WHAT'S UP SLUTS?! THAT'S RIGHT, SHIRT'S BACK!

Ahem.

Oh yeah. Radnus is here too. Hooray.

YOU HELLSPAWN! I'M IMPORTANT TOO!

Hells yeah you are. You have to do the disclaimer.

WHY?!

I'm too lazy. You know that.

...you're insufferable…

YUP!

We're not the owners of anything but the story. Everything else goes to Atsushi Okubo.

Yes, our two main characters, everyone's favorite sociopath (Yo.) and shitlet (I resent that!) were relaxing in their obscure apartment in Nowhere, USA. The two had caught word across the country, reaching Lord Death, who believed he could harness the power of That GuysShirt, who was borderline a witch but could be contained, and Radnus Mc, her missing moral compass and future weapon. What will become of our heroes? (Sure, let's call it that.) Will Shirt learn a meaningful lesson? (Probably not.) Will Radnus keep his female compatriot away from the police? (I'll just stab them in the throat, really.)

WILL WE EVER KNOW?!

(JUST READ THE STORY, SMARTASS!)

"Screw that! Why would I go to another school just when they're about to let me out of this one!?" It was almost the end of their junior year and they planned to graduate early.

"C'mon Shirt, they sent us an invitation. They think we're special."

"FUCK THE INVITATION, I DON'T NEED TO BE REINFORMED THAT I'M FUCKIN' FANTASTIC!" Shirt yelled. They were accepted into the Death Weapon Meister Academy, it's the school that deal with demons that threaten humanity. They had run into them before but disposed of them rather easily and they were being rewarded for their efforts, no matter how little they cared. Shirt was playing Guitar Hero on their TV in the living room, while Radnus was just looking over the invitation.

"We normally get paid for hunting those assholes down. Now they want it for a grade?! TO HELL WITH THAT BULLSHIT!"

"They allow fights. And reward you for it."

"Okay I'm in."

Radnus rolled his eyes. All it took for her to go somewhere these days was food and a healthy dosage of violence, he thought. But could he really blame her? After years of Satanism and her abnormal strength, the last thing Shirt did was run from a fight.

Well, except from the cops.

Then she'd just set off an explosive and hope it didn't block her escape route.

"When we gotta start packing?" Shirt asked. She tilted her plastic guitar, kicking it into Star Power. She was casually playing "The Kill" by Thirty Seconds to Mars.

"Tonight. We're leaving tomorrow. So wrap up whatever sociopathic plans you have here so you can start making ones for Death City." Radnus said.

"But what if I have ones scheduled for later? And stuff I haven't exactly wrapped up but can't do tonight?" Shirt whined.

"You aren't trying to teach another bear to bring a knife to a fist fight again, are you Shirt? Let Big Papa J rest in peace." Really that fighting lasted for a couple months and they made good money off it, but of course that had changed when Shirt grew too attached to one of the bears and taught it how it use a knife, how to pick locks, and strangely grand theft auto.

"No, my years of Bear vs. Bear fights are over. I like Human vs. Bear. Shit gets intense. But that's not my point. I may or may not have a couple of portals to Hell I have to close." She said. "It's all hypothetical."

" . . . so you mean it's basically been your fault that we had to save the world from that apocalyptic five-headed dragon last Thursday?"

"Kind of. It was sealed, but I didn't feel like using blood, so I used watery ketchup."

"I don't think that's how Satan works Shirt."

"Yeah, so I have to make sure all of those little shitlets are back in the portal before we leave town so they won't, I don't know, scour the country with a thirst for human flesh and the desire to cause chaos." She played the last notes against the soft angsty lyrics, then smashed the guitar on the ground.

"Brutal. Let's go."

"WE CAN'T JUST PRETEND THAT YOU MIGHT UNLEASH THE APOCALYPSE . . . AGAIN!"

- _-20 minutes later-_-

Shirt grinned at the roaring crowd in front of her, then went over to the wall where her trusty katana that she had stolen from a feudal warlord she fought last Kwanzaa sat. She stood on her tiptoes and pulled it down, opening it from its sheath, hearing the old war lord's soul give a warning.

