A/N: Based on the episode 'Slave Girl', this fic started out as an idea called Ghetto Bitch Fight in emails between me and the wonderfully ebil JWood201. Hands up who ever wanted to see Mary Ann in a fight with Kalani? **raises hand, jumps up and down**
I've rated it T for one slightly naughty joke about submarines and just to be on the safe side. It's not really a crackfic, it's just a bit silly in places. It is Gilligan's Island, after all.
For JWood201. Friend and co-conspirator. Thank you for the constant inspiration. **winking smiley**
All characters are property of the late and very great Mr. Sherwood Schwartz.
Sugar And Spice
What are little boys made of? Slugs and snails and puppy dogs' tails, that's what little boys are made of. What are little girls made of? Sugar and spice and all things nice, that's what little girls are made of. - Anon.
Gilligan had never had anyone cater to his every whim before, let alone a beautiful, mysterious stranger. A beautiful mysterious girl stranger, who had somehow arrived in their lagoon and somehow tipped her canoe over and somehow gotten herself into trouble in the water. How come she couldn't swim? Her tribe, the Matobi, were boat people who had lived on an island in the Pacific for many, many years. How come she couldn't swim?
Because if she could swim, Gilligan thought with a heavy sigh as he watched Kalani fixing the hammocks and dusting the table and sweeping out the corners of the hut he shared with Skipper, I wouldn't be in this mess now, watching her do everything for me with no thought to her own needs. Just because I pulled her out of the water and saved her from drowning?
You couldn't just stand on the shore and watch a person drown without trying to do something, anything, to get them out. It had happened once with Mary Ann, but she had struggled so hard she almost drowned him too. Kalani hadn't struggled. Kalani had already swallowed too much water and was hovering on the brink of unconsciousness.
I just did what I could to stop her from dying. She didn't have to owe me her whole life for it. Anybody would have done the same.
Anyway, what kind of kooky tribe still practised slavery? People weren't born to serve other people without question. People had lives of their own to be lived, lives in which to find their own adventures, enjoy their own experiences. Make their own beds and dust their own tables!
Besides, it was embarrassing, knowing that the other castaways knew that Kalani wasn't going to obey anyone else but him. Kalani had only one thing to say to any of the others who approached her with chores of their own they wanted doing. It didn't help when she pressed close to him and linked both of her slender arms through his as she ignored their blustering and told them, gently but firmly:
"Gilligan is Master."
Beautiful young women pressing themselves against him and calling him Master was not something that happened to him every day. Except now, it was happening to him every day. And he could tell the others were as uncomfortable with it as he was, especially the girls. They didn't see why they couldn't have someone to help them, too. After all, Ginger had pouted, we already do all the work as it is!
You mean I already do all the work as it is, Mary Ann had muttered, unaware that the squirming, blushing Gilligan had heard her. And that was the other thing. It wasn't just the chores. Kalani even insisted on going with him when he went butterfly hunting with Mary Ann. It seemed that Gilligan wasn't even allowed to swing his own butterfly net, which wasn't even a chore! Mary Ann was far too sweet and polite to say anything, but the Matobi girl's presence cast a shadow over the few times he got to spend with Mary Ann, just the two of them. They were times he looked forward to, times when he could just kick back and relax with his second best friend on the island. And now there were three of them, and even he could sense the tension in the air around Mary Ann as soon as Kalani hove into view.
Kalani bent over to scoop up a dead beach spider. Her long, dark hair tumbled over her shoulders like a shimmering, black waterfall. Her sarong rode high up the backs of her tanned thighs and revealed the smooth, toned lines of her hamstring muscles. Gilligan propped his chin in both hands and sighed even harder.
He never thought he'd miss hard work, or any work for that matter, but Kalani wouldn't let him do anything at all. She even ran his bath for him. She even arranged his toy boats into a fleet so that he wouldn't have to search for the submarine which he invariably ended up sitting on. She even, to his utter surprise and dismay, stayed in the room with him while he bathed, sitting demurely in the corner with a towel ready for him as soon as he was done. He could hear her giggling ever so softly whenever he made the noise of an explosion and splashed the water with his hands as he played with his boats. It was off putting, to say the least, but at the same time it was weird knowing that a beautiful girl was watching him take a bath. Even though the water was warm, he would feel a sudden rush of goose bumps down his arms whenever he caught the coconut scent of her hair. He even briefly wondered what would happen if he accepted her offer to wash his back for him, but decided that was something he really didn't want to think about.
Playing with toy boats and not even glancing in her direction was a far safer option.
