Quick history of this fic: Yes, you are having déjà vu. You may have read this before. This is a reposting of a story that I had posted a few years ago.
Author and "Christian" fanfiction dot net member JillRG reported this story for only being rated G. Of course she didn't actually READ the story, she just jumped to conclusions, reported it, and the story was deleted, along with all the wonderful reviews.
The fanfiction dot net admins were their usual helpful selves, and ignored all my requests to read the story themselves, so they would see that G was a suitable rating.
So, to keep that spiteful cow, Jill, "happy," I have to rate it PG. Happy Jill? Petty middle-aged bint...
And on to to the fic!
SNAPE'S FIRST TIME
"Are you ready, Severus?"
"Ahh, Remus...I...I don't know. "
"You look awfully nervous. We can put this off if you want. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"It's just so..."
"Strange?"
"...Alien... Uncharted territory. "
"I understand. I'm sorry, I just thought it was something you might enjoy. Forget I asked."
"No! No, Remus, I want to try it. Honestly. It's something I've been curious about for ages now."
"Really? You're not just saying that to make me happy?"
"When have I ever said ANYTHING just to make ANYONE 'happy'? This is something that I NEED to try. I don't feel like...like a..."
"Like a normal man?"
"Exactly! Most men do it all the time. I shouldn't find it so terrifying."
"Other men do it with women, though."
"Ugh, don't bring that up, OK? I feel odd enough as it is. Minerva wanted me to do it with her once last Christmas, and I broke out in a cold sweat. I was nearly paralyzed with fear. It was a disaster; I'm amazed she ever spoke to me again. That's not normal."
"No, clearly not. Is there some childhood trauma that you're associating with it, maybe? "
"Well my father was very...well, you know how he was. I think he and my mother did it a grand total of twice, and never after I was born. He certainly didn't think highly of it. Especially with someone 'below our station.' In fact, none of the Snapes seemed to think much of it."
"I see."
"And...you know that I attend Death Eater revels...it's been an issue there at times, too. So I have some bad feelings associated with it in general. Often we were expected to do it, even if we despised the person we were...coupled...with."
"I'm sorry, Severus. But I'm going to change that. I'm going to make it something that you'll enjoy, something that you will WANT to do from now on. It's different with someone you love. All right?"
"Thank you, Remus. (Sigh) Now are you sure the door is locked and warded? I mean, if someone were to find out about us...doing this... Things would never be the same, for either of us. One, or both of us, would probably have to resign."
"It's not that big a deal, Severus. "
"Please, Remus."
"Nobody is going to find out. Listen, I'm necessarily discrete with my private life, and you're practically a Gringott's vault. Our secret will be quite safe."
"(Sigh) All right, let's get it over with."
"Severus, if that's really the way you feel then we shouldn't try this tonight. This is something that is supposed to feel good, something fun and pleasurable. It's not supposed to be torture."
"No, Remus, I NEED to do it...at least once...without being pressured to. Who knows, maybe I'll be good at it. Rumor around here is, I already AM good at it. No idea where these things get started."
"It's because the little girls fancy you."
"Please."
"I'm serious!"
"No, you're Remus!"
"(Groan) How long have you been waiting to say THAT?"
"About six months now."
"Git. But I mean it; I've heard the little darlings talking about you. They love your eyes. They think your voice is...how did they put it? 'The voice of a sex god.'
... I'm going to be sick."
"Heh heh. All right now, shall we begin? "
"Maybe we should go in the bedroom?"
"No, there's enough room here. Why do you want to go into the bedroom?"
"One more closed door between us and the rest of the castle. I don't want anyone to hear us."
"I already told you, I've set the wards up."
"All right...all right... Ow..."
"What's wrong?"
"(Wince) My neck has a crick. "
"See, that's what I mean! You're so tense! It's much harder to do it if you're tense. At least to do it well, or without hurting yourself. Relax!"
"I'm trying."
"Here... How does that feel?"
"Mmmm. Good. Very good. I may purr in a minute. Oh bugger it all, let's just do this all night."
"Heh heh...Goodness, Sev, your shoulders are like iron. C'mon, relax. I promise I won't hurt you, humiliate you, or make you do anything I don't think you're up to. Can't you trust me?"
"We would not be here if I did not trust you."
"Very well. Feel better?"
