Title: Labor Pains
Author: Shun'u
Series: Inuyasha
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG – for language and undignified inebriation.
Spoilers: None
Warning: *psst* Beware of rampant OOCness. Otherwise, enjoy!
Disclaimer: Inuyasha and all its characters are the creation and property of, not to mention © to Rumiko Takahashi and all subsequent parties. I humbly borrow them for my bizarre fanfiction at no offense to their creator. Labor Pains is a product of my own demented mind and therefore © to Shun'u Hanashiro 2001.
August 8, 2001
L A B O R • P A I N S
An Inuyasha Fanfiction
By Shun'u Hanashiro
Part I
There are few sights less awe inspiring than that of three grown men drinking themselves into a drunken stupor.
Hmm…
Well…
Except for when it's three grown, powerful, under-normal-circumstances sober and perfectly capable men who are falling into such a pitifully sad state.
It had started the afternoon before, when one man's wife had begun to feel twinges of sharp pain in her belly. In the natural order of things, her water broke soon thereafter, followed by steadily increasing labor contractions that were shorter in distance apart and longer in duration. Yes, it is very natural for a woman to have contractions after carrying a fetus for nine months. What did you think? That the babe would stay in its mother's womb for eternity?
Now, you would expect that any man would be nervous upon the wondrous occasion of his child's entrance into the world, but… nothing quite to the degree of what was happening at the Higurashi Shrine. It didn't help matters that the lucky child's soon-to-be uncle and godfather decided to join him. There is a saying that fools rush in where angels fear to tread. In the wise words of a certain world famous basketball-player and Hanes-man, "let's just leave it at that."
"Throw me that bottle."
"No." He wasn't nearly drunk enough if he could recognize his brother's icy voice. What had Kagome been thinking to let Sesshoumaru know about the well?
"I'm not taking it away from you, idiot, I'm joining you. Do you think I want to be sober for this either?"
"Oh." Inuyasha blinked his violet eyes in slow dawning comprehension.
He thanked the heavens that, in the end, he had used the Shikon Jewel to be human rather than demon. It was much easier to get drunk as a human. The alcohol was slowly but surely giving him a nice buzzing sensation in his ears after consuming three large bottles in rapid succession. He reached into the case that his grandfather-in-law had thoughtfully donated to the cause after giving him a slap on the shoulder and a resounding "good luck". All of this had happened before he abandoned Inuyasha under the poorly constructed pretense of having to performing an exorcism out of town.
Inuyasha snorted in remembrance of the priest's actions. Exorcism? Who was the old geezer fooling? He just didn't want to be around when the screaming started. Oh, and did Kagome have a pair of lungs. Inuyasha slumped further into his corner of the living room and sniffled at the injustice of having his wife scream at him for asking if she was all right. Inuyasha drank more enthusiastically.
Sesshoumaru saw the abject misery in Inuyasha's face and decided that his brother was in no way coherent enough to hand him a bottle. So he reached over Inuyasha to pick up two of the unopened frosted glass bottles. One he kept, while the other he tossed to the monk who was just coming in the door. Sesshoumaru sat across from Inuyasha, on the floor, with legs crossed and shoulders propped against the couch.
"Catch."
"A little late to be warning me, but thanks," Miroku said dryly.
He joined the brothers in their little party, opened the bottle with a smooth practiced twist, and immediately imbibed. Inuyasha watched Miroku with newfound admiration and respect. The monk didn't even blink – or breathe for that matter – as he downed the whole 20 ounces of cold sake in one gulp. It was even more amazing that he was able to walk and drink simultaneously.
"What do you have to worry about anyhow?" Sesshoumaru asked. He was much more dignified than the other two as he drank, but no less swift as was indicated by the fact that he already had two empty bottles by his side. "It isn't like the baby's going to be a constant presence in your life."
"Fuck you, Sesshoumaru," Miroku said amiably. He plopped onto the sofa to spread out and get comfortable. One lazy hand reached into the case that sat in the middle of all of them. "I'll have you know that I'm going to take my role as godfather very seriously. Every step that little boy makes, I'm gonna be there to see and guide him through."
Sesshoumaru stared at Miroku. He thought about the kind of things that Miroku would be guiding his innocent nephew into doing. He thought about the possibility of gaining another priest into his family. His voice grew incrementally in volume when at last he spoke.
"I would pity my nephew if I didn't already know that you are doing NO SUCH THING."
Inuyasha – who had been following this exchange in an absentminded fashion – shook his head in total agreement. He vaguely thought that the gesture for agreement should have been a nod, but his head couldn't seem to move that way at the moment.
"Uh, uh." He pointed a finger at one of Miroku's images that floated in front of him and hoped that it was the real Miroku. "You aren't going to corrupt my- wait a sec. Since when did you two know that it was going to be a boy?"
Amber and coffee-brown eyes turned to him. Sesshoumaru snorted and looked away first to resume his drinking. He had a lot more work to do than the other two in order to get effectively soused – there were very few drawbacks to being a full-blooded demon, but this was turning out to be one of them.
Miroku said calmly, "Since you were too busy fighting with Shippou three months ago to hear Kagome tell her mother that it would be a boy. She said that the doctor did some test on her and the baby to find out."
"Argh!" Inuyasha tore at his long black hair. "What the fuck!? Is nothing sacred with these modern day people?"
"What are you so mad about, Inuyasha? I'd be ecstatic to know ahead of time. At least this way you know that you won't have to deal with boys fifteen years from now going after your daughter's virtue."
Hmm…
All of them paused in their drinking to contemplate that bit of wisdom.
