Author: Laumae Email: Category/Pairings: Romance, Sam/Jack. Tragedy, character death, song fic Season: in the future, none of season eight happened nor did anything after heroes.
Rating: pg Content Warnings: minor graphics Summary: Jack is murdered in front of Sam, five years later she is still trying to cope.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, names, titles, they belong to mgm, gekko, etc.
Author's Note: Character death. no full fledged flames please. thanks to Caybalina and Cathain Nottingham for catching my mistakes, and correcting them, also known as betaing. lol. If you want me to respond to your email please email me from your email account not fanfiction's review. thanks

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Sam awoke feeling anguished. Today was going to be a bad day. She had them occasionally, and everyone around her accepted them with out question. Only two of her friends knew the reason for her mourning, and the rest were just so used to it they didn't care why. Five years ago today was when it happened- when Jack died.

She rolled over trying to make the pain go away. A flash back siezed her. She was in the battle field barely able to stand , fighting to get back to the gate, then she saw it, Jack was hit in the head. He fell instantly. She called to him, and collapsed. Sam screamed.

She sat there trying to concentrate, trying to wake herself from this nightmare. She hugged herself, unwillingly recalling how this happened. It was a standard meet and greet. They were going to exchange food and medical supplies for naquadah from a less advanced species when they were suddenly bombarded by a goa'uld ha'tak in orbit. They were surrounded, they had no where to go. Sam and Jack fought to get to the gate but it was hopeless, Jaffa were attacking them from all sides. Teal'c and Daniel made it, with no problem, or relatively none, but Jack had been killed, and she had seen it. The love of her life and been shot through the head, and she saw it. She instantly fell and called for him, trying to crawl to him. She reached him and cradled his remains. She was horrified, she couldn't stop shaking. A goa'uld approached her.

She stood tall and shouted to him, " Kill me!" She sobbed, begging this monster to ease her suffering, but instead he laughed wickedly at her. Rings surrounded her; she became a prisoner of Anubis. She had been trapped for months on his ship, tortured and then revived countless times. When she was finally rescued she was so screwed up inside she didn't even recognize Daniel or Teal'c. She was scared of everyone, scared they would kill her, just like everyone else. She was constantly plagued by flash backs, she watched Jack die thousands of times. Screaming in exactly the same way each time.

After three months of being on base, and basically wandering around the entire time. General Hammond ordered something to be done. Sam couldn't think straight, she wasn't a scientist any longer and she was terrified of everyone. He left the decision to Daniel and Teal'c about what to be done.

The next morning, as always, Sam sat alone in the comissary fighting back flashbacks and chatting with an imaginary Jack in her head. He was the only person she trusted, and he wasn't even real. She knew she needed help, she knew she had lost it, and she resented everyone for it.

This particular morning Daniel sat next to her. She had had a hard time with flash backs that morning and was too tired to fight anything. Instead of talking, Daniel wrapped his arms around his hurting friend. No one had shown love to her of any kind in seven months. She collapsed in his arms, and sobbed.

Daniel started crying too. They sat there crying for at least half an hour. Sam realized that her friends still loved her,
even if Jack was gone. She still had a life worth fighting for, but she didn't want too. She wanted to curl up and die for one last time. Then Daniel said something that helped her icredibly, "Sam, we need you back. We miss you, come back to us."

She had fought herself everyday since, she had foght to regain her sanity and suceeded, for the most part. A day never passed when she didn't ache for Jack to come walking through the door, but she knew that people needed her so she would struggle to stay sain. She struggled with depression and had eventually had to go on some heavy antipsicotic meadicine. A year after Jack had died, she met a some one new, a little girl who needed her more than anyone else.

There had been another battle, but not as bad. One of the men in the battle who had died had a wife and a newly born daughter at home. When news of her husband's death hit her, she went through the same thing Sam did, only coupled with a terrible illness. She refused to eat, she refused to drink. A week after complete misery she died with her baby in her arms in the infirmary. Sam had taken a special interest in her, having gone through the same thing. When the mother had stopped producing sufficient milk (three days after not eating) Sam took the child into her own care. She grew to love the child intensely, and after her mother's death, she took her as her own daughter. Grace, as she was named, was only a month old when Sam adopted her. She was now four years old, and Sam worked part time as a scientist again at the SGC to spend as much time as possible with her.

She had finally regained control of her mental abilities and had started to become the old Sam they all missed. She suffered flash backs not nearly as often, and could write coherent papers again. She opened her eyes, and came back to reality. She was alive now, and she had to stay that way for sweet little Grace. She looked up and saw that Grace was at the door, staring at her.

"Hey sweetie." Sam said trying not to cry.

"Mommy what's wrong?" She asked innocently. Sam broke down, and gave in to the tears. It had been five years but she missed Jack more than ever. He would've been a great dad for Grace, but he wasn't there. Grace crawled on top of her mom's bed and held her mom's hand.

"I'm sorry," She paused trying to breathe, " I miss him, darling. I wish he were here."

"Who, mommy?" Grace asked, with her inquisitive little attitude.

"How about I make you some breakfast and I'll tell you afterwards ok?" Sam asked, her voice cracking.

"All right."

Sam tried to stand up, but was feeling very dizzy. She managed it, and lifted her daughter off the bed. Holding her hand she led her into the living room and handed her a book with lots of pictures. Sam made their breakfast and called Grace to the table. Grace was a fabulous little girl. She already read, and dressed herself. Her sense of fashion could use some help, but she was an incredibly intelligent child. She thirsted for information and, when provided, ate it greedily. Even though Sam wasn't her biological mother, she wanted to follow in Sam's footsteps and become a great scientist.

