Author's Notice (sorry this is a long a/N) This has been my "all day" fic. I've left it, come back to it, worked on it for ages. It must be very long (I say this now, because I'm not sure how long it is. I'm a bad word estimator.) It's very...different, it's a different take on everything and I love it. It's loud and bursting, it's not 'quiet' and it's not 'melancholic.' It's kinda vignette-y, mix matched. Lily and Remus are real characters, 3D, they're really angry and bitter and unsure in this fic...I like that quality to it. :) Ihave worked so hard trying to get the character interaction (i.e dialogue) perfect. I wanted it to seem natural, sharp, I really tried hard to portray these two (three?) characters in the way I saw fit.
I AM SO TIRED I AM GOING TO BED! Ugh it's like 11:40 aha....
Other Note Italics/bold/underline, sorry it's not working! It stinks, Iknow! Oh well, I had to post this, enjoy! (the ending was the hardest to write, nothing worked until I thought of the now-ending which I love and adore and just...capturesit.)
Disclaimer: All JK's (woohooo to the title of the sixth book! Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.)
((oh, and the song I listened to while writing this fic... READ THE SONG LYRICS. It's tres importante.))
----------------Outside another yellow moon
has punched a hole in the night time mist
I climb through the window and down to the street
I'm shining like a new dime
The downtown trains are full
full of all them Brooklyn girls
They try so hard to break out of their little worlds
You wave your hand and they scatter like crows
They have nothing that'll ever capture your heart
They're just thorns without the rose
Be careful of them in the dark
Oh if I was the one you chose to be your only one
Oh baby can't you hear me now, can't you hear me now
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
Every night, every night its just the same
On a downtown train
I know your window and I know its late
I know your stairs and your doorway
I walk down your street and past your gate
I stand by the light of the four way
and watch them as they fall, oh baby
They all having their heart attacks
They stay at the carnival
But they'll never win you back
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
Every night, every night its just the same
You leave me lonely
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
All my dreams, all my dreams fall like rain
On a downtown train
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
Every night, every night its just the same
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
All my dreams, all my dreams fall like rain
On a downtown train
On a downtown train
All my dreams fall like rain
On a downtown train
Rod Stewart "Downtown Train" this is SO SO SO the tone of this fic.
--
--
"Thank you for loving me when no one else did."
--
--
It is useless explaining this to you. You, as well as anyone else know what it feels like to fall in love. You are probably older than Lily was when she fell in love with Remus. You are probably smarter, not as silly as Miss.Evan's was. It is useless explaining this to you.
Lily Anne Evans married James Owen Potter right after Hogwarts. They were eighteeen, bright eyed and crazy for each other. She wore a stylish white dress and long veil, crazy green eyes, all smiles. The color of his tie was scarlet and his hair was playfully ruffled. They were so young. Eighteen year olds shouldn't be allowed to marry. They said to kiss her, and he did, and they laughed.
You probably don't want to know about them though. You did not read this story to hear more about Lily and James. Perfect couple, perfect life, perfect child. You did not read this story to hear another cliche, heartwarming tale about two people so in love and so mad about each other. You are most likely reading this story because you, just like me, believe that there was more to them that meets the eye.
I will warn you that this is not a happy story. This is the story of love lost (but not forgotten.) A story of living in the past, living for when life was lovely and true. This story is not a fairytale, and it's far from the norm. It's about growing up, getting smarter, getting sadder, a story of two people. Two real people...real people with real flaws and real personalities simply loving each other. It's how they got through the war, you know.
--
--
She met him when she was eleven. Eleven. On a scarlet train with bells and whistles and a stout conductor. Remus helped her pull her trunk up the narrow stairs and she smiled. "Thank you, you didn't have to. I could've..." "Yeah," he said, "but it was kind of heavy for a girl." He was quiet and looked tired. Not tired like he stayed up till twelve the night before. Not tired like his Mother woke him up early. Tired like he was tired of life, exhausted, sighing. He wore a slight grin and a jaunty hat. His watery blue eyes forever etched in her mind.
He told her he went to primary school with three boys who were also going to Hogwarts. He said they were the best of friends and then, sensing she had no one else to sit with, he led her to crowded compartment. Quickly, he introduced them. James Potter. Sirius Black. And Peter Petigrew.
Taking one look at Potter the girl knew that he was not your normal boy. He was charming, silly, cool. Too cool for me, she immediately thought and then mentally kicked herself. The way he looked at her, those lively eyes, she knew she was in big trouble. He was much too charming, he could sweep her off her feet and then break her heart. Break her heart so much...she was scared, nervous, worried, and she looked it.
"Hello," she said quietly. "Thank you for allowing me to sit with all of you."
The boys were quiet and Black immediately spoke up, "why don't you sit here? Right next to me?"
Remus scowled at him and Black quickly took back his statement, "never mind. Umm. James' owl is sitting right here actually, isn't she James? Why don't you hand her to me?" He was a very bad actor.
"I think Lily should sit next to me," James said, "here's my owl, Sirius."
"Thanks for the owl, James." Sirius said unable to contain his laughter.
Remus scowled again and Lily looked confused. "I'll sit with whoever I please," was all she said, sounding more braver then she felt.
"Thank you," Remus whispered as she plopped down next to him.
--
--
The rest of the trip to Hogwarts Remus and Lily became aquatinted. She asked him about his life and couldn't help but notice how quiet he was. How utterly heartbreaking it was just looking at him. He was one of those boys.
"Well, uh, I live with my Mother and my Father and my sister, Cassie. Cassie's nine and in love with Sirius. I do not want my sister dating Sirius."
Lily laughed and without beating around the bush she said, "you have a secret."
"Do I?" He said looking surprised and maybe a bit startled.
"Yes, yes, you do. Do you want to tell me?"
"No."
"You don't have to, I know how it feels...you know, like you're this awful horrid person. You're not, Remus. You're lovely."
He went very quiet.
"Thank you."
"Don't say thank you, I wasn't trying to be kind."
"What's your life story?"
