A/N: This was inspired by a picture on DeviantArt, entitled Konoha Café by hyatt-ayanami, which the uniforms described in this fic are based on. This has also been slightly inspired by the anime Ouran High School Host Club. There shall be a link placed up in Miss Zana's profile to check out the art.
Disclaimer: This is pure crack and not meant to be taken seriously AT ALL. We love everyone off of Naruto, no matter how much their character may be raped in this crack. Forever Yours Zana and Miss shy7cat don't own anything. 'Nuff said.
Warnings: Some spoilers for those who aren't up to date, Naruto anime/manga wise. Shonen-ai, het, yuri hints and more. Yays.
Miss Zana and Miss Cat are proud to present, Café C'est la Vie. Because when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, of course! A joined work in progress.
PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!
Café C'est la Vie
Cup 1: Café Akatsuki: Rivals All Around!
"Ohayoooo! I'm here, now the real fun can start, believeit!"
Heavy footsteps.Short puffs of breath escaped from a pair of dried lips; a wet pink tongue darted out to fix the problem. Only a glimpse of shockingly yellow hair and true blue eyes could be seen as door closed behind the dashing handsomely-dressed teenager. A rather brightly decorated sign swung back and forth upon the door. It was a sign that could easily make even the busiest of people stop to read and see what this quaint little café, located in the heart of the bustling city Konoha, had to offer.
Café C'est la Vie, the best place in Konoha to get cute girls, pretty boys, and delicious treats all in one sitting! Coffee, flirting, and more awaits you in our lovely, home-like atmosphere! Come and grab a bite and a drink right now because we are…
OPENED!
A young man studied the sign carefully, "So this is where he works…"
He then opened the door and walked in. The young man immediately felt a kind of gratifying peace upon entry. The café was divided into two sections; one section consisted of tables and chairs that were lined up against the glass windows of the café, giving any customer a perfect view of the activity that went on outside. The second section of the café did not have chairs, but
rather couches, circled around a single television that broadcasted the shows that were the most popular at the moment.
All different kinds of sweets were on display up front at the cash register, as well. Coffee's pleasant scent wafted through the air. Girls walked around in French maid uniforms with big red bows tied around the middle; guys served people in crisp white shirts, black vests, matching black pants, and red ties. One male, however, stood out from all the rest.
Uzumaki…now I'll be able to stalk…er…watch you up close…
XXX
Uzumaki Naruto's eyes narrowed as he eyed his unsuspecting prey.He raised a hand high into the air before bringing it down full force on the back of a man's white, spiky hair. The blond waiter smirked. The older gentleman glared.
"What'd ya hit me for?!You good for nothing brat, I ought to sue your ungrateful ass for abuse! Where is your boss? I demand to speak with him, NOW!"
"The guy that owns this café probably won't be here until the afternoon, Jiraiya-sensei, but you can always talk to his second in command, I suppose…"
"YOU BRAT! You're lucky that school's out and I can't suspend your ass! Why I OUGHTA—"
A tall and slim waiter walked past Naruto, his arm brushing ever so slightly against the tanned high school graduate. He held an order of coffee upon a silver plate. The pale, dark haired waiter was just dripping with sex appeal as well as the type of pretentious coolness those of his kind were born with.
"Hey dobe, what has Kakashi told you about harassing the customers? Please forgive him for whatever trouble he's caused you, sir. For you see, Naruto is mentally retarded and blond…it makes for a terrible…"
Naruto turned around and pointed at accusing finger at his work mate, Uchiha Sasuke, "First off, I'm NOT stupid, so stop calling me stupid! Second off, teme, the old man doesn't come here for the food! He never orders a damn thing! He comes here to try and look up the girl's skirts! Plus, he's plotting to take away Hinata-chan's virginity!!!"
Said girl blinked as a blush rose in her cheeks. The shock of her long time crush yelling her name and referring to her virginity in the same sentence caused her heart to skip several beats. She began to feel light-headed; her knees wobbled and she promptly fainted, spilling the cups of tea she held on her tray all over the previously spotless floor.
