Welcome to my fic! This fic is cracklicious, but still obeys the laws of physics. Most characters have some degree of OOCness, expecially Snow (for the better imo). This world is a world where all FF worlds are one. That's right, Cocoon, Pulse, Spira, Zanarkand, Midgar, you name it. To be clear, this chocobo farm is the one from FF7, if you read my profile I explain why. Several FF cameos in future chapters. Please enjoy and I suggest you don't eat or drink while reading this fic.

Job Profiles

Lightning Farron- Co-owner, operations manager, security

Serah Farron- Co-owner, petting zoo supervisor, head zookeeper

Snow Villiers- Tour guide

Oerba Yun Fang- Tour guide

Sazh- Chocobo Ride technician

Oerba Dia Vanille- Ticket girl, customer support

Hope Estheim- Ticket boy, customer support

(Main Cameo #1)- Traffic Control, errands

(Main Cameo #2)- Head of security, payroll, accounting

Tales of the Chocobo Kind

Prologue: Chocobo Bill's Death

Lightning Farron sat in her home in Cocoon, watching the morning news on the T.V. She drank her morning protein shake and watched about the death of Chocobo Bill. Apparently his grandson, Billy, was hoping to inherit it but lost it to someone else.

"So Billy", the newswoman started, investigating the situation, "how does it feel to have your life's desire taken away from you?"

"Well, I've loved chocobos all my short little life. I loved feeding them, brushing them, washing them, and even picking up the poo! And now that I can't help out anymore I just want to kill the bitches who stole it from me!" Billy said

"Exactly who was that?"

"Lightning and Serah Farron."

FLASHBACK

"No Grandpa! You can't die, not now!" Billy cried. When little Billy woke up this morning, he would have never guessed that he'd find his grandpa, Chocobo Bill, outside and drowning in the tiny pond the chocobos drank from.

"Sorry, sonny, but an old geezer like me has to die someday, and that someday is today."

"But grandpa, who will take care of the farm? I can't do it alone!" Billy was only 9 years old and barely knew how to count and drink through a straw; he wasn't capable of running the most visited chocobo farm in the world.

"Don't worry Billy, you won't have to do it at all. My will is in the bathroom counter, go get it…" Chocobo Bill tried to say, but was interrupted by his own death.

"No! Grandpa, no!" Billy cried. He left his grandpa in the pond to rot and ran into the tiny, three-room home. He entered the small bathroom, which was painted an unpleasant brown color, and opened the moldy drawer on the counter. He grabbed the wrinkly piece of paper and read out-loud, "'I, Chocobo Bill, give my farm to the pink haired sisters who stole my heart…"

BACK TO PRESENT

Serah stopped cooking her breakfast T-Bone steak and ran over to the TV. She couldn't believe what she was hearing!

"I loved the Chocobo Farm! Expecially that one chocobo Hector. It's been forever since we've been there. Why didn't we go more often?" Serah asked.

"Because Hector kept picking at my ass," Lightning said.

"Hey, hey, don't blame him. It's not their fault your skirt's the size of a postage stamp. So anyways… why don't we run the farm? You don't do anything nowadays, you just wake up, go mountain climbing, then come home to sleep! What do I run here, a motel!? So what do you say?" Serah said.

Just then, Lightning went silent for a few moments thinking about herself, the Great Lightning, riding a Great Chocobo, followed by a million more little chocobos as they roamed the planet and invaded the Lifestream...

"LETS DO DIS," Light decided.

"Yay!" Serah jumped up and down. "Why don't we have Snow, and the gang help us out?"

"You really want to take Snow out of rehab? You were the one who wanted him there in the first place." Snow had been in rehab for the past several weeks now.

"Aw come on, now that I think about it, a toothpaste addiction isn't THAT bad! At least it's not crack or something. He'll get over it later! I'm sure he'll be happy to get out of rehab and have some fun with us."

"If you say so...but you'll have to call him and the others yourself."

"Ok ok!" Serah said happily.

Chapter 1: Convincing and Bribing

Lightning and Serah were on a recruiting mission. To run the chocobo they needed help, and now they're going to call the old gang for assistance. They sat at the dinner table with the phone, a stress ball, and some aspirin.

First up: Snow

Serah waited anxiously as she heard the "ringie ring ring" on the line, waiting to talk to Snow who was currently residing in rehab. Serah had always imagined rehab to be a horrible place with straightjackets and torture chambers. In reality the rehab center was full of bouncy balls, fruit punch, and popsicles.

"Hi-ello?" Snow answered.

"Snowey bear!"

"Serah cakes!" Snow answered her back. "How are you sweet thing?"

"Good good! Guess what, my sis and I inherited that old chocobo farm!"

"The one with those creepy chocobos that kept molesting Light?"

"You know it! The owner had a thing for us, so we were included in his will!"

"Well ain't that great news! Say, when I'm finished with rehab I'll come over and visit you at the farm, ok?" Snow compromised.

"Actually, I was hoping you can help us out?" Serah asked.

"I'd love to hun, but I've gotten so far with overcoming my toothpaste addiction, it would be a shame to let all these weeks of not having been able to brush my teeth go to waste," Snow stared to have PTSD flashbacks of all the residents telling him his breath stank and to go brush his teeth.

