Don't Close Your Eyes

Chapter I: The End Where We Begin

I remember our first night together vividly…

Hiei had decided to stay in Makai with Mukuro at the close of the Demon World Tournament. And though I would never peg the little bastard hiyoukai as one to fall in love, there was something about the way he carried himself around the sole female Lord of the Makai that downright puzzled me. Frankly, I was sure that Hiei's choice to stay behind wasn't based on romantic interest; the vibes between he and Mukuro may have been tense, and I'm pretty sure they shared something more than I ever hope to (or even want to) understand, but Hiei was not in love with the demon Lord. I knew that Hiei's had been a simple decision. He had detested Ningenkai from the very beginning, and now, free from Koenma's rule, it was obvious that he would return to his preferred realm.

Kurama, I thought, had taken the news well. For the longest time, I sensed there may have been a thingbetween the cunning fox and the little bastard hiyoukai. Of course, because I was never really that interested in finding out one way or the other, I never really broached the subject with either of them. Really, it didn't so much matter with whom they chose to do what. They were reliable partners to have at my back in a fight and, though Hiei would never admit as much, loyal friends. Nothing beyond that mattered. And when Kurama took such a nonchalant stance at the news of Hiei's departure, I assumed the suppositions I had made about the two of them were wrong – chalked up the feeling to the knowledge that they had known and fought with each other far longer than with the rest of our pell-mell entourage and therefore were just more in tune with each other. Or something. Either way, when Kurama seemed so perfectly unaffected by the news, I berated myself for over-thinking and grossly over-imagining things about the two of them, and left it alone.

When Kurama approached me at the end of that sad day, I didn't really think too much about it. Even though I had over-imagined Kurama's relationship with the ill-tempered bastard, they had still been close friends and teammates. No doubt Kurama was feeling a little depressed at the loss of one of his companions. I suggested we go for a final stroll around the neglected, barren wasteland that was Makai before our departure in the morning.

As we wandered aimlessly across the dank landscape, the horizon blazing behind us as the torturous, demon sun set itself to slumber, we talked of Hiei: of how he had met Kurama and was hard-pressed to believe the little red-headed human was Youko, the Makai Thief of Legend; how Kurama handily proved himself to be that very entity; of years later when Hiei came to him again with the proposition of robbing Reikai blind, of breaking into the King's Vault, and stealing three certain artifacts; of their strained contract with Koenma to clean their slates and the grueling rebuilding of trust between them as they worked through what Hiei felt of as treachery from their last encounter…

And as the night wore on, the sky ever-darkening, we came to stop to rest atop a lone, rough stone outcropping that gaped viciously from the cracked earth. I learned that the thing I had assumed about my two comrades wasn't so far removed from the truth.

Kurama explained that, in Makai, things were glaringly different. He likened relations between demons to be mostly like the outlawed practice of polygamy in the Human World. He acquiesced that while monogamy did exist in the Demon Realm, it was far more likely that a dominant being – and here he clarified that to mean male, female or 'other' (because much to my displeasure I learned that, sometimes you just can't make a distinction) – simply took up several 'mates' because instinct dictates that survival is based on one's progeny. And so, to put it bluntly, he had said, whoring existed with frightening regularity, and was born out of necessity. He explained that really, monogamy was a luxury that humanity, in its civilized period of quiet, could afford and Makai could not.

He went on to explain that, though he knew this was simply how the Makai was, in his years among the humans, and thanks largely to the love and devotion his mother had shown to his late father, he had come to prefer humanity's approach. And Hiei, particularly as a dominant type in his own right, preferred the methodology he had grown up knowing.

I remember shifting rather awkwardly in my seat on the jagged rock to face Kurama at the close of his explanation, and I remember the awkward stutter in my voice as I found the nerve to ask the question that would either confirm or deny my thoughts about the two of them. Kurama, for his part, was neither shocked nor repulsed by the question, which I was thankful for. In fact, his emerald eyes were startlingly clear in the dark night as they regarded me and my intrusive question. I remember the silence that quivered heavily between us for a long, painful moment as those somber eyes regarded me; remember feeling ashamed for having asked such a personal question of my friend – after all, what did it really matter what the answer was? But after a sudden moment, Kurama blinked and shook his head, and I remember even that as having been a subdued action. But he must not have felt the question to be a threat, because he answered it plainly, and the raw honesty in his voice stirred something deep within me.

Yes, Kurama, admitted – he and Hiei had indeed had relations. He spared me a telling of the more intimate details, for which I was thankful. But again, yes, they had had the thing that I had been guessing at. He also wanted to clarify, before he went further (if I wished him to, at all), that he was not ashamed of this fact.I remember feeling stung by this admission, hurt that he felt he needed to say as much, like I would be one to judge him. But I just nodded silently in the dark, the revelation not really having the impact I long assumed it would.

