Hello, this is my first Clary/Jace fic AND my first songfic, so I'm really new at this stuff. But I wont't let you down.
SPOILER FOR CITY OF BONES, though I don't know why you'd be reading this if you hadn't already read COB.
Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare owns all. LeAnn Rimes owns lyrics.
-Katy
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Got a date a week from Friday with the Preacher's son,
Everybody says he's crazy,
I'll have to see.
Clary was sitting on her bed, her chin resting on her knee as she heard a car pull into the drive. Clary felt her foolish heart stupidly speed up. She knew it wasn't him. She hadn't heard from Jace in more than three months. Since they had found out the awful truth. That he was her brother. That the man she loved was her brother. Clary heard a knock on the door. Clary already knew it was Simon; they were supposed to have a date tonight. She was supposed to be moving on, but instead she still felt like she had when she had first learned the horrible truth. She still felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest.
I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came,
I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves.
I'm probably going on and on,
It seems im doing more of that these days.
Clary had moved out of the Institute and back into Luke's house four days after she had discovered the truth. She had been too disgusted with herself to look at Jace every day. Not that she had seen him in the four days she had been at the Institute after they had realized the awful truth. Clary had tried to talk to him, she had needed it, but Jace had smoothly avoided her and Clary had left a few days later. But now, Clary hadn't seen or spoken to him in over three months. Clary's heart splintered into smaller fragments each time she thought of him. Now, she was sure all she had left of a heart was dust. Clary dug her face into her knee as her eyes began to well and sting with unwelcome tears.
I probably wouldn't be this way,
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad.
I never pictured every minute without you in it,
Oh you left so fast.
As the tears fell down her face, staining her jeans, Clary wished she had never met Jace. If she hadn't, she wouldn't know what it was like to be around him, to kiss him, to love him. To have her heart so full and to feel happy. She wouldn't have to miss him.
Sometimes I see you standing there,
Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch.
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to
have had the chance to love this much.
No, she knew that wasn't true. She knew that if she had to choose between one moment with Jace or eternity without him, she would choose Jace Wayland every time. When Clary had finally mustered the strength to leave the house, she had been constantly haunted by images of Jace. She would think she saw him in a crowd or through the window of a shop, but when she had finally chased the person down, it was never him. Muffled by her sobs, Clary heard the doorbell ring once again, but she couldn't resurface from her misery. She was drowning.
God gave me a moments' grace,
Cause if I'd never seen your face,
I probably wouldn't be this way.
Even though she knew she was happy to have had him, no matter how short the time, she still wondered if she hasn't seen him, would she be whole? Or would she still feel as if something was missing? As if from a distance, the doorbell's chimes met Clarys ears once again. Clary dug her nails into her legs, raking them across the jeans as she muffled her cries. The pain was excruciating. She felt as though her heart had been thrown about the room and crushed.
Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you.
Susan says that I should just move on.
You ought to see the way these people look at me
When they see me round here talking to this stone.
Everybody thinks I've lot my mind
But I just take it day by day
Clary saw the way everyone looked at her. At first, they had tried to give her time, but as the weeks had dragged on and the pain and Clary's tears hadn't relented, Clary had become a recluse. She hadn't wanted to do anything. She hadn't wanted to be with anyone. Everything reminded her of him. Simon, Luke and her mother had tried to get her to join them in activities, they had told her she was being overdramatic and she needed to get over Jace. Clary had merely stared at them uncomprehendingly, flinching at his name. His name brought an extra stab of pain to her heart.
I probably wouldn't be this way
I probably wouldn't hurt so bad
I never pictured every minute
Without you in it,
Oh you left so fast.
After what felt like hours of clenching her fists in pain, Clary stood and got off the bed. Tears still sliding down her face, she walked over to the white dresser in her room. Clary opened the top drawer and removed the only item in it: the dagger Jace had given her. Its hilt was inlaid with red jewels, the end razor sharp. Clary sat in the bed and gazed at the only piece of proof she had that Jace was even real, instead of a painful figment of her imagination. She had never taken a picture of him; she had always thought his beauty couldn't be captured on film, so why bother? Clary stared at the precious dagger, it was her most prized possession, and the tears continued to fall, landing on the dagger. Once more, Clary heard the indistinct knock, but ignored it. In the back of her mind, she knew she was forgetting something, but all she could think about, all she could remember, was the pain she was experiencing. It was her reality.
Sometimes I feel you standing there,
Sometimes I feel an angel's touch
Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky
to have had the chance to love this much.
Clary was constantly haunted by the feeling that he was there, her angel, watching her, that he had returned, come looking for her. But that wasn't the case, it was never the case. Clary knew he would never come back, not with the knowledge they both had. Neither of them would return to the other. Neither of them would be held in the others arms. Neither would ever return home.
God gave me a moments' grace,
Cause if I'd never seen your face,
I probably wouldn't be this way.
Clary heard a last, insistent knock trying to push through the fog in her mind, but she ignored it. Clary stared down at the dagger in her hands, its sharp tip biting into her skin. She watched as blood pooled around the shiny edge of the blade. Clary couldn't feel the pain; she was numb. She would never feel anything again.
I probably wouldn't be this way.
Got a date a week from Friday with the Preacher's son.
Everybody says I'm crazy.
Guess I'll have to see.
Clary heard the car door slam, angrily and tires on the gravel as Simon's car pulled away. Clary was surprised when she suddenly felt the sting of the knife biting into her wrist. She dropped the dagger, watching as it fell. He's never coming back, Clary thought, as the dagger fell and the red jewels shattered into fragments. Her last thought, as she stared at the red shards, was she wasn't entirely sure which man the last thought had been about.
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So, yea. REVIEW, please. And the next chapter should be in Jace's perspective, which is always fantastic.
-Katy