Kalani even sat next to Gilligan at meal times and cut his food into small pieces for him while he fidgeted, throwing sheepish grins at everyone. The Skipper gaped incredulously as Kalani speared a chunk of crab and brought it to Gilligan's lips, laughing softly when at first he refused to open his mouth, pushing gently at his lower lip with the end of the fork until he relented. She would coo in her native language like a mother to her baby while he chewed his food in mortified silence. He was well aware of the under-the-breath mutterings of everyone else at the table. There was a lot of that going around lately.
Kalani straightened up, the dead spider cupped in a palmful of sand. With a serene smile she extended her graceful arms and deposited the spider out of the window.
"Hut is clean, now," she said in her slightly husky voice, turning to Gilligan.
"Thanks, Kalani," Gilligan sighed, still with his chin in his hands. "As usual."
"Kalani now do Master's laundry." Without pausing, Kalani went over to the small closet to collect the laundry bag.
Gilligan was more than dismayed. "No, Kalani, please, you don't have to! Please, just sit down for five minutes. You look exhausted!"
"Kalani must serve Master," the Matobi girl responded. She opened the bag and searched briefly through its contents. "Kalani not sit down until work is done."
"But, Kalani, the laundry's not important, it doesn't need to be done right now! I have spare clothes! Kalani, please!" Gilligan jumped up from his seat to try and stop her, but it was no use. Kalani was already out of the door, the laundry bag slung over her left shoulder, bouncing against her back as she headed down to the washing area.
Gilligan threw his arms up and rolled his eyes in despair. Then he noticed that Kalani had removed the Skipper's clothes from the bag and left them on the floor of the closet. With yet another sigh, Gilligan sat down and sprawled rather dramatically across the table, wondering how long this Slave Girl nonsense was going to continue.
oOoOoOo
Mary Ann was already at the washing area when Kalani arrived. The two women greeted each other a little warily. Mary Ann was not in the best of moods since she was having to wash all the Howells' clothes separately from everyone else's. Mrs. Howell didn't like her clothes touching other people's, ever since the Skipper's blue polo shirt had turned one of her pink chiffon scarves purple.
Kalani put down her bag and carefully removed Gilligan's clothes. Mary Ann watched her in silence. She wasn't sure she liked the other girl handling her friend's personal items with such intimacy.
"Master gets very dirty," the Matobi girl smiled, shaking sand out of Gilligan's rugby shirt. "Master likes to roll around on floor."
Mary Ann said nothing. She carried on soaping the Howells' clothes in lukewarm water, watching Kalani out of the corner of her eye.
"Look," Kalani said, holding up Gilligan's jeans and displaying the seat of his pants. "Kalani never see so many grass stains in all her life!"
Really? Mary Ann thought. That's a surprise. But outwardly she smiled graciously. "Gilligan does like his outdoor pursuits," she said with a laugh that she hoped didn't betray her inner feelings.
"Master has much energy," Kalani agreed, tossing her mane of jet black hair over her shoulder. "Kalani find hard to keep up."
That's your fault for becoming his 'slave', Mary Ann thought, rather uncharitably. The poor girl was only following the rules of her tribe, after all, even if Mary Ann thought those rules were rather strict and outdated.
But still, it disturbed her to see Gilligan's boxer shorts being handled so delicately by another woman.
Oblivious to Mary Ann's inner turmoil, Kalani continued to chat. "Many Matobi girls have Masters. Some not like Master. Some Masters cruel. Gilligan not cruel. Gilligan is good to Kalani."
"Gilligan is good to everyone," Mary Ann said with a shrug. She scrubbed at Mrs. Howell's chiffon, aware that she wasn't treating the expensive clothing with very much respect.
"Especially good to Kalani," the Matobi girl smiled. "Kalani not fear her Master. He has kind face, gentle eyes. He is very...what is word? Sweet."
Mary Ann's fists clenched around Mrs. Howell's chiffon night dress in the depths of the sudsy water. 'Sweet' was her word for Gilligan!
"In Matobi culture, if it is desire of Master, Matobi girl is allowed to marry," Kalani continued, thrusting Gilligan's rugby shirt into her own bowl of soapy water and rubbing at it with vigour. "Kalani know of many such marriages. Kalani have friend, Uhana. Her Master save her from burning hut. Uhana marry her Master. Now have seven healthy children. Seven is lucky number in Matobi culture. All Matobi women try for seven healthy children. Sometimes it is like contest for women!"
Mary Ann had stopped scrubbing Mrs. Howell's night dress and was now using her hands against the bottom of the washing bowl to keep herself upright as her world tilted on its axis around her. "Wait a minute, Kalani," she asked, keeping her voice as light and steady as she could. "What exactly are you saying? Matobi girls are allowed to marry their Masters?"
