Dark Link eats a Cranberry
An angsty parody by Enema-Chick
Once upon a merry time, Dark Link ate a cranberry. It was a rather tasty cranberry, thought he, as he chewed, and wondered where it came from. Then he remembered- he'd stolen it and a chili dog from an innocent kokiri child in Castle Town Market. The child shortly died after, for the Kokiri are not allowed to leave the forest. (Or else the Deku Tree will pwn you all!!!!!)
But once he swallowed it, he knew… it was over. He needed another one! He began to run to try to get a new cranberry, but was stopped by Kaepora Gaebora the owl.
"You are being most unwise," the owl said. "Why must you go to find a cranberry at such a time?"
"These matters should not be of your concern, owl," said Dark Link. He ran off, but was stopped again by Mido.
"You cannot have a cranberry unless I get one, too!" he cried. "Then I can give it to Saria, and she will- oof!" he cried, as Dark Link shoved him to the side and ran on.
"Stop there!" somebody cried, and Dark Link saw a Hyrule Castle Guard in his way. Dark Link merely pushed him to the side, and continued to run towards the cranberry patch.
But there was one person left guarding it, and this person he didn't dare go near.
"I LOVE YOU, LINK!!!" Ruto cried, and Dark Link ran off in the opposite direction.
"KARMA!!!" he screamed, and ran into the sunset, Ruto the fish following closely behind.
Dark Link decided to visit the Lon Lon Ranch so he could get some yummy cranberries. Ingo was yet again muttering to himself, except this time, it was about enemas. What a strange man. Perhaps a constipated fellow as well. Dark Link spotted Malon. A ring of dancing cuccos surrounded Malon. She was dancing herself, and it looked like some form of spiritual ritual. She was singing some tune, as always, and even the cuccos were clucking. Dark Link tried to ignore all this and sneak over to the cranberry bog. (Yes they own a cranberry bog. You know that place in that spot over yonder.) Dark Link spotted a rather fat man sleeping away the day. He was Talon, Malon's father. Malon saw Dark Link and sent her dancing little birds to attack Dark Link. Let's face it- Malon is a singing fruit loop. So, Dark Link had to give up on stealing Cranberries from LonLon Ranch- it was on to Hyrule Castle.
Upon entry to the palace, Dark Link found himself cornered by none other than Link, his counterpart.
"What are you doing here, you %&#Q(#&?!"
Link had actually just called Dark Link a butternut squash, but we felt it our responsibility to block it out when used in dialougue.
"I've come for the cranberry!" he cried aloud. "I need it! Just as you need a fairy, and Malon needs some common sense!!"
"You have come to steal a cranberry from Princess Zelda?!"
"I have, and I will!!"
"Over my dead body!!" cried Link.
"Okay, fool," said Dark Link, and with that, Dark link pulled from his pockets a frozen leg of lamb and hit Link over the head. (Don't worry, the Hero of Time is always resurrected within 70 seconds of game over).
"Now, for the cranberry," said Dark Link. He began to walk, but was stopped once again by Link.
"What?!" he cried. "But- but—didn't I just—"
"I never die!" he cried. "I'm always resurrected within 70 seconds of game over!!"
"…."
Dark Link had just had an epiphany- after all this time, after his whole adventure, he'd learned that he didn't want a cranberry after all—he wanted a prune. For if he didn't have one, he'd need to get an enema.
And he had bad experience with that…
But that's another story…
THE END MAYBE……………………..