Jack Bauer Teaches Kindergarten
(or: How I got sued by Kindergarten Cop)
Pairing: None
Rating: PG-13, because Jack says the f-word a few times.
Warnings: None
AN: Oh come on, who hasn't thought about something like this? And I know it could be longer, but I was just writing for fun, so I stopped when I felt like it.
Oh, and George is a bit of a caricature. I am fully aware of this and I intended it to be that way.
Disclaimer: I don't own 24 or annoying 5 year olds.
The call came at 4 in the morning. Jack, who was sleeping like a dead man, didn't answer the phone until he'd entirely shaken off the confusing effects of sleep. He answered on the second ring.
"Hello, who is this?" he rasped into the phone. Cool, precise tones answered him.
"Jack, it's George Mason. We have a hot lead on Dave McTerrorFace and we need you to get to CTU."
"How urgent?"
"Not incredibly so, but we need you here in an hour."
Jack grunted something that approximated assent and hung up the phone. With a sigh, he hauled himself up out of his comfortable bed. It looked like he'd have to say goodbye to the warm haven of his jersey sheets and down comforter a little sooner than he'd wanted. Oh, the things he did for his country.
He rubbed a hand blearily across his face, already waking up more. He should probably shave.
-----------
A coffee, bagel, and one shave later, Jack was striding into CTU. CTU was hushed, and fewer people were around, but the frenetic buzz that always hung over it was still present. CTU was full of the type of people who were happy to give up a night's sleep for the opportunity to maybe advance their careers. Jack went straight for Mason's office.
"Ah, Jack, good to see you," Mason greeted him, looking up from a file he was reading. "Sorry about the early hour."
"Not a problem, sir," Jack replied, standing in front of his desk. He'd been far more sleep deprived before.
"The lead that I called you about concerns Dave McTerrorFace, as I told you over the phone. We've figured out a way to isolate and possibly capture him."
Jack looked at Mason. "That's excellent, sir."
Mason continued. "As you know, McTerrorFace leads a double life. On one hand, he's the nation-hopping, train-bombing terrorist that makes Cheney wet his pants. But on the other, he is the caring father of a boy of 5. We've tried coming after him through his terrorism circles, but we've failed. So this time, we're going to try coming after him through his son."
"Sir?" Jack asked, a little uneasy.
"We need an operative to pose as his son's kindergarten teacher. Parent-teacher conferences are in one week. During the conference, the operative will be alone with McTerrorFace and will easily be able to subdue him and bring him in for questioning related to the Terrorpocalypse."
Jack thought it over. "It all makes sense. But why don't we just have someone apprehend McTerrorFace after he comes out of his conference?
Mason frowned. "Are you questioning me, Bauer? Are you going rogue again?"
Jack rolled his eyes. Mason grinned. "Just kidding, just kidding. We can't do that because McTerrorFace travels with an entourage of at least two thugs at all times. We can't chance civilians getting caught in crossfire. It'll be much safer and far less messy to subdue McTerrorFace in a one-on-one setting, away from bystanders."
Jack thought about it and nodded.
"We would normally ask an operative who is more, ahem, personally flexible to take the job, but unfortunately for you, everyone else is currently engaged. You'll start this morning at seven, the children will arrive at eight."
"What?I have to be the undercover kindergarten teacher?" Jack balked. "Why would you possibly choose me?"
Mason sighed. "I'm sorry, Jack, but you're the only one who can do it."
"You would choose me to babysit kindergarteners? George, I've shot over 100 people!"
"Look, Jack, you don't have a choice in this, and neither do I," Mason responded. "It's you or no one, and someone has to do it."
Jack was alarmed. "George, no!"
"Unfortunately, yes."
Jack was flabberghasted. "You're playing a joke on me."
Mason was getting slightly irritated. "I don't know how else to tell you that you have to do this job! Do you want to stop the Terrorpocalypse or not? Last time I checked, I thought you liked America."
Jack was taken aback. "George, come on."
