I was on my way home from my friend's house the other day when a title popped into my head, "How I Killed Your Mother." (Not How I MET Your Mother which is a Friggin awesome show. Can I get a high five?) The rest of the 15 minute drive was spent formulating this little beauty below you. I know it's a little backwards, but aren't we all backwards sometimes? So peruse the work below at your leisure. When you're finished you can...well you know what Mama likes. (Wait, I meant reviews, not that other thing...)
In honor of my missing mother, I've decided to write the following disclaimer in the weird made up language, she taught me when I was a wee one.
Disclaimer: I dudonuntut owusnun icusharurluly orur tuthashe cushasharuracushtuterursus. I jujusustut lulikuke tuto tutakuke tuthashemum outut anundud puplulay wusituthash tuthashemum nunowus anundud tuthashenun.
Thank you, and enjoy.
Carly and Sam had been pacing the emergency waiting room, hoping for someone to slip up and tell them what was going on. It had been an hour since they had rushed in with Mrs. Benson, and the waiting was getting on their last nerves. There was a whoosh of the doors as Freddie rushed in.
Carly was the first to see him. "There he is!"
"Finally!" Sam sighed as she ran up to tackle him in a hug.
Freddie let go of her quickly, anxious to get to the urgent matter. "What's going on? How is my mom?"
"They rushed her in there," Carly said pointing to the emergency room double doors. "They won't tell us anything, though, because we're not family."
Sam stomped over and started banging on the counter to get the attention of the middle aged pudgy nurse sitting there. "Hey! We've been waiting here for an hour. Nobody cares that your 14 cats can meow to the tune of Jungle Boogey, and your social status will always say lonely and desperate, so why don't you log off already and tell us what's going on?"
The nurse sighed and reluctantly tore her eyes from the screen to talk to them. "Look. I already told you. We can't give you any information unless you're family."
"I know, but this hot little corn muffin right here..." Sam aggressively pulls Freddie over in front of the counter with her, "He's her son."
The nurse skeptically eyed him up and down. "Mmm Hmm. Now look, I was kind of in the middle of something her, so if you don't mind..."
"She's telling the truth," Freddie confessed. He pulled out his drivers permit and a picture of him and his mom in matching tacky sweaters. It was the same picture that had been used, much to Freddie's embarassment, on last year's Christmas cards.
The nurse sighed and started clicking keys on her computer. "Here she is, Marissa Benson. Came in with chest pain and shortness of breath." The nurse scanned the screen then shook her head in sadness. "Now. That is a tragedy."
Carly clamped her hand over her mouth. "Oh, my God she's...dead?"
"What?" The nurse brought her attention back to them. "Oh, no. My neighbor just posted that Sky Perk is discontinuing the Mocha Chocolata Ya-Ya frozen coffee next week."
Sam snatched the keyboard from the desk and swung the screen around. The nurse yelled and tried to grab it back, but Freddie was urgently vying for her attention. "Hey! Hey, excuse me! What about my mom?"
The nurse was still trying to grab the keyboard back, but Sam was holding it out of reach while typing with one hand. "Oh. Well, that's all the information I have. You'll have to wait for the doctor to find out more. Give me that!"
"Well, when can we see the doctor?" Carly interrupted
"Fine," the nurse groaned, finally sitting back in her chair. "I'll let them know that you're here." She picked up the phone and called back to the ER.
Carly looked over and saw the look on Freddie's face. "Don't worry," she soothed as she rubbed his shoulder. "I'm sure everything will be fine."
The nurse thanked whoever was on the other end then hung up the receiver. "The on duty nurse will let the doctor know you're here. He'll be out as soon as he can. "
Sam finished typing the last few letters, and then handed the keyboard back to the nurse. "Thank you. Now was that so hard?"
The nurse stood up and snatched the keyboard from Sam's hands then pointed over to the waiting room. "You guys just go wait over there where you can't touch my things." The nurse sat back down and turned the screen around as the kids walked away. "The boils on my butt finally burst and now I'm going to need to..." she read on her screen. "Hey, you!" She yelled at Sam "What did you do to my status?" She furiously began typing trying to correct the latest post.
"You changed her status to say she had bursting butt boils?" Carly scolded. Sam just shrugged. "That was really mean."
"No," Sam corrected. "That was well deserved! 'Mean' was changing her password, so she can't get back in to delete it," she smiled.
"Sam!" Carly was set to scold her again, but she noticed Sam's attention elsewhere. She followed Sam's gaze to see Freddie staring out the window, unconcerned with their conversation. Carly nudges her to go to him.
Sam walked up and put her chin on his shoulder. "Hey, baby. You alright?"
"Yeah," his face wore a slight frown. "I'm just worried." He shook off his thoughts and turned to face the both of them. "So what happened anyway?"
"I don't know," Carly shrugged. "It was all so fast."
Sam took a deep breath, and then started to explain. "We were getting off the elevator and she was walking toward us. She walked past me and said 'Hello, Samantha' in her usual disgusted tone, and then 2 seconds later, she falls against the wall, grabs onto her chest and starts wheezing." She noticed Freddie's look changed to an accusing one and she threw up her hands in defense. "I didn't touch her, I swear!"
"You Swear?" Freddie asked unsure.
"No, she didn't." Carly steps in to defend Sam. "In fact, she was trying to help. Sam managed to drag her into the elevator, ans when we got downstairs, she threw her over her shoulder and carried her to the car. I stayed in the back with your Mom and called the hospital while Sam drove us here. She got us here in 8 minutes and only ran 4 red lights." She nudged Sam in pride.