"I'll give you 300 tubes of Colgate?"

"LETS GET 'ER DONE!" Snow agreed.

"He's still calling you a cake?" Lightning asked her sister after having hung up the phone.

"He calls me a lot of things!" Serah giggled; some of these other things included chicken wing, waifu, and McNugget.

Next up: Fang

"Sis, I really gotta go pee! You call Fang right now please!" Serah suddenly felt the urge to pee like a garden hose.

"No way! I'd rather you pee your pants than have her talk to me in her 'husky' voice again. I swear, ever since people have been shipping us she thinks that's a reasonable excuse to let out her inner lesbo," Lightning really didn't want to do it.

"I'M PEEING RIGHT NOW."

"Ok, just go!" Lightning decided. She didn't want to have to scrub the floors again, not after the Snow's toothpaste fiasco in which he thought it was a fun idea to make a toothpaste slip-and-slide in her living room.

As Serah finished her peeing, Lightning dialed Fang and hoped with all her heart that she wouldn't pull any lesbo moves on her (they always worked).

"Hello?" answered Fang.

"Hi, it's Light. We need some help running a chocobo farm. Would you help us out?"

"Hmmm sugar-plum, what's in it for me?"

"DAMMIT" thought Lightning. "You know," she replied, when in fact, Lightning didn't even know.

"Oh, THAT, I see. Hmm, sounds like a fair deal. I'll join ya then. Cheerio," Fang replied then hung up.

"How'd it go?" Serah asked her sister as she returned from the bathroom.

"I have…no clue what just happened." Lightning had no clue what she had gotten herself into.

Third: Sazh

"OH GOSH I NEED TO PEE AGAIN!" Serah yelled and ran off.

"Just go!" This always happened to Lightning; she was always stuck doing her sister's dirty work like doing all the science projects and selling the girl scout cookies. Nonetheless she gave up and just dialed Sazh's hut.

"Who what when where and WHY!?" he answered.

"Can you help Serah and me with our chocobo farm?"

"Why me?"

"Sazh, we're asking everyone."

"Including me? Why?"

"Because…. we think you can be a big help."

"Can I bring Dajh?"

"Sure, just meet us at train station and have your things ready."

"Why?"

Lightning hung up.

"How'd it go?" Serah asked.

"He kept asking questions, he must be on his new blood pressure prescription." She stood up from the round table and gave Serah the phone. "You call Hope."

"Why me!?" Serah asked. "He's been so emo lately! He'll probably keep me on the phone complaining about how he hates his life!"

"Whenever he even hears me talk he starts having convulsions and stuttering." Hope also has a thing for Lightning, except he was also terrified of her. He would have seizures when he looked into her eyes, stutter when he had to talk to her, and even poop his pants sometimes in her presence!

"Ok then…" Serah gave up and dialed the hopeless boy.

"Hello?" Hope answered sadly.

"Hi Hope, it's Serah, long story short my sis and I inherited a chocobo farm. Would you please help us out with running it?"

"Y-y-y-y-your s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-is?" He stuttered for a good 40 seconds.

"Yes, yes! Don't worry about it, she isn't all that scary! She wears bunny pajamas and eats cotton candy while watching Mexican soap operas! Well anyways, would you help us out?" Serah explained the real Claire Farron.

"I guess, it'll be better than staying at home. The neighborhood boys have been teasing me again, they throw rocks at me and say 'Hope is a weenie, Hope is a weenie!'"

"Ok ok, just meet us at the station tomorrow, bye!" Serah concluded, hung up, and shook her head.

She had to call Vanille next, and knew Vanille could be chatting away for hours on end…

FLASHBACK

Vanille: And then I was like "No way you really think he likes me?" and they were all like "yeah totally girl!" so I was like "Ok I'll ask him out!" And they were like "He's totally gonna ask you to prom!" so I went outside and I was like OMG he was like right there! I was like super nervous and then I like walked up to him and I was like "Hiya hun! Anything you wanna ask me?" and he was like "Who are you?" I was like OMG I thought you liked me! I was like SO SAD and my friends were like "Guuuuuurrrrrrlllll he must be trippin or something!" and I was like "I'll never be prom queen now!"

That night Serah was stuck on the phone for 14 hours hearing Vanille complain about being rejected by Noel Kreiss.

"Just be sure to get to the point and hang up when she says yes," Lightning advised Serah. Serah nodded and nervously dialed Vanille's number.

"HeLLoooooo~!"

"Hi, Vanille, it's me Serah."

"Hey Serah wassap! You guys like NEVER call me!"

"Well, my sis just inherited the old chocobo farm and we were wondering if you would like to pitch in? Snow, Fang, and Sazh are in. So what do you say?"

"Where do I sign up? I'd LOVE to!"

"Just meet us at the train station with all your luggage ready, we're all going to take a train to the farm," Serah explained.

"Great! I'm gonna bring everything! Hey, do you think I can be the captain and be in charge of all the chocobos? That would be SO MUCH FUN! I LOVE chocobos! They're the cutest little animalitos EVER!-"

Lightning took the phone and hung up; she knew Serah wouldn't have the heart to do it herself.