"I'm sorry. Chloe will give you the directions to the school and brief you on your alias." With that, Mason dismissively waved his hand towards the door.
Jack stood for a moment longer, completely stunned. Then, he walked out the door and downstairs to find Chloe.
7:00 AM.
Jack walked into the kindergarten classroom that he'd be tortured in for the next week. He was carrying a briefcase, which contained a write-up of the intel CTU had on Junior McTerrorFace, and some rough schedules of what he should have the class do for the week.
"This is un-fucking-believable," Jack muttered to himself as he took in the garishly decorated room. Bits of scribbled-on construction paper were covering nearly every inch of wall. There were blocks and games spilling over shelves on one side of the room. Tiny little brat-sized desks were lined up in neat rows.
Jack set his briefcase on his desk. The kindergarten was in northern California, so he hadn't had time to grab a nap before coming here, although his had had time to change into a suit. Looking professional was a habit that Jack just couldn't break.
What was on the agenda for today? Jack took it out and glanced at it. Great, one hour of art, two hours of play time, lunch followed by recess, one hour of nap time, and then they'd watch a movie about the rainforest.
Jack took out another sheet of paper that contained all of the names of the 18 students he'd be watching, along with their pictures. He figured he'd spend his prep time memorizing names and faces.
At least this was something that was somewhat familiar.
8:00 AM
The students came pouring in, a loud, chattering massive herd of excited five year olds. Jack smiled in a friendly way and introduced himself to the students and their parents as Mr. Brown, a substitute for Miss Honey. She needed some time off and would be back before they knew it, he assured them.
8:33 AM
Jack's heart was racing, but his voice and face were deadly calm. He held his hands out, palms up, in the stance one used to negotiate with an armed hostile. "Terrence, I need you to put down the paint."
Terrence, a dopey-looking kid with glasses, was standing with the big pot of blue paint that Jack had unthinkingly left out on the art table. The lid was off, and the container was wobbling over a little girl named Susan's head.
Susan was crying. "Don't let him sp-spill any on me!" she sobbed.
Terrence looked down at her. "Terrence! Look at me!" Jack shouted. "Put down the paint!"
8:33:15…16…17
8:37:43…44…45
Susan was howling near the sink, while Jack tried to persuade her to put her head under the faucet. She looked like a disgruntled mutation of Tobias Funke.
"Susan, we need to get this paint off of you," Jack tried to explain. She continued to twist around in his grasp and wail.
Jack sighed, feeling stressed. "Alright, look, I'll send you to the nurse. She'll know what to do." He fetched one of the pink nurse slips and quickly signed it. "I think she'll know why you're there."
Susan took the note and left, still sniffling. The rest of the class, who had been pleasantly shocked by the whole ordeal, had returned to their art projects after Jack had sent Terrence to time out. Jack now prowled amongst them, at his most silently intimidating.
12:00
As the students came spilling back into the classroom from recess, Jack's finely trained hearing picked up on suspicious chatter.
As the students began to lay down for nap time, Jack pulled a young girl, Claire, aside. Jack did his best to put on a caring, trustworthy face.
"Claire, what happened at recess?" he asked.
Claire looked up at him shyly. "Jonas went bathroom outside," she said softly, then giggled.
Jack was mildly disgusted, but hey, he'd hacked apart a corpse's body with a hacksaw before. "He peed on a bush?" he asked for clarification.
"He went number 2!" Claire giggled, then ran away to her cot.
Jack just stood there and frowned for an entire minute.
12:04
"Jonas, you're going to have to tell me where you went poo-poo," Jack said. He had Jonas sequestered from the rest of the students in a small inner office. He also had his desk lamp shining in Jonas's face and his letter opener pointed straight at his heart. It was the little things that really helped to intimidate.
Jonas just swung his feet back and forth where he sat, across the desk from Jack. He looked ashamed and embarrassed. Jack waited.
Silence.
"Jonas, come on. You can tell me," Jack said.
