SPLINTERS
By Kayryn Shadow
Disclaimers: the allnotsomighty Paramount owns Janeway, Chakotay, Seven and even the room where this story takes place in. Other than that it's all mine.
Author's note: I really loved this episode. The one thing that I didn't like of course. was C/7. So naturally I had to correct the damage TPTB caused. ?
Rated PG13 for mild language.
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Kathryn Janeway was sitting in her quaters looking out at the familiar stars through her tears. Dammit, it was supposed to feel good to be back. But tears she was crying weren't tears of joy. Her tears were born out of pain and grief. When did this happen? How could I not see it before? How could I be so blind?
Kathryn thought back to what the Admiral, her future self, had told her. Kathryn had been refusing to go along with the plan the Admiral had in mind and so the older woman had given tried to catch her interest with news that still had her shaking. Seven and Chakotay would marry. Each other. God. when had they began their relationship? And dammit why hadn't he told her? They were supposed to be friends.
Now that she'd seen them together on the bridge and later in the messhall, it was obvious to her. She should have seen the signs herself. Maybe she had, but had refused to pay attention, not wanting to believe something that felt so ludicrous. But that wasn't even the worst of it.
A few hours ago she'd passed astrometrics on her way from the shuttle bay to the bridge when she heard Chakotay's voice from the other side of the doors. She hadn't meant to eaves drop, but the words had caught her attention. If you think I'm going to let you end this because of what might happen...Then you need to get to know me a little better. The thought of Chakotay telling Seven practically the same thing he'd once told her made her sick.
Her musings were interrupted by the chime. "Computer identify the person outside these quaters," Kathryn instructed as she wiped her eyes dry of tears.
/Commander Chakotay/
Oh, but of course! I want some company and he's made other plans. I need privacy and he's at my door. "Come"
The first officer of Voyager hesitantly stepped through the doorway but didn't seem too eager to stay. "Hello, Captain. Here's Harry's report of the internal sensors."
"You can leave it at the table." And then as an after thought she added. "Thank you."
"Captain, is everything alright?" The sound of his voice was devoid of the concern it used to carry.
I waited. Why didn't you! Why couldn't you wait another month! Kathryn felt anger build up inside her. She turned to face him, her eyes full of fire.
"How long have you been seeing Seven?" Her voice was steady, not giving her away like her eyes did.
Chakotay froze, disbelief written all over his face. "How. how did you know?"
Kathryn snorted. "Does it really matter?" When he didn't say anything she continued. "Why didn't you tell me. I thought we were friends." She looked at him, waiting for him to say something.
"We are. I just.. I wanted to see how things would go before we went public. Besides I didn't think you'd care."
The way he spat out the last words hurt her. But in seconds the hurt changed into anger. And anger makes people say things before they have time to think.
"Don't you talk to me about caring." Kathryn yelled. "Do you honestly think I didn't care when you had your thing with Riley. Or when I read about you and the mystery woman. Kelly. Kellin.. whatever! And that my heart didn't break when I thought you'd had a child. When I saw that baby on the screen and it reminded me of what I hadn't had yet, and what that woman had. Of all the women with Seska? Do you really think that every one of those times my heart didn't break?!! You know Chakotay, sometimes I really wonder why I keep on loving you!"
Kathryn clamped a hand on her mouth realizing just what she'd said.
Chakotay stared at her, his anger growing at the mention of his past affairs. Her words of loving him went unnoticed. "What gives *you* the right to talk about my affairs? How would you feel if I brought up Kashyk? You openly flirted with him. Everyone on this ship saw that. I heard people whispering whether or not you slept with him! Now guess how that made me feel? And that Michael from the holodeck? You think your 'friendship' with him didn't hurt me? Then there's Jaffen. You knew him for two days and moved in with him! I know you weren't in control of your own mind, but it still doesn't take the hurt away."
Kathryn clenched her hands into tight fists, fighting the tears that were brimming in her eyes. Why couldn't he see it, was he that blind with his own feelings that he never bothered to see hers? "Fuck you, Chakotay! I can't believe you're so blind to the world around you!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!"
