Title: Breathe Again

Author: Angel Leviathan

Spoilers: Anything, everything.

Season: 5

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1, characters, concept, etc, aren't mine.

Rating: PG

Notes: None

She let her fall shut, blinking away the tears she believed she had managed to hold back. She leant back and exhaled slowly, shivering a little in the cold, as she let her mind drift, not able to conjure up any comforting thoughts to help her.

Regrets. Only regrets haunted her. The times she'd told Daniel she was too busy to talk, times she'd snapped at people so she could escape faster, incidents where she'd proved herself to be a heartless soldier. She'd treated them so badly at times. Spending evenings alone when they'd asked her to join them, just so she wouldn't get hurt. Throwing herself into her work so she'd have no time to spend with them. Hiding away in her lab, turning the lights off when she heard footsteps approaching, trying to trick them into thinking she'd already left.

Sam opened her eyes for a brief moment and instantly shut them tight again, unable to take the sight before her. If she kept her eyes closed, at least she could concentrate on dulling the pain at the same time. She reached to swipe the tears from her eyes, the smell of iron flooding her senses immediately, forcing her to strongly suppress the urge to retch.

Daniel she loved on a level that was so deep she wasn't even aware of it. If she had ever believed in soul mates with no regard for romantic adoration, she would have thought he was hers. He was the only person she trusted enough to be herself around. They could sit in perfect silence for hours on end with no need for words and still be perfectly content. She depended on him more than she would have cared to admit, if it wasn't for him she was sure she might well have broken down years ago. He was the one who first noticed the changes in her. He was the one who she first started pushing away. He knew her too well.

Teal'c was different. She loved him too, without question, but unlike with Daniel, she could run charging into battle beside him and know he would never reproach her for what had to be done. She trusted him to protect her when she couldn't defend herself, yet also trusted him not to push her when she had to rely on others. She saw the warrior of her soul in him and he was the only one who ever saw just how savage she could be, without provocation. Though she was sure he held back, sometimes let her win so she wouldn't feel so pathetic. He was the one of the three she could so easily have feared. Dominate her physically and crush her like a tin can effortlessly. Maybe she loved him because she knew he never would.

Then there was the Colonel. Sir. Sam opened her eyes again, and, had she the energy, would have considered sobbing with complete abandon. He was the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, yet wanted to run away from so desperate it destroyed her little by little, every hour spent with him. He was the one it hurt to love. She started hiding from him before she started pushing the others away. Faking smiles, snapping chirpy replies to orders, trying desperately not to joke with him because she could see her laughing and smiling with him for the rest of her life. He didn't have to understand the words she said, because he always understood what she meant, no matter how confused he might look. He understood the pain she endured, because she saw it reflected right back at her. He was the one she hated for making her love him. Because despite attempts to hide away and put up defences, he always saw straight through her. The only one she thought it would be worth giving everything up for.

He was the one who lay on the floor of the darkened cave before her.

He was the one who had died several hours ago.

She was the one who was bleeding slowly to death, the effort to drag air into her lungs becoming too much.

She was the one who still hadn't told him how she felt, even though they both knew very well that they weren't going to live.

Sam took in another breath as her radio crackled to life. "-am. Sam, answer, come on. It's Daniel. You have to hang on, we've nearly got through the rubble. Sam? Sam?"

The radio across the cave spat out a similar message, unaware it was calling to a dead man.

She concentrated, and with great effort managed to put enough pressure on the radio tab to activate communications. "…I'm…I'm sorry…" she whispered as her head lolled to one side and her hand fell limp to the floor as she exhaled softly for the last time.

'I'm sorry…'

Because she truly was.

For more things than she could remember.

"Sam? Sam, hang on, we've almost reached you. Sam…?"

Fin