A/N – AU, crack!fic, fairy-novella as opposed to a tale…call this what you will :) I just know I had a great time writing it.

Disclaimer – I don't own anything except my tendency to insert mild satire wherever I think I can get away with it ;)

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a princess called Emily Ravenhair. She lived with her father, King Jason, her younger sister Jennifer Goldencrown and twenty servants, her favourite of whom was her lady-in-waiting, Penelope. In many ways, Emily was the perfect princess; kind, patient, beautiful…and totally kickass. Her father was a mildly paranoid monarch, and so he had insisted that she learn to defend herself from a very young age. Emily practised self-defence every day with her bodyguard, Anderson. She always thought her father rather silly and over prepared until the day that the witch Erin Blackheart sent her fiercest warrior, Ian of the Green Valley, to try and capture the princess so she could lock her up in the tallest tower and blackmail the king. Emily, with a ladylike roll of her eyes, had proceeded to kick his butt and drag him to the deepest dungeon. He was still languishing there, and when she was feeling sad she thought about him down there and didn't feel nearly so bad.

Emily was perfectly content with her life. Her father, the king, was a gentle and loving parent, if a little distracted by his kingly duties. Her sister, Jennifer, was her best friend and closest confidante; Jennifer had learned everything she knew from her older sister and was just as capable of causing damage to mere men as her. In the courtly archery competitions, Jennifer had the best shot of anyone in the castle, and had once shot a troll who tried to eat Penelope when they were crossing a bridge. She kept the head of the troll on the wall above her bed, as testament not only to her skill but also the rather macabre streak that disconcerted her father and amused everyone else a great deal. Penelope, for her part, was one of the cleverest people the sisters had ever met. The king had a vast library, and Penelope was the best at finding anything that anyone needed to know. She was also a happy woman, always smiling, and Emily loved her dearly. Everyone did, even King Jason, who sometimes complained that Penelope's cheery nature gave him a headache.

Yes, Emily was very happy. So it came as rather a rude awakening when one day King Jason called her to him whilst he was at court. He sat straight backed in his chair, his brow furrowed deeply in contemplation. Emily often felt sorry for her father; he worked very hard, and felt the pains of his subjects as though they were his own. Erin Blackheart often inflicted famine upon the lands, and King Jason worked hard to make sure that everyone had enough to eat. Emily kissed his forehead and, being rewarded with a rare smile, took her place at his side. He grasped her hand and began to speak.

"My daughter," he said, "When your mother died, I made her a promise that when I thought you were ready, I would make sure you married a good man. That time has finally come."

Emily was horrified.

"But father, I don't want to get married!"

"Please Emily," he pleaded, "I wish to pass my kingdom on to you when I die, but you must be married to inherit. It's the law."

"Then I would rather be landless!" Emily cried, "I'd rather be poor than submit to a man I do not love."

King Jason looked hurt and pulled away, clasping his hands together.

"Do you think I would choose for you and allow you no say? I love you, my child, and I want you to be happy. You can choose your husband."

"But I do not know any men," she said, feeling guilty to have caused him pain, "How am I to choose?"

"I have invited the four most eligible bachelors from all four lands to stay at the palace. Get to know them, and only then must you make your choice."

The princess still wasn't happy with the situation, having been recently studying 'Feminisme For The Moderne Womane', but she wanted desperately to make her father happy and so she didn't argue any more. She ran all the way to her chambers at the top of the tower and found Jennifer and Penelope embroidering a vast tapestry of a battle scene, with more attention paid to the blood puddles than the actual action. With a groan, Emily threw herself on to her bed and sighed dramatically. When neither of them lifted their eyes, Emily sighed louder and then cleared her throat. Eventually Jennifer looked up.

"What's wrong, Em?"

"Father tells me it is time to get married. He's invited the four most eligible bachelors in the land to stay here and says I must choose one."

"How horrible!" Jennifer said, "Did you not show him 'Feminisme For The Moderne Womane'?"

"I didn't have time. You know I cannot argue with him."

"Well, I think it could be exciting to have some handsome gentlemen around for a while," Penelope said wickedly, her eyes shining, "And you know your father will not force you to marry one if you do not like any of them."

"Pen is right, Em," Jennifer said, her blood puddles abandoned temporarily, "It could be fun, if only for a while."

"You don't understand," Emily sighed, "I just don't want to get married."

"Never say never, my sweet," Penelope said, "The world turns in mysterious ways."

T.B.C