A Game of Hats
It all started with a perfectly innocent question while out for a cup of hot chocolate one particularly slow afternoon.
"Aren't your ears cold?" asked Tosh. Ianto glanced sideways at her and smiled, gloved hands wrapped protectively around his steaming cup in the futile hope that it would somehow transfer the heat to his chilled head.
"Not really," he lied, sipping his drink. If they had added a bit of Baileys from Tosh's flask for a splash of extra warmth as they headed back to the Hub, who would know? It could only help, after all, considering it was damn cold for Cardiff, even in January. Tosh had pulled up the hood of her lined leather jacket and looked almost content with her own hot cup, aside from a bright pink nose.
"They're red," she pointed out. "Your ears."
He shrugged even though it was starting to feel like icicles were growing from the side his head. "It's the Baileys."
"Always goes right to your head, does it?" she teased.
"To my ears." He winked, and they continued back to the Hub, bantering back and forth about the weather, the Rift, and his freezing cold ears. Ianto smiled to himself, because he had an idea, and when he had an idea, he usually ran with it.
Two days later, Ianto announced that they were out of coffee. After a collective groan from the team, he asked Tosh to accompany him to the local shop where he purchased the roasted beans he ground and blended himself. To his surprise, Jack looked slightly disappointed to not be asked along, but Ianto smiled and mouthed "Sorry" at him, rolling his eyes yet enjoying the pout he received in return. This was about Tosh, not Jack.
Tosh grabbed her coat and scarf and bundled up, pulling her hood tight once more. The cold snap was predicted to last the entire week, perhaps even a fortnight. While Gwen and Owen did nothing but complain about the terrible weather, Ianto was now determined to have some fun with it. January was exceptionally dull and grey but remarkably Rift-free. Why not do something to lighten the mood and alleviate some boredom, especially when he considered how difficult things had been only a year ago.
So when they stepped outside into a biting wind, Ianto pulled a fluffy pair of maroon earmuffs from his coat pocket and placed them over his ears. It took a moment for Tosh to notice, but when she did, she burst into laughter.
"What are those?" she exclaimed, reaching out to rub a gloved hand over his fuzzy ears.
"Earmuffs," he replied in his best 'Isn't it obvious?' voice. She raised an eyebrow in a fairly decent imitation of his favorite expression. "You did say something about my ears being cold the other day."
"And so you bought a pair of red earmuffs?" she asked.
He tried not to smile and replied as deadpan as he could. "Maybe I already had a pair."
"You did not!" she exclaimed.
He shrugged in reply. "I like red. Is there a problem?"
She knew he was teasing now, and he smiled in appreciation. That's what he loved about Tosh: she was probably the only one who would enjoy it. Gwen might laugh, but then maintain her slightly patronizing (or sometimes clueless) distance, Owen would roll his eyes and take the piss, and Jack…well, Jack would just suggest something lewd. Which wasn't always a bad thing, but earmuffs? Probably not much to do with earmuffs.
Linking their arms together, Tosh and Ianto continued toward the coffee shop.
"I love them," she said. And deep down, he really did feel warmer.
"It's nice and sunny," said Tosh the next day. "Doesn't even look cold enough for earmuffs. Want to go pick up lunch today?"
Ianto glanced away from his computer and the never-ending process of cross-referencing databases within the archives. "Great idea," he said. "I could use a break from this." He grabbed his coat while Tosh gathered her own things. She appeared to be watching him closely, as if waiting for the earmuffs to appear, but he merely smiled as they walked out the door. Again he caught Jack frowning from his office, as if feeling left out again. He thought about telling Jack later if it was going to bother him, but on the other hand, it might be more fun if it was just between him and Tosh for now.
As soon as they stepped into the sun, Tosh gasped. It was bright and beautiful, but still bitterly cold, like a slap in the face. Ianto suppressed a shiver as he pulled on his leather gloves and topped his head with the dark grey ascot cap he had stuffed in his pocket that morning. He felt strangely dignified, but…old. Like his grandfather.
Tosh took one look at him and giggled before looking away. Putting on a look of affronted curiosity, Ianto touched the brim of his hat. "What?" he asked as innocently as possible (though he knew he didn't do innocent quite that well anymore.)
"Nice hat," Tosh said.
"Keeps my head warm."
"But not your ears." Which was true, they were cold and probably bright red already, but there was a twinkle in Tosh's eyes that Ianto enjoyed more than enough to suffer the consequences.
