It's Christmas time now. The first Christmas since Augustus. The first Christmas we've had a tree with no lights. They're just too awful to bear. The light's remind me of him. Every time I see a tree sparkling in colors I think of what he said. 'I lit up like a Christmas tree.'

It's probably my last Christmas, too. The Phalanxifor has stopped working, so now I'm just waiting for my heart to join the party. I've been spending a lot of time with Mom and Dad lately. I think we were just making sure that the last good day didn't go unnoticed. Mom seemed depressed, but she hid it with a smile.

I've stopped going to support group. Mom doesn't make me go anymore. She wants me to live the little time I have left how I want it. Which is mostly watching movies and reading The Price of Dawn. It is now my favorite book. I've pretty much stopped reading An Imperial Affliction, but it still sits on my bookshelf waiting to be read one last time.

Today I am going to see Isaac. I know, shocker, Hazel is going to actually leave her house! Yeah, I'm going to his house to play video games. We've been good friends since the funeral. Actually, he's the closest friend I've had in a long time. It's been nice to have a friend.

Sometimes, when I do go outside, I lay in the grass and stare at the sky. Sometimes I count the clouds or the stars, but mostly, I talk to Gus. I talk about anything and everything. Like I am now.

"Hey, Gus," I say, "It's been a while, so I figured we should catch up. Well, I thought you should know, I'm dying. Faster than before. I think I'm going to see you again soon. Maybe in a couple of days, or weeks. I'm ready to die, but the thing is I don't want to yet. I can't leave behind everyone I love. It's kind of funny, really. Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but no one wants to die.

"My lungs are as sucky as ever. And the Phalanxifor is no longer working. I'm sure you already know this, knowing you. You probably knew before I did," I laugh, "I really do miss you. I miss your smile, and your voice. Oh I miss your voice. I miss you talking to me, saying the most beautiful words. I miss you saying I love you back. But what I miss most of all is our Okay's. I know it's silly, but I miss you saying it. It was like encouragements, like you saying it's going to be alright after this is all over. But it's not, Gus. It's not okay. Not anymore."

I let my tears fall, and soon I'm sobbing. I cry, and pain begins to build in my chest. When I try to catch my breath, I can't. It's happening again. I manage to call for Mom before I loose consciousness.

My eyes flutter open and I see my parents crying. They're holding hands and Mom's holding mine. Sirens blare in the background, so I assume we're going to the hospital.

"She's awake," Dad says.

"I want-"

"What is it Hazel? What do want?" Mom asks.

"I want Augustus."

She stands up slowly, and with great difficulty considering we are in an ambulance, "Then go find him," she whispers, her tears dropping onto my face as she kissed my forehead.

I slowly closed my eyes, taking her advice.

Everything around me is white. Bright white. I'm wearing the blue dress I wore in Amsterdam and Phillip is gone. I turn around and see a square table with two chairs. But that's not the greatest part. Standing next to it was Augustus. My Augustus. He's in the same suit he wore that night. He looks just as I remember. He was smiling at me and held a bundle of tulips in his hand. I walk towards him, wondering if this was real.

After walking what seemed like a thousand miles, I was standing in front of him. I leaped forward and hugged him. His arms wrapped around me and I heard the voice I'd been longing to hear.

"I've missed you too, Hazel Grace."