It's early in the morning; I know so even though I haven't seen the alarm clock yet. The sun light comes in through the window and wakes me up.
I open my eyes slowly, I opened them quickly in the past and the result wasn't good. It hurt. The sun is bright and shiny in Panama.
I see nothing but my belly. It is gotten so huge that I can barely see past it.
"It is a boy, Michael" I think, for now I can only talk to him in my head "I am gonna name him after you"
I miss him more than I can bear and yet he is somehow still with me.
We had so many dreams. "You should be here" my eyes get watery.
I never thought I could be this happy and this sad at the same time.
Sometimes at night when I'm in the dark and everything is quiet I close my eyes and think of him until I can almost see him and feel his arms around me.
I feel the baby stir inside of me, my baby. "I'm so scared, Michael"
I know I am not alone in this but he is the only one I need and want to be by my side
"I love you" I whisper. There's nothing but silence. All I can do now is imagine him saying he loves me back. I know he did. God. I don't think no one ever loved me like he did.
I allow myself to smile at the thought of everything he did for me. "In a year you gave me all the love I hadn't received in the years before I met you and enough love to last a lifetime." I rub my belly and the baby gives me a little kick
"Thank you" I whisper again but this time silence doesn't hurt because this time I can feel the warmth of Michael's love in my heart.