"It's worth the nod to style," he finally replied.
"If you're eighty years old," Tosh murmured.
"Ouch," Ianto laughed. "Guess I'll have to return it and go back to the fluffy earmuffs."
She smiled at him, reaching up to adjust it on his head. "Don't. I like it. It fits you."
"Because I look like I'm eighty?"
"Hardly," she laughed. "Because it's stylish, classic. Like you."
Ianto was once again warmed by her honest compliment and decided he'd keep the hat. He'd liked it, after all…but he'd have to do better next time if he was going to play the game properly and get more of a reaction. He wasn't trying to grow his hat collection, after all; he was just trying to have some proper fun with it.
"You're not seriously wearing that," Tosh said, crossing her arms over her chest and staring at Ianto as if he had grown a second head.
Ianto touched the furry ushanka hat on his head. He felt both ridiculous and rather impressed with himself; it was creative, warm, and didn't look half bad. Well, maybe in Russia; he'd certainly look absurd in Cardiff, where barely an sprinkling of snow dusted the ground.
"At least my head and my ears will be warm," he replied, tying the flaps around his ears and trying hard not to laugh, because the look on Tosh's face was so different from when he'd put on the more stylish ascot. She almost looked embarrassed to be seen with him.
"If you say so," she said. They were just about to head up to the tourist office when Jack appeared from the lower section of the Hub and stopped dead in his tracks, his mouth hanging open. He knew something was going on, since he'd asked Ianto about it several times. Ianto hadn't said much, but with a wink at Jack, who already had a positively impish look on his face, Ianto headed out with Tosh for pizza.
Jack figured it out quick after that, and as if he were actively encouraging their game, he sent Tosh and Ianto out on a simple retrieval the next day. It was actually snowing, and Ianto almost wished he had a ski mask to put on, but he had decided it was far too bank robber chic to be even remotely amusing.
Yet before he had a chance to go with his next choice, Tosh pulled on her coat and took out a very long and furry grey scarf with attached mittens. It was also fastened to a hat, and the hat had ears—large fuzzy rabbit ears, and a pink button nose as well.
It was the most ridiculous and adorable thing he had ever seen. He didn't even bother pulling out the tam o'shanter he'd managed to borrow from his Scottish neighbor. He simply bowed to her brilliance and handed her the car keys. He was fairly sure Jack was grinning like an idiot from the catwalk.
By the next day, Gwen and Owen had sussed out what was going on as well, probably thanks to Jack. With a roll of his eyes, Owen slipped Tosh a surgical hat and mask for an afternoon coffee run; Gwen lent Ianto a Harwood's hat that caused Jack to snort into his coffee and start choking.
Tosh walked into work two days later with a simple knit headband that covered her ears, though it was emblazoned with the latest boy band to sweep the nation. This got a giggle from Gwen and groan from Owen. Ianto pulled out a top hat at the end of the day as the team headed home and earned himself a nice wolf whistle from both women. Jack's eyes just about fell out of his head, and Ianto made note of the success of the top hat for as soon as the team had all left.
The next night everyone decided to hit the pub after work. Tosh wore a complex and ridiculous fascinator that looked far more appropriate for a posh horse race than a local pub; Ianto countered with a cowboy hat that apparently Rhys had worn to a costume party once. No doubt Jack would be asking for the rest of the costume later.
The following Monday Tosh turned up in her mortarboard from university. Ianto countered with a fedora that got him very thoroughly groped in the archives later that afternoon. Ianto suspected that the hat parade was as much of a turn on for Jack as it was good, clean fun for him and Tosh. Gwen and Owen started to rate their looks, keeping a running score on a board above the sofa.
Ianto found an old equestrian hat in the archives (had Torchwood really done horses back in the day?), but when Tosh walked in with a two-foot tall fruit hat, even Jack had given her the win. The next day Ianto showed up with a Rastafarian cap and sunglasses; he played Bob Marley on his computer all day and took the lead.
Tosh promptly stole it back with a pirate hat and eye patch. Ianto considered countering with a veil or even a nun's habit, but couldn't bring himself to do it. He'd never live it down from Owen, and there was no telling what it might do to Jack. He chose a medieval close helm from a local costumer instead; Jack had almost begged to try it on that night.
