And now it's time for Hype Reviews with Mikey M. Hype.
Tonight's Review…
"Spiderman 4" by Eddie Kennedy
I burst onto the scene, excitedly, as I shouted…
"OH MY GOSH! This is the GREATEST fanfic I've ever read in my life!"
"There's this guy called Peter Parker, but he is also known as…SPIDER-MAN! And I'm like…"
"Peter Parker is Spider-Man? I didn't know that! But then again, I also didn't know that Darth Vader was Luke's father, or that Homer Simpson was bald."
"So, Spider-Man lives a very happy life with the people he loves. His best friend is dead, his aunt is dying of cancer, and his girlfriend the redhead reminds him of it every minute of every day."
"I wish MY life was that good!"
"Oh, wait, no I don't. Because NOBODY wants that type of situation!"
"So, Peter's Aunt is dying and she's like…"
"My last words to you are 'marry that redhead'." I paused, then said in a cheery voice, "Well, that's all I needed to say. Good-bye." I then fell to the ground as a flatline sounded.
"So, Peter Parker forgets his aunt's death in under a week and a Spider-Man villain shows up: Adrian Toomes…or Brody at least one time in the fic. He's the Spidey villain known as VULTURE!"
"Isn't it easy to connect Adrian Toomes to Adrien Brody? It is SO easy to connect an old man in a bird suit to that movie star from 'Predators', Peter Jackson's 'King Kong', and 'The Pianist'."
"So, Spider-Man fights Toomes only to get his butt kicked by Felicia Hardy also known as BLACK CAT!"
(WRONG)
"That's right, all you comic nerds! In this fanfic, Felicia Hardy ISN'T the cat burglar with lots of cleavage and the catsuit. Instead, she's this unimaginative ripoff of the Vulture."
"I was a ripoff of the Vulture once!"
"I got my pants sued off…literally."
"And so, the Vulturess beats up Spider-Man, who is trying to stop Vulture from robbing a bank. And Spider-Man is like…"
"I'm Peter Parker."
"And the Vulturess is like…"
"My husband is stealing that money because our kids are sick and we need the money."
"Oh. I've heard that line from many other people before…" I said, imitating Spider-Man. I thought for a bit, then say, "Okay. Off you go."
"Hooray! Instead of stopping crime, Spider-Man just lets it go! MORE superheroes should be like that! It would be paradise with people stealing, killing, kidnapping, and all kinds of good deeds!"
"But I digress…"
"So, there's this other guy named Curt Connors, also known as LIZARD! And for some reason, he has his lizard powers without any transition and does stuff similar to a very bad video game."
"Ah, explanations. Who needs them?"
"So, Curt Connors becomes the Lizard in front of millions of people," I toned down and became a bit more analytical, "which would probably ruin his reputation, cause people to deem him as 'dangerous', and earn him a spot in the slammer."
"WHO CARES? Lizard is AWESOME! He doesn't need explanation!"
"So, Spider-Man fights the Lizard, and I only say this because the fic only says that he fought him."
"HAH! '300', 'Return of the King', and any Star Wars movie, EAT YOUR HEART OUT!"
"So, Spider-Man runs into Vulture again only to be stopped by Black Cat-I mean, Vulturess! And he's like…"
"Vulture's stealing again. I have to take him in this time!"
"NO!" I said in a high-pitched, girly voice, "He's stealing for our sick kids!"
"Wait, didn't you already tell me this story?" I asked, imitating Spider-Man.
"Yes."
"And your husband is rich enough to make this suit, but can't help your kids' health?"
"Yes."
"That makes no sense…off you go."
"Wow! Superheroes are such good role models. Don't do anything about crime and let them go so long as they have a good backstory. Whether or not they're lying is entirely up to you."
"So, Lizard takes a piece of symbiote from Spider-Man 3 and a bit of Spider-Man's costume and gives it to this guy named Kletus Kasidy, also known as CARNAGE!"
"Yes! Carnage is finally in a Spider-Man movie-fic! IT IS ABOUT FRIGGIN' TIME! I don't care if he wasn't relevant to the story and came the heck out of nowhere! People LOVE THIS GUY!"
"So, Peter takes the redhead out and pops the big question."
"Are you having my baby?" I asked, then thought again, "Oh, wait. Wrong question. It's 'Will you marry me?'." I gasped in shock.
"But it turns out that Vulture, Carnage, and Lizard are working together and go right in and are like…"
"We all know that you're Peter Parker, but we'll just kidnap your girlfriend instead of just killing you right here."
"That's right! Rather than eliminate a threat to their power, they just blackmail him for a convenient plot point and just kidnap the redhead!"
"I kidnapped a redhead once!"
"She was dressed in spandex, worked for a guy wearing an eyepatch, and kicked my can after forty-two seconds. Oh, and she was named after a spider."
"So, Spider-Man goes to the Vulturess, even though he has no idea where she lives, and recruits her to go after the villainous trio."
"So, they have this HUGE, under-dramatic fight scene and all the bad guys die! Except for Curt Connors, who isn't the Lizard anymore and acted like the Lizard was some kind of symbiote…TRULY HE MUST BE A COMIC FAN!"
"And then Peter Parker marries the redhead and they ALL live happily ever after." I said, then noted, "Even though I was kinda hoping he'd dump her until she learned to be a bit more sensitive or just go for someone else."
"So, I really liked this fanfiction! It's just like Quest for Camelot, only you STILL don't know what's going on! More movies should go without description and ruin important characters to the franchise, like Neverending Story!"
"What? They did that twice? Never mind."
"This is Mikey M. Hype saying…CASH!" I said, picking up a cup and rattling its contents, "Ya got CASH? Oh, c'mon! The sign says 'Will Review for Cash'! C'mon, CASH! Can you at least help me fund Spider-Man 5?" There was a pause before I asked, "Whaddya mean 'Sam Raimi's not doing them anymore'?"
Seriously, though, Spiderman 4…sorry, it takes time to properly sugar-coat a response for this fic.