Ê
Something New
(Set the day after the events in 'Crush')
"Okay, Mom, I'll be back around midnight. Don't wait up." Buffy shut the front door, adjusted her coat, and looked up to find Spike, standing on her lawn with his hands in his pockets. She took a deep breath, then deflated.
"Just when I thought this whole thing couldn't get any creepier."
Spike was braced to have his heart ripped open again. Just a glutton for punishment, he was. He was about to say something when Buffy cut him off, as usual.
"You can't just stand out here on my lawn every day for the rest of my life."
"Yeah, I can. Got nothing better to do."
Buffy walked over to him and leaned in close. She brought out a stake from her pocket and showed it to him. "Except get dusty."
Spike's adam's apple bobbed. He wasn't not afraid of her threat, he was afraid of what he might do if she got any closer to him. It kept getting harder not to just grab her and smash his mouth on hers. And when she was chained up! well! He silently cursed himself for being so stupid about that. Did he really think he would win her over by chaining her up like he was sodding King Kong?! Idiot. But here she was in front of him, pretending to want to kill him. Eyeing her mouth, Spike wondered if grabbing and kissing her right then would activate the chip in his head. And if it didn't, would that mean she really wanted him to? Knock it off. You're staring at her, like a creepy staring guy.
"Hello? Spike? Where are you?"
Spike snapped out of it and broke his gaze on her lips. "Uh look, just kill me if you want to. But don't ask me to stop wanting to be near you. Because, I'm sorry, I just can't."
Buffy blinked. It's been so hard to process all this new information. Spike with feelings. For her. That he thinks mean love. Spike saying words to her that would make any woman melt. Words that she would LOVE to hear from anyone else. ANYONE else. But they're coming from Spike. She had to reject them and him. Whatever he thought he felt just had to be unnatural and wrong. Probably.
"Look, you know--"
"You can't do it." Spike's dark blue eyes burned into her hazel ones. "You can't kill me. You're always kicking in my door with your arms akimbo, clamoring about how you're going to stake me for one reason or another. But you never do. Don't you think that means something?"
*Does it?* Buffy shook the strange thought away. "All it means is that you're harmless, and I'm not gonna screw up my conscience by killing a harmless creature who thinks it has feelings for me."
Spike seethed. "Why do people keep calling me a creature?! Is Angel a CREATURE? I was human too, just like him, just like you. I didn't ask to be turned into a demon... but I bloody well am not going to apologize for it. I've had a hell of a good time up until my wings got clipped."
"Exactly!" Buffy thought she was on to something. "You admit it! You enjoy all the killing and the maiming and! the other vampire hobbies. You just can't do anything about it now because of the chip. And I'm supposed to believe--"
"I wasn't talking about the chip. I was talking about you. Being in love with you. The chip keeps me from feeding off the odd prostitute or stumbling drunk whenever my tummy growls. But my love and respect for you keeps me from doing just about everything else. Angel needed a soul to want to better himself, fight the demon within. All I needed was you."
Buffy was stunned speechless.
"And anyway, if I wasn't a vampire, I could never have hung around this world long enough to meet you. And that wouldn't do at all, would it?"
Buffy still with the silence. Spike narrowed the space between them and Buffy didn't step back.
"So, you see? My heart may not beat, but it's there. And I feel just as strongly as any human, maybe even more so. You can choose not to believe it, but it doesn't matter. It changes nothing on my end, pet. I love you, desperately. And you're just gonna have to deal with that."
Spike's face was so close to Buffy's, he could feel her breath coming in quick, short bursts. Blatant astonishment shown on her face. She would be able to deal with it if he was just obsessed with her. She could even deal if he tried to force himself on her. But she never expected this-- his passion, his honesty, his vulnerability.
Confusion clouded her face and Spike saw his opportunity. He leaned in and pressed his mouth to hers, ever so gently.
