A/N: Hi! This is my first Fairy Tail fanfic! I love Fairy Tail and Mean Girls (even though I've never watched it! IKR!), so I thought, why not make an FT Burn Book?! I used some of the ideas or quotes of the Burn Book from Mean Girls, so if you're watched the movie, you'll understand. And all characters belong to Hiro Mashima! None of them are mine! I hope whoever reads this thinks it's totally fetch! Have fun reading and pleeeeaaase review!

oOoOo

"Three. Two. One. Action."

"Oh? Are we recording now? We are?! Ha, silly me. Let's start over. Like, rewind it or whatever."

"No. Continue. It'll be easier to keep going, M-"

"HEY! Don't say my name!"

"...if that's what you want. Why should it matter? Everyone is going to see your face."

"Wha-?! Isn't this a voice recording?!"

"...no."

"You son of a bitch! You said this was a voice recording!"

"Now, calm down. I never said it was going to be a voice recording."

"You did too!"

"Maybe I did. Can we please just start the reading?"

"Wait a second there, asshole! I'm not letting you off easy! You're the one who told me this was a voi-"

"Could you please relax, M-"

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY MY NAME!"

"And I told you to calm down. Which is exactly what you will do. We're wasting precious time, which I can not afford to lose right now. So, start reading."

"...fine. Where's the book?"

"Here."

"Hmph, whatever. Okay, listen up, students of Fairy Tail Academy! This is a anonymous little thing I'm doing to-"

"You're on camera. This is a video recording."

"...oh. That's right! (Cough). Sorry, bad cold here. (Cough). As I was saying, I have a little scrapbook here I like to call the Burn Book. You're probably wondering what this Burn Book could possibly be. Well, I'll take care of that for you. In this book-"

"(Cough)."

"What the hell do you want now? I mean, really?"

"Ah. Bad cold here too. I was just saying (cough) that you should (cough) open the book a little (cough). Just to show the insides. (cough)."

"You're hilarious. Fine. As I open the Burn Book a little here to the very first page, I have a table of contents for each special student that is important enough to catch my eye here at Fairy Tail Academy. This Burn Book is a book of secrets, dirt, and bashing. It includes something very juicy for almost everyone I know about."

"Okay, nice intro. Start reading, please."

"Would you hush and let me read?! Geez. Okay. First person to be shamed by the Burn Book is one of my favorites, Lucy Heartfilia. I've got so much dirt on this blonde, but here's the best one in my opinion: Lucy Heartfilia was seen stripping naked in front of Gray Fullbuster and Natsu Dragneel in an alley. She 'accidently dropped' the cloth covering her naked body. As if! Like she thought I wouldn't have seen that! Slut."

"Ah. Juicy."

"Ha. Ha. I can hear the excitement just pour out from your voice."

"Mmm. Continue, if you please."

"Natsu Dragneel is next!"

"Wait! Did you say Natsu Dragneel?"

"Hush! Okay, so, he keeps a maid outfit that Lucy Heartfilia wore for the school play at his house. Which he stole! I'll get that little bastard for that later. Anyway, sometimes he smells it when he's alone! Or at least when he thinks he's alone!"

"How...how could this...he...no...he wouldn't..."

"Would you shut your piehole! There's more. I have so much on Natsu it's not even funny. One time, he made out with his pet cat!"

"...Natsu…"

"He breaks into peoples' houses and sleeps on their beds! I can't even imagine it! The guy's a riot! I can't get enough!"

"Natsu! Natsu, you're not ready. You're really not ready...not like I thought you were..."

"...holy shit! Are you crying?!"

"..."

"Oh my. You are! You're really crying! I knew it. It was probably that thing about Natsu. All this juice is making you cry tears of joy! Haha! I knew this was a great idea!"

"..."

"Nothing to say?"

"Turn the camera the other way around."

"Wait, what?"

"Why are you filming me?! Turn it the other way so I can film you! Turn it around."

"Hmph! You're no fun."

"I do not care what you think of me. I'm going to edit out all of what just happened. Keep reading."

"Ugh, okay. Next up is Erza Scarlet. I'll admit it was rather dangerous to get dirt on her, but it was worth adding it to the Book when I finally got it. Erza Scarlet reads smutty manga and fanfiction. She was seen going onto and searching up lemons of her and Jellal! Can you believe it? Erza Scarlet, a pervert!"

"..."

"Aww. I thought that one would impress you. Have you not recovered from Natsu?"

"No, I-"

"Shut it. That was the only second person on the list. You have to hold in your tears, please. Save it for the very last one in the book, which is the best!"

