Glitch
a Ranma 1/2 self-insert fanfiction
by Black Dragon
Standard disclaimer applies. Black Dragon, self-proclaimed Lord of Chaos, is the only character that belongs to me. All others have been shamelessly stolen from people far more deserving and affluent than I am. And I'm keeping them too. Ha ha!
This is my own vision of what a self-insert fanfictions should look like. There will be no God-like manipulation of plot lines, and no running the lives of the main characters (well, okay, there'll be a little of that). This is pure comedy, just like all the other garbage I write.
Glitch
Chapter 1
The Ascension
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"All right scumbags! Suck plasma!"
Twin bolts of red death burst out of the double-barreled rifle, stabbing deeply into Ryoga's chest. The lost boy gasped and fell to his knees, his eyes wide as hot pain spread outward from his torso.
Mousse jumped away as Ryoga's corpse fell to the ground, and threw a barrage of chains and knives. All for naught.
Black Dragon, the mighty Lord of Chaos, laughed as he slapped away the razor-sharp weapons like flies, hitting each projectile with perfect accuracy.
"I never did like you, Mousse. Your misplaced and moronic devotion may have won you some fans, but in the end, you just don't have what it takes." BD leveled his weapon, a 2-foot long plasma rifle, and grinned sadistically.
"Damn you!" Mousse slipped a scythe out of his sleeve and charged, only to be halted instantly as the first spears of red pierced his heart.
BD snorted as the last of the bodies hit the ground, and blew away the smoke wafting from the barrel of his gun. "Feh. Too easy."
Ranma staggered up to him from behind, being held up mostly by Ukyo and Shampoo. "Wow! Seeing how I was inexplicably incapacitated early on in the fight against two people who I beat up on a regular basis, it sure is a good thing you were there! You're the coolest!"
Black Dragon flashed him a smile, showing off his perfect. "Why yes, I AM cool, aren't I?"
"BD! BD! He's our man! Since Ranma can't do it, we're glad he can!" A group of cheerleaders danced and chanted on the sidelines, waving silver pom-poms in the air.
Shampoo turned to Ukyo. "Well, now that Mousse dead, Shampoo have no one turn to but Ranma!"
Ukyo blinked. "Wow. That's something to think about. I mean, I still have Konatsu."
"No ya don't," BD interrupted, "I got him earlier."
Ukyo gripped Ranma's arm tighter. "Wow. I don't have anyone to turn to but Ranma as well. To think, if Ranma marries Akane, we'll be all alone."
"Hold on a sec..." BD looked at his watch, and started counting off seconds.
*KABOOOOM!!!* A massive explosion lit up the skyline of Tokyo, and Black Dragon smiled.
"No longer a problem."
Ranma suddenly stood up with a determined look on his face. "Well, seeing how Akane's dead, I can't possible abandon Ukyo and Shampoo to lives of agonizing misery without me." He stepped forward, then turned to the girls. "I'll just have to marry you both!"
The two former rivals glanced at each other, then shrugged and double-glomped their fiancee.
Ukyo frowned. "Wait, what about Kodachi?"
"What do you think?" BD deadpanned.
Looking up to the sky, Black Dragon gestured away the cheerleaders before signaling the extra-dramatic background music.
"Well, seeing how I've altered the storyline to my will, killed all the characters I don't like, and satisfied all the characters that I do, it's time to began a record of my own travels, where I destroy every unfavorable element with monotonous ease and start building a harem of hot anime women for myself." Sighing to himself, the Lord of Chaos turned away and began walking into the sunset.
Ranma nodded and hugged his fiancees to him. "Good luck Black. We'll pray for you." Shampoo and Ukyo nodded seriously.
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Black Dragon, 17-year old super geek extraordinaire, sighed tiredly as he finished the latest chapter for his monthly fanfic update.
Looking over his work, he frowned slightly, scratching his chin.
"Something's missing... hmmmmm... maybe a plot would help." BD started scrolling down the numerous pages of inane rambling and frowned.
"Doesn't look like there's room for an actual plot... I'll just add a scene with a mysterious evil overlord instead." He did so. It didn't help.
BD closed the application disgustedly. "No wonder self-inserts suck. How can an author be expected to worry about things like characterization, plot, and an entertaining and feasible storyline when he can run rampant and kill anyone he wants?"
With uncanny inconvenience, a new voice floated in from the hallway.
"BD! Dad says to take out the trash!"
He blinked. "What? That's your job!"
Prism Knight, self-proclaimed Lord of the French (I don't know what he means either) smirked as he walked in. "I have a headache, so you have to do it. He also wants the lawn mowed and the kitchen cleaned."
Black Dragon ignored him. "Buzz off PK. You don't have a headache."
"Dad said to do it."
"Then Dad can tell me himself. If you're going to fake a headache to get out of chores, I'm not gonna make it easy for you to boss me around." He continued typing away.
PK glared at his older brother. "If you don't do it, I'll tell Dad about the hentai stuff you have on your computer."
"I don't HAVE any hentai stuff on my computer, dolt." BD deadpanned.
PK grumbled to himself, his bluff having been called. "What're you doing?"
"Stuff that doesn't concern you, twit." BD adjusted himself to block PK's view of the screen.
Prism Knight simply moved around and kicked BD's office chair to the side. "Let me see! And stop calling me names!"
BD forwent simply moving the younger boy, and kicked him in the knee before shoving him away from the computer. "Get out of my room! And I'll call you whatever I want!"
PK growled and grabbed his older brother in a headlock, knocking off the author's glasses. "Don't hit me! I'll tell!"
Black Dragon struggled for a bit, then managed to punch the little pest in the jaw before escaping the clumsy hold. "Fine! Tell! Just get out!" Putting his glasses back on, the turned back to his monitor, muttering darkly.
PK fumed for a moment, his anger rising. Then he noticed that a half-empty can of soda was sitting on the edge of the desk. Feeling rather impulsive, not to mention spiteful, he smacked the Coke can onto the floor, spilling it all over the plush tan carpet and the surge protector that provided most of the electric outlets for various devices around the room.
"HEY!!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" BD shot up and shoved his brother away, causing him to fall and hit his head on the drawer (one of the lighter injuries that his skull had sustained over the years). "You idiot! You got soda all over my surge protector! That's dangerous!" Unintentionally demonstrating that, the young author picked up a conveniently placed wet rag and began to mop up the liquid around the multitude of electric outlets.
Not the stupidest thing he had ever done, but it would prove to be the last.
*ZAAAAAK!!!* "GYAAAAAH!!!" *Thud*
Black Dragon hit the carpeted floor completely insensate, smoke rising from his hair.
Prism Knight, still nursing what looked like yet another concussion, stared with wide eyes at the sight of his brother, his only sibling, lying on the floor unconscious.
"B-Black? Black? Hey, BD, you there?" Tentatively walking up to the charred victim, he used what little medical skills he had, and determined that there was indeed no pulse.
"He... He's dead. I... I killed him..." PK stared hard at the corpse for a moment, then slowly stood up. Then he headed for his brother's dresser, a look of determination on his face.
"Let's see... where is it... where is it..." PK muttered to himself as he rifled through the garbage that covered the wooden drawers, and his eyes lit up as he found the object of his quest.
Opening up the wallet, he quickly slipped the bills out before tossing it haphazardly on the floor. "Sweet! He got paid yesterday! There must be almost three hundred dollars in here!" Idly wondering what to spend it on, Prism Knight left the room, making sure to close the door behind him.
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As time passed, the smell of ozone fled Black Dragon's room through an air vent, and the time window for any type of resuscitation passed.
And then, he awoke.
BD found it strange, at first, that he would wake up from being zapped unconscious without feeling a thing, or even being particularly disoriented. His vision was a bit blurred, but he attributed that to not having his glasses.
When the blurriness spontaneously cleared, he knew something was wrong.
He felt lighter than air, as if he could float with sheer willpower. He felt tireless, as if the natural restrictions of a physical body no longer applied to him.
