Hades frowned at the coffee dregs in his cup. "Hey, somebody!" he called, leaning his head back against his throne (well, okay, armchair, but it had much better lumbar support than that throne of baby animal skulls he used to have). "I'm outta coffee here!"

"Coming, my Dark Master!" a squeaky voice said, and a spindly little man came scurrying forward with a coffee pot.

"Thank you, Clarence."

"You're welcome, sir. Oh, I have your—" Clarence pulled out a scroll, giving it a little shake—"itinerary."

Hades waved a lazy hand, sipping his coffee. Clarence immediately unfurled the scroll, and cleared his throat.

"Charon has filed another complaint regarding his uniform—"

"Tell him to suck it up. Next?"

"Cerberus has fleas—"

"Make an appointment for him, he needs a prescription. Next?"

"You've got another 'Recently Dead' coming in," Clarence said, frowning at the scroll. "A Mr. Killian Jones."

"Who?"

"Also goes by 'Captain Hook'."

"Oh…Really, Captain Hook?" Hades twisted around, raising his eyebrows. "He's rescheduled, what, four times now? Five?"

"He's been marked as an RD for quite some time now, sir," Clarence agreed, bobbing his head. "But he keeps running off."

"Unprofessional," Hades tsked, shaking his head. "So, when is he coming in?"

"Any time now, sir," Clarence replied, raising his eyes to the ceiling. As if on cue, a small hole in the ceiling whirred open, and a body dropped through it; Hades and Clarence followed with their eyes as the man fell through the air and landed on the dusty ground below.

"Thank you, Charon," Hades called up.

"This uniform is itchy! I'm not paying for it!" Charon shouted back before the ceiling closed again. Hades rolled his eyes dismissively, taking another sip of coffee.

"All right, up you get," he said, motioning for the man to stand up. "Captain Hook, I take it?"

"Killian Jones," he grunted, pushing himself to a stand. "I go by 'Killian Jones' now."

"Like I care."

Jones looked around at the dusty cavern, scowling at the curling flames and sparking embers. "Where the hell am I?" he growled.

Hades and Clarence frowned, exchanging a look. "We don't tolerate puns here," Hades said sternly, straightening in his armchair. "This may be Hell, but that's no excuse for bad comedy."

Jones stared at him in disbelief. "I'm in Hell?"

"Don't take it personally, everyone ends up here," Hades said, flicking a tray ember off his robes.

"I'm really dead?"

"Oh, very." Hades smiled coolly at Jones's horrorstruck face. "Tends to happen when you—help me out here, Clarence."

"'Stabbed with Excalibur by his short-term girlfriend, Emma Swan. Much blood and general ickiness accompanying death."

"Yes, tends to happen when you have all that happen to you."

Jones opened his mouth wordlessly, gaping at him. Hades took another sip of coffee, and dabbed his mouth with a napkin.

"I'm a survivor, though," Jones said numbly.

Hades swallowed, exhaling loudly. "Not anymore."

"But Emma and I are supposed to be together forever."

"Two months, forever—" Hades shrugged. "Same difference, really."

"And if I may say," Clarence piped up, "seeing as Emma is the one who stabbed you, don't you think that would put a kibosh on the relationship?"

"Good point, Clarence," Hades nodded.

"She only did that, so we could destroy the Darkness, once and for all!" Jones said fiercely. "I sacrificed myself, for her and her family!"

Clarence tittered. "Destroy the Darkness," he said, elbowing Hades. "So dramatic!"

"Diva," Hades sniggered, elbowing him back. They laughed, much to Jones's fury.

"I did!" he insisted.

"No, no, no, of course, you did," Hades said patronizingly. "You put a stop to your own evil plan, well done."

"A true hero," Clarence choked, emerging red-faced from his hands. A smile tugged at his mouth, and he bit down hard to keep from laughing. "Inspiring."

"We're going to build you a temple, you know," Hades said seriously.

"We can sell T-shirts."

"And action figures."

"Wallpaper."

"China patterns."

"Bobbleheads."

"Would you like that?" Hades asked, grinning at the darkening look on Jones's face. The pirate pointed fiercely at him.

"Emma will come to save me," he warned. "If you think she's going to simply accept this and move on, you've got another thing coming! We're True Love!"

"Gross."

"We are."

"Remind me, Clarence, do we give a flying fuck about True Love in the Underworld?"

Clarence pretended to check his scroll. "Mmmm….nope. No, we are fresh out of fucks to give, sir."

Hades snapped his fingers in mock regret. "Damn! Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Captain, but I guess you're going to have to reconcile yourself to living in Hell. It's not so bad, once you get used to it. Paying for air conditioning is a nightmare, but luckily, I'm also the god of riches, so it evens out."

"But Emma—"

"Killed you in the first place, which I find highly amusing," Hades interrupted smoothly. "Have a nice day, Captain."

He pulled the lever on the side of his armchair, and the floor opened up Jones's feet; he let out a yell, his voice echoing and fading as he dropped through to join the rest of the milling souls below. Hades laughed, closing the floor back up. "I love it when they scream like that."