Kalani nodded. Her chunky tribal jewelry clanked against her elegant collarbones as she rubbed the red fabric between her fingers. "If Matobi girl is lucky to have good Master, she is very happy to have marriage. Gilligan is good Master. Gilligan would make good husband for Kalani." She giggled coyly and let her hair fall in a curtain around her face, hiding her blushes.
Mary Ann's vision blurred suddenly. She blinked, wondering why there was the sudden buzzing of a thousand insects in her head. Surely Kalani wasn't seriously thinking of making Gilligan her husband? She had only been on their island for a week! Matobi culture or no Matobi culture, did Gilligan not have any say in the matter? Because if he did, Mary Ann knew that he would refuse. Gilligan had said he was never going to get married. Gilligan hadn't even liked play acting at getting married. There was no way Gilligan would marry a girl he'd only just met. He wouldn't!
Would he?
And then Kalani dropped the bombshell. With a girlish giggle, she said:
"Gilligan would make good babies."
Mary Ann's legs went out from under her and she tipped the bowl over, sloshing water across the sand and tearing a hole in Mrs. Howell's night dress as she fought to regain her footing.
"What?" she squeaked.
Kalani giggled, mistaking Mary Ann's shock for interest. She lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "I see him. In bath. While he play with boats. He have boat this big." Kalani put her hands about five inches apart. "And he have submarine this big." She pulled her hands outwards, adding another couple of inches at least. Then she giggled again, holding her hand politely over her mouth. "Please excuse Kalani. It is tradition in Matobi tribe for women to gather together to compare husbands. Kalani means no offence."
"None taken," Mary Ann whispered back, her voice trembling. It wasn't just that Kalani had been peeking at Gilligan in the bath, it was the fact that Kalani didn't even know Gilligan, and she had already seen his...submarine.
Mary Ann didn't want to think about it. She couldn't think about it. She didn't know how she felt about this latest development. Was she sad? Angry? Jealous, even? She pulled Mrs. Howell's night dress out of the water and stared miserably at the small tear in the sleeve. Mrs. Howell was bound to notice. Mr. Howell would be outraged on her behalf. And even if the millionaire's outrage was just a show designed to appease his wife and stop her making a fuss, Mary Ann didn't need it.
She didn't need anyone else making her feel even smaller than she felt right now.
oOoOoOo
"Kalani," said Gilligan when the Matobi girl returned to the hut with the empty bag. "Please, please take a rest."
"Kalani not finished yet," the girl replied. "Washing is hanging up to dry. Kalani now have Master's snack to prepare."
For the first time in his life, Gilligan was sorry that he ate so much. "I'm not hungry," he protested. "I don't need a snack right now."
"Sun is behind third palm tree over hut. Is time for snack," Kalani insisted.
"But I don't want a snack today."
"Master always want snack. Master have healthy appetite."
"No, Master is greedy. He...I mean, I don't need a snack right now. Seriously."
Kalani looked at Gilligan with her head cocked to one side. "Kalani not understand why Master change mind," she said, puzzled. "Does he not like food Kalani prepare?"
"I like your food very much," Gilligan said. "I just don't need it right now. You've been working hard all day. You should rest."
"In Matobi culture, if food not acceptable, then preparer of food is banished to other side of island," Kalani said, her lower lip wobbling slightly.
"I love your food, Kalani," Gilligan said, raising his voice as if it would help to get his point across. "But I'm happy to wait until dinner, when everyone else eats too. Then I can enjoy it even more!"
Kalani brightened. "Master have nice smile," she said, shyly. "Kalani accept reason for not wanting snack."
"Good," said Gilligan. "How about you accept reason for taking a nice nap? You're tired, I can see it. Go on, get in the lower sack and take a rest." He gestured with his arm towards the hammocks.
"Kalani is not tired," Kalani replied. "Kalani will find more work."
"How about if Master insists?" Gilligan said, trying a brand new tactic, one that surprisingly, he hadn't thought of before.
"Insists?"
"Yeah. Um..." Gilligan hesitated, a little unsure of himself, and then took a deep breath and continued. "As Master, I order you to take a nap!"
Kalani's dark almond eyes widened. "Order? Is Master sure?"
"Well, y'know, when I said 'order', I meant...well, I really think it would be a good idea for you to rest. As your Master, and everything."
Kalani nodded immediately, her glossy hair swishing against her smooth shoulders. "Kalani not argue with Master's wishes. If it is Master's desire, Kalani will be happy to sleep."