Buffy froze. How does he have the nerve! The sheer defiance of it, made her tremble with anger. But she couldn't seem to pull herself away. Her eyes slammed shut. She didn't want to believe this was happening. He MUST have done something to her to her to make her not be able to pull away. A spell or something, hypnotism! This is all wrong. Unnatural. Icky!
But Spikes lips didn't feel very icky. They felt smooth, full, strong. It had been a while since she'd been kissed this well. A memory flashed in her mind, a memory that was supposed to have been blocked out by Willow's forgetting spell. The memory of Spike kissing her when they were 'betrothed.' Just like he was now. The man knows how to kiss. She could feel his strong arms slip around her and pull her closer. Her mind reeled. Was she kissing him back? Why was she kissing him back? The point of no return was coming up fast. She wanted to stop the kiss. To push away. What did it mean that it had gone on for this long? He'd never leave her alone now. Did she want him to? *Oh, God... this is...baaaad.*
Her thoughts blew away as he deepened the kiss. He pulled her tight against his body and slipped a hand into her hair, gripping her golden locks as he explored her mouth with his own. Buffy, whose legs were practically useless by then, reached up and held on to Spike's strong shoulders. Her hands began to explore his muscular back and neck. She touched his hair and was pleased to find it soft and smooth. *Soft and smooth?! What are you DOING? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!*
With all her strength, not just the physical kind either, she pushed Spike away. The force she used sent him slamming into the tree behind him. Spike's eyes were glazed over and he was panting. He was not surprised that she pushed him away. What was really worrying him is what that kiss had done to him. He thought he already wanted her as much as was inhumanly possible. But he was very, very wrong.
Buffy was having a hard time catching her breath. She opened her coat for more air and paced a little, just to get the rhythm back. She noticed Spike watching her. Waiting.
"Don't...ever!" Buffy started, but couldn't continue. It was ridiculous to deny that there was something between them when there obviously was. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't know."
"Then I don't understand the problem, Slayer."
Buffy moved closer to him, thought better of it, and took a step back. "I... this is too... I have to just... I need"
Spike was amused by her adorable stammering. He could almost see the glimmer of hope he had been looking as he watched her avoid his eyes, flushed and shaken by the kiss.
Buffy continued, nervously. "I don't know what's going on. Or how this happened. Or why it feels but, I can't do this."
"Oh, but you can. You're quite good at it."
The sensual, flirty voice he used made her whole body feel like it was melting. And that was BAD. "Stop it!"
Spike smiled and giggled a little.
"I mean it! You're acting like we're in a high school smooching movie. Like there's no reason in the world that we can't be together, but I know and you know it'd be a total mess!"
Spike's face was dark and serious. "I don't care."
Buffy was thrown a little by this. The look on his face, the tone of his voice. For just a second, she wanted to let him be the boss. Let him do all the thinking, and all she'd have to do is fall back into his strong arms and get lost in his kiss again. But once again, she had to do the right thing, no matter how big it sucked. "Spike. I think until we, or until I figure this out, I think we should, can we just, be friends?"
Spike was silent for a long time. His face didn't give away much. Buffy got ready for the yelling. She knew her request would hurt his feelings, thereby making him angry, thereby making him yelly. Yelling she could take. The other stuff, the professing his love stuff, the kissing stuff -that was unbearable. She didn't want to hurt Spike, again. But she didn't want to lead him on, either -- any more than she already had, that is. Becoming friends with him, if he agreed to it, was the only way she'd be able to sort out her violently conflicted feelings regarding Spike. The feelings that came with the kiss, and just maybe were there before.
Spike looked up from the ground. His eyes were soft and watery. He was clearly wrestling with some deep thoughts. His voice cracked when he asked, "You want to be my friend?"
Buffy's worry lifted. This man was no threat to her. Her urge to hug him was overwhelming, but she didn't give in. No leading on.
"Well... yeah, I want to be your friend. We already are friends, aren't we? In a way? I help you a little, you help me a little. I... give you cash sometimes. Buffy's brow furrowed a little at that.