They all came to the conclusion that it was a good thing none of the women were around to hear what they were discussing. It was a fairly sound bet to say that they would have been clobbered into near unconsciousness for thinking like men. Considering that they _were_ men, the injustice of it all was not lost on any of them.
"It makes an odd kind of sense that _you_ would be an expert in that department, Miroku."
The monk glared at Sesshoumaru. "I'll have you know that I was under duress because of my curse."
Both Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha muttered a little "humph" of disbelief. Then they stared at each other. Then they turned their backs on each other. Miroku sweat-dropped when Inuyasha directed the full force of his gleaming violet gaze on him.
"If it weren't for the fact that Kagome made me promise not to hurt you," Inuyasha growled at his long time friend, "you wouldn't be here today."
"Big words, Inuyasha. Do you think you can follow up with them any better than you could remove the prayer beads that _still_ hang about your neck?"
"Yeah," Inuyasha drawled. "I'd say a lot better than you could ever get Tetsusaiga from me."
Miroku's pleasantly drowsing mind came to full alertness and his eyes snapped wide open at the provocative words. His unfortunately sober brain took a quick tally. Littered across the living room floor were the remains of the case of sake. Miroku counted. He had been distracted by the conversation and had downed a measly three…
Inuyasha… maybe six…
The case was empty…
Which meant that the other fifteen…
Miroku groaned when Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha lunged to their wobbly feet and got into imbalanced versions of their usual battle stances.
"Uh, guys," Miroku tried to get their attention over wolfish snarls. And how the hell was Inuyasha still able to do that with his voice as a human? It was a damned cool trick. "Maybe you should rethink this."
Neither brother acted as though they heard him. In fact, Inuyasha took a step in Sesshoumaru's direction and swung his claw-less fist in a wide arc. Of course, being more than halfway inebriated, he missed his goal by many inches and wound up stumbling right by Sesshoumaru with the momentum of his punch and crashing none-too-gently into the entertainment center.
"Inuyasha watch what you're doing, Kagome's upstairs and she needs you to be in one piece. Not itty-bitty ones…" Miroku rubbed at his temples when he began to talk in the child language that Rin sometimes reverted to when she was trying to wheedle her way out of trouble. Then he noticed Sesshoumaru beginning to drip poison from his claws onto the polished wood flooring. "Damn it! If the two of you don't sober up NOW I'm going to get Mrs. Higurashi."
Oh, but how quickly did they see the error of their ways.
No one ever talked back to Kagome's mother. Not that she was a mean-spirited or intimidating woman. Oh no, quite the opposite. It was more of the fact that she was just _so_ sweet and kind; traits that she shared in abundance with her children if one were to exempt the last day of Kagome's understandable behavior. Unless, of course, one was to harm one of said children or, heaven forbid, wreck her immaculately tended home.
Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru had already learned that lesson the hard way in the early days when they had still been fighting over insignificant things like swords and legacies. Under Mrs. Higurashi's gentle persuasion, and Kagome's not-so-gentle reminders that she still had her priestess powers, the inherently violent brothers learned to settle their 'disputes', as they were now called, elsewhere.
Miroku grumbled and fell back into his cushioned seat. He was exhausted. Hours of tense anticipation, little food because none of them could stomach much more than a few bites while hearing Kagome's agonizing screams, and now the heaviness of alcohol settling into his system made for a very long twelve hours. He just wanted the night to be over. Was that too much to ask?
"Whose brilliant idea was it to have Kagome give birth here instead of in a hospital?" Sesshoumaru asked of one in particular. He was a little ashamed of having used a mind-altering substance to escape reality. It was a weak thing to do. So now he wanted to share his misery a little. You know, like spreading joy. Making the world go round, et cetera, et cetera.
Inuyasha returned to his spot and laid out in his usual manner: on his side with head propped on one hand and same-side leg stretched out while the other was bent to form a triangle between the two. He aimed for a nonchalant attitude. The poor thing didn't know that his face was just too expressive to hide anything from the other two males in the room.
Miroku stared at him. "Wasn't it _you_ who suggested that, Inuyasha?"
"Figures," Sesshoumaru said. It was too bad about the alcohol going to waste. His body had already metabolized the stuff. "Only you would think of something so nonsensical."
"Non- what the hell kind of word is that?" Inuyasha demanded.
"A word that I am sure is beyond your meager abilities to understand, Inuyasha."
"Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
Miroku was beyond mad. His face was red from the effort of not screaming down the rafters and scaring the women above stairs who were helping Kagome through her difficult time. And here were two stubborn idiots driving him insane with their abnormally strong sibling-rivalry.
"I don't want to hear another word out of either of you that sounds even remotely like an insult or challenge, or so help me god I'm going to use the Air Rip on the both of you."
Sesshoumaru turned his nose up, but other than that he seemed agreeable. Inuyasha grumbled something under his breath.
"What was that dog-boy?"
"Nothing."
"Good, then we understand each other."
They sat in blessed silence.
You must know that this wouldn't last for long, right? No, of course not. That would be too much to ask of our lovable dog-demon and equally lovable former half-dog-demon-half-human. However, to give them credit, it wasn't either of them who started up the next chain of conversation.
Nope. It was darling little Rin. You remember her, right? She was – and still is – the innocent, kind-hearted human girl with a jaw cracking grin and gap toothed smile who was able to make even the cold-hearted Sesshoumaru relent in his code of killing all weaklings upon sight. Well, to put all the blame on Rin would be a little harsh. The truth of the matter is that Rin had two accomplices by the names of Souta and Shippou.
[End part 1]
Author's notes:
Insert evil laughter I know that they're all out of character to various degrees. This came from a moment of silliness.