Gilligan watched with relief as the Matobi girl crossed the room and climbed carefully into the lower hammock. Almost at once he saw how she relaxed the moment she was off her feet. The poor girl was plumb tuckered out from all those endless chores! He took a blanket off the shelf and brought it over to her, smiling down at her upturned face. "See?" he said. "I told you. You're half asleep already."
"Kalani will rest for Master, if Master wishes," she smiled back. "Master is good to Kalani."
Gilligan shook the blanket out and laid it over her with a flourish. "And Kalani is good to Master. I don't need you to do anything more for me right now except sleep. I mean it."
Kalani pulled the blanket up to her chin and blinked slowly, as if sleep was already creeping around the corner. "Kalani will fix Master's dinner when she awakes," she murmured.
Gilligan lowered himself onto his haunches beside the hammock and gently pulled a long strand of dark hair from the corner of Kalani's mouth as she drifted into slumber. "Don't even worry about that," he smiled. "Just sleep. For as long as you want."
"Sleep," the girl repeated, her voice almost inaudible now.
"That's right, Kalani, sleeeep." Gilligan continued to stroke her hair lightly. He found he was almost holding his breath. He couldn't wait for Kalani to go to sleep so that he could spend the afternoon doing what he wanted to do. Maybe he could catch Mary Ann after she finished with her own chores and they could finally go butterfly hunting together, just the two of them, the way it used to be, the way it was meant to be!
But unbeknownst to Gilligan, while Kalani drifted off and he remained crouched by the hammock, Mary Ann was staring in dismay through the open window, clutching a basket of freshly washed laundry to her stomach and feeling as though she was going to be sick.
oOoOoOo
"Where were you this afternoon, Mary Ann?" Gilligan was hovering in the doorway to the girls' hut while Mary Ann and Ginger bustled about, getting ready for dinner.
"What do you mean, where was I?" Mary Ann said- a little sharply, he thought. "I was busy."
"I came looking for you," he went on, ignoring Ginger's pointed glares in his direction.
"For me? Why were you looking for me? I thought you had other friends now." Mary Ann picked up a hand mirror and primped her hair, angling it so that she could still see him fidgeting nervously by the door.
"I wanted to go butterfly hunting."
"Well, why didn't you go?"
"Because I was looking for you to go with."
"Three's a crowd, Gilligan," said Ginger, unable to stay silent any longer.
"But there wouldn't have been three," Gilligan protested. "Kalani went to sleep."
"Worn out, was she?" Mary Ann huffed.
The slight double meaning in Mary Ann's words went right over Gilligan's head. "Yeah, she was. She was exhausted. She went to sleep for three hours. That's why I came looking for you. So we could go together. You know." he glanced nervously at Ginger. "Just you and me, Mary Ann. Like we always used to do."
He sounded so plaintive that Mary Ann put down the mirror and turned to look at him directly. "Really?" she asked, feeling a lump of sadness welling up in her throat.
"Really."
Gilligan looked so apologetic that Mary Ann couldn't stay angry with him. She didn't even know why she was angry with him anyway. He hadn't asked for all of this. It wasn't his fault he had to follow Matobi tradition- if he didn't, he risked insulting Kalani and her entire tribe. She didn't think he had any idea that Kalani thought he might make a good husband one day, let alone father of her future children. All Gilligan knew was that he'd saved Kalani from drowning and she'd promised to be his slave until the day either one of them died, and it wasn't a situation any of them knew how to get out of.
"Oh, Gilligan. I didn't realise! I'm so sorry you couldn't find me." Mary Ann didn't tell him that she had deliberately hidden from him. She ignored Ginger's sarcastic hmph and looked at Gilligan with wide, imploring eyes.
"That's okay, Mary Ann." Gilligan shrugged as though it didn't matter, but he looked unhappy. "It was just an idea, anyway."
"I would have enjoyed it," Mary Ann said mournfully, wishing she hadn't run away from the hut without finding out the facts first. What an opportunity I missed!
Gilligan was about to say something else when the sounds of the Matobi girl approaching made all of them jump and start acting guilty, even though no-one was doing anything wrong. He sighed and turned towards the door. "I guess I'll see you later, Mary Ann," he said, sheepishly.
Both Ginger and Mary Ann watched from the hut window as Gilligan crossed the clearing to be met by his Matobi girlservant, who linked her arms through his as they walked off in the direction of the lagoon.
"Don't tell me he's not enjoying it," Ginger said, drily.
"He's not, Ginger! He's not enjoying it!" Mary Ann said, a bit too loudly, because the last thing she wanted was to think that Ginger might be right.
