Behold! It's another strange fic by me! No sir, I am not ashamed to admit it - this is so stupid that it's wrong! In fact, it's stupid AND wrong!
Pretty random silliness, to be honest, but I'm sure you can handle it if you eat a cat once a day.
RYO AND NOZOMI, SITTING IN A TREE
The day was just as beautiful as Oprah Winfrey isn't. Ryo Hazuki was walking through the park along with his friend Nozomi Harasaki. Suddenly, Ryo spotted a tree.
"Hmm," he said to himself, "I wonder if that tree's hiding something. It looks suspicious. I'm gonna check it out!"
Nozomi was afraid of being abandoned. "Ryo!" she yelled after him. "Don't do anything stupid! Please?"
"I won't!" Ryo yelled back while running. When he got closer to the tree, he saw that he could easily climb it.
"Ryo, what are you thinking?" Nozomi yelled.
"Come here, you stupid lady, and I'll tell you!" Ryo yelled back.
Suddenly, a nearby door opened. This is meant to be really scary, because you can't see the person opening the door. For all you know, it might even be that hog Lan Di! "What are you two yelling about?" the scary voice hissed. "Some of us are trying to sleep!"
"Do you sleep at noon?" Ryo asked.
"Did I say that I'm the one who needs sleep? No, I'm talking about my pet vampire!"
"Oh. I beg your pardon then."
"Just don't make any more of that dreadful noise, and we'll be fine, thank you."
"We will," Ryo said. "Now, back to the tree. Oh, there it is. Hello, tree."
"Can't talk to ya, I'm in a hurry. Ask someone else, will you?" the tree responded.
"Not again! I just want to climb you!" Ryo cried.
"That sounds painful," the tree replied.
"Well, no," Ryo said firmly.
"Okay then, but first you're going to have to run around the town in various minor errands with seemingly no purpose at all."
Ryo sighed. "Like what?"
"Like, for instance, finding a guy named Charlie."
"Why must I find a guy named Charlie?" Ryo asked, confused. "What will I do when I meet him?"
"Don't worry," the tree said, "you won't find him."
"Then why should I look for him?"
"Because it leads you onto other things, that will eventually lead you back to me, so that you can climb me."
"Why can't I just climb you right now?"
"Because it's part of the game!"
"I see."
So Ryo ran around the world and searched for guys named Charlie, Steven, Ling, Vladimir, Sven, Heinz and Carlos and searched for various mirrors such as the Seagull Mirror and the Lion Mirror, killed all the Lan Dis he could find and ate an entire box of crayons because it looked so good. Then he came back home.
"I've done it all now," he said to the tree. "Now, can I climb you?"
"Uh, yes, you can climb me now if you want to."
"May Nozomi climb you too?"
"Yes, she may."
Ryo jumped in joy. "Yay! Nozomi, come here!"
"Okay," she responded and they both climbed the tree.
When they were up in the tree, they could see all the way down to the ground! It was amazing! So anyway, they started talking. Nozomi went first.
"Ryo, I have a confession to make," she said and blushed.
"What is it?" Ryo asked.
"Well, I'm... uh... I... I don't know how to say this, but..."
"Yes?"
Oh, and by the way, the romance really hung in the air. Just so you know.
"I... uh... Gee, this is hard... I've been thinking about this for so long, and..."
"Tell me more about the Phoenix Mirror."
"The what?"
"Oh, sorry. Nothing. Go on with the confession now, dear Nozomi."
"Okay. I... uhm... I... I... I guess I... I guess it's..."
Ryo placed his hand on Nozomi's shoulder. "You can tell me, I'm a doctor," he said.
"No, you're not," she said. "But anyway... anyway...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...it's twelve o'clock! Sorry, I have just been dying to tell you this! But promise not to tell anyone, okay?"
"I won't," Ryo said. "I should go home."
"Bye, Ryo," Nozomi said.
"Bye."