"Well, I live with my Mother and my Father and my sister Petunia. Petunia's the favorite. It's as though we're princesses and she's the best and I'm the leftover one. I come from a muggle family, they don't understand. I don't blame them, it is too odd."
He smiled, "you're honest."
"You have to be in this world."
"You'll get hurt for being so honest."
"Everyone gets hurt sometimes."
"Have you ever been hurt? Like, really hurt? Wanting to die kind of hurt?"
"No."
"I have."
They were very quiet for a very long time. She read through one of her new spell books, and ate a pumpkin pasty. He wrote a letter to his Mother, telling him he was safely on the train, and then he thought about his life.
It was hard for an eleven year old to vocalize just how she felt. There were no real words, and Lily if had a part of this at eleven she would have said...there's something about Remus that just kills me, you know? It's not about looks, or charm. It's just real. He's so lovely, so quiet, so sad. He is not as alive as I am.
She would not have said she was falling in love with him, even if it was true.
--
--
As the years wore on, it became more obvious that James Potter was putting on the charm for Evans. He was disappointed she seemed not to care. She found James a 'silly little twit' and not worth her time. She admitted he was kind and flattering for the ego. He was even smart and talented. But he was not Remus and he would not do. He was just a boy, never mind that they were only thirteen.
As the years wore on, Remus and Lily spent more time together. Walking around the grounds, studying in the library, playing chess in the common room, talking in the kitchens. They talked of everything. Careers, future, life, family, magic, and friends. They shared philosophies and talked about religion and God. Remus was certain of his belief in God, Lily was doubtful and subtly rebellious.
"And so you believe that? In God? Oh, Remus, you're such a sad little boy."
"I do indeed."
"How?"
"You don't have to see it, you don't even have to feel it in order to know it. I just know it."
Lily did not quite understand and she rolled her eyes."Mummy's Catholic, so is Petunia and Daddy...but I will never be Catholic."
"So you think this is it? You are living on this beautiful earth and someday you will die and everything will be over? Like a snap of the fingers?"
She shrugged. "I think everything ends. I think we will end, and more people will begin. I think James will stop loving me eventually, and I think soon I will be a thing of the past. I think stuff ends, Remus. I think life ends, I think somethings are what they are."
"Somethings are," he said quietly, "but somethings, like love...don't end."
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For believing."
--
--
They had an unbreakable bond. The best of friends. Sirius, James, and Peter did not understand. Lily could be friends with whomever she pleased, she could be the picture of popularity, she could be on James arm, and she could be perfect. She chose not to. She sacrificed her perfect marks for skipping class with Remus and sacrificed her popularity for hanging out with her best friend. And it wasn't noble...and she didn't do it to be noble, she did it because he was her best friend and that is what one does for one's best friend. They were a sight for sore eyes.
Lily, with jumping green eyes, long messy red hair, and sweaters too big for her. Remus, with watery blue eyes, wavy brown hair, and silly hats. They were so strange, so odd. When Lily and Remus, walked into the common room one day James referred to them as the "rejects" and Lily laughed and did not mind.
And rejects they were indeed.
--
--
"Went to a party last night, Remus," she commented one day.
"Did you? I thought you were a reject?" He laughed.
"It does one good to hang out with the populars for a bit, you think?"
"They must see a lot of potential in you," he teased.
"Yeah, but I don't want 'em. I just want you."
"They'll get to you someday."
"What the heck do you mean by that?" She quickly got defensive and glared at him as he looked away from her glare.
"You'll be popular, loved. You'll be a Princess. Lily Anne Potter..."
"I don't believe in marriage," she said coolly, "I don't believe in it one bit."
"You'll even forget about me someday."
"What do you mean, how could you...?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"Oh, you didn't mean it, did you? You didn't mean it, just like James didn't mean it when..."
"Be quiet. I'm not James. I'm Remus, and I love you."
She was very quiet, "you...you?"
"Love you, yeah."
"I love you too."
And he kissed her.
--
--
Her fifth year and sixth year were the best. They were spent with Remus. Talking and laughing, holding hands, swimming in the lake. These were the days when she read romance novels and gossiped with the girls. She was truly in love with Remus Wilson Lupin, and she was so happy to be with him. He was so lovely, so sweet, kind, caring, careful.
He told her she was beautiful. Stunning. Lovely. A great girl. Brilliant. Understanding. Wise. He listened to her when she spoke, and he began opening up more to her as well. He told her about being a werewolf, and she cried one tear for him. She said it must've been hard and lonely, and he nodded. More and more she told him about her family, how hard it was sometimes, hard and lonely.
James saw them together sometimes. Looking so happy, so happy, as he sat there miserable and alone. He still had quidditch, and his best friends, but he missed the friendship with Lily that he once thought they'd have. He wrote home to his loving family and older brother frequently and spent more time in Hogsmeade. And everyone said James Potter was so lucky.
--
--
"What do you think being seventh years will be like?" She asked Remus as she took a big bite out of a ham sandwich.
He shrugged, "dunno."
"I'm happy to get out of here," was all she said with a frown disguised as a smile.
"Why?"
"We're not eleven anymore. We're getting older, growing up. I'm not a child. I mean, this school is so filled with stupid rules. I hate it. I mean, most of the time, you know. The people. They're...you know, stupid."
"Stupid, huh?"
"Well, yeah. Everyone wants me to be popular, Remus. I'm not stuck up it's just true...I feel like I'm on a radio show and James and I are the stars and everyone wants us to love each other. I don't love him and I can't help it."
"He's a good man."
"So are you," she smiled, "so are you. I just don't love him. He's perfect, but I don't love him, do you know what I mean? Everyone wants us to be together forever, everyone loves us...I don't know why, I'm just Lily. I'm not popular, I'm not fun, I'm not cute. I'm just Lily. I'm boring, and snotty, and I have messy hair."
"You're lovely."
"I'm not trying to be modest."
"James is a good man. He'd take good care of you."
"So what?"
"It's just true, isn't it?"
