Getting Smarter

by Bugmouthga

Max and 99 are back in action! When CONTROL asks them to track down a mysterious scientist who's been supplying them with state-of-the-art weapons, they get more than they bargained for, but that might not be a bad thing!

GETTING SMARTER

One thing was for sure. Max missed the Chief. Ever since his death so many years ago, Control- and Max, for that matter- just hadn't been quite the same. It wasn't as if Max didn't like the new chief of Control. Agent Thirteen had been a great courier and field man in his day. And he had assisted Max on many a mission over the years, so he was no stranger to the new chief and the way he worked. But it still was just not the Chief! (And then, of course, Max was still just a trifle peeved at the fact that he had not been chosen as the Chief's predecessor, when Commander Drury had reactivated them all, but that was another story!)

"Agent 86!" boomed the new chief's voice, exuding authority. "In my office, on the double!"

"Wha?" Max called, in his usual manner.

"Max," Thirteen sighed. "Just come into my office. I have a new assignment for you."

"Right away, Thirteen!" Max cried excitedly, and he knocked over the plant stand next to the sofa in the outer office. The plant landed on the floor with a thud. Max bent down to pick up the fallen plant, but he hit his knee against the pottery, and the dirt flew everywhere. "Oops! Sorry about that, Chief!" he apologized. "I'll clean that up in a jiffy!"

"Forget about it, Max." the new chief groaned impatiently. "I'll have Larabee take care of it. Just get into my office. Pronto!"

"Well, okay, Thirteen." Max agreed, tripping over the pottery, and slipping around through the dirt. "But I don't see what the Lone Ranger's horse has to do with anything."

"No, Max," Larabee explained, as he got up from his desk and started over to the mess on the carpet. "Pronto wasn't the Lone Ranger's horse. Pronto was his sidekick. Goldie was the Lone Ranger's horse!"

"Oh, yes, of course." Max said, and he went through the door into the new chief's inner office.

The Chief sighed in exasperation. He now realized the reason why he had been so reluctant to take this advanced position at Control. It wasn't the dangerous cases, or the heavy workload that had deterred him. It was the daily occurrences of having to deal with the likes of Max and Larabee, day after day, after day . . .

Therefore, he knew it was a lost cause trying to explain it, but the Chief must have been a glutton for punishment when he said, "Listen Larabee, you've got it all wrong- as usual. The Lone Ranger's horse was Silver, not Goldie. And his partner's name was Tonto."

"Isn't that what I said?" Larabee asked in confusion. "Anyway, Chief, I still don't see what the Lone Ranger's partner has to do with Max going into your office."

"NOTHING!" the Chief roared. "Absolutely nothing!"

Larabee shrugged, unfazed. "Okay, Chief. There's no need to shout."

"Just clean up this mess." the new chief groaned, and he went back into his inner office, away from one goofball, and back with the other . . .

"Oh, right!" Larabee huffed and puffed, and he bent down to start cleaning up the dirt that had already settled into the carpet. "Max makes a mess, and I have to clean it up! I'm not his nanny, you know!"

XXX

The new chief (we'll call him N.C. for short) found Max staring at a picture mounted on the wall above his desk. The people in that picture were from a time not so long ago, but it somehow seemed like forever. The smiles on the six faces in the picture were happy, elated. N.C. recognized the subjects in the picture at once. And the occurrence from which it was taken. Fifteen years earlier, the case of the century had broken wide open, which put KAOS - Control's enemy agency - out of business. But it had also brought on the temporary closing of Control, as well. This particular photograph had been taken directly following the arrest of several KAOS officials, and it held all of the vital players: Larabee stood on the far right, smiling like a goon. The Chief stood next to him, his elderly face distinguished and weary. Laying his head against the Chief's shoulder, and sleeping contentedly (even while standing up!) was the ninety something Admiral Hargrade, one of the original leaders from Control. Standing tall next to the ancient mariner was Control's own cybernot, Hymie. His smile gleamed brightly (as he was sure to oil his teeth regularly, and see his mechanic every six months!). Holding onto his arm was the beautiful Agent 99. Her face beamed proudly, the sunshine putting a heavenly glow to her lovely, blue eyes. And next to her, with his arm around her waist, stood Maxwell Smart, Agent 86. Spy extroidinaire! And 99's husband.

N.C. watched as the Max of today continued to stare longingly at the picture. Yes, indeed, those were happy times. He understood Max's need to wax nostalgic, but time was of the essence, and he cleared his throat to catch the secret agent's attention. When this exuded no response, N.C. sighed, and hollered, "Max!"

"Wha?" Max asked, turning away from his memories.

"Wouldn't you like to hear about your new mission now?"

"Well, yes, of course, Thirteen!" Max exclaimed attentively. "I'm all ears! Go

ahead."

"That's Chief," N.C. reminded him for the countless time. He knew that it had taken people around here a lot longer than he'd originally expected for them to get used to calling him by his new, formal title. After three years, most people had gotten used to the idea. But there were two particular agents that still had a hard time with it. Namely, Max and 99. But N.C. tried to be patient with them. It was the least he could do. After all, no one had been closer to the old chief than Max and 99 had been. Blowing out a breath, N.C. started his spiel. "Okay, Max. Listen carefully. This is of the utmost importance! And it could be the answer to our prayers."

"Gee, Thirteen, it sounds pretty important." Max commented. "And the answer to our prayers? Wow! Does that mean that 99 and I will finally get to take that second honeymoon to Tahiti we've been planning?"

"Max!" N.C. moaned wearily. "Not those kind of prayers. And yes, it's very serious! And don't forget to call me chief."

"Right, Chief." Max said cordially. "Really important, eh? Hmm, well, I guess you know what that means!"

"What, Max?" N.C. sighed. He had a bad feeling that he knew what was coming.

"The Cone of Silence!" the secret agent shouted jubilantly. Even after all of his years at Control, Max had never tired of his favorite toy.

"But Max," N.C. pleaded. "The Cone of Silence is a dud! In over thirty years at Control, that darned contraption has never worked!"

Maxwell Smart just stood there, arms folded across his chest, his little frame grounded stubbornly. After seeing this familiar stance, N.C. sighed, knowing that it would be easier to just give in. "All right, Max," the chief relented. "Release the Cone of Silence."

"Right away, Thirteen- uh, I mean, Chief!" The two men sat down at the desk, and Max pushed a button. Henceforth the immortal Cone of Silence!

Once the cone was in place, N.C. began his instructions. "Now, listen, Max."

"Wha?"

"I said, 'listen, Max'!"

"Wha?"

The door to the office opened. Larabee poked his head in through the doorway. "He said, 'listen, Max'!" he shouted, then left.

"Oh," Max said, finally comprehending. "Yeah, Chief?"

"What?" N.C. asked.

"I said, 'yeah, Chief'!"

"What?"

The door opened up again. Larabee yelled, "He said, 'yeah, Chief'!" The door closed again.

By this time, N.C. had lost his patience. He angrily flipped a switch, and the Cone of Silence floated up into oblivion.

"Hey!" Max protested. "What'd you do that for? I thought you said that this mission was of the utmost importance!"

"Forget what I said before," N.C. snapped. "Just listen to me carefully. Now, for the past five days, we've been receiving broadcast transmissions, via our private radio station. It seems, someone has been breaking into our sound waves." He paused and glanced over at his top agent, who was staring at him intently. "Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that KAOS is up to their old tricks. But it's not KAOS. Well, we're pretty sure that it's not. We honestly don't know who it is. But whoever is sending these broadcasts is - we think - trying to help us. And we believe that he can. He has to be a genius, from what he's been relaying to us. In the last broadcast, however, the genius has asked us for help. It seems that KAOS has somehow gotten wind of him, and what he was doing. We must find the location from where the broadcasts are coming from. Then we can go in and rescue him. And he can come to work for Control. You and 99 are to pinpoint the exact location of the broadcaster's studio, and get him out of there! Then, bring him back to headquarters, and we'll offer him protection, in exchange for services. It's already been approved by the president, himself! Now, did you get all of that, Max?"

"Not all of it, Thirteen."

"Its Chief! And what part didn't you get?"

"The part after you said, 'now listen carefully'."

N.C. grumbled to himself in exasperation. He was beginning to wish he had never taken on this job!

XXX

Later that morning, in Control's radar room, Max, 99 and N.C. stood before a large, electronic map of the surrounding area. A red, blinking light bleeped on and off in one particular spot.

"That must be it." N.C. said, pointing at the spot.

"But Thirteen- I mean, Chief- that's downtown, in a busy area. City Hall is there, as well as the orphanage, a dog groomer's shop, a tattoo parlor and a Burger Barn restaurant. The map locator is giving off a rather vague signal. How are we to know which establishment is housing our genius?"

N.C. looked over at 99. Finally, an intelligent query. 99 had just turned fifty-one years of age, but her features clung to youth and she was still just as beautiful as she'd ever been. N.C. used to have quite a crush on her, back in the old days. Back when they were both out fighting the forces of evil. And back before she had gone and done the unthinkable and married Maxwell Smart. "That's where the spy work comes in, 99," he told her. "You and Max will just have to infiltrate each building until you find out where the broadcasts are coming from."

"Right, Thirteen- oh, I mean, Chief," she agreed.

"Excuse me a second, Thirteen," Max put in. "But isn't the key to solving this case to find out why, rather than where?"

"What?" N.C. asked. As usual, Max had him completely confused.

"Not what, Chief, where." Max corrected him.

"No, Max," 99 explained. "It's obvious as to why there are broadcasts. What we need to find out is where."

N.C. began to comprehend. "That's right, Max. Don't worry about why. Just concentrate on where, okay?"

"But, what about who, Thirteen?" Max inquired, narrowing his beady eyes. "Isn't that more important than where?"

"No, Max!" N.C. shouted, losing his patience again. "If you find out where, then you'll automatically find out who! I think . . ."

"Oh," said Max, seemingly content. But then . . . "But shouldn't we find out how, too, Thirteen? I mean, that's just as important as who and where, isn't it?"

"Whatever you say, Max." N.C. sighed, rubbing at his sore temples.

"But Max," 99 quickly intervened, and she explained (as only she could) to her befuddled husband. "It's only logical that we won't find out anything until we find out where. You see, where will tell us the answer to who. And who can tell us the answer to how. And since we already know why and when, then we should be able to locate the origin of the broadcasts, and crack the case wide open!"0

Max eyed his beautiful wife incredulously. "Well sure, that's easy for you to say!"

"Now, listen," N.C. cut in, exasperated at having to witness yet another session of the Smarts' inane chatter. "We haven't much time. Remember, in our last received broadcast, the mastermind behind them spoke of danger, because he knew that, somehow, KAOS had tuned into his wave length, and will probably try to take him and force him into a life of slavery. Or, they might kill him."

99 saw the significance of the situation. "We really have our work cut out for us, don't we, Thirteen- oops, I mean, Chief! This mission could make or break Control for good!"

"That's right, 99," N.C. agreed. "If we can get to this scientist first and get him to join our side, then it could mean the end of KAOS! But, if we fail and KAOS gets their evil hands on him, well, there's a good chance that Control could be forced back into retirement- permanently!"

"If only KAOS would use their evil hands for niceness, instead of rottenness," Max sighed poetically.

Smiling affectionately at her husband, 99 then returned her attention to her boss. "What exactly was in those broadcasts, Thir- um, Chief?"

"Good question, 99." he remarked. "At the time of the first broadcast, the plans to a new ray gun were relayed over the radio. At first, our scientists didn't know what to think of it. After all, we thought it might be KAOS, devising some vile plot to ruin us for life. Well, we were wrong. Dr. Elshenstein, who is the new head of our weapons division, decided to try and construct this ray gun from the audio blue prints that the mystery man had broadcast. And, the result was this." N.C. walked over to a lab table and retrieved a sophisticated looking piece of machinery from the drawer.

"Wow!" Max murmured in awe. "What's that?"

"It's the ray gun," N.C. elaborated. "Would the two of you like a demonstration as to what it can do?" Both agents nodded vigorously. N.C. aimed the weapon at the far wall at an eye chart. "Observe the chart." he said.

He pulled the trigger and when the ray gun fired, the entire room went blue for a moment, as a powerful light illuminated from it. 99 and Max shielded their eyes against it. Less than a second later, N.C. released the trigger and the room became normal once again. Except for one difference.

"Look!" Max exclaimed.

"Why, Thirteen- uh, Chief- that's absolutely amazing!" 99 beamed.

And indeed, it was. Against the far wall, where the eye chart once hung, was nothing left but a wet, dripping mess. They could still see bits and pieces of the letters sliding down the wall, trickling like tears.

"You see," N.C. stated. "It works like a charm. And that's not all the broadcasts have given us. We have plenty more where that came from!"

"What else is there?" 99 asked curiously.

"Come here and I'll show you, 99." N.C. offered.

"Hey, Thirteen," Max asked, as his wife made her way over to the desk. "Can I see the ray gun for a minute?"

N.C. sighed. That was a dangerous request. "Well . . . okay, Max. But only for a minute. It has a hair trigger, so I want you to promise to be very careful!"

"No sweat." Max assured him absently and he picked up the ray gun. It felt somewhat heavy, yet oddly comforting, in his hands. Max liked to think it belonged there. He began aiming it at various objects in the room, spy style.

Meanwhile, 99 marveled at all of the gizmos and do-hickeys that had been given to them by the mysterious genius. "These inventions are just incredible, Thirteen- I mean, Chief. And they all came from the broadcasts?"

"That's right, 99. Five different broadcasts, five different inventions. And all of them work! So you must see the importance of finding this electronical wizard, and hiring him at Control. Just think of how many weapons and devices we could get from him, if he's here at headquarters, working around the clock!"

A sudden thought occurred to 99. "But sir," she said. "What happens if, we find this guy, and he doesn't want to become another working stiff at Control? Supposing he just gave us these inventions to be a . . . good samaritan?"

"That's ridiculous, 99," Max told her from across the room. "Who in their right mind wouldn't want to join Control?"

"Who in their right mind would?" N.C. muttered to himself, as he watched his number one agent return to his spy play. He returned his attention to 99, his other number one agent. "Anyway, 99, I have direct orders from the president of the United States himself, to recruit this scientist to our government; no matter what the cost."

99 shrugged. "Okay, Thirteen. You're the Chief."

N.C. sighed inwardly. If only everyone else remembered that, he mused to himself.

After eyeing the rest of the inventions on the table, 99 saw one in particular that caught her eye, and she smiled, then picked it up for a closer look. "Oh, Max, look at this!"

Max turned around to face them, and the ray gun in his hand was inadvertently aimed directly at them. Instinctively, they both ducked down behind the desk. "99?" he asked impatiently, "What's the big idea? You ask me to look at something and then you hide? What kind of a trick is that?"

"Max," N.C. called from behind the desk. "Put the gun down. Just set it on the table in front of you."

"But Thirteen, I-"

"Please, Max." 99 begged him.

The secret agent sighed. "Well, all right! Gee, sometimes I get the feeling that you don't know me very well, and that you don't trust me!" He set the gun down on the desktop.

"Oh, we know you, all right," N.C. muttered, as he stood, then helped 99 to her feet. "And that's exactly why we don't trust you!"

Before an argument could arise, 99 gently intervened, ever aware of her husband's large but fragile ego. "Here, Max. Come take a look at this, love. This is just what you need."

"What is it, 99?" Max asked her, narrowing his eyes at N.C. "A boss that actually trusts me?"

"No, darling," she explained. "It's a miniscule answering machine, that you attach to the opposite heel from your shoe phone."

He took the tiny device from her, and eyed it with fascination. "Really? That's incredible!"

"You can use it when you're out on a mission, Max." 99 explained. "And you can't be disturbed. You would just set it to pick up after the first ring."

"And," Max continued smartly. "I can turn on the answering machine when I'm not there, too!"

99 glanced at him. "But Max, if you always wear you shoe, then how could you use the device when you're not there?"

N.C. shuddered. He felt another headache coming on.

"You see, 99," Max went on, going for another brilliant deduction. "I'm not home when I'm on vacation!"

"So?" 99 asked, baffled. "You don't wear your shoe phone while you're on vacation."

"Precisely!" he exclaimed, causing her to jump. "Therefore, I could have the answering machine on!"

Shaking her head in confusion, 99 nevertheless kept it in check, and merely nodded, and said, "Right, Max." After being married to the man for over twenty years, and knowing him for even longer than that, she realized that sometimes it was just easier to nod and say 'right, Max'. She'd probably used those two words more than any other from the entire English vocabulary.

"Well, of course, I'm right!" Max crowed triumphantly. "After all, 99, we've been married for a long time now and you should remember that I'm always right!" 99 shot him a glance and he took its meaning immediately. "Well," he reiterated. "I'm almost always right." Her gaze never wavered. Max chuckled nervously. "Of course, you're right a lot of times, too, 99."

"Thank you, Max."

"Don't mention it, sweetheart."

N.C. groaned, his headache fast becoming a full-blown migraine. "Would you two please get going?" he pleaded. "KAOS probably has the scientist in their evil clutches by now!"

"Well, I guess there's really no point of us going out on the mission, then." Max theorized, shrugging at his wife.

99 closed her eyes, waiting for the inevitable . . .

"Max!" the Chief shouted.

"Thirteen?" Max asked in confusion.

"Just . . . get out of my sight!" N.C. boomed furiously. "Oh, wait! I want you to take the ray gun with you. Not only will it be good protection against any KAOS agents you might encounter, but it will also prove that you're from Control, and that you want to help this scientist in need."

"Right, Chief," Max agreed, grabbing a hold of the gun. He and 99 headed for the door.

"Wait a second, Max!" N.C. called after him.

"Yes, Chief?"

"Well, no offense, Max, but I think it would be in the best interest of everyone concerned if you were to have 99 keep track of that ray gun."

"But Thirteen," Max complained. "I've had more experience with handling specialized weaponry! I've been trained for it. And I feel that I am more qualified to deal with this sophisticated device, and-" As he made his declaration, he waved his arms wildly about. His arm hit against the doorframe he stood in, and the hair trigger on the ray gun went off, without warning.

"Oh, Max!" 99 cried in horror, as she watched the room go blue again, and she saw the Chief duck for cover, as the ray shot directly at him.

The Smarts waited anxiously for the Chief to emerge from his hiding place. When he finally did so, he looked shaky and dishelved, as he wiped what was left of his glasses off of his face.

"Uh," Max said, in a panic. "As I was saying . . . here 99, why don't you hold onto this for the time being?" and he handed her the ray gun.

"Smart!" the Chief stammered.

"Oh, um, sorry about that, Chief!"

Max and 99 raced each other out of Control headquarters.

XXX

Their first stop was City Hall. As expected, they did not find their scientist. Next came the dog groomer's and the tattoo parlor. After 99 talked Max out of getting a tattoo of a heart that said 'mother', they ventured over to the Burger Barn restaurant. There they found two burgers, two orders of fries and a strawberry milkshake. Other than that, they came up empty handed.

"Well, Max," 99 observed keenly. "We've checked out every other place on the list. It looks like our only alternative is the orphanage down the street."

"But that's ridiculous, 99," he muttered. "The orphanage is full of kids!"

"Not just kids, Max," she reminded him. "Remember, the orphanage is run by adults."

Max shook his head. "I still say you're wrong about this, 99." He looked over at his beautiful wife, longingly, as she . . . finished up the last of their milkshake. Beyond her, he noticed a small, broken down shack across the street, behind the Burger Barn. "Look, 99! A deserted, old shed! That's probably where the scientist is hiding out! I'd stake my life on it!"

99 smiled tolerantly at her husband. "Well, it's certainly worth a look, anyway, Max. Let's go check it out." They entered the crosswalk, arm in arm. "And Max," she added. "If this isn't the place, then we still have the orphanage to check out."

"I don't think so, 99." he told her, as they approached the run down mess. "This has got to be the place! I'm sure of it! Going over to the orphanage would only be a waste of time. We'd be barking up the wrong tree."

Unknown to the two Control agents, there was a darkly dressed figure hiding in the shadows behind them.

They entered the shack, and immediately found a note taped to the left-hand wall. He pulled it off.

"What's it say, Max?"

"You're barking up the wrong tree," he read aloud, then narrowed his eyes. He carefully avoided 99's face, which he was sure was smirking at him right about now. He looked back at the paper in his hand. "It goes on to say more!"

"Read it!"

A long pause . . .

"Out loud, please, Max."

"Here goes," Max sighed. "Dear Agents of Control- hey, that's us! - This is a letter from the mastermind behind the brilliant, imaginative, award-winning broadcasts. They-" he stopped. "Award winning broadcasts?" he repeated in confusion. "99, I didn't know that Control still gave out awards to radio programs."

"Oh, Max, please continue!" 99 urged.

"Right! Uh, let's see now . . . oh, here I am. They call me Miri."

"Murray?" 99 asked, questioning the pronunciation. "Hmm, I suppose he's the genius that we're looking for. Go on, Max."

"Well, it goes onto say . . . Here are the directions to get to my hideout. Do not read them out loud, but please look over them silently, and memorize them. Then throw the note out the front door and exit through the back. Hmph!" Max made a disgusted face.

"What's wrong, Max?" 99 inquired in concern.

"Jeez, 99, you would think that a modern day scientist would want to be a little more environmentally conscience about the littering problem this country faces."

"Nevertheless, Max," 99 told him. "He has instructed us to do this. He made it perfectly clear. I think we'd better follow his directions down to the letter."

"Don't you mean litter, 99?" he asked with a chuckle. When 99 didn't respond kindly to his pun, he blew out a breath, and looked back down at the paper. "Ah, here's the directions! Take four steps-"

"Max!" 99 shrieked into his ear. "Murray told us not to read the directions out loud, remember? Now, let me get a look at them, and we can memorize them together."

The two of them read over the paper.

"All done yet, Max?"

Eight minutes later . . . "Right, 99! Memorized!"

"Good. Let's go. Oh, and don't forget to throw it out the front door, love."

"Right!"

The man lingering outside in the bushes, who had been listening to their entire conversation, smiled wickedly. This was going to be a piece of cake!

"Come on, Max!"

Max tossed the note out the door, and he and 99 exited through the back.

The darkly dressed stranger picked up the fallen piece of paper. He opened it up. It exploded. And that's the end of the stranger in the dark suit!

XXX

"Okay, now twenty paces to the left," Max said softly, as he and 99 carefully counted their footsteps.

When they finished with their navigating, they found themselves at the back entrance to one of the buildings down the street. "Hey, we're at the back of one of those businesses, 99!" Max exclaimed in excitement. "But which one . . .?"

99 said nothing. Only smiled.

Max didn't like the smugness that her smile held. "Don't tell me that this is the back entrance to the orphanage," he begged.

"It's the back entrance to the orphanage, Max."

He folded his arms, and turned away from her. "I asked you not to tell me that!"

"But, this is it, Max! It's where Murray wants us to go. Let's at least give it a shot. Knock on the door," she instructed. "But don't forget to say the password."

"Right!" Max knocked on the door.

Thirty seconds of absolute nothing transpired. Finally, the door opened to reveal a nine-year-old boy, with a freckled face and teeth missing from his grin, who answered the door. He eyed the two adults with distrust. "Whad'ya want?" he demanded to know.

Max and 99 exchanged confused glances. Max asked 99 a question with his eyes. She shrugged, then gave him a nudge.

"But 99, he's just a little kid!" Max exclaimed, directly in front of the child. "How could he know anything?"

"I know that you're a dweeb!" the little boy stated matter of factly. "Now, if you got something to say, mister, then you'd better say it quick! 'Cause otherwise, I'll have to shut the door. I'm not s'posed ta talk to strangers, you know!"

"Sound advice," Max had to agree. He turned to his wife. "What's a dweeb?" She only shrugged, feeling it was better for all concerned if he didn't know.

"Well, mister?" the kid asked, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Look, junior," Max began, turning preachy at the boy. "I know that you're stuck here in this orphanage, and you don't have any parents, but you had better learn some manners on how to speak to your elders!"

The child glanced down at his Mickey Mouse watch. "You got thirty seconds," he said casually, unfazed by Max's scolding.

"Oh, Max!" 99 exclaimed, "Just give him the password!"

With a weary sigh, Max shook his head doubtfully, but decided to appease his wife. "All right, 99, all right. I still say this is a waste of time."

"You have ten seconds," the boy told him, watching his second hand very closely.

Rolling his eyes, Max bent down and stared into the child's ruddy face. "Listen to me, very carefully kid. Okay?"

"You have five seconds," the boy sneered at him.

Resisting the urge to take the boy over his knee, Max just grumbled under his breath, then said, "Get loose everybody, 'cause we're gonna do our thing."

99 backed him up. "'Cause you know it ain't over till the fat lady sings."

The little boy watched the two adults in amazement, as he scratched his head.

"Gee, mister," he squeaked incredulously. "I never would have figured you for New Kids On The Block fans!"

From behind him, right beyond the door, another childish voice screamed at him. "No Aaron, you dummy! That's not it! The chorus. You're supposed to say the chorus part!"

"Oh, yeah," he replied in recollection. He looked back at Max. "Hangin' tough! Hangin' tough!" he yelled into the spy's face.

Max stood up and stared at his wife. "Well, that's the countersign, all right. Although, I don't understand what this hangin' tough thing stands for. Maybe it's in code, or something."

Young Aaron opened the door. "Come in, guys," he instructed them.

Reluctantly, the two agents obeyed, and were immediately greeted by another child, this time a little girl, who looked to be about eleven years old. She motioned for them to follow her. "Come on," she whispered secretively, "You gotta follow me, now!"

As the agents followed their diminutive guide, Max took hold of 99's arm, and pulled her close, to whisper into her ear. "99, I don't like this. I think this is all some kind of sham! Maybe some sort of practical joke, made up by all these little ragamuffins."

"Well, I admit that it's strange, Max," 99 whispered back. "But we've encountered stranger things than this. We just need to keep an open mind, until we discover what we're facing here."

"Hmph," he grunted. "I still say that we're on some wild goose chase, and that this little oompa loompa here is gonna lead us to . . . to Never Neverland- not to the scientist!"

"Oh, Max," 99 chuckled, patting her husband's arm. "Don't be silly! There are no oompa loompas in Never Neverland."

He gave her a look. Then the little girl in front of them led them up a steep staircase, then down a dark hallway. At the end of that hallway was a door, with a light shining through the crack underneath it. The little girl knocked three times.

"Who's there?" a prepubescent voice demanded to know.

"It's Brandi, stupid." she sighed impatiently. "Open the door. They're here!"

"Tell me the password." the voice commanded.

"U can't touch this!" Brandi shouted at the closed door.

Max nearly jumped. "I didn't touch anything!"

"That's the password, love." 99 whispered discreetly into his ear.

"What kind of password is that?" Max huffed, folding his arms in annoyance.

"It's a rap song," 99 told him distractedly.

"A what song?"

"Quiet, nerdola!" Brandi scolded Max, then she looked back at the closed door.

"Now, give me the countersign!"

"How does a little kid know what a countersign is?" Max asked, wide eyed. 99 shrugged. Brandi ignored him altogether.

The voice spoke through the door. "Uh oh. Uh oh! Here comes the Hammer!"

"A hammer?" Max inquired, "I know of no hammer. Well, except for Maxwell's Silver Hammer, of course."

99 smiled at him.

"Quiet!" the little girl snapped. "Man, you're a such a dweeb!"

Max straightened his tie. That was the second time he'd been called that name in less than ten minutes. Therefore, he surmised that it must mean something good. "Why, thank you, young lady."

99 rolled her eyes.

Then the door swung open. A thirteen-year-old boy stood before them. He nodded to Brandi, and she left the trio behind. The boy was dressed in black, and his very aura exuded authority. He stared down the two agents so hard, it made them cringe.

"That's the second meanest stare I've ever seen, 99," Max commented to his wife.

"What was the first?" 99 asked curiously.

"That time I stayed out all night for my old army buddy's bachelor party, and you caught me sneaking in."

99 narrowed her eyes. Yes, she remembered that stare now.

"Why are you here?" the boy demanded to know.

"Why do you think?" Max barked at him smugly.

"I asked you first!" the teenager challenged him.

"And I asked you second!" Max retorted, getting annoyed very quickly.

99 was getting just a trifle bit annoyed, as well - at Max! "We're here to see Murray!" she blurted.

"99," Max whined. "What did you go and tell him that for?"

"Look Max," she explained. "I see no reason in beating around the bush." She ignored his meanest stare.

"So," the boy went on, resembling a young, arrogant king perching on his throne. "You're here to see Miri. State your business, then."

99 cleared her throat and began her spiel. "We're here to rescue Murray, who contacted us, via radio, that he was in danger, and needed our help. And we came to save him, as he has given us some awesome inventions over the past week."

The boy perked up, looking over at 99 carefully. She seemed smart, and to the point. Maybe she wasn't a geek like her companion, after all. "Go on," he instructed her.

"In his latest broadcast, Murray told us that KAOS- an enemy agency to Control, the place we work at- has discovered him, and might come after him. The president of the United States of America has personally recommended that we come to Murray's aid."

"Control, huh?" the boy murmured thoughtfully, scratching his chin. "And just who is this Control that you're talking about?"

This time, Max spoke up. "The Control agency is a secret branch of the government, trained to go on the most dangerous missions; live the most exciting lives; survive through the most excruciating torture; be the most talented-"

The boy held up a hand, interrupting Max's recruitment speech. "A word of advice, buddy," the kid said, "Leave the talking to her," and he gestured towards 99. "You guys will sound more intelligent that way."

"Oh," Max said, before realizing that he'd just been insulted. Then he glared at the kid. "Hey! Don't think that I don't know what that means!"

"Shh," the youngster reminded him. "Remember, let the lady do the talkin' to keep you from squawkin'." A soft beeping noise came out of nowhere. "Excuse me," he said, turning his back on the two spies.

"Let the lady do the talking." Max was grumbling to himself, as he folded his arms defiantly across his chest. "I do not squawk!" he proclaimed. "Eh, do I, 99?"

99 was currently trying to get a look at what the kid was up to. But she still managed to give Max the attention he so desperately needed. "No, of course not, love," she cooed.

"Hmph! That's what I thought! Jeez, what that kid doesn't know could fill up the hole in the Grand Canyon!"

"Oh, Max!"

"Say, speaking of that rotten kid, what's he doing now?"

"I'm not sure," 99 admitted. "But I think he's . . . Oh my, Max. He's talking into a sneaker phone!"

