"Screen off!", said Clara.
As the screen went blank, she looked at the Neural Block she held in her hand. What was she going to do now? Hide it? Destroy it? How?
Then a new thought occurred to her. Clara hurriedly popped the sonic glasses on and pressed the button on the side while staring at the Neural Block. As the sonic buzzed, Clara hoped she was actually doing what she meant to considering how rushed everything was.
Just then the Tardis doors began to open, breaking her train of thought. Quickly she put both the block and the glasses back on the console.
The Doctor entered the console room. He frowned at Clara, he could tell something was off. She was clearly flustered.
"You okay?", asked the Doctor.
"Yes. Yes, of course." Clara blurted,"just, you know, my pulse..."
"We'll fix that. Somehow, I promise." Said the Doctor. Behind the Doctor, Ashildr waked in. "You remember Ashildr, of course."
"Yeah, sure." Replied Clara.
The Doctor glanced at Clara appraisingly. "Thought you'd be more surprised to see her."
Clara said, "I was watching." Pointing at the monitor, "On the monitor."
The Doctor was surprised, and abit confused. "You were watching?"
"I couldn't hear anything." Clara said defensively.
"Doctor," admonished Ashildr, "you have to tell her."
The Doctor became silent, its obvious he doesn't truly reluctant to discuss anything especially that.
"Tell me what?" Asked Clara.
"I'll tell her, of course, said The Doctor.
"Doctor..." said Ashildr.
The Doctor reached for the Neural Block, he seems resigned to whatever course of action he had decided upon.
"Doctor, no, don't-", protested Clara,"Whatever you're going to do, don't do it!"
The Doctor tried to reassure Clara, even if he didn't feel quite himself. "It won't hurt, it'll be nothing. You'll just pass out for a moment."
"And then?" Asked Clara dreading the answer.
"You'll wake up," The Doctor said trying to be casual despite feeling anything but. He wasn't just losing Clara..again but he was about to erase all of her memories of him, of everything they had been through. To Clara, it would be as if they never happened. It was like Donna all over again.
"But?", pressed Clara. She always did right see through him.
"Clara, please," implored The Doctor,"Just let me-"
"Say it!", demanded Clara, "Tell me!"
"When you wake up, you'll have forgotten me.", said The Doctor, resigned to enduring the very thing he dreaded happening. "You'll have forgotten we ever even met."
Clara couldn't believe what she was hearing. First, The Doctor had saved her just before she was meant to die, even shot a fellow Timelord and stole a Tardis. Now after all that, he wants to erase her memories. To take way everything they had experienced together, all those highs and even the lows. "And why would I even want that?"
"It's the only way. That stuff in your head," said The Doctor, "the image of me, they could use to find you-"
"I used these", said Clara, snatching the sonic glasses from the console and holding them up to the Doctor.
The Doctor had a bad feeling about the answer, but curious just the same. "On what?", he asked.
"On that.", Clara stated, indicating the Neural Block in the Doctor's hand.
"What did you do?" The Doctor asked, morbidly intrigued.
"Ashildr's right.," declared Clara, "We're too much alike."
"What did you do!", demanded the Doctor.
"What else? I reversed the polarity," stated Clara, indicating the block."Push that button, it will go off in your face."
"You were trying to trick me?", The Doctor said, startled and surprised by the turn of events unfolding before him.
Clara couldn't believe it. Was the Doctor actually being serious right now? Really? "What were you trying to do to me?
"Keep you safe." The Doctor knew she was angry and hurt. She deserved to be, should be, but there was no other way that he could think of to protect her. He couldn't let the Timelords find her and send her back to her death. So may times he has lost so many and could nothing. Not this time, not with Clara!
"Why,"asked Clara,"I've never asked for that,nobody's ever safe. Tomorrow is promised to no-one - but I insist upon my past! I am entitled to that!"
Clara's words impacted him more than he thought they would. He saw the same look in Clara's eyes as he did in Donna's- fear, indignation, sorrow. It broke his hearts to see it, to know that once again he was responsible for instilling those feelings into a friend, a good one. The Doctor let out a weary sigh..the time had come. A decision had to be made. But as they have reached an impasse, there was only one thing to do now.
