Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or the characters, I do however own my brain, and the sick thoughts that roam within, but they brought you this story, so enjoy!

Buff the Banana
touttoi.

Summary: The wedding is nearing and Edward is loosening the physical boundaries of their relationship. It's good, but it leaves Bella frustrated and her wondering if Edward ever... Buffs the Banana. ONESHOT

Edward had just returned from three day hunting trip. I heard the knock and ran to my front door opening it as fast as I could. His eyes, the deepest colour of topaz, almost knocked me off my feet. But thankfully by the time my human eyes had time to register their colour Edward already had his arms around me ready to catch me.

Isn't he smart?

He bent his head and kissed me. Edward had been moving the barriers of our intimacy. Ok, well he was still a prude, I mean he was still a gentleman, but I could feel him becoming more relaxed.

And I loved it.

He still pulled away but on numerous occasions I seriously had to consider the option of him not. Of course there would be no objections on my part.

It was wonderful.

But it also frustrated me greatly.

My back was now pressed against the wall and Edward was pressed against me.

Thank God Charlie wasn't home.

Edward's mouth trailed down my neck whilst I gasped for air.

"I missed you," I uttered drinking in the air that contained Edward's scent. My fingers were tugging on his hair trying to drag his mouth away from my collarbone back to my lips.

His tongue swirled up my neck, "I missed you too." He said breathless. I always felt chuffed that I could do this to him. I could make him feel breathless when he didn't even need to breathe.

Finally his lips found mine again. His hands were on my hips and he was gently moving his thumbs in circles. I locked my arms around his neck in hope to both hold his face to mine and support myself in case my legs gave way.

And they did. When he ran his cold tongue against my bottom lip my mouth automatically granted him entrance and my legs became useless lumps of jelly.

This was one of those new barriers in which he had removed.

I held on tight while his tongue swirled with mine but soon I knew he would pull away.

And as predictable as ever he pulled away. He rested his forehead against mine panting as he tried to regain his breath. I tried to regain mine too, but his air only confused my senses more.

"Hello love," Edward said.

"Hey," I said shakily opening my eyes to look into his.

Edward was smiling and his eyes were deliriously happy. He was always like this after one of our more relaxed sessions. He was proud of himself, and I was proud of him. He hadn't actually touched the girls yet but the day when he let his hands rest on my ribs, his fingers brushing against the underwire of my bra, he was like a kid on Christmas morning.

Have I said I love it?

"How was hunting?" I asked as I tested the limit of weight my legs were going to take. They were still shaking a little but I could walk... hopefully.

"It was good, I found a couple of mountain lions, so all was well." He ran his nose along my neck.

"That's good," I stammered.

"Would you like to come over to my place?" He asked his head still buried in my neck. "Emmett's said he missed you, so we don't have to go." He chuckled.

Emmett probably missed the entertainment he got from me, "No, its fine, we can go." He straightened up and my body missed the contact immediately. "Can I have a human moment first?" He nodded and gave me a quick kissed before I wobbled out of the room.

I went into the bathroom. My face was red, my lips swollen, but there was a silly smile on my face. I straightened my shirt and ran my fingers through my hair. My face was still red so I splashed some water on it to cool it down.

Don't get me wrong, I loved, loved, Edward's new lease on life, but they always left me flustered... and frustrated.

I quickly chanced a glance at the shower but shook my head to dispel any of those thoughts. There wasn't enough time and Edward was in my kitchen.

Because Edward had become more relaxed in our physical relationship I decided to give a little too and become more adventurous.

Yes, it embarrassed the shit out of me but I reasoned that I was doing it for the sake of my relationship. If Edward was working towards being more relaxed I should try to make him as comfortable as possible. We would achieve nothing if I kept pushing him into a sexual relationship with me.

So with 13 days, 7 hours and 12 minutes until he will let go completely I turned to, uh, myself.

And with the cold water tap on full blast it feels so familiar and, ok, stop. This isn't helping. I wet my face again, but with warm water, trying to rid myself of any cold thoughts.

I turned off the tap and opened the door. I wonder if Edward ever... I froze. I wanted to hit myself for thinking that way. It isn't lady like, what he does in his shower is his own business.

I walked out into the kitchen where Edward was waiting.

"Do you want to grab a banana for the road?" I stopped mid walk frozen looking at Edward holding the banana. I could feel the heat rising in my face and I just hoped he couldn't tell. He could – who was I kidding 'couldn't tell' he could freekin' feel it – and he looked at me quizzically. "I'm not sure how good the food will be at our place," He continued studying my face trying to pin point the thing that made me flush, "Since no one's touched it in three days."

I just shook my head. I'm sure in this state of mind my brain would connect anything with that.

"Ok," Edward said still unsure of me, "Let's go?" He asked and I took his hand and we walked out to the Volvo.

We hadn't said much since the house. I'm sure Edward was trying to figure out the source of my embarrassment and I was trying not to think of it.

It's none of my business. But you're his fiancée. Edward would tell me if he wanted me to know. He's a prude, he wouldn't tell you.

That stupid little voice was trying to reason with me, but I needed to put my foot down. "Look," I said to the voice inside my head, "I don't care if Edward buffs the banana!"

Silence.

"You don't care if I what? If I buff the banana?" Edward was looking at me. My eyes widened horrified. I thought I said that in my head.

"Did I say something?" I asked.

He nodded, "I don't care if Edward buffs the banana." He repeated. I blushed deeper. "What on earth does that mean Bella?" He asked still looking at me.

"Uh, don't you want to, uh, you know, look at the road while you are driving?" I asked hoping to distract him.

He only gave me a look which said no. We'd had this conversation numerous times, about how it made me uncomfortable to know no one was watching the road. I'd hoped that maybe we could drive down that road again. I suppose not.