Then, after an inquiring look he went on to say that, put it simply, he could not remain happy with the status quo. Namely, their casual thing had spawned in him actual romantic emotions towards Hiei. And when he felt he could no longer hold the truth in, he told the little bastard that he indeed had fallen in love with him. I remember feeling my heartbeat accelerate as he came to this point in his story, because I could already see where it was going, and sure enough he continued that Hiei had ridiculed him, accused him of losing his true identity within the mottled coils of his human robe, and fled.

I remember not being surprised by this, and Kurama admitted the same, saying he had expected no less of Hiei, really. But he felt that he owed the hiyoukai the truth, and felt he could no longer continue lying to himself. And here is where I remember thinking the story should be over – that Hiei's flight however long ago that night was, was the reason for the mixed signals I got from the two of them, was the reason behind my assumptions. It even explained why Kurama had handled his departure so nondescriptly. But Kurama surprised me by asking softly if I would like to hear how this doomed love story ended (his words, not mine), and I remember nodding without a word and laying a hand bracingly on his shoulder. I remember his sigh because it was a physical thing that I felt in my own core; felt how it was ripped from his very being, and how he sagged against the rough rock for support before finishing his story as it left his lips.

After a few weeks of painful silence, Hiei returned to him, showed up at his window, a shadow in the night, and asked to again share his bed. Kurama admitted reluctance at first – he certainly knew it wasn't any particular feeling of love that had brought Hiei back to him. He couldn't quite fool himself into believing so obvious a lie. But he couldn't deny a carnal craving, a longing for the little hiyoukai's touch. So he relented. And for a while— he admitted to me quietly, sounding utterly defeated— he was content again with their tryst.

But as these things tend to go, he added, his feelings had far from died out for the little demon and the nights became increasingly painful for him to bear. So he again approached Hiei with his true feelings, and was again rejected. At this point he put an end to their nights together; he told Hiei he could not carry on in this manner if there was no mutual affection shared. It simply hurt too much. Then he laughed— and I remember it being so painful a sound that it elicited a wince from me as he continued his sordid tale. Apparently, the very following evening, Hiei showed up again to tell him explicitly that he was sorry for causing Kurama any pain. The truth was that he harbored feelings for Kurama, too, but he just didn't know what to make of them.

Here, Kurama stopped, his voice steeped in pain and I remember telling him it was okay to just 'let it out', whatever that might mean to someone like him, but he just shook his head. He said he wouldn't regale me with tales of his stupidity in accepting Hiei again. But he would finish his story, if I didn't mind, if only because he needed to get it out and he needed someone to hear it and validate that his emotions weren't quite so astounding. I remember not quite knowing how to respond to that and just waiting quietly, ignoring the growing discomfort I felt at being seated for so long on the uncomfortable rock. He smiled thanks at me, but it was a feeble smile, and started the final chapter of his story…

Everything he had just explained to me culminated this very evening, he explained quietly. When he had heard of Hiei's decision to remain in Makai it had been hearsay. He had gone to find the little demon himself for an answer. And Hiei had given him one. He said that yes, he had decided to remain in Makai, that it was right for him, and that he was sick and tired of the Human World and all its curious ways. He paused to sigh again, once more shaking his head, and I think I remember hearing him mutter something under his breath before adding that he stupidly asked Hiei to stay.

I remember hearing how his voice caught as he said the words, when he asked Hiei if, why if he loved him, he would leave him, when he knew he could not leave his human mother, his human life, so easily. Why, if he loved him, could he not endure the Human World a few short decades longer until all remnants of his human life had faded into nonexistence? I remember feeling nauseous at this point, utterly sick with seeing Kurama's pain so clearly, and I remember feeling him flinch as I clenched my fingers against his shoulder and whispered something indiscernible that may have been apologetic – that much I don't remember.

He went on saying that Hiei's decision wasn't the thing that hurt so much. Because really, he admitted with a hollow laugh, Hiei did not belong in our World. And they both knew it. We all did. The thing that stung, and here he moaned softly, as though reliving it caused within him some deep, visceral pain, was that Hiei had told him he had gone soft. Then, he admitted to having lied about his feelings for Kurama. He said that the only reason he came back, the whole reason he had lied, was because he knew it was the only way to keep someone as aged-old and powerful as Youko in his bed. The fact that his age meant he was 'good in the sack' (again, his words – not mine), was just a perk. The fact that Kurama so easily bought into his tale of confused feelings only went to show how far he had sunk in his humanity, how much of a disgrace he had become to his demonic heritage. The last thing he said before walking out on the conversation was "You make me sick," and then he was gone. And later that evening, as we were all assembled to bid him farewell— he admitted with a harsh, biting sort laugh, the kind of yelp a wounded animal might make— it was a matter of showing Hiei that he was stronger than he had been accused that he could stand there and indifferently say good-bye.