Ryo ran back to his house before it was 12:01 AM. Fuku-san was in the dojo, practicing his fighting moves when Ryo approached him.
"Hi, Ryo!" Fuku-san said. "You're just in time for the twelve o'clock training!"
"Twelve o'clock?" Ryo said. "Who told you it's twelve o'clock!"
"Um, I know that it's twelve o'clock. I don't need anyone to tell me that."
"Have you been spying on me and Nozomi?! Why, you!!" Ryo said and lunged towards poor little Fuku-san. "Take this! And this!"
Just then, Nozomi entered the dojo. "Ryo! Ryo!" she yelled. "I just found out--Why are you punching your brother?"
"I, uh... he knows our secret! He's been spying on us!"
"No, Ryo, it's okay! Come out here, and I'll tell you why!"
"Okay, Nozomi, but I'll be back later to kick your ass, Fuku-san!" Ryo said and left the dojo.
"I just found out that it's not really twelve o'clock, but it's 12:01 AM! I was wrong, I'm so sorry!" she said and started crying her eyes out. "Now if you excuse me, I have to go to the park now. I must prepare for my kidnapping later in this game."
"I see," Ryo said. "Fuku-san, I guess I owe you an apology."
"You're damn right you do!" Fuku-san said.
"Here, have some sliced tuna."
"Hoo-ray!"
"Nice brother."
Ryo went into the house. Ine-san awaited him there. "Hello, Ryo," she said. "I'm stupid."
"Yes, you are."
"Okay," Ine-san said and moved onto other topics. "So I heard you're going to Hong Kong. Is it true? Is it true? Is it true? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it, well, is it? Tell me, tell me, tell me! Is it true?"
"Yes, but only in the end of the game, so we've got plenty of time to chat."
"Okay, shall we use MSN?"
"No, dude, MSN sux!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 thats like totally for lamers and shit!!!!?????????"
"Okay, whatever you say."
And so they left in opposite directions. Ryo headed for his room, where he... oh my God! Chai was in there! Now, think of that haunting, creepy background music that usually plays whenever Chai is around in the game. Yeah, that one.
"Hellooo, Ryoooo!" Chai hissed. "There will be no Hong Kong for you!"
"You!"
Chai jumped around in the room. "Is it just me, or am I the funniest character in this universe?"
"Ask someone else, please. I'm in a hurry. HA! For once, I am the one who's in a hurry!"
Chai made some funny noises. "So, I hear you're fond of that Nozomi girl, eh? Well, not for long, hahahahaha! Lan Di-sama will be pleased!"
"No, he won't."
Chai punched Ryo in the face! Yeah, like, totally!
"Aaaaaaiiiiieeeeeee!" Ryo screamed in agony. "Why did you do that?"
"Lan Di-sama told me to! Haha! Now I'm taking your Phoenix Mirror!"
Ryo laughed. "That's not the Phoenix Mirror, that's just an ordinary mirror!"
"Gaaah! No! I'm out!" Chai yelled and jumped out through the window, still with the mirror in his hands.
"Well, there goes my million hours of narcissism," Ryo said and left his room. In the hallway, he took out his notebook and wrote:
"Chai stole my mirror.
This time, I've had it
with recovering stuff.
I am going to see that
Tom dude instead."
Ryo flew all the way down to the hot dog stand, where Tom was dancing a dance, funkay as hell. "Ey Ryo! How's it hangin', man? Want some hot dogs?"
"Yes, I'll buy every goddamn hot dog you've got," Ryo said for a change.
"Hoo-ray!" Tom exclaimed. "Here it is."
"Wha-what? Only one hot dog?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't want it," Ryo said and shook his head.
"It's all we've got."
"I know."
"If something doesn't happen soon, the readers are going to lose interest."
"What readers?"
"You're right."
"Hey, back to the plot!"
"What plot?"
"Shut up."
So all of a sudden a big hot dog stand came out of the sky and hit Tom's hot dog stand.