"So if we become friends, does that mean you'll stop paying me?"He laughed a little, but there were tears in his eyes.
"'Fraid so."
Spike looked away. "I can live with that. Friends."
Buffy sighed deeply. Imaginary weight lifted off her shoulders.
"But I still love you." Spike looked dead into her eyes and didn't flinch.
Buffy's heart jumped. She winced at his honesty, but resigned herself to the fact that this was just how it was going to be, and she didn't mind so much. "I know. But, can we not... talk about that part of it... most of the time?"
"As long as it's okay to feel it, I don't have to say it." Spike smiled.
"You know it's never going to be okay."
"I know nothing of the sort. And neither do you."
Exasperated, Buffy turned and started walking away. "I'm going to the Bronze. Xander and Willow are meeting me there and I'm already late."
Spike was disappointed, but he let her go. He'd bothered her enough for one night. He looked down and toed the grass with his boot.
"You coming or not?"
Spike's head snapped up.
Buffy was facing him with a soft smile on her face and expectant eyebrows. "I'll buy you a muffin."
It wasn't exactly his dream come true. But it was a huge step. He resisted the urge to whoo hoo. Instead, he took a deep breath and trotted up to her, watching her face as they both turned to walk in the same direction. Buffy could feel his eyes on her. "Stop it with the looking. You looked enough. Give it a rest."
Spike grinned as he turned his attentions to the dark street before them. Things might actually turn out not entirely too bad.
"Does this mean I have to be friends with Xander, too?"
Buffy giggled. "That's between you and him. I think you'll have a harder time winning him over. He really hates you. Like, really REALLY."
"Well good, because I think he's a right wanker. Willow's alright though. That Tara bird, too. And hey, hot lesbian action live and at my fingertips. Can't beat that."
Buffy rolled her eyes. She was almost giddy to have the old Spike back. "Uch. You're a pig, Spike."
"Yeah, I know."
And they walked down the dark, peaceful street together, happier than a Vampire and a Slayer should be.
THE END
Ê
© 2001 Death-Marked Love
Something New
(Set the day after the events in 'Crush')
"Okay, Mom, I'll be back around midnight. Don't wait up." Buffy shut the front door, adjusted her coat, and looked up to find Spike, standing on her lawn with his hands in his pockets. She took a deep breath, then deflated.
"Just when I thought this whole thing couldn't get any creepier."
Spike was braced to have his heart ripped open again. Just a glutton for punishment, he was. He was about to say something when Buffy cut him off, as usual.
"You can't just stand out here on my lawn every day for the rest of my life."
"Yeah, I can. Got nothing better to do."
Buffy walked over to him and leaned in close. She brought out a stake from her pocket and showed it to him. "Except get dusty."
Spike's adam's apple bobbed. He wasn't not afraid of her threat, he was afraid of what he might do if she got any closer to him. It kept getting harder not to just grab her and smash his mouth on hers. And when she was chained up! well! He silently cursed himself for being so stupid about that. Did he really think he would win her over by chaining her up like he was sodding King Kong?! Idiot. But here she was in front of him, pretending to want to kill him. Eyeing her mouth, Spike wondered if grabbing and kissing her right then would activate the chip in his head. And if it didn't, would that mean she really wanted him to? Knock it off. You're staring at her, like a creepy staring guy.
"Hello? Spike? Where are you?"
Spike snapped out of it and broke his gaze on her lips. "Uh look, just kill me if you want to. But don't ask me to stop wanting to be near you. Because, I'm sorry, I just can't."
Buffy blinked. It's been so hard to process all this new information. Spike with feelings. For her. That he thinks mean love. Spike saying words to her that would make any woman melt. Words that she would LOVE to hear from anyone else. ANYONE else. But they're coming from Spike. She had to reject them and him. Whatever he thought he felt just had to be unnatural and wrong. Probably.
"Look, you know--"
"You can't do it." Spike's dark blue eyes burned into her hazel ones. "You can't kill me. You're always kicking in my door with your arms akimbo, clamoring about how you're going to stake me for one reason or another. But you never do. Don't you think that means something?"