"The night before we used the slipstream drive to get back to Earth I *created* an opportunity for you to express your feelings! We were all thinking we'd get back to Earth within the next few days and I was hoping you still had some feelings for me! I was too scared to ask you, to say those words aloud so I created an opportunity for you to reach out to me if you still wanted me. But you didn't!"
Kathryn walked to the viewport, hugging herself and gazed at the stars through her tears.
Chakotay found it hard to believe what he was hearing. "Kathryn."
"And even before that. When I heard that Mark had gotten married at first I felt terrible. But then I saw that it was a chance! That when I would tell you, you might take that chance. To at least show me that you were still interested! All that talk about a safety net.. dammit Chakotay, are you really that stupid that you didn't see it? Why the hell didn't you act when I gave you the chance practically on a silver plate! You have no idea how hard it was on both times to carry on the conversation like nothing in my life hadn't changed! To keep on smiling and joking when I felt like dying!"
"You could have said something!"
"I was waiting for you to step out and say that you wanted it! Hoping that you would take the chance! That you'd fight me like I heard you fight Seven just a few hours ago!"
"You heard?" Chakotay was stunned. All the things he'd said to Seven.
Kathryn looked away, no longer able to stop the tears from falling. "Yes, I did. And yes, I may have hurt you at times, for which I am sorry, but you'll never know the pain I felt then."
Chakotay stood silently, unsure what to say or do.
Her back still turned to him she continued. "Don't you see? All I ever wanted. needed. was for you to come to me and say you wanted me to be yours! To take me. To tell me you loved me and that you wanted us to be together. But I guess gentlemen prefer blondes after all. I'm sorry I can't meet your expectations."
"Kathryn."
"Just spare me! You can go back to your blondes Chakotay!" If there ever was a clear dismissal this was it.
But Chakotay refused to leave now. Instead he moved closer to her, his anger igniting again. "Wait a minute! How was I supposed to know? I didn't dare take the risk because I know how important Starfleet protocols are to you! I'm not a telepath, Kathryn! And don't you --!" He forced her to turn around and at once fell silent. Her eyes were red and puffy and tears were streaming down her cheeks.
He felt guilt ridden for causing her more pain. Placing his hands on her shoulders he continued softly. "I'm sorry I raised my voice. But Kathryn. How was I to know? If I'd known that's all it would've taken... I would've said those words to you two weeks into our journey."
Kathryn looked at him in disbelief. The tone in his voice. was she reading him wrong? Could they still have a chance?
"What a mess we've made. Kathryn, all I tried was to be what you needed me to be. The first officer, friend and supporter. I wish I'd known." Chakotay said. He saw a few more tears make their way. Feeling slightly hesitant but willing to take the risk he drew her closer and wrapped her in his arms.
Kathryn saw his intentions in his eyes before his body had taken any action and went willingly to his arms, sighing gratefully. It felt so good, warm and safe. It felt like home. She buried her face in his chest, relishing in the feel of his arms around her. Kathryn smiled. He was caressing her hair. Such a small but intimate touch. It made her feel loved. But was she? Did he still feel the same? And what about Seven? Hating to break the silence she spoke, her words muffled by his uniform, "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I was out of line."
"Well, you know what they say. All is fair in love and war."
Kathryn raised her head, searching his eyes, her own mixed emotions of love, hope and fear clear in hers. She held her breath.
Chakotay looked at her, studied her face, trying to be the telepath he wasn't. Still uncertain as to how she would respond he took another risk. "Kathryn, I love you. And now that I know what you want from me, from us, I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it happen. I love you, and I'm not gonna let you get away from me again."
Kathryn smiled and opened her mouth to speak but no words would come out. Knowing she needed to reassure him Kathryn closed the space between them, and kissed him. A feather light touch of lips that told him just what he needed to know. Staying close to him she whispered the words.
"I love you too. I'm sorry.."