Max shook his head. "Sneaker phone? Oh, isn't that classy!"

They watched as the boy spoke softly for a moment longer, then put his shoe back on. "I'll be right back." he told them, and then slipped out the window and onto the fire escape.

"Oh great!" Max hissed in distaste. "Now we got a kid who thinks he's Spider Man out scaling buildings!"

"Quiet, Max!" 99 warned him. "They could be listening to every word we say. And we are at their mercy. If we're not nice, then they may not take us to see Murray at all. And then where will we be? There'd go our mission- down the drain. Besides, I've noticed that you seemed to be a little hard on the poor boy, for no apparent reason." She looked at him pointedly.

"Well . . . he was asking for it, 99!" Max exclaimed angrily and not caring who heard him. "And you know how I feel about a know-it-all kid!"

"But Max, please don't let our personal tragedy get in the way of this case, or make you feel bitter against all other children. Besides, this child could be the genius that we're searching for."

"What?" Max laughed into her face. "No way, 99! You can't be serious!"

"But why not, Max? Can't you recall the summer of '68?" she reminded him. "When we found the secret of the mysterious Dr. T.?"

"Of course!" Max exclaimed. "The summer of '68! The mysterious Dr. T.!" He stopped and looked at his wife, who somehow, was expecting this reaction. "99?" he asked.

"Yes, love?" she asked knowingly.

"Who was the mysterious Dr. T., anyway?"

"Oh, Max," she sighed. "Don't you remember? He was an eleven year old genius named Tyler J. Tattledove, who had been giving away all of his inventions to one of our top scientists, under the guise of writing a comic book!"

"Oh, yes. That Dr. T." Max agreed, finally comprehending. "Now I see what you mean. So, you think that we may have another child prodigy on our hands?"

"It could very well be possible," she said logically. "So, please, try not to insult this boy anymore. He might change his mind, and turn to KAOS, if we're not nice."

"Yes, you're right, 99," Max admitted, much to the surprise of his wife. Rarely did he admit he was wrong. Rarer still did he ever admit that she was right.

The boy climbed back in through the window and jumped into the room, startling the secret agents. He scrutinized them carefully. "Miri will see you now," he announced, with a dark and foreboding expression.

Max and 99 exchanged surprised glances. "You mean you're not Murray?" Max asked incredulously.

"No way!" the boy exclaimed, as if he'd been insulted. "Besides, I'm not that old! Follow me."

Max narrowed his eyes at the youngster. Now that he knew this kid was definitely not who they were looking for, he decided that he didn't have to be so nice to him. "So, tell me, kid," he remarked snidely, as he glanced around for a door. "Are you going to show us to the door, or do we have to shimmy down the fire escape?"

"Of course not, mister," the boy said with a smirk, "I would never ask a lady to do such a thing." He glanced appreciatively over at 99, then added. "And I certainly wouldn't ask an old timer of your age to do anything so dangerous!"

The old timer in question glared at the youth for calling him old, and for showing him up in front of his wife. He was about to retort, when the boy brushed passed him and ventured over to a risqué Madonna poster. He pushed her belly button, and the life sized Michael Jordan poster beside it slid down into the floor, revealing a secret passageway.

"Amazing," 99 commented, impressed.

"Thank you, ma'am," the boy stated proudly, giving the female agent a flirtatious wink. "I installed it myself."

"Well, it's wonderful," 99 continued to gush, turning pink. She was not used to pre adolescent boys giving her the eye.

Max wasn't used to witnessing pre adolescent boys flirt with his wife. Needless to say, he didn't like it. "Okay," he interrupted brashly. "What now, junior?"

"Just go through that door, and keep walking until you can't anymore." the boy instructed them no nonsensely. "And don't call me junior!"

"Thank you," 99 said graciously, before peering into the dark hole. "Boy, it's awfully dark and gloomy in there. Is there a lightswitch?" she asked, but when she turned around, she found that the boy had mysteriously vanished. "Where'd he go?" she wondered aloud.

"Who cares?" Max muttered, with an air of annoyance- and a twinge of jealousy, "Let's just get this over with. Come on, 99. It looks like we're on our own from here on out. Take my hand." And he offered her his.

99 smiled lovingly at Max. She always liked it when Max wanted to hold hands. Usually, it was because he was scared. But, so what? She didn't care if Max wasn't exactly the macho type. All that mattered was that Max was Max, and he wanted to hold her hand. "Sure, Max," she agreed readily, grasping his offered hand tightly.

"That way," he reasoned, "If one of starts to fall down, the other one can-"

"Fall down with him," 99 finished, feeling somewhat disenchanted now. "Come on, Max. Let's go."

"Right, 99."

The second that they stepped inside, the Michael Jordan poster-door slid shut behind them, and they were immersed in total darkness.

"Oh jeez," Max whimpered, and 99 knew what was coming next. "I sure hope that there's no gollywoggles in here!" He clung to her side, gripping her shoulders so tightly that it hurt.

"No darling," she soothed, as she reached up and forced him to let go of her shoulders. She took her hands into his. "It's all right. And I'm sure that there are no gollywoggles in here."

"You're not just saying that?" Max asked her, squeezing her hands too tightly for her tastes. "To make me feel better, I mean?"

"No, love," she assured him. "I'm not just saying that. And I know we'll both feel a lot better when we find the flashlight in my purse. Let me just feel around in there, and maybe I can locate it . . ."

Max perked up. "You have a flashlight?" he asked hopefully, "Great, 99! Here, let me help you look. I'm pretty good at finding things in the dark, you know." He stuck his hand into her purse, and started to fish through her vast array of stuff. "Gee, 99," he muttered. "Honey, I think it's time that you cleaned out your purse."

99 smiled sheepishly. "Well, I had been meaning to do that . . ."

"I found it!" Max proclaimed, and he pulled it out of her purse. "Now, I'll turn it on." He flipped the switch, but nothing happened. "Hmm, I don't understand it, 99. It's not working. Could the batteries have ran out?"

"Impossible," she protested in confusion. "I just had the two hundred year batteries installed in that thing."

"Hmm," Max surmised. "Well, how long ago was that, 99?"

99 sighed. "Oh, Max. There must be some mistake."

"Well, let me take a closer look at it," he suggested, and he held it directly into his face, trying to focus on the object in the pitch black dark. He pushed the button again. This time, a sticky, wet substance shot out and hit him in the nose.

"Yuck!" he exclaimed, "Something wet and sticky just hit me in the face!"

"Really?" 99 asked in confusion. "Are the batteries leaking?"

Dabbing a finger into the sticky ooze, Max put it to his lips for a little taste. "Oh, wait, 99. This isn't battery acid, it's . . . toothpaste?"

"Oh, Max," she sighed again. "That isn't the flashlight. That's my toothpaste tube disguised as a flashlight!"

"Of course," Max muttered. "Well, what is the flashlight disguised as, then?"

"A toothpaste tube."

"Well, why didn't I think of that?" he countered sarcastically. He fished through her purse again, until he found the object that felt like a tube of toothpaste. He found the button and pushed it. It shined remarkably. "Yep," he commented, staring at the tube. "Crest does make everything brighter!" 99 smiled at him. "Well 99," he went on, "Let there be light! We may not know where we are going to, but at least we can see it as we go!"

"That's right, love."

After walking down a narrow stairway passage for nearly two minutes, the spies came across a closed door. On it was a sign that read: Quiet. On the air!

Broadcast in progress. Do not disturb! Underneath that sign was another one that read: Unless you work for Control. Max read it all carefully. "Hmm, 99," he murmured. "Do you think this could be the place?"

"I think that's a very big possibility, Max," she agreed, and they opened the door.

Creeping inside, they took note of their surroundings. On one side was an impromptu laboratory, filled with beakers, various colors of chemicals inside of them, and unfinished blue prints strewn all about. On the other side of the room was the radio studio, which housed it's own sound booth, and microphones.

"Well 99," Max whispered. "Now we know where, how, why and who. All we need to do is find out who that who is."

"There doesn't seem to be anyone here, Max," 99 observed, glancing about the place. "Why don't we take a look around?"

"Good idea."

The two secret agents began to wander purposely through the laboratory/radio studio, staring in awe, at the vast array of machines and gadgets. 99 couldn't help but to notice all of the posters on the wall, concerning famous, Hollywood spies: James Bond (every one of them!), I Spy, Secret Agent Man, The Avengers, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.; even Inspector Gadget! The room was like a spy museum. A regular shrine to the world of espionage.

"Hey, 99, come look at this," Max called to her from across the room. He held up an odd looking object for her to see.

Venturing over, 99 took a closer peek. "Careful Max," she warned him. "We don't want to break anything, or cause an accident."

Max, of course, ignored her warning. "Watch what happens when I press this button." He pressed it, and 99's earrings flew out of her ears, and over to the mysterious box, which opened up a sliver, and promptly devoured her favorite jewelry, before closing back up, and rendering itself lifeless once again.

"Max!" she declared. Those earrings had been her mother's.

"Yeah, I know, 99," he sympathized. "It got my watch, too."

"What is it?" she asked.

"Well," he theorized carefully. "It's either a powerful magnet, or a powerful vacuum."

"Actually, it's both."

Max nodded in agreement. "Yes, that's what I thought, too, 99."

"But Max!" she exclaimed.

Poor Max got a feeling in the pit of his stomach. "99, don't tell me that it wasn't you that answered me!"

"It wasn't me," she declared in alarm.

He shook his head. "I asked you not to tell me that!"

99 ignored his sarcasm. "I think the voice came from over by the desk," she surmised. "Let's go check it out."

"Do we have to?" Max asked fretfully.

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, we have to."

Instinctively joining hands, Max and 99 made their way slowly over to the desk. They both realized that this could be the moment of truth. It was time to meet Murray! They checked at the desk, under it, and all the way around it, but found no one, and nothing. When Max checked under the desk for the fifth time, he hit his head, coming back up, knocking over the chair, which, in turn, bumped into 99. She fell over the desk on impact, and the blue prints scattered all over the top of the desk, flew off in every direction, littering the floor.

"Jeez, 99," Max exclaimed. "Can't you watch where you're going? You made a big mess!"

99 loved Max. She truly did. But there were times- every once in a great while- that she just wanted to strangle him! This was quickly becoming one of those times.

"This is the best that Control has to offer?" came that same mysterious voice. "Maybe I should have just taken my chances with KAOS!"

99 was startled by the sound, and Max jumped nearly three feet into the air, because of it. Looking up above, they noticed something that they hadn't before.

High above the desk, fastened to the ceiling, was a small platform. It was currently occupied. And at the push of a button, the chair descended down to the desk.

It was still too dark to see clearly, but from the sound of the voice, 99 rationalized that it's owner was extremely young, and most assuredly, female. She watched anxiously as the chair landed on the desktop, and a small figure stepped off of it, and then leapt to the floor. 99 smiled. She had been right. Only someone youthful would attempt such a jump. And she just loved being right- even if a certain man in her life never seemed to notice.

"Man," the person complained. "You guys sure know how to destroy an office in record timing!"

"That's what we're trained for," Max said proudly. He eyed the new comer with what he believed to be a suave expression.

99 quickly intervened, not wanting Max to have the chance to put his foot in his mouth and blow their chances with the person who was almost assuredly Murray.

"Um, hello."

The small figure circled the secret agents warily, and for the first time, Max and 99 got a good look at her. She was short, with a sturdy frame. A little on the chubby side, which gave her a cherubic quality. Her hair was dark, like 99's, and cropped short, in a wedge style cut. Her eyes were dark brown, with just the slightest hint of a twinkle. And the smile- well, it was actually more like a smirk- was clever and impish.

99 was instantly enchanted. Max wasn't.

The little new comer eyed them both with a doubtful expression. "You're from Control?"

"That's right, young lady," Max obliged her. "Now, can you please tell us where to find Murray?"

"What do you mean?" she asked impatiently. "You're looking at her!"

Max dropped his jaw. "You're Murray?"

"Well, not Murray, as in M-U-R-R-Y. I'm Miri, as in M-I-R-I. It's a nickname, you see. Short for Miranda."

"Oh," Max murmured in comprehension. "You're that kind of Miri."

"And you are the scientist who's been broadcasting incredible inventions over to Control headquarters, via radio, for the past five days?" 99 asked, knowing full well that is was.

"Yes, lady, I am," the girl responded. "Well, in a manner of speaking . . ."

"What do you mean, in a manner of speaking?" Max demanded to know, getting suspicious. "I bet you're really not Miri, are you?"

The youngster scowled at the beady-eyed man. "Yes! I really am Miri! It's just that I'm not really a scientist." She lowered her head in shame.

"Ah ha!" Max exclaimed triumphantly. "So, you're not really a scientist!"

"That's what I just said," the girl sighed, rolling her eyes at him.

"You- you're not a scientist?" 99 repeated in alarm. Her face held a perplexed expression. This bit of news might very well change their mission dramatically.

"No, ma'am," Miri replied sadly. "Just an orphan."

"An orphan?" Max asked.

"Well, duh! I live here in the orphanage, don't I? You think I'm in this dump for my health?"

"Well, what are you doing here?" Max asked her, his suspicion of her growing.

"Just your everyday orphan activities, I suppose," Miri elaborated. "I go to school like all the others. I face the routine animosity of life. Right now, I'm stuck in puberty! That's not fun. I worry about being alone forever. And in my spare time, I make spy stuff."

"Oh," Max said.

"Where did you get all of those fantastic ideas from?" 99 asked the girl.

"From different spy movies, mostly," the girl explained. "Have you ever noticed that a lot of movies explain the plans to the weapons they make? And sometimes, they give you a glimpse of the blue prints from those plans. Well, thanks to my VCR, I can use slow motion to copy down everything they show. And one day, I did just that. Afterwards, I went about trying to put it together, and it just worked! Later, I started puttering around on my own, and I began making a lot of inventions!"

"Is the ray gun one of yours?" 99 asked her, retrieving it from her purse for a moment, and displaying it.

"Nope. Got that one from an old TV show. But the shoe phone answering machine is one of mine."

"Really?" Max asked, lifting up his shoe in appreciation. "Well, I must admit that I find it quite useful."

"Great. Thanks," Miri responded with a small smile. "But, uh, now that you guys know all about me, why don't you tell me all about you."

"What would you like to know?" Max asked.

"Hmm, well, some names would be nice," Miri said, in a smart alecky tone.

"We're the Control agents sent to help you," 99 told her soothingly.

"That's right," Max added, "I'm 86 and she's 99!"

"Wow! You guys look pretty darn good for your age," the girl declared, clearly impressed. "Has Control discovered the fountain of youth?"

"Oh, no dear," 99 chuckled. "Those aren't our ages; they're are agent numbers. All of us Control agents have them. The Chief of Control has been given strict orders by the president himself to come and rescue you from eminent danger. We're to bring you back to Control with us, where you will be offered a job in the science department."

"Really?" Miranda exclaimed ecstatically. "Cool! I'm so there! Let's go!" She retrieved two suitcases and a duffel bag from behind her desk.

"Now, just a minute here, missy!" Max interrupted. "We can't move that quickly. This is a government agency, after all! We can't just up and leave like that; one, two, three!"

"Why the heck not?" Miranda shrieked. "Look, 86 dude, at this very moment, KAOS is hot on your trail! Remember that note I made for you down at the old shack? Well, that was a self-destruct message note, set to explode thirty seconds after hitting the ground. Right after you two left out the back way, an enemy agent- who was tailing you! - picked up it outside and he was blown to smithereens!"

"Is that so?" Max asked in surprise.

"Of course, it is!" Miri muttered. "Being that you're a big Control agent, I'm really surprised that you didn't know!"

"Well, of course we knew!" Max retorted (secretly seething, because, in fact, he hadn't). "We were simply playing the patsy to go along with your plan! We're not just some pair of mindless Control agents! We've been trained to use our heads!"

99 and Miranda exchanged incredulous glances. "Could you repeat that?" Miri asked Max.

"Eh, I don't think so."

"Miranda," 99 inquired, going down a different track. "How old are you, dear?"

Standing tall, Miranda cleared her throat, and did her best to look taller and sound older. "Eh, would you believe that I'm almost twenty-one?"

99 smiled at the girl. "I find that pretty hard to believe." she admitted.

"Oh. Well, how about eighteen?"

"I don't think so," 99 stated gently.

Miranda sighed, sounding defeated. "All right, I'm really fifteen . . . and a half!"

"Do you expect us to believe that?" Max declared, eyeing the youth suspiciously.

"But I really am fifteen!" Miranda promised him. "Honest!"

"That's all right, sweetheart," 99 soothed her, standing in as a buffer for the two explosive personalities that were Max and Miranda. "We believe you. Don't we, Max?" She glanced pointedly at him.

He grumbled under his breath for a moment, before folding his arms, and muttering, "Sure, 99, whatever you say!"

Ignoring her husband's temper, 99 ventured a few steps closer to the young orphan, whereupon she rested a reassuring hand on Miranda's shoulder. "Listen, Miranda," she said. "If what you said about the KAOS agent is true, and I know it is, then you really are in grave danger, and we must get you back to Control headquarters immediately!"

Miranda looked up hopefully at the tall, gentle woman. "Really?" she exclaimed. "You mean, you're really going to rescue me?"

Getting into the fervor of the moment, Max suddenly appeared at the girl's side, and he clutched urgently at her elbow. "That's right! Let's get moving! Pronto!"

Gathering up her suitcases, Miranda looked up at Max in confusion, and asked, "What does the Lone Ranger's horse have to do with this?"

XXX

Meanwhile, right outside of the shack where 99 and Max had found Miri's note, two more darkly dressed figures had found the remains of the first one.

"I don't believe it!" the leader screamed, in an authoritative, German accent, "I simply don't believe it! It was Smart! I just know it!"

"How do you know that, Lord Siegfried?" the other asked, also speaking with a German accent. His was not so authoritative, though.

"Because of the distant smell in the air!"

Starker scratched his head in confusion for a moment, before realizing what his boss had meant. "Excuse me, sir," he began respectfully, ever mindful of Siegfried's over sized, but easily deflated ego. "But I think the word you're looking for is distinct, not distant."

Siegfried narrowed his eyes at his companion. "Don't push it, Starker," he warned. "Anyway, that's what I said. I can tell it was Smart, because of the distinct smell in the air!"

"But, what smell is it, my lord?"

"It is the odor of a most ghastly cologne, called Secret Agent Mystique. And Maxwell Smart is actually foolish enough to buy that stuff!"

"How do you know that it's the right cologne?" Starker asked skeptically.

Siegfried sighed. "Dumkuff! I know because it's the same brand that I wear!"

"Ah, yes, of course!" Starker replied in comprehension. "As usual, my lord, you are right!"

"Well, of course I am right, you stupid! Don't be ridiculous! And when we find Maxwell Smart, Starker, do you know what we are going to do to him?"

"No, your evilship, I don't know. What will we do?"

"We will torture him, and torture him, until he can stand it no more! And when that happens, we will torture him some more!" Siegfried wiped the mirthful tears from his eyes. "And then, I will finally have that little cookie all to myself!"

"What cookie is that, Lord Siegfried? Chocolate chip?"

"No, Starker, you idiot! I'm talking about Mrs. Maxwell Smart. Agent 99!"

"Oh," Starker said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "That cookie!" There was no denying the fact that both KAOS agents had a soft spot for their most beautiful and intelligent adversary.

"And," Siegfried went on. "By the time we are finished with him, he will look even worse than our man, here, Agent Wienerschnitzel!" He gestured to what was left of their comrade.

"Oh boy!" Starker exclaimed excitedly. "We're going to blow up Smart into teensy, weensy pieces! KAPLOOWY!"

"Starker!" Siegfried commanded. "This is KAOS! We don't kaploowy here!"

Starker lowered his head like the lowly toady he was. "Oh, yes master, I forgot that we don't kaploowy here." He began to pet Siegfried's arm.

Siegfried slapped his hand away. "Stop that, you dumkuff! Now, come on! We've got a genius to hunt down and kidnap!"

"And, an agent to kill!" Starker cheerfully reminded him.

"That's right," Siegfried hissed evilly. "An agent to kill! And not just any agent, but Agent 86! Ooh, how I hate that number!"

XXX

Whether it was fate, or karma, or just good, old fashioned stupidity, they weren't quite sure, but Max and 99 managed to leave the orphanage with Miranda at the exact moment that Siegfried and Starker had decided to walk away from the broken down shack. They were just bound to see each other. And they did!

99 had the most attentive eyes. "Max, look! It's Siegfried and Starker!"

"Well, what do you know, 99," Max responded pleasantly. "You're right. It is them. Gee, it's been forever since we've all seen each other."

"Max," 99 explained gently. "I don't think that this is a social call. I'm sure they're after Miranda."

Max hit himself on the forehead. "Of course! They're after Amanda- I mean, Miranda! We've got to get out of here!"

"Is he always this quick?" Miri muttered. "Jeez, I thought Control was going to send it's top agents!"

"We are Control's top agents!" Max bragged shamelessly, unaware of her insinuations. "The finest available!"

Miranda looked perplexed at Smart's sincerity. "Oh, man. I think we're in big trouble!"

"No, we're not," 99 assured the girl. She turned to her husband. "Max, we have to get Miranda to safety, and without Siegfried and Starker seeing us."

"Well, I think we're going to have a little trouble with that, 99," Max informed her. "They're coming this way right now. And they don't look too happy to see us, either."

"We're history!" Miranda moaned.

"Come on, Max," 99 urged. "We'll just have to outsmart them."

Max smiled confidently at his female companions. "That doesn't sound too hard."

99 sighed in realization. "Well, at least we can out run them, anyway. Come on!"

The trio ran, heading for the car. They had parked it at the Burger Barn restaurant, so they had a ways to go. Max led the way, with 99 covering the rear. They each held onto one of Miranda's hands, keeping her concealed in between them.

99 dared to look back. "Oh, no! Max, they're after us! And they're gaining on us!"

Max tried to think on his feet. They needed a plan, and right away. "I've got it!" he declared in inspiration. "Run faster!"

Miranda, still in between them, stared up at Max in disbelief. She'd only known Agent 86 for a short time, and already she was regretting it. Still, whatever the outcome of this dangerous adventure, she was glad to be a part of it. It beat pea-shelling day at the orphanage by a landslide!

They made it to the car.

"Hurry, Max!" 99 cried into his ear. "The keys!"

"Yes, well," Max said, searching through his pockets. "I must have given them to you, 99."

"No, Max!" she replied frantically. "I gave them to you, remember? You said that you'd hold onto them for safe keeping."

"Hmm," Max contemplated. "Well, then I think that I may have dropped them. Maybe I should retrace my steps and . . ."

"We're history!" Miranda groaned again.

"There's no time for that, Max," 99 shrieked. Then her brilliant mind devised a plan. "I know, Max! Your gun!"

"Right!" he replied, brightly, then reached for his holster, only to find it empty.

"Uh oh," he moaned.

"Oh, man," Miri sighed. "Let me guess! You dropped your gun, too, right?"

"Well, of course I didn't, young lady!" Max snapped at her. "Huh! Shows what you know! What kind of secret agent would just drop his gun?"

"Then, where is it?" she asked.

"It's in the shop, for repairs," he explained lamely.

With a world-weary sigh, Miranda turned to 99. "Well, what about you, lady? Do you have a gun?"

"Mine is in the shop, too," she admitted sheepishly. "And they were having this two for one special on repairs at the Control weapons division." She thrust her hand into her purse. "All I have is your . . . hey! The ray gun! Miranda, I have your ray gun!"

"Thank the Lord!" Miri proclaimed.

Max reached for the gun. "Here, 99, you'd better let me use that thing."

99 shook her head in the negative. "No, I'm sorry, Max, but the Chief expressly asked that I be the one to keep track of it."

"But he didn't say he wanted you to use it!" Max pointed out, trying to wrestle it from his wife's hands.

"Wait a minute, guys," Miranda stepped in. "Given the fact that I actually made the gun, then maybe I should be the one to use it."

"No way," Max argued. "You're too young. Besides, I'll bet you don't own a gun license. Ray or otherwise!"

"But it's mine!" Miri shouted. She grabbed a hold of the gun, as well, yanking with all of her might.

Siegfried and Starker arrived on the scene just in time to see Max, 99 and Miranda pull the gun apart in three pieces.

"Great!" Miranda muttered, glaring at Max. "Some secret agent you are!"

"Oh yeah?" he retorted. "Well, what did you put it together with? Elmer's glue?"

"Well, it's all I had!"

"Enough!" Siegfried interrupted them, aiming his own gun at them. "As appreciative as I am for your thoughtful gesture of disarming yourselves, must you keep up with that irrigating chatter?"

"Huh?" Miri asked, voicing all of their confusion.

"Uh, Lord Siegfried," Starker whispered discreetly. "I believe the word you're looking for is irritating, not irrigating."

"That's what I said, you stupid!" Siegfried shouted into his henchman's face. "Jeez, I am surrounded by idioms!"

"Don't you mean idiot, Siegfried?" Max asked helpfully.

"What? Oh, yes. That's exactly what I mean. Thank you, Smart."

"No problem," Max replied graciously. "I mean, I've been called an idiot in my day, but never an idiom, so I figured you had made a mistake."

"Thank you, Smart," Siegfried repeated graciously. "Now, please . . . shut up! The two and a half of you are coming with me!"

"What do you mean, the two and a half of us?" 99 asked her opponent, with thinly veiled hostility.

Siegfried didn't mind 99's hateful glare. He actually thought she looked cute when she was angry. "I was merely referring to the kid, here. She's just a little shorty! Ha! On second thought, so are you, Smart!"

"Hey, Siegfried!" Max declared angrily. "I don't take too kindly to short jokes!"

"Why not?" Siegfried replied smugly. "You are one!"

XXX

One hour later, the trio found themselves setting up shop in the dungeonlike basement at KAOS headquarters.

"Man, this really sucks!" Miranda muttered in frustration. "I knew I should have just listened to my mother and been a regular orphan, like everyone else!"

"Or, you could have been a singing orphan, like Annie," Max suggested.

"Alas, no," Miranda sighed. "I just don't have the voice for it."

Max nodded in agreement. "Yeah. Come to think of it, you don't have the hair or the eyes for it, either."

"Brilliant observation," Miranda retorted. She wondered just what she had done that was so awful as to deserve this. Her life was already full of remorse and loneliness. Four years ago, her parents had been killed, and before she could catch her breath, she had been thrown into the orphanage to rot. But after two years of brooding, and two more of planning, Miranda had devised this plan to escape. And she had escaped! But to what? She left one bad situation behind, at the orphanage (which, was maybe a little boring and lonely, but at least relatively safe) and stepped into another, with an idiotic Control agent, and she'd fallen directly into the hands of the enemy. She just had figured that Control would have sent some suave, handsome James Bond type; instead, Heckell and Jeckell had come to her aid. It was quite disappointing.

"What do you think they're going to do to us, Max?" 99 asked fretfully.

"I really don't know, 99. They'll probably torture us and the kid here, until she turns to their side, and until we give away some vital, secret information about Control. Then, they'll probably keep Miranda as their slave, and put some sort of mind controlling device on her. And when they're done interrogating us, they'll most likely shoot us in the backs; run over us with a bull dozer; blow us up; cut us down to size; and then feed us to their pet piranhas. Of course, that's just a guess."

"I'm sorry I asked," 99 muttered.

"Well, we've got to find some way out of here," Miranda proclaimed. "I refuse to be a slave to anyone! And the two of you certainly aren't fit to be fish bait!"

99 smiled affectionately at the girl, who reminded her a lot of her own daughter. "That's really sweet of you to say so, dear."

"I mean it," Miranda went on, her voice rising in pitch and conviction. "I'm not going to turn to the enemy! And I would never give them the satisfaction of killing you! After all, you did save me from a rotten life at the orphanage. The least I could do is save yours!"

99 and even Max was impressed with the child's speech. It was a little on the long-winded side, but the sentiment rang true.

Before either agent could commend young Miranda on her strength and determination, Siegfried and Starker opened the door at the top of the stairs, and walked down. They each carried a large gun.

"I surrender!" Miri squeaked, putting her tiny hands into the air.

"Ah ha!" Siegfried cackled triumphantly. "I knew that you would!" He turned and whispered to Starker. "We're even more menacing than I thought."

Max and 99 stared at the girl in utter disbelief.

"But- but you said that you'd never surrender to the enemy," she stammered.

Miranda shrugged. "A girl has a right to change her mind."

"But, you said you'd never let anything happen to us!" Max protested in outrage.

Miri looked him straight in the eye. "I lied."

"Oh," Max said sadly.

The girl turned to her captor. "Commander Siegfried, isn't it?"

"No dear," the KAOS agent informed her. "I was promoted from commander three years ago. I am now Lord Siegfried."

"Oh, well, congratulations," she stated, with an impish grin. "And might I add that you certainly apprehended us with the utmost efficiency."

"Huh?" Siegfried asked.

Max went it over in his mind. "I think she means that you kidnapped us good."

"Precisely," Miranda agreed.

Siegfried clicked his heels together in a formal bow. "Ah! Why, thank you, young frauline. You're very perceptive."

"Yes, I am," Miri said simply. "Anywho, since I am so impressed with your daring and intelligent showing today, I have decided that KAOS is the better agency for me, and I would be delighted to become a part of your team here."

"Really?" Siegfried asked in surprise.

"Really?" Max asked in disappointment.

"Really," she confirmed.

"But already?" Starker pouted. "She's already willing to join us? We didn't even get to torture her first!"

"Don't worry, Starker," Siegfried soothed his toady. "You'll still have Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 to torture. And they'll be even funner!"

"More fun," 99 corrected him absently.

Starker nodded approvingly, with a huge grin on his face. To 99, he and Siegfried resembled two vultures, circling their prey. And she and Max were the prey! But that didn't seem to matter so much as the hurt she'd felt over the betrayal of Miranda. The girl she had gone out to find and protect. The girl she had grown to care for in only a short amount of time. 99 was usually a good judge of character . . . except when it came to orphans.

Starker fished through his side coat pocket until he produced a miniature bullwhip, in which he displayed it proudly, for all to see.

"Wow," Miranda beamed. "Just like Indiana Jones!"

"You know, you're not the first person to notice that," Starker bragged, giving her his best Harrison Ford imitation.

"Not you!" Miranda protested. "I meant the bull whip! What's it for, anyway?"

