The untold story

by BMuffin

Behind the scenes of the book and movie written from Gene’s perspective about what really lead to the tree incident and what developments unfold between Gene and Finny with their blossoming romance and internal struggles, it goes beyond Finny’s death...

A SEPARATE PEACE: THE UNTOLD STORY

Author: BMuffin

Warnings: Profanity, Graphic sex, references to suicide, homophobia, anti-Semitism, Moral conflicts, and death.

Words: 17,119

Disclaimer: John Knowles Owns, A Separate Peace. I just write fan-fiction.

Rating: NC-17 Mature audiences only!

Pairing: Phineas and Gene of course 

Summery: Behind the scenes of the book and movie written from Gene's perspective about what really lead to the tree incident and what developments unfold between Gene and Finny with their blossoming romance and internal struggles, it goes beyond Finny's death to explain their lasting bond.

Author Notes: This was a work of love, since it was originally only going to be a page or two of PWP but then I was thinking there weren't enough Gene/Finny fic's so alas here are the fruits of my labor. I am addicted to feedback and it would be greatly appreciated! Enjoy the show

He and I stand away from the crowd silently watching from underneath the branches of an old oak. It's early April and the air is crisp and clear the sun is shining brightly overhead, the first signs of spring are transforming everything into a pale shade of green. We can hear the preacher reading aloud everyone's head bowed down in silent prayer. We look completely out of place here, standing in our brown coats while everyone else is the picture of night dressed black head to toe. I'm thankful for the silence between us, this moment is fragile words would only cause it to break. I can feel my composure fading as I watch my loved ones cry, I keep my eyes focused on a baby tightly wrapped in a woman's arms; slowly he takes my hand in his giving me a weak smile. To have gotten this far is amazing and nothing short of a miracle but then Finny has always been miraculous. I look up into the tall tree branches, feeling his hand pressing warmly within mine and remember how these things came to be…

I had never been sure of myself, always compensating for my poverty, for my accent and any real or imagined social faux pas that I may have done. I saw it that first day, just as the door swung open and he jumped up to greet me that spark in his eyes, it was confidence with a hint of something more I couldn't put my finger on at the time. I felt my heart jump when his eyes meet mine but I passed it off as nerves. Watching him interact with the other guys it became clear Finny prized me above the rest. Which confused me I had nothing to offer him or anyone else. I saw that spark of fire and life dance across his eyes every time he saw me, and realized by watching him he didn't see anyone else with the passion and excitement he held for me. It was startling and felt somewhat empowering to know the light of Devon dotted on me more then anyone else. I wanted nothing more then to be worthy of his praise, I felt he was seeing a perfect façade of me and feared if I didn't work to maintain it he would one day open his eyes and see me the same way everyone else did, as plain and boring. At first I thought I could use him, let some of his light pick me up, and use his influence to succeed. I was too blinded by my own foolishness to see what I had at the time.

To most anyone it would appear nothing special just a tree overhanging the lake, but to us it represented our bond. He and I were the only two brave enough to jump, Finny used it as his power over me the promise of a ritual solely ours, his dominance as our leader. I felt it as he did, the fire between us, it scared me more then anything else and yet he fascinated me, pulled me in by his infectious character. It wasn't long before he and I stopped being two separate parts and aligned in a state of comfortable emotional completion. It was small at first the changes between us, we had both gotten situated in our emotional routine feeding off of each others energy. I remember I only felt safe and at ease in his presence as if those where the only times I could relax and be myself totally at peace, we could read each others minds or so it seemed. Our eyes spoke the words neither of us could, quick glances across the room when we were in classes or with others, slight lingering hand brushes no one would take notice of. Oh we were careful both of us sure of only one thing that what we had was ours alone and no one else could or would know and understand, he belonged to me just as I belonged to him.

Sure we would get into arguments mostly at times when we knew better then to touch the other, releasing all our pent up sexual frustrations on the other in harsh words and rude remarks it helped keep us in control. The yelling it was what we had to do to prevent from getting too close and being discovered, we would yell and scream, push and fight both of us holding back with all our control, our eyes locked never leaving the others as we cut each other down, fingers twitching with need, the room feeling ten degrees too hot. Pausing once during one of our sexually restrained fights Finny stepped toward me, my fist clenched in balls as I watched our eyes never wavering from the other, he raised a lean elegant hand toward my face and I flinched back expecting to be hit. He hesitated holding his fingers mere centimeters from my face, leaning forward running his hand down my cheek slowly causing me to swallow the bulge in my pants now beginning to throb.

I pushed my face toward his hand for a moment forgetting our truce on restraint when using arguments as a diversion from our true feelings. His lips twitched into a smile as he held my face in his hand we were both just moving forward to close the gap between us when there was a sharp knock on the door. I instinctively jumped back, eyes darting toward the door in nervous silence. Finny stayed where he was hand frozen in place, the door knocked again and this time I found my voice, "Who is it?" I called praying the pounding of my heart couldn't be heard through the wooden door. "It's Brinker…You guys are okay in there right? You're not killing each other?" Finny pushed his hands in his pockets as he turned away now facing the window. "We're fine Brinker, no need to worry" answered Finny back turned from the door, his eyes fixed on the window. There was a second or two of silence where I thought for sure Brinker would come in I watched the door expectantly. "Oh alright then" he replied a moment later I heard the scuff of his shoes as he turned and walked away. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding as my body un-tensed, covering my face with my hands I closed my eyes.

"We can't go on like this" I said suddenly surprising myself, not taking my hand away from my eyes I suddenly felt very tired. From behind me I heard Finny sniff then the rustle of fabric as he started moving; I didn't want silence but a response from him. So I tried again, "Fin we need to stop this, whatever this is. We should…" suddenly cut off I felt Finny wrapping his arms around my waist and chest, his mouth by my ear, "Stop? Do you think either of us has enough control to stop…Why stop something we're not even doing?" His breath against my skin his warm arms around me I felt light headed almost dizzy with these new sensations. As much as we both felt connected so far everything between us had been emotional, we hadn't cross the line of physical because of my reluctant fears, and I had bitterly convinced myself anything more with Finny was off limits, forbidden. Having him now wrapped around me, kissing up my neck…

It felt so good, so perfect as if this was everything I had ever needed, could ever want. I should be pulling back the small rational part of my brain screamed, I should be pushing him away, but oh god it suddenly seemed all my logic and reason had jumped a train being run out of town by my desires. I held his arms and turned around, threading his fingers between mine, we both were breathing hard as I lay my head between his shoulder and neck, taking him in an embrace. I could feel his arousal pressing into my hip as I'm sure he could feel mine. I felt his hand pull away from mine as he began trailing his hand up under my shirt, my skin tingled under his touch just as I started to move slightly to give him better access, just then the dinner bells began ringing. We both sighed, before pulling back. Straightening my shirt Finny stood at the door as we both moved to exit he looked over his shoulder smiling at me and said quietly, "This is just the beginning" I stopped in the doorway watching as he ran off down the hall leaping over Brinker's back and laughing at Brinker's surprised yelp. I grinned to myself as I proceeded to walk down the hall after them.

Things between Finny and I slowly began changing, developing. Our former identities being discarded replaced by this new and entirely different thing, morphing. And it scared me, I suddenly found myself co-dependent and wasn't sure how to handle it. Whenever I thought of myself or my future I always saw it with Finny, I could no longer separate myself from 'us' The tree our excuse to escape the rigor and rules of Devon. It was for when things there seemed too cold and upper lipped we would flee there to our sanction, our secret haven. And for the longest time or so it seemed things were going great, so well they bordered on perfect. At the tree 'our tree' we could explore the newest aspect of our relationship the best part, our physical intimacy. Though I was still shy over the developing months when we would escape there, Finny was patient as if we had a lifetime to learn and perhaps that's because both of us thought we did. Thinking back on it a lot of our relationship developed around water, swimming in the schools pool and being the only one to see him break the record was an emotional aspect of our relationship while jumping from the tree was the physical side.

After running all the way to the tree and stripping off our clothes we would both make a big show of jumping so anyone with prying eyes wouldn't grow suspicious, then after splashing deep into the chilled waters we would find each other underneath the waves, hands never breaking the surface, my eyes quickly scanning around to make sure we were alone. It was only when I felt sure no one was around that I turned to Finny swimming next to me, our eyes connecting giving him my silent permission, then his hands would reach out to touch me from underneath the water. Relaxing I smiled, really smiled nothing forced about it. Turning to fully face him, we swayed in place the water up to both our necks. Fingers running slowly up the others body, touching all the places we could only dreaming of touching outside the lake. The cold water giving us both time to explore the others body until we were both fully aroused.