Jonas was still quiet. Then, suddenly, he said, "I didn't go poo-poo."
Jack sighed and rolled his eyes. "Jonas, Claire told me you went poo-poo. Adam saw the poo-poo. And Nick saw you do it. Just tell me where, so I can have someone clean it up."
Jonas kicked his legs back and forth faster. "Didn't do it," he argued.
"Yes you did! Where is it?"
"It wasn't me!"
Jack tried to push back thoughts of what he would do in a regular interrogation. Shooting kneecaps was out of the question.
"It's a health hazard to every student in this school. We need to find it and clean it up!"
Jonas crossed his arms sullenly and sat in silence.
"Where is the poo-poo?!" Jack barked.
12:07:22…23…24
Back at CTU, George Mason smiled to himself as he listened to the feed from the bug he'd put in Bauer's briefcase. He didn't think of himself as sadistic, but he couldn't deny that he took pleasure from the struggles Jack was going through. It was just so wonderfully absurd to hear Jack try to deal with five year olds. Oh well, enough for now. He actually had real work to do for now. All of that saving America took a lot of time.
12:56 PM
Jack was feeling a little more in control. He'd extracted the intel from Jonas and the janitorial staff was neutralizing the situation.
He was now sitting at his desk, going over files related to Dave McTerrorFace. His silence was interrupted by the faint but unmistakable sound of trickling.
He surveyed the room. All of the students were on their army-style cots, either asleep or ostensibly so. He warily got up from his desk.
He edged around his desk and towards windows. He scanned the playground for anything out of the ordinary; hooded men, C4 bombs, and the like. It seemed clear.
The sound died away. Jack turned back to the room, and started to creep towards the door of the classroom to check the hallway outside.
There was a splash as Jack's foot hit a puddle.
Time seemed to slow for Jack. He could hear his heart beating loudly as he froze, and then slowly looked down.
His worst fear was confirmed. He was standing in a puddle of piss.
What was with these kids?
3:42 PM
George looked up from his computer as Jack Bauer entered his office after giving a cursory knock. "Jack, good to see you," he said. "What's up?"
Jack stood in front of his desk, at attention.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to reassign me," he said.
Mason raised an eyebrow. "You've never backed away from an assignment before," he noted.
"I'm simply not suited for this one. There must be someone, anyone, who would be a much more appropriate choice."
Mason frowned. "Well, I can't pretend like I'm not disappointed."
Jack put his hands on Mason's desk and leaned forward. "You don't know what it's like," he said gruffly.
Mason scoffed. "Please. They're five year olds. I doubt they're that bad."
Jack stayed where he was. "Listen to me, George. They're bad."
He straightened up and walked away from Mason's desk. Mason eyed his back thoughtfully. Jack kept his back to Mason as he continued.
"I've been through a lot. You know that. I've done heroin for my job, for fuck's sake. I've been through a lot more than you even know about, stuff I didn't put in my reports. And I know that I can't handle this."
"Jack, come on. I'm sure they just tried your patience."
Jack shook his head. "It's not just that. It's…constant. They're everywhere. I can even smell them on me."
Mason raised an eyebrow. Jack looked over his shoulder at him. "Latoya threw up on me," he informed Mason.
"Ah. I see," Mason said.
"George, you're going to have to trust me when I say I can't do something. You know I don't complain, and I wouldn't tell you this unless I meant it."
Mason sighed. "Well, you're not giving me much of a choice," he said. "I suppose I'll have to find a replacement."
"Thank you, sir," Jack said, with a slight nod of his head.
"Yeah," Mason replied. "If that's all, then I suppose you should start working on recon for McTerrorFace. Stake out his house. Help work out his patterns. Curtis is already working on it, talk to him."
"Yes sir," Jack replied, and then turned to leave.
"By the way," Jack said, pausing for a moment. "I found the bug you put in my suitcase."
He gave George a long look, who shifted uncomfortably but didn't try to deny it.
Jack just shook his head at him and left. George couldn't help but grin.