A Sadness Runs Through Him
He shivered because of the cold that was all around them and Kakashi couldn't help but to shiver himself, despite him having more clothes and despite him being older and despite him being much more used to these kinds of situations, now almost used to his loved ones dying in his arms and he shivered, he shivered.
The front of his vest got wet either with blood or with tears, he couldn't see which, and he felt Naruto's breathing so unsteady, so uncertain, something so far from secure. He was hanging on with his fingertips now, too weak to care about anything else than to feel the warmth of his lovers arms through the fabric of his sweater.
"We'll fix you up, I promise, we'll stitch you right up and you'll be as good as new we just have to get you to Tsunade or Sakura-"
The one in his arms started shaking and it took a dreadful panicky second to realize it was from laughter, albeit quiet.
"Do you remember that time I was hurt from training and you fed me-" (a cough, his shirt got wetter, redder) "ramen because no one else wanted to and you should've seen Sakura's face it was only the bandages that kept her from punching me. She was so sick of me..."
Kakashi hurried up a slope, tried so desperately to reach the village before it was too late though he already started fearing that it was, felt his brain slow down, felt time slow down like it does when you realize time might be running out, despite your knowledge of days to come, that you're somehow being cheated because you were so certain those days would come and yet they won't. They will leave you behind and all those gifts you bought for him will remain in the closet, not opened, will never be opened because the one meant to open them will not be there.
So many things they had yet to do that they wouldn't get the chance to. He thought about the first time they had made love, a silly game that had stopped being a game a long time ago, but they kept the facade as a reason for the feverish unspoken words between them, told themselves that the declining regulations was also part of the game, the fact that they took great care to never be in the same room because neither trusted themselves was also attributed to the game, a silly game, one they had to keep playing in fear of it ending and leaving something much less innocent in its place.
I can't lose you. Not you too.
Never you.
He stumbled in through the door to the infirmary, couldn't care less about the people staring at the disturbing sight; Naruto, the entire village's favourite shinobi, almost dead in his arms, and then himself, the infamous copy ninja, now drenched in blood but not his own.
Tsunade rushed towards him then stopped and gestured towards a room behind her to the right.
"Quickly"
He walked as quick as he possibly could to the room.
"What happened?" Naruto first, he didn't have time to talk as long as he wasn't being tended to.
"Put him down"
He laid him down on the examining bed, he was unconscious, barely breathing-
"Kakashi, it's okay, we've got him now, let go."
His hands ached, his fingers too when they stretched he realized they were red too, sticky, bloody-
"What happened?" Someone asked and Kakashi looked down on the gurney, Tsunade was examining him, yelled orders he couldn't hear. It was quiet. All he knew was his red sticky hands that had carried his loved one so far.
Someone touched his shoulder to make contact, it was Iruka, what was he doing here?
"Kakashi, are you hurt?"
He shook his head no, of course he wasn't hurt though he wouldn't mind lying on the slab one bit if it meant Naruto wouldn't have to.
"Tell me what happened. Where were you?"
He replied automatically "two hours away, they were two, I think they had planned to snatch him they separated us and I had to fight one-on-one. And then suddenly I heard this sound" Like branches snapping in a forest "and I ended my fight and went over there and Naruto was already hurt and the other son of a bitch tried to carry him away but I got to him and- how's he doing?"
He asked a general question but only wanted an answer from Tsunade. She didn't reply, just looked at him, took in his stained clothes.
"I'll preform surgery immediately. Iruka..."
Kakashi didn't miss the way she looked from Iruka and to himself, meaning will you deal with this?
Iruka nodded yes.
He brought him to another room, gestured towards a chair and told him to wait there. He wasn't gone more than a minute but it felt like hours in the limitless state he was in.
He'd brought a change of clothes with him, turned his back on him to give him privacy but he only ended up making him feel more alone.
It became even more tangible that the world had been put on hold because he existed in a vacuum, only waiting for the reason to fall apart, fall down on the floor and disintegrate. He almost looked forward to it because he knew it would happen. What he had was too precious for God to waste on him, he knew he wouldn't get to be that happy for long, this was way overdue. He was certain he wouldn't get to keep him simply because he never had in the past. He longed to feel his breath on his skin, his insecure smile in the morning, the way he inquired about his every shift in mood and the last time they kissed when had it been? He strained to remember, it must have been two days ago, before they went on the mission, they had an unspoken agreement to pretend like nothing while on a job, it would be so easy to forget about it, to get distracted...