"Mary Ann, he's a man. Trust me, he's enjoying it."
oOoOoOo
Mary Ann's grumpy mood did not improve, and it got worse at dinner when once again, as usual, Kalani parked herself next to Gilligan and began feeding him. Mary Ann sat on Gilligan's other side, stabbing her fork into chunks of swordfish. Occasionally she would glance up and meet someone's eye, and the only thing that consoled her was that everyone appeared to be feeling as awkward as she was. Even the Professor.
"Master is pololi pepe." Kalani chuckled softly as she spooned more pineapple into Gilligan's mouth, catching the drips with her other hand cupped under his chin.
Mary Ann glanced at the Professor, who smiled as though suppressing a chuckle of his own. "She just called Gilligan a hungry baby," he said, almost apologetically.
Mary Ann gave her swordfish an extra hard stab. "That's all she seems to be able to talk about," she muttered quietly so that only Ginger could hear. "Babies."
"Hamama," Kalani cooed in a childish voice, sticking out her lower lip when Gilligan wouldn't open his mouth and instead shook his head in refusal. "Hamama, pepe."
"I think I'm going to throw up," Ginger whispered back.
After another ten minutes of Kalani's cooing and fussing, Mary Ann lost her patience. She jumped to her feet and began clearing the table. The Howells gave up their plates happily- Mrs. Howell had barely touched her food anyway, startled as she was by the sight of a grown man being spoonfed by a nubile young beauty every time they sat down to eat. Not only that, she was still smarting over Kalani's refusal to come and work for them, and Mr. Howell was still scheming and plotting over ways to get the young girl to change her mind.
When it came to clearing Gilligan's plate, Mary Ann whisked it sharply out from under his nose while Kalani was still in the middle of feeding him.
"Master?" Kalani said forlornly, staring after Mary Ann's retreating form.
"It's okay, Kalani, I'm done," Gilligan replied, patting his stomach contentedly.
The Skipper, meanwhile, was shaking his head in mild disgust. "I don't see why he can't feed himself," he grumbled.
"Is Kalani's job to make Master happy," the Matobi girl smiled.
"By making the rest of us miserable?" the Skipper muttered.
"Kalani only worry about Master. Master is everything to Kalani." Kalani leaned closer to Gilligan and smiled proudly at everyone around the table while Gilligan cleared his throat, going red with embarrassment.
"I wonder what's for dessert?" he grinned, trying to change the subject. With everyone staring at him, he felt as conspicuous as a Prom Queen with a pimple.
Kalani brightened immediately. "Master is ready for dessert?"
Gilligan nodded.
"Master is always ready for dessert," Ginger said, sweetly. "Master is a bottomless pit, isn't he, Master?"
Gilligan turned to Ginger and nodded again. "My appetite is legendary," he agreed.
Kalani got up from the table, her hand resting gently on Gilligan's shoulder. She leaned down and put her lips close to his ear. "Kalani have special treat for Master," she smiled, giving his shoulder a light squeeze.
"Now, just wait a minute!" said Skipper, grabbing the wrong end of the stick entirely.
"Master stay here. Kalani return with special treat."
The castaways watched the Matobi girl skip across the clearing to the Supply Hut. She seemed overly excited about something, and they wondered what it could be.
"You know, for a moment there, I thought..." began the Skipper, but on seeing Gilligan's look of bafflement, he decided against going further. "Never mind."
"Where is Mary Ann, anyway? I thought she was bringing our dessert," said Mr. Howell.
"I believe she's doing the dishes," said the Professor.
"She works awfully hard, that poor girl," said Mrs. Howell, to which everyone agreed, but everyone stayed put.
After a few moments of murmured conversation about how hard Mary Ann worked, the castaways looked up to see Kalani returning from the Supply Hut with something held in her hands and a huge smile on her face. When she got to the table she placed in front of Gilligan the biggest, fluffiest, most sweetest smelling coconut crème pie they had ever seen.
"Kalani make pie for Master. Kalani knows pie is Master's favourite!"
Everyone's eyes almost fell out of their heads.
Especially Gilligan's.
"Oh, my Gosh!" he exclaimed, loudly. "Now that's what I call a pie!"
The pie sat tantalisingly in front of them all, its mountains of whipped cream glistening in fluffy peaks, the sweet scent of warm coconut and pastry assailing all their senses, making their mouths water.
"It's magnificent!" the Skipper breathed.
"It's a work of art!" said the Professor.
"And it's mine!" grinned Gilligan as Kalani tucked a napkin into his collar and picked up a fork, ready to feed him.
"What's going on here?" came a sudden cry from across the clearing. Mary Ann had returned from toiling over the dishes on her own. Her eyes landed on the huge coconut crème pie and the air froze as every single castaway except Kalani and Gilligan turned and stared at her, wondering what was going to happen next.