"It's for whipping," Starker cordially explained. "Only not for bulls, but for stupid, sissy Control agents, you little twit!"

"Starker!" Siegfried scolded him. "This is KAOS! We don't refer to our greatest scientists as twits here!"

"Now, just a minute!" Max cut in. "You've got the girl! Why not let 99 and I go? After all, what have we ever done to you?"

Siegfried narrowed his eyes. "Let's see now, Smart . . . You've held us at gun point; tailed us; messed up our evil schemes. Like the time you switched my place with my sissy, goody two-shoes brother, Helmut. And the time you stopped us from killing all the potatoes in Idaho! And the time we had that really great submarine. Ooh-!"

"And don't forget what they did to us on Scwartz's Island." Starker reminded him.

Siegfried got angrier at the very memory. "Ah! And that was such a good one, too!"

"Bad point to make, Max," 99 whispered.

"I meant besides those things," Max muttered.

"Listen, Lord Siegfried," Miranda intervened quickly. "Can't this torture stuff wait awhile? I have a lot of important inventions to show you. My mind is like a soaking sponge, sucking in knowledge, and dispensing it freely. And you know the old saying: An idle sponge is an unhappy sponge."

Max and 99 eyed the girl in confusion. Neither of them had ever heard of such an expression.

"Ah, yes," Siegfried answered in instant comprehension. "I've heard that before. Yes, I suppose we should get you upstairs. But first, we must tie up our prisoners!"

"Yeah!" Starker exclaimed happily. "We get to tie them up into lot's of little knotties!"

"I think you're a little knotty," Siegfried muttered. "Starker, tie them up!"

"Ya, my leader!" Starker obeyed, then proceeded to tie the Smarts up into the chairs he had ordered them to sit upon. It didn't take too long, as Starker was the KAOS champion at knot tying. "Well, Lord Siegfried, all done!"

"Good!" Siegfried replied merrily, as he gazed down at the two Control agents. He gave them a menacing smile. "And, just so the two of you don't get any ideas about escaping, I've had Starker tie you up with double whammy KAOS knots!"

"Gee, Siegfried," Max grumbled. "That hardly seems fair. How do you expect us to get out of those?"

"Ha! I don't! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to be going. But don't worry my dear, old friends, I'll be back later for T time!"

"Tea time?" Max asked hopefully. "Great! Can I have lemon in mine, please?"

Siegfried groaned at his greatest adversary's ineptness. "Oh, no, Smart! Not tea time. I'm saying T time. T as in torture! We will torture you, until you can stand it no more! And that will be the end of the great Maxwell Smart!" He paused and looked lovingly at 99. "And you, too, cookie!"

"Wonderful," 99 hissed at him. "I'd hate to feel left out!"

He smiled at the beautiful and charming woman, then bounded up the stairs, with Starker and Miranda in tow.

"Oh, Max," 99 groaned, once they were alone, "We're really in a bind, this time! Here we are, supposed to have rescued the little scientist from the evil clutches of KAOS, and then she winds up joining them! I don't think the chief is going to like this."

"Ah, he'll get over it," Max soothed her. "It's really the president's reaction that I'm worrying about."

"Jeez," 99 sighed wearily. "I don't even want to think about what the president's reaction will be!"

"Well then," he suggested. "Let's try to get out of here!"

The couple struggled against the ropes for nearly ten minutes. They tried to undo the knots; they tried pulling them apart; they tried slipping underneath them; even biting through them. Nothing worked.

"Oh, Max," 99 muttered. "This isn't working. We've got to think of another way. A new plan."

"Well," Max ventured thoughtfully. "We could sit here and wait for Siegfried and Starker to come back and torture us."

"I think we need a different plan, Max."

"Right!"

The door began to creak open at the top of the stairs. Both Control agents looked up at it fearfully.

99 gasped. "Oh, no, Max! Here they come! This is it! Hold me!"

Max would have loved to have held her, but considering they were tied back to back, and bound so tightly together, it proved more than a little difficult. "Eh," he said. "Would you settle for holding hands?"

A small figure came into view and descended down the staircase, carrying a duffel bag. "Hey dude and dudette!" Miri said cheerfully. "How you guys holding up down here?"

"Just fine, thank you!" Max roared. "As if you cared!"

"But I do care!" Miranda protested, wearing a hurt expression. "Why do you think I said all that junk about defecting to KAOS in the first place?"

"Because you found out the pay is better at KAOS?" Max asked curiously.

"No, it's because I . . . wait a minute! Did you just say that the pay is better with KAOS?"

99 was exasperated. By Miranda for even pondering such a notion, and at Max for putting the idea into the girl's head. "Listen, Miranda," she said in a clipped tone. "The hard work and dedication you put in at Control, and knowing that your efforts are being used for good should be more than enough reward! - even without pay!"

"I know, ma'am," Miri respond respectfully. "And I'm all for the side of good! But, I'll still get . . . paid, won't I?"

"Yes, of course," 99 sighed.

"Good," the girl said with a smile. "Now that my salary negotiations have settled, I suppose it's time to rescue you two, and get away from this nut house from he. . . from H-E- double toothpicks!"

"My sentiments exactly," 99 agreed. "Hurry and untie us."

"Just a second now," Max announced, eyeing the youngster suspiciously. "Don't you come one step closer until you've proven that you're on the side of niceness, and not evil!"

"But Max!" 99 pleaded. "We don't have time for this!"

"I'm sorry, 99, but I refuse to be persuaded otherwise, until I am completely convinced that she is not rotten!"

"Hey, I came down here, didn't I?" Miri remarked simply.

Max pondered the notion for a moment. "Hmm. Okay. You may untie us now; I'm completely convinced."

"Oh," Miranda muttered sarcastically. "That's a relief!" She tried to undo the knots, but couldn't seem to do much with them.

"Blast that Starker, and his double, whammy, KAOS knots!" Max cursed under his breath.

"Don't worry," Miri assured him. "I've got it covered." She pulled a large, plush Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle doll from out of her duffel bag.

"Oh, great!" Max groaned. "We're stuck in knots, and she's playing dolls! And that is one, ugly doll, I might mention! The skin tone on that thing is horrible!"

"It's not a doll," Miri explained, rolling her eyes. "It's Raphael. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle."

"Ah! Well, that would explain the green skin."

"But how will Raphael help us get out of here?" 99 inquired doubtfully.

Miranda pushed a button, located on the turtle's utility belt, and a switchblade popped out of it. "Like this," she said simply, and she began to cut through the ropes. "See?"

Max was delightfully astounded. "Wow! The old switch-blade-in-the-

Teenage-Mutant-Ninja-Turtle trick! Good thinking…for a kid."

"Good thinking for anyone," 99 amended him, as she fought her way out of the ropes, then disentangled Max. "Amazing work, Miranda."

Young Miri blushed furiously at all of the positive attention. The last time anyone had paid her this much attention, it had been the mistress of the orphanage, who had scolded her for blowing up the library with one of her experiments. "Thank you, ma'am."

"Come on, gang," 99 urged, grabbing each of her companions by the hand. "Let's get out of here!"

"Right!" Max agreed.

"You'll get no arguments from me," Miri added.

The three of them raced up the stairs.

"By the way, kid," Max asked. "How did you escape from the evil clutches of Siegfried and Starker?"

"Oh, that was easy," she assured him. "I have a pen that squirts out whip cream."

"And that's how you escaped?" Max asked incredulously. "What did you do, distract them with dessert toppings?"

"Let me finish, Max," she growled. "You see, the whip cream has a sleep inducing powder mixed into it. But it doesn't last very long, so we'd better get moving."

"Right, kid," Max agreed, then reached for the doorknob.

"Hurry, Max!" both 99 and Miranda shouted into each of his ears.

"But the door is stuck!"

"Let's all push together," 99 suggested sensibly.

"Good thinking, 99!" Miranda complimented.

"Thank you, dear!"

They all began pushing together. Suddenly, the door came open, and the three of them fell to the floor on the outside of the room. Siegfried and Starker were standing over them with whip cream drenched faces. Make that whip cream drenched angry faces!

"And that's Mr. Smart to you, missy!" Max snapped irritably at the girl.

XXX

"Man, talk about coming full circle!" Miri muttered, as the KAOS agents tied the girl up. "We're right back where we started from!"

"What do you mean, full circle?" Max asked, with narrowed eyes at the girl. "You weren't the one tied up before! It was me and 99!" He, too, was tied up.

When it came to 99's turn, she shrugged and faced Starker. "Why fight it?" she sighed, and allowed him to tie her up, as well.

"Wise choice, cookie," Siegfried complimented her. "That way, you will have more energy for when you die!"

"Isn't that reassuring," 99 muttered.

"You see," Siegfried explained. "We are tying the three of you up to each other, right next to the furnace pipe. And then we will leave. But-"

"Of course," Max interrupted. "There's always a but with you, isn't there, Siegfried?"

"That's right!" Siegfried cried in delight, rubbing his hands together in anticipation, "And this is a big but! Because we are setting up a bomb in the furnace, and it will go off as soon as it heats up enough; which will happen in approximately . . . ten minutes."

"Everything's all set, your lordship," Starker called from the top of the stairs. "We may go now. Because in ten minutes, this whole building will go up in smoke with one, big WHOOSH!"

"Staker," Siegfried reminded him. "This is KAOS. We don't whoosh here."

"Oops, I forgot about that whooshing rule," Starker apologized. "Sorry, sir."

"Well, my fellow agents, and genius, "Siegfried said with a dramatic flare. "It is time for me to bid ado. And remember," he said, as he began closing the door, "A rose by any other name-"

"Would still stink!" Max shouted in retort.

"Ugh! I knew I should have put a higher dosage of sleeping powder in that whip cream," Miranda scolded herself. "I blame myself."

"Me, too," Max agreed wholeheartedly, until he noticed the stern gaze 99 was sending his way.

"Well?" Miri went on, looking expectantly at them. "How are we going to get out of here now?"

Max was too scared and upset to think rationally (well, to think, anyway). "You're supposed to be the big genius! Why don't you tell me?"

"And you're supposed to be the spy!" she shot back. "Control's top agent, remember?"

"Oh yeah?" Max challenged cleverly.

"Yeah!"

"Oh yeah," he recalled suddenly. "That's right. I guess I am."

"Would you two please stop this bickering?" 99 asked, on the verge of a headache, and sick to death of their arguing. It brought out too many memories with her own kids that she cared to deal with. "Now listen," she went on, ignoring the shocked stares of her companions. "We've got to find a way out of this mess.

KAOS must not be allowed to get away with this . . . this . . . butchery! They must be stopped! Put out of business- permanently!"

"Great speech, 99!" Max beamed proudly at his wife. "Now, you wouldn't happen to have a plan to get out of here, so we can put KAOS away for good, would you?"

"Miranda," 99 asked hopefully. "Do you have another ninja turtle concealed among your person? Leonardo, maybe?"

"No such luck, lady," Miranda sighed in defeat. "Jeez, I guess this is it, huh! I'm doomed to suffer a fate, just like my parents. I only wish I could have gone with them, instead of rotting away in an orphanage for four years, first."

"What do you mean, sweetheart?" 99 asked in confusion and concern. She didn't like the sound of that at all.

"Well, that orphanage you guys picked me up from," Miranda mumbled sadly. "It's actually a spies orphanage I was in, on account that my parents were innocent victims to KAOS."

"A spies orphanage?" Max repeated in disbelief.

"Yeah, that's where they send the kids whose parents were late agents- to both KAOS and Control. But they also send kids there, whose parents were innocent victims of agents. Like me. See, my mom and dad were killed one night, coming home from a party, by KAOS agents."

"Were they caught in a cross fire?" 99 asked fretfully.

"No," Miranda elaborated. "They were coming home from a costume party, and they were dressed as spies. Some KAOS agents must have seen them, and, since they didn't recognize them, the enemy agents must have assumed that they were from Control, or something, because they just . . . killed them . . ."

Max and 99 glanced to each other, wearing heartbroken expressions, before returning their attention back to their young charge. "Gee, sport," Max said, with genuine sympathy. "I'm really sorry to hear that."

The girl ignored Max's words of comfort, and plowed on through, with the rest of her story. "Yeah, and right after the . . . accident, I was taken away from my remaining family, and brought to the spies orphanage. That way, there would be no more traces of my parents left, to come back and haunt them. I guess it was a big government scandal, or something, and they wanted to keep it hush hush." By the time she had finished her oratory, Miranda had tears running down her cheeks.

99 was equally emotional, and her maternal instincts were just screaming to be of use. "Oh honey," she sobbed, struggling against the ropes. "If I wasn't tied up right now, I'd give you the biggest hug . . ."

"That's okay," Miranda sniffled, looking gratefully over at the woman. "It's the thought that counts."

"That's it!" Max shouted, all of a sudden. "It is the thought that counts! So, maybe, if I just close my eyes . . . There's no place like Control . . ." he began to chant.

Miranda stared at the man in frank disbelief. She looked at 99. "Is he for real?"

99 nodded with an embarrassed smile.

But Max's misguided energy actually helped them out of their predicament, when his two heels clicked together, causing the switchblade in the heel of his right shoe, to eject. "Ouch! 99, I think I just stabbed myself in the leg!"

"With what, Max?"

He glanced down. "Oh. It was just my Swiss Army Shoe switch blade coming out," he replied absently.

"Max!" 99 cried jubilantly. "Your shoe blade! We can use it to get out of here!"

He smiled patiently at her. "Eh, if you don't mind, 99, I'd like to handle this myself. Now, you see, girls, I'm going to use this switch blade to get us out of here!"

99 returned the smile. "Good thinking, Max!"

The agent then went about the task of cutting through as many ropes as he could get to until they were free of the pole they'd been tied up to, but still connected to each other.

"Let me get that rope off of you, 99," Max offered.

"No, Max!" she screeched glancing down at her watch. "There's no time! We only have ninety seconds to vacate the building before it blows sky high! We have to run!"

They did try to run, but they weren't going very fast, and they all resembled someone trying to steal a pair of shoes from K-Mart.

"Aw, jeez!" Miri muttered. "Don't run. Hop! We might live longer that way!"

So, they hopped up the steps, through the door, and out to the parking lot. Once outside, 99 spied the parking lot spikes (the kind that keep people from driving their cars to where they shouldn't drive them), and she pointed. "Look!" she exclaimed, "The spikes! Run- uh, hop! - to the spikes! Follow me!"

One by one, in a straight line, they hopped over to the spikes. "Do as I do," 99 instructed them, and she jumped over the spikes, which broke apart the ropes binding her feet close together as she landed. Max and Miranda followed suit, although Max tripped, and fell inches away from the sharp spikes.

"Missed me by that much!" he sighed to himself.

Quickly, 99 and Miranda managed to help him to his feet, and they raced across the parking lot, their arms still tied behind their backs. Without warning, the building they had just evacuated blew up with great force, and the trio huddled together in a tight circle, burying their faces against the shoulder of another, until the last of the debris had fallen.

Max was the first to look up at the smoldering mess. He sighed in relief. "Well, we made it, gang."

"Yeah," 99 agreed, still trembling from the intensity of the explosion.

"Man," Miranda added. "I don't know about you guys, but I don't ever want to do that again!"

"I hear ya, kid!" Max said. "But now, it's back to business. We have to get you back to Control headquarters, Miri."

"I know," she replied. "But how will we get ourselves untied?"

"I can take care of that little incidental, sport," Max offered. "Now, everybody turn around, back to back to back, and I'll have us untied in a jiffy!"

Reluctantly, the girls agreed, and did as he said. Max played with their ropes with his fingers for awhile.

"Did you get it yet, Max?" 99 asked doubtfully.

"Patience, 99," he told her. "I almost have it. There! I think I've got it now!"

All three of them attempted to walk in different directions, and pull their bound hands apart, only to be pulled back, being forced to the ground, and landing, in a great, big heap!

"Oh, Max," 99 sighed wearily. "You didn't untie us. You tied us all together!"

"Oh. Yes, well, sorry about that."

"You know," Miranda waxed philosophical. "A job at KAOS doesn't sound so bad, right now."

99 sighed again. "I hear you, Miranda, I hear you."

XXX

Don't ask how, but somehow, Max, 99 and Miranda did manage to eventually make it back to Control headquarters, and boy, 99 was sure glad they did! Max and Miri had argued all the way there, as they argued now, while they were being untied in the chief's office, by Larabee.

"Man," Miranda muttered. "If I never get tied up to you again, Max, it'll be too soon!"

"Hey! That's Mr. Smart to you, kid!" he muttered back. "And that goes double for me!"

"You know something," the girl snapped, becoming fed up with Max's superiority complex (something she felt he had no business having). "You don't deserve your last name! I wouldn't call you Smart if you won a Pulitzer Prize!"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah!"

The new chief was flabbergasted at the battle of the (t)wits ensuing before him. "99," he asked. "What is going on here?"

99, who was currently feeling (and looking) her age at the moment, gave him a world-weary groan. "They're fighting," she stated flatly. "It's what they've been doing since they met this afternoon. And if you think that it sounds bad right now, try being tied up with them for two hours!"

"I'll take your word for it," N.C. said quickly, patting her shoulder sympathetically, but not envying her last two hours one bit. He himself just couldn't believe that the scientific genius behind all of the great inventions was only a girl of fifteen. And even more incredible was the fact that this girl got most of her ideas from old spy movies. It was simply mind-boggling. N.C. turned back to the conversation- or rather, the argument- going on between his top agent and the child prodigy.

99 had already given up on the situation, and was resting comfortably in a chair in the corner, trying to tune everybody out of her mind. It wasn't easy.

"Oh, yeah?" Max repeated for the countless time. "I wouldn't talk! Just look at your hair! What kind of a hair cut is that?"

"A cool one!" Miri insisted.

"Proper ventilation has nothing to do with it," Max insisted meanly. "It's awful! Absolutely awful! What kind of a genius wears their hair like that?"

"Well, in all fairness, I never honestly said I was a genius," Miranda corrected him. "You guys jumped to that conclusion yourselves. All I do is make spy stuff. That's all. I'm no genius. I'll be the first to admit that. I mean, I got a C in math last semester. And I never called myself a scientist, either. I don't pretend to be something I'm not- which is more than I can say for you!"

"That's a lie!" Max roared. "I never pretended to be a scientist!"

"No," she snapped. "Just a spy!"

"You know what your problem is, kid?" Max hissed at her. "You've been an orphan for so long, you haven't had a good spanking in years! Well, I'd say that you're just about due!" He lunged at her, who ducked behind N.C. Max ran into him, and the three of them toppled to the ground.

"Really, Max," 99 sighed in disappointment. "You should have much better control over your emotions."

"Hey, get off of me!" Miri yelled from the bottom of the pile. "I can't breathe!"

99 helped Max to his feet, and they helped N.C. up, who pulled Miranda up to an upright position.

"Now, please Max," N.C. pleaded. "Control yourself! She's just a child!"

"No, she's not," Max hissed, narrowing his squinty eyes. "She's the devil!"

"You take that back!" Miranda yelled, clearly stung. "I mean it!"

"Max!" 99 stammered in shock. "Miranda's right. You take that back this instant! She's a nice little girl. She's just a little . . . high spirited."

"You mean, she's a little mean spirited," Max corrected her.

"Max!" both 99 and N.C. screamed at him.

"Okay, okay, I take it back. Miranda, you're not the devil."

"Good," she pouted.

"You're just his child!"

"I am not!" the girl whined. His words had really hurt her.

"Maxwell!" 99 declared.

Max felt the tension building up and sitting upon his head. 99 rarely got angry, and when she did, it was usually pretty mild. But when she called him Maxwell, she was downright livid. That was not a good thing for 99 to be.

"Hoo boy," he whispered softly.

XXX

The fight had ended. The war was halted. Each opponent had felt themselves to be the true victor, even if the judges had deemed it a draw. The two battling warrriors were then hustled off to separate corners. Max was kept with Larabee and N.C. in his office, while they urged him to forget about everything else, and told him to just calmly explain what had happened on the mission thus far, so he related his and 99's adventures of rescuing the kid from the orphanage, and their plight when Siegfried and Starker showed up.

99 had taken Miranda to the lab to familiar herself with the room and available equipment. After the tour had ended, Miranda sat silently for awhile, just looking over all of the tools and gadgets she now had access to. 99 kept an affectionate eye on her. Finally, Miranda put down the tools and concentrated her attention on the Control agent. "99," she began in a meek, little voice.

"Yes, dear?"

"I'd like to . . . sort of clear the air, if I may?"

The secret agent dropped what she was doing, and gave the youngster her full attention. "Of course, Miranda. What's on your mind?"

"Well, first of all, I want to . . . apologize for my . . . unprofessional behavior. I know I was acting really stupid. I mean, all that fighting with Max. I'm sure it's just a personality clash, or something. And it's not that I hate your partner, or anything, it's just . . . well, I think it's just that I can't stand to be around him is all.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I usually don't act so . . . adolescent."

"There's nothing wrong with acting adolescent, when you are an adolescent," 99 replied generously.

Miranda warmed to the kind woman immediately, certain now that she had made a friend for life. "Thanks, 99. You're a very understanding person. And cool, too."

99 touched the girl's arm, and she smiled. "Oh Miranda, you flatter me. I'm only human, just the same as anyone else. And as for not getting along with Max too well, I can understand that. After working with Max for almost thirty years, and being married to him for over twenty, I realize that he's not the easiest person to understand sometimes."

"You- you're married to him?" Miri squeaked in shock.

"Well, yes. I thought that you knew that."

The girl shook her head. "No. Never would have guessed!"

99 shrugged it off. "Well, we do try to keep our private lives separate from our professional lives."

"No, it's not that," Miri insisted, "It's just so hard to believe that you knew Max for that long, and you still married him!" Her eyes widened in horror. "Oh, I didn't mean to say that. What I meant was . . . um, what I'm trying to say is . . . oh man, I am really sorry I said that." She dropped her face in her hands.

"Oh honey," 99 soothed in a motherly tone, "It's all right. I'm not angry at you. And, I suppose that I can . . . understand your surprise on the matter. It's pretty safe to say that Max and I aren't your average, American couple."

"Agent 86 isn't your average American anything," the girl blurted, before becoming embarrassed by her big mouth yet again.

"Yes," 99 laughed, "I suppose you're right on that point, too. But please don't think of my Max as some horrible ogre. He's really a kind, sweet and wonderful man. Do you think that I'd still be married to him after all these years if he wasn't?"

"No, I guess not," Miri had to agree.

"Actually, Miranda," 99 added, smiling lovingly at the child, "I think he's a lot like you."

"Like me?" Miri asked in shock.

"Yes, of course. He's such a good person, with a good heart, but sometimes, he just tries too hard, and . . . and . . ."

"And he acts like a complete idiot!" Miranda finished knowingly.

"That's one way of putting it," 99 agreed diplomatically. She put her arm around the girl's shoulder.

"Well," Miri went on, reveling in the woman's warm embrace, "That's the way I am all the time. And, I know your hubby isn't . . . that bad. I just wish he didn't hate me so much."

"Oh Miranda, you're wrong. So very wrong. Max doesn't hate you. He . . . loves kids. He just has a little trouble . . . expressing his affections."

"Ha!" Miranda retorted, "That's the understatement of the decade! Before we left for the lab awhile ago, Max pulled me aside and asked me if I had gotten my hair cut by a blind barber with a weed whacker!"

99 tried to stifle her laughter. She failed miserably. When she noticed her young charge scowling beside her, she said, "Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart. I know, it wasn't really funny, it's just, well, that's just typical Max. If you knew him as well as I do, then you'd know this."

"Gee, he must be a barrel of laughs at parties," the girl muttered, "But I still say that he hates my guts."

"That's nonsense, darling," 99 assured her with complete conviction, "I mean it."

"How can you be so sure?" Miri pressed, "He seems to hold some sort of personal vendetta against me, or something. And I've only known him for a couple of hours!"

99 grew silent for a moment. Her face turned serious, her tone quiet. "Miranda," she began in a hoarse whisper, "I'm going to tell you something very important- very tragic- about Max and I, but I want you to promise that you won't ever mention it to Max."

"No problem," she agreed casually.

"You'll have to do better than that, I'm afraid," 99 informed her, still the epitome of grave seriousness.

"Okay, already," Miri sighed impatiently. She held a hand to her heart to recite her oath. "Cross my heart and hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye. Let my brains and liver fry! Eat a cow manure pie-"

"That will be more than adequate, dear," 99 quickly interrupted, not even wanting to know what could possibly top that.

"So, what's the beef?" the girl asked, staring curiously into the beautiful woman's troubled face.

"Well," 99 began solemnly, "A few months after Max and I got married, I became pregnant."

Miranda poked 99 in the ribs, giving her a knowing wink. "Boy," she snickered, "You guys didn't waste any time!"

"Very funny," 99 countered, "But this is a serious matter, Miranda. Now, after he found out about the pregnancy, Max was absolutely ecstatic about becoming a father. He was prepared to teach his son how to play baseball, how to climb a tree, and how to do everything a boy should do."

"Let me guess," Miri broke in, "You had a girl instead, and his manhood was permanently injured, so he's been resentful to female children ever since. Right?"

"Wrong. Max and I were blessed with twins- a boy and a girl. Max and I adored them both; and we treated them equally. We raised them as best as we could- which is all any parent can do. We had the perfect family unit. We shared everything. Life was . . . good." She bowed her head sadly.

"So, what's the big tragedy?" Miranda asked in confusion.

"Like I said, everything was going well; until the . . . incident."

"Incident?" the girl repeated in alarm.

"Yes," 99 sniffled shamelessly, "And we lost them both at once. It was horrid!"

Miranda wasn't sure what to do. 99 had obviously opened up a huge can of worms, and it was tearing her apart. The girl gingerly put her arms around the woman. "Hey, 99. It's okay. Don't cry. You don't have to go on."

Agent 99 wiped her eyes, and shook her head. "Yes, I must. I've been . . . holding it inside of me for too long now. It's time to face the truth."

"Well, what is the truth?" Miri asked cautiously, "Did they . . . die?"

99 shook her head, unable to talk.

"Hmm," the girl continued to guess, "Did they . . . turn to KAOS, then?" She figured that might make Control parents angry.

"No, even worse," 99 sobbed, "They . . . they . . . they joined the CIA!" And she began to cry harder.

"The CIA?" Miri asked in disbelief, "Eek! I could understand joining Control, or even the FBI. But the CIA? What the heck for?"

99 shrugged. "Does one ever really know why a person joins the CIA?"

"I see your point," Miranda had to admit, "But don't cry. It's all right. At least they're on your side, anyway? You've got to accentuate the positive?"

The secret agent smiled gratefully at the little girl who was taking great pains to comfort her. She squeezed young Miranda tight. "Gee," she whimpered, "Are all orphans this cheerful?"

"Nah," Miri replied with a smirk, "Just me and Pollyanna!"

99 laughed appreciatively. "Aw, Miranda, you're just the sweetest, little thing!"

The orphan grinned in embarrassment. She averted her eyes, and tried to hide her blushing. After a moment of hemming and hawing, she turned back to face the kind, beautiful stranger again. "Hey, 99?"

"Yes, dear?"

"What's your real name?"

Max walked into the lab. He took one look at 99 and knew that something was amiss. He started over to her. "99, what's wrong?" he asked in concern, before tripping over his own two feet, and landing on the floor in front of her.

"Enjoy your trip, secret agent man?" Miri smirked good-naturedly. Max was surprised when she bent down to offer him a hand. Reluctantly, he took it, and she pulled him up to his feet. (Whether or not he remained in that position was entirely up to him, of course.)

"And, um, 86?" she went on, glancing back at 99 once for a little moral support, "I just wanted to apologize about before. All those arguments we've had. I meant no disrespect. You may not be much on your feet, but . . . you're a great agent. I mean it." The girl offered him her hand again, this time hoping he would shake it.

After just a moment of hesitation, Max shook the girl's offered hand vigorously, for some strange reason, glad to have ended their mutual hostility. He didn't like fighting, at least not with females who were only children, and sort of reminded him of his own daughter, and who . . . when he got right down to it, could easily out wit him. "Well kid, you may have a weird hair cut, but you've still got a good head on your shoulders. Let's call it a truce, then. No hard feelings."

99 was thrilled. She threw an arm around each of them and squeezed them tightly. "Oh, I'm so proud of both of you!" she cried.

Max slapped his forehead. "I knew I was forgetting something! 99, are you all right, honey?"

"I'm splendid," she purred contentedly, "But tell me, love, was there something you came here to say?"

"Wha? Oh, yes well, I just came down to tell you two that Thirteen wants to see us all right away, in his office."

"What about?" 99 asked.

"I don't know," he admitted, "He just said it was urgent. Now, are you sure that you're okay, 99?"

99 gave her husband an affectionate kiss on the cheek. "Yes, love, I'm fine."

Miranda eyed the two incredulously. "Wow," she blurted, "It's still just so hard to believe that you guys are . . . married!"

"Why is that?" Max asked defensively.

"I don't know," Miranda shrugged, "It's just that I would never picture someone so tall and gorgeous, with such a little . . . kind of . . . short . . . sort of . . . person."

"Hey!" Max protested, "99 isn't a little, short person!"

"I know," Miranda replied pointedly, "I was talking about you."

"Well. That's better," he said, before realizing that he'd just been slammed. He was about to comment on the situation, when he noticed that both Miranda and 99 were already leaving the lab. He had to hurry to catch up to them. "Hey," he called, "Wait for me!"

XXX

When the three of them arrived, N.C. was sitting at his desk, talking heatedly on the phone to someone. Max and 99 each took place on either side of Miranda, awaiting the Chief's news. From the arguing the Chief was doing on the phone, and from the looks on their faces, Miranda had the assumption that the news couldn't be too good.

Finally, N.C. hung up the phone. "Max, 99, Miranda," he began grimly, "I'm afraid I have some bad news for the three of you. Perhaps you'd better sit down for this."

"But there's only one chair here," Max pointed out, "Well, except for yours, Thirteen."

"I was referring to Miranda," N.C. muttered, his voice getting an edge to it, which it usually did when having to deal with Maxwell Smart for any prolonged amount of time.

"Yes well," Max said in his typical oblivious way, "I think I'll sit down, instead. I'm starting to feel a little woozy. Maybe I'm coming down with-"

"MAX!" N.C. roared, completely losing his patience with his top agent.

"Uh, here, Miri," Max said quickly, "Have a seat!"