"Oh no, not the hot dog stand!" Tom screamed in terror. "Nooo! God save us all!"
Ryo put his hand on Tom's shoulder. "Tom, you've got a brand new hot dog stand standing right here, don't worry."
"Yes, but it's not MY hot dog stand!" Tom cried. "See, I can't live without the funkay colors of my old hot dog stand! The old one was neat and awesome, this one is just stupid."
Suddenly, it started raining umbrellas and people started protecting themselves with rain. Those who didn't have a rain of their own, went to the rainshop to buy one.
When the umbrella storm was over, Tom was shocked. "Oh no! My only hot dog is covered with umbrellas! You can't eat it anymore!"
"Well, that's life. Let's end this worthless piece of fiction before it gets too stupid."
"Yeah, let's do that over a cup of tea."
"Make that a funkay one."
BUT. Just as the fic was about to end, the ground trembled in that infamous way. "Yuuuuaaaaaawwwwwww!" a voice was heard. "Where is the boy?"
Out from the corner came Dou Niu, you know, that fat sumo wrestler dinosaur dude from Shenmue II. He was apparently looking for a brawl. "You! I am going to crush you!"
"Oh, no! It's Dou Niu!" Ryo exclaimed.
"Who's that?" Tom asked.
"Imagine the most hideous creature ever," Ryo said.
"Oh. But why?"
"It's fun. Dou Niu, you do it too."
"Huh?" Dou Niu said. "Oh well, I'll just think of my brother. Boy, is HE an ugly one! Haha! Yes, I know that next to the sexiness that is me, anyone will look unattractive, but still, he is not nice to look at! Har, har! Gimme a hot dog!"
"Here, it's on the house," Tom said with a smile.
"What house?" Ryo asked.
"Ya mama's house," came the reply.
"Oh. I should go home and tell that to Ine-san."
"Go ahead," Dou Niu said. "Bye, bye."
THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! AND SO ON.
RRRR...RRRR....RRRR....RRRR....RRRR....RRRR....I've got bugs in my room.
Pretty random silliness, to be honest, but I'm sure you can handle it if you eat a cat once a day.
RYO AND NOZOMI, SITTING IN A TREE
The day was just as beautiful as Oprah Winfrey isn't. Ryo Hazuki was walking through the park along with his friend Nozomi Harasaki. Suddenly, Ryo spotted a tree.
"Hmm," he said to himself, "I wonder if that tree's hiding something. It looks suspicious. I'm gonna check it out!"
Nozomi was afraid of being abandoned. "Ryo!" she yelled after him. "Don't do anything stupid! Please?"
"I won't!" Ryo yelled back while running. When he got closer to the tree, he saw that he could easily climb it.
"Ryo, what are you thinking?" Nozomi yelled.
"Come here, you stupid lady, and I'll tell you!" Ryo yelled back.
Suddenly, a nearby door opened. This is meant to be really scary, because you can't see the person opening the door. For all you know, it might even be that hog Lan Di! "What are you two yelling about?" the scary voice hissed. "Some of us are trying to sleep!"
"Do you sleep at noon?" Ryo asked.
"Did I say that I'm the one who needs sleep? No, I'm talking about my pet vampire!"
"Oh. I beg your pardon then."
"Just don't make any more of that dreadful noise, and we'll be fine, thank you."
"We will," Ryo said. "Now, back to the tree. Oh, there it is. Hello, tree."
"Can't talk to ya, I'm in a hurry. Ask someone else, will you?" the tree responded.
"Not again! I just want to climb you!" Ryo cried.
"That sounds painful," the tree replied.
"Well, no," Ryo said firmly.
"Okay then, but first you're going to have to run around the town in various minor errands with seemingly no purpose at all."
Ryo sighed. "Like what?"
"Like, for instance, finding a guy named Charlie."
"Why must I find a guy named Charlie?" Ryo asked, confused. "What will I do when I meet him?"