"Where did that pie come from?" Mary Ann asked in a shrill voice, pointing accusingly at the offending dessert with her arm held straight out like the sword of justice.
"Kalani make pie for Gilligan," said the Matobi girl, leaning almost protectively into Gilligan's side.
Mary Ann strode forward, muttering darkly under her breath. "That's where you're wrong. Only Mary Ann makes pie for Gilligan!"
The castaways parted like the Red Sea as Mary Ann approached the table. Even the Skipper stood up and retreated, his big face lined with worry.
"Isn't it the swellest pie you ever saw, Mary Ann?" So entranced was Gilligan by the enormous pie sitting in front of him that he seemed oblivious to the thunderous expression she was wearing. "Kalani sure did a great job! It can't be easy doing chores all day and then making pies for me as well. I sure am a lucky guy!"
Mary Ann smiled her sweetest smile and reached for the pie with shaking hands. "It certainly is a lovely pie, Gilligan. Mind if I take a closer look?"
"Go ahead," said Gilligan, although he appeared a little dubious as he watched Mary Ann lift the pie carefully from the table. After all, he hadn't even tasted it yet.
"My, it certainly is beautiful!" Mary Ann turned the pie in her hands, gazing at it with awe. "It must have taken you a long time to prepare, Kalani!"
Kalani smiled. "It take long time, but Master only deserve the best." She looked lovingly at Gilligan, who was almost whimpering as he stared hungrily at the pie, his fingers twitching, eager to get started on it.
"Yes, he does deserve the best," Mary Ann agreed. And promptly thrust the pie into Kalani's face.
"Oops!" she said. "How clumsy of me!"
"My pie!" wailed Gilligan as Kalani staggered backwards under the force of the hit, her entire face hidden behind a mess of crumbling pastry. "My precious pie!"
The other castaways gasped in horror as the Matobi girl clawed lumps of pie out of her eyes and flicked them outwards. More lumps of pie fell from her face and landed in big splodges of pastry and whipped cream onto the sand while Gilligan tried vainly to catch them and shovel them into his mouth before the whole beautiful concoction was completely wasted. Kalani's glossy mane of hair was now matted with coconut crème filling, her face smeared with globs of pie, her features almost unrecognisable. She blinked her eyes and gasped for air, still not quite realising what had happened.
And then she fixed those dark, almond eyes on Mary Ann and let out a high pitched yell, lunging for the farm girl like a Matobi warrior.
The castaways scattered in all directions as the two girls grabbed fistfuls of each other's clothing and began to wrestle, kicking and pulling and scratching and clawing, each of them shrieking like a demented cat. The Skipper edged forward and then thought better of it as a Matobi foot lashed out towards him. The Professor made an attempt, and he too darted aside as an array of sharp Kansan fingernails raked through the air in front of his face.
"Thurston! Don't just stand there, do something!" cried Mrs. Howell, clutching at her pearls.
"I am doing something. I'm working out the odds!" said Mr. Howell. "In the meantime, my money's on Kalani!"
"Thurston, how could you!"
"You're right, my dear, I shouldn't gamble."
"No, you shouldn't put your money on Gilligan's slave girl! I vote for Mary Ann to win!"
Mr. Howell rolled his eyes. "All right, Lovey, if you insist, I shall back our dear Mary Ann. Anyone else care to have a wager?" he asked, as Mary Ann and Kalani continued to fight and shriek in the middle of the clearing.
"Mr. Howell, this is no time to run a betting ring!" said the Skipper, waving his arms in a helpless panic. "Mary Ann's in trouble!"
"Mary Ann's in trouble? Then my money's back on Kalani," Mr. Howell joked.
"Imagine it!" said the Professor, shaking his head in disbelief. "Two otherwise sane and rational women fighting over Gilligan!"
The Skipper glanced at the Professor, thought about what he'd said, then sighed theatrically. "How does my little buddy do it?" he wailed. "I've never had two women fighting over me!"
"There, there Skipper, I'm sure your time will come," Ginger soothed, patting the big man's arm.
"Thank you, Ginger," the Skipper sniffed. "I hope so."
Kalani made a grab for one of Mary Ann's pigtails and the ribbon came loose in her hand. Mary Ann responded by pulling on Kalani's long, dark tresses but the sticky pie residue meant the hair slid straight through her fingers. Kalani broke free and head butted Mary Ann in the stomach. Mary Ann reached down over Kalani's back, grabbed the waistband of her underwear and pulled hard, giving the Matobi girl a painful wedgie. Kalani screeched and whirled away from Mary Ann, full of indignation.