"Girl down," Nara Shikamaru grumbled, heading to the back to retrieve a mop.
Meanwhile, Inuzuka Kiba lifted the girl and placed her into a chair; he started to fan her face. Hyuuga Hinata's cousin Neji shoved Kiba out of the way and stated that he could handle this. Kiba told Neji that he should just go back to dealing with the cash register. They both began to argue. Nobody was really too concerned with the fact that Hinata had fainted because Hinata often fainted several times during the day. The doctors couldn't figure out why.
Sasuke stared at the older man. Jiraiya shivered at the noticeable, murderous aura the Uchiha was giving off. Along with the steely gaze of his dark eyes, it made for an intimidating combination.
Sasuke spoke calmly, "Sir, if you aren't going to order, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave." The older man grumbled, "Fine, fine, I'll have a cup of coffee, no sugar or cream."
A dark eyebrow raised and all the girls within the store swooned, "Just a coffee? Sir, I believe you appear to be hungry. Might I suggest our breakfast special? With a glass of orange juice and a bagel or two?" Sasuke's blank stare implied that his "suggestions" were more along the lines of commands. The lethal aura surrounding Sasuke increased. This kid was seriously scaring the hell out of Jiraiya, not that he would ever admit it. He was a full grown adult for goodness sakes!
The older man grumbled again, "Fine, fine, I'll take whatever you got, you brat." The Uchiha smirked, "Your order will be coming right up, sir. Have a nice rest of the day." He then walked off to serve the order of coffee he held to his customer.
"Tch, nice day indeed," Jiraiya murmured.
This was why Hatake Kakashi considered himself very lucky when he hired the Uchiha to join his staff and why he had made him second in command; Sasuke was drop dead gorgeous and very persuasive when needed. He was also responsible and did well in keeping his bunch of "adorable employees" whole.
Jiraiya leaned back in his chair and looked around, his gaze settling on the behind of the pink haired waitress that had just walked past. If only her blue and white French maid uniform rode up just a bit higher…
"Now that's a fine piece of woman! Look at those legs; it makes me want to…"
Jiraiya never did get to finish his sentence, as Naruto pulled out a baseball bat that read "The Anti-Hentai Bat of Justice," in kanji.
"Anti-Pervert Style: Full Force Baseball Knockout Jutsu!" He swung the bat with all of his might, knocking Jiraiya right out the window he sat near. Naruto smirked in triumph, "I protected Sakura-chan's purity from that perv's wandering eyes; it's a DOUBLE HOMERUN!" Glass shattered like clear, sharp particles of ice all over the café's floor.
"What the HELL Naruto?! Didn't Kakashi-sensei tell you to NOT use that attack indoors?" Kiba growled, shielding himself (and the unconscious Hinata) from the flying pieces of glass. Haruno Sakura and Yamanaka Ino hid underneath the safest table, both cursing rather loudly.
"I'm capable of protecting my own virginity Naruto, you idiot!" the bubble gum haired waitress shrieked. "Ursuratonkchi," Sasuke stated blandly. The Uchiha was used to situations such as this and saw no point in getting upset anymore, as did Neji (who shoved Kiba away from Hinata when he started getting too close.)
Sai smiled as he watched all of their customers in the café dash out at top speed. He picked up a cup of untouched tea and took a long sip before saying, "Kakashi-sanis going to take the damages out of your paycheck, Dickless Wonder."
Shikamaru walked out with a mop, saw he glass and baseball bat in Naruto's hand, and rubbed his forehead in aggravation, "Naruto you're so troublesome…"
Naruto ignored all of these comments and instead stared at the pretty pieces of broken glass, "Oooh, they shine in the sunlight! How awesome is that? Oi! Look you guys, there's a plane in the sky; I wonder if it can hear me. HEY PLANE…!"
"…And so very ADHD," Shikamaru concluded.
Is this a typical morning in their café? How dysfunctional. They all seem very close, however. Yes, this is the only way to make Uzumaki acknowledge me…by getting a job here for the summer.
