I don't know when or why it hit me, but it hit fast and hard. Maybe it was the long months of torturing myself. It could have been the emptiness I truly believed was overtaking me. It didn't really matter now, he was who I wanted, who I needed and I was not going to wait another second to tell him.
As soon as my faithful truck ignited, my heart began to race and a bead of sweat found its way down my neck despite the chilly 54 degree cloudy day. I had to fight to keep control on the road. Luckily the speed was kept at a minimum due to my elderly vehicle or I might have gotten myself killed on that winding road.
It seemed as if I had just left my house when I saw the rusty red of Jacob Black's house. The rain had picked up and I barely got my truck to turn onto his drive. I pulled around the garage which lay behind so as not to bother anyone. I had killed the engine letting it coast to a slow stop. I sat in the cab, my thoughts progressing from one impossible fantasy to the next. My hands still clenched the steering wheel while my brain imagined how I would say everything I felt. For the first time in my life the guilt, the worry, the hollowness was gone and I was acting only on impulse. I wasn't thinking my decisions through only thinking of the millions of ways to carry out that impulse. I knew he wouldn't turn me down. It made the need increase when I truly realized that. I could have what I wanted and I could have it now. But how to exploit the need so as to draw the pleasure out as long as possible. Finally, I knew what I would do. I may not be a master but I had to start somewhere.
I opened the door and got out, walking with deliberate determination. I expected the door to open before I reached it but it did not. I knocked. Nothing. I knocked again. Nothing. Fear began to take hold. Could I keep this feeling going if I left, would it go away, never to return? I couldn't take that chance. I turned the knob, it gave. I walked through the door looking around for someone to apologize to. I did not see a single soul. I walked down the small wheelchair ramp across the living room and down the hall to Jake's room. I stood outside taking slow deep breaths. This is it I thought, my life changes forever once I open this door. Again I turned the knob, gradually I pushed the door open. I mentally prepared. I closed my eyes and took that first step into my new life.
I opened my eyes and my heart sank. The bed was empty...like my hope. Suddenly the gash had slashed it's way back through me, bigger and deeper than before. I knew how foolish it was to let myself be this crushed but I truly feared my feelings. They came and went so quickly these days I really didn't know if I could preserve this new found freedom from depression. I walked to his bed and sat down. I looked from wall to wall, studying every tiny item. From the clothes on the floor to the crumpled up half written letters. I grabbed his pillow and inhaled. His smell is more than home to me it's peace. I wrapped my arms around it and let myself fall back onto the bed, half holding and half laying onto that lifeline.
I hadn't realized I'd fallen asleep until I heard the whispering coming from beside me. The sound was deep yet soft, and with a hint of amusement I heard my name again.
"Bella...wake up." He placed his hand innocently on my upper arm shaking me every so slightly. The heaviness in my eyelids seemed to lessen and I was able to wake at least mentally. I still could not get my eyes to open.
"Jake? No one answered...I came to... tell you something." I could barely get the words out before I started to drift off again. Something about his warmth and his smell was lulling me into sleep.
"Well...I'm here. You might want to wake up so you can tell me." I could hear his smile. And then as if hit by a truck I flew up scooting back against the wall realizing, remembering what I had come to do. It hadn't left, I still wanted him. I hadn't lost myself. Apparently the shock on my face was quite amusing, because Jacob's laughter shook the bed.
"Did somebody die?" He continued laughing and I found myself smiling, almost seeing myself through his eyes.
"No...I just...kinda had an epiphany that's all." My head was beginning to clear and my heart to return to its original pace.
"Now I know you're older than me, but do you have to use those big words? It really makes me feel my age. Now what did you have a symphony about?" Now it was my turn to laugh hysterically, this was why, this right here.
"No. Not symphany...epiphany...it's like a realization. I'll tell you later. Lets go work on the bikes, k?" He agreed and together they went to the garage.
It was just like every other time I was in the garage with Jacob, he was working and talking. Me, sitting off to the side keeping away from anything important. I couldn't help watching his hands while he worked. Those beautiful strong, dark hands. Long fingers with surprisingly soft looking skin. I could see the muscles and tendons flexing and relaxing every time he turned a wrench or squeezed some pliers. It seemed graceful to me the way he knew where and how everything went together as if he wasn't even thinking. It was second nature to him. He looked up at me quizzically.
"What are you smiling at?" It took me a moment to focus back on the here and now.
"I was just thinking that we need some music. What have you been listening to lately?" I couldn't go into my feelings and thoughts just yet. It had to be drawn out. I had to make it worth it. And I had to work up my courage again.
"Uh...sure...I would ask when you changed your mind but I doubt you'll tell me so I'll go grab some CD's." I could tell he was surprised at my asking for music. Every other time we had been together I had made sure there was no music unless it was mindless noise. I wasn't able to handle anything less.
He came back relatively quick and looked somewhat unsure of himself which isn't like Jacob. Most of the time he seems to know exactly who he is.
"Well I didn't know what you would want to listen to so I brought pretty much everything in the house. There is some oldies stuff that's my dad's, a couple of pop CD's left from my sisters, a couple classic rock and hard rock, and I've been kinda listening to Secondhand Serenade." He paused, probably waiting for me to make fun of him but it almost brought tears to my eyes. I knew exactly which song he had probably been listening to and the guilt just about ripped me in two.