"Either I've survived a freak accident and mysteriously been given incredible super powers..." he speculated, "or... I'm dead."
He looked down, to see his body lying on the floor, charred and bloody.
"Crap."
"Yeah, gruesome, 'aint it?"
BD whirled around at the light, hollow voice, and his eyes widened as he beheld a figure in a black cloak carrying a scythe. "You're... death?"
"No, I'm Mary Poppins," the figure deadpanned. "Look, you've bitten the dust, and I'm here to take you to the afterlife. I go through this every friggin' day, the pay sucks, and the vacations are a joke. So let's just get on with it, okay? I don't have time for all that 'No, it's not my time, I can't be dead!' nonsense, capeesh?"
"Okay, okay..." BD mumbled. "Can't be all bad though. I mean, you have pretty good job security, right?"
"Damn straight," Death muttered, taking out a notepad and pen. "Lessee now... Black Dragon, eh? The things mother's name their kids, I swear."
BD shrugged. "Eh, what's in a name? So, there really is an afterlife?"
Death nodded. "Yup. Hmmm... that's funny. You're scheduled for 1997."
Black Dragon blinked. "1997?! What took you jerks so long?!"
Death shook his head, then pulled out some more papers from beneath his robe and looked them over. "Hold on, hold on... I see... four car accidents, with you riding your bicycle, two attacks by poisonous spiders that never quite made it, two failed suicide attempts, and a near-drowning."
BD continued glaring at the ghastly manifestation. "Yes? Well?"
The skeletal form shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you kid. Seems the higher-ups had it in for you, and you lucked out."
BD snorted. "'Luck', he calls it." Then, one part of what the apparition said penetrated. "Wait... 'higher-ups'? You mean, like God?"
"He prefers that people just call him 'Tom', but yeah."
Black Dragon started to sweat as Death continued going over his files.
"Okay... now to see if you're going to Heaven or Hell..." Somehow, Death managed to convey a rising eyebrow as he looked over a critical part of the application.
"Atheist, huh?"
BD gulped. "Well, not anymore. Is it too late to convert?"
"Kinda. Sorry kid, but that's gonna hurt the final judgement." Death started humming "Death March" to himself as he looked over the other papers.
"Ooh... repeated acts of violence, ill will against others, frequently took pleasure in the humiliation and misfortune of others..."
"Psychiatrists call it 'adolescence'." BD noted.
"...Meaningless killing of thousands of small animals, just for fun..."
"If it was for fun, it's not meaningless is it?"
"...And you plotted to destroy the planet."
BD sweatdropped. "Okay, so I wasn't exactly a pacifist."
"Plus you consistently mocked those that DID believe in Tom."
"...Damn."
"'Fraid so kid." Death finished, stuffing the papers back into his robes. "Judgement has been passed, and you lose. Let's go." Death turned around, and Black Dragon sighed and followed.
*Foom!* All of a sudden, a light flashed in Death's hand, and a folder appeared between his skeletal fingers.
"'Foom'? What kind of sound effect is 'Foom'?" BD muttered.
"Shaddup." Death snapped, then opened it up. After reading a few lines, the apparition groaned and turned to his victim.
"What the hell is this? You don't possess your soul?"
BD blinked. "Huh?"
"Your soul! It says here that you, meaning the spiritual manifestation of Black Dragon, is the property of someone named 'Darren'!"
BD scratched his chin, then nodded as the memory came. "Oh yeah! I gave it to him Junior year! So what's the problem?"
Death gripped his staff tightly. "Why the hell did you give your soul away?"
BD shrugged. "I wasn't using it."
Death groaned and scratched the top of his hood.
"Look, what's the big problem?" BD asked, growing impatient. It was bad enough that he was going to go to Hell, he didn't want to have to wait too.
"The PROBLEM is that your soul is the actual 'body' that's transferred to the afterlife. You gave your soul to this Darren guy, but you didn't sign in blood, so no actual spiritual transfer took place."
BD blinked. "But..." he prompted.
"BUT," Death snapped, "you DID sign in red pen, so the contract is still legally binding. Your soul, meaning your celestial form as you are now, belongs to this other guy. The thing is, he's not dead yet, and seeing how you are, there's no way to complete the transfer or get both of you into eternity. One of those needs to happen before we can do anything with your soul."
Black Dragon sighed. "So I'm stuck. Figures. Even after I escape the accursed mortal coil, my luck is still dismal."
"Yeah, well keep your bad luck offa me." Death muttered, and pulled out another clipboard. "Look, I can't just leave you here; my organization just finished routing out the last of those blasted ghosts and I'm gonna get it if they find out I left another one behind. So I'm gonna fill out an application for your spiritual entity and have you reassigned until this other kid kicks the bucket, capeesh?"
"Reassigned? What do you mean?"
Death looked up, and his pen hovered over a section of the form. "Well, currently we have two ludicrously convenient openings for you. One is to follow this kid Saotome around in an alternate universe, and help him find happiness. The other option is to be reincarnated as a reincarnation of a prince from a long dead civilization, given super powers and destined to get it on with this high school girl and help rule the planet."
BD stared at him incredulously. "That second one wouldn't happen to involve a tuxedo and roses, would it?"
Death nodded. "That, and a whole lot of paperwork. 'Reincarnations of reincarnated people' creates quite a mess in the karmic balance."
Black Dragon sweatdropped. "I'll take the first one. And on a side note, this has to be the stupidest pretext to a self-insert I've ever seen."
"Yeah, well, I didn't write it," Death muttered, then finished filling out the form. "Sign here, please." The apparition handed the young author a pen.
Sighing at the poorly constructed plot devices that fate had handed him, BD took the instrument and signed the paper, which exploded into a thousand tiny motes of light as soon as he was done.
BD turned toward Death. "So, what super-powers do I get?"
Death blinked, though it was impossible for anyone else to tell. "Powers? What?"
"Don't I get any powers? I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to get powers."
Death snorted. "Give me a break. I have enough problems with accounting without wasting resources on nonsense like this."
BD frowned. "You can't just drop me into a place full of incredibly powerful martial artists without giving the me capability to beat them all up!"
"Why not?"
BD opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
Death sighed, his patience obviously wearing thin. "Look, I'll tell you what. I'll give you the ability to speak Japanese, okay?"
BD stared. "You were going to put me into the Ranmaverse without language skills?"
Death shrugged. "You'd adjust."
"Nothing else?"
"Well, as per the norm for anyone in Nerima, you'll be given almost nearly instantaneous recovery from grievous wounds, the ability to sustain ridiculous amounts of punishment without dying, and the ability to beat any entity, no matter how powerful, to a pulp, so long as you're part of an angry mob."
"So... that's it?"
"Yup. Good night." With that, Death raised his scythe, and smashed his client over the head with the blunt handle of the weapon.
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(Ranmaverse, before episode 1)
"Whatsa matter Pop? We done already?" Ranma taunted the fallen martial artist as he stood one-legged upon his pole, feeling good that he had gotten his father back for dragging him to such a worthless training ground.
*Goosh!* A panda with a torn, wet gi around it, and a pair of glasses on its head alighted on the bamboo pole opposite Ranma, taking up a traditional kempo stance.
Ranma was understandably confused, and pointed at the creature. "What... How... But..."
"Oh, too too bad. Sir fall into Spring of Drowned Panda. Very tragic story of panda that drown there 1,200 year ago! Now whoever fall into spring take body of panda! Is very cursed spring!"
"What?! You never said anything about any curse!" Had Ranma been paying attention to his transformed father, he would have evaded the quick strike to his shoulder. Alas, he did not, and Genma, who had not yet realized that he had doubled in mass and shifted significantly in shape, took full advantage of the opening, sending his son careening into another spring.
*Splash!*
"Oh, too too bad. Young sir fall into Spring of Drowned Girl. Very tragic story of girl who drown there. Is very cursed spring!"