"No thanks, 86," Miranda said politely, refusing the chair, "If the Chief has some bad news for me, I prefer to hear it standing." She was a compact pillar of strength. "What's the problem, Chief?"

"We have to take you back," N.C. said softly.

The compact pillar of strength came tumbling down . . . Miranda felt her knees buckle from under her. Both Max and 99 were quick to steady her. "Uh, maybe

I will take that chair, after all, 86," she said weakly. He helped ease her into it.

"Thirteen, did I hear you correctly?" 99 asked, "Did you just say that Miranda has to go back?"

"That's right, 99."

"But back where?" Max asked.

"Back to the orphanage," N.C. explained.

99 clutched protectively at Miranda's shoulders. "But why, Thirteen, why?"

"Well," N.C. began, somewhat sheepishly, "Once the three of you were safely back at Control headquarters, I phoned the president and he directed me to the vice president, and his staff, and they informed me that since the genius in question is a minor, we must have parental consent before she would be permitted to work for Control. And since the genius in question is also an orphan, she must be returned to the orphanage until she is of age."

"Gee, that's too bad, Miranda," Max said sympathetically. He patted her arm.

"Tough break, huh, kid? Oh well, we'll see you again in . . . about three years."

"No Max," N.C. corrected him, "Remember, at Control you must be at least twenty-one years of age before you can officially join up; in case a person has to go undercover at a casino, or a bar while they're out on a case."

"Oh, yes, of course," Max recalled, "I'd forgotten about that."

Miranda said nothing. Just stared blankly at the floor in front of her. She noticed the lovely patterns in the Chief's carpet.

"I don't believe all of this insensitivity I'm seeing and hearing!" 99 cried angrily. "Look at poor Miranda, here. She was promised a chance to use her talents for a worthy cause; a chance at having a steady job; a chance at a new beginning at life! But, yet again, she was rebuffed by the very system that had gotten her into this mess to begin with! And all you two can do is think about how long she'll have to wait before she can come back to Control? Well, if I were her, I wouldn't want to come back- at all!"

"Don't get too upset, yet, 99," the Chief advised gently, "You still haven't heard the worst of it."

Miranda's heart skipped a beat. "Oh Lord! You mean there's more? Jeez, what could possibly be worse than having to go back to the orphanage?"

N.C. seemed reluctant to continue. "Well, you're not going to like this, but . . ."

"Just tell me," the girl commanded, in turmoil.

With a heavy sigh, the Chief just blurted it out. "KAOS has put a price on your head."

Miri slid down into her chair. "I think I'm going to be sick!"

99 held onto the girl even tighter. "Oh, Thirteen! This can't be true!"

"I'm afraid it is, 99."

"But why her, Thirteen?" Max asked in confusion, "I mean, she's just a kid! Why not me, or 99? After all, we're the one's who stole her away from them."

"Because, Max," N.C. stated, "KAOS knows from experience how tough it is to put out a contract on your life. Remember the fall of 1966? KAOS had put a price on your head that ended up to be a million dollars, or more! But somehow- no one really quite knows how- you managed to escape their traps, elude their agents, and defy their ploys. And so, KAOS finds putting a price on your head to be sort of counter productive. A waste of everybody's time and money."

"That's right!" Max bragged shamelessly, "But what about 99?"

"Well, although 99 is most certainly recognized for her cunning know-how in even the most deadliest of situations," N.C. elaborated, "And even though she is one of the brightest of secret agents in the history of espionage- she ranked number two internationally as the most intelligent in intelligence this past year! - it is her beauty, and not her brains that has saved her from becoming a KAOS casualty."

"Wha?" Max asked.

With a weary groan, and shake of his head, N.C. went on. "It isn't a well known fact, but Lord Siegfried has always had a bit of a crush on you, 99. And though he was always prepared to capture you, or torture you, or even kill you, he could never bring himself to put a price on your head."

"Isn't that reassuring?" 99 asked sarcastically.

"Excuse me," a youthful voice piped up, "But what about me? What's going to happen to me?"

"Kids today," Max muttered, giving Miranda a glare, "Always thinking about yourself, aren't you!"

Ignoring the idiotic blunderings of Maxwell Smart, Miri turned to the Chief. "Look, if I don't go back to the orphanage, I'll be in trouble with the president, himself. But if I do go back, then I'll endanger all of the other kids. But no matter how you look at it, I'm dead meat, with KAOS after me! Maybe I should just give myself up to them. Then, at least, nobody else can get hurt."

"And you'll get a lot of money, too!" Max added cheerfully, "KAOS pays well for their contracts."

"No, Miranda!" 99 insisted, "I'll not let anything happen to you! I won't let you out of my sight! I am not taking you back to that orphanage- no matter what the president says!"

Inspired by this sudden turn of events, N.C. definitely got into the spirit of things. "That's right!" he agreed with conviction, "I'll not let anything happen to you, either, Miranda! 86, 99, I have a new assignment for you. Take Miranda into protective custody, immediately. She'll need your protection until this thing with KAOS blows over."

"Blows over?" 99 asked in alarm, "But when- or shall I ask, how- will this thing blow over? This is KAOS we're dealing with here. They don't give up easily."

"We have some of our best available field men working on this case, as we speak," the new chief assured them, "I've got Agents Forty-four, Thirty-eight and Twenty-two on it right now. And Larabee has been manning the phones, non stop, getting leads and information from some of our outside contacts. But the two of you will have the most dangerous job."

"Yeah," Max complained sulkily, "Baby sitting!"

"No," N.C. boomed, "Keeping the girl hidden and safe, and away from the evil clutches of KAOS!"

"Hmph!" Max muttered, "Same thing!"

"Where should we keep her?" 99 asked sensibly, "We have to make it a safe and well concealed place."

"That's right," N.C. agreed, "And we have the perfect place in mind."

"Oh really?" Max asked, "Where's that?"

"Your apartment."

"I'm sorry I asked," Max sighed, "Why does it always have to be our apartment?"

"Because, Max," N.C. explained, "Your apartment is booby trapped. And, it's the most obvious place to hide, therefore, the last place that KAOS would think to even look!"

"But Thirteen!" Max argued, "You always say that. You always have the person in danger come stay at our apartment, and KAOS always finds out where we are! And we always pay an arm and a leg in damage repairs! Isn't that right, 99?"

"Yes, that's true, Max," 99 had to agree, "It's becoming some sort of a tradition with us, Thirteen- eh, Chief."

"And why break with tradition?" N.C. said simply, "Believe me, it's for the best. Besides, you won't be alone on this one. I'm sending Hymie over to assist you on this mission."

"Hymie?" Miri repeated incredulously.

"Yes," N. C. said, "Hymie is Control's very own super human robot. He is the most intelligent and the strongest secret agent at Control."

"Yeah, but Hymie?"

Max folded his arms. "His father's name was Hymie!" he defended.

XXX

Three hours later, the Control agency had everything set up in the Smarts' apartment, which they had moved back into two years ago, after they'd been reactivated. Contraptions were modified, and extra devices added. Guards were placed at various lookout points all over the building, and heavy duty locks were installed on all doors and windows. Max was in and out all day, going over plans with N.C. and the other agents, and trying to dissuade his landlady's suspicious curiosity. 99 kept herself in the apartment, keeping a watchful eye on her young refugee.

All the while, Miranda stood in the background of all the goings on, taking it in, feeling overwhelmed by it and realizing that she was a little out of her league, and extremely frightened.

After all the necessary preparations had been made to the apartment itself, 99 plopped down onto her sofa, completely exhausted. She leaned back, resting her weary body. Only then did she notice Miranda standing in the shadows of the room, eyeing everything with pensive unease. She smiled at the girl, and motioned for her to come and sit next to her. Miranda obeyed silently, and sat at the edge of the couch.

"Hey, kiddo," 99 said gently, "How are you holding up?"

"Okay, I guess. Considering the circumstances."

"I understand, dear."

Grateful for the opportunity to talk to such a sympathetic ear, Miranda babbled on, spouting her feelings freely. "I know this may sound kind of weird, but I'm not as scared as I thought I'd be. I just feel sort of . . . numb about the whole thing. I don't know. I don't really have any experience with death threats, or having a contract out on my life. It's all new to me."

"But you needn't worry, honey," 99 soothed, brushing Miranda's bangs back from her eyes (a gesture she'd repeated a million times before with her own children), "Max will be back soon, and he'll guard you with his life."

"Couldn't you have said something more reassuring?" Miri asked with a sly grin.

99 laughed appreciatively at the girl. She realized the pressure that the child was currently under must have been great. And even though this tough talking teen had survived years in an orphanage, and was half way through the trials of puberty, she doubted that even those hard knocks could have prepared her for the daily pitfalls of espionage. She wrapped her arm around Miranda's shoulder. "Well, if it's any consolation to you, I'll be here, too. And so will Hymie."

Miranda perked up at the mere mention of the cybernot's name. "Hymie? When will he be here?"

"Max went to pick him up a half hour ago. They should be here within the next ten minutes, or so. Are you excited to meet him, dear?"

"Are you kidding?" Miri exclaimed, "I've never met a real live robot before! Does he have that white, milky stuff for blood, like the android in Alien?"

"Well, I don't . . . rightly . . . know . . ." 99 answered, trying to take that disgusting thought out of her mind, "I've never really looked that far inside of him before."

"Is he strong?" Miri asked, moving on.

"Oh yes, very strong."

"Is he . . . protective?" the girl asked, her chest growing tight from worry.

99 saw through this line of questioning. This was little Miranda's way of trying to assure herself, without actually asking to be assured. The woman held the sad eyed waif close to her, in a tight, maternal embrace. "Darling," she whispered into the girl's ear, "Hymie is very protective. And so is Max. And so am I. And none of us will let anything happen to you."

Miranda was touched almost to the point of tears, but she managed to hold them back, just under the surface (a skill most kids sadly had to learn when living in an orphanage), as she looked up at 99, the kindest person she had ever had the good fortune to meet. "You promise?"

"I promise. Cross my heart and hope to die."

The girl looked up at 99. "Yeah, but what about the needle in your eye? Or letting your brains and liver fry, or eating the cow-"

"And all that other stuff, too," 99 promised quickly.

"Really?" Miri asked hopefully.

"Really."

Miranda squeezed 99 as tightly as she could without doing bodily damage. "Thank you, 99. I really appreciate all you've done for me- a lot! And despite the way I've been acting, I do have complete faith in you guys, and Control. Honest."

"I'm so glad, sweetheart," 99 cooed, "But I can see that you're still on edge. And whenever Max or I are feeling uneasy about something, and need to relax, a cup of hot cocoa always helps."

"It does?"

"Of course," 99 answered flippantly, "Most secret agents swear by it. It's listed as a stress remedy in the Control handbook. Come on, I'll go make us some." She stood, and pulled Miri up to her feet as well.

"Sounds good," the girl replied, her mouth watering in anticipation (at the orphanage, hot cocoa was not a part of the daily menu), "But I'm really not stressed out anymore. I know that you guys will protect me, no matter what; and I'm not worried in the slightest." There was a knock at the door. Miranda jumped up into an unsuspecting 99's arms, and cried, "Mommy!"

"99, let me in," Max called from outside the door.

99 lowered Miranda gently to her feet. "Don't worry, honey. It's only Max." She went for the door, but Miri stopped her, urgently clutching at the woman's arm.

"Wait!" the child warned her in a harsh whisper, "It could be a trick, you know. There's probably a hundred KAOS agents that could impersonate his voice."

"But Miranda," 99 reasoned, "That's Max. I can tell my husband's voice from anywhere."

"99, it's Max and Hymie. Let us in!"

"See?" 99 said, "Only the true Max would know that Hymie is supposed to stay with us."

"No," the girl disagreed stubbornly, "KAOS could have found out about that plan. Or maybe they ambushed Max and Hymie when they got here! It's KAOS, I tell ya!"

"Well, all right," 99 sighed, walking over to the door. "Uh, Max, why don't you use your key, darling?"

"I can't, 99. It's in my pants pocket."

"So?"

"So, I'm not wearing those pants."

Miranda looked up at 99 in alarm. "He's not wearing any pants?"

"No, sweetheart," 99 patiently explained, "He is wearing pants. He's just not wearing the pair that has the key in the pocket. That's quite typical for Max. It's him."

"But 99, that's the oldest trick in the book! The old I-left-my-keys-in-the-other-

pants trick! Can't you see it?"

"99, are you all right?" That was Hymie's dull monotone.

"Did you hear that?" 99 asked, "That was Hymie's voice. It has to be them."

"No way!" the girl exclaimed, "They could be impersonating Hymie's voice, too. As a matter of fact, I'll bet there are a hundred, big, hairy, ugly KAOS agents standing just outside of that door, waiting to get in here, and kill me till I'm dead!"

"Nonsense," 99 reasoned, "Your nerves are just shot, that's all. Don't get paranoid. That's my job. It's Max and Hymie outside. I'm sure of it."

"We'll see about that!" Miri announced stubbornly, and she marched over to the door. 99 tried not to reveal her endearment of the girl. She reminded 99 of her own children, as well as Max, so much, it was simply uncanny. But she didn't want to share that fact with Miranda; the girl might not take such information as the compliment it was intended to be. "Okay," Miri shouted through the door, "If you really are Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 of Control, then prove it!"

"Is this Miri?" came the irritated reply, "You're being a real brat, you know that? I demand that you open this door right now!"

"Prove yourself first," the girl repeated simply.

"All right!" Max gave in, "Uh, let's see . . . you're the orphaned child of parents who were victims to KAOS."

"Anyone could have looked that up in my files," she muttered, much to the amusement of 99.

"Uh . . . well, oh, I know! You got most of your invention ideas from spy movies and television shows!"

"That's just plain, common knowledge," Miranda yawned, unimpressed. 99 stifled a giggle.

"All right, young lady!" Max yelled impatiently, "If you don't open this door on the count of . . . one, then I'm going to give you the spanking of your life! And you won't get any supper! And you'll have to take out the trash! And I'll make sure that something really stinky is in that can!"

Miranda exchanged a glance with 99.

"I mean it, Miri!" Max shouted. He must have turned to Hymie at that moment, because his voice lowered, when he muttered, "I tell you, these kids today are nothing but trouble! They wear funny haircuts! Talk back to their elders! And believe me, this kid has a mouth on her- as well as a bad hair cut. It's absolutely-"

The door opened.

Max stood with Hymie outside in the hallway, looking more than a trifle bit angry. "Well," he muttered, "It's about bloody time!"

Miranda ignored Max's words, and stared at the new comer; Hymie the robot, who came with a human like appearance that was . . . pretty easy on the eyes. The girl smiled at him, her feminine instincts taking over. "Hello," she stated, trying to sound grown up, "You must be Hymie." She offered him a hand, hoping that he would kiss it.

Hymie eyed her hand for a moment, before grasping it firmly into his. He did not kiss it. Did not shake it. Merely held onto it, not remembering what came next. "Hello," he replied cordially, "Yes, I am Hymie. You must be Miranda, the orphan and scientist with the horrible hair cut."

"Uh, more or less," Miranda said, giving Max a contemptuous glare, before tugging at the cybernot's hand, and pulling him inside. She smiled at him again. This time, he returned it.

Max squeezed his way in, just before Miranda could slam the door shut in his face, and he gave 99 a kiss. "So, tell me, 99," he asked her, still quite peeved, "What took you two so long to answer the door?"

"Well Max," 99 explained, "Miranda was just so frightened that you might be a KAOS agent trying to impersonate you, that she was reluctant to let you in."

"Likely story," he muttered under his breath, "But 99, you should have known that it was me, right?"

"Of course, love, but Miranda doesn't know you as well as I do."

"Thank God!" he muttered, this time out loud. He averted his gaze, as everyone eyed him disapprovingly. "So, uh," he went on, "When did she realize that it was me?"

"I figured it out when you started ragging about my hair!" Miri hissed at him, folding her arms.

"And, haven't we talked about that, Max?" 99 reminded him.

He shrugged. "Well, I remember you doing a lot of talking. But I didn't seem to get much said!" Now, he, too, was sulky.

"Well, if I recall correctly," 99 scolded him, "You agreed to stop torturing that poor child about her hair- which looks absolutely darling. In fact, I used to wear my hair in a very similar style, Max. You never teased me about mine."

"Yes well," Max told her, pulling her close to him, "That's because I was in love with you. And the hair cut looked better on you, anyway."

"Oh, Max," she sighed, half enchanted, half exasperated, "You're incorrigible!"

"Besides," Max went on, gesturing to the couch, "Miri doesn't look too broken up about it now."

Both agents observed the girl, as she sat next to Hymie on the sofa, staring at him in awe, and listening intently to every word he had to say.

And here is what he said: "So you see, Miranda, I'm not at all like the android from Alien. I don't have any milk for blood, or all of those strangely shaped tubes and wires."

"Do you keep a gun in your leg, like RoboCop?" Miranda asked.

"Certainly not!" Hymie declared, reacting as if he'd been slapped in the face, "I never carry a gun!"

"Okay, okay," Miranda said, taken aback, but trying to make peace, "I didn't mean to upset you any. Just chill, Hymie."

The robot began to shiver.

"Forget it, Hymie," Max called, "She didn't mean it that way."

"You have to be careful of what you say to Hymie, darling," 99 explained, "He takes everything literally."

"And, he hates violence," Max added, "Hymie uses his strength and intelligence for goodness and niceness only. Never for badness or meanness. He hates all that stuff, too."

"Oh," Miranda replied, for a lack of anything better to say. Until she thought of something. "Hey Hymie, can you do any tricks?"

"Honey," 99 chuckled, "He's a robot, not a puppy."

"That's all right, 99," Hymie said jovially, "I would be happy to perform any robotic function for your enjoyment."

"Cool," Miri cried in delight, "What can you do?"

"Ask me a question," he suggested, "I can think of mathematical equations like that."

"Okay . . . uh, what's 42,393 divided by 26,871?"

Max and 99 eyed the girl incredulously.

"It was on a math test last semester," she answered with a shrug.

Hymie's forehead moved back and forth in a rhythmic motion. A moment later, a piece of red ticker tape came out of his mouth. It had a figure on it. He gave it to Miranda. She read it out loud. "1.5776484. Wow, Hymie! That's amazing! I don't know if it's the right answer, but it sure is amazing!"

"Thank you."

"I thought you said you had that answer on a math test last semester," Max challenged her, "Shouldn't you know whether the answer is right, or not?"

"No," she admitted, "I failed that test. I told you, I only got a C in math." She returned her attention to the robot. "What else can you do, Hymie?"

"I am also proficient in the physical strength department," he informed her, "I can lift even the heaviest dead weight with just one hand."

"Really?" the girl exclaimed, "Let's see!"

Hymie nodded and stood up. He walked around the perimeter of the room, and stopped directly in front of the Smarts. Without word or warning, he lifted Max up high into the air, with just one hand, as promised.

"Wow!" Miranda murmured in awe.

"Would you please put me down!" Max snapped impatiently.

Hymie obeyed.

"Couldn't you find something else to use as an example of dead weight?" Max muttered irritably.

"According to my calculations, Max," Hymie said, "You were the best example available in this apartment."

XXX

That evening, Max, Hymie and Miranda were playing the board game Clue in the living room, while 99 was making dinner. After three games of losing to either Hymie (who flawlessly analyzed everything) or to Max (who frankly cheated), Miri gave up and ventured into the kitchen to be with 99. She stood silently in the doorway for a moment, unnoticed, and watched the woman prepare their meal. It had been a long time since she'd seen a woman cooking. Well, a woman who didn't have a hair net, chain smoked, or had a big, hairy mole on her face (like at the orphanage), anyway. 99 had such grace at whatever she did. Whether it was spying or making dinner, she seemed to accomplish any task with ease. Miranda envied 99 for being so graceful and self-assured. But more than that, she envied her children, who she'd raised to adulthood, without skipping out, or dying on them. That was one luxury Miranda would never have. A mom. Or a dad. Or a tight family unit to fall back on in times of need- like breaking up with a boyfriend, or declaring bankruptcy. She sighed wistfully at a long lost dream.

Upon hearing a faint sigh coming from the doorway, 99 looked over to see her charge standing there, her mind drifting, her eyes focused on some memory from the past. She smiled at the girl. "Hello, Miranda."

"Hi, 99," Miri replied, turning away in embarrassment at having been caught spying on a spy, "Whatcha doing?"

"Making dinner. Would you like to help?"

"Not really," the girl blurted, before realizing what she'd said. She wanted to kick herself for that. The reason she'd been so quick to say no, was that she'd had more than her share of kitchen duty at the orphanage (it was one of the worst punishments a kid could receive there), and she was not the best cook in the world. But the idea of helping this kind lady out seemed okay. "I mean, uh, what would you like me to do? I'm not the best cook in the world."

99 laughed. Miranda was just like the twins- and Max- when it came to working in the kitchen. "Well, how about an easy task, then?" she asked hopefully.

"Sure. What is it?"

"Could you check the oven to see if I left my cooking sheet in there? And then, I need some cheese out of the fridge."

Miranda smirked. "Hmm. Well, technically, that's two favors, but I guess I could indulge you."

"Thank you, dear," 99 chuckled good-naturedly.

Miranda opened up the oven. No cooking sheet. Just a KAOS agent crammed inside of it. "Uh, 99?" Miri squeaked in alarm, "Uh, there's no cooking sheet in the oven, but there is-"

"Well, then just get the cheese," 99 instructed her absently. She was at a crucial moment in her quiche, and needed to concentrate solely on that.

"But-"

"Please darling," she scolded, gently, yet firmly, "I've got to pay attention to what I'm doing here. I almost just sprinkled sugar into this, instead of salt. Just get the cheese, please."

"Okay," the girl replied with a shrug, and she shut the oven door, and ventured over to the refrigerator. Then she opened the door. No cheese. No food at all, in fact. Nothing except another KAOS agent. She shut the door. "Um, 99, there's no cheese, either."

"Are you sure?" 99 asked doubtfully, "I could have sworn I bought some yesterday."

"As a matter of fact," Miri went on casually, "There's nothing in the fridge."

"Nothing?" 99 repeated in disbelief.

"Well, nothing except for the KAOS agent, of course."

"What?!" 99 exclaimed.

"I mean, I think he's a KAOS agent, anyway," the girl said, "He doesn't look like one of us. And he's wearing a patch on his jacket that says KAOS, so, I'm just taking a guess here."

The refrigerator door swung open and the KAOS agent popped out, waving his gun around, and shivering slightly.

"Max!" 99 screamed.

"Get back against the wall!" the man hissed venomously. 99 stood protectively in front of Miranda, who clutched fearfully at her waist, and they backed up together to the far wall. "Now," the agent went on, keeping his gun trained on them, "I'm going to kill that bumbling idiot in there, unplug that robot's thinking mechanism, and then murder the two of you! What do you think of that, ladies?"

"I'm not real crazy about that plan," Miri had to admit.

"I've heard better, myself," 99 concurred.

"Shut up!" the enemy agent commanded, "I really don't care whether you like it, or not. The point is, I am going to kill-"

At that very moment, the kitchen door swung open, and hit the KAOS agent in the face, and he was knocked instantly unconscious. Max stood in the doorway, oblivious to the goings on. "Did you call me, 99?" he asked innocently.

99 ran to his side. "Oh, Max!" she cried, wrapping her arms around him, "Look what you've done, love! You knocked out a KAOS agent, who'd been hiding in our refrigerator! You saved us!" She kissed his cheek.

Deep in thought, Max still returned the kiss, while stroking his chin. "Hmm . . . I wonder how he got passed all of those guards we have stationed all over the apartment complex."

"He probably snuck in when everybody was going in and out, through out the day, Max," 99 surmised.

"Well," Max suggested, "I suppose we better get him into custody of the torture squad, right away."

"Good thinking, Max."

They reached for the unconscious KAOS agent on the floor.

"Wait," Miri instructed, "Before you take him away, there's just one, little thing more . . ."

Max paused, and looked over at her impatiently. "What is it?"

Before she got a chance to say anything, the oven door opened (from the inside!) and a hand appeared out of it, holding a gun. "The other KAOS agent, hiding in the oven," she responded redundantly.

"Oh, that what," Max commented.

The enemy agent crawled painfully out of the oven- getting stuck only once, and for a second- and he stood up and motioned them through the door.

Hymie stood up from the game table, and watched the proceedings with suspicion. "Max, 99, Miranda, are you all right? What is going on here?"

The KAOS agent grabbed a hold of Miranda around the neck, and held his gun to her temple. "One false move, bullet brains, and the kid here gets it!"

"Oh, poor Miranda," 99 sobbed.

"You got that right," Max agreed, "Poor Miranda."

Miri was less than impressed. "That's it? Poor Miranda? Come on guys, you can do better than that, I hope!"

"Please," Hymie instructed the man in his dull monotone, "Do not harm the child. There is no need for physical violence. Put down your weapon. Whatever problem you may have cannot be solved with firearms. Let us discuss your problems, and we can come to a mutual, rational decision that does not involve bloodshed."

"Thanks a lot, Hymie," Miranda muttered sarcastically, "But somehow, I think I'm going to need more help than that!"

"What's there to discuss?" the enemy agent asked, "I want the girl . . . dead!"

Miranda gulped. "99," she pleaded, "Please, do something! My life just flashed before my eyes!"

"It probably didn't take too long," Max observed keenly.

"You're telling me!" the girl retorted.

Hymie stared impassively at the KAOS agent. "You're a very bad man, sir."

"That's right, Hymie!" Miri encouraged him. "He's absolutely rotten!"

"Shut up, kid," the KAOS man warned her. She shut up. "Now," he continued, backing up towards the front door, and dragging Miranda along with him, "I'm going to walk out of here, and you're not going to follow me, or I'll kill the kid right in front of you! But if you cooperate, then the rest of you will escape with your lives." He headed for the door, with Miranda struggling all the way.

99 quickly pushed a small button located on the coffee table next to the couch. Her quick action caused no notice, but the strange sound it emitted certainly did.

"What was that?" the enemy agent asked in alarm, his eyes darting back and forth.

"Yeah, what was that?" Miri repeated.

"What noise?" 99 asked innocently.

"Oh, I know what it was!" Max exclaimed in comprehension, "That's the noise that happens when you-" 99 elbowed him in the ribs. "Ow! 99," he groaned, "That wasn't very nice! How could you hurt me like that? I thought you loved me. And you're not supposed to hurt the one's you love." He paused. That didn't sound right to him . . .

"No, Max," Hymie explained, "The saying goes that you always hurt the one's you love."

"Oh, really?" Max asked. "Hmm. Well, I still think that was a mean thing to do, 99. Whether you love me or not!"

"Would you please shut up?!" the KAOS agent screamed, "This is ridiculous! You're giving me a headache! I seriously think you people are crazy!"

"I agree," Miri added.

"All right, kid," the enemy agent muttered, "Let's get out of here!"

He turned to go, but stopped short, letting go of Miranda, and falling to the floor, as if some invisible force held him back and knocked him over. "Agh! I think I broke my nose!" he screamed, clutching at it, as he tumbled backwards.

Hymie caught his gun, and Max gave the man a karate chop to the neck. The enemy agent went down instantly.

99 held Miranda close, wiping futilely at her own tears. "Oh, darling, are you all right?"

"I'm okay, 99," Max said, rubbing his hand, "It's just a little sore."

"No Max," she sighed, "I was talking to MIranda."

"I'm all right, 99," Miranda said gratefully, clinging tightly to the tall, maternal woman, "Thanks to you. What happened to that guy, anyway?"

"That's our invisible wall," Max informed her, "I had it installed years ago. Way before 99 and I were even married."

"And it still works?" Miri asked incredulously.

Hymie gave the unconscious agent's gun to Max. "Here Max," he said, "I do not want to touch this minion of death any longer. I cannot believe how evil KAOS is. They are very mean. And not at all neat. Look at the blood coming from his nose, and the way it soaks into your carpet. Shameful!"

"Totally," Miranda agreed, shaking her head at the man.

"If only he'd used his blood for niceness, instead of evil," Max recited poetically. He liked the idea that other people thought of him as deep.

"Let's get the two KAOS agents out to the torture squad now," 99 suggested, anxious to get the hideous creatures out of her house.

"Good idea," Max complimented, "I'll go get the one in the kitchen." He ran into the invisible wall. "Uh, 99?" he asked, rubbing his nose, "Would you mind raising the invisible shield, please?"

"Yes, Max," she said gently.

"Come on, Hymie," he called, "Give me a hand with these KAOS slime." Hymie took his hand off and handed it to Max. Max handed it right back. "That's not the kind of hand I wanted, Hymie," he snapped.

Hymie put his hand back on, and with a shrug, began applauding into the secret agent's face. "Is this what you meant, Max?" he asked earnestly.

Max sighed, and pushed Hymie's hands out of his face. "No! That's not the right kind, either. I just want you to help me carry the KAOS agents out of the apartment!"

"Certainly Max," the cybernot told him graciously, "Why didn't you just say so in the first place?"

Grumbling, Max and Hymie retrieved the KAOS agent from the kitchen into the living room, and laid him beside his comrade. Then Max opened up the front door, only to shut it again, quickly.

"Max, why did you do that?" 99 asked in confusion.

"Well, I'll tell you, 99," Max elaborated, "The Control guards aren't out there."

"They're not?" 99 wondered aloud, "But then . . . where are they?"

"I don't know, 99," Max admitted, "But I have a feeling that the two hundred, or so, KAOS agents out there might have a pretty good idea."

99 looked horrified. "Don't tell me KAOS has taken over the building!"

Max nodded. "They've taken over the building, 99."

She sighed wearily. "I asked you not to tell me that!"

While Max eyed 99 suspiciously, for using one of his best lines, Miranda clutched at the woman's hand, nearly hysterical. "What will we do now?" she shrieked.

"Max," Hymie put in logically, "We've got to get Miranda back to Control headquarters. The safest way to leave the building will be the window."

"The window?" Miri asked fearfully.

"Yes. Out on the fire escape. We can go down the fire escape, to the car, and to safety. But someone will have to stay behind at the apartment to hold off the KAOS fiends."

Max looked from Hymie, to their young charge, to his beautiful, but distressed wife, 99. He quickly made a decision. "I'll stay," he volunteered.

"Wow," Miranda murmured, staring up at the man in awe, "You're either the bravest man in the world . . . or the stupidest."

"Hmm," Max said thoughtfully, "I'd say it was a little from column A and a little from column B."

