This Old House

by S_Star

Disclaimer: I can dream...

Rating: PG-13, maybe R later on.

Pairings: Pytro (Pietro/Pyro), background Romy cuz I love it. Maybe some others, too, but they'll probably just be CPDs. ^_~

Summary: St John's always playing with fire...it's about time he got burnt. Pytro (Pyro & Pietro) slash with a cushy Romy subplot. ^_^ This chapter: furniture for beginners.

AN: Love to DKFairy for getting me back into the Evo-verse, although I'm not entirely sure it was wise... ^_~

This fic is for the lovely Storm-Pietro, who's been absolutely wonderful to me ever since I reviewed 'Fiery Speed'. I can't thank you enough for the confidence you've given me. *huggles*

Oh, and just so y'all know, Wanda and Rogue are friends because I like them being friends, and Rogue's accent seems to come on kinda suddenly but it's just that the first things she says didn't actually need to be Mississippi-fied. She is there for a reason, though... ^_~

1 – DIY Domesticity

'Aw, fuck!' I yelled, not caring how much my voice carried. 'Fuck, Pietro!'

'Having fun down there, Allerdyce?' he asked, ceasing his motions and smirking at me.

'For God's sake, don't stop, mate!' I ground out, trying not to moan in frustration. 'You gotta finish the job before the others get back!'

Honestly, he was meant to be a speed demon, but he was going painfully slowly.

'Well it's not as if I've ever done anything like this before, y'know!'

I stopped and stared at him. 'What did you just say?'

'I've never done...this before,' he repeated.

'Y-you haven't?'

He shook his head.

'Then why the hell--?'

'Because I can't exactly do it by myself, now, can I?' he asked angrily, pouting slightly. 'And I thought that you could maybe, y'know, show-me-or-something?'

His last words were kind of a blur, but I got his drift. It was strange, he was always so confident: I had no idea that he'd never actually...

'Of-course-if-you-don't-want-to-that's-fine-too-I-just-thought-that-maybe-you-wouldn't-mind...'

It sometimes amazes me how little that guy needs to breathe.

'Relax, mate!' I said, smiling in what was hopefully a reassuring manner. 'Look, all we've got to do is stick that,' I gestured, 'into that hole.'

Pietro frowned and glanced back and forth between the two. 'No way is that gonna fit.'

'You'd be surprised.' I grinned. 'Look, trust me on this one, okay? If you just go...there, and I stay here, then...voila!'

'Are you really sure about thi—oh. OH.'

'Now you move right...there...FUCK!'

'Oh-my-God-are-you-okay?'

'Yeah, it's nothing...just keep going, nearly there, so close, that's it...YES!'

I collapsed in relief, a torrent of giggles erupting from me, and Pietro knelt back, a small smile appearing on his face. 'Oh my God,' he breathed. 'We did it! We-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it! Yeah!'

'What the HELL are you two doing?!'

At the sound of Avalanche's voice, Pietro dropped the flashlight he'd been holding and I realised just how compromising our position was.

Pietro was straddling me as I lay back in spasms of laughter, and I didn't want to KNOW what Avalanche thought we were up to.

'Hey, mate,' I choked out between giggles. 'Like it?'

'Like what?' he asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

I pushed Pietro off me and stood up, brushing dust off my jeans and putting down my screwdriver.

'The coffee table,' Pietro clarified. 'You see, it arrived this morning just after you guys had gone to school but it was flat packed so I asked John to come round and help me put it all together, and you'd better like it because there's a no-return policy.'

'A coffee table? You bought a COFFEE TABLE?!' Avalanche clenched his fists and a tremor rippled through the floor.

'Uh huh,' Pietro replied, folding his arms defiantly and glaring. 'We needed something to replace that chair you ruined before. Being avalanched out through a pane of glass hardly prolonged its life span! And you know that Mystique only paid for the window because Wanda threatened her!'

'Wait a second, we can hardly afford electricity; where the hell did you get the money for furniture?'

'Um...well, Lance, don't be mad, but I...kinda-used-this-month's-entire-food-allowance...'

Avalanche leaned against the doorframe in despair and Pietro stood the stillest I've ever seen him, tapping one foot against the frayed carpet.

I laughed nervously. 'Hehe, well, maybe I should just be leaving now, mates...' I edged towards the door but Pietro zipped behind me and pushed me between him and Avalanche: a human shield.

