So I wrote this after watching A Feast of Friends. And wow, my bi detector was off the charts! And AO3 lacks some Constantine TV fic so why not? I wrote some meta on it too, you can look at it on my blog under my "esme makes a text post" tag or my personal fave tag "call me the bisexual zed because I FEEL IT" I started writing this after FOF but then creativity got the best of me and I quite literally made it as perfect as possible.
Shoutout to [all the pears] my beta reader Kat (consultingstarkofmischief) who helped polish up the fic and add some details to it!
Anyways, I was going to make it about 1k words, but then creativity got the best of me, and well, you know the rest. I really hope I got the characters down. I tried really hard, trust me on this. I had to headcanon some stuff for Zed because the show hasn't expanded much on her yet and I'm waiting patiently for them to do so. Anyways, I obviously don't own Constantine, enjoy!
John stayed next to Gary for three days.
During those three days, Zed also stayed at the mill and read books on telepathy. Seeing that John wasn't going to help her train for a little bit, she decided to take the initiative to do some more learning on her own.
The results were rather dusty but nonetheless still informative. It helped that the mill had a variety of books on the occult and not natural. To her surprise, some were in Spanish and made it easier for her to read.
From spells to encyclopedias of European creatures, the mill housed had it all. It was much more bigger than it looked like, having extensive halls and tunnels that even John admitted he hadn't explored before. it had it all. Books about monsters from different cultures, various weapons cluttered around the tables, bottles of all sizes in the glass case and on the table, filled with various potions.
But of course, since John was typically in a rush, the library was in a bit of a mess and it irked her to no end.
Zed felt her inward childhood habits kick in and started tidying up the place as best as she could. Dusting the shelves, organizing the books, doing some dishes. Words from her tia were being repeated in her head, about how being a guest somewhere you should always offer to help clean up in casa agena, of the host's home.
"They're lending you hospitality and their company. The least you can do is help them clean."
The mill was after all, technically John's home. And from what she knew, Chas was a mother hen. Chas hadn't been there, so she sticked around, ate what she found in the fridge, sometimes went to make some grocery trips.
Anything to distract her from the screaming.
If only her tia, full of wisdom and years, one of the few good things from her past, if only she knew where her niece, her "preciosa Maria" would end up in.
In a mill house filled with hundreds of books and trinkets of dark magic, and more importantly, with a guilt ridden morally grey "master of the dark arts" chain smoker who was holding the hand of his friend who writhed and sobbed in agony of having a deadly hunger demon consume him from inside.
God, it hurt just to think about it.
John had been at Gary's side for the past three days. He didn't leave him, and if he did, it would be for a few brief minutes to get something to eat or drink. She didn't see him during those brief breaks, but she could hear him rummaging through the fridge. Sometimes, he would stick around but he would end up running back the moment Gary started screaming.
He always returned to Gary.
On the third day, she decided go on and explore the place, and found the bedrooms upstairs.
The wood in the hall creaked every time she took a step, but she could bear with it. Finding a rather decent room that didn't look too shabby when it came to quality, she claimed it for herself, knowing she was going to use it in the future. She resorted to sleeping on the couch for the past two days because on the first, she didn't get any sleep at all.
The bedroom had some sheets and blankets in the closet. For the following hours, it was laundry chores for Zed. Cleaning up, settling in, making it hers. She knew she was going to use it for the near future.
Across from her room, one door was ajar open. Zed took a glance in it, and once she spotted the familiar trenchcoat on the desk chair, she knew right away that it was John's.
They said that your bedroom reflected on your personality. And surely enough, so did John's. Surely enough, there was an overflowing ashtray filled with stubbed cigarettes on the bedside table. Next to it sat a dusty lamp. The windows were dirty, curtains draped back to let in the sun, showing the hundreds ot tiny dust particles in the air. Next to the unused plug in fan was a basket filled with old laundry, showing that he at least had somewhat of a sense to keep things clean. His bed was unmade, expected that he had been at Gary's side for three days, but noticing the bunched up blankets near the wall and thrown aside pillows, Zed could tell that John didn't make his bed at all. An old desk covered with papers, ancient books stacked against the wall.
But what gave her a good laugh was the fact that the closet was open to reveal a row of neatly ironed and clean white shirts. And of course, the neatly organized ties on a hanger. Of course.