*Does it?* Buffy shook the strange thought away. "All it means is that you're harmless, and I'm not gonna screw up my conscience by killing a harmless creature who thinks it has feelings for me."
Spike seethed. "Why do people keep calling me a creature?! Is Angel a CREATURE? I was human too, just like him, just like you. I didn't ask to be turned into a demon... but I bloody well am not going to apologize for it. I've had a hell of a good time up until my wings got clipped."
"Exactly!" Buffy thought she was on to something. "You admit it! You enjoy all the killing and the maiming and! the other vampire hobbies. You just can't do anything about it now because of the chip. And I'm supposed to believe--"
"I wasn't talking about the chip. I was talking about you. Being in love with you. The chip keeps me from feeding off the odd prostitute or stumbling drunk whenever my tummy growls. But my love and respect for you keeps me from doing just about everything else. Angel needed a soul to want to better himself, fight the demon within. All I needed was you."
Buffy was stunned speechless.
"And anyway, if I wasn't a vampire, I could never have hung around this world long enough to meet you. And that wouldn't do at all, would it?"
Buffy still with the silence. Spike narrowed the space between them and Buffy didn't step back.
"So, you see? My heart may not beat, but it's there. And I feel just as strongly as any human, maybe even more so. You can choose not to believe it, but it doesn't matter. It changes nothing on my end, pet. I love you, desperately. And you're just gonna have to deal with that."
Spike's face was so close to Buffy's, he could feel her breath coming in quick, short bursts. Blatant astonishment shown on her face. She would be able to deal with it if he was just obsessed with her. She could even deal if he tried to force himself on her. But she never expected this-- his passion, his honesty, his vulnerability.
Confusion clouded her face and Spike saw his opportunity. He leaned in and pressed his mouth to hers, ever so gently.
Buffy froze. How does he have the nerve! The sheer defiance of it, made her tremble with anger. But she couldn't seem to pull herself away. Her eyes slammed shut. She didn't want to believe this was happening. He MUST have done something to her to her to make her not be able to pull away. A spell or something, hypnotism! This is all wrong. Unnatural. Icky!
But Spikes lips didn't feel very icky. They felt smooth, full, strong. It had been a while since she'd been kissed this well. A memory flashed in her mind, a memory that was supposed to have been blocked out by Willow's forgetting spell. The memory of Spike kissing her when they were 'betrothed.' Just like he was now. The man knows how to kiss. She could feel his strong arms slip around her and pull her closer. Her mind reeled. Was she kissing him back? Why was she kissing him back? The point of no return was coming up fast. She wanted to stop the kiss. To push away. What did it mean that it had gone on for this long? He'd never leave her alone now. Did she want him to? *Oh, God... this is...baaaad.*
Her thoughts blew away as he deepened the kiss. He pulled her tight against his body and slipped a hand into her hair, gripping her golden locks as he explored her mouth with his own. Buffy, whose legs were practically useless by then, reached up and held on to Spike's strong shoulders. Her hands began to explore his muscular back and neck. She touched his hair and was pleased to find it soft and smooth. *Soft and smooth?! What are you DOING? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!*
With all her strength, not just the physical kind either, she pushed Spike away. The force she used sent him slamming into the tree behind him. Spike's eyes were glazed over and he was panting. He was not surprised that she pushed him away. What was really worrying him is what that kiss had done to him. He thought he already wanted her as much as was inhumanly possible. But he was very, very wrong.
Buffy was having a hard time catching her breath. She opened her coat for more air and paced a little, just to get the rhythm back. She noticed Spike watching her. Waiting.
"Don't...ever!" Buffy started, but couldn't continue. It was ridiculous to deny that there was something between them when there obviously was. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't know."
"Then I don't understand the problem, Slayer."
Buffy moved closer to him, thought better of it, and took a step back. "I... this is too... I have to just... I need"
Spike was amused by her adorable stammering. He could almost see the glimmer of hope he had been looking as he watched her avoid his eyes, flushed and shaken by the kiss.
