Feelings flooded through Castiel's brain and he closed his eyes, struggling to push them away. He wasn't used to these… Human things. Even the small things. They confused him, and felt oddly… bad. As an angel, feelings weren't exactly a priority. Orders, protection, watching over the humans; that was important. But even back then, Castiel often caught himself standing on the bridge between heaven and earth, staring down at the humans in envy. Very deeply, he had been jealous.
No, not jealous. But it was a strange longing for humanity. And now he had achieved it, and yet it was so different from everything he had expected.
Emotions were probably the most interesting. Though he did enjoy the random sweeps of happiness that flowed over him every now and again, the bad emotions were something to be feared. Sadness, anger, loneliness… Love. He supposed love was bad. He had spent enough time with the Winchesters to understand that loving seemed to be the opposite of what they wanted. Not in the way it was bad, but in the way… Bad things happened, if you loved someone.
The concept of love was very, very confusing to Castiel, and yet it often overcame him. He figured it was more of a… medley of feelings. When you loved someone, you feared losing them. You ached with loneliness when they left. They could physically hurt you with words, make your insides quake when they were angry, while you could also do the same to them. It held a certain empathy. You were sad when they were sad; you hated them in all the ways that you could never hate them.
Actually, on the surface, Castiel could never understand why humans insisted on loving. It was like they couldn't help themselves, like silly animals. Of course, Castiel didn't understand then. Now… he supposed he did.
Humans were very confusing; their concepts and agreements and beliefs. But yes, emotions were the most difficult to deal with. The worst faction of them was how you could never feel just one emotion. All at once, they would hit you. Every day of your life. And there were hundreds of thousands of emotions, with and without names. Castiel could not numb himself from them.
And he hated it, especially now.
It had been over a day since Dean and Sam had left the hotel. Sam came back once, only for a few minutes, and he didn't tell Castiel anything of their whereabouts or mission status. Months had passed since Castiel had become human, and that was when it was decided he would come hunting with the Winchester brothers. Well, Dean had convinced him. It wasn't like he minded, because, when it came down to human emotions, Castiel loved Dean more then he loved himself.
However, he didn't expect hunts to be so… boring. Castiel had long since lost most of his angel powers, practically all of them. As an angel, he hadn't really bothered learning to actually fight, or use weapons. He wasn't useful. Dean and Sam would leave for days finishing hunts and Castiel would wait patiently in the hotel room.
I am disgusting, truly, Castiel laid down on the bed and thought. Pathetic. Waiting like a dog for my masters. Too useless to do anything. He wasn't really that pathetic... He still had some angel powers that helped sometimes. Like, on occasion, he could hear the angels speaking. Not like that was important anymore these days. On occasion he thought he would glance his wings, but they didn't matter. They were too broken from falling, and could not be used for travel, at least now. He also didn't have to sleep, or eat. He could, but, he didn't need to.
That came in handy on… personal occasions. When the brothers went to bed, they trusted Castiel to sit around and watch over them while they slept. And for a while, that is how it went. Until the day he began crawl into bed with Dean and feel his heat, listen to his heart. Castiel loved it, being able to protect his greatest treasure. Dean pretended to complain sometimes, but he knew he never wanted Castiel to leave. And though it was sometimes difficult, Castiel always swooped out of bed before Sam could wake up and see. They were supposed to keep it from the other Winchester. He had a feeling Sam already knew, but he never pushed it. He didn't need to.
Another supernatural power he had, oddly, was the ability to feel Dean. He didn't know why, or how. He didn't remember even having that ability as an angel. But when Dean was in danger, he knew. When Dean was in pain, he knew. Castiel suspected it was the work of God. A secret gift, perhaps, after he had fallen. The only thing Castiel had ever really needed was to protect Dean, after all.
Right now, wherever he was, Castiel knew Dean was feeling anxious, maybe a little bit lonely. He wondered if Dean was thinking of him, if he wanted to come back to him. His heart thumped hard and painfully in his chest. Oh, he wanted to badly for Dean to need him as much as he needed Dean. He had shown his feelings, of course, on multiple occasions. And Castiel would let those memories flow through him whenever he wanted to feel glad.
Two months ago, Castiel had been sitting quietly on a chair, watching over Dean. That was the first time Dean pushed the covers down, blushed, and told him to get in. The happiness that swelled in Castiel in that moment was more then he could ever ask for. For a while, they slept far apart, which felt like miles to Castiel. Until Dean finally closed the gap, letting Castiel wrap himself in Deans comfort. That was one of his favorite memories. A few weeks after that, when they were lying close, Dean opened his eyes and pressed his lips on to Castiels forehead. Just a simple gesture, but Castiel knew in that moment that he would always love Dean, right until he died.
Little kisses like that happened from then on, but a week or so ago, Dean kissed Castiel for real. He pressed the warmth of his lips on Castiels, and moved them with passion. Desire had rumbled deep the pits of his stomach, but love roared from within. He never wanted Dean to leave him. But he knew Dean loved him in that moment, too.
Castiel squeezed his eyes and remembered a conversation that had happened a few days back.
"Dean, why don't you show affection towards me when Sam is watching?" He muttered quietly. He was pressed into his hair, breathing in Dean's scent. He was happy, yet, discontent.
Dean sighed, "Its complicated, dude. I'm not… It's not normal for me. To… 'show affection' towards you. Because it's not… me."
"You mean it's because I am male." He stated bluntly.
Dean coughed, "Yes… and no. I've never been one to have… feelings. For anyone. It feels like a weakness. I know it's not, but, it will take a while to be able to share that with Sam."
"He already knows," Castiel sighed.
Dean stiffened, "You didn't…?"
"No," His voice was stern, "When I was an angel, I knew he knew. You would… stare at me. And I would stare at you. Sam knew deep down how you felt. He still does, he's just waiting for you to tell him."
Dean leaned close and kissed Castiel's face, "I'll tell him when the time is right, okay?"
It made him very happy to think about. There wasn't a word in the human language for what he and Dean were. Maybe 'soul mates' were the closest to it. Suddenly, happiness flowed through Castiel's body. But… It wasn't all his. Dean was happy. Relieved. He could feel it. His eyes flew open and he sat up, staring at the door, where Dean and Sam stood.
"Were you sleeping?" Sam raised an eyebrow, looking amused.
"No." Castiel blushed deeply. How long were they watching him?
"How did you know we were here?" Dean laughed. Castiel melted.
"I can feel you." He said with complete seriousness, not shaking eye contact. Deans smile drifted into an odd… loving gaze.
Sam groaned, "You guys are making me sick."
"What…?" Castiel stood up just as Dean walked towards him and pulled him into his chest. Before Castiel could raise a question, Dean kissed him right there in front of Sam.
It was the best kiss ever. There was no shame, or regret. No distance or hiding. It was pure and beautiful. Dean pulled back and Castiel stared at him, slowly drifting his eyes onto Sam, who just smiled.
"You told him?" He gulped.
"Of course I did, Cas." Dean smiled at him.
God, love is great.He smiled back.