John's unused room was right across from hers. The door next to John's was Chas. It could have only been Chas, seeing how neat it was compared to John's. Folded clothing, neatly stacked books, windows clean and lack of dust.
She made sure to text and call Chas to update him on John and Gary. Chas said he was wrapping up on some things, probably the cab, but even Zed knew that he wouldn't take that long on that. He always checked on John, though.
It was on the fourth day when she woke up in her new room and started getting ready for the day that she felt something off about the atmosphere. It was also on the fourth day when she went down the stairs to hear the silence in the library, silence in the hallway.
It was on the fourth day when Gary stopped screaming.
The moment Gary stopped screaming were the heart stopping four seconds when John feared that his friend had died.
Somehow, in the midst of the yelling, he had nodded off. He supposed it was to have been already being used to the noise and not hearing any threw him off guard. But once the screaming stopped, he jolted awake, shaking and scared. Silence only meant something to him in the current situation.
Expecting the worse, he turned to Gary, only to see him asleep and breathing softly on the bed next to him.
He still held his hand.
John would be relieved, but the sleeping and silence said more than anything could. The increasingly growing cold hand and body told John all he needed to know without words.
The demon was weakening and it was only of time until it took Gary with it.
On the first day, he couldn't bear the sight to see Gary in pain. He would try to look at anything but Gary.
"Hello John."
John didn't have to open his eyes to know that it was Manny. He recognized his tone, knew his presence. Not that it was necessary. The angel was the only holy presence in the room and like Zed's noticing Heaven's pennies, John's expanded vision could sense Manny's presence.
Not only that, but the clock ticking on the wall stopped. Manny always had a habit of stopping time.
He rubbed his face slightly before he rested his arm over his head.
"Manny," he greeted, internally wincing at the sound of his own voice. It sounded raw, sore, done. It was probably disuse, of being barely awake, but John knew it was for other reasons. Reasons meaning crying his bloody eyes out the previous night when the reality of Gary dying was settling in. The fact that Gary was dying because of him made it worse.
Not that anyone had to know, but he had a feeling Manny already did.
The angel had been keeping John company for the four days. He didn't ponder, didn't ask questions. Or even attempted small talk. All he did was stay silent and look over John and Gary.
Oddly enough, John didn't feel bothered by Manny's company. Quite the opposite: he felt a strange sense of comfort.
He could laugh at the irony if he had the strength to do so. The holy looking over the damned. Out of all the things he never thought that would happen, that was one of them.
It was so strange to think about it. An angel watching over two dark magic dabblers, whom were also two former lovers, one damned to Hell and the other who had a demon killing him from inside.
Out of his crew, only Chas knew about the relationship John and Gary had. It lasted for a few brief months, when their crew was up and running on the better days. Although John never said it out loud, Gary was the only significant that he really loved. Deeply.
He supposed it had begun with jealousy, with wanting what Gary had. Money, a car, power. John used to be more bitter towards him, out of petty envy and denial. He was attracted to him and he didn't want to be. But as Gary grew close to him, John began to see his passion, his enthusiasm for the occult. John also started to see his adoration, the way he laughed too loudly at crude jokes.
He adored John, would do anything for him. And he wasn't that bad of a drummer either. The more reckless shit they did, the more laughs he got from Gary, the more he started to love him.
The others had decided to go out for a night of drinking after a successful case. John and Gary opted out, deciding to stay. Bed looked comfortable, that feeling in his stomach that always got around Gary was there, one confession led to another, soft kisses turned into more frantic, more rushed ones.
It was no happy flawless relationship. Gary was a drug addict, John was someone that many dark entities hated. There were fights, so many. But they would all end in angry fucking and too rough kissing. There would be marks the next day, that was for sure.
It was madness, it was chaotic, it was reckless. It was many things
But god did John love it.
The relationship had lasted three months, which had been the longest relationship John had ever had. They remained friends but didn't see each other until Newcastle.
After that, everything went to shit.
John moved on. He left the past in the past, focusing on the upcoming threat and trying his best to figure out how to stop it. Rather than planning for the future, he just went as he went.
Now, Gary laid in the other bed, dying. All John could do was watch.