Thought the only customer left in the café, a handsome, red-haired young man. Nobody had noticed him, yet.
XXX
By noon things had settled back into their usual swing. Sure, there was a window missing on one side of the café, but that would fixed by the end of the day. Hatake Kakashi had arrived, saw the damage, and told Naruto that he was taking the money out of his paycheck, just as Sai had predicted. Hinata had woken up from fainting and Shikamaru was outside, watching the clouds instead of serving people.
"It is your destiny to order our lunchtime special," Neji told a female customer gravely. The female customer was lost in the depths of the Hyuuga's stunning pale eyes and nodded, "Yes, it is my destiny, just as long as you serve it to me, cutie pie." She winked at him and blushed.
Neji nodded politely as he wrote her order down, "Your order is destined to arrive right away m'am." The young woman giggled, "So. Are you single…? Because I am and…"
"NEJI! NEJI, NEJI, NEJI, WE NEED TO TALK…!" Naruto pulled on the brunet waiter's hand and dragged him away from his customer into a corner of the café. The Hyuuga closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "What is it Naruto?" Inwardly, Neji was glad to get away from that lady's advances; he had no interest in her.
"I think that guy with the raccoon eyes is planning to rape me as soon as I'm alone. Normally I'd get Sasuke-teme to tell him to piss off, but he's at his college class right now."
Neji glanced at the solitary red head whose aquamarine eyes stared intensely at Naruto. The brunet sighed. "Why don't you talk to him and see what he wants?" The blond stomped his foot, "Because he wants to RAPE me, what part of that don't you UNDERSTAND?"
"Sai and Sasuke also want to rape you, but you don't complain about that," Neji pointed out. Naruto crossed his arms, "That's totally different, you know that." Naruto's relationship between the two raven-haired boys was a complex one, but that is a different story being saved for a rainy day.
"Look Naruto, I have customers to take care of. Please do not disturb me for such silly things; I'm not having money be pulled from my check as well." The Hyuuga turned around and went back to the lady he was gradually scamming money out of with his looks. Naruto ran his fingers through his untamed locks before walking over to where the loner red head sat. For some reason, his stalker looked very familiar.
Uzumaki's coming this way. I've never been this close to him before. My heart is beating faster. He's so…
"Um, may I help you? You've been sitting around here for a long time."
Gaara avoided looking into the face of Naruto Uzumaki. He was sure that he would have a nosebleed if he did. Gaara looked down at his lap instead and said the first thing that came to mind.
"Who must I speak with to get a job around here?"
If I get hired, I can spend more time watching Naruto…I will make sure that I do get hired…
Tenten watched curiously from the cash register as Sai and Hinata gave off similar murderous auras, cracking their fists as their eyes became overshadowed with evil intent toward whoever Naruto was speaking so animatedly with.
But…I thought Sai was supposed to have no emotions and Hinata was supposed to be a sweetheart. I guess you really can't judge a book by its cover, the girl thought, shrugging to herself and biting into a cupcake.
"Excuse me Miss, but that was my cupcake, I just ordered it…Miss…? HEY MISS…?!"
XXX
My Naruto-Is-Being-Stalked senses are tingling. I need to hurry back to work…
Uchiha Sasuke stopped at a red light. During his minor break from driving, he eyed the activity going on outside of his car. There were birds. And clouds. And people. And cars. And another café having its grand opening…
Sasuke blanched. No he did not…my aniki did NOT open a café with his stupid friends in order to get back at me… nonononononono…!!!
Café Akatsuki
GRAND OPENING
Where all of your deepest desires can be met over a cup of coffee…
A Hundred Times Better than Café C'est la VieKonoha's best, for real! Come taste a little slice of heaven today!
Sasuke ran the red light. Though illegal and highly dangerous he didn't get stopped by the police because his license plate read 'Uchiha,' and everyone in Konoha knew that messing with an Uchiha meant sudden death. The Uchihas were one of the wealthiest families in all of Japan, after all.