I gasped as his fingers brushed along my inner thigh, his smirk growing more confident each passing second. When it had gotten to where both of us could barely stand it anymore, that's when we'd beginning stroking each other. The growing urgency increasing our speeds until we both gasped, tired and spent we would fling ourselves on the shore, rolling into the ground breathing hard, riding off of our endorphin highs. This was our space our territory where no one else was allowed to invade. We couldn't do a lot more with each other under the water, Finny once bragged so much about his ability to hold his breath he tried giving me an underwater blow job, but that proved un-successful. From the beginning I was un-sure about the school knowing only he and I were going to the tree, so Finny established the 'super secret suicide club' to make our ventures appear legit' having the club meet on days and times when we could both be seen there, so it wouldn't seem odd us always running off there together. People just assumed it was about the club we had co-created, and for a while our façade worked well until one day…

While sitting in the library finishing some Latin homework I heard the first rumor of many more to come. It was two sophomores sitting at the table adjacent to mine at an angle were they couldn't see me, due to a large grandfather clock obstructing their view. "Have you heard of the seniors 'super secret suicide club?" asked the smaller of the two boys, with floppy red hair. "Oh you mean that stupid club those two homos invented?" causally replied the taller, brown haired boy. "What do you mean homos?" asked the red head, "Oh come on you can't be that thick. It's all over school, everyone knows they're queer." Explained the other boy, there was a long pause from the red head before he added "I guess it makes sense, nasty fags" It was at this time where I suddenly found the room around me airless and spinning, I ducked my head under the table trying to regain my composure but the words were trapped within my head "Its all over school, everyone knows they're queer…nasty fags….those two homos…" Grabbing together all of my things I quickly fled ignoring the looks from the two boys as I hurried passed. Once in my room I was thankful to find that Finny wasn't there, falling into my desk chair I laid my head down on my desk.

Suddenly I heard footsteps coming down the hall, snapping my head up I opened up my nearest text book and started pretending to study. Just as I suspected the door flew open revealing Finny sweating and happy, I wanted to smack him take away his good mood just as mine had been. "Leper's going to jump this time, he's really going to do it. If you want we can get there before anyone else and jump together." He offered, I knew what was on his mind, he wanted us to have some alone time to pet and feel each other up under the water before anyone else came. I could feel my disgust and anger rising with each one of his words. "I really have to study Finny, not everyone naturally good at stuff like you are!" I yelled wanting to get rid of him. "Well I thought it came easy to you, but if you need time to study that's fine, you should study. Why if I had a brain like yours…Well I don't but if you need to study then stay here and study" he offered not taking the bait of my confrontation. I could detect the under tones of his remorse at my attitude, and for a brief second I felt a pang of sadness on how I was acting but then the memory of, "everyone knows they're queer… nasty fags" came rushing back and I sighed, I couldn't tell Finny about this I just had to let him know I wasn't going to be spending as much time with him. I decided then to tell him privately at the tree, it seemed fitting, "I'm going" I announced as Finny put on his shoes, "No you're going to stay here and study" he argued "I'm going" I repeated picking up my jacket "Well okay then" agreed Finny beginning to smile again.

I rationalized it in my mind as we ran toward the tree that afternoon, 'This will be the last time we go here together, I'm going to tell him this is over when we get there. I am NOT jumping with him.' But then there we were as usually standing underneath the looming branches at the trunks base stripping off our clothes and it was almost as if I had just woken up at that moment and realized where we were and what we were about to do. Standing at the bottom I hesitated trying to remember what I needed to say to Finny about making this stop then he was saying "After you" and waiting for me to climb. When we got to the top I decided as soon as I splashed into the water to immediately swim toward shore and not let Finny have time to try anything, then there on the shore we would have our talk before anyone else showed up. Halfway out onto the branch Finny turned and smiled at me one of those, 'you're soon to be mine smirks' and I just lost it. The words of those boys pounding through my head, memories of my father cursing about 'fags' hearing the preacher condemn those 'unholy' and banished to hell, everything spun into a circle forming a tornado of fear/hate/strain and pain with Finny smirking in the center of it forming the tornados eye. By the time the storm within my head cleared I looked down to see his body twisted out upon the ground…

The first time I went to visit him after that fateful day, I hadn't slept any that prior night trying hard to sort out what I was going to say to him, but most of all 'how' I was going to say it. I was racked with guilt and confliction and un-sure of what to make of the whole situation. Pausing outside the hospital door I tried calming my racing thoughts preparing myself for the worse as I opened the door. Only Finny was happy to see me, which throw me off balance it wasn't something I had expected and his lack of interest in the fall only increased my guilt load by ten fold. A very large part of me wanted to break down at his feet sobbing and begging his forgiveness, taking him in my arms and kissing him into better health. But the smaller more determined part reasoned that his injury was the blessing I needed to have time alone and work on remembering who I was before Finny and I became an 'us' go back to being Gene, someone not secretly headed to hell for my transgressions against God and the laws of man.

The weeks that passed between us while he was away recovering both strengthened by resolve to move on without him and weakened my spirit in any hopes of ever regaining happiness. If happiness meant letting down my family, and going to hell then it was something I was going to have to lose, I was left feeling broken, shattered. So weak the smallest glance from another would send me straight to my room falling into my bed, clutching my pillow sobbing…Crying out his name. The second time I went to see him I had almost convinced myself I had done the right thing, and kept repeating to myself that if I just held out a little longer things would get better, I would move on. The lies we tell ourselves often appear silly to others, but they can help us pull through tough times even if those tough times aren't worth pulling through in the long run. At Finney's house I remained standing so he couldn't see the pain in my eyes, perhaps not catch the crack in my voice. I felt relieved and thankful when his sister interrupted us to offer me dinner, but that was a bad idea on all accounts since I couldn't bear through it and Finny was clearly upset by my confession. I couldn't leave that house fast enough; even as my heart slowed with each beat.

When Finny returned to school I had no plan on how to behave with him back, I had gotten use to the empty, loneliness of his absence reminding myself it was for the best all during those sleepless, quiet nights. But now here he was back, and spunky as ever, any notions I had been harboring about him never wanting to see me again soon vanished. With his return came some demands he wanted from me, whether it was due to my growing sense of guilt or my smoldering feelings for him I'm not sure but for whatever reason I became his little athlete. In the beginning when he started making me exercise I believed it was because he wanted to punish me passive aggressively, but soon I came to realize it had nothing to do with punishment and everything to do with him just wanting some more personal time with me, while helping to improve me physically as best as he could.

Even though we no longer could touch each other under the waves, I started to notice the lingering looks and slightly too long pats on the back returning and as much as I fought against it I couldn't. I thought all those weeks of being alone had strengthened me against his magnetic allure, but all it really did was increase my thirst for him as if I had been a man starving all that time and was now beginning to eat again, with a hunger only he could fulfill. I wanted to fight it I really did I tried my best to avoid spending any alone time with Finny outside of working out, spending extra time in the library where I knew he wouldn't go or on days when I felt especially weak willed and lustful I would go into the school's chapel; sitting right in the front, hands clasped in prayer begging God with all my strength to take away my wicked desires. I made it a point to come in late each evening so Finny would already be sleeping and leave right after morning trainings, not seeing him again until the next morning.

After the first week avoiding him, Finny would often look perplexed and hesitate before waving me off from exercising. Going on the second week he asked why I was so busy, and when I would have some free time. I deflected the questions by telling him I had a lot on my mind and that we see each other all the time. He tilted his head looking me over, the sun catching the sharp contours of his face, he smiled slightly as he nodded excepting my answers but his eyes remained troubled forcing me to sprint off right into the first row chapel pew, sweat running down my face mixing with what might have been tears. By the third week the tension boiled to a head, "You're upset with me." It was a statement not a question and I stopped walking toward the track in mid-stride. I had expected some sort of confrontation from him but I thought there would be more time then this, I was caught un-prepared. I stood there frozen like the fresh snow surrounding us, the sun just peaking out from over the hills. It couldn't be passed 6:00a.m. "Why should I be upset?" I asked wondering how far this would go. "You don't avoid someone unless you're upset" His eyes staring down at his feet, I watched his breaths come out in small white puffs. "A lot of things have changed now since you've been gone…I've changed" I turned away not wanting to see his reaction. The air around us seemed to freeze, holding everything in place incasing the world around us in crystal silence. I braced myself for the upcoming retort, I knew I had hurt him and expected him to share that pain with me causing me to hurt with him. But it never came he started walking away toward the pool; I stood there watching him limp away feeling empty and alone within the cold silence.

We pretended he and I, when others were around that nothing was wrong between us as if our nights weren't filled with strained voids and hostile glares. No one could know we weren't on good terms because then they would wonder why and that was too personal for them to understand or even for Finny and I to speak aloud. If he was at all confused by my sudden change, he kept it to himself when we were alone, but began making efforts when we were in public of slyly bringing up small topics that only he and I knew held deeper meaning: Pushing my resolve, digging publicly to reveal my true intentions, always in the sanctity of an audience so that I couldn't turn away from him without appearing suspicious to those around us.