John was tempted to ask Manny to relieve Gary of the pain, to ease his suffering. But he had to wait it out until the demon was gone. Having Gary die while the demon still inside him would only cause more trouble. The demon would escape and search out another vessel.
"John, he doesn't have much time," Manny said.
"I know."
Manny started to say something before he looked to the door and said, "You have company," before he disappeared, leaving John alone with Gary.
"He stopped screaming."
Zed stood at the doorway. She considered walking away for the moment, seeing that this was the first quiet moment John probably had to sleep, but this was also
John blinked wearily and looked over to Gary. Not letting go, he used his free hand to gently comb Gary's sweat drenched hair from his face and softly smoothed it out.
Zed just watched, bewildered.
Gary was breathing softly for the first time that day. He screamed and screamed
"It comes and goes. I'll give him about fifteen minutes," John said, his voice raw. He rubbed his eyes one handedly, exhaustion apparent in his features. He could use a good nights sleep but like peace, a good nights sleep was a luxury and he couldn't afford luxuries.
He stifled a yawn and leaned his head against the wall.
Zed was good at reading people. Even without the contact, she could tell that John was at his worst. She could tell that the redness and puffiness around his eyes weren't only from lack of sleep.
She could also see the tight grip John still had on Gary's hand.
"Do you want to try and take a nap?" she asked. "I can watch over him for a little bit."
"Not necessary," John said. "Don't worry about it," he dismissed the topic with a wave of his hand. He was trying to act flippant, like none of this bothered him.
"That was a horrible thing you did," Zed said.
John didn't even flinch. "Don't have to tell me twice. I gave the bastard a choice. He said yes."
"You betrayed him. He loved you."
"I know!" John snapped, exasperated. "Damn it, Zed, I know. Do you take me for some heartless arsehole?" he stopped, glancing at Gary, a brief sense of relief passing as he saw him still asleep. "Don't take me for a bloody idiot," he said, his tone quieter. "I know."
"What is your past with him?" Zed asked, pausing then saying, "Please, John. I want to help."
"No."
"John," Zed said again, holding his shoulder. "Let me help you."
"You can help by leaving."
"Can I…"
John tensed then shook his head. "I don't think you'll like what you see," he said. "No, I know you won't like what you see."
"John, please. I have been reading, working, researching. Training myself."
"Book work doesn't cover the mind of the damned, luv."
"John, please."
John stayed silent then he let out a long sigh. Too resigned to protest, "Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."
"I can control my emotions."
"Control is a pesky thing that even I don't have," John said. "But fine. Your mistake."
Taking a deep breath, Zed focused intently, letting go of all other outside distractions and breathing deeply. She touched John's forehead. A series of images passed by.
The memories were brief, mostly composed of blink and miss it moments. John laughing with Gary, smoking a cigarette with him, showing him a new spell. Passing a joint around with a few more guys, laughing too loudly. Spells, music, instruments.
Then they were more frantic, more stronger. John grabbing Gary and kissing him desperately, Gary kissing him back with the same intensity. Grabbing at each other's coats, one being shoved against the wall, on the bed. Different places, different ways, but always the same strong bond. Admiration, fascination, lust.
John tried to suppress the memory of Newcastle, but like Gary, Zed was starting to detach from John's memories until it came to an abrupt finish to a more recent moment. John kissing Gary on the forehead with such tenderness. But it was the feeling in the memory that impacted her the most, that tugged at her own emotions.
Heartbreak.
Yanked back into the present, Zed gasped, falling back and hitting her hips hard onto the table. Panting, she clutched her hand like it had been burned.
John seemed unfazed, rubbing at his eyes.
Panting, she wiped some sweat from her face. And to her surprise, tears. She felt John's pain hard enough that she started crying.
"Oh...Oh my god."
"Now you know."
John threw Gary under the bus in the worst way possible, no denying that. He sacrificed a friend.
A former lover.
"You loved him."
Things made sense now. Zed knew that Gary loved John. But now it all made sense. She could tell from John's tone, the way he spoke of him. It was of the bitter ex with no closure. It was of the bitter ex not being over their lover.
And she felt pretty sure that he was projecting with his unnecessary "touching" jokes because the John she knew wouldn't do that.
"Yep."
"Oh my god."