"It's not true, Remus. It's bull. All they feed me is bull 'oh you and James, so perfect, so young.' Oh, whatever. I don't know who decided that for me. 'Oh, he's such a Prince.' James, a prince? What are they smoking? 'James loves you, you're silly not to love him back. He has loved you for so long.'I'm sorry, I don't love James, I am incapable of loving James. I love you, and I'll love you forever. They'll have to kill me before I marry that slime."
"Don't call James slime."
"Don't tell me what to do, Remus."
He smiles and she hugs him, "I'll be happy to get out of here," she whispers, "we can go to London and get a flat and work for our supper. I don't care. Anything to get out of this place."
"You'll be sorry when you're out of here," he says, but she can't hear him, she's too busy crying on his shoulder. She doesn't cry much, but when she does they're big tears and they last for a very long time.
--
--
The summer after sixth year proved to be a tough one.
Remus rarely owled Lily, which angered her to no end. When he did owl her, all he said was how his friendship with Sirius, James, and Peter was breaking. "Then leave me," she said once, feeling as though he was blaming her for everything. "Leave me." He did not, of course. His Father had died in June, and the funeral was painful. Times were hard.
Lily's life was not going too well either. Petunia was, as always, the perfect Princess her parents always dreamed of. Lily felt more isolated and away from her family, rarely coming downstairs. Her Mother, Olivia, died in August leaving Lily's controlling father and her sister left. She missed Remus, and feared Remus did not miss her.
I'm sorry to inform you that when seventh year started, all the bonds they had tried so hard to form, broke very very quickly.
--
--
James was, at the start of seventh year, very zealous to win Lily over. He brought her flowers, chocolates, tried more often to start conversation with her. The crowd was more and more eager to see them get together. Lily got comments daily how it was a waste she was with Remus, and would be much better with James. How lucky she was such a fine boy likedher.
Remus did one of his favorite things, he became indifferent. He became cold, quieter, more depressed. He spent his time in his dormitory drawing eagles or reading, or eating chicken noodle soup. When Lily would talk to him he would shrug. Due to their course schedules they were both very busy with classes that would prep them for universities.
Lily was hurt the most. She felt deeply sad that Remus was so, utterly and blatantly sad. She knew he didn't want to get hurt, and he didn't want to see her hurt and he seemed to understand that her fate was with James. She had fought so hard for him.
At seventeen, they were no longer children and they could not react like children. But they did anyway. Lily turned to whining and complaining, being obnoxious, sarcastic, rolling her eyes, and doing better in school. Remus turned to doing worse in school, better in drawing, better at hiding his feelings, and being colder than ice towards Lily.
At seventeen, life was difficult. Sometimes, Lily blamed the war. Sometimes, she blamed the people. Sometimes James. Sometimes Remus. Usually herself.
--
--
"Don't wanna talk anymore?" She addressed him in a would-be cool tone, drowned out only by her sadness.
"I never said that," Remus commented immaturely. She stared at him, hard. Forcing him to look back at her.
"You never said it but you wanted to. You wanted to say you still love me, and you're sorry everyone's so nosy. You wanted to say James is slime, James doesn't deserve me. You wanted to tell me I'm odd and beautiful. And you wanted to tell me you're sorry we're getting so grown up."
He was very quiet, and briefly annoyed she read him so well.
"Sometimes, I did," he said truthfully.
"You're just tired of being hurt, of loving someone so much. Well, get over it. Sometimes, people get hurt. Sometimes, they trust too much. Sometimes, they're sad and sometimes they're sorry. Sometimes they do bad things and make mistakes. But I will not hurt you Remus, and you don't have to be scared."
"Thank you," he said quietly.
"I love you," she said stoically, "that's what people when they love each other do." She was very tempted to add 'duh' with it, but decided against it.
"I'm sorry I've been withdrawn."
"Don't be sorry, just kiss me and tell me you love me."
"I love you," he said. And he kissed her.
--
--
It was no one's fault. It was without fault. It was just sad.
Lily and Remus, even after making up grew further apart. Time seemed to tear at their souls and Remus was not the same person he was at fifteen. He was more grown up, more mature, more scared of being hurt. She hated him for being so smart, and reasonable, and resigning himself to fate.
Being fifteen was the best time of her life. Laughing and talking, hanging out, holding hands, jumping, just being children. She loved their long talks, and Remus' ideas on philosophy. Remus seemed to have changed, and she couldn't put her finger on it.
On February, 15th the two split up. It was Lily's birthday and a big fight was started.
--
--
"We can go to Hogsmeade...get a little cake, celebrate," she suggested after dinner in the Great Hall.
"I've really got to get back to my dormitory, study for that exam on Tuesday," he said earnestly, not wanting to make her angry.
"You don't have time for me?" She said, already getting angry. "I'm your girlfriend, aren't I? I'm the one you're kissing, I'm the one you love, I'm your best friend. Can't you just study later?"
"Look, it's a really big test. You know..."
"No, I don't know. Maybe everyone's right about you. Maybe you never loved me, maybe you just needed someone...anyone, maybe you were always jealous of James."
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, "you're different, Lily. I'll tell them, everything. I'll tell them everything you said about your family and how hated you are. I'll tell them, I swear I will."
"You pig! You wouldn't dare. I'll tell them you're a werewolf. Tell them you used me. I always loved James, that's what I'll tell them. Do not even try me, Remus."
"You'd use that against me?"
"You better believe it! You wanna use my family against me I'll use anything I can, just to hurt you. I don't care. You hate me."
"I never said that."
"You're just angry, you just think you're gonna have to join that stupid war."
"I would not mind fighting for my country," he said solemnly but not really believing any of it, "look if James is who you want I say go for it. I don't care."
"If you loved me, you would care."
"All right, I guess I don't love you then."
They had gotten so bitter, so angry. Their voices were so loud she was sure they'd wake someone up. Her eyes filled with his tears as his did the same. They were stressed, angry, uptight. She thought he'd hit her, or that she'd hit him.
"You take that back!"
"I'll do nothing of the sort."