One afternoon as I was walking across the courtyard from class paying little attention of my surroundings I was quickly snapped out of my internal musings by a 'blitz' ball slamming into my chest causing me to fall to the ground. "Come one Gene have some fun" called out Finny limping across the field with half a dozen boys in tow. Getting up, I shook my head "I have a lot of studying" I answered, hoping for a speedy escape. "Oh come Forrester you're always studying, have some fun like you used too" egged on Brinker snatching the ball from the ground. "Yeah Gene, have some fun…like you use too" agreed Finny with a knowing insinuation. "I really don't have the time" I continued, "You use to have all the time in the world to go tree jumping. And now you can't spare three minutes for 'blitz' ball?" asked Leaper. I could feel my cheeks burning and hoped no one noticed, a quick glance toward Finny told me I wasn't so lucky. His hands on his hips he was glowing with excitement at seeing me cornered. "It's just…I'm really trying to do my best this semester, that's all" I defended half heartedly. "Ah, leave him alone guys if he wants to study then we should let him" dismissed Finny. I looked at him in surprise and found him limping away laughing at something Steve had said.

Making my way up to the room, I found myself fuming with rage. He had rejected me! Cut me loose! I felt betrayed; didn't he want me playing ball with him? Sinking against the wall I released my anger causing my whole body to shudder in torrents. As the anger subsided I found myself rocking back in forth in confusion, why did I care, wasn't this what I wanted? All this time I had been pushing him away, now that it was working all I wanted was for him to keep fighting to never actually leave! This made no sense to me, why was I feeling this way? Taking a deep breath it suddenly struck me that this whole time that I had been shutting him out I had never considered how it would be with him gone, and that disturbed me. How was it I felt as though I needed him but didn't want him, was that even possible? Sitting against the wall I watched the time tick by as I tried sorting out my confused thoughts and feelings.

The problem with holding out for so long and feeling so strong is that when you relapse it's often a much harder fall then what you've just worked yourself out of. The first time we touched after the accident, I would later tell myself that it was a fluke a mistake that wouldn't happen again because I was a stronger man then I had been. Funny the initial contact wasn't from Finny but me.

I skipped my next class period in hopes of seeing Phineas, only he didn't show up. So I sat at my desk and waited, missing the rest of my classes for that day. I rolled a baseball in between my hand and the desk, feeling the stitching move rough against my palm. I needed a big blow up confrontation, I needed us to scream and yell like we use too. So I could clear my head, so I could hold on to him while letting go. I had to break this wall between us, so I could stop running into it, I needed this closure. The hours passed and I watched the sunlight fade into darkness, never moving from my desk chair I contemplated what I would say to him, the time did little to direct me in my troubles. Just when I was about to give up and go to bed the door slowly creaked open revealing the end of a crutch. Finny stood just outside of the doorway, crutch in hand pushing open the door he peered inside looking at me quietly, waiting. I did my best to smile at him as he cautiously limped in, "I've been thinking" I started doing my best to sound casual, he sat down at the end of his bed and waited for me to continue. "Recently I've been rather distant to you, and I don't want that to be the way we end this year…I…I want for us to try and start over…as friends" I awaited his response nervously. He looked me over then relaxed in his bed gazing up toward the ceiling. Another moment passed and everything remained still, like a photograph, nothing moved. "I thought you were sick" he said softly refusing to face me. "I went to the infirmary looking for you, when you weren't in English." He whispered so low it was hard to hear. I felt ripped open, completely ignored. Why wouldn't he answer me, why wouldn't he look at me? A million voices screamed inside me, so hard my chest ached. I jumped from my chair, walked across the floor and stood right in front of him; his focus never wavered from the ceiling. "Look Finny we can't go on like this, everything before now is in our past, let's just forget it and be friends to make it easier for both of us while were here." My voice sounded too loud; with my fingers digging crescents inside my palms I needed his answer. He closed his eyes, "It's not that simple" he said slowly, "It can be!" I shouted, "Just give it a try…please." I begged, "No" he forceful sneered. "Why not?" I sighed. "Because you and I were great lovers so we can never be friends." I couldn't think or breathe everything within me erupted into a million broken shards, he and I had never put a label on what was between us hearing him saying it aloud, was everything I had been trying so hard to fight against, I just lost it. I grabbed him from his bed, watched as his eyes widened in shock, nothing mattered and nothing made sense. I wasn't going to let him give up, not after I had worked so hard to overcome my feelings for him, so that we could really just be friends and now he was not willing to try. I was lost in a sea of emotions and he was my life raft, I grabbed him so hard he gasped I held his face in my hands and kissed him, ripping at his shirt I was out of control, everything exploding all at once. At first he struggled against me as I pinned his arms back, using all my strength to hold him down. I slammed my knees into his chest hard, straddling his hips, I wasn't aware when he stopped resisting; all I knew was that I was then using my hands to pull off his shirt. "You're mine!" I hissed in his ear, as I started rubbing my hips against his. Licking, and biting a trail up his neck, I heard him groan from under me, and pressed in harder. His fingernails scraping trails along my back, "Mine!" I growled pulling up from his shoulder blade to kiss his lips, taste him once again. I was in such a frenzy Finny had to grab my wrist, preventing me from pulling down his pants, both of us panting I stopped letting go of his belt and looked up at him. "Not like this Gene. Not like this" he whispered, holding both my hands in his. I noticed then for the first time the blood smeared over his lips, coating his teeth a bright red. "I…" words escaped me, I now could taste the blood on my own lips, it was Finny's blood, I looked down ashamed of myself. "We have so much time to make things right, let's not rush this" he offered smiling a crimson grin, I suddenly felt better, relieved even. "You're right" I nodded, wiping away some of the blood from his mouth, I could feel his smile between my fingers causing me to smile back. He kissed my hand, leaving a perfect red impression along my knuckles, I laughed as I examined it. Pulling back on our shirts we went on to the bathroom to clean up for bed. Things were going to be different alright, from here on out Finny was mine and no one would take him away, I was done trying to please the world at the expense of my happiness, no longer would I live in misery I thought cheerfully from now on its Finny and me and that's all that matters. That night as I lay in bed Finny caught me up on all the school gossip, we then made plans to meet everyday in our room during our study halls so we could catch up on everything we had both been missing since that fateful tree fall. Just when I was about to turn off my light, the door flew open with Brinker and some of the other guys from our 'Super secret suicide club' all dressed in robes, holding flashlights. "Gene and Finny come with us" demanded Brinker, "Is this a joke?" grumbled Finny, "No we're dead serious now come on, this is a trial" snapped Brinker shining the light in my face. It wasn't long before we we're both hauled off down to the second floor meeting hall. As I had feared the trial was about me pushing Finny, just when I thought we would get away Leper appeared making things worse. I knew Leper had left the army, seeing him then testifying against me I suddenly wished I had notified someone of his whereabouts to spare me from this whole ordeal. When Finny fell down those stairs I thought for sure he was really gone and it was as if my whole world came crashing down those stairs with him. There are no words to describe my relief at hearing he had survived, I had to see him. I knew he felt betrayed and hurt by my actions but I needed to make this right, we hadn't been through this much just to let go. That night he yelled at me to leave him, I suppose I should have expected as much. Maybe he just needed time to clear his head like I had before. Walking back to my room, I saw a note taped to the door in unmistakable Finny's sloppy writing. My name scribbled over the top, opening it up I read it in the hallway.

Gene,

I shouldn't have yelled at you I was just very upset a lot of things have happened tonight and it's kind of hard to deal with. Would you please come back and talk to me, all of this isn't something we should ignore. I'll be waiting for you; I just hope Brinker delivers this.

Fin.

I stared at the letter for so longer the words bleared together and ran off the paper, pushing into my room I collapsed in bed it was only then I let myself wipe away the tears.

I didn't go see him that night; I needed that time alone for reflection. Why did it always seem that as soon as things between us started going well that something awful had to arise? Somewhere Murphy was laughing clutching his law book in hand, leaving me and the rest of the world lost in frustration. (Murphy's law) I wasn't going to let this destroy what we had, I was going to make these things right, that was my over all decision that night as I sat in bed clutching his note, yes in the morning first thing before his procedure we would talk these things out and then move on in our relationship. I fell asleep that night smiling knowing things would be getting better from here on out.

I went to visit him first thing that morning before classes or even breakfast started. I quietly padded down the corridors in my house shoes, being careful not to awake anyone as I passed closed door's, I kept to the shadows away from the dim hall lighting. The ticking of the archaic grandfather clock my only companion. I silently slid against the wall as the janitor walked past, making sure to stay out of eyesight. By the time I made it to the ground floor where the infirmary was tucked away, the birds had just begun singing. As lightly as I could I pushed the door open, the dark room suddenly brightened illuminated by the hall lights. Stepping into the room my breathing was shaky. There lay Phineas straight against the mattress, with the sheets tangled around his good leg, his cast suspending his broken leg in the air. As the door clicked closed behind me, he stirred in his sleep flailing his arms slightly. I felt nervous in part to being caught here and in part by what his reaction might be to my arrival. Standing at the end of his bed I watched him a moment, his body relaxed and his hair ruffled it made me smile. I couldn't bring myself to wake him from such a content sleep as I turned to leave his voice brought me to an abrupt halt.