"Thought I'd be over it by now, but the minute I saw him in the mill, it started comin' back like a bloody parasite. That's the nasty thing about lovin' someone that you thought was long gone out of your life," John let out a bitter scoff. "Bollocks. You think you're good without them, but it comes back, like a bloody parasite. It's the worst."
"So...are you gay?" Zed asked, hoping that it wasn't the wrong question.
John didn't look offended. Instead, he shook his head and said, "Bisexual, luv."
"Oh."
"It was no secret with the guys, they didn't have an issue with it. Hell, we were learning dark magic, last thing on their minds was being a queerphobic bastard. Never got in the way," John said.
"I'm….I'm sorry. I didn't…"
John waved her away. "Don't worry about it, luv. Better you knowing now than me chugging down a bottle and saying things I might regret later."
Zed began to tense up as Gary began thrashing on the bed.
"I know the screaming bothers you. There should be a set of headphones in my coat," John said. "Good quality, they block outside noises."
"Does the screaming bother you?" Zed asked.
John shrugged. "I'm already used to it."
The screaming started back up and Zed squeezed John's hand once before she left, heart and feelings much more heavier than before.
Fuck.
He let Zed inside his head. Fuck.
"I didn't know he was your lover."
The holy wanker had appeared again. Manny leaned on the wall and crossed his arms, but his look wasn't accusatory or reproachful. A little bit of surprise even.
John straightened up. "Is that a problem?" he asked. He's dealt with bigoted bastards before, a bigoted angel would be no difference.
"No. It was just something that I didn't know." Manny sounded sincere about it enough.
"I thought you angels did background checks on people, get a good review one who you were dealing with. Looking into their lives, deepest darkest secrets and all."
"Oh, we do. I just like to respect privacy," Manny said.
"Bloody private if you ask me," John muttered, not exactly meaning it. It wasn't that he minded of what people thought about him about what he liked. He didn't really care, none of their bloody business. If they didn't like it, too bad. Nothing they could do. Wasn't like John was gonna shag them any time soon.
But his relationships had been something he kept private, kept buried down deep and there he was, letting Zed know about it. No, he even showed it to her.
So much for privacy. He was growing soft. Goddamn it.
Sighing at his own stupidity, he ran his thumb down Gary's hand. He noticed the difference right away from his own warm, sweaty hand to Gary's increasing chill in his. He glanced at the dark dots on Gary's arm, from heroin needles.
Goddamn it, Gaz. Goddamn it.
Newcastle fucked all of them up. He didn't blame any of the members of his crew that ran off. None of them were at fault for what happened. Some resorted to drugs, to alcohol, to dropping every form of communication they had with John just to cope, to block out the screaming.
Yet John didn't blame any of them.
He'd give anything to have Gary back, the old unaddicted bloke that laughed too loudly at his jokes and had bright eyes when it came to the occult. He'd give anything to be with him during the better days, when they were all the reckless, occult fanatics and taking road trips across Europe and always making sure to save the day and get a cold pint.
Of course, these weren't the sort of thing that John normally said of his closest friends. Like many things, John kept quiet about and to himself. No need for others to know his business.
"I didn't think you would actually go through with it," Manny said. "Your feelings were off the charts."
"I get it, okay?" John asked. "Bloody christ, I get it."
But there was hesitation, so much hesitation. He had feelings for Gary before, strong ones too. But now, rather than seeing him as the enthusiastic, give-no-fucks drummer with the car, Gary was nothing but a spineless, drug addicted coward who fucked up big time.
Yet John couldn't blame him. He just couldn't.
And seeing Gary come back after Newcastle, after all those months, it started to bring back all the feelings he thought were gone along with Gary.
Manny sensed it too. It was strong enough for him to appear and ask John if he was
actually going to do it. And John'll be damned (even more than he was at the moment anyways) if he saw concern from the angel. That's why he had stopped him in the museum before breaking in to steal the knife. He doubted that John would pull through.
But then again, John wasn't blaming Manny, because even then, he was doubting himself.
"John, his time is running out. The demon is growing weaker."
John knew that. He blinked back tears that were threatening to spill. Not now, not when Manny was watching. Not now.
"John," Manny said softly. "You did what you had to do."
John shook his head. "It's nothing that I'm proud of," he said, throat tight. Far from it. So far from it. His guilt and regret were up to the neck now.