"After Natsu, I don't know if I can-"

"Shhhh. Do it for my sake."

"...fine. Keep going."

"Yay! Okay. Gray Fullbuster. So, it was pretty obvious that Gray strips all the time, wherever and whenever he wants. Fortunately, a little birdie by the name of Gemini told me that he's got a crush on Lucy Heartfilia!"

"Is that all?"

"Well, yes."

"That's not juicy at all."

"But this is Gray Fullbuster here! He would be so awfully cute paired up with Lucy!"

"Hah. What are you, a matchmaker?"

"Hey! There's nothing too sweet and juicy to put about him in the Burn Book. Everyone knows that he's basically a stripper!"

"Yes, I know. But 'he's got a crush' and all isn't good enough for the Burn Book. We're not playing matchmaker here. Make up something juicier. Stretch it."

"Fine. I guess I'll write down that he works at a strip club for gay men. Not that I have anything against gay men or whatever."

"And you don't have anything against Gray?"

"Good point! But by shaming everyone, I'm treating everyone equally and there are no held grudges."

"Mhmm."

"Oh, shut up. Next person is Wendy Marvell. I hate to shame such a cute thing, but I must. Here's the dirt: Wendy Marvell literally has no chest! She once went out on a date with Romeo Conbolt and his moobs were bigger than her own chest!"

"I hope you don't mind if I ask but, moobs?"

"Man boobs. Technically Romeo's only a little boy right now, but he still has moobs. And they're bigger than Wendy's. She's probably still going through puberty, so I'll let her off for having such a small chest. Poor thing."

"I have no words."

"And that's my signal to move on. Gajeel Redfox. Oh, Gajeel. Okay, listen to this: Gajeel cried for two weeks because he didn't have a cat. Apparently, he heard all these amazing stories about Natsu's and Wendy's pet cats and he got all mopey like a huge baby because he didn't have one! It was hysterical!"

"I...am slightly impressed. I will give you a sliver of praise for that one."

"Wait. There's more to that. Gajeel tried to go into the allies to find a cat. Next day, he shows up with scratch marks all over his face and Natsu has the nerve to ask about it. Gajeel slugs him and they fight...oh, you should've seen him!"

"Clock's ticking. Just continue already."

"Ugh. Someone's cranky today."

"None of your business."

"Well, well, well. Don't let me ruin your ice-cream eating session while you have your manopause!"

"You're killing me. I feel dead right now."

"Hey! Come on! That was really great! Admit it."

"As I told you, just continue already."

"Fine! Don't blame me when nobody gives a shit about this video once it's given out. Hmph. Moving on, next person is Juvia Lockser. It's no surprise she is head over heels for a certain stripper, but here's what is interesting: Juvia is a masochist and supposedly into BDSM! I heard from another birdie that she asked Gray Fullbuster to spank her! And she let Gray sit on her as if she was a chair! Gray didn't even know he was sitting on her ass."

"That makes me surprisingly uncomfortable."

"Join the club. Next up we have Levy McGarden. I hate to bash on someone with such a petite figure and cute hair, but she's a fat virgin. That's just the truth and it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that there is nothing else on this paper but those four words."

"Well, that's still half-true."

"Um, what?"

"Levy McGarden being a fat virgin. She's lost some weight and she wasn't really fat in the first place."

"You're such a party-pooper. You better edit that out. Well, she's a virgin at the least; we both know that's true."

"Fair enough. Go onto the next person."

"Okay. Next is Cana Alberona. She drinks at a bar in town with older guys! By older guys, I mean like really older guys. I'm talking old geezers with grey hair and curly mustaches smoking cigars. Guys as old as Romeo Conbolt's dad. Who knows how old he is. Hell, I think he's one of the guys she drinks with in that ratty bar! She's like a drunk gold digger or whatever."

"That one was okay. But everyone knows that Cana Alberona is always drinking some odd liquid during class. No one will be surprised to find out she drinks at a bar with old men."

"True that. I'll write that she's a prostitute."

"You wouldn't."

"Watch me."

"...wow. You really put that she was a pross, didn't you? I honestly can not believe you, M-"

"MY NAME!"

"Yes. Forgive me. Please continue."

"Thank you. Our next victim is Lisanna Strauss. She is-hold on! That bitch doesn't even go here, does she?!"

"According to these attendance sheets, she does. She transferred from Edolas Academy after staying there two years."

"Ew. Edolas Academy. Everything in that school is so messed up. It's just a copycat of Fairy Tail Academy anyway."

"Read, please."