"You came all this way just to check up on me?" I turned my head in surprise. "Uh, you're awake?" I managed weakly feeling vulnerable and exposed. "Would you prefer I be sleeping?" his dark eyes' watched me intently from beneath shaggy bangs. "I…no, I just didn't want to wake you." I explained. "Why come now…Why didn't you come sooner, didn't you get my note from Brinker?" I could see the outline of light blue beginning to rise up from the east over his shoulder through the window. "I got the note, I just…thought it would be better to see you alone" I wasn't sure what I was implying by that but the words seemed to fit. "Alone" he echoed, "yes" I agreed softly. "Come here" he motioned for me to sit on his bed, obeying I walked beside him, "sit" he commanded, with a patting gesture. I tried to take up as little room as possible by sitting at the very edge of his bed, so should anyone come in I could easily jump up and appear as a normal visitor. "I said come here" his voice was rough and he grasped my arm hard, pulling me toward him. "Finny I…" cut off suddenly by his lips crashing against mine, I felt his tongue prying for admittance against my teeth, which I held shut. We needed to talk now; I had put thought toward this conversation which we were going to have as soon as I could get Finny to stop. Trying to pull back and break away, I felt him firmly grab hold of my face with one hand and my waist with the other, reeling me in closer to him. I struggled to turn my face and tell him to stop when he suddenly pushed his hand down into my pajama pants, causing me to gasp out as he took hold of my growing length. That gasp from me was just what he had been looking for as entrance to slip his tongue into my mouth, forgetting about any and all conversating I pressed myself against him. This felt less desperate and harsh then our previous venture, and more sensual, mutual even. With all of our kissing and fondling I was suddenly gripped with the desire to feel all of Finny against me, extracting my hand from his pants I heard him whimper from beneath me, as I pulled back releasing his lips from mine. His eyes were shining in question, as he panted between his swollen red lips. I pushed my hands against his night shirt and haste-fully began unbuttoning it, once his chest was revealed I moved my hands over the dips and curves of his perfectly sculptured abs. He responded to my touches by reaching out for my shirt, pulling it over my head without bothering to unbutton it at all, once that was taken care of I began pulling at his pants, which he gladly lifted up allowing me to get them down and off of him. I wanted to 'feel' him, all of him and it disappointed me that the cast was in our way. For a second I stared at him lying before me naked with the first rays of sunlight accentuating his features. He truly was breath taking; it was his hands pulling down my pants that brought me back to earth. I smirked as I kicked off my pants and boxers, getting back in the bed with Finny, we continued where we had left off.

We rubbed and grinded against each other, kissing and touching every inch we could reach. That's when a realization hit me, we weren't in the water which meant we could do a lot more then ever before here, feeling sly I snaked my hand around his waist to where his perfectly shaped butt lay. Pressing my lips as hard as I could against his, I lightly circled the tip of my finger against his opening. I felt him tense up, eyes opening fast, he pulled away causing my hand to snap back to my side. "Gene…I" he fumbled for words both of us hard and panting. "It's okay, I understand" I managed kindly though I couldn't keep the disappointment out of my voice. "No, it's not that. I just thought you would need more time. I figured we would go from where we left off and work our way up." He turned away as he spoke. "So…You want to maybe start with blow jobs?" I offered, stroking his hair nervously. He looked around the room then to me, "Can you get that tube of ointment?" he asked suddenly surprising me. "Uh, yeah are you hurt" I asked confused. The devious look Finny gave me as I handed it to him should have explained everything.

He took the ointment and squeezed out a generous portion, reaching out to me he began stroking me with the handful of it. I stifled a cry at the cold touch. I lay on top of him as he wrapped his good leg around me, stroking me with one hand gripping my back with the other. "Gene" he rasped lustfully in my ear, causing me to buck up against his hand. "Gene, I want to feel you" he groaned, I pushed all my weight against him, my hand sped up along his shaft. "I want to feel you…all of you" he gasped, I slowed down looking him deep in the eyes. That's when I felt his hand leading me to his entrance. "Finny are you…" I questioned, He nodded, sitting up on my knee's I was careful not to jostle his cast. Slowly I pressed a finger inside and wiggled. He sniffed in discomfort as I pressed a second finger both covered in ointment. He winced and shifted and I started to pull them out convinced this was a bad idea. "Gene" he whispered, eyes pleading as he widened his legs to give me better access. I applied more ointment to my fingers before I pushed in two at a time, wiggling them from side to side. When I moved them to the right he gasped in pleasure, hitting his prostate. I grinned as I inserted a third finger working them in rhythm against his hot spot. He moaned and moved in time with my fingers, sweat beading along his brow, a red flush crossing his checks. "Gene ahh!" he whimpered pressing his face into the pillow. I took the hint and positioned myself against his hips, slowly, teasingly I extracted my fingers causing him to tremble and shudder. I held my breath as I rubbed the head of my cock against his opening. "Oh god! Gene please!" he begged thrusting against me. "Tell me" I hissed, holding his arms down. "Ahh!" he gasped, pushing against me, trying to make me enter him. "Tell me!" I growled, loving this, as I watched him squirm under me. "Gene please" he gasped, "Please what?" I demanded forcefully. "Please…" he repeated. I rubbed harder against his entrance, just barely breaking the surface without pushing in. "Ahh" he breathed, bucking up harder trying to devour me. I hovered over him a few inches, refusing to close the space that divided us until I got what I wanted. "Gene" he whispered, his eyes strained from the built up tension, he struggled against my hold trying to move up and kiss me, trying to level our hips to align and connect. "Say it" I instigated, he licked his lips, relaxing and for a minute and I actually thought it was over. He would never say it and this was as far as we would go. I loosened my hold on him and was about to get up, when he grasped my biceps, looking me square in the face. "I want you inside of me. I want to feel us as one, you're the only one I want" I rested my forehead against his in relief, grinning. "Now can we get on with it…you're killing me" he smirked pressing his erection into my stomach as proof. I sat up then taking hold of my shaft I very slowly began pushing forward into him, he gasped and whimpered at first until I was fully sheathed. I stopped then to make sure he was alright, slamming his hips hard against mine causing us both to gasp out was all the encouragement I needed. Slow at first we began a forward back motion, he would gasp every time I thrust forward hitting his prostate and I would groan with every withdraw. It wasn't long before we began to speed up the motions, both of us thrusting and moaning. "Oh god…ah, wanted this…ahh so long" gasped Finny in between thrust lifting his hips to meet mine. "No one…uhh…no one else…can ahh have you!" I groaned shoving myself in him over and over as hard and fast as I could. "I'm yours!" he gasped reminding me of our previous encounter, "ALL MINE!" I practically yelled as I felt his muscles clamp down around me, shooting my seed deep inside of him. I fell onto his chest panting and sticky from his cum squirting across my chest. We both lay there for what felt like hours, I lifted my head and saw him watching me closely smiling. "Can we do it again?" he inquired, grinning I leaned forward and closed his mouth with a kiss.

Cleaning up the mess we'd made wasn't nearly as fun as making it had been, but I had to rush since the school had burst to life since sunrise and it was only a matter of time before someone came to check on Finny or realized I was missing. "They'll be able to smell it and think I've been messing with myself all night" complained Finny as I threw away some dirty tissues. "I'll open the window, let it air out" I offered, walking across the room. "How will I explain the window being open?" he wondered "Oh I'm sure you'll think of something" I scoffed while lifting the window pane up. "Hey wait Gene, can you grab that wheel chair" pointed out Finny "What for?" I questioned "Uh well um after our uh reunion" he blushed "I'm feeling a little sore" he explained. I felt my own checks redden at the implication, "Alright, here ya go. Steady now, there you go" I assisted Finny as he painfully pulled himself into the wheel chair, "It was so worth it though" he smirked relaxing back in the chair. "Do you want me to wheel you to breakfast?" I offered smoothing back his sweaty hair. "No, the doctor will be here any minute, I just wanted to clear the air once in for all about where we stand" I felt for a second of panic course through my veins, fearing the worst was about to be released. "Where we stand?" I echoed, "Gene look at me, everything we've been through together not just tonight but over this year. It's been a lot, hell of a lot more then most, and I know it's hard and confusing but I just wanted to make sure you're in this with me one hundred percent" he said "Of course I am!" I conceded, "I just want to go over the biggest hindrance between us one last time then be over and done with it forever" he elaborated, nodding I waited for the final blow. "That day up at the tree you didn't shake it because you hate me right?" "No, I just…it was just some kind of impulse, I'm so sorry Fin" he nodded, reaching his hand out to grasp mine, "we all have impulses, I've had those" he sighed, holding my hand firmly within his. "As long as we're still friends that is all that matters" he smirked at me knowingly, "Friends" I smiled wanting this feeling to last forever. Just then the doctor hurried in, "Phineas needs his rest Gene the operation wont take very long you can come back after lunch to see him" he explained pushing me out the door, I glanced back just in time to see Finny blow me a kiss as the door closed behind me.