The words of the Guide echoed in Ranma's head as he surfaced, and he immediately looked down at his chest. And his eyes bulged as he saw that suddenly, he had breasts.
"Pop..." Ranma growled, and burst from the water.
The panda started sweating as he became increasingly aware of the unfolding events taking place. Seeing how his only son had just been turned into his only daughter, and was understandably upset, Genma saw fit to give his new body a good test drive and ran for his life.
The guide sighed to himself as the two customers ran off into the hills. 'They should be back,' he reasoned to himself. 'After all, they'll want to know if there's a cure.' With that, the portly Chinese man prepared to head back to his hut.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" *SPLASH!*
The guide turned around, startled, as something fell into a spring behind him. From the length of the scream, and how loud the impact was, he supposed whoever it was must have fallen from a great distance up.
It was easy to find the right spring, and he shook his head as he walked up to the small reptile that was struggling out of the pool.
"Oh, very sorry... sir? Or ma'am, maybe? Anyway, you fall in Spring of Drowned lizard. Very tragic tale. Lizard drown. Spring is cursed, so now you lizard." The guide watched as the creature scrambled out of the water, and started looking around, showing none of the panicked disorientation of the usual victims. It was about a foot long, with pointed plated scales all around its body that shined blue and green with the sun.
BD registered what the guide had said, and began looking around at the new world he had been (literally) dropped into. 'I'm cursed! And I'm a lizard! This is so cool!' He began to walk about a bit, and then looked up at the stout Chinese guide. The man was staring at him curiously as he towered overhead. 'I'm cursed... and I'm a lizard... this sucks.'
"Ah, since you no run away, me tell you how curse work. You see, hot water change you into human once again, and cold water change to lizard. You understand?"
The lizard nodded its head, so the guide proceeded to produce a kettle of hot water and dump its contents on the mysterious newcomer.
It immediately grew into a young man, just a little older than the previous victim. He had dark hair somewhere between brown and pure black, and a skinny, feeble build.
"Man, I swear, why do those jerks always have to warp you in 200 feet above the ground. Idiots." BD muttered to himself as he took a nearby bamboo pole, and dipped it into the deep waters of the spring, fishing for his clothes.
"Ah, you very strange, no? Where you come from? Are you with other sirs?"
BD lifted up the pole, retrieving his underwear and sweatpants. Despite both items being soaked, he slipped them on anyway. Better than being naked.
"No, not really. Just happened by. Ah! There's my shirt!" BD dipped the pole back in, and lifted the garment up.
After slipping on his plain white shirt, Black Dragon frowned into the pool. "Where is it..." He thrust the pole back in, and scraped around on the bottom of the spring with it. After a moment he lifted the pole back up, frowning again when nothing was on it.
"Ah... sir, what you doing?" The guide asked curiously.
"Looking for something." BD muttering, dropping the pole back in. After a moment, he caught a flash of light, and stabbed for it with the pole.
The young author smiled in triumph as he lifted the pole back up, with a small golden amulet on the end of it. It portrayed a serpentine dragon roaring, with its snake-like body forming a crescent. Closer inpection revealed that it wasn't actually gold, as some of the cheap spray paint that colored it had been worn off at certain places.
Nonetheless, the guide couldn't help but feel that the piece had some sort of great significance, especially with how this new individual was handling it.
"Ah, sir, what that? Look very old."
BD blinked, caught halfway in fastening the amulet around his neck. "What, this? Not really. My mother gave it to me."
"Ah, is family heirloom then."
"Nope. Las Vegas hotel, gift shop. Six bucks." The guide facefaulted.
Because the guide had remained outside rather than going back to his hut, he was able to hear the cry of surprise coming from one of the cliffs above. Orienting on the noise, both men were able to see a figure plummeting down into the valley.
"Oh no! Someone else fall in spring now! You save him, yes?" Surely the young man could catch the victim before he hit the water. After all, if he was here, he must be a martial artist, right?
"Me? You've gotta be joking. Even if I could, I wouldn't." The guide looked on in confusion as Black Dragon smirked.
*Splash!* Water burst upward as the hapless figure of one Ryoga Hibiki hit the surface of the spring, and the initial thrashing quickly shrank along with the lost boy. Within moments, a small black pig with a spotted bandanna pulled itself out of the spring, looking terribly confused.
"*Sigh* You fall in spring of drowned pig. Very cursed. You pig now." The guide was getting quite tired of spouting the same dialogue over and over again.
Both the guide and the pig were shaken out of their reveries when the third participant start bellowing in laughter.
"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! That was awesome!! It's SO much funnier in person!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
BD collapsed onto the ground as the guide stared on in absolute confusion. "Oh... sir, why you laugh?"
Black Dragon stood up shakily, wiping a tear of mirth from his eyes. "Because the dolt deserves it, that's why. Ha! A pig!"
Ryoga, still quite disoriented from the whole "changing into a pig" thing, started to twitch as he realized that someone he'd never met before was laughing at his misfortune. Not only that, but judging that he actually DESERVED to be a pig! Deciding to deal with the curse later, Ryoga leapt to the attack, which cut off Black Dragon's laughter quickly.
"Ow! Hey, knock it off!" BD shook his arm painfully as the transformed lost boy bit into it, but to no avail. Then he tried punching it off with his other hand, which only got Ryoga angrier.
Ryoga let go of BD's wrist, only to jump up and strike him in the head, almost knocking the older boy into yet another spring.
"Oh, sirs! You no fight here, yes? Very dangerous!"
"I don't WANT to fight! OW!!! Get it off! Get it off!"
In the former plot line, Genma Saotome, still a panda, managed to get away from his vengeful son and pick up the hapless Ryoga, ignorant of the pig's true form. This time, however, he paused at the edge of the grounds to stare at the sight of a pig attacking a flailing human being, and didn't notice his son coming up from behind him, who had been attracted by the noise.
*Wham!* The panda went flying into the forest surrounding the valley, and was swiftly forgotten by all present.
Ranma walked back into Jusenkyou, muttering darkly about her father's stupidity, then she saw what was causing all the noise she had noticed before.
"Get it off! Get it off!" Ryoga was now clamped onto Black Dragon's face, and looked to be trying to eat off his nose. Rolling her eyes, Ranma walked up to the struggling pair, and kicked the human in the shins, causing him to topple over. Easily prying the small animal off, Ranma drop-kicked it away.
"Hey, are you okay?" Ranma asked, poking the young man with her foot.
"No," BD groaned.
Ranma snorted and started walking toward the guide. "Aw man, you should be ashamed of yourself. Getting beaten up by a pig."
"It was a martial artist pig," BD protested into the ground.
Ranma ignored him and pointed toward the guide. "There's gotta be some kind of cure, right?"
The guide scratched his head. "Ah, hot water reverse curse, see?" He brought a hot kettle out from behind his back and started pouring it over Ranma's head.
"Huh... I wonder if I can do that." BD tried pulling a kettle out from behind his back, and somehow ended up with a lit bomb. "Whoa! I pulled off a happodaikarin!"
"Yes!" Ranma exalted as he patted himself down, confirming his gender. "Ha! Just hot water, eh? Not much of a curse..."
The guide shook his head sadly. "Is only temporary, sir. You change ba-"
*BOOM!!!* "Ow..."
The guide frowned in the direction of the blackened author, and then turned back to Ranma. "As I saying, cold water change back to girl."
"What?! You gotta be kidding me!" Ranma stomped on the ground furiously before dropping cross-legged onto the ground, fuming. "Pop is SO gonna get it when he comes back."
"Medic..." BD was ignored.
"Growf!"
"Well, speak of the devil," Ranma muttered darkly. "Pop..."
The panda bigsweated and backed up slightly.
"Can I get a little help here?" Black Dragon tried to get up, and succeeded only in turning himself over so he was lying on his back rather than his stomach.
The guide moved in front of Ranma, who was glaring darkly at the transformed martial artist. "Sirs, you no fight now, yes? Is very dangerous!" He produced yet another kettle, and spilled it over the panda, transforming it once more into the bane of Ranma's existence B.H. (Before Happousai).