"Tomorrow, I will speak to James about taking him up on his offer to go to Hogsmeade. Wanna know what James got me for my birthday? Two green beaded bracelets he made himself and a chocolate cake he baked. James must love me."
"Oh, I'm sure!" Remus stated sarcastically.
"You're gonna regret this, you know that, don't you?"
"I don't care, I'm sick of you."
"I'm going to bed."
"Have fun."
"You be quiet. You better go study for your potions test, huh?"
"I'm going to, thank you for caring so much about my marks."
She ran up to her dormitory and slammed the door. Hard.
--
--
She was not sure she wanted to speak to James the next day. She cried herself to sleep that night (and the night after, and the night after that...) her voice hoarse from yelling. She didn't know how things got so bad between her and Remus, and why he no longer loved her, and why she still loved him.
It stunned her that two people could so quickly grow apart, as though they never knew each other. The gossip and talk was getting to both of them, and she didn't know why. She cursed the fact that James talked about her to everyone else so much, and that everyone wanted them to love each other. She didn't know why they chose her, why she was so strangely popular. The muggle and the pureblood, oh, it'd be beautiful.
Once during the night she was tempted to go into his dorm room, tell him how sorry she was. How bloody sorry she was for opening her mouth. But she was not. She was mad he wasn't there for her, mad he wasn't willing to fight for her, and mad he did not owl her during the summer. She was bitter and felt more like killing him in his sleep than apologizing. She would not apologize.
Once during the night, he was tempted to go into Lily's dorm room, tell her how sorry he was. How bloody sorry he was for opening his mouth. But he was not. He was mad that James was so good at quidditch and so charming. He was angry Lily knew him so well. He was bitter and felt more like never speaking to her than apologizing. He would not apologize.
--
--
On the last day of Hogwarts, James and Lily were getting ready to start their life together. They were engaged and she had the most beautiful ring. They were both excited to be out of Hogwarts, and get their little flat somewhere around the Leaky Cauldron. Lily's family was happy she'd finally made something of herself and James' parents loved Lily like their own daughter. They had been together since April first. James felt so lucky, and Lily felt privileged to be James Potter's girlfriend. She attended every quidditch match, though not really caring about quidditch. She preferred philosophy.
On the last day of Hogwarts, alone, Remus packed his things into his large trunk. Quills, old love letters from Lily, his Hogwarts sweaters, his black pants, his robes, his books, cigarette boxes, everything that mattered. He was quiet and when the boys he shared the dorm with came in he was quiet, addressing them only with a hello. These past few months had been difficult. He attended his classes, only half there, and got through with decent marks. He took long walks around the grounds alone and he seemed much like a ghost. He drew often and ate chicken noodle soup. He preferred philosophy.
--
--
Lily was on her way to the common room when she bumped into a familiar face. His nose was stuck in a book, and her eyes were on her wedding ring.
"I'm so sorry, Madam..." he said, unsure of who she was at first. Then he caught a glimpse of her eyes and was certain who she was. She looked at him and forced him to meet her eyes. She gave him a hard stare, but he looked at his feet.
"It's no problem, Remus," she said quietly, "we weren't paying attention."
"That's a real nice ring," he said, "very good looking."
"Me or the ring?" She teased, forgetting she hated him, also forgetting how much she missed him.
"You moreso than the ring," he commented as he snapped his book shut.
"James has very good taste," was all she said about that. "How you been?"
"Yeah, okay, yeah."
"You don't look it."
She was right. He looked frail and thin, his brown hair wispy and his blue eyes watery as usual.
"I know, I don't."
"Don't think about the past, Remus. Be happy you're alive and young."
"I'm sorry," he said, sounding like a child, "just really sorry."
"Don't say that now," she said coldly , "I am beginning a new life. My life with James."
"That doesn't mean I'm not sorry," he said, this time his voice stronger.
He reached out and took her hand. He felt her cold, small hand in his big one and gently squeezed it. She squeezed back, trying not to let tears fall down her face but failing. His eyes met hers and she looked away.
"I'm sorry too," she said as he moved closer. She became slightly worried he may do something silly like kiss her and she stepped away from him.
"Please don't go away," he said, "I'm still Remus and you're still Lily and I still love you."
"You're wrong,"she said, "I have to go pack. I procrastinate too much."
He smiled, remembering her old habit, "yes, you do."
"Thank you for...for this," she said and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for loving me when no one else did."
"Any time, kid, any time," he said with a weak smile.
She walked past him briskly, tears streaming down her face, her book bag hanging from her shoulder. He looked at her once more and sighed, unable to contain his tears.
--
--
Lily Anne Potter, the gravestone read.
Lily Anne Potter, lived a short life.
Lily Anne Potter, was his love, his life, his past.
He kneeled by her gravestone, feeling suddenly silly. She had never believed in God but had died a Catholic. He said a short prayer, made the sign of the cross and kissed the gravestone.
He touched James' gravestone. He was very quiet and said a short prayer about his good friend. He pulled his cloak tighter around him as the wind picked up. It seemed as though the war would never end.
He was very sorry and he looked at her gravestone and pictured her face. Crazy green eyes, messy red ringlets, a tiny nose. She had been so young and so treasured. She had gotten only two years with James and seven years being his best friend. Suddenly he felt very blessed. He was sorry pride got in the way of their relationship, sorry she was so sharp, sorry he was as well. He was sorry for being withdrawn and sorry for her, sorry she was so feisty. He missed her, missed her these years after Hogwarts.
He began walking away from their gravestones. His boots trampled on wet grass and dusty dirt.
There were no words. No flowers.
--
--
...terrible twelve year olds...
"Remus, if you read me phoney poetry one more time I swear I'll kill you!"
"It's not phoney or corny! It's romantic!"
"Not to me! To me romantic is having snowball fights and eating chocolate frogs!"
"That is not romantic you cow!"
"Did you just call me a cow?"
"Uhuh!"
"That is not romantic Remus Wilson Lupin!"
"I didn't want it to be! Cow cow cow cow cow!"
"Oh my god, you're gonna make me cry."