"Don't worry," the tree said, "you won't find him."
"Then why should I look for him?"
"Because it leads you onto other things, that will eventually lead you back to me, so that you can climb me."
"Why can't I just climb you right now?"
"Because it's part of the game!"
"I see."
So Ryo ran around the world and searched for guys named Charlie, Steven, Ling, Vladimir, Sven, Heinz and Carlos and searched for various mirrors such as the Seagull Mirror and the Lion Mirror, killed all the Lan Dis he could find and ate an entire box of crayons because it looked so good. Then he came back home.
"I've done it all now," he said to the tree. "Now, can I climb you?"
"Uh, yes, you can climb me now if you want to."
"May Nozomi climb you too?"
"Yes, she may."
Ryo jumped in joy. "Yay! Nozomi, come here!"
"Okay," she responded and they both climbed the tree.
When they were up in the tree, they could see all the way down to the ground! It was amazing! So anyway, they started talking. Nozomi went first.
"Ryo, I have a confession to make," she said and blushed.
"What is it?" Ryo asked.
"Well, I'm... uh... I... I don't know how to say this, but..."
"Yes?"
Oh, and by the way, the romance really hung in the air. Just so you know.
"I... uh... Gee, this is hard... I've been thinking about this for so long, and..."
"Tell me more about the Phoenix Mirror."
"The what?"
"Oh, sorry. Nothing. Go on with the confession now, dear Nozomi."
"Okay. I... uhm... I... I... I guess I... I guess it's..."
Ryo placed his hand on Nozomi's shoulder. "You can tell me, I'm a doctor," he said.
"No, you're not," she said. "But anyway... anyway...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...it's twelve o'clock! Sorry, I have just been dying to tell you this! But promise not to tell anyone, okay?"
"I won't," Ryo said. "I should go home."
"Bye, Ryo," Nozomi said.
"Bye."
Ryo ran back to his house before it was 12:01 AM. Fuku-san was in the dojo, practicing his fighting moves when Ryo approached him.
"Hi, Ryo!" Fuku-san said. "You're just in time for the twelve o'clock training!"
"Twelve o'clock?" Ryo said. "Who told you it's twelve o'clock!"
"Um, I know that it's twelve o'clock. I don't need anyone to tell me that."
"Have you been spying on me and Nozomi?! Why, you!!" Ryo said and lunged towards poor little Fuku-san. "Take this! And this!"
Just then, Nozomi entered the dojo. "Ryo! Ryo!" she yelled. "I just found out--Why are you punching your brother?"
"I, uh... he knows our secret! He's been spying on us!"
"No, Ryo, it's okay! Come out here, and I'll tell you why!"
"Okay, Nozomi, but I'll be back later to kick your ass, Fuku-san!" Ryo said and left the dojo.
"I just found out that it's not really twelve o'clock, but it's 12:01 AM! I was wrong, I'm so sorry!" she said and started crying her eyes out. "Now if you excuse me, I have to go to the park now. I must prepare for my kidnapping later in this game."
"I see," Ryo said. "Fuku-san, I guess I owe you an apology."
"You're damn right you do!" Fuku-san said.
"Here, have some sliced tuna."
"Hoo-ray!"
"Nice brother."
Ryo went into the house. Ine-san awaited him there. "Hello, Ryo," she said. "I'm stupid."
"Yes, you are."
"Okay," Ine-san said and moved onto other topics. "So I heard you're going to Hong Kong. Is it true? Is it true? Is it true? Is it? Is it? Is it? Is it, well, is it? Tell me, tell me, tell me! Is it true?"
"Yes, but only in the end of the game, so we've got plenty of time to chat."
"Okay, shall we use MSN?"
"No, dude, MSN sux!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111 thats like totally for lamers and shit!!!!?????????"
"Okay, whatever you say."
And so they left in opposite directions. Ryo headed for his room, where he... oh my God! Chai was in there! Now, think of that haunting, creepy background music that usually plays whenever Chai is around in the game. Yeah, that one.
