DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. I just like to write whatever I think, even if it could be considered garbage or lame. (I should probably point out that I haven't seen this episode. I only saw the first episode of the new series last night here in the US, so if things are wrong, it is a fic and I can do what I want.)
If only. Two of the most damning words in the English language. Two words that can cause untold amounts of damage. More damage, sometimes, than the actual event itself.
Those two words are the primary foundation of Survivor's Guilt. At least that's what my psychiatrist has been telling me.
I have Survivor's Guilt. I was pushed out of the way while he was hit with the bullets. Those bullets impacting great pain not only to the victim but to me.
When Matt pushed me out of the way and was hit with those shots, my world went dim. I couldn't think, couldn't hear. The only thing that mattered to me was that he had been hurt. He'd been hurt badly. I just stood there like an idiot. I saw the blood gurgle out of his chest and dribble out of his mouth and my heart broke. The only thing I could think of was how much I loved this man and how I was never going to be able to tell him.
I saw his eyes land on me and I was immediately pulled back into the present. I rushed to his side and applied pressure to his wounds. "Don't you leave me, Matt Devlin. I have so much I want to tell you," I said, not caring that I was crying.
His blue eyes, which had none of the sparkle from just minutes before, locked on to mine. Without saying a word he was communicating to me what he never had the chance to tell me. In that instant; that terrifying, horrible instant, I knew he loved me.
"I love you, Matt. Do you hear me? You're going to have to hang on so I can hear you tell me that you love me," I said.
Ronnie shouted to the paramedics that had pulled up on the scene. They immediately pushed me back so they could attend to Matt.
Ronnie held me while I cried, his own emotions cracking the surface. This hardened, veteran cop was just as devastated by this as I was. "Alesha, luv, let's follow the ambulance to the hospital," he said to me as they loaded Matt into the ambulance.
I nodded but found myself walking to the stretcher that held the man that I loved. He was so lifeless on the stretcher. The paramedics applying pressure and squeezing fluids into him until he could get to the hospital.
I watched the doors slam shut and the ambulance speed away, knowing that was the last time I was going to see Matt Devlin alive. I found myself back in Ronnie's embrace and he led me to a police car. We both got in the back and sped after the ambulance with the sirens going.
I kept staring at my hands. Hands that were covered with Matt's blood. Tears were streaming down my face, yet I hadn't made a sound. It seemed too much for sound. I couldn't feel anything except the deep emptiness that had taken his place in my heart. And it was a huge space. I had been in love with Matt Devlin for so long, yet had never told him. Now, I was faced with the prospect of living without him. Going to work knowing I'd never see his cheeky smile. Never see him run his hands through his hair when he was frustrated. Watch the mole on his jaw line move whenever he was upset or angry. These things I noticed, but didn't know I noticed them until this very minute. I paid deep attention to every detail of Matt, but hadn't told him how I felt. I knew he loved me. The minute he had pushed me out of the way and was lying on the sidewalk staring up at me; I knew.
Ronnie guided me to the waiting area, which for the time of day, was surprisingly empty. Ronnie and I sat in seats against the wall, facing the door. Police officers passed by in front of the door, waiting for word, but not wanting to intrude on those that were considered Matt's 'family.'
DI Natalie Chandler entered the room. Her face a mix of sadness and anger. Her gaze fell onto my face. She held my gaze as she asked Ronnie what had happened.
Ronnie recounted the events of the night and I tuned him out. I dropped my gaze back to the floor and closed my eyes. I directed a prayer to God, if there was one. I asked him to spare the life of this man who loved with his entire self. He believed in the pursuit of justice and believed in everything that he did. If God was going to save someone, it should be him. I started crying again. Actually, I don't think I ever stopped. I began mourning. I mourned the loss of Matt's wonderful personality, his beautiful smile, gorgeous eyes. I mourned the love we had for each other that we would never get to explore.
Ronnie held out Matt's wallet. I opened it. It contained his badge and some photographs. I paused when I noticed that the photo at the front of his wallet was one that had been taken of us with Santa at the Christmas party. I had been invited by Natalie and had popped in to join in the festivities. Ronnie had convinced us to have our picture taken with Santa. I had the same photo on my bedside table in my flat.
I held the badge to my heart. So many things racing through my head.
Ronnie wrapped his arms around my shoulders and I fell against him. I let it all out. All the pain, anger, sadness, everything I was feeling at the moment came out in sobbing cries against Ronnie Brooks' sweater. The veteran cop never said a word. I was aware of the occasional patting of my arm.
At some point, Jacob arrived, obviously concerned for Matt. He made a point of checking to make sure I was fine.
Ronnie told him I was as fine as could be, considering I had been shot at and witnessed someone I loved dearly shot and fighting for his life. Jacob patted my arm and spoke in a hushed whisper with Natalie.
I don't know how long we had been there. I must have given myself over to exhaustion because that was the only way I was going to sleep."Lesh, luv. We have news," Ronnie said to me, penetrating my sleep and making me realize this wasn't the nightmare I had hoped it was.
I pulled myself into an upright position. I was still gripping Matt's badge as I steeled myself against the doctor's words.
When I heard those six words come out of the doctor's mouth, I fainted.
***What did the doctor say?*** -mereditholiver