"Yeah bloody right."
"You're right, I think it's kinda funny too...wait, don't tackle me! I'm trying to read!"
"What? Poetry?"
"Never!"
"You're a stubborn girl, Lily."
"I know. I'm bad."
"Nah. Lovely."
"Sometimes. Hey Remus?"
"Yeah?"
"Love ya."
"Right back at you."
--
--
End.
I AM SO TIRED I AM GOING TO BED! Ugh it's like 11:40 aha....
Other Note Italics/bold/underline, sorry it's not working! It stinks, Iknow! Oh well, I had to post this, enjoy! (the ending was the hardest to write, nothing worked until I thought of the now-ending which I love and adore and just...capturesit.)
Disclaimer: All JK's (woohooo to the title of the sixth book! Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.)
((oh, and the song I listened to while writing this fic... READ THE SONG LYRICS. It's tres importante.))
----------------Outside another yellow moon
has punched a hole in the night time mist
I climb through the window and down to the street
I'm shining like a new dime
The downtown trains are full
full of all them Brooklyn girls
They try so hard to break out of their little worlds
You wave your hand and they scatter like crows
They have nothing that'll ever capture your heart
They're just thorns without the rose
Be careful of them in the dark
Oh if I was the one you chose to be your only one
Oh baby can't you hear me now, can't you hear me now
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
Every night, every night its just the same
On a downtown train
I know your window and I know its late
I know your stairs and your doorway
I walk down your street and past your gate
I stand by the light of the four way
and watch them as they fall, oh baby
They all having their heart attacks
They stay at the carnival
But they'll never win you back
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
Every night, every night its just the same
You leave me lonely
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
All my dreams, all my dreams fall like rain
On a downtown train
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
Every night, every night its just the same
Will I see you tonight on a downtown train
All my dreams, all my dreams fall like rain
On a downtown train
On a downtown train
All my dreams fall like rain
On a downtown train
Rod Stewart "Downtown Train" this is SO SO SO the tone of this fic.
--
--
"Thank you for loving me when no one else did."
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It is useless explaining this to you. You, as well as anyone else know what it feels like to fall in love. You are probably older than Lily was when she fell in love with Remus. You are probably smarter, not as silly as Miss.Evan's was. It is useless explaining this to you.
Lily Anne Evans married James Owen Potter right after Hogwarts. They were eighteeen, bright eyed and crazy for each other. She wore a stylish white dress and long veil, crazy green eyes, all smiles. The color of his tie was scarlet and his hair was playfully ruffled. They were so young. Eighteen year olds shouldn't be allowed to marry. They said to kiss her, and he did, and they laughed.
You probably don't want to know about them though. You did not read this story to hear more about Lily and James. Perfect couple, perfect life, perfect child. You did not read this story to hear another cliche, heartwarming tale about two people so in love and so mad about each other. You are most likely reading this story because you, just like me, believe that there was more to them that meets the eye.
I will warn you that this is not a happy story. This is the story of love lost (but not forgotten.) A story of living in the past, living for when life was lovely and true. This story is not a fairytale, and it's far from the norm. It's about growing up, getting smarter, getting sadder, a story of two people. Two real people...real people with real flaws and real personalities simply loving each other. It's how they got through the war, you know.
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She met him when she was eleven. Eleven. On a scarlet train with bells and whistles and a stout conductor. Remus helped her pull her trunk up the narrow stairs and she smiled. "Thank you, you didn't have to. I could've..." "Yeah," he said, "but it was kind of heavy for a girl." He was quiet and looked tired. Not tired like he stayed up till twelve the night before. Not tired like his Mother woke him up early. Tired like he was tired of life, exhausted, sighing. He wore a slight grin and a jaunty hat. His watery blue eyes forever etched in her mind.
He told her he went to primary school with three boys who were also going to Hogwarts. He said they were the best of friends and then, sensing she had no one else to sit with, he led her to crowded compartment. Quickly, he introduced them. James Potter. Sirius Black. And Peter Petigrew.
Taking one look at Potter the girl knew that he was not your normal boy. He was charming, silly, cool. Too cool for me, she immediately thought and then mentally kicked herself. The way he looked at her, those lively eyes, she knew she was in big trouble. He was much too charming, he could sweep her off her feet and then break her heart. Break her heart so much...she was scared, nervous, worried, and she looked it.
"Hello," she said quietly. "Thank you for allowing me to sit with all of you."
The boys were quiet and Black immediately spoke up, "why don't you sit here? Right next to me?"
Remus scowled at him and Black quickly took back his statement, "never mind. Umm. James' owl is sitting right here actually, isn't she James? Why don't you hand her to me?" He was a very bad actor.
"I think Lily should sit next to me," James said, "here's my owl, Sirius."
"Thanks for the owl, James." Sirius said unable to contain his laughter.
Remus scowled again and Lily looked confused. "I'll sit with whoever I please," was all she said, sounding more braver then she felt.
"Thank you," Remus whispered as she plopped down next to him.
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The rest of the trip to Hogwarts Remus and Lily became aquatinted. She asked him about his life and couldn't help but notice how quiet he was. How utterly heartbreaking it was just looking at him. He was one of those boys.
"Well, uh, I live with my Mother and my Father and my sister, Cassie. Cassie's nine and in love with Sirius. I do not want my sister dating Sirius."
Lily laughed and without beating around the bush she said, "you have a secret."
"Do I?" He said looking surprised and maybe a bit startled.
"Yes, yes, you do. Do you want to tell me?"
"No."
"You don't have to, I know how it feels...you know, like you're this awful horrid person. You're not, Remus. You're lovely."
He went very quiet.
"Thank you."
"Don't say thank you, I wasn't trying to be kind."
"What's your life story?"
"Well, I live with my Mother and my Father and my sister Petunia. Petunia's the favorite. It's as though we're princesses and she's the best and I'm the leftover one. I come from a muggle family, they don't understand. I don't blame them, it is too odd."
He smiled, "you're honest."
"You have to be in this world."
"You'll get hurt for being so honest."
