A/N: Whilst we're all remembering that Michelangelo is very much like Raph, we should never forget that Raphael is very much like Michelangelo. This is for him.
Home
You've pushed yourself too far this time Raph. Too far, too far, too far, too far, too far!
The mantra ran through his head in its well worn groove, years of unhappy experience had made it a subconscious background noise. He knew why he did it, the answer was written on his soul as well, but he didn't have to like it.
Didn't have to like it one bit.
Why did it always have to be an abandoned building? Leo mused, as he pushed his tired body to follow the limping, stumbling, Raph into the rancid hole.
You know why Leo. The reply always made the panic rise in him.
It's where all wounded creatures go to die.
One body, then two.
As Leo crashed his way through the mess Raph had supplied with his heaving bulk, he felt the beams weaken, crumble and give way. He dived after his brother, shielding him the best he could whilst the carnage scattered around him, like confetti at Death's wedding.
Great. Just great.
As the dust cleared, they tried to get a bearing on their new surroundings. Each of them padded, prodded, poked and pushed. It didn't do them any good, just made the dust stick to their already weary skin, giving them the appearance of two demented ghosts. And after the long string of fights they had just endured? Felt the same as well.
"Just farkin' brilliant." Raph swore as he spat a bloody mess onto the ground and wiped his lip. "Stuck."
Leonardo sighed as he tried to assess the situation. Mikey and Donnie had decided to split from them, dodging right, whilst they went left. Hopefully they had drawn enough of the Foot away to give their younger brothers a clean getaway.
Hopefully.
Trying to find a comfortable spot to sit, to conserve as much energy for the next attack, each of them settled as best they could, Raph slumped chin to his knees against a bit of ragged wall and Leo, cross legged in his usual meditative pose.
The sight of his brother, finding peace, even in the hell of where they were, tugged at the last string that held Raph's sanity together. He was tired, too damn tired and sore. His muscles screamed in protest, his bones creaked and grated as they moved, and he wondered if any of them were broken. His eyes stung from the dust and the grit, and the taste of failure and destruction turned sour on his tongue.
But his brother, sitting as he usually did in the peaceful hush of the dojo, killed Raph more than any of the many bashings and bruising this long fight had given him.
The last string strained, broke, and his mind came undone.
"I wanna go home."
That simple request snapped Leo's eyes open in an instant, a mixture of confusion and fear flickered through them. He looked at his brother for the first time since the fight happened, and took in how badly hurt his brother was.
"I know Raph. I want to go home too."
Raph spat again and glowered at his brother, as if Leo's offhanded response was a bitter pill to swallow. He shifted his bulk to lean further into the debris, looking as if he was trying to find protection. From his brother, or the thoughts in his heart, only Raph knew.
"No Leo, ya dipshit!" He spat back venomously, a petulant, sulky tone tinged his words. "I wanna go home!"
Leo took in Raph's broken form and tried to force his muddled mind to comprehend his brother's outburst. Didn't he realised he wanted to go home too? That they all did?
"We'll be home soon Raph. Soon."
He placed a tender hand on Raph's blood slicked arm only to have it violently brushed away. The look of hurt and puzzlement that darted over Leo's face turned Raph's into a scowl, and he hunkered further into his knees.
"We ain't never going to be home Leo! Not soon, not now, not ever!"
Despair hung in the air as Leo sensed Raph's words were not about the problem at hand. He risked a sideward glace and a bolt of understanding passed between them, hungry, raw and hurt.
Leo closed his eyes from the pitiful sight, to spare both of them the fatal blow to each other's dignity. As he silently cursed himself for allowing this turn of events to come to pass, he was also secretly relieved. It took far too much for Raph to reveal his innermost thoughts.
Far too much.
Was Leo's silence an admission of guilt, or a plea to continue? Raph didn't know, but the dam had been broken and there was no stopping the flood.
"I'm tired Leo." He shifted uncomfortably in the gloom and closed his eyes lazily as if to prove his point.
"I'm tired, hurtin' too damn much and I just wanna tell da world ta fark off."
Leo noticed the langid way Raph closed his eyes was to stop the tears, sparkling underneath, from ever seeing the light of day.
"I wanna go home, but we ain't never going home Leo. Never gonna be like it was, can't ever be like it was."
That same sulky tone pulled at Leo like a long lost lullaby, and he had to squeeze his eyes shut a little tighter, so his own tears would not been seen.
