Disclaimer: "Close Friends" by Adema doesn't belong to me, neither does Stargate SG-1! (So thanks for ruining for my dreams…:P)
Song lyrics: blah ...and the letter is in italics. Umm...yeah.
Today you told me that I'd hate you forever
I can't believe what's really going on
Somehow I knew that you felt guilty for something
But tell me why you do this to me…
I stared into those grim eyes, the ones that always darkened during our love m-
…During our sex.
This wasn't happening, right? I wanted to smack myself, to pinch myself, to make sure it wasn't all just a dream…a nightmare.
Time to wake up, Danny Boy.
But I couldn't…this was reality: another hope gone, another day…another bump in the road towards…something.
Jack…Jack really cheated on me…with Sam!
…I should've seen this coming, huh…
Today you told me that I'd hate you forever
I can't believe that'd you wreck me life!
He said it was ok if it took me a while to forgive him. He'd do all the groveling needed…
…for us to be friends again. For me to be Danny, the best friend…the sidekick, the hopelessly in love, but lonely, geek that followed him like a wounded puppy because he had no one else…again.
I wanted to scream, "No! No! No! NO! NO! What about love? You love me, right? You said it! You said me loved me, damn it!" and I opened my mouth, willing the words to pour out…but they got lost.
And my life shattered.
I was betrayed
How can you say that you felt sorry inside?
Instead by staying
Losing close friends…
And Sam gets what she's always wanted. Sam always gets what she's always wanted! Why not me? Why not this one thing? Couldn't I at least have Jack? Please? Why does Sam win? Goddamn it, can't she lose once? Can't I win once?
I shook my head, ignoring Jack's concerned look.
It didn't matter. Like Jack said, he's plans to retire with Sam someday. Which means I have to suck it up. Besides, I wasn't being fair to Sam. She deserves everything she gets.
Sam Carter saved the world numerous times; Daniel Jackson spent his life looking at "rocks".
It's only fair she gets what she gets what she wants…even if I want it…him…too.
A part of me felt like rebelling, to scream and fight back.
But I couldn't.
I was losing one of my closest friends…my best friend…because to Jack, that's all I ever was.
And the fact kills me.
I've gone away
You make me stay
But I kept telling the lie
I've gone insane
Losing close friends…
Jack snapped me out of my thoughts, waving his hand in front of me.
"Hey Danny Boy, you with me?" he chuckled, I swallowed a wince.
Not for long, Jack.
He patted me on the back, a cheeky grin on his face, expectant. Waiting for me to grin back.
Who was I to disappoint?
I smiled back, my favorite smile: sickly sweet and fake.
A part of me hoped he'd notice, but the rest of me knew if he did, he wouldn't do anything.
Not anymore.
"Congratulations, Jack. I hope…" I chocked on my words, unable to say it…her name. Not in that context. Not yet, "I hope you both are very happy together." He beamed, and I felt something inside crack.
I had to leave. Now.
Because I knew…I knew I couldn't go back. Not completely. I couldn't face Jack and Sam together, while he looked at me with those eyes and that smug grin, like he won the lottery. Like he used to look at me. Things couldn't be "normal" between us, I couldn't be his best bud. Couldn't. Not anymore. Now I know what I'll be missing.
I left Jack, the hallway, the SGC, so I could have a nice breakdown at home.
Today I made the worst mistake
I put my trust into someone I don't know
And now I know because you've done everything possible to me
Made me so upset
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid, gullible, naïve, Dr. Jackson! The man with a fool's PHD!
I didn't cry. Couldn't (Looks like there's a lot of things I can't do anymore…). Already knew crying wouldn't do a damn thing.
Call it experience.
I was a fool. A moron. I trusted Jack from the get-go. I trusted a stranger, a military grunt stranger, and I got burned alive.
Stupid!
And now I just who to trust
Because you're laying in bed
You're thinking 'bout all that fuck I said!
He came back, looking for "one last night of action" he said. Nothing else. Never anything else. I closed my eyes, and ignored the last moments of dreams dying...
…Again.
Honestly, the amount of times I've gone through this is disgusting! What's wrong with me?
It was all too much.
I exploded, yelled at him for god knows how long.
"What do you want me from me? What? Are we friends? Are we fuck buddies? 'Cause I know we aren't lovers, Jack! You've made that abundantly clear, you fuckin' ass!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. Jack O'Neill looked like I kicked his puppy.
Good.
"Jack…" my voice lowered, the anger ebbing out, the overwhelming feeling of loss coming to the forefront, "You don't love me…fine. But…don't cheat on Sam! Please! Don't tell me you're leaving me for someone you can cheat on! For someone you don't truly love! Please…even if it isn't true. Just…" I closed my eyes, "Please…" I opened them, and he was gone. Door still open. Jack ran.
Coward.
I was betrayed
How can you say that you felt sorry inside?
Instead by staying
Losing close friends…
I came back to the base, a smile on my face.
Nothing was wrong. Nothing at all. I saw Sam heading towards me, and I turned around, ignoring her calls. I couldn't face her now. Not ever.