Inner!Sasuke waved both middle fingers in the air while sticking out his tongue rudely," I'm not going to let you beat me Itachi, because I'm bitchin'…BELIEVE IT!" Inner!Sasuke then twitched, "Oh God, did I just use that dobe's retarded English Dub catchphrase…?
XXX
"You're hired!"
"…You didn't even interview me," Gaara pointed out monotonously.
"You're attractive and that's what matters the most in my café. You're good enough to be a waiter."
"What would've happened if I wasn't attractive?"
"I would have hired you, but you would have been in the kitchen where all of The Unworthy work. Like Rock Lee, for example."
"Who is Rock Lee?"
Kakashi chuckled softly and waved his hand, "You'll meet him soon enough."
Gaara stared at the silver-haired, mask wearing owner. "Your café is very shallow, Hatake-san."
"It's what brings business in, Gaara-kun; the world is a very shallow place," Kakashi replied soberly. Kakashi's office door slammed opened suddenly.
"KAKASHI-SENSEI, SASUKE'S EVIL, SEXY OLDER BROTHER IS TRYING TO RUN US OUT OF BUSINESS! WE'VE GOT TO STOP …HEY GAARA!! YOU HAVE A TATTOO ON YOUR HEAD, THAT'S SO COOL…!"
Sasuke stared at Naruto, "Did you just call Itachi sexy, dobe?"
The blond snapped out of his ramblingsfor a moment, "So what if I did teme, is that a problem?"
Sasuke punched Naruto in the face. Naruto kneed Sasuke in the gut. The two started rolling around on the floor fighting. Ino and Sai watched, thinking about how much hotter it would be with their clothes off; they were yaoi fans.
"Neji, Shikamaru, I want you to go to Sasuke's Evil Sexy Older Brother's café and see if they hold any competition for me.Sakura-chan, please stop Naruto and Sasuke's fight so that we can find out where this café is from Sasuke. Sai, please see if you can find a uniform for Gaara-kun to wear. By the way, he's the newest member of our staff. Make him feel at home. Now, everyone, get the hell out of my office."
"HAI!" Kakashi's workers replied as the older man pulled out his newest copy of Icha Icha Paradise. Sai secretly smirked to himself; Icha Icha would be nothing compared to Ninja Make-Out Heaven, the erotic manga he was working on that featured all of his favorite coworkers doing NC-17 worthy things. In color.
XXX
With a quick change out of their uniforms into regular street clothes and donning of a pair of black sunglasses, as a part of their disguises, the Hyuuga and the Nara left work and headed out to Café Akatsuki, in order to spy as Kakashi requested. The first thing the two saw as they took their seats was a blonde haired lady wearing a black cloak covered with red clouds choking the life out of a man wearing an orange mask.
"Okasan, it HURTS, I can't BREATHE…!"
"FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU ARE NOT THE CRACK CHILD OF ME AND SASORI, stop calling me your MOTHER DAMN IT, I AM A MAN TOBI, UN!!!"
"Momma Deidara, you're not supposed to strangle your children, ACKKKK…!"
"DIE! UN, UN, UNNNNNN!!!!"
A pretty looking red head standing nearby played with two miniature puppets nearby. "Yes mother and father, they are irritating, aren't they?" He said to the puppets, "Would any of you like something to eat now?" The red head smiled.
Neji cursed, "They're just as dysfunctional as we are, maybe even more so."
Shikamaru nodded, "They have femme boys, very much like you," Neji glared at Shikamaru for that remark, "cool-looking uniformand their dysfunctional-ness adds to their overall charm, allowing them to attract a lot of customers. They are, however, missing one thing. One thing that we have."
Neji smirked as he removed his sunglasses, "Cute girls."
Shikamaru scowled, "Well, yes, but not that! They're missing a Naruto! Without a Naruto-Type, the whole dysfunctional thing falls apart. Why do you think Kakashi-sensei keeps Naruto around despite the fact he's an ADHD blond who rarely shuts up?"
"Isn't it because Naruto is an extremely likable person…?"