"Oh, Max," 99 disagreed, "I don't think that's such a good idea, love."

Shots could be heard from outside the door. They made sinister pinging sounds against the wood.

"They're trying to get in!" Miranda wailed, squeezing 99's hand so tight that it hurt.

"I will lead you both to safety, and protect you along the way," Hymie vowed, and he scooped the frightened youngster up into his strong, capable arms. He rushed over to the window, then stepped out onto the fire escape. He looked back at a very hesitant Agent 99. "99, are you coming with us?" he asked.

99 looked over at Max. Her partner. Her husband. "Oh Max," she whimpered, "I can't just leave you here alone!"

"You're going to have to, 99," he told her, "It can't be helped. Miranda needs you."

"But Max," she pleaded, "This is a suicide mission! Just you against two hundred vicious, ruthless KAOS agents! You'll be over taken. Beaten down! You-

You'll be playing against death!"

"And loving it!" he declared with flare.

99's worried expression melted into one of true love and affection. She realized that whenever he claimed to be loving it, he was bound and determined to go the distance. There was no stopping him now.

"Come on, 99," Miri called from the window.

99 looked at her husband again. "Please be careful, Max."

"Right, 99."

The front door began to rattle, as if being kicked in.

"I love you, Max," 99 cried, throwing her arms around him. They took the time to indulge in a long, passionate kiss, that left them longing for more, and left their audience touched to tears.

"Isn't that beautiful?" Hymie said, starting to tear up.

"Yeah," Miri sighed dreamily, "What a bunch of saps!"

"I love you, too, 99," Max said softly, after their kiss had ended, "You'd better get going now."

Wiping away her tears, 99 nodded. "Right, Max." She hurried over to the window, and climbed out onto the fire escape.

"Hey Hymie!" Max called after them, "Take care of my girls; both of them."

"Yes, Max."

"You're all right, 86," Miranda had to admit, "And don't worry. I'll look after 99, too, like she was my own . . . uh, spy."

"Thanks, kid," Max said, leaning all of his weight against the front door, "And while you're at it, could you clean out my locker at work?"

"Sure."

"And water the plants in the apartment. 99's never had a green thumb."

99 sighed, and blew Max a kiss, as she scurried down the fire escape with her companions.

Max looked after them with affection . . . and a fair amount of regret. He sure did love them. He sure would miss them. He sure wished he was going with them . . .

XXX

99, Hymie and Miranda were halfway down the fire escape when they discovered a dozen KAOS agents coming halfway up! "Quick!" Hymie commanded, "99, take Miranda to the roof, then go down the other side of the building. I'll detain these evil slimeballs and try to catch up to you."

"Give 'em hell, Hymie!" Miranda yelled back at him, as she and 99 climbed back up to the roof.

"Watch your language, young lady!" Hymie called back.

"Jeez, everybody's a critic," she muttered, as she followed 99 up the stairs.

99 pulled the girl over the edge of the roof, and together they ran across it, to the other side of the building, just as Hymie had instructed. Even more KAOS agents were waiting for them there, rapidly advancing to the two escapees.

"Man," Miri complained, "How many of these guys are there?"

"Too many!" 99 muttered in exasperation.

A KAOS agent crawled over the edge of the roof, and ran after them.

"99! We've got to run! Like now! Come on!"

They joined hands and ran to the edge of the side of the building. 99 just kept on running, and she leaped to the building next to it, with no problem. It was about five feet away. Miranda, however, stopped short, gasping for breath, and staring down at the chasm below.

"Miranda!" 99 yelled across to her, "Honey, you've got to jump across! It's the only way!"

"No way, man!" the girl yelled back, "That chasm is as long as I am!"

"But Miranda, I made the jump, and so can you!"

"Forget it!" Miri informed her, "Sure, you can make the jump- you've got legs a mile long! But I don't!"

A KAOS agent had been sneaking up on them while they had been preoccupied with other things, and was slowly advancing. He was almost upon the small girl now, so he pounced, lunging at her with great force. Miranda could sense the agent behind her, and at the last possible second, she leapt out of the way. As he fell forward, the agent grasped at anything he could get a hold of, and he managed to snag the ends of the buildings with his fingers and the toes of his boots. Miranda took one look at him and knew exactly what she had to do. She began walking across him like a bridge.

"Good girl!" 99 coached her, "Come on, Miranda, nice and easy!"

The KAOS agent tried to shake her off of him, by swaying back and forth, but by that time, Miri was already halfway across the chasm, and she took a flying leap into 99's arms. Together, they kicked at the agent's hands, until he was left dangling across from them, hanging on only by his toes.

99 hugged Miranda fiercely. "Oh Miranda, that was so ingenious! So courageous! You're a brave, brave girl!"

"Yes," Miri agreed, catching her breath, and secretly relishing all of the motherly attention 99 was giving her. It sure beat the severe looking orphanage mistress, with the tight bun in her hair, who barely even indulged them with a pat on the head!

"Come on, honey," 99 urged, grabbing her by the arm, "We've got to get out of here fast!"

As they turned around, they realized that they wouldn't be going to Control headquarters any time soon.

"Hello, cookie!" Siegfried crooned, bowing graciously at 99, while dozens of his henchmen surrounded the woman and her charge, equipped with machine guns.

"Now, I know I'm going to be sick!" Miranda choked.

"No!" Siegfried commanded, "There is no time for that. And that is because you are both coming with me!"

"That's what you think!" 99 challenged him, "Max and the super robot Hymie are both in the vicinity, and they will stop you before you can take us away!"

"They're in the vicinity, all right!" Siegfried cackled, "But I doubt that either one of them are in a position to stop us! Starker!"

Starker came into view, escorting a very exhausted looking Maxwell Smart, at gun point. He was shoved in between his wife, who kissed him tenderly, and Miranda, who squeezed his hand.

"Well, at least we still have Hymie," Miri whispered.

"Think again, my little kumquat!" Siegfried retorted smugly. He motioned a nearby agent over, who was holding a large cardboard box in his arms.

"What's that?" 99 asked.

"That's Hymie," Siegfried crowed triumphantly.

"You turned Hymie into a box?" Max asked in disbelief.

99 turned her head away. "Oh! How awful!"

"But how could this have happened?" Miranda demanded to know, barely holding in her tears. She'd really taken a liking to the cybernot.

"Simple," Siegfried was happy to explain, "We just lured him down to the street, where three hundred agents surrounded him, and, at close range, aimed our most sophisticated and powerful magnets at him, until he was yanked apart by the sheer force of nature!"

"And that turned Hymie into a box?" Max asked in shock.

"No! You stupid, Smart!" Siegfried hissed, "I have his parts in this box! That is all!"

"What a slimy, rotten trick!" Miri announced, narrowing her eyes at him.

"Thank you, my dear," Siegfried replied, bowing graciously.

"Of course!" Max exclaimed, "It's the old pull-the-robot-apart-with-the-magnets trick! Jeez, that's the second time this month that Hymie's fallen for it!"

"What are you going to do to us, Siegfried?" 99 asked sensibly.

"I'll tell you, my lovely," Siegfried began cordially, "I'm going to get a ransom on all of you, and after the government pays heavily for your safe return, we're going to send you back to Control headquarters . . ." Max, 99 and Miranda all heaved a collective sigh of relief. " . . . in a box!" he finished, cackling shamelessly.

"A big box?" Max asked hopefully.

"Bigger than Hymie's," Siegfried told him, "But all three of you will be able to fit inside of it."

"Well, isn't that cozy?" 99 muttered in disgust.

"Well 99," Max reasoned, "At least we'll all be together."

"Yeah," Miranda sighed, "But we'll all be too dead to notice."

"You do have a good point there," Max had to agree.

"Enough of this nonsense!" Siegfried roared, "We are taking you to our new headquarters. Let's go! Now!"

Several armed guards grabbed a hold of the three prisoners, roughly escorting them down the fire escape.

"Poor Hymie," 99 murmured sadly, glancing over at the cardboard box that Starker carried.

"Poor Hymie?" Miri repeated in disbelief, "Don't you mean, poor us? At least Hymie went painlessly. I doubt Siegfried will try pulling us apart with magnets!"

"Yeah," Max surmised, "He'll probably use pliers, or something."

"Max!" 99 whispered frantically, "Keep your voice down! I wouldn't want you giving him any good ideas!"

"Oh yeah; right, 99!"

Once they were away from the buildings, and on solid ground, they were blindfolded and put into the back of a van. The ride to wherever they were going was long and bumpy. Max sat in between 99 and Miranda, and they each laid their head against his shoulders.

"Don't worry, girls," he assured them in the darkness, "We're going to be all right! I have complete faith in our ability to pool our resources in a crisis situation, such as this. And plus, there's the fact that all KAOS agents aren't very bright. I'm sure that we will escape safely. You'll have nothing to worry about. After all, you're with me. And you know that I'll protect you! So, what do you think of that?"

Somebody started to snore.

"Would you listen to that?" Max chuckled, "99, Miri is snoring!"

"Think again, 86," Miranda called out in the darkness, "It sure isn't me!"

"Well, it isn't me, either!" he snapped, then paused. "Hmm, I wonder who it is?"

With a weary sigh, Miranda told him, "Duh, Max! It's 99! Who else would it be?"

"Hey! You're right! It is 99! And she's snoring."

Miri shrugged, despite the fact that no one could see her do it. "Well," she reasoned, "There are worse habits a person can pick up in their sleep."

"I wonder when she started," he murmured, "I've never heard her snore in my whole life!"

Ten minutes later, he, too, fell asleep, snoring loudly; as did Miranda, who didn't snore at all. Thirty minutes later, the van stopped suddenly, jarring everybody, and waking 99. "Miranda?" 99 called out in concern.

"I'm here, 99," the girl replied, "Max?"

"I'm here, Miri. 99?"

Miranda sighed. "Well, of course she's here, Max. She's the one who started this whole thing."

"I know that! I just didn't want her to feel left out!" Max snapped.

The back doors to the van opened, and its three occupants were hastily pulled from the van. "Get them inside!" they heard Siegfried order his men. Unseen hands grabbed the prisoners, and yanked them out of the vehicle. They were then taken into a cold building, and shoved into a room, being pushed to the cold, hard, concrete floor.

"Tie them up!" Siegfried commanded, "And this time, use the triple whammy KAOS knots!"

"You know, that's just like KAOS to pull something like that," Max huffed and puffed, "You make it harder and harder each time to escape from you!"

"That is the idea," Siegfried sighed, "Boy Smart, is it you old age taking it's toll, or were you always this stupid?"

"Who are you calling old?" Max asked, insulted.

Siegfried shook his head. "Well, that answers my question. But don't worry, Smart, you won't be getting any older from now on."

"Oh really?" Max asked curiously, "Have you discovered the secret to eternal youth?"

"No, I've discovered the secret to eternal death!"

"Hmm," Max mulled it over, "Well, I suppose that would work just as well."

Siegfried nodded to one of his cronies, unseen by his blind folded prisoners, and the KAOS agent raised his gun over Maxwell Smart's head. Just as Siegfried fired off a shot from his own gun into the air, the other KAOS man hit Max over the head with the butt of his gun. The bullet careened harmlessly off the far wall, just as Max fell harmlessly to the floor with a deafening thud. Fearing the worst, 99 and Miranda freaked out and began to cry.

"Oh no!" 99 screamed hysterically, "Max!"

"You shot him!" Miranda shouted accusingly at Siegfried, equally outraged, "You killed him in cold blood! You filthy, stinking KAOS scum!"

"Charming, gentlemen," Siegfried said with a smile, "Is she not?"

99 could take no more. As she sobbed her guts out, she could feel her strength being drained from her body. She felt faint. Her body sagged, and finally collapsed to the floor, not far from where her husband lay.

Miranda heard her fall, and blindly felt along the surrounding floor, searching for her, in vain. "99! Siegfried! Don't tell me you killed her, too!"

"Relax, lepshun," he assured the girl, "You're friend has merely fainted."

"Siegfried! You're a real jerk!"

Ignoring her insults, Siegfried turned to his men. "All right, take the two ladies to our presidential cell. Nothing but the best for these charming guests. Then, go and bury Mr. Smart in the back yard, next to our dearly departed parakeet, Mr. Winkle." He noticed that Miranda had begun to cry. "Oh, there now, little lady," he soothed evilly, patting her shoulder, "Things could have been much worse, you know. At least we're not giving him a burial at sea."

"That's only because he's too big to flush!" Miri screamed in a rage, and she lunged blindly for Siegfried. Unfortunately, she missed him by inches, instead running into the far wall, head first. "Oh, man," she sighed, before passing out.

"Now, that's what I call knocking yourself out," Starker observed.

"Imagine," Siegfried cried delightedly, "Three unconscious prisoners for the price of one! That will definitely go down in the KAOS book of world records!"

One KAOS agent approached cautiously, not wanting to interrupt his master when he was in such a good mood. (It so rarely happened these days.) "Shall I take them to their cells, now, Lord Siegfried?"

"Of course, you idiot!" Siegfried yelled at him, "And be sure to put Smart in our low class, cheapy cell. Nothing but the worst for him! Now, hurry and take them away before they all wake up and discover that he's not really dead! Go, you stupid!"

All the KAOS agents in the room started bustling with activity.

Siegfried sidled up to Starker. "You see, Starker," he observed, "All they need is a little friendly encouragement, and they do the job right!"

XXX

An hour later, Mrianda awoke with a start. She was no longer blind folded, but she was strapped up tightly to a chair. Next to her, 99 was tied to an identical chair, with identical knots. (KAOS triple whammy knots, no doubt!) She sat, slumped over, and also had her blind fold removed, which made it easy for the blurry-eyed girl to see that her friend was still unconscious. Miranda struggled with all her might, against the ropes, for a moment, until she lost what was left of her strength. All the commotion caused 99 to stir.

She moaned incoherently, until she regained her senses. "Who's here?" she called out groggily.

"It's okay, 99. It's just me, Miranda."

"Oh," 99 forced herself to sit up straight, and focus on the little orphan. She noticed a big welt on the girl's forehead. "Oh, darling, are you okay?"

"Yeah," Miri sighed, "Just a bump on the head I got when I made contact with a brick wall. What about you? Are you all right?"

"I'll live," she mumbled, "I just wish I could say the same for my poor Max!" And she began to cry again.

"Oh, 99," Miranda whispered soothingly, "I'm so sorry. I know that you're devastated right now. I am, too. Max was a . . . good agent. And a nice guy. I'll admit that he had a boring hair cut, but then again, nobody's perfect. But, while I realize that you want to grieve for him, we still need to figure out a way to get out of here. If only to avenge Smart's good name! We must not stand for this outrage! This . . . violation of humanity! KAOS must be punished! We must fight back!"

"I know you must be right," 99 sobbed, sounding defeated, "We've got to get out of this rat trap, if only to put that good for nothing Siegfried away forever! Max's murder must not be left unpunished!"

"That's right, 99!" Miri said encouragingly, "So, what's your plan?"

"What do you mean, what's my plan?" 99 asked in confusion and turmoil, "I thought that you had one."

"Me?" Miri asked, "Why would I have a plan? I'm just a kid. All this spy stuff is new to me. So why does everybody always expect me to come up with the ideas?"

99 was tired and bone weary and extremely upset right now. Having this child (no matter how precious 99 found her to be) hound her for an idea to escape just didn't sit too well with her right now. "Because," she muttered drily, "You're the one who always comes up with those darn inspirational speeches that gets everyone all riled up."

"Well," Miranda said defensively, "I'm just good at inspiring people. I mean, somebody's got to do it, obviously, since, otherwise, all you secret agents ever do is give up and say, well, I guess this is it! We're doomed for sure! So, that's why I try to be so inspirational. So, don't get mad at me, 99, if I don't have a plan to get out of here. After all, you're the one with all the espionage experience here, not me!" After her angry outburst had subsided, Miranda sighed and began to cry. "Oh, 99, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you, or say wicked things. It's just that. . . well, I'm so scared, and I don't know what to do!"

Her own tears renewed, 99 eyed the girl with regret. "I know, darling, and I'm just sorry that I was so cross with you. I didn't mean to be, either. And what you said was true, as much as I hate to admit it. I guess Max and I have been putting some pressure on you to help us out on things that we should have been able to handle on our own. Maybe, it's because, after doing this kind of thing for years, and then stopping and starting up again so suddenly has taken it's toll. Maybe we're just too old or too tired for this sort of life anymore. I don't know. But whatever it is, I have to be honest and tell you that I'm just as frightened and uncertain as you are right now. See, I've never been without . . . him. And now, I'm all alone, and I just don't know what to do . . ."

"99," Miranda mumbled, "Please don't cry. I didn't mean to upset you further. You're the last person in the world I ever meant to hurt. You've been the kindest and the dearest and I love . . . well, don't worry. The two of us can figure a way out of here. I mean, no offense, 99, but it was you that seemed to be the, uh, brains of the operation."

"That's true," 99 admitted through her tears, "But Max always gave me a lot of moral support."

"I understand," Miranda said respectfully, "I know what it's like to . . . to lose your . . . whole life in just one second."

99 stared over at the girl with red rimmed eyes. Of course, if anyone could understand what she was going through right now, it could only be Miranda. The poor child was an orphan, for crying out loud, having spent the past four years in a cold and lonely orphanage, with no one to hold her, or soothe her. At least 99 did have that much in the form of the little wunderkind herself. "Yes," she whispered thoughtfully, "I suppose you would know."

"Yeah," Miri went on, averting her eyes, "But you have one advantage that I never had, 99. You have the chance to avenge your family! And you've got the means and the know-how to do it. Plus, you have me to help you. And I will. I loved him, too. But we have to act fast, if we don't want to waste that chance.

It's all we can do now, for . . . Max."

"You really are good at the inspirational stuff," 99 commented, smiling lovingly at her young charge, "And I do have a plan to get out of here. Now, if I can just get into my right hand, sweater pocket, I have a penknife in there, and we'll cut our way out of these ropes!"

"Good thinking, 99!" Miranda chirped cheerfully.

"Yes, it is a good plan," came a voice from the doorway, "Too bad it will never work!"

"Siegfried!" Miranda exclaimed, her trembling voice filled with rage and hate, "You murderous scum!"

He waved off her insult with a flick of his wrist. "Flattery will get you nowhere, my dear," he said with a smile. "And I have come to inform you that we must kill you now."

"No!" 99 cried fiercely, "Siegfried, I cannot- I will not- allow you to harm this child!"

"Ah, Miss 99," Siegfried murmured dreamily, "You're even beautiful when you're angry. But alas, there is really nothing you can do to stop me."

Forcing her rage back, 99 realized that it was time to think rationally, and behave sensibly. "No," she admitted, much to the surprise of everyone in the room, "I can't stop you. But I can . . . bargain with you."

Siegfried arched his eyebrow. He was clearly interested. "I'm listening."

"I'll make you a deal," she went on, "I'll . . . give myself up to you. Then you can torture me, interrogate me, turn me into a slave, or even kill me if you want to, and I won't fight you. But you must let Miranda go free."

Miranda looked heartbroken as she stared at her heroic savior. "Oh, 99," she cried, "I- I can't let you do that!"

"Sure you can," Siegfried hissed at the girl, "Now pipe down, munchkin. This is between Miss 99 and myself." He turned back to the beautiful spy, who stared expectantly at him. "Hmm, that's a good deal, 99. A very good deal! But, answer me honestly. Why should I take it, when I can have all of that anyway, and still keep the kid in my custody?"

"He does have a good point there," Miranda had to admit, echoing the words of 99's beloved Max.

"No, he doesn't," 99 disagreed, "Because he knows that I'll never talk to him, or cooperate with him in any way, unless he agrees to my wishes."

"Oh, we're not worried about that, 99," Starker said, after appearing in the doorway, "So why should you?"

"That's right!" Siegfried added, "We have ways of making you talk. Bring him in!"

Starker nodded, and rushed outside, before returning, almost instantly, being followed in by a man wearing a trench coat, dark glasses and a fedora. Even under all of his clothing, it was obvious that he was as big as Arnold Schwartzenegger, and twice as mean! 99 and Miranda gaped at the man, with unabashed fear. There was no way they could survive the wrath of this guy. Absolutely no way!

"It was nice knowing you, 99," Miranda gulped, "I guess this is it, huh?"

"Wendenberg," Siegfried commanded, "Do your stuff!"

99 closed her eyes tightly against the horrendous fate that would surely be fall her and Miranda. For a moment, she actually envied her dearly departed Max. At least he had gone quickly, with one well-placed bullet. She had the horrible feeling that she and Miranda would not get off so easily. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, 99 opened her eyes, to see what the large, frightening creature might be preparing to do. But instead of pulling some sort of weapon or torture device from his pocket, Wendenberg took off his hat, and glasses, then removed his coat. 99 gasped when she saw that he was scantily clad in bikini underwear.

"What the . . .?" Miri gasped, "Holy stud muffin!"

"Siegfried!" 99 demanded to know, shocked and appalled, "What is going on here?"

Wendenberg- or, as Miranda had so aptly labeled him, the stud muffin- walked seductively over in front of 99. Starker produced a ghetto blaster and turned on some music, that Wendenberg began to dance to.

"As I said before, 99," Siegfried purred, with a mischievous grin, "We have ways of making you talk!"

"Whoa," 99 heard Miranda whisper, having never seen a man dressed quite this way before.

"Siegfried!" 99 hissed, wanting to get hold of the man, and strangle him with her bare hands, "This is absolutely ridiculous! Not to mention, completely disgusting! How could you expose this child here to such things?!"

"Don't worry about it," Miri told her absently, her large brown eyes growing wider.

"Hey," Siegfried reminded her, "We're KAOS! What'd you expect, cookie?"

99 sighed angrily, as she began to struggle against her bounds. "Really, Siegfried! Have you not the slightest moniker of decency!?"

"No," Siegfried smirked, "We don't. So please, sit back and . . . relax!"

XXX

At the exact moment that 99 and Miranda were being tortured by the stud muffin, Maxwell Smart woke up and found himself in a small cell, without any windows, and without his shoes. "Drat!" he complained, "They stole my shoe phone . . . but did they have to take my other shoe?"

He stood up wearily, and steadied himself against the wall. He had the most terrible headache. Looking around the room once again, he noticed that there was no visible door. So, that was hidden, too! he thought sulkily. But on the wall, was a vent, and it didn't take too long for Max's clever mind to come up with an excellent plan. After a quick glance around, searching for hiding KAOS agents, or hidden security cameras (he saw none), Max took off his right cuff link and squeezed it hard. A screwdriver shot out of it. Max then proceeded to unscrew the bolts holding the vent in place. After a few minutes, the panel came off, and Max crawled in through the vent shaft. Then, using his left cuff link, which was a powerful magnet, he managed to replace the bolts into their proper holes. He looked out through the vent for just a second, before squirming to turn around; then he was on his way.

To where, though? He had no idea as to where he should be going. Or where he was exactly, for that matter. All he did know was that he had to find 99 and Miranda right away. They were his top priority. Max wandered through the darkened crawl space, his squinty eyes straining to see two feet ahead of him. Every time he passed by another vent, he would pause long enough to look through it, desperately searching for his beloved 99, and that cute, little brat he'd already grown to love. Well, maybe love was too strong a word, he reasoned. Nah, it was okay.

If he was lucky, he might be able to find where they had stashed Hymie or at least his parts, anyway. And luck was with him that evening, for in the next room he had peeked into, he spotted Hymie's metallic remains lying on a table in a deserted laboratory. "Good," Max whispered to himself, then he made a mark on the vent with a pen he always kept in his pocket (an astronaut's pen; guaranteed to write on anything; upside down or under water!) Then he moved on, continuing his search for his lovely wife and the precocious orphan.

As he continued crawling through the shaft (secretly feeling like Sigourney Weaver from that scary Aliens movie 99 had made him watch with her), Max could hear the distinct sounds of music. Exotic music. He followed with his ears, until the sound became louder and closer. It led him to one particular vent.

Peering through the slits in the vent, Max had to blink several times, to make sure his eyes were seeing correctly. Because what he was witnessing . . . But that couldn't be true? Could it? Was it possible that Siegfried had done more damage with that bump on the head than he'd originally realized? Could it have turned his brains to mush? Because what he was witnessing, was not to be believed! He saw 99 (his 99!) kissing another man! And not just any man, but a bona fide stud muffin! It made Max sick! Sick with rage. Sick with jealousy. But mostly, it hurt him in the place that it hurts a person the most. The heart. 99 was his wife, his mate for all eternity. But what in the name of Guns N Roses was she doing kissing some beef cake that she didn't even know? Max narrowed his beady eyes to the point where he almost couldn't see, as his mind set about thinking of a plan to get 99, Miri and Hymie out of this God forsaken place! Then, if she wanted to, 99 could leave him for the big dope once and for all! It was no skin off of his nose! If she wanted to throw away twenty-three years of wonderful, blissful marriage, then let her go ahead! He didn't care! He had his pride! At least, that's what he kept telling himself. But knowing that such talk was just that- talk- Max was determined to save her, nonetheless, to prove that he truly was a forgiving man.

He turned around and headed back for the laboratory. Had he kept looking for just a second longer, he would have seen 99 struggling to get away from her muscular captor, by stomping on his foot, causing him to scream, and run off into a corner. But Max didn't see it.

"Hey, Wendenberg!" Siegfried shouted, "Get back to work! We're not paying you by the hour, you know!"

"But Lord Siegfried," Wendenberg sobbed, "That lady is a tiger! A real mean tiger! She stomped on my foot! And it hurts!"

"Oh, shut up!" Siegfried roared in disgust over this latest generation of KAOS agents. "No more crying! You ding-a-ling! You stupid, stupid . . . "

"Sissy?" Starker offered.

"Sissy!" Siegfried agreed. He turned to face his right hand man. "Starker, get him out of here!"

"Yes, my lord," Starker said, and he escorted Wendenberg (who hopped painfully on one foot) out of the cell.

"Really, Siegfried," 99 sighed, in anger and exasperation, "That was the most pathetic attempt to extract information I have ever had the misfortune to witness."

"Yeah," Miranda added, with a nod.

99 continued. "I mean, did you actually believe that by flaunting that, uh . . ."

"Stud muffin?" Miri offered.

"Stud muffin," 99 went on, "Into our faces would make us talk? It has to be the most absurd and ridiculous idea you've ever come up with!"

Siegfried shrugged nonchalantly. "It was worth a try. See, it always works with the opposite sex so easily, that we thought we'd try it on you ladies, too."

"Well, it was a futile attempt!" 99 pointed out defiantly, "Don't you know that a woman's mind does not function in the same way that a man's does?"

"Thank God," Miranda sighed, "We're not total perverts!"

"So, I've noticed," Siegfried muttered with a disappointed frown. "And what a pity, too, since now we have no choice but to use more . . . drastic measures!"

"Not so fast, Siegfried!"

"Max!" 99 yelled in surprise and elation, as she looked up to see her dear- and very alive- husband standing in the doorway.

"Max?" Miranda repeated in confusion. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Was it possible that the spunky, little guy had come back from the dead to rescue them? She hoped not. Ghosts gave her the creeps (as did gollywoggles). But maybe, he wasn't a ghost, after all.

"Max!" Siegfried sighed in disgust. "Oh, how I hate that name! How did you escape?"

The secret agent smiled triumphantly, and held up his wrists. "The old screwdriver-and-magnet-in-the-cuff-links trick! That's how!"

"Escaped?" Miranda asked in uncertainty, "You mean, from the great beyond?"

"No, kid," he sighed, "From the room down the hall."

"Oh, Max!" 99 squealed with glee, "I can't believe that you're alive!"

Max glared at his wife, still feeling sensitive about what he'd witnessed earlier.

"Sorry to disappoint you!"

99 was taken aback by his strange remark and angry tone.

"Well, Smart," Siegfried said, regaining his composure, "You have the element of surprise on your side, but-"

"Oh great!" Max interrupted, "There's that but again!"

"That's right, Smart!" Siegfried went on, "And here it is!"

"You're not going to moon us, are you, Siegfried?" Miri asked with a smirk.

"No," he assured her, "But I am going to kill you, as planned. And this time, Maxwell Smart, I'm going to kill you for real! For you see, you are powerless to stop me, as you have no weapon!"

Max laughed with confidence. "That's what you think, Siegfried! I happen to have a modified instrument of supreme killing capacity that I've reconstructed myself! Hymie!" he called.

The vent swung open, and down jumped Hymie. He was properly put back together, but he also looked newly revitalized. The big change on him was where his arms used to be, he now sported two, powerful looking cannons.

"Wow!" Miranda exclaimed in wonder, "He looks badder than the Terminator!"

"Thank you, Miranda," Hymie replied cordially.

"Ha!" Siegfried cackled with confidence. "Smart, you know as well as I do that Control's number one robot is as gentle as a lamb! And he couldn't harm a fly!"

"How about a rat?" Miri asked pointedly.

"Arming that overgrown calculator with cannons was a big waste of time!" Siegfried announced.

"Oh really?" Max challenged, feeling pretty confident himself. "Well, let me tell you something, Siegfried! Hymie's not wearing just any ordinary cannons. He has a special trick hiding up his sleeves- eh, literally."

"Oh, yeah?" Siegfried muttered, "And what kind of cannons would they be?"

Max smiled coyly. "Hmm . . . would you believe a super atomic, nuclear reactor is built inside of his arms?"

"I find that hard to believe!"

"Me, too," Starker said, walking into the room, and staring, with some interest at the drama unfolding before him.

99 remained silent, staring wistfully at her darling Max. She was absolutely ecstatic at seeing her beloved again, alive and well.

Max continued his spiel. "Would you believe that those cannons have the fire power of a small, but effective grenade?"

"I doubt it, highly," Siegfried yawned. After over thirty years of fighting opposite of Maxwell Smart, the would you believe gig was getting to be just the teensiest bit old!

"How about the fire power of a BB gun?"

"The jig is up, Smart," Siegfried sighed, growing tired of the same, old thing, "You and your lovely wife, and that little brainiac over there will meet you makers!"

Hymie glanced over at Siegfried. "My maker was an evil, KAOS scientist, and he was killed with the same lust for power that caused him to turn to evil in the first place. I would never wish to meet up with him again."

"Not you, you stupid robot!" Siegfried screamed, "You will meet with the KAOS trash compactor!"

"Like the one in Star Wars?" Miranda asked curiously.

