Author's Note on Anxiety : Anxiety (Both general and Social) and Depression is a legit mental disorder that affects people's ability to interact with others and in life. I wrote this story with my experiences specifically in mind to share in order to hopefully reach out to others that may feel the same way. I decided that Sam would be perfect because she is the type of person that symbolizes anxiety. Sam is usually an outgoing, and tough girl who feels like sharing her emotions would be too embarrassing. People with anxiety or depression feel as though they should mask their emotions. But writing my experiences into a story plot for Sam to actually live out has helped me talk about it in an anonymous way and hopefully find others who feel the same or have had similar experiences. Please know that it does get better, but you first must reach you're lowest point before you can build back up again. Those feelings aren't as permanent as they feel and feel free to leave a review/PM on suggestions or your own experiences because I would love to connect with others that share the same feelings. And thank you if you took the time to read this and know that you are appreciated and loved by someone very much! So please find that one person to share your feelings with!
Looking around the empty halls of her new school, except for a few students wandering on their way to the bathroom, Sam sees kids looking curiously out the door of their classrooms as Sam and her mom walk by on their way to the office her first day of school. Sam feels her clammy hand reach for her mother's, and though her mother was not the nurturing type, she gave it a squeeze and smiled mischievously at the small blonde. Sam was beginning second grade in a new school.
"Sammy, this is your first day of school. Don't screw it up." She warns.
"You already set the bar pretty low for us Puckett's, mom. No chance."
"Be good, Samantha." She sharply reminded her as she let go of Sam's hand, leaving her in the chairs, swinging her feet back and forth as she anxiously waited for the office lady to print her schedule.
"First day here, huh?" She looks at Sam and smiles.
"It would seem so, wouldn't it?" She replies smartly, shaking her head at the lame attempt at small talk.
"You're gonna have lots of new friends! Aren't you excited?"
"I'm excited to leave." Sam mumbles and the lady frowns.
She hands Sam her schedule, still warm from the printer, and smiles.
"I hope I can see you again sometime so I can ask you how it's going!" She says cheerily.
"Don't worry, i'll be back." Sam smirks as she leaves.
XXX
The Sunday afternoon before her first day of Junior year started, Sam had laid particularly unmotivated in her bed, replaying anxious thoughts in her head as she shut out the rest of the world for the moment.
"I can't do this! I can't explain something that I don't even really understand!"
Sam lies in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling with the feeling of hopelessness hovering over her. She notices her phone light up by her bedside, and can see that Carly has now texted her for the fifth time today.
"Do I really want to keep faking this? She's my best friend. No, she'll make too big of a deal out of this! She'll send me to therapy! I can't talk to another pusher."
Sam grabs her phone anyway and unlocks her screen.
"Sam? Why haven't you been answering? Are you okay, i've been really worried!" It reads.
Sam groans, feeling like talking couldn't do a thing. How could she? If she didn't even understand her feelings herself then how would she explain it to Carly. Surely, Carly was good at comforting her friend and would know what to say. But would it make Sam feel better? Sam felt the tears sting the back of her eyes in frustration, then she grumbled as she sat up and pulled on her shoes.
"Be over in a sec." She quickly replied.
Sam took a deep breath, holding it as she felt it circulate, then breathed out heavily. She shuffled to the bathroom, where she splashed cold water against her face and into her red eyes, and noted the bags around them from lack of sleep during the nights.
Minutes later Sam furiously pounded against the front door.
"Carly? Can you get that before she breaks the chain again? I can't afford to pay for that again!" Spencer calls from inside the bathroom.
Carly rolls her eyes in humor and opens the door. Sam, like a zombie, trudges into the front door and plops herself onto the couch, on the opposite end from Freddie.
"Oh my gosh Sam! You look awful! Where have you been?"
"I'm okay Carls! I've been at the meat festival all day!" She lies defensively, faking a small smile of annoyance.
"Aw Sam! You know I wanted to take you!" Carly jokes as she sits between the two and grabs the remote from off the table.
"Channel 32 alright?"
"Yes!" Freddie agrees.
"No!" Sam shoots Carly a look.
Carly clicks it anyway and she and Freddie fix their attention to the tv. Sam stares around, feeling that sad and sick feeling build up in her. She needs an excuse to leave, to pace around until she feels calm.