"Everyone gets hurt sometimes."
"Have you ever been hurt? Like, really hurt? Wanting to die kind of hurt?"
"No."
"I have."
They were very quiet for a very long time. She read through one of her new spell books, and ate a pumpkin pasty. He wrote a letter to his Mother, telling him he was safely on the train, and then he thought about his life.
It was hard for an eleven year old to vocalize just how she felt. There were no real words, and Lily if had a part of this at eleven she would have said...there's something about Remus that just kills me, you know? It's not about looks, or charm. It's just real. He's so lovely, so quiet, so sad. He is not as alive as I am.
She would not have said she was falling in love with him, even if it was true.
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As the years wore on, it became more obvious that James Potter was putting on the charm for Evans. He was disappointed she seemed not to care. She found James a 'silly little twit' and not worth her time. She admitted he was kind and flattering for the ego. He was even smart and talented. But he was not Remus and he would not do. He was just a boy, never mind that they were only thirteen.
As the years wore on, Remus and Lily spent more time together. Walking around the grounds, studying in the library, playing chess in the common room, talking in the kitchens. They talked of everything. Careers, future, life, family, magic, and friends. They shared philosophies and talked about religion and God. Remus was certain of his belief in God, Lily was doubtful and subtly rebellious.
"And so you believe that? In God? Oh, Remus, you're such a sad little boy."
"I do indeed."
"How?"
"You don't have to see it, you don't even have to feel it in order to know it. I just know it."
Lily did not quite understand and she rolled her eyes."Mummy's Catholic, so is Petunia and Daddy...but I will never be Catholic."
"So you think this is it? You are living on this beautiful earth and someday you will die and everything will be over? Like a snap of the fingers?"
She shrugged. "I think everything ends. I think we will end, and more people will begin. I think James will stop loving me eventually, and I think soon I will be a thing of the past. I think stuff ends, Remus. I think life ends, I think somethings are what they are."
"Somethings are," he said quietly, "but somethings, like love...don't end."
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For believing."
--
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They had an unbreakable bond. The best of friends. Sirius, James, and Peter did not understand. Lily could be friends with whomever she pleased, she could be the picture of popularity, she could be on James arm, and she could be perfect. She chose not to. She sacrificed her perfect marks for skipping class with Remus and sacrificed her popularity for hanging out with her best friend. And it wasn't noble...and she didn't do it to be noble, she did it because he was her best friend and that is what one does for one's best friend. They were a sight for sore eyes.
Lily, with jumping green eyes, long messy red hair, and sweaters too big for her. Remus, with watery blue eyes, wavy brown hair, and silly hats. They were so strange, so odd. When Lily and Remus, walked into the common room one day James referred to them as the "rejects" and Lily laughed and did not mind.
And rejects they were indeed.
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"Went to a party last night, Remus," she commented one day.
"Did you? I thought you were a reject?" He laughed.
"It does one good to hang out with the populars for a bit, you think?"
"They must see a lot of potential in you," he teased.
"Yeah, but I don't want 'em. I just want you."
"They'll get to you someday."
"What the heck do you mean by that?" She quickly got defensive and glared at him as he looked away from her glare.
"You'll be popular, loved. You'll be a Princess. Lily Anne Potter..."
"I don't believe in marriage," she said coolly, "I don't believe in it one bit."
"You'll even forget about me someday."
"What do you mean, how could you...?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."
"Oh, you didn't mean it, did you? You didn't mean it, just like James didn't mean it when..."
"Be quiet. I'm not James. I'm Remus, and I love you."
She was very quiet, "you...you?"
"Love you, yeah."
"I love you too."
And he kissed her.
--
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Her fifth year and sixth year were the best. They were spent with Remus. Talking and laughing, holding hands, swimming in the lake. These were the days when she read romance novels and gossiped with the girls. She was truly in love with Remus Wilson Lupin, and she was so happy to be with him. He was so lovely, so sweet, kind, caring, careful.
He told her she was beautiful. Stunning. Lovely. A great girl. Brilliant. Understanding. Wise. He listened to her when she spoke, and he began opening up more to her as well. He told her about being a werewolf, and she cried one tear for him. She said it must've been hard and lonely, and he nodded. More and more she told him about her family, how hard it was sometimes, hard and lonely.
James saw them together sometimes. Looking so happy, so happy, as he sat there miserable and alone. He still had quidditch, and his best friends, but he missed the friendship with Lily that he once thought they'd have. He wrote home to his loving family and older brother frequently and spent more time in Hogsmeade. And everyone said James Potter was so lucky.
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"What do you think being seventh years will be like?" She asked Remus as she took a big bite out of a ham sandwich.
He shrugged, "dunno."
"I'm happy to get out of here," was all she said with a frown disguised as a smile.
"Why?"
"We're not eleven anymore. We're getting older, growing up. I'm not a child. I mean, this school is so filled with stupid rules. I hate it. I mean, most of the time, you know. The people. They're...you know, stupid."
"Stupid, huh?"
"Well, yeah. Everyone wants me to be popular, Remus. I'm not stuck up it's just true...I feel like I'm on a radio show and James and I are the stars and everyone wants us to love each other. I don't love him and I can't help it."
"He's a good man."
"So are you," she smiled, "so are you. I just don't love him. He's perfect, but I don't love him, do you know what I mean? Everyone wants us to be together forever, everyone loves us...I don't know why, I'm just Lily. I'm not popular, I'm not fun, I'm not cute. I'm just Lily. I'm boring, and snotty, and I have messy hair."
"You're lovely."
"I'm not trying to be modest."
"James is a good man. He'd take good care of you."
"So what?"
"It's just true, isn't it?"
"It's not true, Remus. It's bull. All they feed me is bull 'oh you and James, so perfect, so young.' Oh, whatever. I don't know who decided that for me. 'Oh, he's such a Prince.' James, a prince? What are they smoking? 'James loves you, you're silly not to love him back. He has loved you for so long.'I'm sorry, I don't love James, I am incapable of loving James. I love you, and I'll love you forever. They'll have to kill me before I marry that slime."
