Touya hated it when N fell asleep first. Not out of selfishness, but purely because he hated to see his friend suffer like that. While Touya always felt so rejuvenated by sleep, he couldn't imagine any way that N could be rested from his slumber. Even so, he did the same thing he'd do every night: hold onto N tightly in the hopes that he'd bring the other some comfort in his dreams.
"Good…" N mumbled, shifting slightly in his sleep. Touya took in a deep breath and moved a hand to caress N's cheek, marvelling as he always did at the softness of the other's skin. He was so perfect, why couldn't he see that? Well, the answer was quite clear. His views on the world had been distorted and now that he could see it properly, his thoughts were going into overdrive. How could logic possibly hope to explain everything that had happened to him when the logic that he knew was wrong? "For nothing…" N's mumbling continued. Taking a lock of hair and twirling it between his fingers, Touya wondered whether he should turn on the lights and wake N up before he reached the more distressing part of his nightmare. No, that wouldn't work. He'd only be upset at being woken up and worried about. And so Touya was left debating with himself which was the best option, to wake him or to leave him sleeping, as always. And, as always, N would reach the worst part of his nightmare before Touya had the chance to decide.
"Stupid… Warped…" Touya knew precisely which part of the dream N was at. It was the same every night, the same scene over and over to remind him how little he really knew about the world. It must have been horrible for a genius like him to find out that everything he'd learned was wrong. His world must have shattered before him. What would that feel like? How did he see that moment? Did he see it as betrayal? Or maybe a lesson? Who could tell when it came to anything about N? Was he even upset about it?
"Defective…" Of course he was upset about it. How could he not be? He started to squirm, and Touya planted a firm, but loving kiss on his forehead. The air was growing colder by the night, and Touya couldn't find enough warmth from the other man to keep him satisfied. He was starting to wonder if N would ever be warm again, if he'd ever see that same joy he'd once seen gleaming in those eyes of his- oh, those eyes… And his smile. When would that be genuine again? He didn't need to be a psychiatrist to know that N wasn't happy. He had hoped -it had been somewhat of a romanticised idea- that N would find happiness in him, but it quickly became obvious that he needed far more than a new lover to heal the wounds that had been ripped open.
Touya had a thought- what if he was making things worse? In a panic, he untangled his hand from N's hair and moved away. Why had that not crossed his mind? Touya sat up and ran a hand through his own hair. It was definitely possible that he was having a negative effect. There was simply no telling. That was N's problem, he could talk and talk but he would never say anything. If he'd only tell Touya what was bothering him and why- but no, he had to go on about the most insignificant of things, constantly dancing around what he really wanted to say. Both of them knew it was breaking him and neither of them could bring themselves to do anything about it. It had to end soon, somehow…
"Touya?" Hold on, that was different. He froze, realising that N must have woken up from the sudden movement. Slowly, he turned to face N, scared of the effects that waking up during such a nightmare would have on him. He offered a weak smile, not being able to do much more out of guilt.
"What is it, N?" Touya searched N's face for a sign of abnormality- nothing. He looked the same as he had done for a long time, completely unreadable. Why did he isolate himself like this? What benefit did it bring? It was destroying the both of them little by little. Rubbing his eyes out of tiredness, Touya waited patiently for an answer, knowing that N could take his time occasionally when replying to people. N was staring at Touya again, in a way that made it feel like the man was searching every inch of his soul for answers. As romantic as it would have been to say that Touya didn't get unnerved by that anymore, and that the power of love protected him from that, it wasn't true. No amount of love eased the guilt that he felt when his soul couldn't provide the answers that N was so desperately searching for.
"If you ever want to be tall, you need to sleep. Growth hormones are almost exclusively released when you sleep." And with that, N turned over, and fell asleep again a few moments later. Touya was absolutely dumbfounded- he'd done it again! He'd been completely unpredictable and yet so undoubtedly N. How could anybody not love that? More importantly, why wouldn't he speak out? Did he honestly expect Touya to not see that he was in desperate need of some form of solace? Touya smirked as he felt a tear hang on his nose. N was much better at hiding it than he was, by the looks of it. If only he could right the wrongs that Ghetsis had caused, maybe then he'd see a glint of emotion from the void that was N. And maybe, just maybe, Touya would see him smile again.