She came to the table and sat down, waiting for her mother to settle in before starting their meal. It was a silent breakfast, and Grace knew that if she asked no questions currently all her questions would be answered later. When they had finished, Grace grabbed both of the plates and forks and put them in the sink, then taking her mother's hand and leading her to the couch, she sat down and asked, "Mommy, who is he?"

Sam sighed, "He was a very good friend of mine. He was killed a year before you were born."

"Who murdered him?"

Sam wasn't sure how to respond, " You know the Goa'uld? Well, we were in a battle with them, and one of the jaffa, wich is one of their sodiers, killed him, then captured me."

"Why?"

"Because they are very bad guys."

"Did they hurt you too Mommy?"

"Yes, dear."

"What was his name?"

"Jack."

"What was his last name?"

"O'Neill. He was Colonel Jack O'Neill. You've heard of him before. He is the one they are trying to build a statue to."

"What does Colonel mean?"

"It is a title, just like doctor, for example I am Major Samantha Carter. One step below Colonel. Jack was my superior. Which means that whatever he told me to do I did."

"So your my superior?"

"In a way, yeah, very good."

"Why do you miss him?"

"Because he was my friend."

"Why?"

"He was a very good man, he served his country selflessly and gave his life in it's defense. He loved to make jokes, and it is the opinion of unkle Danny that the one thing he loved most in the world was my smile."

"Why? Why did he love your smile and not Unkle Danny's?"

"Jack loved me." She said simply. Grace looked wide eyed, her mother had been in love just like Beauty and the Beast.

"You were in love? Just like Beauty and the Beast?"

"Yes and no. I loved Jack, and I admired him very much, but it never worked out."

"Why? Love always works out."

"I wish it worked like that Grace, but it doesn't. You remember that I told you he was my superior?" Grace nodded, "Well, the Air Force has rules to protect it's members, and in my line of duty if a superior has those feelings for a subordinate it can endanger their lives. It was breaking the rules to love Jack, and in turn for him to love me. Do you understand?"

"Yes, you weren't allowed to be in love. Why would a place make rules to stop love?"

"To protect us dear, I'll try to explain when you're older." Sam said shaking her head, looking at her watch she realized they were late for day care. "Time to go." She said grabbing her and her daughter's coats. When they were all ready, they drove to the daycare. Sam got out and hugged her dear little girl and said good-bye. That was the day care where most of the children of SGC personnel went. Daniel and Sara's son went their too, up until he entered kindergarten last august. Grace missed playing with little Jack, but she had other friends. She was a very popular little girl.

Sam drove home and collapsed on the couch, pulling out her cell she called General Tress and told him she would have to stay home today. He understood and gave her leave.

Another flashback siezed her, this time of when her and Jack had been in battle together three years before he died. She had been severely injured in her right shoulder, it had barely missed her heart. Jack had screamed just like she had done, he ran to her, and brought her behind a rock for safety while fighting the remaining goa'uld. When the scourge had ended they safely returned home.

She was so drained. She turned on her CD player, seeking something to distract her. Wishing you were here came on.

You were once my one companion.
you were all that mattered.
You were once a friend and father-
then my world was shattered...

Jack had died, and left her to sink into a deep depression. Seeing him murdered put her over the edge, and she couldn't come back for a long time. He had been the only man she could love. Her life revolved around him, no matter how hard she tried to seek other avenues of life.

Wishing you were somehow here again.
wishing you were somehow near.
sometimes it seemed,
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here...

She missed him incredibly, she wanted him back in her life, in any way. She wouldn't care if it was only in her mind; she longed to see him again. She could still remember remember every line, every grey hair, and every time he smiled.

Wishing I could hear your voice again.
knowing that I never would.
Dreaming of you won't help me to do All that I dream I could...

His voice echoed in her ears, commanding, endearing, sometimes even caring. She remembered so much about him; he was almost alive to her.

Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem,for you the wrong companions-
you were warm and gentle...

The plans were already started to make a monument to Colonel Jack O'Neill in the entry way to the SGC. They had gone public by now, and the entire world knew and respected the memory of Col. O'Neill. But no matter how good of a job that they did on his statue, it could never be him. It could never catch his essence properly.

Too many years fighting back tears.
Why can't the past just die...?

Those same tears sprung to her eyes. The past lived on in her memory, and took her into it's life by violent flashbacks. Why couldn't it just leave her be, why did it continue to plague her? Why couldn't it just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again.
knowing we must say goodbye...

Even if Jack could come back again, he would have to leave again. They still couldn't ever be together. But that wasn't worth considering, she just wanted to talk to him one last time.

Try to forgive.
teach me to live.
give me the strength to try...

She fought to keep her life, she fought the lonliness that surrounded her constantly. If Jack were there he could teach her how to deal with it. He had lived through his son's death, and he knew what it felt like. He'd know what to do, and would teach her in a heart beat if he could.

No more memories,
no more silent tears.
No more gazing across the wasted years.
Help me say goodbye...

Help me say goodbye.

She sobbed. She needed to let go. Jack was gone, and yet she clung to his memory. She could see him right there, smiling, joking. But he wasn't, he would never come back. She missed him, more than ever. He would've loved Grace, he could've been a great father again. Her phone rang, but she wouldn't answer it. No matter who it was, she couldn't handle talking. She needed Jack, but she had to stay strong, for Grace. Grace needed her too, Sam was her mother. -
There will be a part two, and hopefully it will turn out happy. I am about half way done with it.