"I want it how it used ta be. When all we had ta farkin' worry about was how ta stop Mikey from ordering chocolate on his pizza. I want it how it used ta be when we was kids and Father had all the answers if we was smart enough ta listen.
I want farkin' wise cracks and video games and late nights where we'd all get a clip across the ear and told ta go ta bed. Where the only scary thing was the monster that lurked in the closet. The one that had Mikey screamin' for da hills, and us all pissin' ourselves in laughter.
I don't want dis shit now. Where all da worries are about damn death, destruction or farkin' heartache. Where we hafta worry about the bogey man that lurks in the heart of every sick son-of-a-bitch out there, instead of da closet.
I'm sick of being gutted. Sick of being hurt. Sick of doin' this shit over and over and over again like some goddamned retard who just can't get it right.
Just wanna go home, to the way it used ta be, and be happy."
His blood shot eyes, rimmed with tears lanced Leonardo's soul.
"Ain't I allowed ta be happy? Just once?"
Leonardo couldn't bare his brother's lonely vigil any longer. Moving as if the weight of the world was crushing him, he sat beside Raph's beaten form and slid his arms tenderly around him. The two became one as they always had been, arms moving to wrap their shredded souls around themselves a little more tightly, heads resting on each other's shoulders, ying and yang finally blending back into one.
Raph choked back a sob, as Leo's hug let a little sunshine return to his dark world.
"Shhhhhh ... Raph. It's ok. We'll get back what we lost. One day. And in the meantime?" Leo smirked, as a mocking smile teased his lips, " You'll always have me."
A dark, mirthful chuckle filled the air as the tense mood broke into a million sun lit, joyful shards. Raph pulled away from the hug and snorted in Leo's face.
"Great. Dunno if that's better or worse!"
The crumbling beams and bricks shifted slightly as a scrabbling noise from the other side reached Raph and Leo's ears. A playful whoop was heard as Michelangelo's voice rang out like a bell.
"Donnie! They're in here dude!"
Raph and Leo wobbled to a stand and listened, jumping back a little as the battle shell's winch pulled a large part of a wall away, allowing their escape.
Weapons at the ready, they skulked into the sunlight, tense and ready for the next fight, the next battle, the next thing to shatter their already shattered souls.
Nothing came. Nothing happened except the tender lifting, holding and folding as Donnie and Mikey helped their brothers out of the black pit of despair, and into the bright new world beyond.
"Anyone broken? Hurt?" Donnie questioned, the words falling off his lips as easily as Leo's well worn mantra of admonishment. The old familiar grooves were back. The old familiar moves of the well worn kata of family life.
"No Donnie we're fine." Leo tiredly sighed, as for once he let his brother share his heavy burden and leaned upon Donnie's shoulder. "Raph was bleeding out before, but he's fine now."
Raph's head snapped up as an explosive snort escaped his lips. His eyes glared and lowered as he dared Leo with all the fire in his soul to make just one more wrong move.
Just one.
Donnie looked at Raph carefully. Besides the usual nicks and scrapes, tiredness and fatigue, he couldn't see a large gaping wound anywhere. Raph was walking fine, albeit a little too tiredly, so Donnie was confident there was no internal bleeding either.
But something had passed between them, and the same air of fiery ice was firmly slammed back into place.
Michelangelo shrugged as Donnie looked at him, eager for clues.
"Leo and Raph dude. Who knows what the shell goes on in their heads?"
They all bundled, and tumbled into the Battle shell, eager for each other's news, glad each other had escaped, and were well enough to tell their tales.
Donnie slipped the key into the ignition and the Battle shell roared into life. Turning back to the rabble of his brothers, he looked at them kindly, smiled, and quietly spoke.
"How about tonight we order pizza and play some video games?"
"Cool! I vote for Black Ops!"
"Can't we have something without fighting in it? Haven't we fought enough?"
A small smile broke across Raph's lips as he sighed contentedly and leaned back into his seat. The ribbons to his sanity tied themselves up again as memories of happier times past, blended with the moment of now.
He chuckled darkly and the air in the van hushed and tensed, as it always did, waiting for Raph's mood to set the tone.
He snorted, and glared at them all with a tiny spark of love that lifted each one.
"I don't care what da fark we do." He lied.
"I just wanna go home."