"What were you doing driving?" Freddie's tone rose at Sam. "You know the DMV won't issue you a license after you clipped three cars and knocked the testing monitor out of the door because you wanted to go through the drive-thru."
"It was an emergency!" Sam yelled back. "The ambulance was going to take 20 minutes to get there, besides your mother..."
"Hey guys," Carly interrupted. "I think that's the doctor."
They watched as the nurse pointed a tall handsome man with a overly white, plasticy smile, and wearing a lab coat in their direction. "You're the family of Marissa Benson?" The doctor walked up to them with his hand outstretched.
"I am," Freddie said, shaking his hand. "She's my mom." The Doctor motioned questioningly at Carly and Sam before he continued the conversation. "It's ok," Freddie assured him. "They're the ones that actually brought her in. They're just as interested as I am. "
"Ok," the doctor smiled. "Well it seems that it was nothing more than an acute and prolonged panic attack."
"A panic attack?" Carly questioned. "I saw her, I was sure she was having a heart attack."
"The pastiness, shortness of breath, chest pain..." the doctor explained. "Those are all symptoms of a panic attack too."
Sam crossed her arms in front of her. "So there's really nothing wrong with her?"
"Well there is some concern." The doctor flipped open his chart. "A panic attack usually only lasts a minute or two. This one lasted..." He scanned the chart to get the correct information. "...Yikes, for over ten minutes. It's pretty unusual and causes a lot of stress on the nervous system. We normally just let them ride it out, but we put your mom on a strong sedative to calm her down. She's resting now. She should be ready to go home in an hour or so, but someone is definitely going to have to take her."
"Ok, Thank you doctor," Carly sighed "We'll make sure she's taken care of."
"My pleasure," the doctor flashed his overly toothy smile.
"Hey doctor," Freddie caught him before he could go. "What do you think brought this on? I mean my mom is kind of high strung, but she's never done this before."
"It's hard to say, really. It's usually a case of experiencing a sudden great stress or fear. I don't know if you have any idea what that might have been..." The doctor searched their faces.
"Nope, no idea," Sam offered too quickly.
"Well, ok then..." the doctor said confused. "Uh, I've gotta get back to my patients. I left a guy in there who tripped in the yard and has a bicycle handle sticking out of his..."
'Dr Bellows to exam room 4 please.' the intercom interrupted.
"That's me." The doctor spun on his heels to make his way back through the ER's double doors. "You can come back and see your mom whenever you're ready," he called back to Freddie as he disappeared through the doors.
As the doctor left, Carly and Freddie turned around to look at Sam.
"What?" she asked, trying to put on her innocent face.
"'A sudden great stress or fear?'" Carly repeated.
Sam's innocent face cracked and she found herself in the familiar defensive mode again. "Why do you automatically assume it was me?" She said turning to Freddie. "I have bent over backwards trying to get along with your mother. I shrugged it off when we made her dinner, and she fed it to a hobo. I joined her stupid building watch program, and she stuck me on the roof of the building...in the middle of a thunderstorm...with a metal tipped umbrella. I didn't say a thing when she made me wear a hazmat suit in the house while you helped me study for the history quiz last week. I even got her a birthday card which she shredded it in front of me and made me take it down to 4c for the kid to put in the hamster cage to be pooped on!"
"It was a 60th Birthday card," Carly reminded her.
Sam threw her hands in the air. "So?"
Freddie's voice echoed the agitation Sam was displaying. "She's only 38!"
"Whatever!" Sam took a deep breath to calm down before she continued. "All I'm saying is that I've been trying really, really hard. Did I want to carve aboriginal dot art patterns all over her face with a spork? Absofrigginlutely!" Her voice softened as she looked in Freddie's eyes. "...but I didn't because I know how much it means to you. Now all of a sudden she sneers at me in the hall, as usual, I barely say two words to her and she has some sort of attack. Now I'm the bad guy again?"
Sam's shoulders slumped in apparent defeat. Freddie realized that she was right. "Aww, Mama. I know you've been doing your best," he soothed. "Come here." He opened his arms and then wrapped her in a strong hug. "I'm sorry it's been crazy for you. Thanks for trying so hard." Sam gave a relieved sigh into his shoulder as he stroked her back a few times.
Freddie finally pulled away and turned to Carly. "Look guys, I'm going to wait in the room with her until I can take her home. Why don't you two go on back?"
"Are you sure?" Carly asked with concern.
"Yeah, I'm sure," He smiled and gave Carly a quick hug. "Thanks for everything."
"Ok, Baby." Sam said and gave him a kiss. "Call me when you get home," she yelled as they watch him disappear behind the double doors.
They stood motionless for a moment, after Freddie finally disappeared. "So..."Carly broke the silence. "You had nothing to do with that?"
Sam turned to head out the door. "I told you, I barely said two words to her, and she collapsed in the hall."
Carly caught up with her trying to read the expression on Sam's face. "Uh huh. And what two words might those be Samantha Puckett?"
A small smirk formed at the corner of Sam's mouth as she finally confessed to Carly. "Hi Grandma."
I think I'm one of the few people who actually likes Mrs. Benson. Crazy people are fun! Especially to torture. So here we are at the end of the story. (Pausing in awkward silence, wordlessly gesturing to the review button below) Oh, By the way the Disclaimer above is not random letters. It does mean something. If you can figure it out, you get 10,000 Sky Perk punches. Now if you can find one, you're gold!