"Oh, no, little girl," Starker explained, "Ours is much smaller than that, but also much more powerful."

"Oh, Max," 99 sighed, still in the rapture of seeing him again, "I'm so glad you're here!"

"Yeah," Miri agreed sarcastically, "Now we can all die together!"

Max glared at 99 again, then turned away from her. "I'm not talking to you!"

"You mean, me?" Miranda asked in confusion.

"No," Max sighed impatiently, "I'm not talking about not talking to you. I'm talking about not talking to her!" and he pointed to his wife.

"Could you repeat that?" Starker asked, scratching his head.

"I don't think so," Max admitted.

"To me, Max?" 99 asked in disbelief.

"That's right!" he started to say, but then he turned back to Miranda. "Tell Miss Ingrate over there that I said that's right."

Miri reluctantly turned to 99. She averted her eyes when she said, "Max said to tell you that's right."

"I heard what he said, Miranda," 99 sighed, before turning back to face her angry and elusive husband. "Max, why are you acting this way?"

"Would you all please just shut up!" Siegfried hollered, losing his patience for the zillionth time that day (something that commonly happened when dealing with the Smarts).

"Just a minute, Siegfried," Max interrupted his tantrum, "Before you try to kill us, I'd like to get a few things straight with my wife first."

Siegfried shook his head in annoyance, but gave in anyway. "Oh, all right, Smart, go ahead! But remember, this is KAOS, not marriage counseling!"

"Now Max," 99 began, "Why are you behaving this way towards me?"

Max, in turn, looked again to Miranda. "You tell Mrs. Smart that I-"

"Oh Max," 99 broke in, "Don't use poor Miranda as a go-between! She doesn't deserve that!"

"You're right!" Max agreed sensibly, then he turned to Siegfried. "Okay, Siegfried, you tell her, that for someone who thought her husband had just died, she sure moves fast on finding a replacement!"

Siegfried looked over to 99 and began to speak, but she dismissed him with a stern gaze. "I heard him, Siegfried." Then she looked imploringly at her husband again. "But Max, what on earth are you babbling about?"

Max again relayed through Siegfried. "Okay. Ask her why she started crying and gushing when she saw me come in! Was it because she was happy to see me? Or because she was disappointed to see that I was still alive?"

Now 99 was getting angry. She turned to her young friend. "Okay, Miranda, why don't you ask Mr. Smart where he could get such an asinine idea?"

"You really want me to repeat that?" Miranda asked her in shock.

"Oh yeah," Max challenged, "Why don't you ask her if she had planned on taking a date to my funeral!"

"Miranda," 99 yelled over him, "Why don't you tell Max that I have absolutely no idea as to what he is rambling on about, but that he is making a complete jackass out of himself!"

Miranda's eyes lit up. "Do I really get to call him that?"

"Siegfried, why don't you tell Mrs. Smart that I'm referring to the kiss I saw her give to the big jock a few minutes ago!"

99 gasped in shock, and then refused to even reply. She was steaming, both inside and out. Max took this to mean that she was embarrassed about being caught in the act.

Siegfried turned to 99. "He said he wanted to know why you were kissing- oh, wait a minute, Smart!" He looked back at Max. "That was no jock she was kissing! That was Wendenberg, a KAOS agent!"

"Even worse," Max muttered, folding his arms.

"No! Ah, you stupid Smart!" the enemy agent yelled in frustration, "Your wife didn't kiss him. He kissed her! It was a new torture technique we were trying!"

"Oh," said Max sheepishly, "Well, sorry about that, 99. Uh, you may go on now, Siegfried."

"Huh? Oh, thank you, Smart, thank you. Hmm, let's see now . . . where were we . . . ?"

"You were just about to kill us," Max said helpfully.

Miranda sighed, and glared at the man. Not that she hadn't been ecstatic to learn that he was still alive, but she'd wished he'd shown up later. Way later! But, perhaps all was not lost. She still had 99 to count on, despite the fact that the woman looked like she was ready to kill the next person who spoke to her. Okay. Well, at least there was Hymie! Yeah, Hymie! So maybe they would make it out of there alive- despite the efforts of Maxwell Smart!

Siegfried aimed his gun at Max. "Good bye, Maxwell Smart!"

"Hymie, now!" Max yelled, then dodged the oncoming bullet.

Hymie's cannon arms swiveled, and a powerful stream of water came gushing out and knocking everyone over. While the KAOS agents scattered everywhere, Hymie bent down and scooped up 99 and Miranda (chairs and all), and followed Max out the door. Once outside, Hymie hot-wired a van, while Max untied the women in the back seat, and they were on their way to Control headquarters.

"Man, Hymie," Miranda cried, "That was truly amazing what you did back there. How'd you do it?"

"It was easy," the cybernot explained, sounding remarkably like Max, "It was the old firehose-in-the-robot's-arms trick."

Max nodded approvingly. "Works every time!"

XXX

Once at Control headquarters, the four adventurers were approached by Larabee. Max looked Larabee in the eye. "Bart Simpson is in deep, deep trouble!"

Larabee gave him the countersign. "Homer Simpson is a wiener!"

They shook hands, while holding up their left feet behind them, as they bowed.

It wasn't easy. They almost lost their balance and fell over. But, neither man did fall, and Larabee told Max, "Go right in. The Chief is waiting for you guys."

The weary group slumped into the chief's private office. N.C. was sitting at his desk, talking into two phones at once. He saw the group enter the office. "I'll call you back!" he yelled into both phones, and he hung them up.

"Hey, Thirteen!" Max said pleasantly.

"Max!" N.C. exclaimed, "What in the world happened to the four of you? We've been trying to reach you for hours! Where were you? Is everyone okay?"

"One question at a time, please," Max said, holding up a hand.

"You should have seen it, Chief!" Miri babbled in exhilaration, "Siegfried had the whole building surrounded, and then he pulled Hymie apart with a bunch of magnets! Then he took us to some place, but we didn't know where, because he blindfolded us! Then he killed Max, and tortured 99 with a stud muffin. But the stud muffin was really a wuss, and Max was really alive, and he put Hymie back together, and gave him hose guns for arms! And Max and 99 got into this big fight, but Hymie sprayed everyone, and we all got away! Man, it was cool!"

"What on earth are you talking about, child?" N.C. stammered in confusion, "Would somebody please explain this to me in English?" He glanced at the four of them. Finally, his gaze rested upon the tired face of Agent 99. "99, please tell me what is going on."

"Exactly what Miranda told you, Thirteen," she replied, momentarily closing her eyes, "More or less, anyway. But please, sir, it really has been an exhausting evening. Is there any way we can just all stay here for the night?"

N.C. looked carefully at 99. There was something not quite kosher with her right now, although he couldn't place it. Miri had mentioned that she and Max had been arguing earlier. Could that be what's bothering her? The Smarts had survived their share of arguments in the past, but, then again, perhaps this was something much more serious than their usual, everyday tiffs. "Of course, 99," N.C. replied, gently touching her shoulder, "We can put some cots in the laboratory, and the three of you can sleep there. Shouldn't be too uncomfortable. I'll have Hymie keep watch. And Larabee, too. He's working the night shift, anyway."

"I'm hungry," Miranda complained, rubbing at her empty stomach, and looking hopefully up at the Chief.

"Oh, that's right," 99 sighed, "We never did get to eat dinner. What time is it?"

"It's nearly midnight," N.C. told her, glancing down at his watch, "But don't worry. I believe the Control cafeteria is open all night."

"Great!" Miri cried, "I'm starved. All this spy stuff gives you an appetite."

"Yes," Hymie agreed.

"You're hungry, Hymie?" Miranda asked in surprise, "What do you eat?"

"Only health foods," he informed her.

"You mean like spinach and gross stuff like that?"

"No," he replied, "I eat only the finest quality metals and drink the best oils available. Occasionally, I'll have a healthy snack."

"Like what?" Miranda asked with an amused expression.

"Oh, the usual," he said, "Nuts, screws, bolts . . ."

"Nuts have protein," Max pointed out.

Miranda shook her head at the man. "You know something, I think you're a nut!"

Max stuck his tongue out at her.

"Well," N.C. said, "Why don't you all go down to the cafeteria, while I make the arrangements to get you some cots for the lab tonight."

99 nodded, and exited the room, followed by Hymie. N.C. left to locate Larabee. Max detained Miranda at the door.

"Leave me alone, 86," she warned him, "I want to go eat."

"Wait a second," he snapped, before he quieted down, and his expression grew thoughtful, "I, uh, need you to tell me something."

"Yeah?"

He seemed hesitant to continue. "Um, what's wrong with 99?"

She shrugged. "Nothing," she chided, "As far as I can tell, except for marrying you, why?"

"Very funny," he muttered, "But really what's the matter?"

"Why don't you tell me," she said, narrowing her eyes at him, "After all, you're the one who's been married to her for the past three hundred years."

"Yes, and I'd like to continue being married to her," Max scolded her, "So don't get sassy with me, young lady. You just answer my question. I know that she's been confiding in you. On the drive over here, all she did was whisper into your ear. And she wouldn't say a word to me!"

Miranda turned her back at him, resenting his scolding nature. But she did answer him. "Can you blame her? After the way you acted tonight. But I . . . I promised her I'd never say anything to you about it."

"Aw, come on, Miri! Give me a break!" When she wouldn't budge, Max put his hands on her shoulders and forced her to face him. It was then that she saw how sincere and upset he was. In his eyes was a pleading she had never seen before. "Please, Miranda, I need to know what's bothering my wife. I should have a right to know, shouldn't I?"

"I don't know," she admitted, averting her gaze, "You were pretty rude to her."

"But how?" he pleaded, "How was I rude to her? What did I say? Why is she so angry with me now?"

"One question at a time, please," Miri said, aping his words perfectly, with a mischievous smirk on her face.

Max looked desperate. He clutched tightly at her hands. "Oh, please, Miri, I beg you! Please just tell me why 99 hates me!"

She stared into his sad, beady eyes, and her heart grew compassionate. She squeezed his hands sympathetically. "Well, 99 had sworn me to secrecy, but I know she'll never feel better until you guys make up- or, whatever it is you secret agent people do. You see, 86, when we thought you had . . . died... we were really sad. But 99 wasn't just sad, she was . . . really, really sad. And you should have seen her, Max. She was such a wreck without you. It was kind of pitiful."

"Really?" Max asked delightedly.

"Yeah, and she cried and cried over you, and sort of just gave up, until I set her straight and convinced her that we had to get out of there alive, if only to avenge your good name, or some crap like that."

"Thank you," Max replied, genuinely touched.

"You're welcome. But, when we were just about to escape, Siegfried came in. And he got Starker to bring in the stud muffin, to torture 99 with."

"Some torture," he muttered, still a trifle peeved at the very recollection of the event.

"Well, wouldn't you feel tortured if you had to kiss him?" Miri asked him pointedly.

"Well, yes," Max sighed, "But that's a little different, you know. He wasn't exactly my type!"

"And he wasn't 99's type, either," Miranda pointed out, "She married you, didn't she? And then you had to waltz in and yell at her and accuse her of being unfaithful, or whatever. That's why 99 got so mad at you. Not because she was disappointed that you weren't dead, and not because you saw her kissing a KAOS agent. It was because you just didn't trust her."

"Ah," Max whispered mournfully, "So that was what did it. I wonder why it never dawned on me before?"

"Because you're a man," Miranda stated simply.

"What?"

"Hey," she said with a shrug, "It's nothing personal. I'm just repeating what 99 told me. You really hurt her, you know? Just like the way your kids hurt you." Her eyes grew wide. "Oops!"

He narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean, oops? What are you talking about now, kid?"

"Oy vey!" the girl sighed. "Uh, listen, dude, this is something that 99 had told me earlier, about your kids, I mean. She made me promise that I wouldn't tell you about it, but since I've already betrayed her trust, anyway, I suppose one more time couldn't hurt . . . 99 told me what happened with your kids."

"Oh," he said softly.

"I was real sorry to hear about them," Miri added, patting him on the shoulder, "Do you ever see 'em, or hear from 'em?"

"Occasionally," Max told her wistfully, "We get cards from them on every holiday. Presents, too! And, of course, we still see them on family get togethers. It just . . . hasn't been the same since they left home and joined up with . . . with . . ."

"The CIA," Miranda finished dully.

He glared at her. "Right."

"Hmm, I know you still feel real bitter about that, Max," the girl said carefully, "But you should try to let go of your anger. It's made you bitter towards them! And towards any other kids you might happen to meet."

Max stared into Miranda's earnest face, narrowing his eyes. "You know something, little girl, you have an awful lot of nerve!"

She shrugged. "So?"

"So, uh, do you think you could find a way to help me get 99 back?" he asked hopefully. The kid had been right on the nose for the way he'd felt about his children. And if she was always so perceptive, then maybe she knew how to help him win back his beloved wife's favor.

"I don't know."

"Of course," he sighed, in grim defeat. His shoulders slumped and he started for the door.

"Unless . . ." he heard the girl murmur, her ingenious mind mulling over something in her head.

He was by her side again, in an instant, grasping her elbow in anticipation.

"What?" he asked breathlessly.

"Hmm," she whispered thoughtfully, "Well, 99- as much as I love her- is a real. . . mush monster! A hopeless romantic. And she probably just loves all of that mushy, lovey-dovey crap-"

"Mushy, love crap!" Max interrupted, "Yep, that's her, all right! What about it?"

"So," Miri elaborated confidentially, "This is how we're going to win her back. Are you listening carefully, now Max?"

"Shoot!"

"Here's the plan: We're going to . . . romance her!"

"Romance her?" Max repeated in confusion, "But how are we going to do that?"

"Jeez, Max!" she sighed, "It's a wonder you guys ever had any kids!"

"Hey!" Max shouted at her, "Watch your mouth, missy! Don't think I don't know what that means!"

"Oh, good Lord," Miri muttered, blowing out a breath of exasperation, "Do you want to hear my plan, or not?"

"Yes, of course."

"Okay, here goes," she whispered, secretly wondering if Max would understand a word of what she was about to say. He seemed to be pretty clueless about the simple basics of romance. It made her wonder about 99, and how she could have lived that long with a man like Smart. (Nah, he can't be that bad! Nobody could be that bad!) "Let me ask you something. Do you guys have a song?"

"We had twins. One of them was a son."

"No Max, a song, not a son! Like a 'hey, they're playing our song' kind of thing. Do you?"

"Well, of course we had a song!" he replied indignantly, as if he'd just been insulted, "What kind of romantic fool do you think I am? I'm just as sappy as the next guy, you know! Of course 99 and I have a song! What loving couple doesn't have a song?"

"Great! What is it?"

"I don't remember."

"Max!" she cried, hitting her forehead with the palm of her hand, "Well, what good is having a song, if you can't even remember it?"

"Well," he began, "I suppose it could be-"

"Um, that was a rhetorical question, Max. Jeez, maybe this isn't such a good idea, after all. I don't know how it would even work if we don't know-"

"Don't say that," Max gasped, "We can't give up now! We've got to win her back, Miri! Can't you see how much we need her? Don't you know how awful our lives would be without her?" He started to whimper.

"Okay, okay, 86, don't have a cow," Miri calmed him, rubbing his shoulder, "Just hold on now. If there's one thing I can't stand to see, it's seeing an agent crying! So just, calm down, and try to think of that song."

"And then what?" he asked, wiping tears from his eyes.

"And then we'll need Hymie and Larabee's help. And a guitar . . ."

"But Miri, I don't know how to play the guitar."

"Well, I can. And that'll be enough."

"Where'd you learn how to play a guitar?" Max asked her snidely, "Another spy movie? Or The Singing Nun?"

"Neither," she said, "Learned it in school at the orphanage." He gave her a doubtful look. She shrugged. "Well, it was either that or taking wood shop! Anyway, go get Larabee and Hymie right now, and I'll go to the props and disguises room, and look for everything we need."

"Right, Miri," he said, bounding out of the room, before coming back and tousling her soft, dark hair, mussing it up considerably. "You're all right, kid," he told her with a smile, then leaving her alone again.

Miranda sighed, with a bemused expression as she smoothed her hair back into place. "Boy," she said aloud, "If I'm not saving their lives with my inspirational speeches, then I'm saving their marriage with my infinite wisdom . . . I should be getting paid for this!"

XXX

Max followed Miranda's instructions to the letter, and secretively motioned for Hymie and Larabee (who were currently enjoying a late night snack) out of the cafeteria. Of course, as secretive as Max thought he was, both 99 and N.C. had seen him in the doorway, whistling quietly at his friends. And, they had both seen Hymie and Larabee get up (their chairs squeaking loudly) and lumber out of the room. Then there was the fact that both Hymie and Larabee had been seated at the same table as 99 and N.C., so it was that much more painfully obvious. 99 and N.C. curiously looked on, after their friends' strange departure.

"Now, what could that be about?" N.C. asked, although he was pretty sure that he was better off not knowing. Anything that involved both Maxwell Smart and Larabee couldn't be good.

"Who knows?" 99 replied with disinterest, "Who cares?"

N.C. watched 99 with frank curiosity and a great amount of worry. She seemed so . . . bitter about something, and he couldn't help wondering if her husband, Maxwell Smart had something to do with it. He was pretty sure that it was just that. He'd known Max for a long time. He knew usually meant well, and that he really loved his wife. But he also knew that Max was an ace at putting his foot in his mouth. He just wished he knew what they had been fighting about back at KAOS headquarters.

"I wonder where Miranda wandered off to . . ." she murmured, glancing about the room, "All she was talking about was how hungry she was, and now she's not even in the cafeteria."

"Oh, I'm sure she's just fine," N.C. assured her, "She's probably off exploring around headquarters, I'll bet."

"Yeah," 99 agreed softly, "That's probably it. She's very curious." All of a sudden, she bit her lip and turned away, as if trying to hide some stray tears that had overtaken her.

"99," N.C. began reluctantly, "You are one of Control's top agents, and a good friend to me. And, as your chief, I'd like you to think that you can . . . confide in me, if the need should ever arise."

"Thank you," she said simply, turning back around, having forced back her tears, yet again.

N.C. sighed and trudged onward, wondering if using a different tact would help. "99, what I'm trying to say, is that if you have any problems, no matter how personal they may be, if you need someone to talk to, I want you to know that you can come to me."

99 gave him a melancholy smile. "Thanks," she said again, and left it at that.

"Oh, come on, now, 99!" he said, growing impatient at her polite elusiveness, "I know that something is bothering you. Miranda even said that you and Max had an argument down at KAOS headquarters. And from the way you've been acting since you've gotten back, I'd have to say that it was a very serious argument. So, why don't you vent your feelings on me, and you'll feel much better! It's a proven guarantee!"

99 looked solemnly at N.C., her blue eyes struggling against her tears again. This time, she lost, and they spilled out over her cheeks. "I appreciate your concern, sir, I really do. And it's not that I deliberately don't want to talk to you about it, it's just that I already tried to talk about it before, and it didn't help me at all. All it did was make it hurt worse. And I really don't want to go through that pain again, because I . . ." her voice trailed off, as the tears over took her.

N.C. was unsure of what to do now. Although he had wanted 99 to confide in him originally, and he had aggressively urged her to do so, if only to have a strong shoulder to cry on, now that it was happening, he wasn't so sure if that had been the right thing to do. It wasn't as if he didn't like 99. He cared for her deeply. She was more than just another agent to him. She was an old friend. But he had to admit, they'd never been close. Not the way that she and Max had always been close to the old chief. None of his and 99's personal conversations had ever gone beyond anything other than trivial stuff. And now, to see her so open like this, and in such pain, made him feel helpless and extremely uncomfortable. Gingerly, he began to pat her shoulder.

Hymie bustled into the room, carrying an entire platform! 99 and N.C. watched him in amazement, as he set the object down in front of the condiment stand in the back of the room, then left, without uttering a sound.

99 wiped her eyes, then exchanged an incredulous glance with the Chief.

Max stood right outside the door, wearing an over sized tuxedo, and feeling extremely nervous.

"Do you remember the song yet?" Miri asked him knowingly.

"No," he said sadly, "I'm afraid that I don't."

"Well, don't worry," she said, with a sly grin, "I'll think of something. And I'll do what I have to do. You just worry about what you've got to do. And you have the harder sell, trying to get 99 to fall in love with you all over again."

"I am worrying!" he snapped defensively, "Eh, sorry about that. Let's just . . . get this plan into action."

"Right, Max," Miri agreed, and she gave Hymie the thumbs up signal.

Hymie returned the gesture, then carried a baby grand piano into the lunchroom, and set it on the stage.

"Hymie," N.C. inquired, "What are you doing?"

Before the robot had the chance to answer, Larabee (as if on cue) marched into the room, and called the Chief away for a pressing matter. N.C. left in a hurry, following Larabee out of the cafeteria. Hymie followed them out, and 99 was left alone. She stared with bewilderment at the set up Hymie had mysteriously constructed. She didn't even get the chance to analyze the oddity, for Hymie soon returned, this time carrying Miranda in under his arm. He jumped up onto the stage effortlessly, and gently set the adolescent down. Then he sat at the piano.

Miranda held a guitar in her hands, and she was quietly tuning it. Larabee walked in now, carrying a tambourine. He, too, got up on stage. 99 noticed now that the three of them wore matching costumes: Brightly colored shirts, with big, puffy sleeves, and dark trousers. They looked like they should have been backing up Desi Arnaz, or something.

N.C. appeared in the doorway, and he flicked on and off the lights. He looked extremely uncomfortable. "Uh, ladies and . . . uh, ladies," he began reluctantly, "The Control headquarters cafeteria is . . . proud to present, live and in person, Miranda and the Agents!" He couldn't believe they had talked him into doing this! He felt like a complete fool.

99 was amazed. She had no idea as to what was happening around her. Was it possible that all of her friends happened to go crazy all at once? As unlikely as that sounded, she knew that nothing was impossible when it came to her zany colleagues.

Miranda pushed a button, and microphones magically appeared from the floor of the stage. She spoke timidly into hers. "Uh, you're supposed to applaud now," she instructed her audience of one.

99 clapped uneasily for a moment, and then watched with disbelief, and an unnatural growing amount of interest in what was transpiring on stage.

"Thank you, thank you," Miri mugged for 99, "Wow! What a crowd! And now, I would like to perform a very special song, for two very special agents." She signaled her band, and the music began to play. 99 recognized the tune instantly, but couldn't place the significance of it. Yet, she realized that it did hold some significance in her life.

Only now did she notice that Max was sitting beside her, having slipped in while Miranda was schmoozing. He was elegantly dressed in a tuxedo that would have better fit Andre the Giant. He gave 99 his most loving, sincere smile.

Just as Miranda began singing, "Just one look, and I fell so hard in love with you," Max took 99 by the hand, and asked her, "May I have this dance?"

Before she could answer, he pulled her up to her feet and out onto the dance floor, in the center of the room, in between rows of tables and chairs. Suavely, he slid his arm around her slender waist, and at the same time, he stepped on her foot.

"Ouch!"

"Oops! Sorry about that, darling."

Max pulled her close and glided her across the floor. He ran into a table, nearly knocking the two of them over. At this point, 99 didn't know whether to laugh or cry. As mad as she still was at Max, she had to give him credit for trying. But, as hard as he was trying, he was also beating the heck out of her!

Miranda continued to sing, and 99 kept wondering why this song was so important to her. The tune, the lyrics; it all blended into a haunting melody that tugged mercilessly at her heartstrings.

The song came to a musical interval, and Miranda tried to get Max's attention. When he finally looked up at her, she mouthed the words, "Kiss her," to him. He mouthed the word, "Wha?" Miri sighed, and wondered how 99 ended up marrying that man. His heart was in the right place, but his brain left something to be desired. "Kiss her," she whispered at him again.

Max spun 99 around at that very moment, and she looked up at Miranda, who gave her a sheepish grin. Then Max spun 99 around the other way, so he was facing the girl once again. "Kiss her," Miri tried it again. "What?" was his silent reply. "A kiss!" she mouthed to him, but it looked like she was screaming at him. She puckered up, and made kissy faces at him, to get the point across.

99 turned and saw the girl making such silly faces, and immediately Miranda straightened up, giving the woman another apologetic grin. When Max looked up at her again, she made that face at him. "A kiss?" he whispered silently, finally comprehending. Miranda nodded vigorously. Finally, he understood.

But Max again, proved her wrong by pointing his finger at Miri up onstage, with a bewildered expression. (Now, why would that kid want to kiss me?) "No, not me!" Miranda sighed, "Her! Kiss 99!" she whispered. That's when Max got it.

He pointed to his wife, behind her back, and glanced up at Miranda, who nodded the affirmative, with a great deal of exasperation. Max returned the nod, and gave the girl the thumbs up signal. Then, he leaned in closer to 99, and poised for a kiss.

"So, Max," she spoke instead, "Whatever possessed you to set all of this up?"

"What up?"

"All of this," she said, gesturing to the stage, the people on the stage, and N.C. who stood in the doorway, staring at everyone, and keeping the lights lowered, "The band, the music, the dancing. It's a bit too romantic for your tastes, isn't it?"

"Oh, that what," he said, starting to get nervous. He offered her a grin, that he hoped didn't reveal the desperation he felt. "Well, for your information, 99, I happen to be a hard case romantic, and this is our little plan. Miri and I set it up. Well, it was mostly me, but I had to have her help, too. After all, I couldn't sing and dance with you at the same time! And, I figured you'd enjoy it more if she did the singing and I did the dancing." He stepped on her foot again. "Eh, sorry."

"You're right about the first part, anyway," she smirked, while still in pain from getting her foot stomped for the countless time that night. She'd forgotten, because it had been so long, but this was the chief reason that she didn't beg Max to take her dancing anymore. It was simply too painful.

"You know, 99," Max continued, ignoring her jibe, "For a snot nosed, little brat, that Miri's not such a bad kid."

"She's a lovely child," 99 corrected him.

"Yeah, right; lovely, that's what I meant."

They danced silently for a moment, Max trying to figure out a debonair enough way to ravish her and sweep her off her feet; and 99 was still trying to remember the importance of that song.

"Just one look," Miranda sang, "And I knew you were my only one!"

"Uh, 99," Max began quietly, "I would like to take this time to apologize to you for the way I acted before."

"You should," she retorted defensively, "You were horrible to me, Max. And cruel. But the worst part is, you felt that you couldn't even trust me. That's what hurt me the most. And it makes it that much harder to forgive you."

"I know, 99," he said softly. He averted his eyes in shame, but only for a moment. This was important. He looked her square in the eye. "And I'm truly sorry. I really am. But . . . we've been together for so long, I guess that sometimes I just take you for granted. And I guess sometimes I take your forgiveness for granted, too. But, I'm not going to do that, anymore. That is, if we still are together. And I sure hope we are, 99, because I don't think that one argument, or even my stupidity should pull us apart. It would just be such a . . . waste."

Now it was 99's turn to lower her eyes in shame. He had been right. No matter what happened, Max was her husband, and her reason for living. And their marriage was too important to let any one argument (or Max's stupidity) tear them apart. And it really would be a waste to throw over twenty years of her life away.

Max watched his wife, as she fought with her inner demons, and he sighed sadly. Perhaps Miri had been right. Maybe he had gone too far this time. Maybe there was no hope for a reconciliation now. After all, she hadn't said her usual, "Oh, Max!" and smothered him with kisses, like she normally did after they made up. His head hung in despair. No defeat had ever been so devastating.

"Just one look," Miri sang out, "And I know I'll get you someday!"

Finally, it clicked. 99 now knew where she'd heard that song before, and why it was so important to her. She looked at Max with tears in her eyes, and all of her anger faded away as if it had never been. "Max," she murmured softly, "I remember now!"

"Remember what?" he asked in confusion.

"The song! I can't believe that you would remember, when even I had forgotten! It took me awhile, but it finally came to me. I know where I heard it. And I remember why it's so special to me."

"Yes well, of course I would remember it, 99," he told her, "Eh, I know what it means to us."

"Yes, Max?" she urged him to continue.

"Uh, well obviously I know what it signifies," he said quickly, "So, why don't you tell what it means to you?"

"Oh Max," 99 sighed dreamily, "It was . . . autumn; the twilight of the year. In 1965, and it was one of our first undercover assignments, after defeating Mr. Big. We had to infiltrate the driving racket, and pretend to be stunt drivers. Then we got invited to the stunt drivers' ball. That's when they played this song, just as two KAOS agents came in, looking for us. And that's when you kissed me, Max, for the first time ever. It was merely to throw suspicion off of us, of course, but it touched my heart, nonetheless, and I fell madly in love with you."

"I remember now!" he exclaimed, hitting his forehead with the palm of his hand, "But, who says that I only kissed you to throw off suspicion?" And he smiled lovingly at her. "As a matter of fact, if I recall, that kiss actually brought on more suspicion, anyway. We were asked to leave. I think it might have been the mustache."

"But Max, you weren't wearing a mustache," she reminded him.

"No, but you were," Max reminded her, "The Chief thought it would be more believable if two guys were stunt drivers, instead of a guy and one . . . absolutely gorgeous woman."

She smiled, her cheeks turning a pleasant pink at the memory, and the unexpected compliment. "Oh yes, I'd forgotten about that part. Oh, Max, I'm so glad that you remembered this song."

"You are?"

"Yes, Max, because it gives us a chance to go with tradition," and she kissed him tenderly.

From on stage, Miranda, Hymie and Larabee (along with N.C. in the doorway) all smiled knowingly at each other. "Just one look," Miri crooned, unable to wipe the happy grin off her face, "That's all it took! Just one look. That's all it took!"

As the song ended, Max dipped 99 backwards, kissing her passionately . . . and the two of them promptly fell to the floor. Typical end to a romantic evening; Smart style!

XXX

After dinner, the cafeteria worker started cleaning up the mess and the costumes and props were returned to their proper places. Then Max and 99 led a very tired Miranda into the laboratory, where three comfortable looking cots waited for them. All of them wore matching pajamas, courtesy of the wardrobe room. Max bounded into the room, and started sitting on the cots, bouncing up and down on them.

"What are you doing, 86?" Miri asked him with amusement.

"I'm finding the best cot," he told her absently.

"Why?" she asked.

"So, I can sleep on it, you little twit!" he muttered, before receiving a disapproving look from his wife. Considering he had just made up with 99, he didn't want to push it, so he reiterated with, "Uh . . . so that you can sleep on it, sweetheart."