"You haven't talked during this while unless something is going to happen. Just lay it on me. How much longer does he have?"
"He has less than half an hour," Manny said.
Fuck.
"It was supposed to be about two or so left but the demon is weakening rapidly. It's almost done consuming itself."
"Fuck," John cursed as he ran a hand through his hair. He wasn't ready. He had accepted it, but dammit, he wasn't ready.
"I'll leave you two alone."
Manny disappeared. Time reverted back to its normal pace and Gary's screams turned into choked gasps. Like his body, his hand was becoming colder and colder. John held them as tight as he could.
"Stick it out for a little bit, Gaz," John said. "Just for a little bit, I know you can."
It felt like a long time, but John knew that it was only a few minutes as the demon fully consumed itself. The gasps were turning quieter and quieter, as his hands were getting colder and colder. His eyes, once bright with mischief and enthusiasm, were going to a dull shadow of that they used to be.
Finally, the room was completely silent except for the soft chokes that John recognized as his own. Gary's grip on his hand went completely slack.
It was over.
"Rest in peace, old friend," John closed Gary's eyes and finally, after four long days of agony, he let go of his hand.
Zed used the headphones as John had recommended but it was no use because shortly after the screaming started up again, it started fading some more. And it continued and continued until it was completely silent again.
Oh god.
John leaned on the doorway and asked, "Can you find some old sheets?"
Oh no.
"What fo-" Zed began, but realized the use. "Oh." To wrap Gary's body in.
"Yeah," John said, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Do you need a moment?" Zed asked softly. John looked completely worn out.
"No. I just..." John rubbed the back of his neck. He closed his eyes and took a few moments to recollect himself. Sighing, he said "I'll have to look for the shovel. Yeah, should probably be out in the back."
Without a word, he left to go down the hall.
Right away, Zed pulled out her phone and texted chas.
"Gary's gone. John's upset. Come home. - Z"
For a brief second, Zed considered to take away the come home part, but instead hit send. Within a minute, she got a reply.
"On my way. Give me an hour."
Satisfied, Zed rummaged around the mill house for some sheets and found them, going out the back.
Moments later, she had gone outside to find out if John needed the sheets now or later. But she stopped in her steps. Not too far from her, John was sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree. He was sleepless, dirty, with a grave half dug, crying into his arm, trying to muffle the noise. The shovel laid on the ground, long forgotten.
"Goddammit. God damn it all," he choked out.
So, this was the John Constantine with the walls down. No longer hidden behind sarcasm or jokes. Zed considered coming in and intervening, asking him to go inside and take a rest. But instead, she just stood and watched as John wiped away his tears and continued digging the grave with forced vigor. It went on for a while as he dug and dug, deeper and deeper.
Damn. He was pushing himself.
Zed made herself leave and go back inside. She might as well get the deed of wrapping Gary's body with the sheets done. To save John of doing it because she already knew that it was going to be difficult for him.
She went back inside into the mill house and down the eerily silent hall. Old sheets in her arms, she wrapped Gary's body in them quickly but making sure to not make it sloppy. He was covered up now, but the presence of death pegged at her senses. Seeing his arm hanging off the bed side with the dark dotted needle marks reminded her of how John had been here at his side for four days.
Coming out of the hall and into the library, she ran into John. He was nodding off, trying to keep himself awake. He was heading the same way Zed was coming out of.
Oh no.
"John, are you ready to bury Gary?" Zed asked.
"Zed, please just leave," John said, his throat too tight to argue any further. "Just go."
"John."
"Dammit Zed, just go."
Zed didn't budge. "No. Don't shove it all down," Zed said gently. "Don't hurt yourself like this. Now answer me honestly; John, are you ready to bury him?"
"No," John said, shaking his head. His shoulders slumped, "I'm not ready."
"Then don't push yourself. Grieve."
"I manipulated him. I shouldn't….I…." John stopped himself.
"John," Zed said, her tone softening. She touched his face gently. "Grieve. This was hard for you to do and you're in so much pain."
"I wasn't the one with the demon inside me, luv."
"Emotional pain."
"Take a rest, take a shower, give yourself a break. It's okay."
John sighed. He lifted his hand and touched Zed's before giving it a small squeeze, a mirrior of what she had done with him earlier.
"Does Chas know?" he asked.