The two geniuses continued discussing and making comparisons. They were so deeply involved in their argument, that they did not notice the shark-faced man sitting nearby, listening to their every word.
XXX
"State your intentions toward Naruto Uzumaki."
Sai, Sasuke, and Hinata had ganged up on Gaara, all emitting the same sinister aura with depraved, wicked gleams in their eyes.
Gaara stared back at them vacantly, "I don't have to explain myself to any of you."
Hinata stepped forward, smiling innocently and playing with her fingers cutely, "Explain your intentions…pretty please with sugar on top?" The cute and naive act gets them every time, kukukukukuku…
". . . No," Gaara replied. Hinata gasped; she felt an invisible punch slam into her stomach. She took a few steps back, shaking, "But…but…only Sasuke-kun is absolutely indifferent to my pouring sweetness…!"
"At any rate, we had dibs on Naruto first, we don't need another person trying to go after what's ours," Sai chirped with a fake smile. Sasuke continued, "So I'd suggest…"
"Heyyy, what are you guys doing cornering my tanuki-chan?"
"You've given him a nickname?" Sai said in disbelief. Nicknames were his thing, after all.
"I think you're imagining things usuratonkachi, we're not cornering anyone," Sasuke replied impassively, keeping his growing rage in check.
"Na…Na…Naruto-kun!" Hinata squeaked as she fainted into his arms. Naruto blinked as he lifted the dark-haired girl with ease, "Oi! Hinata-chan fainted again!"
Sasuke and Sai did not miss the girl's light smirk.
Evil bitch, the two pale teens thought simultaneously.
OOO
"Ah hem, from the information I've received from our spies, I've come to another decision," Kakashi announced as they were closing up for the night. The only three left were Lee, Chouji, and Shino. They were the cooks, the foundation of the café, but never seen since they were The Unworthy in Kakashi's eyes.
"Why are you telling us, shouldn't you have said this to your waiters and waitresses earlier?" Shino asked.
Kakashi's eyes crinkled into a smile, "But they would have grown upset, bitched at me and wouldn't have focused on work at all if had told them. This is why you three are going to call them up and tell them this for me; tomorrow, I want to see cross dressing, as in them switching
uniforms. According to my research, people like these kinds of things, especially females."
Lee pumped an enthusiastic fist into the air, "YOSH! CROSS DRESSING! HOW VERY YOUTHFUL!!! CAN I DO IT AS WELL KAKASHI-SENSEI?!"
". . ."
Shino and Chouji felt grateful that they weren't important enough to be caught up in Kakashi's silly schemes, for once.
XXX
Uchiha Itachi smirked as he took in all of the information that his co-worker and boyfriend Hoshigaki Kisame had reported to him. He leaned back in the seat of his car. Kisame was operating the Uchiha's vehicle because Itachi was legally blind when he wasn't wearing either his glasses or contacts. And Itachi detested his glasses with a passion…and often forgot to put in his contacts. So Kisame had no choice but to baby sit his evil, sexy, blind boyfriend.
"…Tomorrow Kisame, a kidnapping is in order. We will make this Uzumaki Naruto, my foolish otouto's friend, join our café. Even if it takes a little…forceful persuasion. We shall use Uzumaki's greatest weakness against him…ramen."
The shark man's teeth gleamed in the moonlight as he tossed his head back and chuckled darkly; Kisame ran a stray cat by accident while he was laughing. Itachi cursed, "Now there's cat blood and fur all over my lovely tires!" His inherent Uchiha OCD started to kick in. Kisame hated it when Itachi got like this; it normally meant no sex.
XX End Drink XX
Some Author Notes…
C'est la Vie: French for, "That's life!"
Mah, the idea for this is that the whole café cast are high school graduates and working at the café is a well-paying summer job! Plus, they're all one big happy family, even though they won't admit it. (Geniuses like Neji and Sasuke are taking summer classes for college already.) They call Kakashi sensei because Kakashi sometimes teaches them valuable things. Sometimes.
Akatsuki fun and more café madness ensure next chapter! See you there!
Ja ne!