Rosalina's proverb

I'm on my way to China with the group right now. I should be happy but I'm not. There're fireworks going off on the main deck but I'm not looking at them. I'll I see is the dark stained wood carvings in my bunk room.

I was in New York with Nat and the guys a week ago but things were kind of strange. For one thing Nat wouldn't shut up about a kiss I shared with some French piano player. I don't even remember his name. Then to make matters worse I call him and he starts threatening me. Nat and I have gotten into little tiffs before but this was not anything little.

I miss Nat so much that it hurts. I feel like there's an ice cube dropping down into the pit off my stomach. My eyes are always red now from lack of sleep and from crying. I'm really beginning to hate this ship. For one thing they never serve the same country's food twice. That makes my stomach really queasy because I'm not used to certain spices.

The worst part is that I get sea sick during the first four hours of traveling every god darn morning!

The frog legs they served last night really aren't agreeing with me. I don't ever want to look at French food again. The food tastes really amazing the first time but if you're throwing up for four hours every morning nothing is going to taste good. I think I've lost twelve pounds in one month.

I still feel guilty about kissing that guy. My roommate Chrissie thought it would be a good idea. I said that he looked cute and she said don't just stand there looking do something. I said no and said that I had a sweet boyfriend at home. As nice as Chrissie is she doesn't take no for an answer.

When I kissed that stupid guy the first thing I thought of was how great it felt. Then a little light bulb went off screaming what did you just do? I broke away just as the cameras flashed. My common sense didn't wake up until it was too late.

I ran back to my room on the ship. Tears flowing freely down my face I felt like I'd really messed up. Chrissie came into the room later and asked if I was coming to dinner. I really didn't feel like eating but I knew I'd pay for it later if I didn't.

I should get some sleep. If I'm still lying down when we pull out of port I get really sick. I found that out the hard way. I thought that lying down would settle my stomach but I was dead wrong. Sometimes when I do sleep I dream about Nat. Then I wake up crying because I miss him so much.

I don't want to worry Chrissie so when I cry I bite my pillow so she can't hear me. I couldn't sleep so I'm sitting outside looking at the stars. I see a falling star and make a wish. I wished that Nat and I would still be together when I got back.

I hear Chrissie getting up so must be morning. I really don't want to face another day of sea sickness. If Nat was here he'd at least hold my hair back. All Chrissie ever does is laugh at me. I meaning this in the nicest way possible if she doesn't stop laughing I'll kill her.

The group docked the ship in China this morning. For breakfast they served us fried bread dipped in honey. The honey actually settled my stomach and for the first time in weeks I didn't puke for the first four hours.

I still am sad about being millions of miles away from Nat but right now I'm going to relax and enjoy my trip before I get sick later. I went swimming before the rest of the group had to learn the proper way to loop lines. Around noon just like always I tried calling Nat. He didn't answer his phone and I started to cry. Chrissie came over to me and gave me a hug. She asked if I wanted to talk about what was wrong. I politely shook my head no and went to my bunk room to lie down.

The guy that I kissed followed me and tried to get something from me again. I threw my pillow at his head and yelled at him to get out. He called me a really, really nasty name that I won't repeat and if Nat heard it that guy wouldn't be breathing.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried calling the band again. Nat answered but he seemed really closed up. I wasn't sure if he missed me at all. I told him I loved him and that I was having fun. His silence was beginning to freak me out. I wish that he would say I love you back.

I hung up after talking to Nat for an hour. He said he had band practice but I don't believe him though. He's done this before and that was when he wrote beautiful eyes. He was secretive and cold. Then when he played the song for me he opened up.

I really miss him and want him to hold me in his arms again. Chrissie just came into the room and is trying to get me to come to dinner. I really don't want to eat I'm too depressed but I told Nat that I was having fun.

I ate a light dinner and went to bed. It was Chinese New Year and the rest of the group wanted to see the parade but I went back to the ship and tried to go to sleep. I had that dream about Nat again. The dream is awful in it Nat's kissing another and he doesn't remember me. Its nights like this when I wish I was back in New York with Nat and the rest of the band.

Nat called me at three am. He seemed upset but he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. He seemed even colder then the last time we talked. I bit my lip to keep from crying. Chrissie is really starting to get concerned and that's the last thing I need.

After talking on the phone with him and the rest of the band for three hours I got up. I was worried about my where my relationship with Nat stood. Tears filled my eyes but I blinked them back. I pulled out my favorite yellow halter top shirt and put it on.

For some reason though wearing that shirt brought back memories of when Nat wrote the song banana smoothie. I couldn't hold back my tears any longer and started sobbing. The French piano player came over and asked what was wrong. He apologized for calling me that rude name and kissed me on the cheek.

I don't understand why but threw my arms around his neck and kissed him. Wait kiss isn't the right word. I made out with this hot looking French guy. Instantly I stopped crying and I felt like there was nothing missing in my life.

Then it all happened again I saw the camera flash and broke down crying. The French piano player mumbled something in French and carried me into his bunk room. What happened next is all a blur. I just know that I was in nothing but my bra and had a migraine.

I tried to stand up but fell back on the bed. I was really dizzy and could barely stand up let alone walk. I didn't even know where the heck I was. My vision was shaky and unfocused. I managed to roll over and saw that I was lying next to the French piano player! I felt like I was going to be sick I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Then I started crying all over again. I tried to pull myself together. I needed to try to remember what had happened the before I woke up.

When I finally figured out had happened I gasped and threw myself on my bed sobbing uncontrollably. I had not only made out with this guy I had slept with him. To make matters worse the tabloids had pictures of me making out with him.

I didn't even know what had caused me to want to sleep with him. I didn't even like him I only made out with him because I was upset about Nat. I tried to stand up and find another outfit. I grabbed my bathing suit instead and went out to pool.

I jumped into the pool and felt the cold water shock my system. When my brain realized the reality of what I'd done I dove under the water and held my breath. I knew that I had to tell Nat before that French camera kiss up did. I also knew that this would kill him and the thought of hurting him breaks my heart.

I also know that I have to fess up soon before that French piano player tells everybody and their mothers. I climbed out of the pool and got dressed. Then I called Nat Alex answered the phone and I asked him to hand the phone to Nat.

Alex then told me that Nat was heart broken because of a certain article that was published today. I calmly told Alex that it was important that I talked to him now. Alex handed Nat the phone and I could immediately tell that he'd been crying.

I told Nat exactly what happened. He said that he wasn't angry with me he that he wanted to kill that French piano player. He said that he must have drugged me and that's why I didn't remember anything. He apologized for being so cold towards me. I told him that it was alright and asked what the article had been published and he said that someone had made up sick lies and that had caused the band to break up.

I wanted to hug Nat close but instead I said that everything would be fine. I wanted to know what the rumors were but I figured that Nat didn't wan to talk about it. I told him that I was learning a lot and would kick that French piano player's butt if he ever touched me again.

I hung up and then went to the next activity. Chrissie asked me where I was at breakfast and I said I didn't want to talk about it. Then that French pain in my butt showed up. He told Chrissie that I had slept with him.

Chrissie screamed and told me that she thought I had a boyfriend. I started to try to defend myself but then I remembered what I had told Nat and I punched him in face and kicked him hard.

He crumpled to the ground screaming. I just laughed at him and then went with the rest of the group to lunch. I think things are finally turning around on this trip. I'm finally happy but I'm worried about who would write those awful things about the band.

I guess that I can worry about this later. Right now I'm going to keep my promise to Nat and start having fun on this trip.