Then followed an aviator helmet, a bicorne, Tosh's brilliant Japanese headdress, Ianto's ridiculous bearskin cap, a sombrero, and a deerstalker (who knew Jack was a such a Sherlock Holmes fan. Case closed indeed.)
It was tied.
Ianto sat at his computer station, supposedly working on his cross-referencing project, but instead sending Jack a message whenever he found a new hat on the Internet to look over. Jack would send back a smiley face indicating his opinion, and sometimes Ianto had to bite his lip to keep from laughing; Jack's tastes in hats were nothing if not eclectic.
He strongly suspected Tosh was doing the same, as every so often her and Gwen exchanged a look and a giggle. Ianto narrowed his eyes at Tosh; she raised an eyebrow in challenge. Oh, he was so going to win this.
They walked out together that night, earlier than usual as the Rift was still blessedly quiet.
"So, ready for tomorrow?" Tosh asked casually.
"Not much of a choice," Ianto returned with a casual shrug. "Maybe something will actually happen tomorrow besides cleaning and filing."
"Oh, I don't know," said Tosh. "I kind of like that it's been quiet. You know, quiet enough to catch up and get things done, but still have a bit of fun."
He glanced sideways at her when she mentioned fun. "So more fun tomorrow then?" he asked innocently.
"Wouldn't miss it," she replied. Then she leaned closer and lowered her voice. "Although I am running out of ideas. Just don't tell the others."
Ianto breathed out a sigh of relief; he had very few left himself and no thought to what he would do with the collection of hats littering his couch now. But then he had a new idea, one he quite liked, one that would solve both their problems. Placing a hand at Tosh's elbow, he cocked his head thoughtfully. "How about this, then? Tomorrow will be our last day, but we pick each other a hat to wear."
"You mean, you'll wear what I bring in, and I have to wear whatever you bring?" He nodded, and she narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "You're not going to bring in something awful, are you? Like a fez?"
He laughed. "I'm not sure what's so awful about a fez, but no, I won't. I already have an idea." He just needed to run out and find one before the stores closed.
She nodded. "Okay, I like it. I'll bring you a hat, you bring me a hat. And we'll let the others decide who wins."
"Oh well," said Ianto, starting back toward his car. "Obviously I should win because I started the whole thing in the first place."
"With a pair of fluffy earmuffs!" she called across to him.
"You loved them!" he shouted back. She shooed him away, he climbed into his car, and quickly headed toward The Hayes, hoping he could still find what he wanted. Tosh would love it, and he would sacrifice any Hub contest (with her, at least) to see the smile on her face the next day.
Ianto walked in the next morning bright and early, almost bouncing in his excitement to present Tosh with his choice of hat for her. He was just starting the coffee when she joined him, looking almost as eager as he felt. He quickly finished her favorite blend and added an extra dollop of cinnamon, then brought her the cup of warm coffee as well as an elegant gift bag. She in turn handed him a simple red bag; they grinned rather stupidly at one another while sipping their coffee.
"Should we wait until the others are here?" Tosh finally asked. Ianto glanced at the time: it could be a while before Gwen and Owen stumbled in, and he wanted her to open it now, in person, and without a gawking crowd.
"No, but let's see if Jack's up and around yet. He'd hate to miss it."
"I didn't think he slept that much," she said as they walked towards Jack's office.
Ianto knew better. "He said he had a lot to catch up on last night, though, and he still needs some sleep."
"Some nights more than others?" Tosh asked suggestively. Ianto almost choked on his coffee, but instead swallowed hard and smiled just as suggestively right back.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" he murmured.
"Know what?" asked Jack, coming up out of his bunker. He had two wrapped packages in his hand which he quickly hid behind his back. Tosh and Ianto exchanged a private smile, wondering what Jack was hiding. A prize for the winner, perhaps?
"Nothing," they said simultaneously, earning a skeptical look from Jack before they all grinned and laughed.
"So are these the final hats then?" Jack asked, motioning to the bags they held before them.
"Last two and then we're done. I picked his, and he picked mine," said Tosh.
"And we'd rather do it now before the others get in," said Ianto.
"But we thought you'd like to see," added Tosh.
"I appreciate the thought," said Jack, sitting down with another grin. "I can't wait to see what you've done to one another, although I will miss some of the more creative ones you walked in here with." Ianto wondered whether Jack's glazed look was for the top hat or the fedora.
"You first," said Ianto, unable to wait any longer. He really thought he'd done a good job of picking out Tosh's final headpiece and hoped she liked it. It occurred to him that if she didn't, Jack probably would.