Swimming in the pool took my mind off of what was happening to Fin, I swam as fast and hard as I could handle wishing he was there to cheer me on and make silly references to him having broken the school record. I could hear the exchange in my head as I cut through the lane, "I bet mister so-n-so is so proud to have his record maintained after all these years" would say Finny grinning sarcastically, "Yeah, I doubt anyone will every break it" I'd agree us both laughing privately at our inside joke. I wish I could tell you my soul screamed or my body cried in pain the very second Finny passed away on that operating table, but I can't. To be honest I was so wrapped up in all the things we were going to do and say once he was done with it, I had no idea what awful news awaited me shortly after. I actually sprayed on some of Brinker's over-priced cologne after swimming so I wouldn't smell too badly of chlorine, I was so excited to be seeing Finny now that things were different I jumped the stairs two at a time on my way there, singing to myself softly. I had it all planned out Finny and I would share a dorm in college were no one would suspect anything 'funny' about our relationship then afterward we would buy a two story house and tell everyone I lived on the top floor and he lived on the bottom, while all along sharing a bedroom and living space. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was manageable and that was all that mattered for now, we would worry about our parents expecting us to settle down with some nice girls and have children later. The whole wives and kids weren't as important as us sticking together for the time being. I could picture it in my mind; our house would be sunshine yellow with a forest green roof, shutters, and front door. We would have a big backyard with a barbeque pit and a colourful aluminum patio set. Turning down the hall toward Finny's room I slowed my happy march down to a crawl as I watched the doctor leave the room, leaning heavily against the door. My heart started racing, drumming inside my ears, as I neared him, the air felt heavy and I found it suddenly hard to breathe. As I stood before him, I wanted to push past him and run straight to Phineas, but I forced myself to remain still, waiting. "Such a simple procedure, anyone could have done it" he began and I felt my body tremble, "You know, a small piece of marrow must have escaped the bone and traveled up to his heart. It stopped just like that" Nothing moved, darkness descended all around me forming black holes where light once had been, I swayed on my heels not daring to move, for fear of falling right down into the biggest black hole of all. "I'm sorry son" he placed his hand on my shoulder in condolence and all I could think was, LIAR! How dare you speak such lies! I reached for the door handle defiantly, holding it I tried turning the knob only to find the door locked, throwing myself against it I crumbled to the floor sobbing uncontrollably feeling the darkness enclose around me.

The days dripped by so slow it felt like years, the school allowed me the first week off after Finny's demise to let me heal. It became so bad even Brinker started checking up on me when after the third day I still hadn't left my room. During the day I would play Finny's radio, while holding a book pretending to study expecting Finny to burst in at any moment laughing at this huge joke he'd pulled on me. At night I would lay in his bed, wrapped up tight within his sheets breathing him in, I had stopped eating; shaving or evening changing clothes for fear of missing him should he come back as I desperately hoped. By the forth day Brinker came in and found me slumped over the desk pasted out, he forced a cold sandwich and some hot soup down my throat complaining that I was beginning to smell, when I didn't respond he threatened to alert the Dean of my conditions if I hadn't improved by that evening when he would come back. I couldn't understand how everything could go on without Finny, why wasn't it constantly raining? Why hadn't all of civilization shut down? How dare those birds sing in the new day! How dare people go on with their lives! Nothing made sense to me anymore, was I being punished, was Finny punished? Had I somehow caused that marrow to escape into his heart, from our tirade that night? Oh god, what if that was it, what if this was all my fault! The thoughts kept rolling as the minutes past by, time meant nothing now, how could there be any meaning to anything at all? After nearly pulling my hair out in frustration I sat up and forced myself out of my desk chair, turning off the radio I grabbed some fresh cloths and my tooth brush. Coming back into the room after a long shower and looking presentable with a clean shaven face I found Brinker standing on Finny's side of the room looking over his books and trinkets. He didn't hear me enter so I had to clear my throat to get his attention. Smiling he looked me over, "It's good to see you looking like yourself again" he offered halfheartedly. I nodded curtly, waiting for him to leave. "You know I wondered for a long time" he started gesturing toward me, "Why you, Why Gene Forrester? He could have roomed with anyone you know" A growing sense of annoyance began surfacing by his words. I stood there frozen to the spot, wanting him to leave. "I mean he actually went through the trouble of looking at all the student files before deciding on you for a roommate" he continued, watching me from across the room. "At first I thought he would use you as his whipping boy, someone to take the blunt end of all his jokes" I shifted slightly trying to look bored though fully aware of his words. His smirk grew as he went on, "Oh but no, that wasn't the way things panned out. No… Gene you became the shining light to the shining light of Devon" I felt uneasy not knowing where this was going. "You took him away from us, funny since you seemed to hate him so" I stepped forward toward him, "I didn't hate him" I hissed through clenched teeth, "Well you sure had everyone fooled…Even him" I could feel my palms sweating at my sides, I didn't have to take this from Brinker. "I think you should go" I calmly replied. Brinker began walking to the door, brushing shoulders with me he stopped too close in front of me. "You did more then just shake him out of the tree that day Forrester, you broke his heart in that operating room, that's why he's not here" Grabbing him by his shirt I shoved him out the door slamming it in his face. "You can't deny it Forrester, you're toxic!" he yelled through the door as I fell into bed shaking.

It was the sixth day after losing Finny that the idea not only crossed my mind but actually stuck. I couldn't bare the thought of going back and attending classes and rejoining the functioning world, so I made up my mind not too. I tried writing a note, something for my parents to hold onto after I was gone but none of the words felt right they just couldn't express anything I had to say. I made sure to go down for dinner that evening and act like I was feeling a lot better, evening making plans to play poker with the guys for tomorrow night. I passed Brinker in the hall with not so much as a glance; I could feel his eyes on me, watching me go down the hall. Once in my room I locked the door, and pushed the desk chair against it for good measure. I knotted up Finny's bed sheet's, throwing one end over a large water piper on the ceiling, looping it around twice to make sure it was firmly in place, I stood up on the desk holding the knotted end in hand. I knotted it like a tie, so it would tighten around my neck just so, I felt numb as I slipped it over my head fitting it snuggly around my neck. Looking out across the room I closed my eyes remembering that first day I had met Finny right here in this room, taking a deep breath I jumped.

"Gene! Gene! What the hell are you doing?!" yelled a familiar voice from somewhere above me. I blinked back the pain drilling into my head, "Fin?" I asked slowly fearing this was a dream, and I would wake up alone. "Gene!" he repeated grasping me by the shoulders firmly. "You scared me man, don't you ever do that again" he yelled his voice radiating across the room. I looked up then and saw him, crouched down beside me, with both of his legs fine no cast in sight. "It worked" I beamed happily reaching out for him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. "We're together" I sighed. He didn't move toward me but shook his head, "No, you can't do it this way. We won't be together then" he whispered looking away. "What do you mean?" I asked in confusion. "The only way we can go on together in death is if you die of natural causes. If you try to take the easy way out then, you'll be sent as far from me as possible" he stared sharply at the floor as he spoke. I suddenly felt gripped in fear, "Sent away…Like to hell" I choked barely able to contain my dread. "No! Nothing like that: Its just I died of natural causes so I'm seen as fit to move on, but those that die intentionally are not ready to move on and are sent away to recover. Suicide isn't viewed as a moral sin against god, but as the soul not having enough resources to make go on its own. Which means I would always be a level a head of you in the next realm and we may never see each other again" he finished softly holding me by his stare. "Oh" I sobbed covering my face with my hands, "What have I done" I could feel my body trembling with each strangled cry. "It's okay I'm here" he reassured holding my shoulder. "No, its too late I've ruined it, everything now we can never be together!" I cried leaning into his chest. "No you haven't. Not this time, I wont let you" he whispered kissing down my neck. "Just remember natural causes and I'll be waiting for you" he said before closing my mouth with a kiss.

I woke up covered in water; I quickly jumped up looking around frantically for Phineas. The water was almost an inch deep when I heard the pounding of footsteps racing to my room. I pulled the bed sheet noose over my head and threw it under my bed, looking around to make sure there were no other signs of my suicide attempt. Just as I was sure there was no tell tale signs of what had caused the water pipe to break the door broke open revealing several students and a teacher, they stared at me standing in the middle of the room, water up to my knees for a moment in silence. I could feel the water draining away with the opening of the door receding down into the corridors. After spending nearly an hour explaining how I had been sleeping when the pipe burst to various students and teachers I felt exhausted and just wanted to sleep. But since my room was still so damp from the flooding I was put in Brinker's room until my room could be properly cleaned. Brinker and I hadn't spoken in two days and I felt uncomfortable being confined in such small quarters with him. I decided to go onto bed early before he could come in and pester me too much. But as it turned out Brinker had other plans, I could hear him whispering to some of the guys in the hall before he came in turning on the light and surveying the room as if he expected to find I had stolen some of his possessions. I burrowed my head deeper under the covers remaining perfectly still in the hopes he would assume I was sleeping. I kept my eyes closed as I heard him approach my bed stopping just short of where I lay. After a moment of silence I heard him kick of his shoes and loosen his tie. He walked across the room and turned off the light only then I let my eyes open the darkness came in like a flood and my eyes slowly adjusted. I watched him, back turned to me, start changing into his pajamas. Just when I started to relax thinking I could go to sleep I watched him walk back over to me, this time bending over me watching me intently it was apparent to him I was awake as he examined me. I shifted uncomfortably in his gaze, expecting him to say something only he didn't instead he moved down and kissed me hard surprising me. "Brinker!" I snapped as he pulled away, "I just wanted a taste of what Finny loved so much" he scoffed going back to his bed. "We weren't like that" I said quickly "If you say so" he laughed, "We weren't" I said it firmly to insist that the conversation was over. "Right" he replied oozing of sarcasm as he rolled over under his covers.