Ranma reluctantly nodded in agreement.
The guide went on. "I take you to Joketzuzoku now; they know much about magic. Maybe they know way to help."
Ranma and Genma looked at each other and nodded in agreement.
"Please? Anybody?" Black Dragon craned his neck to look around, and noticed that everybody else was leaving. "Hey!" he yelled, jumping to his feet, "wait for me!" He began to run, and then, just as quickly, stopped in his tracks.
"Wait a minute. Just a minute ago I couldn't move. Now I feel fine, but still have soot covering my face... this is so cool!!" He began to laugh to himself, and then realized that he was being left behind. "Wait up! I'm coming too!"
_______________________________________________________________________
Ranma glared at the panda that followed her as they approached the Amazon village. The panda glared back.
"This is all your fault, Pop," the redheaded girl spat.
[My fault? You're the one that hit the boulder that released the stream!] Ranma had no idea where Genma had gotten all those wooden signs from, but he was starting to hate them. A Genma incapable of speech had been quite an attractive prospect, while it lasted.
"How was I supposed to know that the boulder was plugging a river! It came out of nowhere! And YOU'RE the one that got us cursed in the first place! You and your stupid ideas!"
Black Dragon followed from behind, in perfect step with the guide. He was not only still human, but had found a mirror from somewhere, and was admiring himself.
"I look SO much better animated! It's incredible! My complexion cleared, my hair spiked out, and I can see without glasses! This is so COOL!!!"
The guide shook his head sadly. He had thought that the martial artists were bad with their constant fighting, but at least they appeared to be sane. This fellow seemed convinced that his appearance changed dramatically since the last time he had looked.
"Wait... where did I get this mirror? And how come I'm not burned any more?" He turned toward the guide. "Just what happened during the transition? I can't seem to remember exactly; just that there was a big rock and a mountain lion."
"Me afraid stress of curse damage sir's mind," the guide muttered unhappily, "or did sir hit head on bottom of spring when he fall?"
BD scratched his chin, considering it. "Could have. I get hit in the head a lot, so I usually don't keep track."
The guide nodded in understanding. "Me suspect so. We see healer in village, see if she can repair brain, yes?"
Ranma and Genma reached the open gates of the village and walked right in. The guide seemed confused as to why there was no one at the gates, but followed regardless, Black Dragon still at his side.
Ranma and Genma stopped to look at a battle taking place upon a log suspended in the middle of the village square. The other two men approached from behind, and the guide nodded to himself as he realized what was going on.
"Ah, we very lucky sir; today Amazon tournament in village. To win tournament is very big honor."
Ranma and his father weren't listening at that point, however, as they had both noticed the table laden with food at the edge of the village. Genma ran for immediately, as Ranma started more slowly, paying slight attention to the battle.
Black Dragon noticed, and nodded his head in determination. "All right, here's where it starts! In order to fix everything, I have to keep bad stuff like this from happening! First off, I must protect the prize from Ranma!"
The guide stared at him. "Sir, why you talk to yourself?"
"No time to chat now!" BD jumped ahead and grabbed Ranma's shoulder. "Wait! You can't eat that!"
Ranma turned toward the odd fellow that had been following them since Jusenkyou. "Why not?"
"It's..." BD stopped abruptly as he caught sight of the table himself. "It's... I mean... are those red grapes?"
Ranma blinked, and turned toward the feast again. "Yeah. But it looks like it's just garnish for that fish."
BD promptly passed the pigtailed girl, drooling as he imagined tearing into the feast himself. Ranma shrugged and took a seat.
Shampoo threw her opponent off the log, and raised her arms in victory as a spontaneous cheer from the crowd rose and fell. She spent a little while soaking up the attention, then turned toward her prize-
And nearly fell down as she witnessed a boy, a girl, and a panda shoveling it down with abandon.
{"You there! What are you doing?!"} Shampoo shouted, running up to the first prize table.
Ranma noticed that cute girl with the maces seemed to be shouting at them. Unfortunately, he didn't know a word of Chinese. "Yo, you know what she's saying?"
BD looked up and quickly swallowed a chunk of fish. "Nope. *Chomp* *Chew* Though it probably has something to do with us eating the tournament's first prize."
Ranma blinked. "OH... so THAT'S what the sign says, huh? Yeah, I'll bet she's probably mad about that." Ranma shoveled some yams into his mouth.
Shampoo growled slightly at being basically ignored, and thrust a bonbori at the redheaded girl. She was the only girl in the group, after all, and looked to be the only fighter. The male looked as if he would lose a fight with a rough breeze.
Ranma stared curiously at the teenage Amazon as she said something in Chinese, and then turned toward the guide when he cleared his throat.
"Ah, sir, you must be punished for eating prize! That what she say to you."
Ranma frowned. "Well, if it's the prize for the tournament, if I win the tournament, there's no problem, right?" Ranma grinned and got up from the bench.
The guide translated for Shampoo, and the young champion smirked at the foolish outsider woman.
BD stopped suddenly, a chicken drumstick halfway to his mouth. "Wait! This is my chance! I have the opportunity to change one of the major points of the Ranma 1/2 series around! All I have to do is stop him now!" The guide and Genma stared uncomfortably at the obviously insane boy as he dropped his food and turned away.
"Ranma, wait!"
*Thud!* Shampoo hit the ground, and the crowd fell silent as Ranma lowered her foot.
BD sweatdropped. "Oops. Introspection took too long. Oh well. Wouldn't be as much fun without Shampoo anyway."
Ranma hopped off the log, and tried not to smirk as her defeated opponent staggered to her feet. Then her half-smirk turned to an expression of confusion as the girl walked up to her, cupped her chin in her hands, and kissed her on the cheek.
"Uh oh! Major plot divergence point!" Black Dragon quickly wracked his brain and made a decision, pulling a kettle out from behind his back.
*Fsssssssssss!* Black Dragon bigsweated as the bomb fuse quickly burned down to nothing. "Damn it. Here! Catch!" BD tossed the bomb away, snickering slightly as one young woman proved dumb enough to actually catch the explosive as all the others dove away.
Ignoring the following explosion, the displaced author searched the crowd for Ranma, sighing in exasperation when he realized that the girl and his father were already running for the hills next to the guide. Shampoo looked similarly ready to give chase, though there was some confusion due to the bomb that had literally come out of nowhere.
"Well, no point in hanging around here." Running for the wall, BD grabbed a convenient bucket of water and doused himself.
By the time the village leaders had arrived to learn what had happened and organize the chaos, Shampoo had already left to pursue her victim, and the only sign of the strange foreign male was a pile of clothes left haphazardly next to the village palisade.
Nobody paid any notice to the lizard that scaled the wall with its short claws, save a single young warrior who caught a glint of light from the unique dragon necklace that it had looped around its neck. After shaking her head slightly to clear it, she looked back up to confirm that the reptile was actually wearing a necklace, but only saw a thin tail drop behind the wall as the creature reached the top and fell to the ground on the other side. She quickly dismissed it from her thoughts, convinced that she should lay off her breaking point training for a few weeks.
Outside the village, Black Dragon tried to mutter to himself irritably as he thrashed on the ground, having landed on his head. Of course, he didn't have the vocal organs to make anything but a mild hissing sound, so he hissed in irritation for a moment before snatching up his fallen necklace in his mouth and scrambling away.
'I'd better get moving. It's probably a long walk to the nearest port city. And an even longer swim to Japan.' He thought. 'Hey, I wonder what happened to Ryoga?'
"Bweeeee!" True to form, said piglet broke through the underbrush at that very moment and fled, being followed by a hungry-looking feral cat a moment later.
The cursed lost boy couldn't spare the time to concentrate on anything other than his immediate survival, but had he looked back, he would have noticed a lizard thrashing on the ground in what seemed like mute laughter.