"Won't you ever let me talk?! GEEZ! Okay. Lisanna Strauss. According to my little Burn Book here, I don't have the juiciest dirt on her, but just some bashing. Lisanna is a dyke."

"...and the snake bites. That was by far the most cruel and offensive thing you've written in the book so far."

"What? It is the Burn Book after all. It's not like it's a lie anyway."

"Oh? It sounds rather stretched. Couldn't you prove it to me?"

"I don't know why you're provoking me, but I accept. Hey, zoom the camera in."

"Done."

"Okay. See this picture here. Yeah. I know what you're thinking. Totally fetch right?! That's Lisanna making out with a blue-haired girl. Bam! There's your proof."

"Zooming out now. Okay, listen. Look at me. Hey. Look at me. That's not a girl."

"...are you really gonna try to put me down again?! You've been such a party pooper. You ruin everything! You're like rain on a sunny day. You're making the Burn Book seem like shit."

"I don't mean to, but you know-"

"SHUT UP! I don't care whether or not you're on your manopause! Not here! Not now! Not today! You're not ruining the Burn Book!"

"...all I said was the blue-haired person in the picture isn't a girl. I'm rather shocked you couldn't tell that that was a male."

"Seriously, could you not?"

"Just look closely. Please."

"...um, yeah. That's a girl. I have no idea what you're talking about. You're the one wasting time by saying that's a guy."

"Oh?! You must not have seen the muscular arms of the person Lisanna Strauss is kissing. I can't seem to think of any girls who have blue spiked hair and like to wear wife-beaters and baggy pants."

"Hey! You're literally describing my mother! How do you know what she looks like?!"

"I can not tell whether or not that was sarcasm and it is starting to frighten me."

"I don't know either. But, I did lead you into a 'yo momma' joke, and you didn't answer something really asshole-y. So, uh…"

"...let's go back to the original topic."

"Yeah."

"That is a male. Please look closer. Shove your nose into the picture if you need to. That is clearly not a female."

"...okay. So, that kind of looks like Bickslow. You know, Bickslow? I mean, Bickslow just happens to have spiked blue hair and likes to wear wife-beaters and baggy pants. And...now that I think about it, he is dating Lisanna Strauss."

"Are you alright? You're silent."

"..."

"Wha- hey! Don't rip the page out! Stop! M-"

"Don't say it…if you say my name I will burn you and throw your sorry ashes into an urn and bury it."

"...so you ripped the page out."

"No shit. What are you, Deliora or something? It's not like I can just erase the part where I wrote that Lisanna was a dyke. It was in ink! Geez. Let's move on."

"Hey, maybe there was a back to that page. Flip it over."

"Fine. Oh, you're right. Elfman Strauss. Elfman Strauss thinks everything is a man. I think he's gay too! I mean, with a name like Elfman, what the hell were his parents thinking?!"

"He thinks everything is a man?"

"Yup."

"The air just got rather awkward. I have nothing to say."

"You got that right. His page doesn't matter anymore now that it's been ripped out, so...let's go on to the next person. Freed Justine. On this page it says he's too gay to function. He was seen looking at nude pictures of Blue Pegasus boys. Plus, you can tell that he totally fawns over Laxus Dreyar like an injured birdie."

"Laxus Dreyar? Grandson of Vice Principal Dreyar? Isn't he in college now?"

"Yup. He's got so much 'affection and respect' for Laxus Dreyar. Please. Freed is in love with him."

"And the thing about the Blue Pegasus boys?"

"Oh, the Trimens. Have you heard of them? They're famous models who pose nude in Blue Pegasus's magazine. Exactly what I would expect from a modeling agency ruled by Bob. Speaking of Bob, his cosmetics are spot on!"

"(Cough.) Let's move on. And no, I have not heard of them. Next person please."

"Next person is Bickslow, and why do I not know his last name?"

"I don't know it either."

"Oh, well, here's the dirt: Besides Bickslow totally looking like a girl-"

"(Cough)."

"Oh, would you shut it?! Anyway! Bickslow keeps wooden statues at his house that he likes to call his babies. He takes care of them like they're real and paints them and cleans them and...it's just ew, okay? They're like voodoo dolls he uses to keep lost souls in."

"I...nevermind."

"For once, I completely agree with you having nothing to say, especially with the voodoo dolls. Next is Evergreen. Evergreen said she was a virgin, but that's obviously a lie because she uses Super Jumbo Tampons. Another birdie told me that she saw a pack fall out of Evergreen's backpack. Hah. Super Jumbo Tampons."

"I have never been so uncomfortable in my life."

