Trying to Find a Balance
By vivalarapture
"In the days of Kings and Queens I was a jester.
Treat me like a God, or they treat me like a leper.
You see me move back and forth between both,
I'm trying to find a balance."
-Trying to Find a Balance, Atmosphere
Unlike what most people assume, Black*Star is self aware. He realizes the way he acts irritates the people around him, he just doesn't care. He realizes he's an enigma, teetering on the edge of the hero and villain. He hates that he has to be "explained" to others. His close friends simply shrug in the face of whatever person is questioning their friendship.
"He's just Black*Star."
That's his least favorite sentence. He never wants to be, "Just Black*Star" and it grates on his patience. He hates it most when he hears Tsubaki say those words.
"He's Just Black*Star."
He doesn't want to be "Just Black*Star" to her, especially her, and he trains harder. Someday he'll be, "Black*Star." Instead of "Just Black*Star." and that makes his blood boil as he desecrates the training grounds with his fury and determination.
"I am the man who will surpass God!"
The more he says it, the less it sounds like a declaration, and the more it becomes a mantra. He repeats these eight words over and over and over. He clings to this ideal more desperately than he'd ever admit.
Every day for years, he wakes up and stares at himself in the mirror, trying to hide the hungry, hollow glint in his eyes. His destiny is his own, and he refuses to believe he has a path to choose, or a path that will choose him. For a long time, he denies his heritage. He sees the death and destruction left behind from his family, but adamantly ignores the fact that he shares blood with the Star Clan.
He doesn't want to believe that White*Star is a part of him. He was a monster that killed mercilessly, with no sense of honor or a code of ethics. Black*Star is not like that, he thinks. Black*Star is a big man who would never do that kind of evil.
So his mantra shifts, and changes to include, "I am the man who will surpass God and I will never be like my father."
As time goes on, he has to chant his promise more and more often in his head. He relies on Tsubaki more than he had ever thought he would, and the soft feeling of her hands become an antidote to his ever growing madness.
Sometimes he feels like it's too much, but he quickly dismisses that thought and shoves away any ideas of weakness. He can feel it growing inside him, that much he can't deny. There is insanity flowing through his veins, and there are times when he doesn't think it will ever go away.
Then there are times, mostly when Tsubaki is gently kissing his neck, when he feels more empowered to fight his heritage. The ebbing of madness in his soul feels good, almost as good as Tsubaki underneath him.
He starts to seek out her wavelength when his eyesight blurs and he can nearly feel the star burning through his iris. Tsubaki has learned to never ignore the prodding wavelength of her meister. She will wrap her arms around him and kiss every inch of skin she can find.
She will make sure not to mention the shaking of his hands as he grips her closer. She will never talk about how his eyes flash dangerously when he licks his lips and looks at her. She knows he's fighting the insanity inside him, and she knows how scared she should be.
But Tsubaki will never be afraid of Black*Star.
She quiets the fear inside of him that he will never admit he feels. He revels in the soft, accepting nature of his weapon, and he worships her like the Goddess she is. His hands ignite a fire in her soul, and her hands quell the burn that is slowly eating away at his heart.
When he fights Mifune for the last time, he knows he cannot rely on Tsubaki. Mifune reaches out, extracts his deepest fear and throws it in his face.
"You're on the path of the demon."
For the first time in his life, Black*Star lets his fear surround him. He throws caution to the wind and experiences the path of the demon. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows it's wrong for this to feel so good. To finally let go and embrace his heritage, of pain and power and not to have the fear of spilling blood.
"I am the man who will surpass God and I will never be like my father."
For the first time, this manta feels wrong on the tip of his tongue, and the madness runs rampant.
"I will do whatever it takes to surpass God."
Tsubaki's wavelength trembles, and for the first time since realizing he loved his Dark Arm weapon, he doesn't care.
He fights with a fervor that would make lesser men quake with terror. Everything is a blur as his corneas burn and warp into the insignia that has haunted him since birth. Then, Tsubaki's hands are wrapping around his soul, and his senses come back.
Her soul is gently nudging his own, quietly begging him to come back. Black*Star hesitates, but Tsubaki presses forward, enveloping him in her soft embrace. She is the light that guides him. She is galaxy of stars that brighten his shadowed heart.
She is the light to his dark, and he will always listen when Tsubaki calls.
He is adamant about his next move. The path he follows does not matter, because he is Black*Star. He will do what he feels is right, trying to find a balance between warrior and demon.
After Black*Star defeated Mifune, he tried to tell himself that things were changed. Right and wrong were somehow clarified, and he no longer thirsted for power. He knew this was not true.
The madness still clung to him like a stench he couldn't wash out. The teetering balancing act that was his insanity still tested him every day. There was nothing drastic that pushed that scale, but he still had to work at it.
Maka once asked him if he was okay. He laughed it off, roughly patting her on the back and declaring, "Of course I'm okay! I'm Black*Star!"
She shook her head and laughed, relief washing over her face, "That's true, I don't know why I was worried."
For he was still, "Just Black*Star" and Just Black*Star didn't feel pain.
