Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. What else do you want me to say?
What was left to say? Of the multitude of never ending questions that Castle wanted answered, this was the major one. Even now, more then a week after the horrific reveal those six words were still spinning round in his brain, "I remember every second of it." Castle raised the glass to his lips letting loose a grimace as the cheap scotch burned it's way down his throat. He'd already gone through a bottle of the good stuff and he was sick of wasting quality goods on Detective Katherine Beckett. He had enough. He would be her partner in terms of solving crimes and bringing her the final closure needed for her mother's case, but the line ends there. Casting his eyes over his office he noticed the time. 2 o'clock in the morning. He told himself that tonight would be the last time that he even bothered with letting his love for Beckett to overcome him like this. Normally he would spend 5 days out of the week at the precinct but ever since he heard her accidental confession he had spent the past week 'writing' to allow him time to recover.
Castle stood up, making his way to the smart board that was still predominantly displayed and swiped his finger over the face of Kate Beckett. All the information that he had gathered over the past 10 months sprung forth. Scrubbing his hand over his face, he moved the file to the Nikki Heat section. He then opened his Nikki Heat file and proceeded to delete it. He was well aware that what he was doing was petty and pointless as he had more than a few back ups for his smart board in case of an accident but really it made him feel a little better about his situation. A shrill buzzing emitted from his phone extra loud in the quiet. Striding over to the phone he glanced at the screen. Of course it was Beckett, the one person he really wanted to avoid at this point and time. A week was no where near enough to stop him from feeling broken, no matter what he had told his mother. Picking up the phone he paused and slid the answer bar over to half way before he silenced the phone and went off to bed, already not looking forward to the nasty hangover that was bound to occur.
Laying in bed he stared at the ceiling willing his brain to stop moving. Usually having a mind that was constantly ticking over was a boon as a writer but then again during times of crisis it became more of a curse. What was wrong with him? Why did he always fall for the wrong woman? First Kyra, who moved to the other side of the world to get some space from him, then Meredith, who served him divorce papers the moment that he found out that she was cheating on him, but not before. Then there was Gina, in the beginning yeah there was feelings but really the whole marriage was more like a business arrangement, Alexis got a proper mother and Black Pawn gained a load more publicity. At least that was the idea, in real life nothing ever goes as planned. That last thought really brought him full circle, right round to the last woman that he would ever let into his heart. Clearly, with the exceptions of his mother and his daughter, there was no more point reaching out and handing his heart out to anyone. Instead of a fair exchange, he just got it thrown back at him, a little more damaged and broken every time.
A meaningless string of groupies was clearly much better for his health. At least his liver would thank him. Trying to breath through the crushing pain, Castle rolled over on his side and closed his eyes tightly resolving that this would be the very last time Beckett would affect him in this way. When he had been getting coffee yesterday, a blonde had slipped him her number. Maybe it was time to try dating again. Even if it was blatantly obvious that the blonde wasn't all that interested in 'dating' but hey he had to start somewhere. It had been over six months since he had even looked twice at anyone.
A ray of sunlight, peeked through the window shade, aimed directly at Castle's face was the first thing that woke him the next morning. The second thing was the rich, and strong smell of coffee drifting through the house. The constant ache in his head was the only remaining sign that he had been drinking the night away. Well that and the smell. Deciding that coffee could wait while he freshened up, he headed for the shower.
Stumbling out of his room Castle was greeted with the back of his daughter's head as she moved round the kitchen preparing something. Standing there rubbing his temple, Castle contemplated the only real true accomplishment that he had made. "Coffee's on the table and two tablets of Aspirin." Blinking he practically ran towards the lifesaving fluid and took a too big mouthful, burning his mouth in the process. Great, he thought, as if a broken heart and a pounding headache wasn't enough, now he had to add a burned mouth to the mixture. A soft clink alerted him to the glass of water his fantastic offspring had deposited in front of him.
Just the simple act of swallowing the Aspirin made the pounding in his head reduce the pounding slightly. Raising his head he stared at Alexis. On her face was an almost indecipherable expression- a mixture of pity, disgust and something else he couldn't quite name. Regardless of what else was going on, he really only needed a hug from his daughter before everything just went to shit. Moving round to the other side of the counter he engulfed Alexis in a embrace. Placing the side of his face on the top of her head, he mumbled, "I love you, Pumpkin." He heard Alexis give a small sigh and then melt further into his body. "Love you too daddy." Alexis hadn't used the term daddy in a few years but clearly he had fallen this far that she felt that she had to regress, not for herself but rather for his sake. Placing a kiss on the top of her head he released her.