"I'm gonna go get a snack!" Sam chokes out as she stands up from the couch.
Sam hurriedly leaves the room and begins walking toward the kitchen when she briskly turns in the other direction, heading toward the bathroom instead. She quietly closes and locks the door and the hum of the fan from Spencer before drowns out her sudden and heavy sobs as she sits on her knees, dropping to the floor.
"What's the matter with me? Why do I suddenly feel so much loss of control?" She wondered to herself.
Sam scooted toward the toilet and lifted the seat, then gripped the lid as she hurled over the bowl. She tried and tried again to throw up, but could not successfully throw anything up out of her grumbling stomach. Nothing but butterflies. Her sadness had once again made her feel nausea, an overwhelming and confusing feeling.
"Uhn." Sam groaned as she scooted against the door.
Sam reached over to the counter and pulled a hand mirror off the counter. The first thing she noticed was that her face was pale and her eyes red, and the face of someone who was once her stared back. But Sam knew this girl she was seeing now wasn't her. And maybe it was the fact that she hadn't eaten because she was feeling anxious, but the small blonde noted that her face looked thinner.
"Sam? Are you in there?" Carly calls concerned from outside the door.
"Uh, just a minute! I'm uh, pooping." Sam mutters, cringing at her lie.
"Um.. okay! Didn't need to know that! Just making sure you're okay!"
"Yup! Everything's coming out alright!" She calls.
"Okay…" She hears Carly mutter awkwardly as her footsteps back away from the door and down the hall.
Sam sighs relieved and gets up from the floor, taking a deep breath as she tries to recollect herself.
"I can't go out like this! She'll know something's up!" Sam tells herself.
Sam flushes her face with cool water and wipes it on the towel hanging beside the sink. Then she unlocks the door, peering out into the hall. Carly was back in the living room where they were back to watching the tech channel, Freddie staring excitedly at the TV as Carly sat with her face in her hands, groaning at the every word of the narrator.
"Hey Sam! You're missing a great special on lighting!" Freddie motions her to the couch.
"Not now Fredward!" Sam moans as she plops next to Carly.
"Someone's extra feisty today!" Carly teases.
"Not today." Sam grumbles quietly, while she was really thinking 'She doesn't understand'.
Soon the show is over and Carly once again returns to the tv guide in search for a show they all agree on.
"How about Simon's prom date?" Carly suggests.
"What's that?" Freddie asks.
"Dude, it's self explanatory." Sam replies snarkily.
"Hey, shh… it's on!" Carly interrupts the two.
Sam watches intently, trying to get her mind off all of her racing thoughts, but soon dazes off, trying to distract herself from crying by looking away. Carly soon notices that Sam isn't watching and pokes her shoulder.
"Sam? Don't you like this movie?"
"Uh, i'm just not in the mood."
"You haven't been in the mood lately for anything. What's the matter with you?" She asks, unaware that something was actually seriously dragging Sam down.
"Uh, nothing. Just tired."
"C'mon Sam! You sleep like a bunny!" Carly laughs.
"I'm okay." Sam says bluntly through her teeth, still not looking at the concerned brunette.
"Sam, i'm here for you. You can tell me anything!"
"How can I tell you about something if I don't even understand!" Sam explodes, frustrated by her friends questions.
Sam immediately feels sorry for yelling and sinks her head between her legs, sobbing quietly.
"Sam," Carly puts a comforting hand on Sam's back, rubbing it in soothing circles around her.
"Carly, I feel sad for no reason, I don't want to eat and I feel helpless! I have episodes of crying I don't even understand."
"It's normal to feel sad sometimes! You don't always have to be the 'tough' girl." Carly assures her.
"Yeah, but not like this! I just can't explain! I suddenly just feel panicky, or sad! It'll start with me feeling dizzy, then as soon as I cry, it's like… I don't know, not me! It's just like… darkness."
"You should see someone!"
"Why would I want to talk to someone who is there just as an occupation?"
"They get this job because they want to help people."
Sam sits up and leans sideways, pushing her forehead into Carly's shoulder, then stands, sighing frustrated through her tears.
"I need to go." She sniffs, wiping her tears as she brushes off her feelings.
"Sam, wait!" Carly calls, but Sam only slams the door behind her.