"Clara. Oh Clara Oswald," said The Doctor resignedly,"What am I doing? You are right. You are always, always right."
Clara, confused and bewildered yet also uncertain as to what was exactly about to happen. "S. What now? What are you going to do with that thing?"
The Doctor took a breath to steady himself, a sad smile flashed briefly upon his face, he was almost himself again. The Doctor as Clara knew him to be. He looked at the Neural Block glasped in his hand, weighing it as he tried to weigh the options before him. His mind desperately trying to find a course of action despite already knowing. He holds it upto his ear, shaking it. Perhaps Clara could reverse the polarity of the Neural Block, she was always was so clever. Thing is if it wasn't calibrated just right, it could kill Clara with an embolism or cause him to undergo an involuntary regeneration. Such a tricky thing was the mind, especially Gallifreyian ones.
"You know, I'm not sure if you managed to reverse the polarity," said the Doctor, almost to himself as if he were voicing his thoughts." I'm not even sure if you can. But it'll do something to one of us." Is it truly worth it the risk? Yes..he would risk regenerating if it meant saving her. His Impossible Girl. The brave girl who had leapt into his time stream to save him, to save the universe. Who bravely went to her death before the Raven. Oh yes, for her..he would risk so much, have already done so..have gone so far, endured so much. Just for this..just to see her again.
Having decided upon his path, praying that it was he and he alone who paid the price for it, the Doctor held the block out to Clara, inviting her to put her hand on it too. It was time to take a gamble as to which of their memories will be wiped; as the neural block was programmed to wipe out Clara's memories of the Doctor, if it's used on him, his memories of Clara will be wiped. Attempting to be flippantly casual, he continued.."And it's better than flipping a coin."
"... Doctor?", asked Clara tentatively.
"You and me together.", said the Doctor softly, "Look how far I went , for fear of losing you. This has to stop. One of us has to go."
Clara looked down at the block the Doctor was extending towards her. "You really don't know...which of us ..."
Resigned to what was to come..either way, the Doctor replied "Let's find out. Let's do it like we've done everything else. Together."
A terrible moment-one that felt like an eternity but was as brief as the blinking of an eye. Then Clara put her hand to the block, now both of them had their thumbs on the buttons. It was so surreal like some kind of game...only there wouldn't truly be any winners. Not this time..Clara raises her eyes to meet his. Maybe there could be winners, they've always managed to get out of the tightest situations together. They've survived Daleks, Zygons, even Missy!
"How about we just don't?, suggested Clara." Why don't we just fly away somewhere?"
The Doctor laughed weakly. Oh if they could..just run away. Leave it all behind, but the time had come. Time for a reckoning, a change. "Wouldn't that be great?"
"God, yeah", said Clara. Right now, she could wish for nothing else but that. To be as they were, just traveling..having fun. Yet she knew those times were coming to an end and it broke her heart.
They each hold an end of the neural block, smiling at each other for the last time.
"Good luck, Clara."
"Good luck, Doctor."
And with that, one last act together..as a team, the Doctor and Clara pressed the button. A brief bleeping sound emanated from the device, and then nothing. They just stood there, staring at each other. Neither one knowing what exactly to expect.
"What happens now?", asked Clara.
"We wait abit," The Doctor said, not quite sure really. Was it supposed to happen quickly, delayed..no idea now.
"So one of us...", inquired Clara sadly,"One of us is about to-" She couldn't do it, she couldn't voice it aloud.
"Yes", replied the Doctor. He felt fine, the Doctor maybe Clara failed. Maybe just maybe they could just get past this..maybe there was some other way.
Clara could believe it. Whether she forgot or the Doctor did..it was over. Their adventures, it was so special and everything she had come to love..something she so wanted to hold onto desperately but could feel it slipping away. She thought bit would go on forever, but soon it would be over. The thought of that, of losing the Doctor, even memories of him broke her heart and she could feel her yes filling with tears because there was nothing that could be done to stop it. "I don't think I could ever forget you."
