"Ah, Sailor Moon." said the nerd. "One of the most recognizable fictional female characters of all time. In case you don't know, Sailor Moon was an anime character was from an anime of the same name, which was about a Japanese high school blonde chick named Usagi who meets this black cat that gives her superpowers. They meet new heroines, too. All while battling the Dark Kingdom, which aims to take over the world. Eventually, the anime was released in America, under ownership of DIC Entertainment. Many of the episodes were cut and edited up the ass. Mostly because of the other shows and the segment they had at the end of each episode called 'Sailor Says,' which was supposed to teach kids the moral of the episode. It sucked, but kids watched it anyway because there was nothing to watch back then. There was no internet, so you didn't know what was edited out, so you enjoyed it anyway. It wasn't like today, where people are subtitling anime shows with Japanese audio, which is called 'fan subbing'. The show was so popular, that it even spawned three sequels."

The nerd continued. "So, with all the merchandise, they also included, you guessed it, video games. They're all pretty much side-scrolling arcade-style beat-'em-ups like 'Final Fight' and 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'. Some were decent, but some were shit."

The nerd took out his first game, which was Sailor Moon on the SNES.

"Sailor Moon on the Super Nintendo." he said. "Let's pop this fucker in."

The nerd puts the game in.

"We are welcomed with Sailor Moon's Japanese voice, saying her battle cry or some bullshit like that. So we get to the title screen and I will select Usagi, because, well, she's the main character. So now we see her transformation, which is thankfully shorter than in the anime. Damn, she's hot. So, the level starts, and here's where we really hit the shitpile. First of all, why's Sailor Moon so slow? Why is her attack so generic, and why does the music sound like an island resort montage? It sounds worse than the DIC dubbing music!"

The nerd gets killed by the first few bad guys.

"Fuck. I just died." he says. Suddenly, Sailor Moon cries.

"Are you kidding me?" says the nerd. "The moment you lose health, you don't figure out that you're dead until your character starts crying! That's just assy! Bottom line: This game is slow, boring, and assy and needs to be punished."

Suddenly, Sailor Moon jumps in.

"Holy shit!" shouts AVGN. "Sailor Moon?"

"I came here because I heard that there were some shitty games about me!" says SM. "I came to help scrap these turds!"

"You got it." says AVGN. "But be warned. They suck badly."

"Can I give this game a shot?" asks Sailor Moon.

"Sure." says AVGN. "We'll play together. Fortunately, the creators were actually smart enough to actually add a two-player option unlike in Battle Toads. But why couldn't they allow Player 2 to join anytime during gameplay? It's bullshit!"

"Relax." says SM. "And watch the language."

AVGN chugs down a bottle of Rolling Rock and sighs.

"This game is gonna suck so hard." says AVGN.

"Don't worry." says Sailor Moon. "With my help, we'll totally beat this!"

AVGN and Sailor Moon get started. Sailor Moon chooses herself.

"I'm gonna be the blue-haired bitch." says AVGN.

"That's my ally, Sailor Mercury!" yells Sailor Moon.

"Okay, okay. Sorry." says AVGN.

Sailor Moon's transformation sequence is displayed. Then Sailor Mercury's.

"Are you kidding? They had to put both transformations back-to-back? Why couldn't it just be split screen? The show was never like this. The show cut to certain aspects of the transformations whenever more than one Sailor Warrior was transforming at once."

"I know!" says Sailor Moon. "It's so aggravating! And what's even worse is that it pauses for, like, five seconds between transformations!"

"So the game begins and...uggh…the slow gameplay again. It doesn't even have that same excitement as all beat-'em-ups should have. Instead, it reminds me a lot of Bebe's Kids."

"God!" says Sailor Moon. "Why did they have to make the gameplay so goddamn slow! Now all my past battles seem like a bore!"

"I know!" says AVGN. "This is even worse than the DIC Entertainment dub!"

Eventually they play through the first level and meet the first boss.

"Okay, so we get to the first boss, which is some giant cat thing." says the nerd. "Remember that from Sailor Moon? Remember when she beats the shit out of a giant cat?"

"Actually, I remember that cat." says SM. "He's from Episode 33. He used to be a normal cat that was in love with my cat, Luna."

"Okay…" says AVGN. "Well, that explains everything."

The two battle the giant cat, but the cat claws them like crazy, taking crazy amounts of health.

"F**k!" shouts the AVGN. "Jesus! This cat is so tough!"

"Not only that, but the controls are so damn unresponsive!" yells SM.

"It's bullshit!" says AVGN.

The cat kills Sailor Mercury.

"Shit!" curses AVGN. "This cat is so damn tough! What the f**k?"

The cat kills Sailor Moon. Moon slams the controller on the ground.

"F**K!!" curses SM. "This game sucks!"

"I'd rather stick my head up an elephant's asshole! I'd rather pick up dogshit with my bare hands!"

AVGN and Sailor Moon both lose all their lives and get a game over.