"Don't call James slime."
"Don't tell me what to do, Remus."
He smiles and she hugs him, "I'll be happy to get out of here," she whispers, "we can go to London and get a flat and work for our supper. I don't care. Anything to get out of this place."
"You'll be sorry when you're out of here," he says, but she can't hear him, she's too busy crying on his shoulder. She doesn't cry much, but when she does they're big tears and they last for a very long time.
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The summer after sixth year proved to be a tough one.
Remus rarely owled Lily, which angered her to no end. When he did owl her, all he said was how his friendship with Sirius, James, and Peter was breaking. "Then leave me," she said once, feeling as though he was blaming her for everything. "Leave me." He did not, of course. His Father had died in June, and the funeral was painful. Times were hard.
Lily's life was not going too well either. Petunia was, as always, the perfect Princess her parents always dreamed of. Lily felt more isolated and away from her family, rarely coming downstairs. Her Mother, Olivia, died in August leaving Lily's controlling father and her sister left. She missed Remus, and feared Remus did not miss her.
I'm sorry to inform you that when seventh year started, all the bonds they had tried so hard to form, broke very very quickly.
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James was, at the start of seventh year, very zealous to win Lily over. He brought her flowers, chocolates, tried more often to start conversation with her. The crowd was more and more eager to see them get together. Lily got comments daily how it was a waste she was with Remus, and would be much better with James. How lucky she was such a fine boy likedher.
Remus did one of his favorite things, he became indifferent. He became cold, quieter, more depressed. He spent his time in his dormitory drawing eagles or reading, or eating chicken noodle soup. When Lily would talk to him he would shrug. Due to their course schedules they were both very busy with classes that would prep them for universities.
Lily was hurt the most. She felt deeply sad that Remus was so, utterly and blatantly sad. She knew he didn't want to get hurt, and he didn't want to see her hurt and he seemed to understand that her fate was with James. She had fought so hard for him.
At seventeen, they were no longer children and they could not react like children. But they did anyway. Lily turned to whining and complaining, being obnoxious, sarcastic, rolling her eyes, and doing better in school. Remus turned to doing worse in school, better in drawing, better at hiding his feelings, and being colder than ice towards Lily.
At seventeen, life was difficult. Sometimes, Lily blamed the war. Sometimes, she blamed the people. Sometimes James. Sometimes Remus. Usually herself.
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"Don't wanna talk anymore?" She addressed him in a would-be cool tone, drowned out only by her sadness.
"I never said that," Remus commented immaturely. She stared at him, hard. Forcing him to look back at her.
"You never said it but you wanted to. You wanted to say you still love me, and you're sorry everyone's so nosy. You wanted to say James is slime, James doesn't deserve me. You wanted to tell me I'm odd and beautiful. And you wanted to tell me you're sorry we're getting so grown up."
He was very quiet, and briefly annoyed she read him so well.
"Sometimes, I did," he said truthfully.
"You're just tired of being hurt, of loving someone so much. Well, get over it. Sometimes, people get hurt. Sometimes, they trust too much. Sometimes, they're sad and sometimes they're sorry. Sometimes they do bad things and make mistakes. But I will not hurt you Remus, and you don't have to be scared."
"Thank you," he said quietly.
"I love you," she said stoically, "that's what people when they love each other do." She was very tempted to add 'duh' with it, but decided against it.
"I'm sorry I've been withdrawn."
"Don't be sorry, just kiss me and tell me you love me."
"I love you," he said. And he kissed her.
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It was no one's fault. It was without fault. It was just sad.
Lily and Remus, even after making up grew further apart. Time seemed to tear at their souls and Remus was not the same person he was at fifteen. He was more grown up, more mature, more scared of being hurt. She hated him for being so smart, and reasonable, and resigning himself to fate.
Being fifteen was the best time of her life. Laughing and talking, hanging out, holding hands, jumping, just being children. She loved their long talks, and Remus' ideas on philosophy. Remus seemed to have changed, and she couldn't put her finger on it.
On February, 15th the two split up. It was Lily's birthday and a big fight was started.
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"We can go to Hogsmeade...get a little cake, celebrate," she suggested after dinner in the Great Hall.
"I've really got to get back to my dormitory, study for that exam on Tuesday," he said earnestly, not wanting to make her angry.
"You don't have time for me?" She said, already getting angry. "I'm your girlfriend, aren't I? I'm the one you're kissing, I'm the one you love, I'm your best friend. Can't you just study later?"
"Look, it's a really big test. You know..."
"No, I don't know. Maybe everyone's right about you. Maybe you never loved me, maybe you just needed someone...anyone, maybe you were always jealous of James."
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said, "you're different, Lily. I'll tell them, everything. I'll tell them everything you said about your family and how hated you are. I'll tell them, I swear I will."
"You pig! You wouldn't dare. I'll tell them you're a werewolf. Tell them you used me. I always loved James, that's what I'll tell them. Do not even try me, Remus."
"You'd use that against me?"
"You better believe it! You wanna use my family against me I'll use anything I can, just to hurt you. I don't care. You hate me."
"I never said that."
"You're just angry, you just think you're gonna have to join that stupid war."
"I would not mind fighting for my country," he said solemnly but not really believing any of it, "look if James is who you want I say go for it. I don't care."
"If you loved me, you would care."
"All right, I guess I don't love you then."
They had gotten so bitter, so angry. Their voices were so loud she was sure they'd wake someone up. Her eyes filled with his tears as his did the same. They were stressed, angry, uptight. She thought he'd hit her, or that she'd hit him.
"You take that back!"
"I'll do nothing of the sort."
"Tomorrow, I will speak to James about taking him up on his offer to go to Hogsmeade. Wanna know what James got me for my birthday? Two green beaded bracelets he made himself and a chocolate cake he baked. James must love me."
"Oh, I'm sure!" Remus stated sarcastically.
"You're gonna regret this, you know that, don't you?"
"I don't care, I'm sick of you."
"I'm going to bed."
