A Zombie Tale
Once upon a time, in an old and abandoned city there lived a zombie named Royce. He was a real stud among his fellow undead—he was a devilish, half-eaten look and his skin was the perfect shade of dull gray. All the girl zombies, Witches and Spitters included, were in love with him, and all the boy zombies wanted to be his best friend.
But Royce had a terrible secret. It was one which he was too scared to share with anyone, even his closest friend Julia, a Witch.
His secret was that he was madly in love with a human. She was a survivor by the same of Zoey, who travelled through Royce's homeland. Royce knew that all his own zombie friends would laugh if he ever revealed his feelings for her. Humans were for eating. Anything else was completely unheard of.
So Royce watched, lovesick, as Zoey fought off his fellow undead with surprising skill and speed. She was always there for her teammates and even from him distance he could feel her kindness.
Finally, unable to hold it back any longer, he confessed his feelings for Zoey to his friend Julia the Witch.
Julia was completely dumbfounded when Royce told her, but she pushed aside her own feelings of disgust and decided to help him. With Julia's advice, Royce decided to mutate into a Boomer. Their vomit was the most irresistible substance ever, and Julia was positive there was no way Zoey could turn Royce down after being covered in the contents of his stomach. It was the best way to confess one's feelings in the zombie world: the sharing of your (or someone else's) insides.
And so the next day they put the plan into action. Royce nervously waited around the corner of a narrow hallway, ready to cover his Zoey with vomit as soon as she turned the corner. He was so nervous that his stomach began to make sick-sounding burps.
Finally he heard her, and unable to contain himself any longer he leapt out and puked on his beloved. He began to confess his feelings for her, but before he could even get a word out she began shooting at him and he quickly fled.
Discouraged, Royce and Julia began forming a new plan. A Hunter, she decided. They were known for their drop dead sexiness, and surely Royce's beautiful pounce would be enough to win Zoey's heart.
Without any more delay, Royce sat on top of a building, waiting for Zoey to appear. He had picked the perfect spot, he was sure. The sun was just fading, its last rays illuminating the blood-soaked ground so it glowed and sparkled.
Finally, the four survivors arrived. Zoey's three friends went ahead, and Zoey lagged behind to grab some more ammo.
Without hesitation, Royce leapt from the building with a love shriek, hitting Zoey with the most beautiful, perfect pounce ever achieved. He began to smother her with his love, his growls of affection pouring out in a rush. But before he could get through even two lines of the poem he had written her, Royce was roughly shoved off of his love.
Still lying on the ground, Zoey began to shoot at him. Hurt and overcome with rejection, Royce leapt from the alleyway before she could see his tears.
Again, he consulted Julia. This time Royce came up with the plan, and seemed certain that a Smoker was the way to go. Any girl in her right mind would love to be wrapped in the tongue of a loved one.
Julia quickly agreed, but suggest that she talk to Zoey first, for a little heart to heart girl talk. She suggested that Royce use his tongue to pull Zoey over to her, since the living tended to think that witches were dangerous and tried to avoid them. After that, Julia would convince Zoey to give Royce a chance, and Royce could wrap her up and drag her back to his sewer.
They set things up the nest day. Julia sat near the center of a parking lot, with Royce standing nearby. They talked with each other as they waited. Julia's voice came out in the sobs common among Witches, while Royce's voice was rough and scratchy like any other Smoker.
Zoey soon approached, scouting ahead of her teammates. Royce snared her with his tongue as soon as she was close enough. He quickly saw the change in Julia as she stood up and began to wail threateningly. She started to scream at Zoey, accusing her of stealing the heart of the zombie she had loved since their spawning, and corrupting his thoughts when she had been there all along.
In a burst of rage at Julia's betrayal and jealousy, Royce instantly mutated into a terrifying, towering Tank. Growling with anger, he smashed Julia with his fist in time to save Zoey's life. The Witch's body smashed into the side of a truck, setting off its alarm. Ignoring it, Royce turned to Zoey and stretched out a hand to touch her.
She drew back instantly, and without hesitation threw a Molotov cocktail at him. He instantly burst into flame and he knew it was the end for him. It was obvious that she would never love him back. He was just another zombie, after all.
He'd save her life, at least, he thought. And so he turned on his fellow zombies alerted by the car alarm and went out fighting.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Getting the girl is tough when you're a zombie.