Dealing With A Past That Never Was
Trinity jumped upright in her hard bed, sweat drenching her clothes in spite of the cold interior of the Nebekenezer. The sweat dripping down her face was accompanied by tears though she didn't realize she was crying. Images of the nightmare still burned in her memory, demanding her fear and not releasing her attention. She was still gasping from it's intensity, though a thought escaped to think of not waking Neo lying next to her in the bed.
The thought was in vain, for soon Neo was sitting up alongside her, concern showing in his eyes, sparing his usually emotion face from bleakness.
"Trin, what's wrong?"
Trinity flashed a smile, deciding not to wipe away the tears in the off chance that he wouldn't be able to see them in the dark. "Nothing, I'm fine. Just a little trouble sleeping. Go back to bed. You're only invincible in the matrix; you still need you're sleep in the real world."
The real world
. Trinity told herself. This is the real world. Not some silly dream. It can't touch me here. Get over it Trinity, just get over it. Get over it!The brief pep talk seemed to help, for the next smile she gave Neo felt more convincing. "Honestly, go back to sleep. I'm fine."
"'I'm fine'?" Neo asked, with a tone that made it clear his eyebrow was raised in doubt. "I think that's the line I used on my mom when I came home from school after getting beat up and finding out I was flunking gym and having my lunch money stolen. I used the same tone of voice too. Nice try Trin. Did you have a nightmare?"
Trinity frowned at Neo, though she realized it did little good in the darkness. "Of course not. I'm a little old to be having trouble with the dark, Neo. We really should go back to bed before Morpheus wakes us up and we loose sleep."
"I may have spent all my time on computers, but that doesn't mean I didn't pick up a few things about humans." Neo said softly, brushing away a glistening tear from her cheek. "You can tell me, you know. About the nightmare. I wouldn't laugh or anything. Maybe it will help. And don't deny that you had a nightmare. If you had jumped any higher you would have hit the ceiling."
Trinity smiled tersely. "There's nothing to help. My bad dreams are all related to my life in the matrix. And technically that life never existed, so there's nothing to help."
Neo grimaced at her words but said nothing for a moment. "How often to you have nightmares? And please don't lie to me trinity. With the matrix in existence I think we've all had enough lies to last a lifetime."
Her eyes having adjusted to the darkness, Trinity could now see the outlines of his face, and see his brown eyes. "I don't really keep track. Maybe once a week or so. They aren't usually so intense. I'm sorry I woke you."
Neo shook his head at the apology, surprised to hear it. "Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. What happened in the nightmare?"
Trinity looked away from him. "I was serious about getting sleep Neo. We have a lot to deal with tomorrow, if we're to get to Zion on schedule."
"Maybe you'll find everything easier to deal with if you deal with your past first."
Trinity shook her head. "There's nothing to deal with. It never happened. The matrix isn't real, it can't tell you who you are. It wasn't real, Neo, it was nothing. Just some code created by machines. It never happened."
Neo sighed. "Trinity, what happened to you in the matrix? You can tell me, nothing bad will happen, I promise."
"But you can't promise that." She whispered softly. "And it doesn't matter, because nothing real happens in the matrix. It's not real."
"Sometimes it's real enough. And it was real, before Morpheus freed us. And I can promise nothing bad will happen. I won't let it."
"And what if you make it happen?" Trinity asked, her voice sad. "If I told you . . . Neo, You are the One, and you know I love you. The oracle prophesized I would, and you know I love you. But if I tell you . . . no one said you had to love me back . . . "
"Trinity, trinity, trinity." Neo said with a sigh, wrapping his arms around her. "Of course I love you back. I love you so much I want to help you, want you to never be sad again. Whatever is troubling you can be dealt with. Maybe you just can't do it alone."
"Pretty pathetic, isn't it? I can't even deal with my own false memories all by myself. I'm unfit to be second in command. I can't even deal with a nothingness that never happened."
Neo kissed her forehead. "You're not pathetic. I'm proud to serve under you. I'm proud to follow your orders. I'm proud to be in love with you. Tell me what happened to make you so sad. I will love you no matter what."
Trinity looked at him for a moment before closing her eyes. It was too good to be true. He probably wouldn't love her afterwards, knowing what she had been like. But perhaps it was only fair. It almost didn't seem right, keeping something like this from someone who was supposed to love her for all of her being, even the part of her she hated.
Trinity took in a deep breath. "I was a coward in the Matrix. I ran from everything, into the safety of cyberspace. But sometimes I just couldn't run far enough. Not from him. He'd always find me, and I was too afraid to try to stop him. Too afraid to stand up to him. Even when my mom could, even when she took my punishment for herself. She was so brave, I don't understand how I could be so helpless against him. She protected me from so much of him." The words were pouring out of her now, Trinity couldn't help but keep going.
"And then she left me. There was so much blood. I tried to hold a towel to her wrists, but it was too late. He was so angry, when he found her. I thought I was going to die, the look in his eyes made my blood freeze. Afterwards, I hurt so much I couldn't breathe. 12 ribs shattered, three fractures in my right arm, four – but it doesn't matter. It wasn't real. Morpheus was real, and with him I fled the matrix. I ran away again. But it's okay this time, because now I know it didn't really happen. I can't let the matrix make me Neo. In the real world I am strong and confident and I don't run from problems. So why do I have so much trouble dealing with something that never happened?"
Neo felt tears stinging his eyes. "You're father beat you." He stated simply, still in disbelief. "Jesus Christ, Trinity. Of course you can't deal with that alone. God, what were you afraid I'd think of you? It must have taken so much courage to have lived through that-"
Trinity shook her head. "No, I was a coward. I let my mom take my punishment, I ran away, I hid in my closet with my computer."
"You're not a coward and you never were. You were a child. Children aren't supposed to have to live through those situations. It's not fair that you had to. You deserve so much better. It's not you're fault any of that happened. And you shouldn't expect yourself to be able to deal with all that alone. That's one of the reasons falling in love is so good; you can share past pain to make it easier as well as share happiness. And don't say it wasn't real; it was very real for a very long time. Jesus, you deserved so much better."
Trinity looked up at him through blurred vision. The question hovered in her mind, and she almost didn't dare to ask it. "So you still – you still love me?"
Neo wrapped his arms around her tightly. "Of course I still love you. If possible, even more than before. And I promise we'll make this better for you. I'll help you deal with this completely, so it can't haunt your dreams anymore."
Trinity smiled – sincerely this time. "Good. Because I'd rather be dreaming about you."