"Buff the banana." Edward repeated. It wasn't terminology that was used in the 1900's so he wouldn't know what it meant. That was a plus. He was stubborn and always trying to get inside my head - that was a minus. Basically I was screwed.

"Yeah," I said quietly, "You know, buff the banana." He shook his head, "Choke the chicken?" He shook his head, "Uh, butter the corn; paint the pickle?" I asked in hope that he would realise what I was saying and end this.

"Bella, I don't eat food," He said bluntly, "And this all seems like strange things to do with food even for a human." He said wandering into his thoughts.

Frustrated I hit my head against the car seat. "Would you ever consider just pretending like this never happened?" I asked.

He smirked, almost as if he was enjoying my embarrassment, "No." He said firmly.

"Fine," I said looking him dead in the eye. I should be worried that neither of us was looking at the road but my stubbornness decided to play a little game with Edward.

"I was wondering," I said slowly, "If you ever polished your sword?" He looked at me. His face was blank. For all that is holy. That man had two medical degrees and he didn't know the euphemisms of masturbate!

"Haven't you ever tickled Elmo?"

"The puppet on Sesame Street?"

I groaned in frustration, "Ever fired the cannon?"

He looked confused, "No," He said slowly, he was getting it! "But Jasper has." My face fell into utter disgust. "During the war?" He said trying to understand why I was looking at him like I was, "Cannons, they kill people?" He asked slowly to see if I understood him.

I sighed and let out a small laugh. I was relieved that he wasn't telling me those kinds of details but still annoyed at his naivety.

I shook my head, "No Edward, not that cannon, I meant, do you ever raise the flag? Pitch the tent?"

We pulled up in front of his house and he was round in a heartbeat helping me out of the car. We walked up the porch steps and I watched him; he opened his mouth, probably to answer my question with complete innocence.

I shook my head, "Edward, come on, shake it once it's fine, shake it twice its ok, shake it three times..." I half sung but stopped as we walked into the house. Emmett and Jasper were watching a movie.

"Shhwing," came from the TV.

"Shhwing," Emmett and Jasper stood up and demonstrated. I laughed at the timing.

"Edward," I looked him dead in to eyes, "Shhwing?" I raised my eyebrow in question.

He gave me a confused look. "Let's go to your room?" I suggested.

"Bella, will you just tell me what you are talking about, you've been suggestive all morning."

"Edward, you're just blunt, I've been asking if you..." I started with full intentions to just come right out and say it.

"Dance with the one eyed sailor?" Emmett voice boomed from the living room.

"Make the bald man cry?" Jasper asked running up the stairs.

I blushed. I could feel my face turn the deepest of red since this conversation had started. I took Edward's hand and pulled him towards his room.

"Well?" I demanded. He stared at me. "How could you not get it?" I screamed.

"Pop a woody?" I begged, please; please do not make me say the text book term. I was running out, I didn't have many left, ok I had two left, maybe if I did actions too he would understand.

"The five knuckle shuffle?" I asked. I curled my hand into a loose fist and held it out to him. I only had one left and I really didn't want to do actions for it.

He was staring at my hand. I took a deep breath and said my final.

"It's just you and your hand tonight." I half sung and moved my hand up and down quickly, like I was, you know.

He froze. I could see it. His eyes stopped moving and were focused on my moving hand. I stilled my hand and placed it on his shoulder. He was usually hard – no pun intended – but I could feel that he had stopped moving, and probably thinking, completely.

"Edward." I said softly and he flinched at my voice. "You don't have to tell me." I told him. But I would still really like to know, my internal monologue continued.

"I, I, I," He stuttered.

"It's ok if you do, it is perfectly natural, and it's fine if you don't." I continued trying to make him more comfortable.

His lips moved quickly and he was looking at the door. I got up and opened it. Alice straightened herself.

"If you don't tell her I will." She told Edward, "She has a right to know." My eyes widened at those words. Maybe I didn't want to hear Edward's shower business; maybe it is safer if I never know. "It's nothing bad Bella, perfectly natural." She repeated my words.

"Fine." Edward huffed, "Yes." He answered my question. My jaw dropped and he became quiet interested in the carpet. I know it's a gorgeous colour, but he was avoiding looking at me. I quickly rearranged my features into one that looked quiet less shocked.

"That's all you're going to tell her?" Alice asked in disbelief.

"Alice." I heard him hiss.

"Nu-uh-ah," Alice chastised, "It's all good Edward, you should be proud." She said. He was still looking at the carpet and if vampires could blush he would be as red as a fire engine.

"He never used to, but then suddenly he met you and he did it." She said proudly; like a mother talking about her child's first steps, "Then, just recently actually, he begun to do it more often, I believe every time before he drops a barrier he," she giggled, "has a shower." I was embarrassed now too, and not just for Edward.

I heard a growl and Alice took that as her cue to leave. I slowly shut the door and turned to face Edward.

"Well, aren't you glad that's out in the open?" I joked and he raised his head and looked at me.

"You're fine with the fact that I, what did you say, buff the banana?" Edward laughed slightly.

"Yes, and you should be too." I smiled. "Look at all the progress you've made."

"I suppose so." He said demonstrating his progress by running his hand under my shirt up to my ribs. My breath hitched and he chuckled.

He brought his lips to mine and again demonstrated his new found progress. His fingers teasing me by running along the edges of my bra, and occasionally slipping under, but only on the sides. I wanted more.

"Hey Edward?"

"Hhm?"

"Maybe you should, you know, buff the banana?"

A/N What did you think? Completely and utterly wrong or total genius? Haha.

Can anyone name the one movie and two songs that I used? Review =D