Strike that. He pushed the thought from his mind and concentrated on Tosh pulling the tissue from the bag, a thrill of delight filling his chest when she gasped in wide-eyed surprise.
Holding up a beautiful silver tiara set with diamonds and pearls, she grinned like a young girl. "Ianto Jones," she said, her voice a soft whisper. "You are absolutely perfect."
"I try," said Ianto, matching her smile. "I take it that means you like it?"
"I love it," she said. "It won't keep my head warm, but I think we were long past that a while ago." They laughed as he took the tiara from her hands and gently placed it in her hair, tucking it back behind her ears and giving her a quick peck on the cheek.
"You look beautiful," he said. "Toshiko Sato, Queen of the Rift."
She giggled again and motioned at the red bag. "Open yours, although you're going to roll your eyes when you do."
"I'm sure I won't," Ianto said with a smile of anticipation.
"Oh, you will," she said, still grinning. "Because apparently—"
He pulled out a gold crown.
"—we were thinking the same thing," Tosh finished. Ianto stared at the golden crown: it was more of a simple coronet in style and set with a single red gem in the center. He ran a finger over the jewel. "You did say you liked red," Tosh murmured. "Ianto Jones, Coffee King." She took the crown and placed it on his head just as he had done for her. He felt utterly absurd and brilliant at the same time. When she leaned in to kiss him on the cheek, he pulled her in for a tight hug.
Jack groaned from behind his desk. "I can't believe you two bought each other the same thing. It's like some soppy Christmas story on BBC Three."
Catching Tosh's eye, they both turned and bowed low to Jack, which caused him to snort, roll his eyes, and almost tip over in his chair. They enjoyed another good laugh before turning back toward the Hub, crowns still atop their heads. Frankly, Ianto didn't care what Owen said: he had a gold crown, and the doctor didn't.
"Wait," called Jack. "I have something for you both." He strode around the desk with the two packages he had tried to hide earlier. "It's your prize."
"So we both won?" asked Tosh.
"You've kept us quite entertained, so I think we all won," said Jack with a warm smile. "And you both deserve it. Go ahead, open it." He handed Tosh her package first.
Tosh opened her gift and gasped when she found a beautiful—and obviously quite expensive—pashmina. The soft, well-made material was a deep purple, interlaced with strands of turquoise and silver. She wrapped it around her shoulders immediately, and it was gorgeous. If Ianto had any interest in such wraps, he might have been envious; he was fairly certain Gwen would.
"Jack, it's amazing," Tosh breathed. "I've never had anything liked it." Ianto raised an eyebrow. "Except the tiara, of course. Thank you." She gave Jack a affectionate hug; he kissed her temple.
The cog door alarm sounded then and they all turned to see Gwen and Owen walking in. Jack turned Tosh toward the door. "Go show them, they'll be jealous like you wouldn't believe."
"Jack," she admonished. "That's not very fair."
"You earned it, they didn't," he replied with a wink.
"What about Ianto's gift? Can't I stay to watch?"
The slight hesitation in Jack's answer told Ianto immediately that no, she probably shouldn't stay. He held back a groan, wondering how Jack was going to embarrass him now.
"Go ahead, Tosh," he said. "Go show off a little. I'll be down in a minute."
"Or thirty," murmured Jack.
"Oh," said Tosh, nodding with wide eyes. "Right. That sort of present. I love my prize, Jack. Hope you like yours, Ianto." She gave him a naughty little grin before shutting the door behind her.
"Jack," Ianto groaned, taking off the crown. "What could you have possibly got that I can't open in front of Tosh?"
Jack gave him the 'Do you really have to ask that?' face that he was so good at. "Oh, you could have. It's just nicer this way."
"Am I going to be embarrassed?" Ianto asked.
"Depends," Jack replied, eyes twinkling. "You have had fun with the hats."
Ianto started to tear into the paper, fairly certain what he would find. "So you got me another—"
He stopped when he saw what it was: Jack's RAF cap, one he'd seen only in black and white photographs from decades ago. He felt an unexpected lump in his throat. "Jack, what's this for?"
"It's for you," Jack replied, coming around the desk with his arms behind his back. "It's not really for wearing out, given it's quite old and out of style, but I wanted you to have it." He very obviously set something down on the desk behind him to free up his hands, then took the cap and placed it on Ianto's head. Ianto glanced up at the brim and immediately took it off.