"For loving me?" he chuckled.
"No you silly!" she swatted him lightly on the chest but then grew serious. "I'm sorry for not coming to you earlier. For expecting you to--"
He interrupted her words with another kiss, now taking his time in enjoying the sensation more thoroughly. Breaking the kiss he cradled her head in his hands and sighed. "Kathryn, it's ok. It doesn't matter. Not anymore. What matters now is that we concentrate on our future, together. We've had great seven years as friends and now we're facing something even better. Let's not dwell in the past. Please?"
"I agree. A wise man once told me; 'do not sacrifice the present for a future that may never happen.' It took me awhile, but I'm beginning to learn that." Taking a breath she looked down and studied the fabric of his uniform. " There's one more thing though."
"What's that?"
"What about Seven of Nine?"
Chakotay sighed. Of course he would break it off. It was just a matter of how and when. "I won't lie to her. I'll tell her how I feel about you and me, and her."
Hearing his words Kathryn felt mostly relieved, but also slightly insecure. "How do you feel about her?", she asked, needing to hear the words no matter what they were.
"She's a remarkable woman," he confessed. "But nothing compared to you."
Smiling again Kathryn shook her head, her words and her voice light and filled with laughter. "Good save."
"Yeah, I thought so." He hugged her against him, his hands making their way around her and resting against the small of her back When she looked at him again his grin had changed to a slight frown.
"What?"
"You know the funny thing is that she.. Seven I mean, she all the time reminded me of someone else. she was different somehow.. not like the Seven of Nine we're used to seeing. she was almost like. you." Chakotay's frown was deepening as he considered this new revelation.
Not happy with the sudden change of atmosphere Kathryn kissed him playfully, loving the freedom of being able to do that. "Really? Well, sorry to disappoint you but. " Kathryn gestured at her chest. "I don't think mine will never be that big."
Chakotay raise his right hand and pretended to consider something very carefully. "Oh, they're just perfect."
The end
By Kayryn Shadow
Disclaimers: the allnotsomighty Paramount owns Janeway, Chakotay, Seven and even the room where this story takes place in. Other than that it's all mine.
Author's note: I really loved this episode. The one thing that I didn't like of course. was C/7. So naturally I had to correct the damage TPTB caused. ?
Rated PG13 for mild language.
=^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^= =^=
Kathryn Janeway was sitting in her quaters looking out at the familiar stars through her tears. Dammit, it was supposed to feel good to be back. But tears she was crying weren't tears of joy. Her tears were born out of pain and grief. When did this happen? How could I not see it before? How could I be so blind?
Kathryn thought back to what the Admiral, her future self, had told her. Kathryn had been refusing to go along with the plan the Admiral had in mind and so the older woman had given tried to catch her interest with news that still had her shaking. Seven and Chakotay would marry. Each other. God. when had they began their relationship? And dammit why hadn't he told her? They were supposed to be friends.
Now that she'd seen them together on the bridge and later in the messhall, it was obvious to her. She should have seen the signs herself. Maybe she had, but had refused to pay attention, not wanting to believe something that felt so ludicrous. But that wasn't even the worst of it.
A few hours ago she'd passed astrometrics on her way from the shuttle bay to the bridge when she heard Chakotay's voice from the other side of the doors. She hadn't meant to eaves drop, but the words had caught her attention. If you think I'm going to let you end this because of what might happen...Then you need to get to know me a little better. The thought of Chakotay telling Seven practically the same thing he'd once told her made her sick.
Her musings were interrupted by the chime. "Computer identify the person outside these quaters," Kathryn instructed as she wiped her eyes dry of tears.
/Commander Chakotay/
Oh, but of course! I want some company and he's made other plans. I need privacy and he's at my door. "Come"
The first officer of Voyager hesitantly stepped through the doorway but didn't seem too eager to stay. "Hello, Captain. Here's Harry's report of the internal sensors."
"You can leave it at the table." And then as an after thought she added. "Thank you."