And then there was silence. Kurama just sat there, rigid, his form as stoic as the rock we sat upon, his hair the only vibrant thing to stand out at all as it danced, bloody crimson in Demon World's suffocating, dark night on the stale breeze. It's not that I expected he would burst into tears or anything so dramatic, because he is far too graceful for such a display, but that he remained so unmoved after his story… it was unnerving. I remember giving his a gentle shake with the hand I still had clasped around his shoulder, remember how the simple act seemed to rouse him back into himself, seemed to pull him from out of the recesses his mind had sunk into.

He smiled at me softly, and it was feeble, and his eyes were soft in the darkness. I felt his shoulder slacken beneath my hand as he exhaled shakily and apologized for having kept me so long. I remember assuring him that it wasn't any problem at all, that I was good to talk whenever he needed an ear, but I don't know if I perhaps just didn't sound convincing or if he really just thought so little of our friendship that he seemed in doubt. He thanked me in his graceful way, and it was almost like he was normal. Except his tone was flat, his expression too placid. And I remember that as he stood to leave I felt anger so unexpectedly vicious spiral up inside me that it sent me to my feet after him and I grabbed him by the arm roughly and spun him around.

He seemed slightly started as he spun to face me, and I remember a dull swelling of pride at having caught the famous Thief off-guard, but it was quickly replaced by the anger that surged in me. Even as he stared into my face, glancing slightly down because he does have a few inches on me, his eyes radiated nothing but emerald neutrality. I remember glaring up at him and asking what his problem was; remember practically screaming in his face in an attempt to elicit a more powerful emotion out of him. He just bit his lower lip, regarded me for a moment, and told me plaintively, "You are just like him."

I remember stopping cold at this statement, the velveteen caress of his voice washing across me chased by the acrid sting of the accusation I felt in the words. Even then, as my eyes met his in anger, he only regarded me with mild interest. And though I remember this – remember it quite vividly – I still cannot say what made me do it. Perhaps it was reckless impulsivity on my part – Enma knows I'm known for acting without thinking. Perhaps it was a sudden need to disprove his words; prove instead that I was far better than he who he was accusing me of being like. But I grabbed him roughly by the neck of his tunic, saw him flinch as I pulled at the hairs grown long at his temples as they twined between my angrily clenched fingers and the fine material of his shirt. I remember words forming on my tongue, though I cannot now remember what those words had been, only remember wanting to spit them in his pale face.

But before I could get the words out, I felt his hands on either side of my face, his palms surprisingly soft and cool against my anger-heated flesh as he cradled my face between them. Battling confusion, I tried to make sense of the words scattered now on my tongue, willed them to coalesce into some solid sort of protest, but everything sort of just got lost. Then he kissed me, softly, between the eyes and whispered against my skin "It's okay." I remember releasing him at this, having been utterly confused, because, really? What the hell? It was a single fraction of a second, that soft, slightly moist contact of flesh on flesh, but it centered me somewhere, deep down. Because for a moment, I was left completely and utterly paralyzed and he used this time to move away from me, turn, and walk away. I remember watching him go and still not being entirely sure of what had happened but knowing suddenly, irrevocably, that something in our dynamic had changed, if only because I had determined at that moment to prove to him, somehow, that first: I wasn't Hiei, but that I was better than that, and second: that it wasn't okay… Whatever 'it' was...

Standard Disclaimer: All Yu Yu Hakusho characters are sole and exclusive property of Yoshihiro Togashi, FUNimation, and all other title holders. These DO NOT include me; I make no money from the nonsensical scribbles.

Author's Ramblings: If I have any faithful fans left, you will know that yes, I've been gone for this site for an exceedingly long period of time. I cannot even promise that I will be back with any real regularity - however this story (which should have around 2 more chapters, and at least 1 more) should be finished, at latest by mid January. I've got the whole premise, I just didn't want to overdo it by writing too much when I've been gone so long. Realistically, I'm not to pleased with this; I think it reads rather messily in certain places. Still, I hope I've at least still got the feel or 'voice' of the characters somewhat down. Please, please, PLEASE let me know in the form off a review or something, as I could really use the feedback. Otherwise, Enjoi!

Thanks,

Blackrose Kitsune