"Shouldn't you be getting back to your boyfriend?"
Justin folded into himself against the cold night. He should be getting back to his boyfriend. On this cold, windy night he should be rushing back.
But he wasn't. He walked slowly, almost ambling. If it took him another two hours to walk to Ethan's place, Justin wouldn't really mind it.
It was Brian. It would always be Brian. As he had dropped everything to run and help Brian, to somehow make sure that Brian would be alright, he realized it. A million Ethan's could walk into his life, but his heart would always beat for Brian.
He loved Ethan. He truly did. Ethan was everything he had ever wanted in a boyfriend. He said all the right things, did all the right things – Justin knew that he should be on top of the world. And Ethan did make him happy. Breakfast in bed, chocolates and flowers and moonlit dinners…Ethan made him feel valued. Ethan made him feel special.
But everyday resembled a Hallmark card. Justin was beginning to wonder that he had traded one extreme for the other. He had no doubt that Ethan was in love with him. But Justin was no longer the fool who had walked out of the Rage party to make a point. Ethan was in love with him, because Ethan idealized him. He thought that Justin and their relationship was uniquely special, and he was blind to all Justin's faults and imperfections. This had made Justin feel valued and special, but thing about growing up was that you grew out of illusions. Being idealized and being loved were two very different things.
Maybe he was even in love with Ethan too – in love in the puppy love sense, where the candy hearts and chocolates and flowers meant more than real conversation and truth and honesty.
He had loved Brian with every fiber of his being. He still loved Brian. He would go on loving Brian. Because loving, unlike just being in love, meant connecting with the other person, understanding him, and wanting to be with him for who he was, not who you imagined him to be. Justin's problem with Brian had never been who Brian was; it was what he had meant to Brian. Brian had made him feel alive.
With Ethan, it was all flowers, teddy bears and candy hearts. With Brian, it was about selflessness and the ability to care. It was about giving. He could be in a relationship with Ethan – with a hundred Ethans – but if Brian needed him, that's where he would be.
He had fallen in love with Ethan early on, when they barely knew each other. Justin knew - once time passed and they learnt more about each other and the initial love buzz passed, the problems and fights would start. And then they would eventually break up and ten years from now they probably wouldn't even remember each other's names.
He'd go to Ethan tonight. He'd keep on going to Ethan, keep on waking up to a daily ritual of Valentine Days.
But Justin knew. He yearned for someone else. And all the candy hearts in the world wouldn't be able to change that.