"Hellooo, Ryoooo!" Chai hissed. "There will be no Hong Kong for you!"
"You!"
Chai jumped around in the room. "Is it just me, or am I the funniest character in this universe?"
"Ask someone else, please. I'm in a hurry. HA! For once, I am the one who's in a hurry!"
Chai made some funny noises. "So, I hear you're fond of that Nozomi girl, eh? Well, not for long, hahahahaha! Lan Di-sama will be pleased!"
"No, he won't."
Chai punched Ryo in the face! Yeah, like, totally!
"Aaaaaaiiiiieeeeeee!" Ryo screamed in agony. "Why did you do that?"
"Lan Di-sama told me to! Haha! Now I'm taking your Phoenix Mirror!"
Ryo laughed. "That's not the Phoenix Mirror, that's just an ordinary mirror!"
"Gaaah! No! I'm out!" Chai yelled and jumped out through the window, still with the mirror in his hands.
"Well, there goes my million hours of narcissism," Ryo said and left his room. In the hallway, he took out his notebook and wrote:
"Chai stole my mirror.
This time, I've had it
with recovering stuff.
I am going to see that
Tom dude instead."
Ryo flew all the way down to the hot dog stand, where Tom was dancing a dance, funkay as hell. "Ey Ryo! How's it hangin', man? Want some hot dogs?"
"Yes, I'll buy every goddamn hot dog you've got," Ryo said for a change.
"Hoo-ray!" Tom exclaimed. "Here it is."
"Wha-what? Only one hot dog?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't want it," Ryo said and shook his head.
"It's all we've got."
"I know."
"If something doesn't happen soon, the readers are going to lose interest."
"What readers?"
"You're right."
"Hey, back to the plot!"
"What plot?"
"Shut up."
So all of a sudden a big hot dog stand came out of the sky and hit Tom's hot dog stand.
"Oh no, not the hot dog stand!" Tom screamed in terror. "Nooo! God save us all!"
Ryo put his hand on Tom's shoulder. "Tom, you've got a brand new hot dog stand standing right here, don't worry."
"Yes, but it's not MY hot dog stand!" Tom cried. "See, I can't live without the funkay colors of my old hot dog stand! The old one was neat and awesome, this one is just stupid."
Suddenly, it started raining umbrellas and people started protecting themselves with rain. Those who didn't have a rain of their own, went to the rainshop to buy one.
When the umbrella storm was over, Tom was shocked. "Oh no! My only hot dog is covered with umbrellas! You can't eat it anymore!"
"Well, that's life. Let's end this worthless piece of fiction before it gets too stupid."
"Yeah, let's do that over a cup of tea."
"Make that a funkay one."
BUT. Just as the fic was about to end, the ground trembled in that infamous way. "Yuuuuaaaaaawwwwwww!" a voice was heard. "Where is the boy?"
Out from the corner came Dou Niu, you know, that fat sumo wrestler dinosaur dude from Shenmue II. He was apparently looking for a brawl. "You! I am going to crush you!"
"Oh, no! It's Dou Niu!" Ryo exclaimed.
"Who's that?" Tom asked.
"Imagine the most hideous creature ever," Ryo said.
"Oh. But why?"
"It's fun. Dou Niu, you do it too."
"Huh?" Dou Niu said. "Oh well, I'll just think of my brother. Boy, is HE an ugly one! Haha! Yes, I know that next to the sexiness that is me, anyone will look unattractive, but still, he is not nice to look at! Har, har! Gimme a hot dog!"
"Here, it's on the house," Tom said with a smile.
"What house?" Ryo asked.
"Ya mama's house," came the reply.
"Oh. I should go home and tell that to Ine-san."
"Go ahead," Dou Niu said. "Bye, bye."
THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! THE END! AND SO ON.
RRRR...RRRR....RRRR....RRRR....RRRR....RRRR....I've got bugs in my room.