Jar Jar wiped the remains of the Imperial advisor #58 from his tonguelightchainsaw and threw him off the edge of the protoplanetary disk in the Kuna's Eye system, which prompted an avalanche of mothered words coming from some really, really random loser on Maya Kovel. He did try a piece beforehand, but it didn't taste anything like fish, so eating the Human supremacist was out of question.
"MY KILL EVERYBODYS! MY REVENGE PALPATINE!" the Gungan senator wailed uncontrollably, his third eye flashing on the tip of his tongue. The eye barely managed to catch a breath, as it was nearly suffocating under the weight of the tonguelightchainsaw.
An asteroid flew by, carrying a Human, his eyes glowing yellow. He was a youngling, it seemed, and he was assertively standing by the corpse of something that looked suspiciously like Yoda, but Yoda usually had a head and wore something less revealing, yet stylish. Jar Jar did not approve of this dead creature's rags. In his own upcoming Jarjaric Empire, there was to be a set of laws on modesty.
"WHOSA YOUSA?" Jar Jar said, said, said, said, said.
"My name is Harry Potter! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"
"MY NO KILLED YOUSA FATHER, NUTSEN! YOUSA IN WRONG STORY!" yelled Jar Jar, his angst slowly beginning to crumb the protoplanetary disk he was standing on. "BUT MY KILL YOUSA."
"Come at me, bro!" asserted Potter, "I have chumpits, and my beloved guitar, the Kriffslayer!"
"WHATSA GUITAR? AND WHATSA KINDA NUTSEN NAME IS KIFFMEYER?"
"The name Kügelschreiber had to be censored for your *beep* world, because your galaxy just cannot handle the cruel *beep* reality of mine, you *beep*. I am going to *beep* the *beep* out of your pathetic *beep* of *beep*. *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*
"YOUSA NOW SOUND LIKE R2-D2...JAR JAR'S UPCOMING EMPIRE PROHIBITSA COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! YOUSA MUSTA BE PUNISHED, IMMEDIATAMENTE!"
Courageous beyond the limits of his very limited otherworldly planet, Harry Potter prepared his Kingvoucher and channeled its energy from the dimension that screamed of nought etc etc.
"JAR JAR, LOOKSA TO THE LEFT!" Pollo Dorks yelled panically. The young journalist from Otoh Gunga was standing next to his master, determined to document his story. Binks looked to the right, because he never knew what's left. He narrowly escaped the first bout of Force lightning from Harry Potter's Kinderhammer.
"JAR JAR, MY TOLD YOU SO!" stressed Dorks. Deeply inside his empty abdomen and his tight chest, Jar Jar knew that Pollo was right; so he decided to be more careful. Concentrate. Hibernate, but only for one golden second. This blink of an eye allowed him to channel more energy than it was theoretically possible to. There was to be mayhem. And what mayhem!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Harry Potter, desperately holding onto his lifemate, the Knockwonder.
But it was too late.
His fate was sealed.
Jar Jar summoned great balls of fire out of practically nowhere and screamed for all of his specimen lost to the inevitability of time passing. He directed the fireballs to Harry Potter, who got on his knees and tried to block the certain doom using the Kleidhänger. Within a minute, a rain of cans containing first-class Harry Potter preserves fell on the planet of Maya Kovel, hitting the same random loser once again.
Kuna constellation exploded marvellously and then reformed, for the Gungan superbeing had the ability to bend the time-space continuum. Strangely, it reformed in the shape of Jar Jar Binks' own head, with two young blue giants serving as its eyes and one yellow dwarf serving as its bling-bling tooth; for a newly-formed planetary system has got to have some swag.
Only now, when he willingly and responsibly reformed the Thin Disk to his liking, he realised that the below-lying Moddell sector was not big enough for both him and King Gorneesh of the Mighty, Mighty Duloks. As he was on his way to banish the forest moon of Endor to the dimension of flatcakes' infernal torture; he realised that another voice was speaking inside of him. This voice was softer than soft, lyrically sharp to the point of sheer perfection and it spared the life of a bunch of Strutters as well, as they had already spotted the newly-formed constellation in the dark of the sanctuary moon's night and had begun to chant "Tisk, tisk, tisk! Tacky, tacky, tacky!"
"SHUTSA UP, YOUSA MISERABLE PRODUKTSA OF TWISTED MERITOCRACY!" Pollo Dorks was clearly annoyed, as his Master needed to concentrate. Once the Strutters ducked their pretty heads in the sand of the meadow they were residing on; Jar Jar could finally concentrate and channel more spirits from outside of the known realm. And they were speaking to him, loudly, letting him know what he was missing in his near-perfect lifetime of absolute dominance.
"VOGLIO DONNA, VOGLIO DONNA!" yelled Jar Jar, his sexy voice echoing as far as the plannet Csilla in Unknown Regions, where they immediatelly banned him on radiophonic devices.
"JAR JAR, DATSA NOT A KNOWN LANGUAGES!" Pollo Dorks expressed his concerns for his spiritual leader's well-being.
"GAUDEAMUS IGITUR, LOREM IPSUM, VOGLIO DONNA!" Jar Jar continued to wail, clearly in trance. Young Pollo shrugged and, in order to escape the fate of all 58 advisors, the protoplanetary disk and Harry Potter, he took a deep breath and calmed down.