"F**K THIS GAME!!!" curses AVGN loudly.

"Time to punish it!" cries SM.

"Damn right!" agrees AVGN.

Sailor Moon pulls out the game.

"Ruining a beautiful heroine's reputation is anything but good! It ruins childhoods and makes them look bad! I am the Bishoujo Senshi…SAILOR MOON! In the name of the moon, I will punish you!"

Sailor Moon aggressively punches the game over and over. She then throws it in the air.

"Now's your chance, Sailor Moon!" cries AVGN.

Sailor Moon takes out her tiara and aims it carefully.

"MOON TIARA…ACTION!" shouts Sailor Moon and she launches it at the game. The game is hit and shatters into many invisible pieces.

"Alright, onto our next game. Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon for the Genesis." says AVGN.

AVGN pops the game into the Genesis.

"We are greeted with the same Japanese voice as last game. Except the intro is a whole lot better. Instead of just a view of the Castle of Serenity, we actually see a high-quality image of Sailor Moon fading in and opening her eyes in some of the most beautiful animation that I've seen on the Genesis. Unfortunately, this game is only one player, unlike the last game."

The nerd plays a little through the game and is quite pleased.

"Wow. I'm quite impressed." says the nerd. "The music is nicer, the graphics are better, and your character's faster. My favorite part is the elevator. Throwing a bunch of bad guys through a glass window never gets tiring."

In the game, Sailor Moon throws a bad guy through the glass exterior of the elevator as he moans in pain.

"UNGH!" says the nerd. "Damn goblins!"

The nerd continues, "Overall, quite an impressive game. Go pick it up if you want."

The nerd moves on to another game.

"Next, we got Sailor Moon on Game Boy." says the nerd as he puts it in his Game Boy.

"Okay, so we are taken to the title screen and Usagi talks to her mother or something. This game turns out to be a 2-D side-scroller, not like the other games, which were all 2.5D beat-'em-ups. All you do is go around talking to people. And at this one point, you meet this blonde guy with an apron-"

"MOTOKI!" giggles Sailor Moon. "He's the arcade guy!"

"Well, thanks for that explanation." says the nerd. "Anyway, so you play a mini-game with some Sailor Warrior fighting…a giant hamburger?!"

"That's Sailor V!" says Sailor Moon. "I play her games all the time! And I watch her show! Well, that was before she became one of us, Sailor Venus."

"Do you remember when she fought a fucking hamburger?"

"Actually, I don't." says Sailor Moon.

"That's just ridiculous! I mean, where did they come up with this?" asked the nerd. " What crack were they smoking up their asses?"

The nerd continues, "Overall, not good, yet not bad. Very average."

The nerd lays back. "Well, I guess that's all the games we have. So…"

Suddenly, the Sailor Moon SNES cartridge returns, all in one piece, levitating in the air.

"MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" an evil voice laughs. "I can never be destroyed, you fools! I shall now spread my shittiness all over the universe! AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

"Holy shit!" yells the nerd.

"I'll handle this!" says Sailor Moon.

Sailor Moon goes to punch the game, but the game dodges and attacks her from behind."OW!" says Sailor Moon. "DAMMIT!"

The game then starts hitting her repeatedly as she begins crying.

Suddenly, a rose comes up and strikes the cartridge. "What?! What the hell was that?!" it cries.

Tuxedo Mask runs into the house.

"Tuxedo Mask!" says Sailor Moon.

"Tuxedo Mask?" says the nerd. "Holy shit!"

"Sailor Moon, this shitty game may be tough to deal with, but in the end, it must be sent to hell to rot in Satan's asshole for all eternity!" says Tuxedo Mask. "And I will help you with that!"

"Thank you…Tuxedo Mask."

Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask pose for battle.

"So, I guess it's time that I show my true form!!" the cartridge yells.

The cartridge transforms into a giant, generic goblin-woman.

"Now to kill you!" it shouts.

Sailor Moon uppercuts it and Tuxedo Mask kicks it. It is on the ground, injured, but it recovers and kicks them both in the stomach at the same time. Both of them find it difficult to recover.

"HA HA HA HA HA!!" it laughs. "No one to save you now, Sailor Moon!"

"That's what you think, goblin-bitch!" cries out a recognizable voice.

The nerd returns and punches her in the stomach with the power glove.

"AUGH!" grunts the goblin-woman.

"Have a taste of the Power Glove, m----------r!!" yells the nerd. "Sailor Moon! Now!"

Sailor Moon prepares her finishing move.

"MOON HEALING…ESCALATION!!!"

The goblin-woman yells, "REFRESH!" and turns back into the game.

"GO BACK TO HELL, YOU SHITTY GAME!!!" shouts the nerd as he punches it with his Power Glove. "Phew! Finally! That's been taken care of!""Yeah." Sailor Moon says. "Thank god."

"Well, thanks for watching my review on these games." says the nerd to the viewers. "Next time, we'll really be in for some deep shit."

THE END