"Thou shalt regret killing the one and only-"

"Quit your yakking, I've got shit to do!" Shirt said, shoving it back inside its sheath. "B. T. dubs, I've got a package arriving in like two hours, and it would probs be in your best interest not to actually open it." She opened the front door and yawned, shielding her eyes against the sun.

"You coming with me or what nerd?" She asked, slinging the weapon over her shoulder.

"Isn't open carry kind of illegal?"

"What do I do that is legal?"

"True." Radnus sighed. There was no plausible way to change Shirt's mind when she had it set like this. Unless there was a bottle of Dr. Pepper or a box of Pocky around (she had probably eaten both as soon as she bought/stole them), she was going to do, in her words, "whatever the fuck I want, when I want, so if you want otherwise, take it up with a bitch who gives a fuck".

"Fine. I'm coming with you. But only because we're out of food. Again. Because of you." Radnus agreed. He stood from his place on the couch and shuffled over to his friend, both leaving their apartment to find adventure elsewhere. Shirt slid down the railing down to the bottom of their apartments, while Radnus just used his powers to float down. They continued on their merry way down the street, until both of them noticed their environment getting progressively more destroyed. A cop car had crashed into a pawn shop, leaving the pawn shop in flames. There were trees in the street, some of them burning as well. The sky was gray with smoke, and smell of it filled the air.

"Hey Shirt?" Radnus asked. "What exactly can get through that portal? Danger-wise?" She shrugged. "Just about anything really. Whatever had the malicious intent enough to just come in." She explained. "But I'm sure nothing's gotten out of their yet." Radnus' eyebrow twitched. "Are you sure?" He asked, gesturing at the flaming plane inside of a bank. Shirt's eyes widened.

"Oh yeah, this is still Earth . . . haha, I keep forgetting this isn't Hell, because then this would be totally normal . . . well shit." The earth shook beneth them as the ground splintered. In a explosion of cement and dust a gigantic worm rocketed out of the earth. Covered in steel like scales and a mouth full of a rows of teeth.

". . ."

". . ."

"GODDAMMIT, HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO GO OVER THIS?! NO OPENING SPONTANEOUS PORTALS TO HELL, OR AT LEAST CLOSE THEM PROPERLY!"

"DON'T YOU GIVE ME SHIT FOR THIS, YOU TRY SHEDDING BLOOD ON A PORTAL LIKE THAT!"

"WHY DID YOU OPEN ONE THAT BIG IN THE FIRST PLACE?!"

"I DIDN'T! THE FUCKING THING BROKE IT!"

"SHOULDN'T WE BE SAVING THE WORLD INSTEAD OF ARGUING?!"

"I AGREE, LET'S KICK ASS!"

A tremor shook the earth and knocked the two of them to their feet, followed by a piercing screech in the air. Dirt and debris shot up, and Radnus protected from a flying car about to smother them both. He used it as a shield from everything else, then looked at his psychotic companion.

" . . . What?"

"I THOUGHT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS!"

"WE TALK ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS! IT DOESN'T MEAN I'LL LISTEN TO THEM!"

"I THINK OPENING A PORTAL TO HELL AND TRYING TO CLOSE IT WITH KETCHUP GOES WITHOUT SAYING!"

"YOU TRYING SHEDDING BLOOD TO COVER A HOLE THAT FUCKIN' BIG!"

"WHY DID YOU MAKE IT THAT BIG IN THE FIRST PLACE!?"

"I DIDN'T, THE FUCKING THING JUST BROKE IT!"

"WHAT THING?" Another loud screech rung through the air as a gigantic worm broke through the dust cloud, its metallic exoskeleton glowed in the fires surrounding it, rows of razor sharp teeth allowed it to swim through the peered around from the car and her eyes widened, staring at it. She poked Radnus and he looked at her.

"Rad, shit just got realer than real." She told him. "We're going to have to pull out the big guns."

"What big guns?"

"The thing!"

"What thing?"

"You know!"

"You mean the shit we pulled that almost got us put on the Most Wanted list?"

"JUST DO IT!"

