dedication: to rhea—'coz she needs to write more fabulous ft bro!fics.

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strategery

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It was common knowledge that Natsu and liquor were a bad combination.

But what was even worse than an intoxicated Natsu, was a sober Natsu with an idea.

And so, when he, Gray, and Gajeel came tumbling into Lucy's bedroom through the now-shattered window that evening, shit was bound to hit the fan.

Natsu grinned at the sound of water running in the bathroom. "Good, Lucy's taking a shower. Let's do this quick."

"Do you throw a rock into her window every time you break in?" It was always Gray who asked the practical questions.

Natsu shrugged. "Nah, only when it's locked."

"So then, every time."

"Pretty much."

"This is boring." Gajeel snorted and headed towards Lucy's kitchen.

"Wait—stop, where are you going. WE HAVE A PLAN, MAN." Natsu, eyes wide, pointed stiffly at the neatly-made bed, pink covers lacking even the slightest of wrinkles.

"I don't care." Gajeel gave him a disparaging look. "I am famished, so if you don't mind, I am going to eat some silverware."

"No, dude—Gray, what are you doing." Natsu was on the verge of a mental breakdown (which did not happen very often, mind you).

The ice mage was currently studying the contents of Lucy's wardrobe, flipping through various shirts and skirts.

"Damn, Lucy has like fifteen of the same shirt." He mused and held a mini blue skirt to his hips. "How the fuck does she fit into these."

"Can you please pay attention to what's really at hand." Sometimes, Natsu felt like he was surrounded by complete imbeciles.

"Okay, why are we doing this again?"

Natsu paused. "You don't understand, Gray. This bed. I need it."

Gray gave him a look.

"Shhh, just lie down on it. You'll see exactly what I mean."

And so he did just that. Natsu stared at him. Gray stared back, body sinking blissfully into the soft comfort that was Lucy's bed.

Nothing was uttered for the next minute.

Then he asked, "Do you think it'll fit through the window?"

In that moment, Gajeel decided to join them, chewing obnoxiously on a what appeared to be a fork. "Don't you have your own bed to defile?"

Natsu half-screeched in frustration and ripped the utensil from his mouth. He proceeded to drop it on the floor, stomp on it, and then burned it until it was a sad pool of molten fork juice. Just for good measure.

Gajeel dropped to his knees and wailed, unable to even look at the mess his precious dinner had been reduced to.

Then he saw the fire.

And he froze, because HOLY SHIT LUCY'S CLOTHES WERE ON FIRE.

He couldn't even mourn his dead fork without Natsu ruining everything.

"HOLY FUCK—GRAY, QUICK, GRAB THE BED."

"I CAN'T."

"SHOVE IT OUT THE WINDOW OR SOMETHING."

"IT'S TOO FUCKING BIG, RETARD."

"JUST PUT OUT THE FUCKING FIRE OR WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE."

"YOU'RE SO STUPID NATSU WHY CAN'T YOU JUST EAT YOUR OWN FIRE."

"GRAY JUST SHUT UP AND ICE-MAKE A BUCKET OF WATER OR SOMETHING."

"ASDFGHJKL."

And when the fire was finally put out, the three sighed in relief. Until Natsu saw what became of Lucy's closet.

"Ohshitohshitohshit—her clothes, guys, HER CLOTHES."

All fifteen pairs of skirts and shirts were almost completely eradicated to ashes. What did survive the initial fire had been frozen in Gray's Ice Make: Shield.

And then, Natsu had another idea.

"Okay, maybe if we all get naked, she won't feel the need to put on some clothes."

Lucy strolled out of her bathroom just minutes later, and froze, a ghost of a smile plastered onto her face.

Her closet been reduced to ashes in an ice cube, the bed was on its side, pressed against the window, which she assumed was also destroyed, and three idiots in the process of stripping stood bickering before her.

Yeah, shit definitely hit the fan.

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