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End Chapter 1
a Ranma 1/2 self-insert fanfiction
by Black Dragon
Standard disclaimer applies. Black Dragon, self-proclaimed Lord of Chaos, is the only character that belongs to me. All others have been shamelessly stolen from people far more deserving and affluent than I am. And I'm keeping them too. Ha ha!
This is my own vision of what a self-insert fanfictions should look like. There will be no God-like manipulation of plot lines, and no running the lives of the main characters (well, okay, there'll be a little of that). This is pure comedy, just like all the other garbage I write.
Glitch
Chapter 1
The Ascension
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"All right scumbags! Suck plasma!"
Twin bolts of red death burst out of the double-barreled rifle, stabbing deeply into Ryoga's chest. The lost boy gasped and fell to his knees, his eyes wide as hot pain spread outward from his torso.
Mousse jumped away as Ryoga's corpse fell to the ground, and threw a barrage of chains and knives. All for naught.
Black Dragon, the mighty Lord of Chaos, laughed as he slapped away the razor-sharp weapons like flies, hitting each projectile with perfect accuracy.
"I never did like you, Mousse. Your misplaced and moronic devotion may have won you some fans, but in the end, you just don't have what it takes." BD leveled his weapon, a 2-foot long plasma rifle, and grinned sadistically.
"Damn you!" Mousse slipped a scythe out of his sleeve and charged, only to be halted instantly as the first spears of red pierced his heart.
BD snorted as the last of the bodies hit the ground, and blew away the smoke wafting from the barrel of his gun. "Feh. Too easy."
Ranma staggered up to him from behind, being held up mostly by Ukyo and Shampoo. "Wow! Seeing how I was inexplicably incapacitated early on in the fight against two people who I beat up on a regular basis, it sure is a good thing you were there! You're the coolest!"
Black Dragon flashed him a smile, showing off his perfect. "Why yes, I AM cool, aren't I?"
"BD! BD! He's our man! Since Ranma can't do it, we're glad he can!" A group of cheerleaders danced and chanted on the sidelines, waving silver pom-poms in the air.
Shampoo turned to Ukyo. "Well, now that Mousse dead, Shampoo have no one turn to but Ranma!"
Ukyo blinked. "Wow. That's something to think about. I mean, I still have Konatsu."
"No ya don't," BD interrupted, "I got him earlier."
Ukyo gripped Ranma's arm tighter. "Wow. I don't have anyone to turn to but Ranma as well. To think, if Ranma marries Akane, we'll be all alone."
"Hold on a sec..." BD looked at his watch, and started counting off seconds.
*KABOOOOM!!!* A massive explosion lit up the skyline of Tokyo, and Black Dragon smiled.
"No longer a problem."
Ranma suddenly stood up with a determined look on his face. "Well, seeing how Akane's dead, I can't possible abandon Ukyo and Shampoo to lives of agonizing misery without me." He stepped forward, then turned to the girls. "I'll just have to marry you both!"
The two former rivals glanced at each other, then shrugged and double-glomped their fiancee.
Ukyo frowned. "Wait, what about Kodachi?"
"What do you think?" BD deadpanned.
Looking up to the sky, Black Dragon gestured away the cheerleaders before signaling the extra-dramatic background music.
"Well, seeing how I've altered the storyline to my will, killed all the characters I don't like, and satisfied all the characters that I do, it's time to began a record of my own travels, where I destroy every unfavorable element with monotonous ease and start building a harem of hot anime women for myself." Sighing to himself, the Lord of Chaos turned away and began walking into the sunset.
Ranma nodded and hugged his fiancees to him. "Good luck Black. We'll pray for you." Shampoo and Ukyo nodded seriously.
***********************************************************************
Black Dragon, 17-year old super geek extraordinaire, sighed tiredly as he finished the latest chapter for his monthly fanfic update.
Looking over his work, he frowned slightly, scratching his chin.
"Something's missing... hmmmmm... maybe a plot would help." BD started scrolling down the numerous pages of inane rambling and frowned.
"Doesn't look like there's room for an actual plot... I'll just add a scene with a mysterious evil overlord instead." He did so. It didn't help.
BD closed the application disgustedly. "No wonder self-inserts suck. How can an author be expected to worry about things like characterization, plot, and an entertaining and feasible storyline when he can run rampant and kill anyone he wants?"
With uncanny inconvenience, a new voice floated in from the hallway.
"BD! Dad says to take out the trash!"
He blinked. "What? That's your job!"
Prism Knight, self-proclaimed Lord of the French (I don't know what he means either) smirked as he walked in. "I have a headache, so you have to do it. He also wants the lawn mowed and the kitchen cleaned."
Black Dragon ignored him. "Buzz off PK. You don't have a headache."
"Dad said to do it."
"Then Dad can tell me himself. If you're going to fake a headache to get out of chores, I'm not gonna make it easy for you to boss me around." He continued typing away.
PK glared at his older brother. "If you don't do it, I'll tell Dad about the hentai stuff you have on your computer."
"I don't HAVE any hentai stuff on my computer, dolt." BD deadpanned.
PK grumbled to himself, his bluff having been called. "What're you doing?"
"Stuff that doesn't concern you, twit." BD adjusted himself to block PK's view of the screen.
Prism Knight simply moved around and kicked BD's office chair to the side. "Let me see! And stop calling me names!"
BD forwent simply moving the younger boy, and kicked him in the knee before shoving him away from the computer. "Get out of my room! And I'll call you whatever I want!"
PK growled and grabbed his older brother in a headlock, knocking off the author's glasses. "Don't hit me! I'll tell!"
Black Dragon struggled for a bit, then managed to punch the little pest in the jaw before escaping the clumsy hold. "Fine! Tell! Just get out!" Putting his glasses back on, the turned back to his monitor, muttering darkly.
PK fumed for a moment, his anger rising. Then he noticed that a half-empty can of soda was sitting on the edge of the desk. Feeling rather impulsive, not to mention spiteful, he smacked the Coke can onto the floor, spilling it all over the plush tan carpet and the surge protector that provided most of the electric outlets for various devices around the room.
"HEY!!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" BD shot up and shoved his brother away, causing him to fall and hit his head on the drawer (one of the lighter injuries that his skull had sustained over the years). "You idiot! You got soda all over my surge protector! That's dangerous!" Unintentionally demonstrating that, the young author picked up a conveniently placed wet rag and began to mop up the liquid around the multitude of electric outlets.
Not the stupidest thing he had ever done, but it would prove to be the last.
*ZAAAAAK!!!* "GYAAAAAH!!!" *Thud*
Black Dragon hit the carpeted floor completely insensate, smoke rising from his hair.
Prism Knight, still nursing what looked like yet another concussion, stared with wide eyes at the sight of his brother, his only sibling, lying on the floor unconscious.
"B-Black? Black? Hey, BD, you there?" Tentatively walking up to the charred victim, he used what little medical skills he had, and determined that there was indeed no pulse.
"He... He's dead. I... I killed him..." PK stared hard at the corpse for a moment, then slowly stood up. Then he headed for his brother's dresser, a look of determination on his face.
"Let's see... where is it... where is it..." PK muttered to himself as he rifled through the garbage that covered the wooden drawers, and his eyes lit up as he found the object of his quest.
Opening up the wallet, he quickly slipped the bills out before tossing it haphazardly on the floor. "Sweet! He got paid yesterday! There must be almost three hundred dollars in here!" Idly wondering what to spend it on, Prism Knight left the room, making sure to close the door behind him.
_______________________________________________________________________
As time passed, the smell of ozone fled Black Dragon's room through an air vent, and the time window for any type of resuscitation passed.
And then, he awoke.
BD found it strange, at first, that he would wake up from being zapped unconscious without feeling a thing, or even being particularly disoriented. His vision was a bit blurred, but he attributed that to not having his glasses.
When the blurriness spontaneously cleared, he knew something was wrong.
He felt lighter than air, as if he could float with sheer willpower. He felt tireless, as if the natural restrictions of a physical body no longer applied to him.
