The fire. The fire is unimaginable. My eyes, wheeling wildly, struggle to focus. I see Edward, there, holding my traitorous blazing hand. Why doesn't he do something? I try to tell him about the fire in my arm, I form the words in my head, but I don't know if they actually come out of my mouth. My mind seems to be strangely disconnected from my body. I can feel the sharp flames viciously caressing my skin, the ultimate torture. They are marching, unchecked, up the length of my arm. Behind their nefarious advance they leave glowing embers that continue to smolder viciously in my veins.
My eyes refuse to stay open any longer. Edward's face disappears behind my heavy eyelids.
I am excruciatingly tired; the tenuous grasp I have on my body is failing. I can hear Edward talking to me, desperately pleading with me to look at him, to stay. I want to stay, for him, but it's hard to focus on his voice – holding on to his voice means facing the unbearable pain and I am so tired. I sense a soft, nebulous warmth creeping towards me…so comfortable and so easy. Maybe I can rest there, in the darkness, for just a moment…
The fiery anguish ebbs slightly as my racing mind eases into the tranquility of the . I feel so light. The most amazing feeling – freedom from the pain, from my body. Simultaneously terrifying and soothing. Do I fight the billowing fog? It's becoming harder to remember why I should. I command myself to concentrate. His glorious face appears in my mind. Edward. I should fight for Edward. I love him. But…I can't be sure Edward wants me - not the same way I want him, anyway. He loves me, I know, but there are so many things, so many complications…he still hides from me, just a little. I don't have all of him - how unfair, because he has every fiber of me. The thought frustrates me, even now, a nagging, aching pain in my mind and my heart, adding to my misery, pushing me unwillingly toward the solace of the void.
No! I force myself to hold on, to feel the cool pressure of his hand on mine. I must concentrate. I focus all my available energy on my eyes. I must open my eyes. Slowly, the comforting fog retreats and I am rewarded with Edward's blurry face. So beautiful…an angel. I am momentarily distracted. But the pain…my mind is quickly drawn back into the complex web of torment that my body has become. The burning is gone, but new pains are quickly making themselves known. My arm, my leg, my abdomen, my chest, my head…there are too many new flashes of pain to focus on any one in particular. Someone, presumably Carlisle, is fussing with my injuries. I feel slightly annoyed at his continual poking and tugging. Edward is speaking to me and it seems vitally important that I listen but my mind drifts. He will forgive me.
My vision, already hazy, begins to fail me again; my love's face, my only solid connection, blurs into an intangible, shadowy silhouette. I have no choice now. My eyes close of their own accord. I feel curiously hollow - the strangest feeling in the world. For a moment, the novelty of the feeling trumps the pain. I think I should struggle against it, but it feels so peaceful and anything is better than the agony. Wait…I know I am supposed to be holding on to something. My hand contracts, searching, grasping. I find nothing. What am I looking for? Lost in my bewildered mind, I don't remember.
I feel buoyant. A pleasant, almost palpable warmth steals over me: the inching vapor from before has returned. Strange, the pain is fading, slowly being replaced by a numbing sensation. It would be unsettling if it weren't such a relief. Ah. My mind relaxes. I can hear something, outside, but it is too muffled for me to understand, as if my head is underwater. I know that I should try to listen more carefully but my concern does not last long. I am too fascinated by the dark, seemingly endless depths of my mind. It is comforting here, a feeling too tempting to ignore, especially given the agonizing alternative. I don't know why I thought I should fight succumbing to something so wonderful.
Without realizing it, I slip softly into the endless black fog.