The next day I went back to my classes, trying hard to act as though everything was fine. I was able to move back into my old room that evening and was thankful to be away from Brinker and go back to my solitude. I started going on long walks to clear my head each day after classes which always seemed to lead me to the foot of the old tree. I would sit under its branches remembering easier times when Finny and I use to come here. Before everything became so complicated, some days I would smile recalling our good times here other days I would just submit to the whelming that plagued me. As the school days quickly came to an end I had made up my mind to enlist since it's what Finny had always wanted and he said he was always be with me, so if I went then I would feel safe having him by my side even if I couldn't see or hear him I knew he was there. The last day of school the military came to take over our rooms for their summer boarding. I hadn't seen much of Brinker, but as I prepared myself to leave I ran into him in the front entrance yard. I told him I was planning on enlisting and he seemed genuinely happy for me, I watched as he walked away in search of Leper Lapels beaver wearing the hat Leper had given him it suddenly occurred to me why Brinker had been acting so strange, how could I not have seen it before. He had been in love with Phineas just as I was, Leper had been Brinker's best friend losing both of them must have been taking its toll on him. I waved him off feeling a little less resentful of his previous antics and a little more understanding.

My mother was devastated when I told her the news of my enlistment, she cried that it made no sense for me to be going to war after all my schooling, my father grunted his approval and that's really all I expected from him. My going off to war didn't fix anything, but it was a place to start. I was shipped out two weeks later for basic training; from there I was relocated to France with the ground troops. For several weeks I lived in a fox hole surrounded by several other men all with pictures of their sweet hearts back at home to support them in their growing misery. Very late at night when everything inside the fox hole and out was still and quiet I would take out an old faded photo of Phineas that I had found among his belongs when I had been helping his parents pack away his stuff. The only noises around me were those of dripping water and the feet of rat's scurrying in between the sleeping men around me. The days were long and the nights short, the food was disgusting not even the dogs would eat it. I hardly spoke and chose to keep to myself which didn't bother anyone in my platoon; the explosions and gunfire became so common I barely took notice unless the captain pointed it out to us while instructing our orders. I started longing for the days of soft beds and warm edible food, but kept my mouth closed. I knew what happened to those that complained by observation and didn't want to be punished for such.

News started pouring in from England, good news and we were able to move out across the destroyed terrain, pushing the receding Nazi troops further and further back into Germany. The men began celebrating our impending victory, energetically detailing every sexual thing they were going to do to their girlfriends and wives when they returned home. With things clearing up in France we were allowed to go out in the afternoons and mingle with the locals, dining in local cafes and bars. I roamed the streets of Paris one night enjoying the change in scenery; we were stationed in an old hotel down by the Rivera. I felt out of place here in my starched uniform passing by all the people, some of which would wave and smile their thanks as I went by. Stopping at a pastry shop I bought a croissant and coffee which I enjoyed as I looked through a newspaper trying to recall the translations I'd learned back at Devon. One of my fellow officers spotted me from across the street and rushed over to chat; taking a seat across from me we discussed the wars progress and the differences in French women verses American. "The thing is theses French gals got to work twice as hard in finding a good man since so many of these boys are poof's." he said sweeping his hand across for emphasis. I nodded while taking a sip of coffee hoping my disinterest would change the subject. "I wouldn't be surprised if half the men here were ass rammers" he went on; I gave him a faint smile and waited. "But the ladies are lucky tonight, because we're here. To give 'em a good hard feel of the American way. Right my boy" he laughed clapping his hand down on my shoulder. "Yeah right" I agreed not meeting his eyes. "Me and some of the guys are heading down to Madam Zola's later tonight; you should shake off some of your goodness and join us." He offered leaning back to stretch. "Oh no, not tonight I uh am expecting a call from the folks" I lied politely, "Alright then just know the offer stands" he said rising to leave, "Yeah thanks" I smiled watching him leave.

That night when I returned to the hotel I caught sight of a familiar face sitting in the lounge talking to a few of the men I was stationed with. I felt my face redden and quickly tried walking by them fast as not to be spotted. "Hey Forrester!" called out Jimmy one of my crew, "This guy says he knows you, went to the same school" he said loudly across the room. I nervously paused composing myself briefly before walking over to them. I gave them a tight smile as I approached fear washing over me, "Yeah I remember you Forrester, you were quiet the talk back at Devon" said the familiar face with brown floppy hair, the junior from the library, my muscles clenched tightly. "You look familiar" I replied nicely, praying he wouldn't expose me here surrounded by my platoon. "You were the grade below me right?" I asked trying to sound casual. "Yeah, I'm surprised you remember me. I wasn't nearly as popular as you were" he smirked eyeing me smugly. "Oh I wouldn't say I was popular" I said nervously, shifting slightly. "No, maybe popular isn't the word…Infamous perhaps" he teased watching me sweat. "What's so infamous about ole Gene here, he's as straight laced as the captain" commented Jimmy looking interested. "Oh you might be surprised by all the controversy that Gene had back in school, he wasn't nearly so straight laced" grinned my tormentor. "I don't think we've been properly introduced" I said suddenly shoving my hand out to his, "I'm Albert Richardson" said the brown floppy haired guy, "And I know who you are" he added before I could reply. "So what controversy did Gene have?" asked Sam sitting beside Albert, "I'm going to bed, goodnight guys" I said trying to escape "Running away Forrester?" asked Albert his eyes hardening on me. "You might want to stay, my memory isn't so great and I could use some help explaining about things from school" he challenged, I swayed in place unsure of the next move. "Well what happened?" pressed Jimmy folding his arms across his chest. "Well stop me if I'm wrong, but you had a friend back at Devon. Phineas Pell wasn't it?" he asked looking at me innocently. My blood was coursing a million miles an hour and I did my best to look unfazed, patient even. "Uh yes that's right, he was my roommate" I verified reluctantly. "You and him were quite the pair, always out and about" he purred clearly enjoying my discomfort, I wondered if it was just my imagination that he stressed the word 'out' glancing around I noticed no one else seemed to catch it. "Well Phineas was very social" I calmly stated. "Was he?" inquired Albert raising an eye brow, "Because I only ever saw him with you" My stomach was doing cart wheels. Looking around I had to find a way out of this, "Tell me Gene why did you push your best friend out of that tree back home?" pressured Albert becoming aware of my apprehension. "You pushed someone out of a tree Forrester?" exclaimed Jimmy in shock; it seemed everyone was all ears for this. "I didn't push him" I harshly replied, pushing my hands into my pockets. "You know I really never had a good understanding of what went on during that. It was like one moment you two were in-seperatable the next barely speaking. Surely you can shed some light on the matter" I kept my face blank and continued staring straight ahead toward Albert without actually looking at him: My mind grabbing at ideas to fill in the blanks without incriminating myself in front of the men. "We got into an argument atop the tree and he fell. We never really reconciled our differences after that" I lied praying he wouldn't repeat the dreaded words I'd heard him use back in the school library. No not here I silently begged doing my best to remain casual and calm in the face of this new danger. "Ah" he nodded leaning back into the sofa, "What was the fight about?" asked Sam curiously. My mind shut down then unable to come up with one believable answer. "Oh I'm sure it was about a girl, now wasn't it Gene?" said Albert still watching me from his place on the sofa. For a second I wasn't sure how to react to his kindness, so I smiled at him and agreed, "Yeah just some girl" I turned to leave when I heard Jimmy saying that was a sad way to go and lose a friend. I got all the way to the stairs, thinking I had made it away untarnished when I heard Sam from across the room, "You know Gene's always so quiet. You don't think there was more to his friend's death do you?" I froze one foot in mid-air, grasping the rail. "Nah, Gene's harmless" dismissed Jimmy "What reason would he have to hurt his friend anyway, girls come and go?" asked Jimmy taking up for me. "No I don't mean that, it's just…Have you ever seen him with a gal? Maybe there was more to his 'friend' then we know" speculated Sam. My body switched back into panic mode and I slowly began climbing the stairs. "You knew Gene back in school, tell this knuckle head he's full of shit" said Jimmy, The hairs on my neck began rising awaiting Albert's reply. "Well I don't know, we should invite him to Madam Zola's and see" suggested Albert, I quickened my pace hoping to get to the top of the stairs before they could spot me. "Hey Forrester, We're going to get us some pussy tonight, you want to join?" called Sam, I turned around at the top of the stairs, were I saw them all watching me, waiting. I took a deep breath, gave them my best smile and said, "That sounds like fun let me get my coat" before disappearing down the hallway toward my room.