"I'm sick of 'Master' this, and 'Master' that!" Mary Ann shouted, red-faced and glistening. "He's not your Master! He's our Gilligan, and he's my friend, and I'm the one who makes his pies!"
"I knew it! This is all my fault!" cried Gilligan in despair. He stuck his arms out and waded right into the middle of the scuffle, where he was immediately slapped hard across the face with the flat sole of a leather sandal. The sound reverberated across the clearing and made every castaway wince and automatically rub their own cheeks.
"Oh, Master! Master!" cried a horrified Kalani. "Kalani not mean to hit you! Mean to hit Pie Lady!"
Gilligan blinked. Spots danced briefly before his eyes. "That's okay, Kalani," he smiled, whirling around to face Mary Ann, who slapped him hard across his other cheek with a ballet pump.
"Oh, Gilligan!" she cried, "I'm sorry! That wasn't meant for you, it was meant for that Matobi witch!"
Gilligan staggered out of the melee with both sides of his face throbbing and tingling while the girls carried on tussling as though he'd never even been there in the first place. He fell down into a chair and pressed his hands against his jaw, hoping that he still had all his teeth. Who knew that a girl fight could be so rough? He didn't know whether to be scared or impressed.
In due course however, the two girls slowly began to run out of steam. Their kicks and swings became haphazard and half-hearted, their breathless gasps audible to all. They had displaced enough sand and ruined enough of each other's hair and clothing. Mary Ann's ribbons and one of Kalani's sandals had ended up in a nearby tree. Both girls were covered in pie and sand. Mary Ann's mascara had run everywhere and made her look like a psychotic panda. Finally they weren't so much fighting as holding each other up. It was then that Gilligan tried again, inserting himself between them and gently prising them apart.
Both girls were sniffing and hiccuping and it took a moment for Gilligan to realise they were both crying. Immediately out of his depth, he looked helplessly at the Skipper, who came over at once to help him out, closely followed by Ginger.
"Come here, Mary Ann," said the movie star, holding her arms out towards the farm girl. "I've got you."
"No!" said Gilligan, putting himself in her way. "I mean, it's okay, Ginger. I can take care of Mary Ann. You and Skipper can look after Kalani."
Ginger stepped back, her arms hovering in mid-air. "Are you sure, Gilligan? You should stay with Kalani. You're her Master, after all."
"Sure I'm sure. I'm staying with Mary Ann. You just make sure Kalani's okay until I get back." Gilligan's expression brooked no argument. His blue-green eyes looked at Ginger with an intensity the movie star had never seen before.
"All right, Gilligan," Ginger nodded. "Have it your way."
Kalani was sobbing loudly into the Skipper's beefy chest while the big man held her and tried to calm her down. Kalani was on their territory. She was a stranger to them, a stranger who came from a fiercely protective culture, but after three years of living on the island, the castaways were just as fiercely protective as any native tribe. Kalani may not have been shipwrecked with them on the Minnow, but she was stranded just as they were, away from the customs of her own people and there was no reason for them not to comfort her just as they would comfort each other when things went horribly wrong.
While the other castaways fussed over Kalani, Gilligan took Mary Ann by the arm and led her away from the clearing, away from the huts, away from all reminders of screaming native girls and broken pies. They walked a little way in a slightly uncomfortable silence along one of the jungle paths, listening to the soft chirruping of crickets. And then Mary Ann stopped and turned to Gilligan, her tear-and-mascara stained cheeks glowing faintly in the weak moonlight.
"I'm sorry, Gilligan," she said.
"No. I'm sorry, Mary Ann," Gilligan replied.
"What do you have to be sorry for? I'm the one who ruined your pie!" Mary Ann sniffed loudly and wetly. Gilligan pulled a handkerchief out of his back pocket and handed it to her.
"Don't worry about that," he said, his thoughts returning briefly to the destroyed pie as she blew her nose with a trumpet that sounded like a baby elephant with blocked sinuses. "Besides, I tasted it. I caught some as it fell off Kalani's face. It really wasn't as good as yours. It was just a little too sweet."
"You're just saying that," Mary Ann said, nasally. "But anyway, even if it's true, she spent a lot of time on it and I ruined it. I wouldn't like it if someone did that to one of mine."
Gilligan laughed, gently. His eyes teased her. "Mary Ann, your pies get thrown all the time!"