"Oh, was it the Super Jumbo Tampons?"

"Maybe."

"Well, loosen up a bit. There's only a few more people left, but they're less interesting in my opinion."

"Before we move on, and I know I'm wasting time, but how can you relate Evergreen being a virgin to her using Super Jumbo Tampons?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"I don't think so."

"That's what I thought. Next on the list is pretty boy Romeo Conbolt. To make things short and sweet for such vulnerable prey, I'll use one word: smoker. I don't blame the kid, since his dad is kind of a drunk and has cancer in two parts of his old body. He smokes like, six cigarettes in a day."

"That is definitely a lie."

"It's not! I did not stretch that one. Poor Romeo inherited his old man's bad habit of smoking too many in one day. His breath smells like farts and nicotine whenever he has the energy to talk to me. I hope I don't see him in the hospital anytime soon."

"Oi. This is the Burn Book. You have to be seen as a cruel, mean person. You can't be seen feeling pity for someone. I'll have to edit that out."

"Don't 'oi' me! I'm a human being too, and I have every right to feel sorry for a preteen who smokes!"

"...it must be finally settling in then. Hurry up and finish reading. The clock is ticking."

"Yeah, okay. Next is- wait! What's settling in?!"

"What are you talking about, M-"

"My name!"

"Oh, that is right. Now, keep reading."

"But you didn't answer my question! I'm not (hiccup) drunk or anything, am I?! (hiccup) Tell me! Answer my question! What's (hiccup) settling in? Why (hiccup) am I hic- (hiccup) hiccuping?! What did you do to me?!"

"It's too bad I'll have to edit this out. Come on. Just read the very last one at the least."

"NO! You're not answering (hiccup) my question?! What the (hiccup) hell (hiccup) is settling in?! What is (hiccup) going on?!"

"I'm sorry, but I'll be taking the book now."

"NO! GIVE IT BACK! THE BOOK IS MINE! I'M THE ONE WHO CREATED IT ON THAT LONELY NIGHT AFTER I FINISHED TWO BOTTLES OF LIQUOR! GIVE IT BACK OR I SWEAR I WILL BURN YOU AND YOUR SORRY ASS! GIVE IT BACK NOW!"

"Shh. I am going to take my leave now. It must be finally settling in."

"WAIT! WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, HUH?! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS BACK DOWN IN THAT SEAT AND ANSWER ME!"

"You were so much fun, but I have to leave now. I'll have Deliora edit some parts out, and I promise that you'll be the first one to receive the recording when it's all clean."

"DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE THIS ROOM BEFORE YOU CAN EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON! GIVE ME MY BURN BOOK! I SWEAR! GIVE IT BACK NOW AND WE ARE GONNA...gonna...we're gonna..ta...talk…"

"It's finally settled into your system, Principal Vermilion. I apologize in advance for my rash actions. You would have never agreed to recording the contents of your wicked Burn Book while you were...thinking straight. I would have never thought you had such a book in the first place. You were intoxicated though...I'll take my leave now."

A dark haired man smirked mysteriously at a woman with long waves of blonde hair passed out on a chair, her feet lying on the desk in front of her. He eyed the six bottles of liquor on the desk cautiously, but decided it wasn't worth the effort. The white powder changed his mind though. He slipped on some gloves and cleaned the powder off the desk and into a small bag.

Before he left, he made his way around the messy rubble surrounding the camera and his chair and towards the woman, bending over to plant a light kiss on her forehead.

"I know you will not hate me after this. You will laugh, and laugh, just like you always do," he whispered to the blonde's unconscious figure with loving eyes. "Maybe you'll laugh at how you let me in to your office so peacefully in the first place."

He tucked the camera under his arm and looked at the Burn Book in his hand. "You did say that the last one was the best. I guess I should read it aloud for a little fun before I leave, just for you."

"Principal Vermillion is a slut with no heart and feelings. She dyed her hair blonde. Can you believe that's not her true hair color?" The man said aloud, chuckling along the way. He looked at the blonde woman and rolled his eyes. "Bashing yourself to even the blame if someone ever found out about this malicious secret of yours. It's no wonder you are called the Fairy Tactician."

He made his way towards the door, almost opening it when he dropped the Burn Book. It fell, landing on the backside. The dark haired man was surprised to see that there was another page on the back. He picked up the Burn Book and read the page quietly.

"If Zeref does Black Arts, then why is he white?"

The dark haired man's fingers grew white as a sheet, curling so tightly around the spine of the Burn Book.

Three.

Two.

One.

"MAVIS!"