Madam Zola's was an old run down brownstone in the fringe of down town Paris. Every lamp was shaded by a red scarf reminding me of the inside of a dark room used for photography. A thick haze of smoke filled the air, and a scratchy tenor record played in the back ground drowned out by all the sounds of drunken laughter and loud moaning. I recognized several of the men from my unit lounging around on the floor or in chairs with scantily clad women straddling their hips. As I stepped over several people, my eyes darted around desperate to find someway out of this mess without calling attention to myself. My eyes landed on one of my lieutenants standing about five feet from me, he had one of the women pinned to a wall and he was thrusting in and out of her groaning and cursing. I couldn't tear my eyes away and felt disgusted with myself when I felt a stirring in my crotch. Suddenly one of the guys threw a woman in my arms, yelling at me to find a room. She was barely able to walk much less make any sense, her make up was smeared all across her face and I felt sorry for her as she began rubbing against me whispering and giggling. I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment, as I lead her by the arm half guiding half carrying to one of the vacant rooms. I dropped her on the dirty bed and closed the door behind us, my palms were sweating and I wasn't sure I could do this. I had only had sex once before in my life, and even though it had been with a guy it had been nothing like this. I didn't know this woman, nor did I want to know her. She was drunk and most likely high as well, this wasn't how I liked getting off, and I wasn't even sure where to begin. I had always been told you first must take girls out to dinner than a movie, and progress from there. This was rushed, anonymous, and felt all wrong. Turning around I thankfully found all my fears past out sloppily across the rumpled bed sheets. With a great sigh of relief, I took off my pants and got into bed next to her, I figured in the morning whenever someone would come in they would see us in bed and assume the rest. Facing the open window I stared at the moon wishing Phineas was here beside me instead of Ms. Fuck-a-lot.

"You know it's a good thing you didn't sleep with her" said a warmly familiar voice, blinking my eyes in the darkness I saw the outline of Phineas by the door. "Finny?" I asked focusing on his silhouette, "Who else would visit you in your dreams?" he asked stepping out of the darkness into the moonlight. "I'm dreaming?" I asked dumbly looking around. Sure enough I was in my bed back at Devon with all my stuff laying out as though I had never left, a quick glance to my right showed me all of Phineas's stuff laying out too. It was so unreal as if the last 6 months had all been one horribly long nightmare. I held my arms out reaching for him from where I sat; he stopped just short of my grasp. "Had you slept with her you would have gotten syphilis" he deadpanned watching me solemnly. I numbly nodded, "You should thank me for putting her to sleep for you, I could feel your fear" he outreached his arms holding tightly to my hands. I smiled my thanks feeling dazed by all this. "I've missed you" I choked out before I had time to realize my words. He pulled me down to him on the floor and surrounded me in his arms, where I held on tightly breathing him in feeling him pressing against me. "I can't keep watching you" he whispered, "What?" I jerked back to look at him. He turned his face away from me, closing his eyes as he spoke, "I can't watch you anymore Gene you have to do this on your own from now on" Tears were rolling down his face and I was angry at him for not facing me. "Why?" I demanded wiping away my own spilling tears. "I…I just…can't watch you…be with someone else…It's too much, I can't please understand" he sighed, slumping forward. I grabbed him hard from behind and held him in my arms, "No one else will ever have me, I'm forever yours just as you're forever mine" I growled low and biting in his ear. "No" he cried shaking his head trying to pull away from me, "You can't…You can't do this alone Gene, you need someone to live your life with. You need more then I can give you…And it would be selfish of me to" "I will never want or love anyone as I do you, how dare you claim otherwise!" I yelled grabbing him so hard he yelped as I slammed him down on his back. "Gene please this isn't easy for me" he sobbed eyes brimming with tears. "I need you Fin! As long as I know you're close by me watching that's all I need, I don't mind being alone" I pleaded, laying my head against his chest. "Oh Gene…" he whispered stroking my hair, I could feel myself getting excited having him this close, I pressed my erection against his thigh wanting him to feel that I meant my words. "I'll always be waiting for you, no matter who you end up with" he whispered. I pressed against him harder aching. "Stay with me" I breathed, "I'll be waiting not matter what you do" he said softly.

I woke up the sun blinding me, looking around haste-fully I found myself still in bed at Madam Zola's with an angry prostitute demanding I give her fifteen franc's for her services. I didn't mention how I hadn't actually used her services as I reached for my wallet in my discarded pants. But I did notice cum sticking to me and my boxers from my wet dream, the dream I'd had of Finny. I gathered my things and left as fast as possible, stepping around several passed out prostitutes and the few soldiers that remained. Getting back to my hotel room, I noticed the smug grins Sam, Jimmy and Albert wore as I walked passed them in yesterday's cloths. "Well I guess that answers our question" I heard Sam laugh as I ran up the steps two at a time. I set about cleaning myself, I changed clothes and shaved, and looking into the mirror I could hardly recognize my own reflection so much had changed me since my schooling at Devon. I went down for breakfast, opting for a local café over eating with the men downstairs at the hotel. Sitting in the far back I kept to myself preferring the peace and quiet. I looked up at the chiming door bells, a plain woman but a few years older then myself carefully stepped in, she kept pulling her wool coat tightly around her, even though it was a bright sunny day. Curious I watched as she timidly ordered half a loaf of rye. Just as she was turning to leave, a local Frenchman pulled at a corner of her coat reveling a yellow star, "Get the fuck out of here kike!" he spat; she cowered back and quickly turned to flee. She dropped her loaf upon exit and I got up walking to the Frenchman who was now greedily grabbing her bread. "Give it here" I demanded, hand extended. "Get your own asshole" he snapped in a heavy accent. Shoving him hard onto the floor, I snatched the bread from his hand and left the café in search of the young woman, I could here the angry Frenchman behind me cursing obscenities. Running down the road I caught up with the woman, grabbing her arm to stop her she looked both frightened and tired. "I…You left this" I said lamely, handing her the bread. Her eyes widened as she took the loaf, then she smiled appreciatively. "How very kind of you, please come up for some tea for your troubles" she offered kindly, "Oh no troubles" I replied rubbing the back of my neck nervously. "Do come up, it's the least I can do for your kindness" she persisted pulling at my arm. "Well…just for a minute" I relented slowly.

Her upstairs flat was clean and well maintained if not humble, very few belongings and even less furniture made the rooms appear much larger. Politely I seated myself at her small wooden table trying to think of small talk to make the time pass by. I could hear her humming in the kitchen as she prepared the tea and bread, and I thought it rather odd such a young woman was living here alone. Placing the tea before me she handed me a plate of sliced bread with various gels; I thanked her graciously and was surprised how easy talking to her was. We chatted about several things, never staying on a subject more then two minutes, I learned her name was Rose Horowitz age 23; she had lived in hiding for several years with her family before traveling to Paris. Her brothers and mother had been detained by the Nazis and she was awaiting news of their location. "So you see I am stuck here with my father" she explained, "Tell me something about you Mr. Forrester you've been quiet about yourself" she smiled biting into some bread. "I'm originally from Kentucky, I went to school up north that's were I got the idea to enlist." I said looking down into the steaming tea. "Was it because all your friends were enlist or more personal?" she asked, "A little more personal" I reflected halfheartedly. Just then there was a loud slam on the door, rising from my seat I came face to face with an older balding fellow holding a ration card in one hand. "Oh father this is Mr. Gene Forrester he helped me at the café" she explained gesturing toward me. I offered my hand in greeting. "It's nice to meet you young man, and thank you for helping my daughter." He smiled shaking my hand forcefully. "It was no problem sir" I replied. "Well I should really be going" I said quickly, "It was nice meeting you both" I remarked as I moved for the door. "Gene!" called out Rose, I turned at the door, "Maybe I'll see you around?" she said hopefully, nodding slightly I exited.