Mary Ann thought about that for a moment and then she laughed, too, a little laugh with a hiccup in the middle. "Yes, you're right, Gilligan. They do get thrown all the time. And what do I do? I just make more." She wiped her nose one more time and then gave the handkerchief back to Gilligan, who ignored the fact that it was all wet and shoved it back into his pocket. "I'm so embarrassed, fighting like that," she confessed. "What must everyone think of me?"
"I know what I think of you," Gilligan said. "I think you've got a pretty sharp left hook."
"Oh, yes, the shoe. Oh, Gilligan, I'm sorry about that, too!"
"It stung more than anything," he shrugged. "Look- I've still got all my teeth and both of my eyes." He opened his mouth wide and crossed his eyes at the same time, causing Mary Ann to swat his arm and tell him that if the wind changed direction his face would stay like that. Then she turned serious again and Gilligan let his face return to normal.
"Back on the farm we looked down on people who brawled in public," she sighed. "But now I guess I can see how it happens. That pie was the last straw. I just wanted to wipe that smile off Kalani's face for thinking you somehow belonged to her."
"Well, you don't have to worry about that either, Mary Ann. I don't understand her culture, but I can tell you one thing. I don't belong to anybody, and nobody belongs to me. And I'm not anybody's Master, whatever she says. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I promise you the only person who sees me as Kalani's Master is Kalani. And I sure hope something comes along soon to stop me being her Master, because I don't know how much longer I can take it either."
Mary Ann reached out and put her hands gently on Gilligan's chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breathing. She pretended she was straightening his collar, tweaking the creases out of his shirt. She knew that Ginger had been wrong. Gilligan wasn't enjoying any of this at all. And if he knew what Kalani had told her, that Matobi girls sometimes married their Masters if they were good and kind to them, he'd like it even less. She knew it was something she would never tell him. "You're the only one who could have gotten into this mess, Gilligan," she told him with a sad little smile. "This could never have happened to anyone else."
"I guess not," Gilligan agreed. "The only trouble is, who's going to get me out of it?" He looked down at her hands, then tentatively he put his own hands over them. Her fingers were sticky with remnants of pie and he smiled too, to show her that he was okay.
Mary Ann looked up at him. Kalani was right about one thing. He did have a kind face. He did have gentle eyes. He would make a good husband, and one day he would make good babies. She only had to look at him to know this. "You know you can count on me, Gilligan," she whispered. "Me, and the Skipper, and Ginger, and the Professor, and Mr. and Mrs. Howell. We'll all fight your corner, whatever happens. Even if a whole tribe of Matobi warriors turns up. We'll fight your corner and we'll battle them all!"
"I know you will, Mary Ann." Gilligan sighed and Mary Ann moved closer and he rested his chin on the top of her head. "I know you will."
oOoOoOo
When they returned to the huts, Kalani was sitting at the table waiting for Gilligan with the other castaways milling around nearby. She looked small and solemn. She had washed some of the pie from her face but her hair was still sticking up in clumps. At the sight of Gilligan she got up quickly, her features contorted with fear and worry. "Is Master angry with Kalani?" she asked, her voice trembling.
Gilligan shook his head vehemently. "No, of course not! I'm never angry with Kalani. In fact, I'm so happy that Kalani is such a brave warrior!"
Kalani stared at him, at his beaming grin, as though she couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. Maybe some pie had got stuck in her ear. But then she realised he was being truthful, and she got down on her knees and bowed low at Gilligan's feet, the way she had done on the day that she was rescued.
"Gilligan is good to Kalani," she announced in a voice of breathless adoration. "Gilligan is best Master that Matobi girl could ever want!"
Gilligan glanced at Mary Ann as the Matobi girl got to her feet and wound her arms through his, smiling up at him with shining eyes as though the fight had never occurred, despite the fact that she was still covered in sticky, sweet smelling pie. "Come on Kalani," he said, with a sigh. "You look like you could do with a bath yourself."
"Kalani have bath if Master let Kalani play with boats," the Matobi girl giggled.
Gilligan shot a glance over his shoulder at Mary Ann as he and Kalani both began walking away towards the hut. The glance told her not to worry. He had told her how he felt, and she believed him. There's nothing going on, not now or ever. She shook her head in resignment, smiling to herself as she watched him nodding and humouring the Matobi girl, who was now chatting away like a little girl about boats and baths and submarines and who knew what else. Kalani was already over the fight and happy to have her Master back where he belonged, according to the traditions of her people.
Mary Ann had no idea how long the Kalani situation was going to last, but she knew there was one thing she could be certain of. Even if Kalani stayed with them forever, even if Matobi tradition meant that Kalani and Gilligan were bound to each other for life, Gilligan had told her there was only one girl whose pies he would always come home for.
And that girl was Mary Ann Summers.
The End