The Doctor went to respond but something was happening. He could feel it. A dull throbbing in his head, coupled with a growing weariness. It was familiar yet different. Change..change was coming. The Doctor flashed Clara the saddest smile ever.
"Clara," said The Doctor sadly,"I don't think you're ever going to have to."
The Doctor suddenly felt drowsy; Clara DID reverse the polarity. His legs began to buckle. Staggering against the console, he braced himself as he felt like he was about to pass out. The Neural Block slipped from his nerveless fingers, clattering to the floor. Glancing down he could see the faint golden glow on his hands, it was beginning. Yes..Change was indeed coming. Just not the one either of them had truly expected.
"Doctor!", exclaimed Clara as she grabbed him, apologising. "Oh God, please, I'm sorry. Doctor!"
"Run like hell!", declared The Doctor, his eyes locked onto her, sudden and piercing! His voice a warning..she had to run, flee as he once did so long ago. She had to be safe..he would endure this just for that. It was right, it was just. Clara had saved him, helped to give him a second chance when he should have died on Trenzalore. She gave him new life, and he would give up this one for her.
"... what?", asked Clara.
The Doctor kept himself focused on Clara as he continued,
"Run like hell,because you always need to. Laugh at everything, because it's always funny."
Now Clara was worried and panicked. Was he dying? What was happening..what had she done? "No. You're saying goodbye, please stop it."
But the Doctor was determined to finish what he had to said, racing against time before he no longer could. So much to say, so much yet never enough time. She had to know...advice given, goodbyes said. Hate goodbyes. "Never be cruel and never be cowardly, and if you ever are, always make amends-"
"Stop it!', exclaimed Clara, unable to bear hearing what was essentially the Doctor's goodbye to her.
"Never eat pears. They're too squishy, and they always make your chin wet. That one's quite important, write it down" The Doctor was slumped over, practically on the floor now. He was so weary now, drained. It was taking all of his strength to hold off the regenerative process. He wasn't quite ready to go yet.
While Clara helped The Doctor down as he collapsed to the floor, her thoughts were racing. Something was definitely wrong with the Doctor. She had no idea what to do to help, but felt so horrible, she hadn't want this. Now it had come to this. "I didn't mean to do this.
I just didn't want you to do it to me."
The Doctor could feel it now. The moment was rapidly approaching, and then He would be gone as well as memories of Clara. His dear, sweet Clara Oswald. His Impossible Girl. The one for whom he had endured so much..billions of simulated years in that dial, facing down Rassilon, shooting the General, interfering with Time to save Clara before she was supposed to die, escaped to end of the universe in a stolen Tardis. All to save her, to have her back again, and now he was going to not just lose her but even his memories of her. What a high price to pay indeed but one he would gladly pay if it meant she was safe from the Timelords.
"It's okay", said the Doctor weakly,"I went too far. Broke all my rules - became the Hybrid. This is right. I accept this."
"There must be something I can do." The Doctor looked so weak now, she could see the faint glow of regenerative energy spreading from his hands. He was changing, he would soon be a new man..a man without memories of her, of them..everything she was so desperate to prevent happening to her was happening to him but worse. Thanks to hers. She felt the tears beginning to fall.
"Smile for me," begged the Doctor, staring up at her face intensely as if desperately trying to memorize it one last time despite what was to come. "Go on, Clara Oswald - give me that smile, one last time."
Tear-streaked and horrified, Clara couldn't believe it despite it all he could still be so wonderfully impossible. It only broker her heart more."I can't. How could I smile?"
"It's okay", said The Doctor calmly. "Don't worry. I can remember it-" the last part of what the Doctor said came out as a whisper before he slumped to the floor. His eyes fluttering shut..
For a moment, the Doctor was nowhere, no-time, suspended in limbo. Then reality split, fragmented, shattered like glass into a thousand pieces, thousands of choices. Somehow amongst them all the Doctor once more chose survival...
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