Miranda smirked at him. "Nice try, Max. You got the words okay, but you really need to work on your sincerity. I find it extremely lacking."

"You want to know what's lacking?" he challenged her, getting up from the cot.

99 intervened yet again. "Listen guys," she said, glancing up at the clock, "It's already almost two o'clock, and we still have to get up fairly early tomorrow. We have a busy day. I think we'd better stop our . . . bantering, and get some sleep."

Max motioned Miranda over to a cot set underneath the window. "Here you go, sport. A bed with a view." The girl ventured over, and slid down beneath the covers. Max smiled at her, then turned to his wife. "Hey, 99, I'm going to check on Hymie and Larabee before I hit the hay; just to make sure everything is okay."

"Right, Max," 99 agreed, and she watched as Max tripped over the leg of the cot, fell down, leapt up immediately and left the room, without missing a beat. She chuckled with affection. Then she turned her affection over to the young orphan in the room, as she tucked Miranda into bed, and sat down on the edge of the cot. "Miranda," she whispered softly, "I just want to thank you for helping out Max and I in our . . . time of need. It's funny how we set out to help you, but you've done nothing but come to our assistance. You're such a sweet, perceptive child, darling."

Miri's cheeks flushed, and she chuckled. "Ah, it's nothing, 99. I guess, that's just what . . . friends are for."

"Well, except for Max, you're about the best friend I have right now," 99 told the girl. Then she bent down, and hugged the girl tightly for a moment, kissing her brow in that tender way that only mother's can. "Good night, honey."

Miranda fought back tears. As wonderful as 99 was being to her; as loving as she could be, it all gave the girl a feeling of melancholy, for she knew that it would soon come to an end. If things worked out the way the president had intended, then she would soon be back at the orphanage, rotting away for another six years, until she became old enough to officially join Control. And if things didn't work out, then she would become a rotting corpse. Another KAOS casualty, just like her long gone parents. Either way, it seemed a no win situation for the sad eyed waif. She looked up at 99 and wanted to tell her this. Wanted to tell her that she and Max had rescued her from more than just KAOS, or the orphanage. They had rescued her from loneliness. They had welcomed her into their warm family circle. She longed to tell 99 how she wanted to stay there. How she wished she could become a part of that circle permanently. But all she did say was, "Good night, 99."

99 could see the sadness in the little girl's large, brown eyes. She could see the tears threatening to surface. She had a feeling she knew why the child was so sad. But now was not the time to dredge it up. So, keeping up the decorum of cheerfulness, she kissed Miri once more, and then returned to the other side of the room, where Max had placed their cots.

At that moment, Max came back in. He ventured over to his wife. "Well, everything's okay, 99," he assured her. He spied Miranda looking forlornly out the window. "Or, is it?" he asked. He kissed 99's cheek. "I'll be right back, honey." Then he walked over to Miri's cot.

She was sitting up, staring, deep in thought, at a large, twinkling star, seemingly hanging directly over Control headquarters. It somehow seemed bigger, more dazzling than the others.

"Wishing on a star?" Max asked her, causing her to jump.

"Nah," she lied, attempting to put up a brave front, "I'm too old to believe in that stupid stuff."

"It's not stupid," he scolded her, "You don't know what you're talking about. What do you think I was doing?"

She shrugged. "So? Maybe I was? It doesn't really matter, anyway. Those dreams don't ever come true."

He sat down on the cot beside her. "Hey, if I'd talked like that when I was your age, then I wouldn't be an agent today!"

She laughed. "Hmm, that I can believe!"

"Listen," he began, lowering his voice, and slinging an arm around her shoulders, "I know that you know that 99 thinks that whole song and dance thing was my idea. She even thinks I remembered the song myself, too! I just wanted to thank you for not squealing on me. And, for helping me out. Gee, it was pretty lucky that you ended up singing that song, huh?"

"What makes you think it was luck?"

"Well, it had to be just a lucky guess!" he insisted, "You couldn't have known about that song. Unless you had been there . . . you weren't, were you?"

"No, of course not, Max," she assured him, "I wasn't even born way back then. But I did know about the song. See, before I met you in the props department, I looked up yours and 99's case files on the computer, and found some old mission reports."

"And the kiss was in there?" he asked incredulously.

"No, but 99's memoirs were, and it was in that."

"Oh," Max replied, "Well, at any rate, I'm glad you found it, and I'm glad that you thought that whole plan up. And I thank you profusely, from the bottom of my heart. You know, contrary to my earlier opinion of you, you're not such a bad kid."

"And contrary to my earlier opinion of you," she retorted good naturedly, "You're not a complete moron."

"What did you say?" he asked her, narrowing his eyes.

"Nothing," she insisted, "Except that, you're welcome. Hmm, guess we'd probably better get some sleep now, before 99 gets mad at us. I don't know what's going to happen to us tomorrow, but if it's anything like today was, then I'm sure that we'll need all the sleep we can get."

"I hear ya, kid," he agreed, "Good night." He stood up, but before returning to his cot, he bent down and gave the girl a quick hug and an affectionate tug on her ear.

Miranda smiled at him. "Good night, Smart." she called after him, when he got up to leave. "Don't let the bed bugs bite."

"Bugs?" he cried in fear, "Where? In here? Why wasn't I told that the lab had a pest problem?"

"It's just an expression, Max," Miri assured him, stifling laughter.

He narrowed his eyes at her. "I know that," he muttered, then turned back around . . . where he promptly tripped over the leg of the cot again, and fell on his face. He ignored the girl's laughter and returned to the other side of the room, slipping comfortably into his cot.

He looked at 99, who was already in bed, and facing away from him. Max gently touched her hair. "99, are you awake, honey?" No answer. Max leaned over and kissed her cheek. "99?" he asked again. Still no response. Then Max tried blowing into her face. That didn't work either. He tried tickling her nose with the tip of his finger, but she still didn't wake up. Finally, he leaned over and bit her on the ear.

She woke up saying, "Ouch!"

Max quickly laid back down on his cot, acting casual. "Oh," he said innocently, "You're awake."

"What's up?" she asked tiredly.

"Well . . . I guess everything's all right now, between us, I mean, right?"

"Yeah," she mumbled sleepily.

"You know, 99," he said, waxing philosophical, "I realize this is one of the most dangerous missions we've had in a long time, and that it's taken it's toll on both of us, but to be perfectly honest with you, it's also the most fun I've had in a long time. I haven't felt this alive in years! And I've learned a lot, too. About myself, and you, darling, and even Thirteen! And plus, we found Miranda, and she's . . .well, she's a good kid. There, I've said it. And I mean it, too, 99. I really do. Hmm, life isn't wonderful, but it's getting there. Don't you agree?" 99 began to snore. He sighed. "Yep. I sure have learned a lot about you, 99."

Miranda lay across the room, chuckling silently to herself in the darkness. The soft murmur of the two agents' voices had somehow soothed her; and made her happy; and made her laugh. She thought the same as Max. That she hadn't felt this alive in years. Max and 99 made her feel loved. Made her feel . . . safe.

Soon, Max fell asleep, as well, and he, too, began to snore, but it wasn't the low, gentle hum like noise that 99 made. His was more like a chainsaw running into a beehive. Miranda put her pillow over her head, covering her ears. This was going to be one, long night!

XXX

Somehow, despite all of the snoring going on, all of the turmoil in her heart, and after calming down her empty, growling stomach (during the excitement that night, she had forgotten all about eating dinner), Miranda managed to fall into a deep, fitful sleep. But it didn't last long enough, and after what seemed like no time at all, the girl awoke to the sounds of friendly chatter coming through the open doorway of the next room. She slowly opened her eyes, and let them adjust to the light gradually. Then, she stood up to face a new day, and peeked around the corner into the adjoining room.

Larabee was talking to an unfamiliar agent, excited and anxious to plan for next month's talent show. (After his brush with show business the night before, he thought of himself as a professional entertainer.) Hymie stood behind 99, putting her hair up into a neat, tidy bun- hairdressing being just one of his many talents- and he listened to Max, who told them of his daring escape from the KAOS holding cell, out through the vent shaft. He folded his arms suavely across his chest, and leaned back against the doorframe. Only it wasn't the door frame- he was about a foot short of that- and he fell to the floor. But he was agile, and he leapt back up to his feet effortlessly, and nonchalantly resumed his story.

Miranda smiled at the picture her new friends made. She glanced at the clock on the far wall. It was nearly eight. She yawned and stretched, before walking into the room. "Hey, guys," she mumbled sleepily.

"Good morning, sweetheart," 99 said in a cheerful tone, "Why don't you get your shower and get dressed, and then you can meet us down in the cafeteria for breakfast."

"Sounds like a plan," Miri stated, "I only hope that your cafeteria food tastes better than the food at the orphanage."

"Hmm," Max said, "Well, did the orphanage make you eat gruel and hard bread for breakfast every morning?"

Miranda made a face. "Who do you think I am, Oliver Twist? Of course they didn't."

"Oh. Well, that's what they serve us."

"They do not," she argued with him.

"Sure they do," Max told the girl with a mischievous grin.

"99?" she asked, "Do you have to eat gruel here for breakfast?"

"No, dear," 99 told her.

"See?" Miri stated, staring pointedly at Max.

"It's actually called mush," 99 added, and Miranda's eyes grew wide, as she looked over at the beautiful secret agent.

"Are you serious?" the girl asked in distaste.

99 burst out laughing, as did Max. Hymie even smiled. "No, honey," 99 chuckled, "I was just pulling your leg."

"Well," Miranda declared in a mocking tone, "I'll thank you kindly to leave my legs alone. Don't forget I'm an orphan. Scares like that are common place with my kind."

"Go take your shower, Annie!" Max shouted jokingly, "Before we make you scrub the floors or something."

"Yes, Miss Hannigan," she replied, giving him a salute and heading for the door. As she was leaving, she could hear Max ask his wife, "99, who's Miss Hannigan? And I don't look like her, do I?" Shaking her head, Miranda went to the shower room reserved for female scientists and a half-hour later, she returned to the cafeteria for breakfast with the gang. She was surprised and frightened by what she saw next . . .

Lord Siegfried and his gang of evil persons had somehow gotten into Control headquarters by disguising themselves as members of the kitchen staff. All wore aprons and hairnets, except for Siegfried, who wore a large chef hat that said Kiss the Chef. Siegfried and his gang currently had all of the Control agents in the room standing up against the wall, with their hands up. They were being held at gunpoint.

Miranda ducked out of the room quickly, knowing that Siegfried and his goons had not yet seen her. She had to think of something- fast!

"All right!" she heard Siegfried yell impatiently from out in the hallway, "Where is the little rug rat?" No one answered him.

One of his men ventured forth. "One thing is for sure, my lord," he said confidently, "She is not in the lunchroom."

This answer did nothing to improve Siegfried's disposition. "You stupid, stupid sissies! Of course she's not in the lunchroom! But you were supposed to search the entire building, not just the cafeteria!"

"But, we did, my lord," Starker assured him, "We checked out the whole building. Well, all but one room."

"You dumkuff!" Siegfried roared, "Don't you know, that's probably the one room that she was hiding in! Now tell me, why didn't you search it?"

"Because, Siegfried, it was the private, female scientists' locker room. We couldn't go in there!"

"That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard!" Siegfried continued on his rampage of berating his underlings, "KAOS agents who obey the rules? Not to mention, that they can even read the rules! Preposterous! Why didn't you go in there? Because it was marked female scientists?"

"No," Starker explained rationally, "Because it was marked private."

Max inadvertently saved Starker's hide, when he opened his mouth and broke in on Siegfried's tirade. "That's right, Siegfried," he ad libbed (he always fancied himself to be a top notch ad libber!), "We have Miranda hidden in a place that you'll never find her!"

From outside the doorway, Miranda couldn't help but to smirk. No one could brag, or put his foot in his mouth quite like Maxwell Smart.

"Besides, Siegfried," 99 asked sensibly, "If you were so sure fired anxious to kidnap that poor child, why didn't you just sneak into Control headquarters last night, while everyone was sleeping and could be caught off guard?"

"Hmm," Siegfried mulled it over, "Well, don't that beat all? I never even thought of that! But, we KAOS agents have to sleep, too, you know. Besides, Starker here is afraid of the dark."

"Well, there could be gollywoggles in the dark," Starker told them.

"That is where you generally find them," Max added, nodding his head in agreement.

"Enough!" Siegfried sputtered, "Just tell us where the little brat is, and we'll get out of here!"

"No deal," 99 hissed at him.

"You know," Siegfried told her, peering deeply into her eyes, "For such a smart girl, you obviously have a stubborn streak in you. Where'd you pick that up from? Him?" and he pointed over to her husband. When 99 said nothing, and folded her arms in defiance, Siegfried shook his head. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Listen, Siegfried," Max told him, "You're not going to get the kid from us, so why don't you and your gang of dunderheads get lost?"

"I don't think so, Smart," Siegfried said with a nasty grin, "I may not have the little genius yet, but I do have the little idiot."

"Who's that?" Max asked, narrowing his eyes. He had a bad feeling. He already knew the answer to that question.

"You, Smart, you!"

Max stared angrily at his archrival. Okay, he'd thought the KAOS killer was talking about Larabee. But the man's answer was even worse than what Max had anticipated. "Hey," he protested in a scowl, "I resent that remark!"

"Do you deny it?"

With a resigned sigh, Max said, "No! But I still resent it!"

"Enough of this stupidity," Siegfried muttered, "Wendenberg! Eradicate Smart!" The stud muffin from the night before stepped out into the open, and stood before the short, scrawny form of Maxwell Smart.

"Hello, Smart," he said, punching his fist into the palm of his other hand.

"Oh, hi."

"Oh, no!" 99 sighed, "Its the stud muffin- although I use that term loosely."

"The stud muffin?" Max asked, with renewed interest, and a growing amount of rage. "Oh, so it's you. I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you with your clothes on!"

"He's as good as dead," Larabee whispered to 99.

"Don't worry, Max," 99 called to her husband, "He's really just a big wimp! Not to mention a terrible kisser!"

Max swaggered his way closer to the towering giant, and folded his arms with confidence. "All right you Mr. Universe pageant reject," he challenged, "You're the big putz who was trying to make out with my wife! But I heard she got the better of you, which . . . doesn't look too hard to do! Let's see what you're really made out of!" And Max punched him with all his might, across the jaw. But it didn't even phase the man. So, Max gave him a Karate chop to the neck. Again, nothing. Then he punched Wendenberg hard in the gut. Now that one hurt! The only problem was, it was Max that was hurting.

The Control agent, after composing himself, then reached up and put a friendly arm around the thug's shoulder and he playfully punched his chin. "Look, Wendenberg," he said with a smile, "I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the Mr. Universe pageant reject." Wendenberg answered his question by picking Max up by the scruff, and then flinging him across the room. Max hit the far wall with a dull thud.

"Oh, no, Max!" 99 screamed in panic, and she pulled away from the group, to go help her husband to stand.

"It's all right, 99," he replied wearily, gratefully leaning against her for support, "It was only my head."

Hymie then took action, by giving the stud muffin a taste of his own medicine. He belted the large man across the face, which sent him into orbit, and flying out the window.

"Good job, Hymie!" 99 cheered.

"Well," Max told her, feeling somewhat sheepish, "After all, I did rough him up a lot, first."

"Yes, you did, love," 99 agreed, kissing his cheek.

"Okay," Siegfried sighed, "Enough fighting. I guess that didn't work out too well. Onto plan B."

"What's plan B?" 99 asked curiously.

"99, darling," Max told her gently, "If you don't mind, I'd like to handle this."

"Of course, love," 99 replied with understanding.

"All right, Siegfried," Max began, utilizing his voice to exude authority, "What exactly is plan B?"

"Yeah, Lord Siegfried," Starker added, "What's plan B?"

Siegfried shook his head in exhaustion. "Ugh! I'm surrounded by idiots! Excepting you, of course, Miss 99," he added hastily, "Starker, come here!"

"Yes, my leader?" Starker asked, standing next to him.

"Stick your hand in your pocket," Siegfried commanded. Starker started to move. "I said your pocket, dumkuff."

"Ooh, sorry, my leader." He did so.

"Now Starker, what did you find in your pocket?"

"Uh, some gum, eighty-three cents worth of change and my lucky rabbit's foot," Starker answered obediently.

"Uh huh," Siegfried muttered, "Okay, now look in your other pocket."

Starker did so.

"And what is in that pocket, Starker?"

"Well, let's see now . . . I have some more gum, a used tissue . . . ooh, forty-six more cents! And a . . . a little plastic box with a button on the top of it."

"Ah, a little plastic box with a button on the top of it," Siegfried repeated, seemingly delighted, "And do you remember what that little plastic box with a button on the top of it is?"

"No."

"Think harder, Starker."

Starker obeyed. Finally, a light went on. "Oh yeah! Now I remember, Siegfried! It's the secret thingee! For plan . . . uh . . ."

"B, you dumkuff!" Siegfried yelled, "You stupid, stupid idiot! You sissy! That is plan B, Starker! Now, give me the box!"

"What box?"

"THE ONE IN YOUR STUPID HAND, YOU STUPID IDIOT!"

"Oh. Okay." He handed Siegfried the box.

Miranda stretched as far as her neck would allow her to, vying for a better look at the little plastic box with the button on the top of it, to see if she could figure out just what plan B was all about.

"Oh no!" Maxwell Smart yelled in terror, shielding himself behind his wife, "It's a bomb detonator!"

Everyone in the room- including the KAOS agents- went ballistic, running around screaming, like chickens with their heads cut off.

"Relax! Relax!" Siegfried tried yelling over the noise, "SHUT UP! It's not a bomb detonator!"

"It isn't?" Max asked suspiciously.

"It isn't?" Larabee repeated.

"No, it isn't," Siegfried muttered.

"Well, what is it, then?" 99 demanded to know.

"Tell her, Starker," Siegfried commanded.

"Tell her what, Siegfried," the knucklehead asked, "I thought it was a bomb detonator, too!"

Siegfried shook his head again, and groaned, "Oy, it's so hard to find good help these days! This little plastic box with the button on the top of it is not a bomb detonator, but a child detector!"

"A what?" Miri asked quietly from her place just outside the door.

"A what?" everyone else in the room repeated.

"It's a child detector," Siegfried explained, "And it can detect anybody under the age of twenty-one years of age!"

99 exchanged an incredulous look with her husband. "That's incredible," she exclaimed, in spite of herself, "But how does it work?"

"You see," Siegfried went on, "It works on the same principle that scientists use to find out how old a tree is. You know how they count the rings on their trunks? Well, our scientists have discovered that the cells in a person's body do the same thing! And they've developed a device that can detect your age by homing in on your blood cells, and the neurons they give off . . . or . . . something like that! I don't even pretend to understand it, myself."

"Hey, Siegfried," Max piped up, "If you already have such brilliant scientists who can do things like that, then why do you need to take away our scientists?"

"Oh, get with the program, Smart!" Siegfried sighed, "We're KAOS. We don't need another scientist anymore than we need another hole in our heads. We just want to take her, because we know that you need her."

"If that isn't the most selfish thing I've ever heard!" 99 declared bitterly.

"Of course, we're selfish, 99," Siegfried told her, "We have to be. It's rule four in the KAOS handbook."

"Well, 99, you got to admit," Max told her, "When the man's right, he's right."

Siegfried turned on the machine. It remained lifeless. He had Starker go throughout the entire building with it, but to no avail. (Miranda had since that time, ducked, unnoticed, into the cafeteria, and hid beneath a table. The machine never beeped once while she was there.)

"I guess they were telling the truth, Lord Siegfried," Starker said, "The child detector comes up blank."

Max and 99 looked surprised.

"Blank," Siegfried mused, "Just like your head! Are you sure you did it right, dumkuff?"

"That's right, Siegfried," Max told him smugly, "She's just not here! We told you, but you wouldn't believe us! Well, now do you believe?"

"No. Now, you had better spill the beans!"

"Bad choice of words in a cafeteria, Siegfried," Max said, "But my answer is still no!"

"Are you sure of that answer, Smart?" Siegfried challenged him, "Are you willing to face death and torture?"

"Death?" Max laughed nonchalantly, "Ha! I laugh in the face of death! Now, torture I'm not too crazy about. But, I have no choice but to refuse your offer."

"And why is that, Smart?"

"Because," Max admitted sheepishly, "We don't know where she is, either."

"Fine," Siegfried announced, "It is time for you all to die now. And I believe I shall start with . . . the beautiful Agent 99."

"But why her?" Max asked defensively.

"Because," Siegfried explained, "I may be a killer and an evil KAOS fink, but I am still a gentleman, and everyone knows that the first rule of etiquette is that ladies go first!"

"Hmm," Max contemplated, "Well, he does have a point, 99."

"Max!"

Siegfried grabbed a hold of 99, and put the gun to her temple. All the Control agents watched in helpless horror, knowing that if any one of them made any sudden movements, she would most certainly be killed instantly.

"Oh, Max," she sobbed, looking at him with her beautiful, blue eyes. Beautiful, blue eyes that were currently filled with tears.

"Oh, 99," he cried, equally emotional, and the tears spilled down the sides of his face, "Oh, darling, I love you! I just . . . wish we'd had more time together. There's still so much we need to learn about each other."

"But Smart," Siegfried exclaimed in surprise, "You and 99 have been married since time began! What else is left that you could possibly still not know about each other?"

"I'm sure we could find something!" 99 sobbed.

"Yeah, Siegfried," Max agreed, "There's lot's to learn. Why, did you know that, until last night, I never knew that 99 snored?"

"I snore?" 99 asked in shock.

"That's right, honey," he told her, "And I never even knew that until just last night? Can you believe it?"'

"That's only because you snore so loud, nothing can be heard over it!"

Everyone turned around to see Miranda standing, alone, on top of one of the cafeteria tables.

"Shoes on my tables?" the Control lunch lady hissed disapprovingly, "Ooh, somebody's in big trouble now!"

"Hey, it's her!" Starker said in amazement.

Siegfried was equally baffled. "But I don't understand," he said, taking his attention off of 99, who quietly slipped back in next to her husband, "We had the child detector tested before we came here, and it worked! Yet, here you are, completely undetected! How on earth did you avoid our radar scan?"

"Simple," the girl told him, holding up her arm. "By wearing my child detector-deflector bracelet!"

"Of course!" Max exclaimed, "The old child-detector-deflector-bracelet-on-the-kid trick! What a great idea. That's what I would have done!"

"Grab her!" Siegfried commanded his cronies, and several KAOS agent lunged for the girl.

"Hold it!" Miri shouted, holding up her other hand, "Not so fast, Siggy!"

"What is that?" Siegfried asked, watching as his men stopped dead in their tracks.

"Ha!" Max laughed at his rival, "And you call yourself an agent! You don't even know what that is? What an idiot!"

"Okay, Smart," Siegfried challenged him, "Why don't you tell us what it is?"

"I can't," Max said with a shrug, "I don't know what it is, either. Eh, 99, what is that?''

99 peered closely at the object in Miranda's tiny hand. "Well, I'll be . . . it looks to me like it's a self propelled, double whammy compass and bomb mechanism in a Barbie doll!"

"Right-o, 99," Miri complimented her.

"Of course," Max said in comprehension, "The old bomb-in-the-Barbie-doll trick! Good thinking, kid."

"Ah!" Siegfried muttered in annoyance, "Not the old bomb-in-the-Barbie-doll trick! That's the second time this month that's happened to us!"

"That's right, Siegfried," Miranda threatened, "And I won't hesitate to use it, either, unless you let all my friends go. Then, I'll surrender and go work for your stupid KAOS, or you can kill me if you want to, but not until you let them go!"

"Oh, Miranda," 99 sighed in admiration, "You brave, brave girl! But we can't let you make that kind of sacrifice!"

"Why not?" Max asked in confusion.

"Max!"

"All right, kiddo," Siegfried said, "I'll take you up on that offer. Now, get off of the table and set the doll down. Then walk slowly over to me."

"Hey," she shouted back at him in annoyance, "I'm the one holding the doll here, remember? I'll call the shots!"

"Oh yeah," Siegfried groaned, "Okay half pint, what do you want us to do?"

"First of all," she began with an air of authority, "Don't call me half pint! And secondly, you must let every Control agent in this room go. And . . . while you're at it, you can promise them- in writing! - That you'll never ever infiltrate Control headquarters again!"

"And what will we get in return?" Siegfried muttered, so far not liking this plan.

"Well, for one thing, I'll let you live. And, don't forget, you'll be getting me, too."

"But what kind of bargain is that?" Siegfried complained, "Except for me getting to live, of course. All of these other men are expendable, you know?"

"Look at it this way," Miri shrugged, "You'll be trading in a bunch of run down, old- not to mention totally dweeby- Control agents, for one, young, intelligent scientist!"

"Hmm," Siegfried mulled it over, "Well, I suppose you do have a good point, young lady. And I accept. Starker, get these dead beats out of my sight!"

"Yes, Lord Siegfried . . . uh, who would they be?"

"The Control agents, you stupid! Do it now!"

"Right, my lord!" And Starker got the secret agents to line up in a single file, and he herded them out of the room. Max and 99 were the last in line.

"Hey, 99," Miri called, "I didn't mean what I said before, about you guys being run down, or dweeby!"

"Don't forget, you called us old," Max pouted.

99 ignored Max's outburst, and called out to Miranda. "I know, honey. And don't worry. We're not giving up. We'll get you back, I promise!"

"Oh, Miss 99," Siegfried warned her, "You shouldn't make a promise you can't keep. That's a good way to make the kid distrustful of others."

The lovely Control agent glared at Siegfried, as Starker shoved her and Max out the door. After they were safely out of harm's way, Miranda jumped down from the table and offered her captor's a winning smile.

"Well, Siegfried," she smirked, "I applaud you for your honesty at keeping your word, and your gallantry for granting my wishes. But I'm afraid that your going to be disappointed about one thing."

"And what would that be, tiny?"

"You see this Barbie doll bomb?"

"Yes."

"Well, it's not really a bomb."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Then what is it?"

"Hmm, how do I put this . . ." she replied in mock earnestness, "Do the words the old fake-Barbie-doll-bomb-that's-really-just-a-Barbie-doll trick mean anything to you?"

"What?" he bellowed in disbelief.

"Man," she sighed, "And I thought Control agents were dense!"

"You!" he screamed accusingly, "You stupid . . . little . . . genius!" He was livid, as he grabbed the girl by the ear, sending her into squeals of pain, and they departed out the window, via the fire escape.

All the while, Max and 99 watched the goings on, unnoticed, at the opened cafeteria door. They saw their beloved, little orphan disappear out the window with the vicious, KAOS killers. They turned to each other, giving a nod. They knew exactly what they had to do, and they knew exactly how to do it. And were they determined? Exactly!

XXX

Max and 99 crept down the long, dark corridor at KAOS headquarters. Max held a strange device in his hand that beeped at a steady rate. They had a job to do, and were determined to do it, but they both realized that they were in some serious jeopardy. Being a Control agent could be hazardous enough. But being a Control agent snooping around in downtown KAOS headquarters was much, much worse. But it was a danger that both were willing to risk. Not only had they promised the president himself that they'd protect Miranda, they had grown to love the youngster too much to let her live out her life in the evil hands of KAOS.

(That would be almost as bad as sending her back to the orphanage!)

As the Smarts approached a closed door, the beeping on the device became more incessant.

"Max, this must be it!" 99 cried hopefully, "This is where they've got Miranda!"

"Right, 99," Max agreed, and he quietly opened the door.

Inside, was a woman, around the same age as 99. She had dark hair and eyes and she sat at a lab table, inspecting various beakers and writing the results down into a little green notebook. She looked up and saw the two Control agents heading her way.

"Oh my," 99 declared fretfully, "What have they done to her?"

"It's a disguise, 99," Max explained, "And it's an absolutely horrible one, too, I might add."

"I beg your pardon!" the woman cried, looking quite offended, "But this is not a disguise! It's my own face!"

Max gulped. "Ooh, it's even worse than we thought, 99. They haven't put a disguise on her. They've just found some evil way to age the poor girl. And they did a horrible job on that, too!"

The woman grew angry at the insults being thrown at her by this little, irritating man. "What are you people talking about? I'm not wearing any disguise, and I have not been aged! And I don't take kindly to your insults. Who are you?"

Only then, when she'd yelled at them, did the Control agents detect the faint, German accent. 99 gave Max a look.

"I just don't understand it, 99," he said in confusion, "I thought for sure Hymie's specialty detector would work! All I had to do was push in the proper coordinates.

And I did! Gender: female. Eyes, dark brown. Hair, stupid-"

"Max!" 99 scolded him.

"Oh, all right. Hair . . . brown. And then I put in, occupation: scientist. Age: fifteen."

99 struck a thought. A horrible, horrible thought. "Wait a second, Max! You couldn't have! Well, you did, didn't you?"

"Did what?" he asked innocently.

99 turned to the fuming woman before them. "Uh, listen ma'am, we're truly sorry for this rude outburst, and we never meant to offend you. But I . . . well, I have to know just one thing. It's of vital importance. How old are you?"

"I am fifty-one years old," the woman answered her suspiciously, "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, Max," 99 sighed, "You didn't punch in the age fifteen! You inverted the numbers and put in the age fifty-one, instead!"

"Hmm," he murmured thoughtfully, "99, what does inverted mean?"

"That does it!" the lady scientist shouted in annoyance, "I'm calling security right now!"

"No, no," Max told her, "Don't do that! I mean, we're just the, uh . . . night janitors."

99 shook her head. Somehow, she just didn't think that Max's explanation would help them one bit. And here's why . . .

"But it's in the middle of the afternoon," the woman hissed.

With a sigh, 99 tried- in vain, she knew- to correct the problem. "Well, we had to wait for the afternoon, because the place was so dirty, and, um . . ."

"We just now got to this floor!" Max added smartly.

The woman stared doubtfully at them. "But this is the first floor. Besides, we have different janitors for each floor. Want to try another one?"

"Uh, let's see . . ." Max went on, "Well, see, we changed shifts with the normal janitors with this floor, but we got lost, and . . . by the time we found it, it was daylight!"

"Then why are you both dressed in business suits?" she demanded to know.

Max grew weary of this conversation, but did his best to keep up with it. "Uh, would you believe that we're executive janitors?"

"I find that hard to believe," came the tart reply.

"Would you believe we're junior executive janitors?" Max tried again.

"No, I would not."

"How about clothes hounds?"