Radnus sighed and became engulfed in a bright white light. Shirt grinned, grabbing the light as it formed into half of a giant black photo scissor. A five foot long slim blade simmered in the fire light as Shirt grabbed the sword she laughed evilly and took cover behind the car. Her friend's reflection appeared in the blade.

"Don't do anything too stupid. Just stick to your usual brand of psychoticism, alright?" Radnus said.

"Okay, I solemnly swear that I will completely ignore what you just said." Shirt said.

"Now that's more like it . . . WHAT?!"

"FINGERS CROSSED NERD!"

Ignoring Radnus' warnings and every bit of common sense of the universe, she ran out into the monster's line of vision, looking up at it as it saw her. It unleashed another roar and it came towards her. Radnus growled at himself. What the hell was I thinking?, he thought. I should've known that Shirt would do something completely dumb like this! She's not slowing down any time soon either.

"AIM FOR THE UNDERBELLY!"

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO NERD! I DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANNA! . . . and maybe I'll just go for that underbelly, but because I FUCKIN' WANNA!"

"You're a difficult little shit, aren't you?"

"ONE OF A KIND!" Shirt began to slide down on the ground, dodging the beast's giant mouth and driving the blade into the underbelly of it, screaming out a war cry as she did. "YOU CAN'T JUST FUCK UP THE CITY, I HAVE FOOD HERE!" Shirt yelled out.

"Goddammit Shirt, is that all you think about? Food? And violence?"

" . . . is there something else I should be concerned about?" Shirt said. She slid out on the other side, seeing the beast's blood dripping on the asphalt street. She rubbed her chin.

"God, what are you thinking about this time?" Radnus asked. He knew her thinking about something meant she was planning, and when she was planning it was involving him getting into some shit situation.

"Think about it fam. I can't close the portal with my blood, but with this little beastie, I think I could seal it up and have some left over." Radnus sat there for a moment, letting the idea settle inside his mind for a moment. For once, it was a non-psychotic, sensical plan. She was hiding something.

"Who are you and what have you done with Shirt?"

"Shut it nerd, Shirt's going through with it!" She yelled. She charged up to the beast, watching it come back at her. Its mouth was agape, yet she didn't stop or change her path.

"Shirt . . . it's getting kind of close . . ."

"Hold it . . ."

"THIS IS INSANE!"

"HOLD IT!"

"CAN YOU FUCKING NOT?!"

"ALMOST THERE!"

"SHIRT!"

She used the scissor to pivot herself inside of the monster, going into its until she jammed her weapon into the throat. She laughed evilly.

"YO RAD!"

"WHAT?!"

"WHAT HAPPENS IN A COMBUSTION REACTION?!"

"Carbon dioxide and water?"

"NO HOE! BOOM! CHEMISTRY BITCH!" Shirt pulled Radnus out of the beast's throat, then scraped the blade against the beast's teeth and made sparks against it. She pulled out a match from her pocket and lit it, letting the fire take over the monsters mouth. Shirt ran out of the beast's mouth, throwing Radnus ahead as he came out of his weapon form.

"RUN BITCH, RUUUUUUUUUUNNN!"

The two sprinted away from the scene just as the beast exploded into a million bloody bits. Another tremor shook the earth and the concrete began to crack beneath them. The two of them hid in an alleyway until the explosion ceased. Shirt looked out, then ran out.

"Where are you going now?!" Radnus yelled out. "The portal's not going to close itself, smartass!" Shirt yelled back. She charged over to the gap that the monster left, running over its dead form. She dipped both of her hands into the monster's blood, circling the hole. She traced its outline and closed her eyes

"Beloved fire, darkest eyes, never allow these monsters to rise. Now, again, and evermore, let this portal rot to its core!" She chanted. The portal shrank and began to close, the beast's body disappearing. Tired, Shirt walked back down to meet her friend, seeing him coming out of the alleyway. Both of them were covered in ash and soot, Shirt had a few cuts and bruises.

"Lunch?" Radnus asked.

"Lunch." Shirt agreed

CHAPTER ONE IS DONE BIATCH! YAAAAAASSSS!

CAN YOU NOT?!

Nah fam. Maybe next chapter.