It's too hard to look at her now, to look and see what I'm not. To see what I'll never be: Jack's.
Guess he wasn't the only friend I'm losing in this too.
I've gone away
You make me stay
But I kept telling the lie
I've gone insane
Losing close friends…
Later that day, Janet tracked me down. Asked if I was okay.
Naturally, I lied. She knew, but could never prove it.
Janet was already "in" on the previous…relationship Jack and I had. Guess Sam told her the great news.
She said if I needed to talk, she'd be there. I blinked innocently, and replied, "about what?"
She looked at me disapprovingly, I struggled not to wince. To wince meant I had to something to tell.
And I don't. Nothing. I looked at my watch, not sure if I could keep looking at Janet.
Mission starts in an hour. Great.
I felt the crack inside widen.
I am so weak…
The closeness of your skin…
The smell of this place…
Make me go insane…
The mission went fine enough: no one tried to kill us, we didn't piss anyone off, Jack never brought up the other night, and Sam and him weren't too touchy feely. The relief I felt about that was short lived though. Right as I'm walking down the ramp, I hear Jack's voice from behind, jolly and free.
"General Hammond, as of right now…I retire!" I whirled around in shock, just in time to see Jack and Sam clasp their hands together, big smiles on their faces.
Damn.
Retiring so soon…too soon.
"What did you say, colonel?" General Hammond demanded. Jack just beamed, I turned my back on it, willing my heart to just…stop feeling.
Now!
It hurt just a bit too much.
"You heard me, sir! I'm retiring, and I'd also like to announce…Sam and I are getting married!" I kept on walking down the ramp, ignoring the happy looks on everyone's faces.
Great. Fan-fuckin'-tastic.
"We're holding a barbecue! My house! Tomorrow!" Jack ran down the ramp to catch up with me, his confounded hand slapping me on the back again, "You're coming, right Danny?" I frowned, then turned to him, smile in place.
"Of course."
So here I was…at his house, in his backyard. And I think I could quite frankly snap at any moment, so I politely extracted myself from the crowd. Quietly slipping into the house, beer in hand.
God, I used to hate this stuff. I took a huge swig.
Used to.
Slowly, I looked around the house…noticing the subtle differences. Physics magazines hidden amongst the ESPN magazines, a picture of Sam's dad hanging on the wall, less random pictures of air force jets littered all over the house. Plus, everything was neater.
"Danny!" I stiffened, "C'mon, what are you doing in here? Join the party!" if possible, I tense even more. Is he really this oblivious? Or is he just mocking me? Taunting me? "Danny!" I turn around, not bothering to plaster another jolly fake smile. Jack's cheerful grin faded, replace by a small frown, "Danny?"
You make me go insane…
Those eyes boring into me…concern in them.
Yeah fucking right.
Concern? For me? Since when?
But still…I loved them, those eyes that could melt my heart, or make me want to
Jump off a cliff. Remembering…remembering…
Goddamn you, Jack.
You make me go insane…
That damn smile. Fuck, that goddamned smile. The one that made my knees wobbly and heart quicken. The one that never failed to make me think, "Everything will be fine, just wait…" when it was aimed at me. The one that made him look like he knew the secret of the universe, and it was only meant for him.
Or the other one, that smirk he used to aim at me... that way he looks at Sam when he things no one is looking, like the cat that ate the canary. Or a kid in a candy store. The one he used to give to me before he tackled me behind a tree to "have his wicked way with me," as Jack liked to put it.
Well…he certainly has the "wicked" part down to a fine art.
You make me go insane…
"Danny? Come on, what's wrong?" I grit my teeth, wanting to yelling, "I know you're not that clueless, damn it! STOP!" But I knew it wouldn't anything. If anything, Jack O'Neill is one stubborn sonnuva' bitch. So instead, I settled for glaring…which earned me a bigger frown.
"What? What's wrong?" My glare intensified.
"What do you think is wrong, Jack?" And his eyes narrowed, both of us hearing the unspoken words: I know you're not that dense, Jack.
"Danny…" He took a step forward, I took a step back, "Listen, we need to talk."
"Really?" I snapped.
"I know we didn't end everything under the best of terms," I gave him another scathing look, he bravely plowed on, "but come on, Daniel!" he frantically pointed between the two of us, "We're both men! I'm in the military-"
"You retired, remember?"
"Well, yeah, but you're still part of a military operation! We could never have been open!"
"What about Sam? I'm a civilian, she's not! Don't you think that would have more repercussions?"
"But she's a she!"
"Oh! Is that it? Colonel Jack O'Neill too scared to go out of the closet? He can face Anubis, but not life!" I growled. Jack through his hands up in the air with frustration.
"Come on! It would've never worked out!"
"So you fucked Sam instead? She's just a replacement? A trophy wife?" I wasn't sure if I should feel relieved or even angrier.
"No! I…I do love her. It's better for the both of us if we just…go back to being friends." I stared at him, desperately searching for something that I could fight for…but he gave me nothing.