"You are Control agents," the woman said with certainty, and she hurried over to her table to set off the intruder alarm.

"Quick Max!" 99 cried, "Do something!"

"Uh, right 99!" he cried back and threw something at her. It hit her directly on the head, and the woman fell, unconscious to the floor, as the item fell apart around her.

"Oh," 99 said proudly, "Good thinking, Max! That was wonderful!"

"Yes," he replied.

"Quick, darling," she went on rapidly, "Turn on the specialty detector, and reprogram it for Miranda."

"Yes well," Max said sheepishly, "I can't do that, 99."

"Why not?"

"Because that's what I threw at Brunhilda over there, to knock her out."

"Oh, Max!" 99 sighed, as she rushed over to where the specialty detector had fallen. She picked up the pieces and tried to put it back together, but to no avail. "Quick Max," she said, "Look for some sort of adhesive around here. Super glue, or gaffer's tape, something."

He nodded, and a few minutes later . . . "Uh, 99, I found some tape . . ."

"Great Max!"

". . . But I don't think it's going to do the trick!"

"Why not?"

Max emerged from behind the scientist's desk with a roll of office adhesive tape. "Because it's not the Scotch brand," he said.

99 groaned, and hung her head low, feeling disheartened. "Oh, Max! Now, we'll never find poor Miranda!"

"Pssst," someone whispered from the doorway.

Both agents spun around to see a withered, old man standing there, waving his craggy finger at them. Max peered closely at him. "Miri?" he asked.

"No," the old man said, "But I know where she is. I can take you to her."

"Who are you?" 99 asked in suspicion.

"My name is Reginald Von Siegfried," he announced with pride.

Max looked over at 99. Both were wondering the same thing. "Are you, by any chance, related to Lord Siegfried?"

"Yes, young man, I am," the old timer admitted, "I am that little whipper snapper's uncle. And I've been held captive here at KAOS headquarters ever since I learned of my nephew's profession."

"How long is that?" Max asked.

"Hmm," the old man pondered, "What year is it?"

"1991."

"For thirty-one years."

"Gee," Max calculated, "That is a long time. Let's see now, if it's 1991 right now, and you've been held captive for thirty-one years, then that would mean that you were taken hostage in the year . . ."

"1960, Max," 99 told him.

"I know that, 99," he snapped, "I was just seeing if you had known."

"Right, Max."

"Why did they capture you, anyway?" Max asked, ignoring his wife's condescending tone.

"Well," Reginald told them, "You see, I was always against the whole idea of my young nephew joining up with KAOS."

"Because you hate evil," Max surmised.

"No, because I hate spies," Reginald explained, "Oh, it's nothing personal, kids. It's just that I hate all that snooping around they all do. But, I do know that my nephew is holding a child hostage in this God forsaken place. Now, I love my nephew, don't get me wrong. But I just cannot stand the idea of that poor kid all alone in a dark, musty cell. A life like that is fine for an old geezer like me, but not for a little girl. That child belongs at home with her parents." He eyed them both carefully. "You are the girl's parents, aren't you?"

The two Control agents both felt the tug at their heat strings at the same moment. They looked to each other. "We're all she's got," Max said simply.

Reginald motioned them closer, and he whispered, "Listen now. I'll tell you where they're holding the kid. She's in the fourth cell, on the fourth floor, under the-" his sentence was cut off suddenly, and the old man gasped, falling to the ground with a thud.

"Max!" 99 screamed in horror, "What happened to him?"

"Well, I can't be sure," he said, inspecting Reginald's fallen form, "But I think this knife in his back has something to do with it."

"Quick, Max," she ordered, "Turn him on his side. I think he's still alive!"

Max did as he was told, and he turned the old man over. Reginald gasped incoherently and Max leaned down over him to hear what he had to say.

"What did he say, Max?" 99 asked anxiously.

"He asked me to get my knee off his chest," Max answered, and complied. He bent over once more and listened for a moment. "99, I think he's dead now."

"Oh, no!" 99 sobbed, "Max, he was our only link to Miranda! And now he's gone! We're even more lost in this place than before! And Max! Somebody threw that knife at Mr. Siegfried! That means they know that we're here, as well! Max, we're in danger! We've got to find Miranda and get out of this death trap!"

"Right, 99," he agreed with urgency, "Let's go!" He grabbed her hand, and the two of them raced down the corridor, heading straight for the fourth cell on the fourth floor and . . . found nothing.

"Oh Max," 99 sighed in despair, "This is hopeless. Here we are at the fourth cell on the fourth floor, and still no Miranda!"

Max put sympathetic arms around his wife's shoulders. "I just can't understand it, 99," he admitted, equally stumped, "We went to where he told us to go. We looked, but she's not here. Maybe he was lying. Or, maybe he just screwed up the directions. He was pretty old, you know. Maybe he was going senile, or something."

"Yeah, maybe," 99 whimpered.

"And then, of course, let's not forget that we're probably being followed by the very person who killed the old fart," Max went on, going for a complete downer, "But we haven't seen even a trace of that guy. So, he must be in disguise, or undercover."

"Max, that's it!" 99 exclaimed, standing straight as a reed, looking hopeful, and startling Max. "You just said it!"

"Said what?"

"You said undercover," she explained rapidly, "And don't you remember? Before Reginald was murdered, he said that Miranda was being held in the fourth cell, on the fourth floor, under . . . that's when someone threw the knife at him, silencing him forever. But don't you see, Max? Miranda's cell must somehow be underneath this cell!"

"Yes, 99, I think you're right," Max agreed. He stroked his chin, deep in thought. "We just have to figure out how to get to that hidden cell." He backed up and leaned against the wall. The brick he leaned against moved inward, causing Max to fall over and the floorboards beneath them to disappear out from under them. Max and 99 fell through the hole, and they landed in a secret, hidden cell.

Max jumped to his feet, and helped 99 to stand, as well. "Wow, 99, it looks like I've found it!"

"Yes, you did, love," she remarked proudly, "But . . . I don't see Miranda anywhere. Oh! We've got to keep searching. Perhaps she's in a different, hidden cell. I'm sure there are more of them down here."

"Don't worry, 99," Max assured her, "We'll find that kid. I'm absolutely sure about it now."

"How right you are, Smart."

Max and 99 jumped, startled, then looked behind them to see Siegfried the Malevolent emerging from a secret compartment in the wall of the secret cell. As that happened, the trap door they had fallen through closed above them, smashing shut tightly, causing the walls around them to vibrate. It made everyone's teeth chatter, and generally gave the Control agents a sense of foreboding.

"Great," Max sighed, "Trapped like rats . . . in a . . . rat trap . . ."

"Siegfried," 99 spat out in disgust, "What sort of ghastly trap have you set us up for this time?"

"That's a good question, cookie," he said with an appreciative gaze, "And I will be delighted to answer it." He moved away from the doorway.

Starker was directly behind him, followed by a large, unemotional looking man. And then, much to the Control agents surprise and dismay, in walked Reginald Von Siegfried.

"Max!" 99 gasped, "It's Reginald Von Siegfried! He's alive!"

"But that's impossible, 99," Max said in disbelief, "He's dead! This must just be his ghost!"

Reginald turned around, and the knife was still in his back. He yanked it away, revealing it to be only a fake.

"Of course," Max muttered, folding his arms in annoyance, "The old fake-knife-in-the-back trick! That's the second time I've fallen for it this month!"

"That's right," the oldster said with an evil smile, "I really am Siegfried's uncle, of course, and I really hate spies- unless they're from KAOS! In fact, I've pledged my undying loyalty to it, since the organization was formed."

"And," Lord Siegfried said, sounding almost giddy, "He's not the only one to take that oath. Observe!"

99 almost fainted when she saw little Miranda walk in, wearing an I LOVE KAOS tee shirt underneath her lab coat. When she looked closer, she noticed that the girl also sported a KAOS tattoo on her right forearm. "Oh, Miranda," she sobbed in despair.

Max was outraged. "Miri," he hollered at her, "What are you doing in that lousy get up? It looks even worse than your hair cut! And look at how you're upsetting your mother- eh, 99! Now, you march right upstairs, young lady, and wash off that tattoo, and change into some decent clothes!"

Siegfried kept a firm hand on the girl's shoulder, as he said to Max, "I'm sorry about that, Smart, but Miranda is through with following orders from you. She only listens to me, being that she is a daughter to KAOS now." He patted her face affectionately.

The sight of such a display made 99 sick. She and Max squeezed each other's hands for mutual support. Both of them were extremely upset by this turn of events. Miranda had once said that she'd never join KAOS. And Max and 99 had believed her. Well, she had proved everyone wrong this time. Including herself.

"Jeez," Max whispered in agony, "This is almost as bad as when the twins told us they were joining the CIA."

99 agreed. She looked her enemy in the eye. "All right, Siegfried, what are you planning to do to us?"

"Me?" Siegfried asked innocently, "I'm not planning on doing anything. But, your little friend here, will be the one to send you into the ultimate destruction.

And you will be eradicated . . . forever!"

"Oh good," 99 countered sarcastically, "If you're going to end our lives, it's nice to know that you'll make it count."

Siegfried handed Miranda a small, remote control device. "Just push the button, my dear, and my super, new robot will tear your friends to shreds."

Max and 99 glanced over at the huge hulk of a man that had remained completely silent up till now.

"Hoo boy," Max sighed, "It was nice knowing you, and being married to you, 99."

"At least he's not as big as GROPO, the last, evil KAOS robot," 99 pointed out, ever the optimist.

"Or as ugly," Max added.

"But," Siegfried continued ecstatically, "GROPO was not nearly as strong as B.O.O.G.E.R. here."

"B.O.O.G.E.R.?" Max and 99 repeated in disbelief (and disgust).

"I hate to wonder how he got that name," Max whispered to his wife.

"No, Smart," Siegfried told him, "B.O.O.G.E.R. is an acronym."

"Wha?"

"An acronym," Siegfried sighed, "It stands for Big Obedient Offensive Giant Effective Robot. You see, B.O.O.G.E.R."

"Ah," Max said in comprehension, "Yes, of course; B.O.O.G.E.R.!"

"I made it up," Miri said proudly, "Pretty impressive, wouldn't you say?"

"It's certainly . . . something," 99 muttered.

"Well, I don't think so!" Max argued, "Miranda, you are a disgrace to child scientists everywhere! Imagine! Helping Siegfried to destroy us- the people who fed you, clothed you; raised you . . ."

"But you didn't raise me," Miranda replied.

"Oh, um, well, I . . . well, that's not really the point right now, Miri! The point is, 99 and I rescued you and took care of you and watched over you. We . . . we loved you like our own! And how do you repay us? By having us squashed to death by a giant . . . B.O.O.G.E.R.!"

"Yeah," Starker laughed, "It's usually the other way around!"

"Starker," Siegfried shouted, "Shut up! That's just gross!" Starker obeyed.

99 looked over to Miranda, who seemed to hold an uncertain, peculiar kind of expression. "Miranda," she asked, staring into the child's large, brown eyes, "Are you . . . going to push the button?"

For a moment, 99 could see the panic and terror in the girl's eyes. But only for a moment. An unreadable mask fell over Miri's face. Then she winked at 99 and smiled. 99 figured that the poor thing must have gone nuts.

"Push the button, little one," Siegfried instructed her.

Miranda smiled up at Siegfried, who promptly returned the gesture. "Yes sir," she said meekly, and she pointed the remote control at the robot, pushing the infamous button. B.O.O.G.E.R. suddenly came to life and he headed straight for the Smarts, declaring, "I will kill you."

Max and 99 gripped each other tightly, and closed their eyes against the horrid fate about to befall them. But, when they waited and waited, and nothing happened to them, they each braved up enough to venture a peep at the killer robot. They saw that B.O.O.G.E.R. had halted in his step, as his entire head began to smolder. Smoke fizzled out through his metallic pores.

"Now that's what I call getting hot under the collar," Max murmured.

"Uh oh!" Siegfried cried, "He's gonna blow!"

Everyone ducked behind a table full of beakers, while the robot's head exploded. After the debris had settled, they all stood up and surveyed the damage.

"But how could this have happened?" Siegfried cried.

In the background, Starker called, "Hey, I just found his head! Wanna keep it, Siegfried?"

"How could this have happened?" Siegfried yelled again. He looked imploringly to Miranda's innocent face. "I don't understand, lepshun! What went wrong?"

"Nothing," Miranda stated simply, "Actually, it worked as well as I'd planned it to. Perfectly."

"What?!"

"Oh, get real, Siegfried," she sighed, "Do you honestly think that I'd kill the Smarts? The people who saved me from a life full of loneliness? The people who fed me and clothed me? The people who cared for me in my time of need? The people who . . . raised me for the last two days?" She looked pointedly at the Smarts, offering them her most sincere and loving smile. When they returned it, she ran over to them and wrapped her arms around each one of them, hugging tightly. She glanced back at the bewildered Siegfried. "Sorry guy," she told him, "But my heart belongs to . . . Control."

"Oh, Miranda, do you really mean it?" 99 began to cry.

"You know it, lady!" she replied.

"Then prove it," Max added, "By getting rid of that hideous tattoo." Miri obliged him by spitting on her arm and rubbing it against her lab coat. "Now, take off that stupid shirt!" She flung off the lab coat, and then the shirt. Underneath that shirt was another that read Control Agents Know How To Keep Control. "Hmm," Max went on, eyeing the child shrewdly, "And you might think about doing something with that hair . . ."

"Max!" 99 warned him.

"Well, little girl," Siegfried growled from across the room, "Your heart may belong to Control, but your life will belong to KAOS!" He whipped out his gun and aimed it at the precocious teenager.

"Duck!" Max yelled, pushing down 99, and diving for cover himself.

"Relax Max," Miri told him, "Go ahead, Siegfried. Shoot me!"

"Miri!" Max shouted, standing up and getting in front of her, "Have you lost your marbles?"

"No, they're right here in my pocket."

99 stood up, and wrapped her arms protectively around the girl. "Oh, Miranda," she sighed.

"Aw, isn't that cute?" Siegfried hissed, still aiming his gun at them, "Maxwell Smart wants to play the hero! Well, all right, hero, I'll just shoot you, instead!" He pulled the trigger and shot Max in the chest.

99 yelled in dismay, until she noticed that Max was bleeding . . . blue! "Oh, my!"

"What the . . . ?" Max declared.

"I, uh, kind of fixed their weapons, too," Miranda chuckled, "Funny, is it not?"

"Well, sure it's funny for you!" Max muttered, glaring at the girl, "But what about me? This was a brand new jacket, you know!"

"Don't sweat it, Max," Miri assured him, "It's disappearing ink. Check it out." Max looked down at his blazer. She was right! The ink was already gone.

Siegfried was outraged. He yelled for Starker and his uncle at once. They appeared before him. He ordered them to shoot, which they did . . . right into his face. But, it was only ink, and they sprayed him good. "Oh, you stupid dumkuffs!" he screeched, "Just look what you did to my face!"

"Well," Starker reasoned, "At least it's disappearing ink."

"Unless it gets on your skin," Miranda explained, "Then it stains!"

"GET HER!" Siegfried shouted at the top of his lungs.

A fight ensued. The KAOS agents lunged for Miranda and her protectors. The old man was easy to take out. Miri simply tripped him and he passed out before he even hit the floor. Max struggled with Starker for a moment, until he got the upper hand; the upper hand being 99's swift Karate chop to Starker's neck.

"Enough of this!" Siegfried hissed, "Mr. Smart, you and your girls are going to die! Starker! Uncle! Get up! Get over here now!" The two underlings obeyed. Siegfried flipped back a panel that had been concealed into the wall. There was a single switch behind the panel and he dangled his finger over it. "Smart!" he yelled, "Do you see this panel? Do you see the switch in this panel? Do you know what the switch is for?"

"One question at a time, please."

"This is a genuine, fully functional cell destroyer!" Siegfried informed them, "And when I flip this switch, the cell you are in will disintegrate, and you will all die!"

"So will you!" Max smart mouthed him. He was getting sick and tired of Siegfried's holier than thou attitude.

"I don't think so, Smart," Siegfried informed him smugly, "You see, we'll all be standing outside of the cell when I hit the switch."

"Yeah, right," Max said, equally smug. He turned to Miri. "Okay, kid, how'd you fix this thing?"

Neither agent liked the look on the girl's face. "But 86-"

Max sighed. "Don't tell me that you didn't tamper with the cell destroyer button!"

"I didn't tamper with the cell destroyer button."

99 groaned. "Oh, Miranda. He asked you not to tell him that!"

"Sorry, guys," she apologized, "I didn't even know that such a device existed! Siegfried didn't tell me everything, you know."

"Well, it's too late to worry about that now," 99 said, "We've got to figure out a way to get out of this."

"But how?" Miri asked.

"Not so fast, Siegfried!" Max shouted suddenly, "There's something you haven't seemed to realize yet! You see, we're not alone on this mission! As we speak, there are over a hundred Control agents surrounding this building and closing in! You'll never get away with this!"

Siegfried put his finger on the switch.

"But, it's certainly worth a try," Max said softly.

"Hmm," Siegfried fretted, "Starker, maybe you and Uncle Reggie should go check out their story . . . just in case."

"Right," both men agreed and they took off down the corridor.

"And now, Smart," Siegfried went on, "I bid you farewell; until we meet again, which will be never!"

Max looked beyond him. "Look out, Hymie!" he called.

Siegfried spun around in alarm, and in that split second, Max lunged for the KAOS agent, knocking him away from the button and rendering him unconscious.

Both women ran over to him. "Oh, Max!" 99 sighed, hugging him tightly, "You did it! You saved us! You're so courageous! So brave! So wonderful!"

"I know," he told her, before giving her a long, passionate kiss.

Miranda clung to both of them. "Wow, Max! You really out smarted Siegfried this time!"

He wrapped his arm around the girl. "Well Miri, he made the big mistake of trying to out smart a Smart."

"Well anyhow," Miri went on, tears coming to her eyes, "I just wanted to say how grateful I am to the both of you for keeping your word, at all costs, to rescue and protect me from the evils of KAOS. You're the greatest spies on earth!" And she gave them each a kiss to reintegrate that claim.

"Aw, it was nothing, really," Max told her casually, as he leaned back against the wall. Only, he slipped backwards and bumped into the dreaded cell destroyer switch.

"Max!" 99 cried, yanking him out of the room, just as the entire cell disintegrated on sight, as well as the back of Smart's blazer.

99 and Miranda gasped.

"Hey, dude," Miri stated in concern, "You all right?"

Max looked over his shoulder to see what was left of his jacket. "Missed me by that much!"

XXX

The next day, Max, 99, Miranda, Hymie and Larabee all stood with N.C. in his office, as the new chief placed a medal around the girl's neck. Larabee took pictures, while 99 cried proudly. All of them applauded her bravery.

"Miranda," N.C. announced formally, "In honor of your extreme acts of bravery and quick thinking, I am proud to present you with the official Control Agency Award of Excellence and Honor!"

The girl shook the Chief's hand. "Thank you, sir. This is really an honor for me. And I will wear this medal proudly. It means a lot to me, N.C."

"N.C.?" the Chief asked in confusion.

"Yeah," Miri explained, "N.C. That's what Max and 99 call you."

"We never called him that!" Max exclaimed.

"Sure you do," Miranda informed him, "You and 99 always refer to him as the new chief. I just . . . shortened it a little is all."

"N.C.," the new Chief murmured, "You know, it sort of grows on you. I like it."

"Me, too," Max said.

"Well, my dear," N.C. went on, "I must tell you that we certainly will miss you around here. But there will be a permanent job waiting for you the minute you turn twenty-one."

"Only five and a half years away," she sighed, "I'll be there, sir."

She looked over at the people she had come to know and love in such a short time: Larabee, the silly grin still on his face (displaying his kind disposition). N.C. with his world weary, but authoritative reasoning. He was strong and protective of his brood. Hymie, who was wiping tears from his metallic eyeballs. (Already, rust was beginning to show!) Miranda loved the cybernot immensely. Not only did he have a great intelligence that demanded her respect, but he had an innocence that touched her heart. Then there was . . . 99. That lovely, breathtaking lady had been kinder to her than anyone Miranda had ever known. And she loved the woman like she loved her own mother. And last (but not least) came Max. Miranda had never met anyone quite like him before: klutzy, frustrating, conceited . . . but he also had a heart the size of the Grand Canyon, and he was extremely lovable. She would miss bantering with him. No. She would just miss him.

"Well, guys," Miri said, her voice straining not to cry, "I guess this is goodbye. I need to get back to the orphanage now. And, I will be taking you up on that job offer, N.C. I think it would be cool to be a spy. And . . . if that doesn't work out, then I could always tour the country with Hymie and Larabee in our band!"

99 glanced over at Max. Max nodded at her. "Now, just a minute, young lady," he snapped, "No kid of mine is going to become a loud mouth, stringy haired rock star!"

"Oh, come off it, 86," Miranda retorted, used to their arguing by now, "There is nothing wrong with being a rock star. Well, provided that you don't let all the partying and the fame and the riches go to your head. I mean, you could conceivably lead a productive life, and-" she stopped herself. "Wait a minute. Max, did you just say no kid of mine?"

"And what if I did?" he said, "I'm still not allowing you to become a rock star and that's final! You're going to be a spy- for Control- but first, you have to finish high school and then go to college, after which you'll be placed here."

"Do you realize what you're saying?" the girl asked in disbelief.

"Of course," he told her, with a heartfelt smile, "There's a real future in the spy business, you know!"

99 held up an official looking document- adoption papers- and waved it in front of Miranda's face. The girl looked up hopefully at the woman, who nodded the affirmative. "Oh, 99!" Miri cried, falling into her warm, loving embrace.

"That's Mom to you," 99 scolded her, hugging her tightly.

Max walked over to them and enveloped them both into a great, bear hug.

"Oh, this is heavenly," 99 sighed happily, "We have a family again. And I'm a mother again!"

"And I'm a daughter again!" Miri crowed triumphantly.

"And I'm a father again," Max announced, exuding authority, "And, the first thing I'm going to make you do is grow your hair out. That's no hair cut for a kid of mine to have!"

"But Dad!" Miri protested, "This is the 1990's! A kid has a right to wear her hair however she wants to. It's in the Constitution . . . or was it an amendment?"

"I don't care," he shot back, "You're supposed to go to college in a couple of years, and what good college is going to accept you into the student body looking like that?"

"As long as you paid my tuition on time, I doubt they'd even care, Dad," she informed him, "And besides, maybe I won't go to college! Maybe I'll end up in spy trade school, instead. Or maybe I really will take Larabee and Hymie and head out on the open road of touring!"

"No you won't!" Max pouted.

"Uh, Max," 99 quickly intervened, not wanting her daughter's adoption party to turn into a shouting match, "Why don't you tell her the rest of the good news?"

The arguing stopped and Miranda looked over at her mother. "You mean there's more? Wow, I can't believe that there could be anything more wonderful than this!"

N.C. smiled. "Well, it's not more wonderful, Miri. It's sort of just the icing on the cake, so to speak."

"Really? So, what's my icing, then?"

"Well, Miranda," Max announced, "We not only made you our daughter, but we also made you our spy- eh, I mean a spy- well, more like a junior spy, until you're of age. That means you get to work in the science and research departments as well as the gadget and password divisions . . . provided that you keep up with your school work, of course."

"You mean I'm really an agent?" Miri asked breathlessly.

"A junior agent," Max corrected her.

"Do I get my own agent number, like you guys, Mom and Dad?"

"Certainly you do," N.C. told her, and he handed her a spying license, along with her official Control badge. She read aloud what the license had to say. "Uh, Junior Agent Miranda . . . Smart (sigh!). Agent number 8699.2 1/2. 8699.2 1/2? Jeez, that's an awfully long number. Isn't it?"

"It's just mine and your mother's combined," Max told her.

"Yeah, but am I going to have to walk around Control known as 8699.2 1/2?" she asked incredulously.

"No, darling," 99 cooed, "That's what the .2 1/2 is for."

"Mom," she freaked, "You're not serious!"

99 smiled, relishing being called mom again.

"What's wrong with the number, 2 1/2?" Max asked, egging her on.

"I don't like it," Miranda complained frankly, "It makes me sound like a shrimp!"

"You are a shrimp," Max informed her with a smirk, "Why else do you think that you're a junior agent?"

"Very funny, Dad," she countered, "But if being short made a person a junior agent, then your badge would say so, too!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

N.C., Hymie and Larabee looked on, as 99 put an arm around each family member and pulled them close, watching them argue with an affectionate eye. "My family," she murmured, "I'm so proud!"

XXX

A wise man once said: Life isn't wonderful, but it's getting there!

THE END!

Written by Lisa M. Johns Copyright May/1991

Notes:

Because most of these stories were written four years before the GS revival series in 1995, I did not know that they would turn Max into the Chief. I had briefly entertained that notion myself, but felt Max was a funnier Max when he was still just an agent. Therefore, the need arose to create a "new chief", as the original Chief (who was portrayed on the original series by the late great Edward Platt) had died. At least, I always thought of him that way, because the actor who so wonderfully portrayed him had passed away. What possessed me to choose the former Agent 13 as the new chief, I couldn't rightly say. I admit that, he has lost a lot of the old 13's traits, and behaves much like the original chief did on the show. But I figured that any one who is forced to deal with Maxwell Smart on a daily basis, would, invariably become crabby and develop a lot of headaches. But he also serves as a sort of a protective figure in the lives of Max and 99.

In the early 1990's pop and pop rap ruled the charts. The song "Hangin' Tough" comes from the 1989 album of the same name, by pop singing sensations New Kids On The Block. The MC Hammer songs were taken from his album (either 1989 or 1990; not sure) "Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em".

Max makes a reference to "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" which is actually a Beatles tune (written by Paul) about a young serial killer, named Maxwell, who beats people over the head with his silver hammer. It appears on the "Abbey Road" album (circa 1969).

Oompa Loompas were the funny little orange guys in the movie "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory" (1971). Never Neverland, of course, refers to the magical land where Peter Pan and Tinker bell live, and children never grow up.

References to the child prodigy Dr. T. was actually taken from a 3rd season episode, entitled, "The Mysterious Dr. T."

Before Barbara Feldon played 99 on "Get Smart" she did a guest stint on another famous spy TV show called "The Man From U.N.C.L.E." The reference to the series was simply an in joke, as was the mention of "Inspector Gadget" a cartoon from the 1980's that was voiced by Don Adams.

The character of Miranda "Miri" Smart was based, in part, on myself. Her physical characteristics and some of her mannerisms were inspired by me. The nickname of "Miri" was also the title of a "Star Trek" episode (original series), although, when I wrote the character, I was unaware of it at the time. Just a freaky coincidence.

Miranda refers to Max and 99 as "Heckell and Jeckell". Heckell and Jeckell were black birds, characters from an old cartoon show, which I can't remember the name of. They were kind of nutty.

Siegfried mentions several cases in which Max and 99 ruined for them: When they switched his brother Helmut for him at KAOS. That happened in the 1989 TV movie "Get Smart, Again!" When they stopped Siegfried from destroying potatoes happened in a 4th season episode entitled "Snoopy Smart vs. the Red Baron". The submarine incident happened in the 2nd season episode "Rub A Dub Dub, Three Spies in a Sub". Schwartz's Island refers to a 4th season episode of the same name.

Max and 99's twins, at this time, had only been seen a few times in the 5th season, and mentioned once in the TV reunion movie "Get Smart, Again!" This happened before GS 95, and I was at a loss of what to say about them. I didn't feel comfortable creating their characters in the story, so I had to have a reason why they wouldn't be there. At first, I had them joining up with KAOS, but thought that maybe that would be a bit too much for GS fans to handle. After all, there's no way that America's favorite spies would give birth to and raise traitors. So, I chickened out and had them working for the CIA instead.

The reference to "Pollyanna": It had been a story, and later became a movie about a plucky little orphan who came to live with her wealthy aunt, and gave the grumpy town a reason to be glad.

The movie (late 1950's, early 1960's) starred Haley Mills as Pollyanna.

CASTING ALERT: The character of Wendenberg, the stud muffin, was written with actor Arnold Schwartzenegger in mind.

Both Harrison Ford and Sigourney Weaver are mentioned in this story. They are my favorite movie actor and actress of all time!

The mention of gollywoggles is a joke that came from 2 GS original episodes (both from the 3rd season) entitled, "Witness For the Persecution" and "The Wax Max". No one is quite sure what they are (maybe goblins, monsters or some other unholy creature) but Max seems to be deathly afraid of them.

The reference to Bart Simpson being in "Deep, Deep Trouble" was actually the name of a song that was performed by Bart (voiced by Nancy Cartwright) in an early "Simpsons" episode (most likely 1990 or 1991).

When 99 observes Miranda, Hymie and Larabee's outlandish costumes for their musical number, she likens them to members of the Desi Arnaz band. Desi Arnaz, of course, was one half of the fun loving couple from "I Love Lucy" TV show (which debuted in the early 1950's, I believe), in which he portrayed a Cuban bandleader at a nightclub. He and his band were sometimes seen in similar type costumes.

The late Andre the Giant was a man of great height and frame. A former wrestler, he also played in several TV shows and films, most notably "The Princess Bride" (late 1980's, I believe).

The song "Just One Look" came out in 1960 (approximately) and was sung by Doris Troy.

99's loving memory of her and Max's first kiss is entirely fiction on my part. Their real first kiss on the show transpired in the episode "Our Man in Leotards" from the first season. But the fact that both had been rendered unconscious by the drug imobilo and since there was NO romantic songs playing, I had to step away from the series and branch out on my own. I envisioned their first kiss happening BEFORE "Our Man in Leotards" occurred.

The mention of 99's memoirs comes from the TV reunion movie "Get Smart, Again!" (1989). In the story, 99 was writing a book about her life as a spy entitled "Out of Control" by the world's most glamorous spy. Since it ended up being still classified information, and once in the hands of KAOS, almost got the free world enslaved, I can imagine that the reactivated Control would keep her manuscript on file at headquarters, away from the public eye, but within reach for quick reference to any past case.

Miranda jokingly calls Max "Miss Hannigan" after he teases her about being "Little Orphan Annie". Miss Hannigan is the mean woman who ran the orphanage where Little Orphan Annie resided.

The mention of GROPO, a killer KAOS robot was taken from a 3rd season episode entitled "When Good Fellows Get Together", which had a killer robot chasing down Hymie to destroy him.