'No-no-no, stay!' he insisted, glancing at Avalanche as if he'd explode at any minute.

If he weren't Magneto's son, Pietro wouldn't have lasted two seconds as quasi -leader of this dump.

'Look, how d'you think Kitty's gonna react when she comes round for dinner just to find out that there isn't any?!'

'When's Kitty coming to dinner?' Pietro asked, peering round my arm.

'Tonight, you idiot! And there's even PIZZA STAINS on the walls, she's gonna think we live like animals.'

I snickered softly.

'Exactly!' said Pietro. 'This place is a sty, why don't you call her and put it off until some other time when we've actually bothered to clean? That way you'll have nice décor, some food, and maybe even gas to cook it on, if you're lucky!'

Avalanche just glared.

'Fine! Fine, I'll tidy it for you! It'll only take a coupla seconds, anyway,' he huffed, zooming round cleaning, and I burst into laughter yet again at the thought that he looked like Taz in that 'Space Jam' movie.

He stopped and folded his arms, smelling distinctly of pine. 'There, clean. But you've gotta find someone else to do your cooking. Better yet, why don't you do it yourself?' He was babbling now, not that that was a change. 'I thought all women liked guys who can cook? And clean? And make themselves useful around the house? You'd be like the perfect husband!'

'Or I could just ask HIM.'

I was too busy giggling to notice that Avalanche was pointing at me, until I felt a tremor in the floor that nearly knocked me over. 'Me? You don't want me to cook for you, mate, really!'

'Why not?' he asked threateningly, and it was Pietro's turn to laugh at the "help me" looks I was throwing him across Avalanche's shoulder.

'B-because I didn't know about the coffee table until this morning! And I don't even live here! C'mon, mate, please, don't make me!'

By that time I was being pushed towards the kitchen. 'Seriously! I can't cook! I always end up burning everything!' The door shut behind me, but I just walked straight back through. 'But I thought there wasn't any food left here!'

Avalanche turned around. 'Well, buy some, then!' He stormed upstairs, passing Wanda and that Rogue chick on the way down. I did a double take.

'Since when were you two sheilas here?'

Wanda rolled her eyes and shoved past me to the living room and Rogue – since when did the 'good guys' skip school, anyway? – gestured at Avalanche's back. 'What's his problem?'

'He's got a date with Kitty tonight and the cupboards are bare,' supplied Pietro, nipping to my side.

She nodded and walked into the doorway. 'That the table?'

'Uh huh,' he replied proudly, and I gaped.

'You KNEW about it?'

'Duh, of course Ah knew! It was kinda hard ta miss all the noise you two were makin'!'

'You were here the whole time? What the hell am I doing here, then, mate?' I asked Pietro angrily.

He shrugged. 'They insisted it was a man's job. Probably just didn't want to break any nails doing actual work for a change.'

Wanda walked in from the kitchen with a bottle of water and glared at him. 'Says the guy who spends twice as long as the rest of us on his hair every morning. And with super-speed, too.'

'What're you trying to say, Wanda?' he asked, folding his arms and leaning casually against the wall.

'You'd be able to work it out yourself if the bleach hadn't rotted away your brain cells.'

'Bleach? BLEACH?! You-take-that-back-right-now-you-know-it's-not-bleach-he's-your-father-too-goddammit!'

They continued to yell as Rogue watched in amusement, Avalanche's music began to blare from upstairs and the Toad and the Blob walked through the door, heading directly to the kitchen.

At that moment I wished more than anything that Remy hadn't decided to get in the shower just as Pietro rang.

'There better be something to eat in here, I'm starving!' At the sound of Blob slamming the empty cupboards shut in outrage, I reached into my pocket for a lighter to calm my nerves, only to find that it had run outta juice.

'Aw, FUCK!'

TBC...

AN: ^_^ So, that was chapter one of the fic-of-many-titles.

First, it was called 'I'm Way Too Bored to do Physics Right Now'.

Then, it was called 'GPS – Gratuitous Pytro Slash'

Then it was called a whole row of expletives because I couldn't think of any decent names.

It was eventually named after a random TV show 'This Old House with Steve and Norm', which I have never watched in my entire life and probably never will (thanks for that, DK!).

This fic has taken many hours and many swear words to write.

Think. Review...


...And I'll give you a cookie! ^_^

PS) Remy in the shower...big SQUEE from DK 'n' me!