"Either I've survived a freak accident and mysteriously been given incredible super powers..." he speculated, "or... I'm dead."
He looked down, to see his body lying on the floor, charred and bloody.
"Crap."
"Yeah, gruesome, 'aint it?"
BD whirled around at the light, hollow voice, and his eyes widened as he beheld a figure in a black cloak carrying a scythe. "You're... death?"
"No, I'm Mary Poppins," the figure deadpanned. "Look, you've bitten the dust, and I'm here to take you to the afterlife. I go through this every friggin' day, the pay sucks, and the vacations are a joke. So let's just get on with it, okay? I don't have time for all that 'No, it's not my time, I can't be dead!' nonsense, capeesh?"
"Okay, okay..." BD mumbled. "Can't be all bad though. I mean, you have pretty good job security, right?"
"Damn straight," Death muttered, taking out a notepad and pen. "Lessee now... Black Dragon, eh? The things mother's name their kids, I swear."
BD shrugged. "Eh, what's in a name? So, there really is an afterlife?"
Death nodded. "Yup. Hmmm... that's funny. You're scheduled for 1997."
Black Dragon blinked. "1997?! What took you jerks so long?!"
Death shook his head, then pulled out some more papers from beneath his robe and looked them over. "Hold on, hold on... I see... four car accidents, with you riding your bicycle, two attacks by poisonous spiders that never quite made it, two failed suicide attempts, and a near-drowning."
BD continued glaring at the ghastly manifestation. "Yes? Well?"
The skeletal form shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you kid. Seems the higher-ups had it in for you, and you lucked out."
BD snorted. "'Luck', he calls it." Then, one part of what the apparition said penetrated. "Wait... 'higher-ups'? You mean, like God?"
"He prefers that people just call him 'Tom', but yeah."
Black Dragon started to sweat as Death continued going over his files.
"Okay... now to see if you're going to Heaven or Hell..." Somehow, Death managed to convey a rising eyebrow as he looked over a critical part of the application.
"Atheist, huh?"
BD gulped. "Well, not anymore. Is it too late to convert?"
"Kinda. Sorry kid, but that's gonna hurt the final judgement." Death started humming "Death March" to himself as he looked over the other papers.
"Ooh... repeated acts of violence, ill will against others, frequently took pleasure in the humiliation and misfortune of others..."
"Psychiatrists call it 'adolescence'." BD noted.
"...Meaningless killing of thousands of small animals, just for fun..."
"If it was for fun, it's not meaningless is it?"
"...And you plotted to destroy the planet."
BD sweatdropped. "Okay, so I wasn't exactly a pacifist."
"Plus you consistently mocked those that DID believe in Tom."
"...Damn."
"'Fraid so kid." Death finished, stuffing the papers back into his robes. "Judgement has been passed, and you lose. Let's go." Death turned around, and Black Dragon sighed and followed.
*Foom!* All of a sudden, a light flashed in Death's hand, and a folder appeared between his skeletal fingers.
"'Foom'? What kind of sound effect is 'Foom'?" BD muttered.
"Shaddup." Death snapped, then opened it up. After reading a few lines, the apparition groaned and turned to his victim.
"What the hell is this? You don't possess your soul?"
BD blinked. "Huh?"
"Your soul! It says here that you, meaning the spiritual manifestation of Black Dragon, is the property of someone named 'Darren'!"
BD scratched his chin, then nodded as the memory came. "Oh yeah! I gave it to him Junior year! So what's the problem?"
Death gripped his staff tightly. "Why the hell did you give your soul away?"
BD shrugged. "I wasn't using it."
Death groaned and scratched the top of his hood.
"Look, what's the big problem?" BD asked, growing impatient. It was bad enough that he was going to go to Hell, he didn't want to have to wait too.
"The PROBLEM is that your soul is the actual 'body' that's transferred to the afterlife. You gave your soul to this Darren guy, but you didn't sign in blood, so no actual spiritual transfer took place."
BD blinked. "But..." he prompted.
"BUT," Death snapped, "you DID sign in red pen, so the contract is still legally binding. Your soul, meaning your celestial form as you are now, belongs to this other guy. The thing is, he's not dead yet, and seeing how you are, there's no way to complete the transfer or get both of you into eternity. One of those needs to happen before we can do anything with your soul."
Black Dragon sighed. "So I'm stuck. Figures. Even after I escape the accursed mortal coil, my luck is still dismal."
"Yeah, well keep your bad luck offa me." Death muttered, and pulled out another clipboard. "Look, I can't just leave you here; my organization just finished routing out the last of those blasted ghosts and I'm gonna get it if they find out I left another one behind. So I'm gonna fill out an application for your spiritual entity and have you reassigned until this other kid kicks the bucket, capeesh?"
"Reassigned? What do you mean?"
Death looked up, and his pen hovered over a section of the form. "Well, currently we have two ludicrously convenient openings for you. One is to follow this kid Saotome around in an alternate universe, and help him find happiness. The other option is to be reincarnated as a reincarnation of a prince from a long dead civilization, given super powers and destined to get it on with this high school girl and help rule the planet."
BD stared at him incredulously. "That second one wouldn't happen to involve a tuxedo and roses, would it?"
Death nodded. "That, and a whole lot of paperwork. 'Reincarnations of reincarnated people' creates quite a mess in the karmic balance."
Black Dragon sweatdropped. "I'll take the first one. And on a side note, this has to be the stupidest pretext to a self-insert I've ever seen."
"Yeah, well, I didn't write it," Death muttered, then finished filling out the form. "Sign here, please." The apparition handed the young author a pen.
Sighing at the poorly constructed plot devices that fate had handed him, BD took the instrument and signed the paper, which exploded into a thousand tiny motes of light as soon as he was done.
BD turned toward Death. "So, what super-powers do I get?"
Death blinked, though it was impossible for anyone else to tell. "Powers? What?"
"Don't I get any powers? I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to get powers."
Death snorted. "Give me a break. I have enough problems with accounting without wasting resources on nonsense like this."
BD frowned. "You can't just drop me into a place full of incredibly powerful martial artists without giving the me capability to beat them all up!"
"Why not?"
BD opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
Death sighed, his patience obviously wearing thin. "Look, I'll tell you what. I'll give you the ability to speak Japanese, okay?"
BD stared. "You were going to put me into the Ranmaverse without language skills?"
Death shrugged. "You'd adjust."
"Nothing else?"
"Well, as per the norm for anyone in Nerima, you'll be given almost nearly instantaneous recovery from grievous wounds, the ability to sustain ridiculous amounts of punishment without dying, and the ability to beat any entity, no matter how powerful, to a pulp, so long as you're part of an angry mob."
"So... that's it?"
"Yup. Good night." With that, Death raised his scythe, and smashed his client over the head with the blunt handle of the weapon.
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(Ranmaverse, before episode 1)
"Whatsa matter Pop? We done already?" Ranma taunted the fallen martial artist as he stood one-legged upon his pole, feeling good that he had gotten his father back for dragging him to such a worthless training ground.
*Goosh!* A panda with a torn, wet gi around it, and a pair of glasses on its head alighted on the bamboo pole opposite Ranma, taking up a traditional kempo stance.
Ranma was understandably confused, and pointed at the creature. "What... How... But..."
"Oh, too too bad. Sir fall into Spring of Drowned Panda. Very tragic story of panda that drown there 1,200 year ago! Now whoever fall into spring take body of panda! Is very cursed spring!"
"What?! You never said anything about any curse!" Had Ranma been paying attention to his transformed father, he would have evaded the quick strike to his shoulder. Alas, he did not, and Genma, who had not yet realized that he had doubled in mass and shifted significantly in shape, took full advantage of the opening, sending his son careening into another spring.
*Splash!*
"Oh, too too bad. Young sir fall into Spring of Drowned Girl. Very tragic story of girl who drown there. Is very cursed spring!"