"I suppose. Now...I'm confused about the...the...bugger. The 'gender dynamic', if you will. Which one of us is...you know...in charge?"
"Oh, um... Well, tell you what, this first time, why don't I be the...uh...woman. I think that will make you feel a little less threatened. Right?"
"Yes. (Whew) Thank you."
"We'll have plenty of opportunity to switch roles once you're more used to it. "
"I can hardly wait."
"We could even try it with another couple sometime. Would you like that?"
"..."
"Heh heh! I just wanted to see what you'd say."
"Now I'm tense again."
"Aw, love, I'm sorry. Here, hang on a sec..."
"... Why are you dimming the lights?"
"Ambiance. Creates the mood. It'll help you get into it."
"Shall I put on some music?"
"Ummmm. Yes, but very low. For the first time, anyway. If it's too loud it will be distracting. I want to be able to concentrate on you. "
"I'm touched."
"In the head."
"Watch it, dogbreath."
"(Music plays softly)
All right, Mr. Potions master, enough stalling. Come here... Come on, I won't bite you... That doesn't come until later."
"What?"
"Kidding! Now I'm going to put my hands here...and here. Don't tremble, so! This is supposed to be fun."
"I'm trying. OK...what the...WHERE the hell do my hands go? I feel like they're all over the place."
"You really HAVEN'T done this before, have you? I thought you were exaggerating."
"When would I have done it, and with whom?"
"I don't know. There were plenty of opportunities when we were students."
"In case you've forgotten, Remus, I was not exactly on every girl's list of eligible suitors. I was ugly as sin, and had a prissy attitude to boot. Why would anyone even talk to me, let alone..."
"Do you really think I felt that way toward you, Severus?"
"Well...I don't know. Didn't you?"
"Of course not. "
"Oh. Thank you, Remus."
"And if things hadn't been so different when we were young, I might have done it with you then. But you know how things were. Two guys just didn't DO that, then. It was taboo."
"I understand."
"OK, now give me your hands. Sweet...relax...I promise, I won't hurt you. I...yikes... Clam-my."
"Sorry. (Wipe, wipe) I told you I'm nervous. I'm sweating like some sort of farm animal."
"You think you're sweaty now, wait until we've been at it awhile..."
"Oh? Is it that rigorous? I was under the impression that it was more languid, easygoing..."
"Well, it can be. But, if you really get into it, you can pull muscles, end up exhausted, sweaty...but you'll also feel happy and invigorated. At least that's the aim."
"So...my hands?"
"Oh right. Ok, so you put one here...and the other here. Lower. Lower. TooOO low!"
"Sorry."
"You are not."
"Heh."
"Put it...right there...don't crush me. And don't TICKLE ME...EEEK!"
"(Snicker)
Heeheehee, stop that! STOP!"
"All right, all right, sorry."
"Bastard."
"Oh, don't pretend you don't love it."
"(Sigh) Can we get on with it, please?"
"Yes, sir."
"Now then... Just relax...take a deep breath. The idea is to feel an internal rhythm. Like a heart beating inside you."
"I already have one, despite popular opinion."
"Severus, If you don't concentrate it's not going to be any fun for either of us."
"I'm sorry. You were saying?"
"I said, you want to feel the rhythm, and move with it. Like waves on the shore. Like a heart beating, as I said. Close your eyes...feel my hands on you... Try to be aware of how my hands feel on you. And how yours feel on me. You want to guide me, without forcing me. It should very natural, and both of us should feel equally in control."
"I thought I was in charge?"
"Well yes, you are. But you also don't want to overpower me. This is a team effort, and if one person is more domineering or selfish it doesn't work as well."
"I see. (Breathes deeply) Are my hands too tight on you?"
"No, Sev, you're fine. "
"I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't. I won't let you."
"Right. Now where's this rhythm you mentioned?"
"If you'd stop talking for a minute..."
"Got it... All right... I think I feel it."
"Good. Ready? Here we go."
"Oh god..."
"Don't tense up...you're going to be fine. Ready?"
"... Yes. "
"Now then... One-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three, one-two-three...that's it! You're doing it!"
"Shhh-two-three, trying-to-count, one-two-three..."
"Sev, you're a natural! Lift your face, don't look at your feet, look at me. "
"One-two-three, one-two-three..."
"Bloody brilliant...Next we'll try The Polka."
"Fine-two-three, great-two-three, love-to-three."
THE END