Buffy continued, nervously. "I don't know what's going on. Or how this happened. Or why it feels but, I can't do this."
"Oh, but you can. You're quite good at it."
The sensual, flirty voice he used made her whole body feel like it was melting. And that was BAD. "Stop it!"
Spike smiled and giggled a little.
"I mean it! You're acting like we're in a high school smooching movie. Like there's no reason in the world that we can't be together, but I know and you know it'd be a total mess!"
Spike's face was dark and serious. "I don't care."
Buffy was thrown a little by this. The look on his face, the tone of his voice. For just a second, she wanted to let him be the boss. Let him do all the thinking, and all she'd have to do is fall back into his strong arms and get lost in his kiss again. But once again, she had to do the right thing, no matter how big it sucked. "Spike. I think until we, or until I figure this out, I think we should, can we just, be friends?"
Spike was silent for a long time. His face didn't give away much. Buffy got ready for the yelling. She knew her request would hurt his feelings, thereby making him angry, thereby making him yelly. Yelling she could take. The other stuff, the professing his love stuff, the kissing stuff -that was unbearable. She didn't want to hurt Spike, again. But she didn't want to lead him on, either -- any more than she already had, that is. Becoming friends with him, if he agreed to it, was the only way she'd be able to sort out her violently conflicted feelings regarding Spike. The feelings that came with the kiss, and just maybe were there before.
Spike looked up from the ground. His eyes were soft and watery. He was clearly wrestling with some deep thoughts. His voice cracked when he asked, "You want to be my friend?"
Buffy's worry lifted. This man was no threat to her. Her urge to hug him was overwhelming, but she didn't give in. No leading on.
"Well... yeah, I want to be your friend. We already are friends, aren't we? In a way? I help you a little, you help me a little. I... give you cash sometimes. Buffy's brow furrowed a little at that.
"So if we become friends, does that mean you'll stop paying me?"He laughed a little, but there were tears in his eyes.
"'Fraid so."
Spike looked away. "I can live with that. Friends."
Buffy sighed deeply. Imaginary weight lifted off her shoulders.
"But I still love you." Spike looked dead into her eyes and didn't flinch.
Buffy's heart jumped. She winced at his honesty, but resigned herself to the fact that this was just how it was going to be, and she didn't mind so much. "I know. But, can we not... talk about that part of it... most of the time?"
"As long as it's okay to feel it, I don't have to say it." Spike smiled.
"You know it's never going to be okay."
"I know nothing of the sort. And neither do you."
Exasperated, Buffy turned and started walking away. "I'm going to the Bronze. Xander and Willow are meeting me there and I'm already late."
Spike was disappointed, but he let her go. He'd bothered her enough for one night. He looked down and toed the grass with his boot.
"You coming or not?"
Spike's head snapped up.
Buffy was facing him with a soft smile on her face and expectant eyebrows. "I'll buy you a muffin."
It wasn't exactly his dream come true. But it was a huge step. He resisted the urge to whoo hoo. Instead, he took a deep breath and trotted up to her, watching her face as they both turned to walk in the same direction. Buffy could feel his eyes on her. "Stop it with the looking. You looked enough. Give it a rest."
Spike grinned as he turned his attentions to the dark street before them. Things might actually turn out not entirely too bad.
"Does this mean I have to be friends with Xander, too?"
Buffy giggled. "That's between you and him. I think you'll have a harder time winning him over. He really hates you. Like, really REALLY."
"Well good, because I think he's a right wanker. Willow's alright though. That Tara bird, too. And hey, hot lesbian action live and at my fingertips. Can't beat that."
Buffy rolled her eyes. She was almost giddy to have the old Spike back. "Uch. You're a pig, Spike."
"Yeah, I know."
And they walked down the dark, peaceful street together, happier than a Vampire and a Slayer should be.
THE END
Ê
© 2001 Death-Marked Love