snowfall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Snowfall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ken sat on the narrow windowsill in his room, leaning against the cold glass, his body heat melting the delicate lacework of frost. One leg was drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped around it tightly, chin resting on his knee.

As he stared absently out the window, the snow began to fall, blanketing the outside world in unforgiving white.

Damn, Aya. I don't know why I even bother - it's not like he listens.

Even as those words formed in his mind, Ken knew they were false. That he was incapable of giving up on the redhead, for the same reasons that Omi hadn't given up on him or Yohji.

We're family. Family takes care of its own.

A flicker of motion from the corner of his eye caught Ken's attention, and he leaned closer to the window, squinting a little as he made out a familiar form standing motionless in the snowfall.

Frowning, Ken slowly unwrapped his arms from around his leg. Omi and Yohji had gone to sleep over an hour ago; he had heard them whispering to each other before the doors to their bedrooms clicked shut softly.

Only now did he realize that he had never heard Aya's soft tread, or the sound of his door being shut behind him.

Almost against his will, Ken rose smoothly to his feet, taking a step towards his own door, when something made him stop.

Turning back to the window, he cocked his head to one side as he regarded the slender figure. Dark eyes widened slightly as Aya raised his arms to his side and threw his head back, as though entreating the heavens for mercy, or forgiveness.

There was something in that stance that caused a deep, painful ache in Ken's chest. Such misery, so much pain.

And yet, none of those emotions ever showed, carefully reigned in behind that uncaring mask, trapped in a cage of the redhead's own making.

Sighing, Ken settled back in his seat on the windowsill, watching Aya, and wondering what was going on in his head. It was strange, he'd never done anything like this before, but for some reason - for Aya - he did.

He remembered the flash of hurt in the redhead's eyes, the way Aya had seemed to shut down, almost as though he'd been telling himself that it didn't matter. That nothing mattered - and that had hurt.

It had hurt more than knowing his life was expendable, that Kritiker could pick any poor bastard they wanted to take his place. It hurt more than knowing that he had nothing else but this life, the killing, the fear that was a part of it, and the darkness.

To know that someone he cared for was so badly hurt that he no longer thought anything mattered...it hurt like nothing else could.

The worst part of it was, Ken didn't know what else he could do. He had tried giving Aya the time he needed to adjust to life as an assassin, he'd tried talking to him as a friend, and earlier tonight, he'd tried confronting him - but nothing had worked.

So what do you do when someone refuses to listen? What do you do when someone's given up?

"You try harder."

Startled out of his thoughts by the quietly spoken words, Ken whirled, losing his balance in the process and landing in an undignified heap on the floor.

Face heating with embarrassment, he looked up through his unruly bangs to see Omi grinning down at him, blue eyes unreadable, a hand outstretched.

"Crap. I said that out loud, didn't I?"

Omi laughed softly, the sound a soothing balm to Ken's ruffled dignity. Taking the proffered hand, he pulled himself to his feet with the younger boy's help.

Wordlessly, Ken watched as Omi moved to stand by the window, gazing down on the lone figure, a thoughtful look on his face.

"Ken-kun, why do you try so hard, when you get nothing in return?"

Startled by the question, Ken opened his mouth to offer a reply, and then promptly shut it again. It was a good question - a damned good one. Why did he try so goddamned hard when Aya never seemed to acknowledge his efforts? Aside from striding off in an impressive huff of dark importance and brooding mysteriousness when things became too uncomfortable for him, that was.

Turning away from the window, Omi gave Ken a searching look that startled the older boy. He'd never seen Omi this determined, this serious - not even while on a mission. It was rather...unnerving.

"I...Omi, I don't know why. I just know I have to - no, I need to."

For a long moment, they stood in the darkened room, enveloped in a comfortable silence forged by a friendship strong enough to withstand all trials that came their way.

"They say that wanting a thing, and needing a thing are two different matters entirely, Ken-kun. To want something is something everyone can see, but to need something - that's something that only you can know. Ask yourself this, Ken-kun, how badly do you need this? How badly do you need to reach Aya-kun?"

Ken froze, startled by Omi's words - and the sense they made.

"More than anything, Omi. I see him hurting, and it kills me inside to know he won't let me help. That he won't let anyone help."

A wry smile crossed the younger boy's face at his words, blue eyes lighting up with amusement.

"So now you know what it feels like, Ken-kun. But what are you going to do about it?"

Ken stared at Omi, reading the hurt buried deep in the blue eyes, beneath the cheerful exterior, beneath the bright smile he'd taken for granted for so long.

"Omi - "

The younger boy cut him off with a look, the corner of his mouth curving upwards slightly.

"It's in the past, Ken-kun, and no matter how hard you try, you can't change that. You can only go on from there."

Somehow, Ken believed Omi's words. Instinct told him that he shouldn't, but looking deeper into those eyes, he knew that Omi had meant what he'd said. Not that the hurt wasn't there - because he could still clearly see it - but there was nothing to be done about it now. Nothing that could erase the pain.

But maybe that was the point? Life wasn't meant to be easy. It, more like an obstacle course, filled with pitfalls and setbacks. It was the strong ones that trudged through those traps and climbed over the stumbling blocks that survived. And even then, merely surviving wasn't enough. It was the ones like Omi, which survived - and flourished - despite what had been thrown at them.

"But what do I do? I've tried everything I can think of, Omi, and it doesn't work. Nothing works. It's like he's a goddamned ice-sculpture, only he never melts."

Omi smiled sadly, walking towards Ken until they were barely a foot apart. Looking up into the older boy's face, Omi's eye narrowed, and Ken resisted the urge to draw away from his intense scrutiny.

"Never is a long time, Ken-kun. And no matter what you may think, you are affecting Aya-kun. He's changed since he's joined us, and it's because you care enough to do something. He listens to you, Ken-kun, not Yohji or me. And besides, the only things that are truly worthwhile are always worth the wait, ne?"

Moved by Omi's words, Ken pulled the smaller boy into a bone-crushing embrace, burying his face in the golden hair, and trying not to smile too much at Omi's muffled protests.

Freeing himself, Omi mock-glared up at Ken, the look in his eyes belying his scowl. Ken's lips twitched as he tried - and failed miserably - to hide his amusement.

Sighing, Omi offered a small smile of his own as he looked at Ken.

"Don't give up, ne Ken-kun? You might be closer than you realize."

Smiling, Ken reached out to ruffle the disheveled hair, a moment too late, as Omi ducked under his arm and moved out of range. Hesitating at the door, his hand resting on the doorknob, Omi glanced over his shoulder at Ken, eyes questioning.

Ken's smile widened as he marveled at the fact that he should have friends such as this. If there was one thing that he didn't regret, it was coming to know Omi and Yohji. Even Aya. They were his friends, his family, and really, what family wasn't a little dysfunctional?

"Oi, get some sleep, Omi. Yohji'll kill me if he finds out I kept you up all night talking."

Ken laughed as Omi blushed before darting out of the room, closing the door softly after himself. Shaking his head, Ken walked back to the window, staring out at the dark figure framed in a landscape of white.

I won't give up on you, Aya. Even if it takes me the rest of my life, I'll keep trying.

Outside, the snow continued to fall, covering the world, and all its sins in silence. One last glimpse of peace before the sun rose to dispel the momentary illusion.