"No, I can't. This is who you are, Jack," he said, holding it between them. "Not me."
"No, I suppose it's not really you," Jack said, gazing at him thoughtfully. "I rather liked some of the others better. But I still want you to have it."
Ianto didn't know what to say. He wanted to ask why, but it felt like such a personal question he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer. He glanced down at the cap: it was such an important part of Jack's history, what would he even do with it? A slow smile crept over his face, and he placed it on Jack's head this time, titling it slightly crooked. Damn, it looked good on Jack.
"I'll keep it if you wear it for me," he murmured.
"You are so stubborn!" Jack laughed, and Ianto inclined his head in agreement. Small victories.
"It's a good thing I had a back-up, then. Or rather, that it arrived in the post yesterday." Jack held out a second wrapped package, smaller than the first. As soon as Ianto heard the word post and saw the box, he stepped back, shaking his head.
"Oh no, she didn't."
"She did!" Jack crowed. "Come on, Ianto. You know you want to."
"You want me to, Jack," Ianto said, still moving backward even though he knew that was a bad idea, and he'd get himself cornered eventually. "I want nothing to do with it."
"It's red," Jack murmured, drawing out the last word almost seductively.
"I have red earmuffs," Ianto replied. He bumped into the wall behind him and found himself trapped, just like he'd expected. "Bloody hell."
Jack grinned at him. "What if I throw in a new set of—"
"Don't say it."
"—whatever you want."
"Car keys?" suggested Ianto. "Sheets? Dishes?"
"Ianto," Jack growled. "Just open it."
Ianto swore again, because he knew what it was. Sure enough, as he tore away the paper, there was the UNIT cap Martha Jones had promised to send. Ianto closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them, Jack was staring at him expectantly.
"Well? Are you going to put it on?"
"Do I have to?" Ianto asked. Really, he was just enjoying playing hard to get at this point. Jack looked too good in his RAF cap to not indulge him. Ianto just liked making Jack work for it every once in a while.
"Please?" asked Jack. That was unexpected. Ianto rolled his eyes and put the cap on. The look on Jack's face went from innocuous beseeching to unmistakable lust in five seconds flat. Ianto found himself pressed hard against the wall as Jack kissed him furiously, passionately, desperately, and hard. Had Jack been holding back the whole time for this one last hat?
Ianto had to admit Jack looked damn fine in his hat as well, and he quickly gave in and let his hands begin to roam. Unfortunately the moment was ruined when Owen burst into the room.
"Oh Christ, are we all going to have to find a hat now?" he groaned as Jack slowly pulled away from Ianto, the look on his face a mix of amusement and annoyance. Ianto nodded, indicating he had it covered.
"I've already taken the liberty of ordering Torchwood berets," he said, calmly stepping past Jack and removing his UNIT cap. "Unless you'd prefer a skullcap, of course."
"That's bloody hilarious," Owen grumped. "But I'm not joining your sick little game. I just came up here to tell you kindly that Tosh—lovely tiara there, mate—has picked up a Rift spike in Roath. Bit of a big one, so we're heading out there now…if you two would care to join us." He turned and left without another word; Ianto wondered if Owen would be blushing if he could.
"Duty calls," Jack murmured, taking off his RAF cap.
"It has been slow," said Ianto. "We're rather due something big."
"I was kind of enjoying the slower pace," Jack said, almost sounding wistful. "I liked looking forward to seeing what you'd come up with next."
"Well, then," Ianto said, helping Jack into his coat and turning him around to step flush against him. "We'll just have to continue privately. Wait until you see what I come up with next time for our heads."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Jack as Ianto headed toward the door to gather his own coat and gear. "Haven't you exhausted the category by now?" Ianto paused at the threshold.
"I meant a different kind of head, Jack." And with a cheeky wink he'd learned from Jack, Ianto sauntered out, knowing he had definitely won the game, and looking forward to playing the new version later.
Author's Note:
What can I say? It was cold and I had to pull out my earmuffs for work. Therefore, Ianto followed suit and with a lot of help from the Wikipedia page on hats this bit of nonsense was born. Except for Tosh's rabbit hat: I tried to talk my daughter into that one, but she picked the black bear with a pink bow instead. Cutest thing ever! I hope you enjoyed the other visuals: Tosh in a bonnet, Ianto in a fedora…and Jack enjoying it all a bit too much, of course. ;)