He hides his conflict between a facade of massive ego and apathetic mannerisms. He still cares, he still feels, and despite what everyone might think, he still worries. He thinks Tsubaki worries enough for the both of them, though. Her embraces become more desperate at night, like she feels him slipping from her grasp. Her kisses are feverish, and he thinks that she's scared.
Tsubaki will never admit her apprehension, the epitome of support and confidence in her meister. No matter how often he has to bite his tongue so hard he nearly floods his mouth with blood to stop from letting madness seep from him, Tsubaki will never admit she is scared.
For the millionth time since he met her, he thinks he doesn't deserve such an amazing weapon and lover. He tried to express how much he loves her, but for Black*Star, that emotion doesn't come easy. He can talk the talk, but many days he hates the fact that he can't walk the walk.
He's battled Asura on the moon, lost limbs, taken shots to his face, fought insanity and blood lust for nearly his entire life; But he shivers in the face of his beautiful Tsubaki.
He goes to Kid at one point, years after peace has swept across Death City. He doesn't know why, but he tries to explain his struggle to the Death God. Something about the irony of their friendship compels him to spill his guts. For the first time, and most likely the last, he simply talks. He doesn't shout, he doesn't demand attention and he doesn't pretend.
The years of concentration in battle and in his soul have changed Black*Star, and he no longer feels the need to constantly be the center of attention.
He's been beaten down by his own blood for far too long, and he feels that no one should feel so tired at 24 years old.
Kid listens, albeit confused at first, as Black*Star relieves years of pent up fears upon him.
He is scared. White*Star plagues his dreams, and he doesn't know how much longer he can keep this up. He tries. He works so hard to shove it down, but sometimes it takes him over. The madness wins some days, and Tsubaki is the only one who is able to bring him back. He is worn out. He doesn't want Tsubaki to have to live her life with someone constantly on the brink of insanity.
He doesn't want to walk the path of the demon.
In the years Kid has known Black*Star, he thinks he's gotten to know him pretty well. He knows Black*Star is physically the strongest meister to ever graduate from Shibusen. He knows when times are tough, you can always count on Black*Star. He knows Black*Star was conflicted with the thirst for power just as he was. Kid always thought of Black*Star as the one friend who had the most in common with him, as odd as that might sound.
They had clashed, but always ended up on the same side. Black*Star wanted to surpass God. Kid was God.
Kid knew that one day, Black*Star would try and kill him. It wasn't really something of shock value anymore to Kid. He knew the day would come when Black*Star wanted to make good on his promise to defeat him. He just hoped that day was a long time off, because he did not want to take the life of one of his dearest friends so early.
When Black*Star finished, he took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling, and Kid was sure he was going to change back into the same goofy, exuberant child he first met almost 10 years ago. When Black*Star cleared his throat and looked at him with what looked like, but couldn't be, misty eyes, Kid knew those days were long over.
"What should I do?" Black*Star managed to croak out, his hands clenching into fists by his side.
Kid was awestruck. From his knowledge, Black*Star had never asked for advice, let alone about himself.
To be honest, Kid had no idea what he was supposed to say. He felt like after all these years of being a Death God should have prepared him for anything. This he was not prepared for.
What do you say to someone who fights madness everyday?
Soul had this problem, but he had Maka. Her anti-demon wavelength had subdued the black blood inside of him, and he was living a relatively normal life for a weapon.
The blood inside Black*Star was not artificial, it was not placed there by a witch. The blood inside Black*Star that was making him crazy was his own. It was in his genes to crave money and power.
Kid sighed, knowing he had taken long enough to answer,
"You are not your father, Black*Star. You will never be like your father."
If Black*Star would have been anyone but himself, he would have wept from the feeling of relief that crashed upon him. He had no idea how transcending it would feel to hear that from another mouth. He had been telling himself that for years, but his words had blurred together after so long, and it had lost its meaning.
Hearing Kid dispel his fears had given him a sense of acceptance and calm he had not felt for over a decade.
Black*Star grinned, an expression Kid was much more comfortable with, and slapped Kid on the back, inconspicuously wiping his eyes,
"Thanks, man! I really needed to hear that."
Kid nodded as he watched his friend leave the Death room, not bothering to answer. This was Black*Star, after all. No one would ever fully understand that man.
It didn't take more than three days for Black*Star to present Tsubaki with a gaudy and magnificent diamond ring. With the secret fear of coveting money, Black*Star had saved nearly every penny of his earnings, only spending the bare minimum on necessities for living. He had taken an ungodly amount of money out and purchased the biggest stone he could find. His Goddess deserved the best.
He didn't get down on one knee, but Tsubaki never expected him to. He grabbed her hands and kissed forehead,
"You know me, Tsu. You know some of my days are worse than others. There's probably not going to be a time when I'm not fighting this fucking madness. But I know that it's worse when you're not around, and I'm worse when you're not around. You're my Goddess and I need you by my side. What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
Tsubaki smiled, the same soft expression that graced her face in even the most terrifying of situations, and slipped her fingers through his.
"I would ask what took you so long."
Authors note- Well, this was supposed to end a lot darker than it did. I'm kind of glad I didn't finish this the way I first envisioned it, though. I've always loved Black*Star and never thought he got enough credit.