"Have fun."
"You be quiet. You better go study for your potions test, huh?"
"I'm going to, thank you for caring so much about my marks."
She ran up to her dormitory and slammed the door. Hard.
--
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She was not sure she wanted to speak to James the next day. She cried herself to sleep that night (and the night after, and the night after that...) her voice hoarse from yelling. She didn't know how things got so bad between her and Remus, and why he no longer loved her, and why she still loved him.
It stunned her that two people could so quickly grow apart, as though they never knew each other. The gossip and talk was getting to both of them, and she didn't know why. She cursed the fact that James talked about her to everyone else so much, and that everyone wanted them to love each other. She didn't know why they chose her, why she was so strangely popular. The muggle and the pureblood, oh, it'd be beautiful.
Once during the night she was tempted to go into his dorm room, tell him how sorry she was. How bloody sorry she was for opening her mouth. But she was not. She was mad he wasn't there for her, mad he wasn't willing to fight for her, and mad he did not owl her during the summer. She was bitter and felt more like killing him in his sleep than apologizing. She would not apologize.
Once during the night, he was tempted to go into Lily's dorm room, tell her how sorry he was. How bloody sorry he was for opening his mouth. But he was not. He was mad that James was so good at quidditch and so charming. He was angry Lily knew him so well. He was bitter and felt more like never speaking to her than apologizing. He would not apologize.
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On the last day of Hogwarts, James and Lily were getting ready to start their life together. They were engaged and she had the most beautiful ring. They were both excited to be out of Hogwarts, and get their little flat somewhere around the Leaky Cauldron. Lily's family was happy she'd finally made something of herself and James' parents loved Lily like their own daughter. They had been together since April first. James felt so lucky, and Lily felt privileged to be James Potter's girlfriend. She attended every quidditch match, though not really caring about quidditch. She preferred philosophy.
On the last day of Hogwarts, alone, Remus packed his things into his large trunk. Quills, old love letters from Lily, his Hogwarts sweaters, his black pants, his robes, his books, cigarette boxes, everything that mattered. He was quiet and when the boys he shared the dorm with came in he was quiet, addressing them only with a hello. These past few months had been difficult. He attended his classes, only half there, and got through with decent marks. He took long walks around the grounds alone and he seemed much like a ghost. He drew often and ate chicken noodle soup. He preferred philosophy.
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Lily was on her way to the common room when she bumped into a familiar face. His nose was stuck in a book, and her eyes were on her wedding ring.
"I'm so sorry, Madam..." he said, unsure of who she was at first. Then he caught a glimpse of her eyes and was certain who she was. She looked at him and forced him to meet her eyes. She gave him a hard stare, but he looked at his feet.
"It's no problem, Remus," she said quietly, "we weren't paying attention."
"That's a real nice ring," he said, "very good looking."
"Me or the ring?" She teased, forgetting she hated him, also forgetting how much she missed him.
"You moreso than the ring," he commented as he snapped his book shut.
"James has very good taste," was all she said about that. "How you been?"
"Yeah, okay, yeah."
"You don't look it."
She was right. He looked frail and thin, his brown hair wispy and his blue eyes watery as usual.
"I know, I don't."
"Don't think about the past, Remus. Be happy you're alive and young."
"I'm sorry," he said, sounding like a child, "just really sorry."
"Don't say that now," she said coldly , "I am beginning a new life. My life with James."
"That doesn't mean I'm not sorry," he said, this time his voice stronger.
He reached out and took her hand. He felt her cold, small hand in his big one and gently squeezed it. She squeezed back, trying not to let tears fall down her face but failing. His eyes met hers and she looked away.
"I'm sorry too," she said as he moved closer. She became slightly worried he may do something silly like kiss her and she stepped away from him.
"Please don't go away," he said, "I'm still Remus and you're still Lily and I still love you."
"You're wrong,"she said, "I have to go pack. I procrastinate too much."
He smiled, remembering her old habit, "yes, you do."
"Thank you for...for this," she said and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for loving me when no one else did."
"Any time, kid, any time," he said with a weak smile.
She walked past him briskly, tears streaming down her face, her book bag hanging from her shoulder. He looked at her once more and sighed, unable to contain his tears.
--
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Lily Anne Potter, the gravestone read.
Lily Anne Potter, lived a short life.
Lily Anne Potter, was his love, his life, his past.
He kneeled by her gravestone, feeling suddenly silly. She had never believed in God but had died a Catholic. He said a short prayer, made the sign of the cross and kissed the gravestone.
He touched James' gravestone. He was very quiet and said a short prayer about his good friend. He pulled his cloak tighter around him as the wind picked up. It seemed as though the war would never end.
He was very sorry and he looked at her gravestone and pictured her face. Crazy green eyes, messy red ringlets, a tiny nose. She had been so young and so treasured. She had gotten only two years with James and seven years being his best friend. Suddenly he felt very blessed. He was sorry pride got in the way of their relationship, sorry she was so sharp, sorry he was as well. He was sorry for being withdrawn and sorry for her, sorry she was so feisty. He missed her, missed her these years after Hogwarts.
He began walking away from their gravestones. His boots trampled on wet grass and dusty dirt.
There were no words. No flowers.
--
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...terrible twelve year olds...
"Remus, if you read me phoney poetry one more time I swear I'll kill you!"
"It's not phoney or corny! It's romantic!"
"Not to me! To me romantic is having snowball fights and eating chocolate frogs!"
"That is not romantic you cow!"
"Did you just call me a cow?"
"Uhuh!"
"That is not romantic Remus Wilson Lupin!"
"I didn't want it to be! Cow cow cow cow cow!"
"Oh my god, you're gonna make me cry."
"Yeah bloody right."
"You're right, I think it's kinda funny too...wait, don't tackle me! I'm trying to read!"
"What? Poetry?"
"Never!"
"You're a stubborn girl, Lily."
"I know. I'm bad."
"Nah. Lovely."
"Sometimes. Hey Remus?"
"Yeah?"
"Love ya."
"Right back at you."
--
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End.