"Yeah," Zed nodded. "He should be home in an hour."
"Alright. I'll just…."
"Shower. It'll make you feel better, trust me."
So John did.
Zed was right on the shower making him feel better. It washed away the grime and dirt, eased his body some from all the tension he had been feeling. But it didn't take away the overwhelming guilt, the regret.
He got out of the shower and got dressed in his old pajamas, seeing that he was going to probably just spend the rest of the night inside.
Just as he had started to get a cigarette out of his coat pocket and light up, he heard a knock.
Dropping the lighter and cigarette on the bed, he said, "It's open."
Chas stepped into the room. A moment of silence lingered between them before he sighed and raised his arms.
"Come here you bastard."
Pride was long forgotten as John strode across the room and wrapped his arms tightly around Chas. It was quiet, no loud sobs like he had been trying to muffle while grave digging, but just long quiet cries. John grabbed onto Chas like he was his anchor, and perhaps he was. They've been through so much shit that it would only make sense. Chas said nothing, just running his free hand into John's hair.
"I fucked up, Chas, I fucked up. I conned Gaz, I tricked him. And now, he's dead and I just..."
"I know," Chas said.
"Fuck…." John said, his hands twisting the back of Chas's shirt. "Fuck."
"Shhhh."
He got tears onto Chas's shirt, probably wrinkled it too. He wasn't sure what hurt the most. The fact that Gary became a hopeless drug addict and his life lost enough purpose to allow John to use him as a demon vessel or the fact that John took advantage and betrayed him. John has conned many people, no lie in that, but he didn't know just how low he had stooped until now.
But it had to be done. There was no other way. If it weren't for Gary, there would still be a hunger demon running around Atlanta causing more countless deaths. He did what he had to do.
The only one who stayed by his side was Chas. After Newcastle, when John dropped off the face of the earth, Chas forgave him for not talking to him for a few weeks, helped out in every way he could. He even flew to London to visit him. Managed to keep the mill house up and running, picked him at the airport and gave him the longest, warmest hug John had received in years.
Yes, John loved Chas like a brother. A life partner, someone he could see in the futire still kicking ass along with him and having a couple of beers. His oldest friend and closest friend.
He wasn't sure how long he stayed in Chas's arms, how many times he felt him run a hand through his hair, but it had been long enough for him to relax some. The warm shower had helped in getting some of the soreness out of his body but not enough to rid of his exhaustion. Letting out a tired sigh, he dropped his arms from Chas and leaned his forehead on his shoulder.
"You good?"
"I think so," John said before he stepped away and rubbed at his eyes. He was craving a smoke. It had been a long four days and they were some really emotional wrecking ones too.
And there was still Gary to bury.
Almost like Chas had read his mind, he said "You can bury Gary tomorrow. For now, just get some sleep, okay?"
Sleep did sound like a good idea. "I'll try."
"If you need me, I'm next door. Zed moved in. She's across from you."
That made John's lips quirk a little. So she moved in. Opposite of what he expected.
"Good to know."
Burying his friends wasn't something new to John, but it didn't mean he liked it. He hated it. He got used to lovers, friends, family leaving, or at least keeping a distance. It was for their own safety because he had shitty luck. Chas, he was a miracle. Zed was one too. It was a shock that she didn't leave after what happened.
Life played Russian roulette with John. But instead of bullets, it would be death. Who would live? Who would die? He couldn't say for sure because it could be anyone. As humanity, they were all poor sods that didn't know what was beyond of their comfort zone. For many, there were no such thing as demons, as ghosts, as monsters.
But John saw it all.
It was the way life was, it was the way life is.
The rising darkness was coming. There was no more playbook, no more rules to play by. Monsters were getting out of Hell and fucking shit up, wreaking havoc.
Sacrifices would have to be made, and with that sinking feeling still in John's stomach, Gary was just one out of many.
I'm still not over Episode 4 GODDAMMIT. I'm pretty sure NBC forgot to tell Matt Ryan that this Constantine is supposed to be straight. *laughs into salad* I have a lot of fic planned/in progress for this show, they're all good ones, trust me. But I'm pretty proud of this one, turned out better than I had expected. And of course, Perfectionist!Esme is canon so I went all out on this one.
Thank you for reading! Comments are appreciated! :*