"Damn it Jack!" I stomped my foot in a mix of savage disbelief and angry frustration.
You make me GO INSANE!
"This is insane!We can go back! Please, I'll leave the program and everything! Just stop all of this!" I screamed, stalking up to him, fists clenched. Jack just shook his head, hands up in surrender.
"We can't Danny. I chose Sam…not you." I stopped, my anger faltered, "It's over, Daniel. We're friends…nothing else." Daniel…not Danny.
…It's really over…
My whole body slumped, as if gravity itself was too much to bear, never mind the world that nested quite nicely on my shoulders as well.
"What about…why did you come over that other night?" I looked up into his face; hopeful…but I was only met with a blank stare.
"It was a mistake."
A mistake.
Was I a mistake? Jack, was I?
…Of course. What else could I be?
I swallowed my grief, and nodded.
"Right…a mistake. Sorry…" And without looking back, I left.
I was betrayed
How can you say that you felt sorry inside?
Instead by staying
Losing close friends…
On my way out, I ran into Sam. And I felt like killing something.
The pity in her eyes…
I don't need your pity, Sam.
"Daniel…I heard-" I shoved her away, knowing I'd regret it later, but not now.
"Listen, Sam…congratulations, you win. Okay? You win!" I stabbed my chest, "I lose!" she looked lost.
"Daniel…I wasn't trying to-"
"Take care of him, Sam." I cut her off, quietly. Refusing to meet her eyes, "Jack's an ass, but don't leave him. He needs you."
"He needs you too." I couldn't help it, I cracked a smile. It was sad, bitter, cynical, and pretty much everything a smile shouldn't be…but it was real.
And I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
"I gotta' go." I kept on walking, she grabbed my arm.
"You're coming back?" I looked right into her eyes, and smiled.
Back to fake.
"Yeah."
What was one more lie, right?
I've gone away
You make me stay
But I kept telling the lie
I've gone insane
Losing close friends…
I got home, called the airlines, and booked a flight to Egypt. Didn't matter where I go, they'll be able to catch me.
Quickly, I wrote my resignation letter. Hammond won't let me go that easy.
The letter was quick and straightforward…I wasn't in the mood for any political bullshit. Not right now.
Dear General Hammond,
I'm writing this to request my resignation effective immediately. I've left my notes in my apartment, and I'm not taking anything with me. The SGC is safe with me, I won't sell out. Promise. Things haven't gotten too…complicated. I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't. Don't as me why…don't bother digging either. It's been a gratifying experience at the SGC, sir, and I'm honored to have had the chance to work with you. Lastly…I respectfully ask you don't try to find me unless the world is ending. And I mean that literally.
Sincerely,
Daniel Jackson
I stared at the letter, and sighed.
Neat, mechanical…thoughtless, emotionless…
It'll do.
I drove to the base, dropped off my letter, and off I went.
Not tothe airport, though. The SGC will find me eventually…but if they try to drag me back, and I know Jack will try, then I'll at least make it hell for them to find me.
Losing close friends…
Good bye Jack. I'll always love you…only God knows why, but I will.
Losing close friends…
Sam…God, I'm happy for you. I really am…but…I can't help but hate you. Filled with envy. I'm sorry.
Losing close friends…
I know you'll kill me, Janet, but I have to do this. I know, sooner or later, you'll understand. Who knows? Maybe we'll see each other during next possible world-wide destruction.
Losing close friends…
General Hammond…the dad I never knew. Never had. What can I say? Goodbye…I guess.
Losing close friends…
Teal'c, we'll see each other again, my friend. I'm sure we will. I'm sorry…I didn't say goodbye to you personally. In too much of a rush, I suppose.
Losing close friends…
I hope you continue the good fight, Bratac. For all jaffa, and for Teal'c.
Losing close friends…
I know you approve of Jack for Sam, Selmack…Jacob, and you have a wonderful daughter. Sooner or later, the Tokrah and the Tauri and the jaffa will unite, and I'm only sorry I won't be there for it. But I hope you are, my friend.
Losing close friends…
And finally…goodbye Daniel Jackson. Space Monkey. Danny. Goodbye. I know you won't be missed by much…not the way you want to be, anyway.
So I drove off into the sunset…but it wasn't for romantic purposes or a heroic get away.
I was just running to God knows where…looking for whatever happiness I'll find.
It's a start, right?
A/N: Ehh…Not to sure if I'm happy with this. First time at writing an all out angst! Angst! Angst! story. I'll probably redo in a few days, or something. I don't know. I'm just happy I managed to resist the urge to spoil the "mood". One story I wrote, I had these two guys fighting, all anger and tension and what not, and I just couldn't help it, it literally went something like this:
The two were glaring at each other, teeth grit together in savage growls as they circled one another, noses almost touching (And they kissed! Bwa ha ha! Ah god…I totally ruined the mood…) XD Yeah, no will power. Anyways, R&R! And please, Constructive Criticism is greatly appreciated!