The words of the Guide echoed in Ranma's head as he surfaced, and he immediately looked down at his chest. And his eyes bulged as he saw that suddenly, he had breasts.
"Pop..." Ranma growled, and burst from the water.
The panda started sweating as he became increasingly aware of the unfolding events taking place. Seeing how his only son had just been turned into his only daughter, and was understandably upset, Genma saw fit to give his new body a good test drive and ran for his life.
The guide sighed to himself as the two customers ran off into the hills. 'They should be back,' he reasoned to himself. 'After all, they'll want to know if there's a cure.' With that, the portly Chinese man prepared to head back to his hut.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" *SPLASH!*
The guide turned around, startled, as something fell into a spring behind him. From the length of the scream, and how loud the impact was, he supposed whoever it was must have fallen from a great distance up.
It was easy to find the right spring, and he shook his head as he walked up to the small reptile that was struggling out of the pool.
"Oh, very sorry... sir? Or ma'am, maybe? Anyway, you fall in Spring of Drowned lizard. Very tragic tale. Lizard drown. Spring is cursed, so now you lizard." The guide watched as the creature scrambled out of the water, and started looking around, showing none of the panicked disorientation of the usual victims. It was about a foot long, with pointed plated scales all around its body that shined blue and green with the sun.
BD registered what the guide had said, and began looking around at the new world he had been (literally) dropped into. 'I'm cursed! And I'm a lizard! This is so cool!' He began to walk about a bit, and then looked up at the stout Chinese guide. The man was staring at him curiously as he towered overhead. 'I'm cursed... and I'm a lizard... this sucks.'
"Ah, since you no run away, me tell you how curse work. You see, hot water change you into human once again, and cold water change to lizard. You understand?"
The lizard nodded its head, so the guide proceeded to produce a kettle of hot water and dump its contents on the mysterious newcomer.
It immediately grew into a young man, just a little older than the previous victim. He had dark hair somewhere between brown and pure black, and a skinny, feeble build.
"Man, I swear, why do those jerks always have to warp you in 200 feet above the ground. Idiots." BD muttered to himself as he took a nearby bamboo pole, and dipped it into the deep waters of the spring, fishing for his clothes.
"Ah, you very strange, no? Where you come from? Are you with other sirs?"
BD lifted up the pole, retrieving his underwear and sweatpants. Despite both items being soaked, he slipped them on anyway. Better than being naked.
"No, not really. Just happened by. Ah! There's my shirt!" BD dipped the pole back in, and lifted the garment up.
After slipping on his plain white shirt, Black Dragon frowned into the pool. "Where is it..." He thrust the pole back in, and scraped around on the bottom of the spring with it. After a moment he lifted the pole back up, frowning again when nothing was on it.
"Ah... sir, what you doing?" The guide asked curiously.
"Looking for something." BD muttering, dropping the pole back in. After a moment, he caught a flash of light, and stabbed for it with the pole.
The young author smiled in triumph as he lifted the pole back up, with a small golden amulet on the end of it. It portrayed a serpentine dragon roaring, with its snake-like body forming a crescent. Closer inpection revealed that it wasn't actually gold, as some of the cheap spray paint that colored it had been worn off at certain places.
Nonetheless, the guide couldn't help but feel that the piece had some sort of great significance, especially with how this new individual was handling it.
"Ah, sir, what that? Look very old."
BD blinked, caught halfway in fastening the amulet around his neck. "What, this? Not really. My mother gave it to me."
"Ah, is family heirloom then."
"Nope. Las Vegas hotel, gift shop. Six bucks." The guide facefaulted.
Because the guide had remained outside rather than going back to his hut, he was able to hear the cry of surprise coming from one of the cliffs above. Orienting on the noise, both men were able to see a figure plummeting down into the valley.
"Oh no! Someone else fall in spring now! You save him, yes?" Surely the young man could catch the victim before he hit the water. After all, if he was here, he must be a martial artist, right?
"Me? You've gotta be joking. Even if I could, I wouldn't." The guide looked on in confusion as Black Dragon smirked.
*Splash!* Water burst upward as the hapless figure of one Ryoga Hibiki hit the surface of the spring, and the initial thrashing quickly shrank along with the lost boy. Within moments, a small black pig with a spotted bandanna pulled itself out of the spring, looking terribly confused.
"*Sigh* You fall in spring of drowned pig. Very cursed. You pig now." The guide was getting quite tired of spouting the same dialogue over and over again.
Both the guide and the pig were shaken out of their reveries when the third participant start bellowing in laughter.
"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! That was awesome!! It's SO much funnier in person!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
BD collapsed onto the ground as the guide stared on in absolute confusion. "Oh... sir, why you laugh?"
Black Dragon stood up shakily, wiping a tear of mirth from his eyes. "Because the dolt deserves it, that's why. Ha! A pig!"
Ryoga, still quite disoriented from the whole "changing into a pig" thing, started to twitch as he realized that someone he'd never met before was laughing at his misfortune. Not only that, but judging that he actually DESERVED to be a pig! Deciding to deal with the curse later, Ryoga leapt to the attack, which cut off Black Dragon's laughter quickly.
"Ow! Hey, knock it off!" BD shook his arm painfully as the transformed lost boy bit into it, but to no avail. Then he tried punching it off with his other hand, which only got Ryoga angrier.
Ryoga let go of BD's wrist, only to jump up and strike him in the head, almost knocking the older boy into yet another spring.
"Oh, sirs! You no fight here, yes? Very dangerous!"
"I don't WANT to fight! OW!!! Get it off! Get it off!"
In the former plot line, Genma Saotome, still a panda, managed to get away from his vengeful son and pick up the hapless Ryoga, ignorant of the pig's true form. This time, however, he paused at the edge of the grounds to stare at the sight of a pig attacking a flailing human being, and didn't notice his son coming up from behind him, who had been attracted by the noise.
*Wham!* The panda went flying into the forest surrounding the valley, and was swiftly forgotten by all present.
Ranma walked back into Jusenkyou, muttering darkly about her father's stupidity, then she saw what was causing all the noise she had noticed before.
"Get it off! Get it off!" Ryoga was now clamped onto Black Dragon's face, and looked to be trying to eat off his nose. Rolling her eyes, Ranma walked up to the struggling pair, and kicked the human in the shins, causing him to topple over. Easily prying the small animal off, Ranma drop-kicked it away.
"Hey, are you okay?" Ranma asked, poking the young man with her foot.
"No," BD groaned.
Ranma snorted and started walking toward the guide. "Aw man, you should be ashamed of yourself. Getting beaten up by a pig."
"It was a martial artist pig," BD protested into the ground.
Ranma ignored him and pointed toward the guide. "There's gotta be some kind of cure, right?"
The guide scratched his head. "Ah, hot water reverse curse, see?" He brought a hot kettle out from behind his back and started pouring it over Ranma's head.
"Huh... I wonder if I can do that." BD tried pulling a kettle out from behind his back, and somehow ended up with a lit bomb. "Whoa! I pulled off a happodaikarin!"
"Yes!" Ranma exalted as he patted himself down, confirming his gender. "Ha! Just hot water, eh? Not much of a curse..."
The guide shook his head sadly. "Is only temporary, sir. You change ba-"
*BOOM!!!* "Ow..."
The guide frowned in the direction of the blackened author, and then turned back to Ranma. "As I saying, cold water change back to girl."
"What?! You gotta be kidding me!" Ranma stomped on the ground furiously before dropping cross-legged onto the ground, fuming. "Pop is SO gonna get it when he comes back."
"Medic..." BD was ignored.
"Growf!"
"Well, speak of the devil," Ranma muttered darkly. "Pop..."
The panda bigsweated and backed up slightly.
"Can I get a little help here?" Black Dragon tried to get up, and succeeded only in turning himself over so he was lying on his back rather than his stomach.
The guide moved in front of Ranma, who was glaring darkly at the transformed martial artist. "Sirs, you no fight now, yes? Is very dangerous!" He produced yet another kettle, and spilled it over the panda, transforming it once more into the bane of Ranma's existence B.H. (Before Happousai).