Iruka said something, Kakashi saw his lips move but he heard nothing, only Naruto's laugh, a little hasty yet so heartfelt, the first time they had said I love you, he used to comment on his cooking, argue about missions and goals and votes and whether or not he snored and stole the bed cover for himself. Lately Kakashi had given up on getting the cover to stay on his side of the bed, nowadays just snuggled in beside him, their bodies a perfect match, one hand protectively on Naruto's soft warm stomach, his lips almost on his skin at the nape of his neck and Naruto told him it tickled but he couldn't help it, always got himself drunk on the scent of his skin and the heartbreaking closeness he got from feeling every breath he took. What more could you possibly ask for in life?
Iruka must have sensed he wasn't going to get anything useful out of him so he plopped him down in a sofa close to the room where they were operating and he stared down on the floor, unsure of what to say, unsure of what his friend had seen and what he thought. Instead of saying anything he sat down next to him, crossed his arms as if to prevent himself from taking action, then crossed his legs and leaned back against the pillows.
Kakashi stared out the window but not seeing, everything was blurred lines and was it tears that clouded his vision? He didn't know anymore.
Please.
Please, just let me keep this.
Let me keep him.
Please. Just this once.
I-...I don't ask for much...
He didn't ask for miracles. All he wanted was to take him home. Their home, their house, it was Kakashis but he practically lived there, a somewhat secret arrangement.
No, you don't understand. You see, he has to make it. I bought him a present, and it's still wrapped, it's his.
Don't you dare take him before he opens it.
Don't you dare take him from me.
He didn't know whom he prayed to, whom he threatened, and his thoughts were so weary now, stumbling, falling, he tried to keep himself upright but couldn't, so tired...
The careful morning light awoke him and for a blissful second he didn't know where he was. The knowledge dawned on him, he sat up, what had happened with Naruto why in God's name had no one come for him- it can't be...
Next to him Iruka was sleeping, the idiot, seemingly unaffected by the previous days happening.
Kakashi stood up, filled with resolve to find Naruto, for better or worse, a picture of the morgue flashed before his eyes and he nearly threw up in a bin next to the wall but he steadied himself.
No.
He broke out in a cold sweat.
He checked the room closest to the left.
Empty.
He checked the one on the other side.
Empty.
He checked three more rooms which were all empty and a nausea started to make itself known this is how it happens, this is how I lose him.
He pushed another door open and in a sturdy chair to the left, below the window, Tsunade was sleeping. He felt his blood rushing before he could process the fact that he was actually in that bed.
He could tell, even from a distance, that he was sleeping.
That he was alive.
She didn't know what had woken her up just that there was someone in the room that hadn't been there before. She opened her eyes just a little, made no attempt to move.
Aha, there you are.
Kakashi stepped inside and closed the door behind him, ever so quietly.
She didn't feel like being yelled at for not waking him yesterday when they had finished and thus feigned sleep. Kakashi had been sleeping so soundly and Naruto's condition was stable so she figured she'd let him sleep. He'd looked as if he needed it, she hadn't seen him so shaken in a long time, maybe never...
He stepped closer, now on the right side of the bed, looking down on Naruto almost shyly, as if he wasn't sure he was allowed to, as if he was used to getting scolded when he did.
She had heard rumours, she had shaken her head, refused to believe.
Dammit.
What would your parents say, Naruto?
And then she stopped herself, ashamed as if someone had heard her thoughts. She had no right to.
Naruto was a splendid shinobi, radiant, it was just so difficult to let go of the image of him as little, to let go of the need to protect him. And with that man by his side...
She squinted, her curiosity got the better of her, despite her efforts not to she wondered what their relationship was like, how they got along.
He still stood by the side of the bed, now smiling, barely, as if reminiscing.
I'm sorry.
Minato.
Kushina.
She was forgetting what was important, the thing that mattered now was that he was okay.
He is safe.
She heard steps edging closer to the bed, so careful not to wake the sleeping.
She looked.
He bent over the bed, softly, truly a ghost when he wanted to be, placed a hand on his hair, barely touched his forehead with his lips.
And she knew.
He is loved.