"Captain, is everything alright?" The sound of his voice was devoid of the concern it used to carry.
I waited. Why didn't you! Why couldn't you wait another month! Kathryn felt anger build up inside her. She turned to face him, her eyes full of fire.
"How long have you been seeing Seven?" Her voice was steady, not giving her away like her eyes did.
Chakotay froze, disbelief written all over his face. "How. how did you know?"
Kathryn snorted. "Does it really matter?" When he didn't say anything she continued. "Why didn't you tell me. I thought we were friends." She looked at him, waiting for him to say something.
"We are. I just.. I wanted to see how things would go before we went public. Besides I didn't think you'd care."
The way he spat out the last words hurt her. But in seconds the hurt changed into anger. And anger makes people say things before they have time to think.
"Don't you talk to me about caring." Kathryn yelled. "Do you honestly think I didn't care when you had your thing with Riley. Or when I read about you and the mystery woman. Kelly. Kellin.. whatever! And that my heart didn't break when I thought you'd had a child. When I saw that baby on the screen and it reminded me of what I hadn't had yet, and what that woman had. Of all the women with Seska? Do you really think that every one of those times my heart didn't break?!! You know Chakotay, sometimes I really wonder why I keep on loving you!"
Kathryn clamped a hand on her mouth realizing just what she'd said.
Chakotay stared at her, his anger growing at the mention of his past affairs. Her words of loving him went unnoticed. "What gives *you* the right to talk about my affairs? How would you feel if I brought up Kashyk? You openly flirted with him. Everyone on this ship saw that. I heard people whispering whether or not you slept with him! Now guess how that made me feel? And that Michael from the holodeck? You think your 'friendship' with him didn't hurt me? Then there's Jaffen. You knew him for two days and moved in with him! I know you weren't in control of your own mind, but it still doesn't take the hurt away."
Kathryn clenched her hands into tight fists, fighting the tears that were brimming in her eyes. Why couldn't he see it, was he that blind with his own feelings that he never bothered to see hers? "Fuck you, Chakotay! I can't believe you're so blind to the world around you!"
"What the hell is that supposed to mean!"
"The night before we used the slipstream drive to get back to Earth I *created* an opportunity for you to express your feelings! We were all thinking we'd get back to Earth within the next few days and I was hoping you still had some feelings for me! I was too scared to ask you, to say those words aloud so I created an opportunity for you to reach out to me if you still wanted me. But you didn't!"
Kathryn walked to the viewport, hugging herself and gazed at the stars through her tears.
Chakotay found it hard to believe what he was hearing. "Kathryn."
"And even before that. When I heard that Mark had gotten married at first I felt terrible. But then I saw that it was a chance! That when I would tell you, you might take that chance. To at least show me that you were still interested! All that talk about a safety net.. dammit Chakotay, are you really that stupid that you didn't see it? Why the hell didn't you act when I gave you the chance practically on a silver plate! You have no idea how hard it was on both times to carry on the conversation like nothing in my life hadn't changed! To keep on smiling and joking when I felt like dying!"
"You could have said something!"
"I was waiting for you to step out and say that you wanted it! Hoping that you would take the chance! That you'd fight me like I heard you fight Seven just a few hours ago!"
"You heard?" Chakotay was stunned. All the things he'd said to Seven.
Kathryn looked away, no longer able to stop the tears from falling. "Yes, I did. And yes, I may have hurt you at times, for which I am sorry, but you'll never know the pain I felt then."
Chakotay stood silently, unsure what to say or do.
Her back still turned to him she continued. "Don't you see? All I ever wanted. needed. was for you to come to me and say you wanted me to be yours! To take me. To tell me you loved me and that you wanted us to be together. But I guess gentlemen prefer blondes after all. I'm sorry I can't meet your expectations."
"Kathryn."
"Just spare me! You can go back to your blondes Chakotay!" If there ever was a clear dismissal this was it.