Ranma reluctantly nodded in agreement.
The guide went on. "I take you to Joketzuzoku now; they know much about magic. Maybe they know way to help."
Ranma and Genma looked at each other and nodded in agreement.
"Please? Anybody?" Black Dragon craned his neck to look around, and noticed that everybody else was leaving. "Hey!" he yelled, jumping to his feet, "wait for me!" He began to run, and then, just as quickly, stopped in his tracks.
"Wait a minute. Just a minute ago I couldn't move. Now I feel fine, but still have soot covering my face... this is so cool!!" He began to laugh to himself, and then realized that he was being left behind. "Wait up! I'm coming too!"
_______________________________________________________________________
Ranma glared at the panda that followed her as they approached the Amazon village. The panda glared back.
"This is all your fault, Pop," the redheaded girl spat.
[My fault? You're the one that hit the boulder that released the stream!] Ranma had no idea where Genma had gotten all those wooden signs from, but he was starting to hate them. A Genma incapable of speech had been quite an attractive prospect, while it lasted.
"How was I supposed to know that the boulder was plugging a river! It came out of nowhere! And YOU'RE the one that got us cursed in the first place! You and your stupid ideas!"
Black Dragon followed from behind, in perfect step with the guide. He was not only still human, but had found a mirror from somewhere, and was admiring himself.
"I look SO much better animated! It's incredible! My complexion cleared, my hair spiked out, and I can see without glasses! This is so COOL!!!"
The guide shook his head sadly. He had thought that the martial artists were bad with their constant fighting, but at least they appeared to be sane. This fellow seemed convinced that his appearance changed dramatically since the last time he had looked.
"Wait... where did I get this mirror? And how come I'm not burned any more?" He turned toward the guide. "Just what happened during the transition? I can't seem to remember exactly; just that there was a big rock and a mountain lion."
"Me afraid stress of curse damage sir's mind," the guide muttered unhappily, "or did sir hit head on bottom of spring when he fall?"
BD scratched his chin, considering it. "Could have. I get hit in the head a lot, so I usually don't keep track."
The guide nodded in understanding. "Me suspect so. We see healer in village, see if she can repair brain, yes?"
Ranma and Genma reached the open gates of the village and walked right in. The guide seemed confused as to why there was no one at the gates, but followed regardless, Black Dragon still at his side.
Ranma and Genma stopped to look at a battle taking place upon a log suspended in the middle of the village square. The other two men approached from behind, and the guide nodded to himself as he realized what was going on.
"Ah, we very lucky sir; today Amazon tournament in village. To win tournament is very big honor."
Ranma and his father weren't listening at that point, however, as they had both noticed the table laden with food at the edge of the village. Genma ran for immediately, as Ranma started more slowly, paying slight attention to the battle.
Black Dragon noticed, and nodded his head in determination. "All right, here's where it starts! In order to fix everything, I have to keep bad stuff like this from happening! First off, I must protect the prize from Ranma!"
The guide stared at him. "Sir, why you talk to yourself?"
"No time to chat now!" BD jumped ahead and grabbed Ranma's shoulder. "Wait! You can't eat that!"
Ranma turned toward the odd fellow that had been following them since Jusenkyou. "Why not?"
"It's..." BD stopped abruptly as he caught sight of the table himself. "It's... I mean... are those red grapes?"
Ranma blinked, and turned toward the feast again. "Yeah. But it looks like it's just garnish for that fish."
BD promptly passed the pigtailed girl, drooling as he imagined tearing into the feast himself. Ranma shrugged and took a seat.
Shampoo threw her opponent off the log, and raised her arms in victory as a spontaneous cheer from the crowd rose and fell. She spent a little while soaking up the attention, then turned toward her prize-
And nearly fell down as she witnessed a boy, a girl, and a panda shoveling it down with abandon.
{"You there! What are you doing?!"} Shampoo shouted, running up to the first prize table.
Ranma noticed that cute girl with the maces seemed to be shouting at them. Unfortunately, he didn't know a word of Chinese. "Yo, you know what she's saying?"
BD looked up and quickly swallowed a chunk of fish. "Nope. *Chomp* *Chew* Though it probably has something to do with us eating the tournament's first prize."
Ranma blinked. "OH... so THAT'S what the sign says, huh? Yeah, I'll bet she's probably mad about that." Ranma shoveled some yams into his mouth.
Shampoo growled slightly at being basically ignored, and thrust a bonbori at the redheaded girl. She was the only girl in the group, after all, and looked to be the only fighter. The male looked as if he would lose a fight with a rough breeze.
Ranma stared curiously at the teenage Amazon as she said something in Chinese, and then turned toward the guide when he cleared his throat.
"Ah, sir, you must be punished for eating prize! That what she say to you."
Ranma frowned. "Well, if it's the prize for the tournament, if I win the tournament, there's no problem, right?" Ranma grinned and got up from the bench.
The guide translated for Shampoo, and the young champion smirked at the foolish outsider woman.
BD stopped suddenly, a chicken drumstick halfway to his mouth. "Wait! This is my chance! I have the opportunity to change one of the major points of the Ranma 1/2 series around! All I have to do is stop him now!" The guide and Genma stared uncomfortably at the obviously insane boy as he dropped his food and turned away.
"Ranma, wait!"
*Thud!* Shampoo hit the ground, and the crowd fell silent as Ranma lowered her foot.
BD sweatdropped. "Oops. Introspection took too long. Oh well. Wouldn't be as much fun without Shampoo anyway."
Ranma hopped off the log, and tried not to smirk as her defeated opponent staggered to her feet. Then her half-smirk turned to an expression of confusion as the girl walked up to her, cupped her chin in her hands, and kissed her on the cheek.
"Uh oh! Major plot divergence point!" Black Dragon quickly wracked his brain and made a decision, pulling a kettle out from behind his back.
*Fsssssssssss!* Black Dragon bigsweated as the bomb fuse quickly burned down to nothing. "Damn it. Here! Catch!" BD tossed the bomb away, snickering slightly as one young woman proved dumb enough to actually catch the explosive as all the others dove away.
Ignoring the following explosion, the displaced author searched the crowd for Ranma, sighing in exasperation when he realized that the girl and his father were already running for the hills next to the guide. Shampoo looked similarly ready to give chase, though there was some confusion due to the bomb that had literally come out of nowhere.
"Well, no point in hanging around here." Running for the wall, BD grabbed a convenient bucket of water and doused himself.
By the time the village leaders had arrived to learn what had happened and organize the chaos, Shampoo had already left to pursue her victim, and the only sign of the strange foreign male was a pile of clothes left haphazardly next to the village palisade.
Nobody paid any notice to the lizard that scaled the wall with its short claws, save a single young warrior who caught a glint of light from the unique dragon necklace that it had looped around its neck. After shaking her head slightly to clear it, she looked back up to confirm that the reptile was actually wearing a necklace, but only saw a thin tail drop behind the wall as the creature reached the top and fell to the ground on the other side. She quickly dismissed it from her thoughts, convinced that she should lay off her breaking point training for a few weeks.
Outside the village, Black Dragon tried to mutter to himself irritably as he thrashed on the ground, having landed on his head. Of course, he didn't have the vocal organs to make anything but a mild hissing sound, so he hissed in irritation for a moment before snatching up his fallen necklace in his mouth and scrambling away.
'I'd better get moving. It's probably a long walk to the nearest port city. And an even longer swim to Japan.' He thought. 'Hey, I wonder what happened to Ryoga?'
"Bweeeee!" True to form, said piglet broke through the underbrush at that very moment and fled, being followed by a hungry-looking feral cat a moment later.
The cursed lost boy couldn't spare the time to concentrate on anything other than his immediate survival, but had he looked back, he would have noticed a lizard thrashing on the ground in what seemed like mute laughter.
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End Chapter 1