I didn't make plans to befriend Rose Horowitz but that's just what happened. We began running into each other every once in a while and before I knew it we were seeing each other everyday. Part of me resented her for not being Finny, while part of me feared I was causing Finny to suffer by my friendship with Rose. But it was just a friendship I reminded myself nothing more then that, I had become so lonely over seas having someone to talk to and eat out with was a treat. I suppose my new cheerier mode was apparent some of the guys started commented on how much better I looked and that it was good to see me coming out of my shell. Two months flew by once I had befriended Rose when before each second of everyday seemed to inch by. Everyone was happy for me except Sam that is but I passed that off on him being Anti-Semitic. I found myself opening up to her, telling her more and more about myself, but always careful never to mention Finny as anyone other then a friend. So I was flabbergasted and blind sighted one afternoon as she and I sat on her balcony enjoying the day and she asked, "You were in love with him weren't you?" in taking a sharp breath I closed my eyes, "Rose…Don't" I whispered, "It doesn't upset me, I would never ever tell anyone" she quietly said. "It was…a long time again" I weakly sighed feeling as if my mouth had suddenly been filled with chalk. "It's the way you say his name…as if no one else could ever mean as much as him" I pressed my hands over my face. I turned slowly looking at her from the side, "Does it matter, it doesn't change things between us does it?" I asked waiting for her response. She shifted, brushing off her skirt, "No…I had thought maybe there was room for a future between us. Your past doesn't bother me Gene we all have things to hide" she said, eyes cast down. For a moment I couldn't stop staring at her yellow shirt, and dark green cardigan it reminded me of the house I had dreamt Finny and I living in together. "It wouldn't be fair to you" I tried, "Oh Gene I could give you children, we could be happy I know it! Your past doesn't matter to me, I can over look that if you can over look my flaws" she pleaded eyes glistening, clutching both my hands in hers. "You flaws?" I asked jokingly hoping to lighten the mood. She pulled out a yellow Star of David from her purse as if that was to explain everything. "Please" Rose said, "can't we just try?" I fingered the edges of the star not meeting her stare. "I can never love you the way you should be…My hearts already given away to another" I said, "What about your parents back home, soon they will expect you to marry and settle down. I could help you Gene, marry me I wouldn't tell anyone your secret, no one would ever know." We sat there in silence for a few minutes after her declaration, Finny's words running through my head, Rose's desperate plea. Smiling reassuringly I promised her to think it over and left for the night. A week past and I didn't see Rose hardly at all I assumed it was because she was upset with my reluctance and I really did need the time to think these things out. Finally I had made up my mind not to marry Rose, but remain her friend until she could meet a great guy that would love her in the ways I never could. But each time I went to her home no one ever answered after the five week I began asking around fearing the worse, I saw her one morning standing out her on balcony, yelling for her she turned away and went inside. Feeling dejected I sighed, unsure of what her distance was all about. Determined to get an answer I went up stairs and pounded on her door, she was my only friend it troubled me to see her this way. Finally she opened the door, and I got to see up close how damaged she was, I gasped unable to retain my shock. Her face was bruised and swollen, her hair mussed. I pushed the door opening letting myself in, "What happened?" I demanded, her lip quivered and she fell into my arms sobbing. "I said no Gene, I said no" she cried, I lead her to the sofa and lightly laid her down. "The man…he was in the alley, I…" "Shhh…Its okay, every things alright, calm down" Holding her face in her hands, I let her cry as I held her whispering soothingly to calm her. I had never known of a woman to be raped though I had read somewhere in Shakespeare about it, and recalled my mother commenting on the beastly brutes doing harm to young girls. Just when I thought things couldn't go further down hill Rose cried out that she was pregnant and for that fraction of a second my blood ran cold. I held her tight its all I could do to prevent myself from hunting down that bastard. "OH Gene what am I going to do?" she wailed hopelessly, that's when I knew what I was going to have to do.

Rose and I were married two weeks later in a small country setting ceremony several of the men from my platoon showed up as well as Rose's father, aunt and uncle. It felt so unreal smiling for all the pictures, shaking every ones hand, kissing her in front of everyone. We were both trying to make the best of things, marrying before she began showing. "We'll just let everyone assume its mine" I told her quietly at the reception which was a modest affair. Rose's father had lost most of everything to the Nazis, I had offered to help fund the affair but Mr. Horowitz was a proud man and wouldn't hear of it. Dancing with Rose surrounded by so many happy couples, I wondered if this would have been my life had I never met Finny. I was allowed to move out of the station hotel since I was now a married man, Rose and I hadn't consummated our vows but that was no ones business. Rose and I moved into a small flat downstairs in her fathers building. I painted the kitchen walls bright yellow and the babies room dark green. I wrote to my parents about everything, they were both pleased and sent their regards. When it became obvious Rose was carrying my commanding officer started giving me more time off, my tour of duty was quickly coming to an end and I wasn't sure if I was going back to America or not, there didn't seem to be anything there I wanted now with Finny gone. I started getting really excited about the baby; we spent almost every one of my pay checks on baby things, cloths, toys, bottles. I used the baby as an excuse not to get intimate with Rose, "We might hurt he or she's health" I'd protest as she'd roll away from me pouting. Each week I would outline the growth of her belly on the pantry door. "What names are you considering?" I asked her over lunch one day, "Amie for a girl, and I thought I would let you decide for a boy" she smiled. I nodded absent mindedly and went back to eating. At eight and a half months Rose looked like she was going to pop, I held her close as we strolled together through the park waving at familiar neighbors. Rose sat on a park bench as I waited in line for ice cream, I could remember waiting in line for ice cream with Finny about two years ago and it made my chest ache. I was carefully walking back toward Rose balancing the ice cream cones when I saw a look of horror cross her face. Picking up the pace I quickly asked her what was wrong, "That's him" she whispered pointing a shaky finger toward Sam one of my platoon men. I blinked for a second in confusion then all the pieces clicked, Sam had been jealous of my friendship with Rose and he never attended our wedding. Jumping to my feet, ice cream forgotten about I ran toward him fueled by rage. "Sam you bastard!" I screamed colliding hard into his shoulder knocking us both to the ground. We were a mess of flailing arms and legs, fist slamming into jaws. I wasn't aware of when we fell out into the street, to consumed in bashing his head in to notice anything else it came as quite a surprise to see him suddenly slammed up against a card hood. Screeching brakes and burned tires tuned me back in, people came rushing from everywhere to see the commotion we had caused. I looked over at Sam's bloody and crumpled figure and spat on him for good measure. Somewhere in the background Rose was screaming, she had gone into labor caused by all the excitement. I rushed her to the nearest cab, wincing with each step taken, my nose was broken and I had lost a tooth but other then that I okay. I held Rose's hand as she screamed and cried, "You can do this, you're almost there" I encouraged filled with nervous energy at the prospects of being a daddy. Just as the screaming head of a little boy emerged the police came in and arrested me for, 'public misconduct and fleeing the scene" I mouthed 'I love you' to Rose as the police slap a cold pair of silver bracelets on me and read me my rights.

Sitting in the jail cell, I started finding it harder and harder to focus and stay away my head was pounding so hard all I wanted was to sleep. I could barely hear the bail bondsmen telling me Mr. Horowitz had posted my bail and I could leave, everything was shining too bright and swaying from side to side. The last thing I heard before I slipped into unconsciousness was "Mozal Tov" and "you don't look so good". Everything faded to black, and I began falling fast down a long spiral. Suddenly I was engulfed in blinding light, with pain crushing down on me and I could hear far away voices saying, "Stay with me Gene, Stay with me" I closed my eyes and fell back into the sweet pain free darkness: Only to once again be jolted back into the agonizing light, "Gene!" I heard Rose cry but it was so small and distant I couldn't be sure, the words "Internal bleeding" and "hemorrhaging" flew by. I could hear the sweet sound of a baby crying as I fell back into the darkness once more.

"You have a choice" said Finny standing over me once again we were back in our room at Devon, me in bed Finny standing beside. "I've made my choice" I answered already knowing what he meant. "Are you sure Gene, are you positive this is what you want?" he asked softly sounding as if he was about to start crying. "Finny I'm needed" I sighed, he slumped to the ground looking defeated. "I'm staying here with you" I smiled reaching out to touch his hair; he snapped his head back to look at me clearly surprised. "I thought…" he started, "Her and I would never be happy together, I need you to be happy just as you need me" I replied stroking his hair gently. "Oh Gene" he exclaimed jumping up to hug me. "I've done all I can for her, I made her an honest woman at least in her father's eyes" I sighed, pressing my check against his shoulder. "You're all I've ever wanted" I smiled, "No matter where we go from here on out I promise to find you no matter how long it takes me" swore Finny clutching me fiercely. "And I'll always look for you" I agreed. "Well are you ready?" he asked pulling me up to my feet, "as ready as I'll ever be" I said stepping forward toward our bedroom door at Devon. It sprang open light shining through, holding hands we walked together through the door and into the world outside.

So here we are now at my funeral, I see several familiar faces. Rose and her father came to America after my death, since I was being buried back home in the families Kentucky plot. I watched my parents, my father solid, unmoving like concrete my mother drooping and wavering like a willow. Most held somber faces except Rose who wept openly, clutching a baby swaddled in yellow and green cloths I had picked out. "Was it this hard to watch your own?" I asked Finny holding his hand for all my worth. "Its never easy for anyone, I'd imagine" he said. "I guess the only thing I feel I missed out on was getting to be someone's father" I sighed watching the service closely so Finny wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. "You would have been an amazing father" he said squeezing my hand, I bowed my head letting the tears fall. Finny pushed my face up to his and held my gaze, "I know I can't give you kids Gene but I'll give you everything I have" he smirked teasingly, I laughed leaning into him, "You're all I want" I grinned, "But how can we be together now when we're like this?" I asked passing my hand through a tree to emphasize my point. "Oh, you'll be surprised" he smiled walking me toward the surrounding fog. "Just wait and see, I'll find you soon enough" he said "Find me, I'm right here" I thought just as the swirling fog consumed us.

"Rose you and your father are welcome to stay at our home for as long as you need" offered Mrs. Forrester

"That's very kind of you Mrs. Forrester, we really do appreciate it" accepted Rose

"Oh it's no bother I'm excited to get to spend so much time with my grandson" smiled Mrs. Forrester

"Well Gene appreciates it too, don't you baby?" said Rose holding her baby

"Ahh ehh" cooed baby Gene

TT

Doctors note:

Delivery time of one healthy baby boy 12:15pm October 19th 1950

At Saint Thomas Hospital

Doctors note:

Delivery time of one healthy baby boy 12:15pm October 21st1950

At Saint Thomas Hospital

"I will find you…"