But Chakotay refused to leave now. Instead he moved closer to her, his anger igniting again. "Wait a minute! How was I supposed to know? I didn't dare take the risk because I know how important Starfleet protocols are to you! I'm not a telepath, Kathryn! And don't you --!" He forced her to turn around and at once fell silent. Her eyes were red and puffy and tears were streaming down her cheeks.
He felt guilt ridden for causing her more pain. Placing his hands on her shoulders he continued softly. "I'm sorry I raised my voice. But Kathryn. How was I to know? If I'd known that's all it would've taken... I would've said those words to you two weeks into our journey."
Kathryn looked at him in disbelief. The tone in his voice. was she reading him wrong? Could they still have a chance?
"What a mess we've made. Kathryn, all I tried was to be what you needed me to be. The first officer, friend and supporter. I wish I'd known." Chakotay said. He saw a few more tears make their way. Feeling slightly hesitant but willing to take the risk he drew her closer and wrapped her in his arms.
Kathryn saw his intentions in his eyes before his body had taken any action and went willingly to his arms, sighing gratefully. It felt so good, warm and safe. It felt like home. She buried her face in his chest, relishing in the feel of his arms around her. Kathryn smiled. He was caressing her hair. Such a small but intimate touch. It made her feel loved. But was she? Did he still feel the same? And what about Seven? Hating to break the silence she spoke, her words muffled by his uniform, "I'm sorry for yelling at you. I was out of line."
"Well, you know what they say. All is fair in love and war."
Kathryn raised her head, searching his eyes, her own mixed emotions of love, hope and fear clear in hers. She held her breath.
Chakotay looked at her, studied her face, trying to be the telepath he wasn't. Still uncertain as to how she would respond he took another risk. "Kathryn, I love you. And now that I know what you want from me, from us, I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it happen. I love you, and I'm not gonna let you get away from me again."
Kathryn smiled and opened her mouth to speak but no words would come out. Knowing she needed to reassure him Kathryn closed the space between them, and kissed him. A feather light touch of lips that told him just what he needed to know. Staying close to him she whispered the words.
"I love you too. I'm sorry.."
"For loving me?" he chuckled.
"No you silly!" she swatted him lightly on the chest but then grew serious. "I'm sorry for not coming to you earlier. For expecting you to--"
He interrupted her words with another kiss, now taking his time in enjoying the sensation more thoroughly. Breaking the kiss he cradled her head in his hands and sighed. "Kathryn, it's ok. It doesn't matter. Not anymore. What matters now is that we concentrate on our future, together. We've had great seven years as friends and now we're facing something even better. Let's not dwell in the past. Please?"
"I agree. A wise man once told me; 'do not sacrifice the present for a future that may never happen.' It took me awhile, but I'm beginning to learn that." Taking a breath she looked down and studied the fabric of his uniform. " There's one more thing though."
"What's that?"
"What about Seven of Nine?"
Chakotay sighed. Of course he would break it off. It was just a matter of how and when. "I won't lie to her. I'll tell her how I feel about you and me, and her."
Hearing his words Kathryn felt mostly relieved, but also slightly insecure. "How do you feel about her?", she asked, needing to hear the words no matter what they were.
"She's a remarkable woman," he confessed. "But nothing compared to you."
Smiling again Kathryn shook her head, her words and her voice light and filled with laughter. "Good save."
"Yeah, I thought so." He hugged her against him, his hands making their way around her and resting against the small of her back When she looked at him again his grin had changed to a slight frown.
"What?"
"You know the funny thing is that she.. Seven I mean, she all the time reminded me of someone else. she was different somehow.. not like the Seven of Nine we're used to seeing. she was almost like. you." Chakotay's frown was deepening as he considered this new revelation.
Not happy with the sudden change of atmosphere Kathryn kissed him playfully, loving the freedom of being able to do that. "Really? Well, sorry to disappoint you but. " Kathryn gestured at her chest. "I don't think mine will never be that big."
Chakotay raise his right hand and pretended to consider something very carefully. "Oh, they're just perfect."
The end