His basic instict leading him, Jar Jar activated the hyperspace device on his back, and with his miserable pawn barely holding out to the edge of his trousers, thus revealing a tiny bit of his rear-end, he made the hyperspace jump towards the top-secret location; where he saw HER. He activated the brakes and narrowly escaped hitting a starcruiser carrying a group of attractive Hutt hostesses to Bespin.
And there she was. Right before him, in all her beauty.
SHE was clearly perfect. And shiny, like one of those disco balls on Coruscant. And she was as big as the moons of Coruscant.
"WANTSA FORM A BABBY WITH MESA?" he begun to court the beauty, but she could not hear him. And then he realised that he needed more energy.
"POLLO, QUITSA WRITING ABOUT HOW GREAT MESA BE, MY NEED MOTIVATIONAL CHANT TO TRANSFORMSA!"
Young Pollo shrugged once again, realising the situation was calling for him to do something he was not particularly keen on.
"MEGA JARJAR,
MEGA JARJAR!"
The third eye on Jar Jar's tongue blinked red, yellow and, eventually green. He was ready. He begun the transformation. Pollo continued his curious chant, his eyes closed and barely visible inbetween his delicate eyelashes.
"MEGA JARJAR,
MEGA JARJAR!"
"Is this really necessary?" asked the Force ghost of Quinoa Gin, who suddenly appeared floating in space, proud of his newly discovered skill, but nobody really cared about him, so he frowned and jumped back to the Neitherworld.
"MEGA JARJAR,
MEGA JARJAR!"
Pollo was out of breath. He opened his eyes and realised he was standing on a single button of the vest of his now gas giant-sized Master and Spiritual Leader. He was enthusiastically shaking with excitement!
"WANTSA FORM A BABBY WITH MESA?" Mega Jar Jar asserted to the woman of his dreams, with newly-found confidence in his voice, which was now a bass-bariton.
There was no response. Jar Jar realised that SHE might have taken offense. Tears begun to roll down the sensitive skin of his bemused face.
And then she spoke. To his horror, it was the voice of Darth Vader, the Sith lord!
"Get off that thing!" Dork Waiter moaned gently, with a hint of understanding creeping out of his synthetic voice, "Mesa totally understanda yousa frustration, but yousa going to spoil it! We didn't even begin building it yet and yousa already on top of it. Not cool, by any means!"
Jar Jar was puzzled. He did not know that the Dork Lard of the Sheet could speak some Gungan-Basic, because the time he spent on Naboo prior to his stint as a senator was traumatic, to the point of tearing out the tiniest bits of his, tormented, tortured soul he lost long before this broadcast even started.
"YOUSA SPEAK MY LANGUAGE. THEREFORE, MY SPARE YOU. BUT MY NEED A LIFEMATE. IF MY CANNOT HAS HER, YOUSA CAN FIND MESA ANOTHER. NOWSA!"
Dam Geiger knew women. And he knew that having a relationship with a high-profile figure such as mr. Binks would expose Death Star to a lot of unwanted publicity, as She was a secret project after all. So, he had to think of something else, both to please Jar Jar and protect Her.
And there it was, floating above his head. AN IDEA.
"Execute order 42." Dorm Cider desperately addressed his minions through comlink.
"WHAT is order 42?" asked Admiral Motti, with legitimate concerns over the tense situation clearly audible in his manly-man voice.
"I DON'T HAVE A KRIFFIN' IDEA, JUST EXECUTE IT. THIS NUT IS GOING TO KILL EVERYBODY!"
Motti shrugged and addressed all of the clone and non-clone commanders, his voice shaking with terror.
"ËXECUTEOOÓØRDER42NOWNOWNOW!"
Jar Jar Binks was waiting, his feet resting on his home planet Naboo killing everybody with toxic gas and his tongue seductively licking the virgin beauty of the planet Aurea, who then asked him to back the kriff off, which immediately prompted him to chew it and blow balloons.
The wait was getting long and he was looking at Coruscant, wondering if he should make a ring out of it, or more teeth bling, depending on what was in fashion.
And there she was. MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE DEATH STAR.
"MESA CALLED JAR JAR BINKS. MESA FORM A BABBY WITH YOUSA AND THEN MESA AND THOU BABY REVENGETH EVERYBODY."
"Oh, dear." fumed Zonama Sekot, "I know I was destined to handle some quite horrible guys in far future, but they were nothing like this insensitive, uncultured, nerf-herding cretin."
"ROSES RED,
VIOLETS HAS NO EYE,
WILD SPACE BEAUTY,
MY WIFE YOUSA BE
OR YOUSA GONNA DIE."
"This is not OK, Jar Jar and you know it. If you wanna be with me, you know there is a price to pay..."
"YESA?"
"You need to be a true gentleman. You know, be nice. I demand you ask for help, as I should not be dealing with your unpleasant manners. NOW."
"DISA NOT TRUE."
"Yes, I am afraid it's very true, for you don't even know my name. You don't know what I like. You have no idea what turns me on. You have never asked me about my childhood and my family."
A storm rolled over the planet's light side, currently being illumunated by the bright star of Corell. Seemingly, a tear of gigantic proportions rolled down Jar Jar Bink's face, rendering it even more sensitive and in desperate need of a facial treatment and proper skin care.
"I will give you ONE STANDARD WEEK, Jar Jar." Regina Spektor said, gramatically correct, in an overwhelmingly dramatic manner, "ONE STANDARD WEEK."
The words of Zonama Sekot echoed.
And echoed.
And echoed.
Not willing to accept the harsh reality of his immediate surroundings, Jar Jar thought of Gungan mud.