I saw him place the CD in the player and push play. I couldn't stand it anymore. I stood up and walked over to him. He stood up and moved to turn off the music.
"Don't turn it off Jake...I like it...but..." I leaned down and pulled him to stand in front of me. "...I don't want you to feel that way." I gestured to the song. "Jake...I'm not sure...I...well..." God why was this so hard. I knew what I wanted, I knew how I felt. I guess I was scared. What if I had pushed him too far? What if he finally realized I wasn't worth the trouble? What would I do? I'd been torn up and broken for so long and now I felt I was coming back from the dim lifeless world I'd been living. I was on the brink of a cliff staring out at the rising sun soaking up it's rays and color, and that is what Jacob is to me, my SUN! How would I react if that was taken away? I just didn't think I could live through that!
"Something has changed for me. And as soon as I realized it I came straight over to tell you...well to show you actually." I looked down at my shoes, at the garage floor, at my fingers nervously twisting the hem of my shirt, anything else but up at him. " Jake...I...". But I couldn't finish my sentence before I was in his arms my breath taken away but his full lips against my own. A weight lifted then, a weight so heavy my whole being felt lighter. I hadn't lost him. He was mine and I was his.
My face in his hands, my hands tangled within the lustrous curtain of his hair pulling him closer to me. There was still too much space between us. I pushed up closer against him. Our lips moved in perfect unison together as if we were made for this.
I felt my feet being lifted from the ground. He was carrying me, to where I didn't know nor did I care. I heard a door open and shut, once, then again. And then we were lying on something soft which gave as our weight bore down on it. The details of anything outside of Jacob and me were simply not important. I could only see him. His eyes, his face, his lips. He parted them and they were on mine again making me lose myself in the sensation.
The heat surrounding us was almost palpable and before I knew it I'd loosened his belt and removed his shirt as he was unbuttoning my blouse. I was grateful he had gotten to my buttons, I would not have been able to focus on those with his perfect upper body laid bare for me to gawk at. I couldn't stop myself from exploring every ripple of his perfectly toned chest and midsection until I felt a deep shudder deep within me. As I looked down, he already had my bra off and was suckling one of my breasts with such sweet tenderness I grabbed is hair again in my grip and arched my back. I had never felt anything like it in all my life.
Something was building inside me, a pressure pushing from the inside out slowly. A feeling centered somewhere below my belly and gaining in intensity. This side of me I had never explored, always feeling much too embarrassed to try. Everything was new to me. I'd felt stirrings before but nothing so acute and consuming.
He slowly slid my jeans with my panties, down my hips and backside, tossing them aside and removing his in the process. I always thought I would be afraid to look at a naked man. But Jacob was not just some man he was mine and I wanted to see all of him as I wanted him to see all of me. I was not disappointed. With the blink of an eye he was back with me kissing me, touching me. I touched his length and felt him shudder as I gently stroked. I was surprised at how soft the skin was. Soft and warm yet rigid with readiness. He moaned my name. "Bella". I smiled loving the sound. We were facing each other, gazing into each others eyes. He moved his hand up to my shoulder gently pushing me onto my back so he could lie on his side up against me. He slid that hand down my body over my breast. Down my belly to the one spot I didn't know I wanted him to touch but where a tingling at sprung. I cannot explain the feeling, but every woman knows it, what happens when that spot is stimulated to completion. The most intense waves spreading through me until suddenly it was all too much, and my body was clenching every muscle. I'd exploded yet I was still in one piece. I needed more, something more. I needed to be filled...filled with Jacob.
I rolled over onto him, caressed his body from his shoulder, down his arm and hip, and somehow knowing the correct movements, wrapped my lips around him. He let out a deep sigh, his eyelids fluttered. "Bella...is this really what you want?" I merely continued my ministrations, finding a rhythm that suited his breathing. He stopped me by pulling me up to kiss him with renewed intensity. My body knew by instinct what to do next. I felt him enter me. There was pain, but I'd felt pain before. This was nothing. He was slow, he continued to kiss my mouth, my neck, my breasts...letting me decide when and how to move. It did not take long before the pain was gone and something new was rising. I felt that feeling again, and noticed his thumb rubbing that spot again. I moved my hips with his, writhing and grinding. My hands naturally lay on his chest giving me leverage. My fingers curving into his flesh, as I flung back my head, panting. The sensation building stronger this time. The need for its release was more forceful. I was desperate for it.
"Bella...my Bella." That was all it took for us both. He felt my muscles tighten, I felt him erupt inside me. Our movements still working together for minutes afterward cherishing the tremblings of the after effects.
I lay across his chest, listening to his heartbeat, feeling happier than I'd ever been before. There was no gash, no hole. It was as if it never existed, as if he...Edward had never existed. That had all felt like a dream, but this was real. Jacob was real. My eyes grew heavy and felt myself drift off to Jacobs snores of peaceful sleep.
"I love you Jacob...I love you." My eyes opened to him and again I kissed his lips. He smiled and kissed me back with more fervor. He wanted me again and I cannot help but want him as well. That's when I saw him, standing at the window glaring at us. Edward. I blinked and there was nothing there. I must have imagined it. Jacob pulled my attentions back to him, and we made love again this time slower. We again fell asleep in each others arms.